Spinster. Lunatic. Spaz. Thirty-Something Postergirl for Poli-Grip. Your fearless heroine.
En La Casa de Babs Familius
aka The Lunatics Here in the (Very Small) Asylum
Babs Geller
The Beast
Our resident Doggie and scourge of the neighbor round the corner's lawn.
Ma
The woman who hatched me 32 33 odd years ago. The new Carrie Nation, thanks to the Old Man's penchant for the firewater. Obsessed with the thyroid gland and believes said gland is responsible for my seizures, my weight, and the fall of the Roman Empire.
Trash
My youngest kid brother (it's just him and Manson). Soon to be Garbologist. Born ham, and sock thief. Also steals conditioner. Possesses an even greater aversion to doing housework than The Deaf Fella. Once pissed in a fridge.
Family and those Nearest and Dearest to my (alleged) heart
aka The Prozac Nation
Manson aka The Deaf Fella
My oldest kid brother. Genius level IQ-yet lived in his car. Looks like Charles Manson/Jesus Christ, depending on the day. Vast knowledge of weaponry. He's the Martha Stewart of destruction. Aversion to doing housework. Living near Sylvia to protect Wednesday from the boys until she's 18.
Ozzy
My nephew, the only son of The Deaf Fella and Sylvia. Obsessed with guitars since he was a fetus. Love him to bits and back again. Ace pitcher and future pitching all-star. Also future rock and roll star.
Wednesday
My niece, the only daughter of The Deaf Fella and Sylvia. Reckons she's the next Mia Hamm at the age of 10 (and very likely will be). Love her to bits and back, as well, even though she can be a rotten little bugger at times. Has also inherited Nana's Gambling Gene. Cheats at Parcheesi.
Aunt Nutter
Ma's younger sister. She was, at one point, obsessed with a certain B-list movie/television actor. Allegedly no longer obsessed, or off her nut. I don't believe she'd mind the nickname as she has a sense of humor regarding said events.
Felix
Obsessed with Star Wars and so anal he makes Rain Man look like the life of the party. Obsessive key fondler and housecleaner. Cleaning obsession frequently foiled by The Deaf Fella and Trash's slovenly ways. Also not supposed to be here, but has managed to fool everyone. Moved to fake wifes and best friend's house, realized he was getting screwed over by fake wife and best friend. Moved into best friend's mother's house. Realized he was being driven slowly insane. Moved upstate and now lives with TWT.
Dim
In every photo I seem to have of him he looks as if he's straight out of 'A Clockwork Orange' (hence the name Dim). Lies like a rug and has done so since he was a fetus. Touched in the head since birth. He has an on again/off again relationship with The Walking Tits. Currently resides in a bin of the Looney Nature.
The World's Oldest Lesbian (TWOL)
Ma's cousin, and as the name says, the oldest lesbian (that we know). Hater of Johnny Carson and Abott and Costello. Part-time vegetarian and former vaudevillian. Is now known as a revered god for being the first person to introduce yours truly to the much famed and adored Nutella.
Aunt Maggie
Ma's oldest sister. Lives in seclusion in New Jersey.
The Wicked Witch of the West
The Old Man's only living sibling. Hates me, hates Ma, or did at one point. Famed for asking Ma if she'd 'done everything she could have to save The Old Man' soon after The Old Man croaked. Cow. (And it was The Old Man who started calling her TWWOTW)
Uncle Stinkyfingers
Ma's brother and the nastiest man to walk the face of this planet. Came to live with us for a few months to 'get back on his feet'. Apparently he had a hard time finding them, because his 'few months' turned into 5 years of unsanitary hell. I still have a hard time touching doorknobs and cabinet doors with the memory of it.
La Famiglia Boombatz
aka The Long Islanders
Paddy Boombatz
Half Irish/Half Italian cousin. Confidante and all around good egg. Giver of family gossip and acknowledged techie of the family. Obsessed with Star Wars and Monty Python and other nerd stuff. Did up the new cast page all pretty-like.
The Commie
Paddy's sister, the youngest of we cousins, and Pervo's daughter (obviously). Known as The Commie for militant anti-Disney stance and also for her misguided notion that Led Zeppelin is/was the greatest band known to mankind, when we all know, truthfully, that they were complete and utter shite.
Mickey Boombatz
Brother of Paddy and The Commie. Infamous for having a pic taken of him wearing a diaper. Had he been 6 months old it wouldn't be infamous. He was 18.
Veronica Boombatz
Eldest sister of Paddy, The Commie, and Mickey, and again obviously, Uncle Pervo's daughter. Many a fight was had with her in the mid-80's while she was under the false impression that WHAM! was somehow better than Duran Duran. Now married and a mother, despite the fact that she's younger than me.
Aunt Angela
My only Italian aunt, ex-wife to Pervo, and mother of my cousins. Makes the best Italian food in the world, but sometimes I secretly think mine is better because everyone thinks that way about their own cooking. I know, in my heart of hearts, though, that I will never match her meatballs.
Mrs. N
Aunt Angela's mom. Yells at 6'3 cousins in Italian. They fear her. They are big chickenshits. She cracks me up.
Frequent Visitors of La Casa de Babs Familius
aka The Valium Vandals
Lydia
Mollie
Trash's ex-GF. Though she and Trash broke up YEARS ago, they, along with the rest of us, are still friends. Very sweet kid, recently married and midgetized. More of a semi-frequent visitor, but a visitor none-the-less.
Prozac by Proxy
aka Other halves of the main players
Sylvia
Ex-wife of The Deaf Fella. Not a lot will be mentioned of her on here as she would kill me. Which is also the reason this paragraph is so short, and lacking of information. I will tell you, though, that it was me who introduced them all those years ago.
The Walking Tits
Dim's girlfriend. Holds the record for longest pregnancy known to mankind. Announced impending motherhood (Dim was the father) sometime around 1999. Has yet to have said child. May have caught the fibbing bug from Dim. No need to explain why me and Sylvia christened her with that nickname.
Siobhan Boombatz
Very nice girl who happens to be married to Mickey. Obviously clinical due to her choice of husband. If she's smart, she'll run off and become a yak herder somewhere in deep Outer Mongolia.
Sneezy
Paddy's girlfriend fiancée. Allergic to everything that Paddy is not. One half of the perfect couple, allergically speaking.
Confidantes, Friends, and really bad good eggs
VBFITW
Name says it all, my absolute very best friend in the world.
Shirley
Best friend since high school. Obsessed with getting me to move upstate to become a hillbilly.
Frieda
Best friend since cooking school. Was the one who convinced me to leave this rock of an island and head for Chicago. I should have informed her I was coming back here so she could slap me and stop me from making the biggest mistake of my life.
Homer J
Frieda's hubby. Excellent blues-type guitarist and watcher of quirky movies. Also met him in cooking school. T'were I that convinced Frieda to go out on a date with him. They've lived happily ever after ever since.
The Evil Luci Ricardo
Fellow island blogger and brilliant friend. Helped me plot vicious (if imaginary) assaults on certain complete fucking bastards. I can kick her ass in yahoo dominoes and pool. She will say otherwise, but she is fibbing. Also helped me obtain a copy of the Blues Brothers, which brought her up to 'revered god' status. Hubby Ricky plays in a band. They're most excellent.
Dead Soldiers
The Old Man
Pivotal character in many of my older stories, seeing as he is/was my father. It's from him that I got a good portion of my warped sense of humor (if it's in fact a sense of humor that I have-which is highly questionable). He won't be mentioned too very much here due to the fact that we planted him near on 13 years ago and he's just been NO fun since.
Aunt Nellie
The Old Man's sister. Died in 1983--and much like her brother, has been no fun since. Greatest fear was allowing 3 year olds to walk near her glass-topped coffee table.
Uncle Willie
The Old Man's brother, and late bloomer of the family as he didn't croak until his early 60's (The mean age of croaking in said family is the mid-40's. Thusly I greatly fear the age of 43). Also my godfather. Also now dead (fuddy duddy).
Nana
Ma's mother and the only grandmother I ever knew properly, owing to selfish bastards who croaked long before or who were off their brain in nursing homes. Queen of Nicotine addicts and 'May I' tourneys.
Grandma
Norwegian grandmother I barely knew. Lived in nursing home from the time I was 1 until her demise when I was 10. My only recollection of her is wandering into her room and hear her singing in gibberish. Gibberish which, as it turned out, was actually Norwegian.
Uncle Pervo
Ma's brother, also Paddy Boombatz's father. FIRMLY ensconced in a sexist 1950's mindset in regard to all womankind. He (mistakenly) thought all women were meant to kneel at his feet and feed him grapes at his behest. I informed him of the error of his ways constantly and was always sure to best and belittle him via smartassery and cruel ageist mockery. Recently and unexpectantly passed away and missed very much by us all.
Evil Personified
aka The Even Lithium Wouldn't Help Crew
Nigel
Complete fucking bastard on whom I wish fleas, scrotal psoriasis and big pus-filled boils.
Evil Fiend Landlord (EFL)
Our evil fiend landlord with a Jekyll and Hyde complex.