Quotable Hilarity from the Archives of ASVS.


Quotable Posts

Quote #184 -- Kynes

Xtreme wrote in message news:STJS2.105450$Mb.39291610@newscontent-02.sprint.ca... > > 4.19 petawatts? In one second? In the 10,000 light year sphere explored so far (less then 5% of the galaxy) there are already gadzillions of space-time discontinuities and sub-space fractures. Can you imagine what the rest of the galaxy looks like? Any Imperial fleet attempting to map or navigate the ST galaxy will probably just have to give up and say "Thar be monsters! Don't go there!"

Quote #185 -- Lord Edam de Fromage

Two medics rushed into the room pulling the crash cart. "My god what happened to him?" "umm, take a look at this message from Jonathan Boyd..it gave him a heart attack" > > Boyd: This is plain text format, if I'm not mistaken. How do I > > get italics? > > Actually, I just though, you could do italics using HTML posting. But we'd > have to kill you then. It's one of the few issues Kynes and I will stand > together on. > > You can represent italics in plain text like this: > > Normal text is like this, but italics text is like _this_ and bold text is > like *this*. Nononono normal text is like this, but italic text is like /this/ whilst bold text is like *this* and underlined text is like _this_, so when you get some stupid fucker who can't quote properly and posts in HTML you show him you're really pissed off by shouting in bold underlined italicised text *_/LIKE THIS/_*. Failing that you spend half and hour drawing a three page ascii art FUCKER that can only be read by turning your screen on its side and scrolling.

Quote #1210 -- Rob Wilson

Spyderizer wrote: > DanielSBen wrote: > >> Some of us use Google Groups: which has no killfilters. >> >> -DanielSBen > > > > Use your mental killfilter. Yes here at the Institute for Developing Inner and Outer Transcendance we have pioneered the development of the Mental killfilter. Utilising the 9/10ths of the Human brain that victorian science discovered was unused, we have successfully developed a Para-normal method for erasing Unwanted messages from the Internet! Apply now for our special offer Course and for a mere $5000 you to can learn how to remove X-posts and block out those annoying posts from people you just don't like. However why stop there? For a further $2000 dollars we'll teach you the Karmic secrets of the Mandala, which will allow you to filter out Spam from your E-mail! Amaze your friends and scare the pets with your incredible new powers. Knowledge of science not necessary, must supply own Harmonically calibrated Crystals of eternal peace. :-) Rob Wilson

Quote #186 -- PAUL JACQUES H.JR

: > : > b) Visual from film and episodes. : > : >When there is a contradiction between a and b. you take the one that : >is more favorable for your argument. : : So, you take the one that helps you best, even if it's clearly : contradicted by another source. You can -ignore- everything counter : to your case. : Gee, that -really- helps a debate, doesn't it? It does for reasonable people.

Quote #187 -- Wayne Poe

On Mon, 31 Jul 2000, Lord Edam de Fromage wrote: <snip> > In "Generations" the hull of the saucer section survived not only the heat > of atmospheric entry but also a long slide out across rough ground with only > a few failures. That is if you consider maneuvering thruster failure and destruction of said saucer on such a scale that it was unrecoverable, and had to be scrapped as "only a few failures".

Quote #188 -- Wayne Poe

Hey! I just saw a wide-angle stun used on Voyager. The episode is---- GGggGGAAKKK! KYNES! LET GO! I------GAAAKKKKKK!!!!!!!

Quote #189 -- Kynes

"Spyda" wrote in message news:39C43B34.A9817F3D@theshop.com... > Kynes wrote: > > > > Why am I never in these? > > > > L. Kynes > > As far as I've been able to tell, you need to stand out. Try joining the > flamewar with Weyoun, that should bolster your ratings. Maybe you didn't closely read who you're talking to. I "stand out" like a serial killer in a nursing home, pal. My list of accomplishments reads like a laundry-list of pro-ST nightmares. Have you forgotten who prosecuted Edam Morris? Who wrote the Final Solution? Who killed Shammie? Who wrote "[OT] God is a Homo?" Actually, thinking back, I was in Chuck's originals. Maybe he just understands the group better. :)

Quote #190 -- Chris O'Farrell

"Commander Thelea" wrote in message news:8qeiqs$htg$1@nnrp1.deja.com... > That would be correct, yes. > > Depending on the size of the Black Hole, traveling fast enough, you > could fly right past the bloody thing. > > That's the utterly insane part about that episode of Voyager; If they > were sucked in past the Event Horizon, all Janeway had to do was > order "Maximum Warp!" and they'd have been easily out of there. [On the bridge] [Tuvok] 'Captain, as we can move FASTER then light, if we just engage the warp drive and-] [THUNK] [Tuvok falls down as Janeway clobers him with a pipe] 'You would have me miss out on a scientifcly impossile plot complication? Fool, that is what this ship was designed to do. All ahead full, find me that crack!'.

Quote #191 -- Aron Kerkhof

On Fri, 22 Sep 2000 22:47:50 +0100, Jonathan Boyd wrote: >Our spies intercepted the following article from IXJac at ephjones@home.com: > >> LOL. Really? Wong is guilty of so many exaggerated half truths and out >> right fallacies its difficult to avoid tripping all over them when visiting >> his site. I DID have a list of some of them about to post but my computer >> crashed, so I just said "fuckit" and made this brief statement instead. >> Maybe I'll eloborate later. > >I've heard people say that sooooo many times it's just not funny. Pity his hard drive crashed, isn't it? Or he could regail us with how Mike forgot that Starbase 69 could produce FIVE sovreigns in ten years instead of FOUR! And that a plastic flip up chip CAN serve as a scope. Wasn't that basically the whole Wong is Wrong campaign in a nutshell?

Quote #192 -- LT.Hit-Man

Ryan Spickard wrote in message <8qsdmr$gdt7n$1@ID-42467.news.cis.dfn.de>... >"Raven Ford" wrote in message >news:NJhA5.5825$s76.417139@bgtnsc06-news.ops.worldnet.att.net... >> >> > Here's mine >> > >> > Mr.Death and Darkness >> >> Well, aren't you a ray of sunshine? > >I think he's the most cheery person here :) >Such a wonderful fellow! I'll bet he even helps old ladies cross the >street. Yep right into oncoming traffic

Quote #193 -- Kynes

"Crayz9000" wrote in message news:8ql1ui$fn1li$1@ID-48511.news.cis.dfn.de... > I don't really like beer too much. As for big boobs, that's what I call "too > much of a good thing." Damn right. Scotch and a C-cup. That's all I ask.

Quote #194 -- Cyborg Stan

On Sun, 8 Oct 2000 21:08:53 -0400, "LT.Hit-Man" wrote: >There can only be one Dark Lord of the Sith! How about a Dark Minor Functionary of the Sith?

Quote #195 -- Björn Paulsen

> I put about 98% of the material posted here on the Archive, and about > 75% of the Humor (There is so much of it that I have to be very > picky). > > -- > Rob Dalton > http://daltonator.net I suddenly got this strange mental picture: *phone beeps* "ASVS Quality Control, Dalton speaking. How may I smash you?"

Quote #196 -- Aron Kerkhof

That's about the sum of it, and why it gets so incredibly ugly and boring around here. We've got the Trek equivalent of Welfare mooches lying around watching soaps and eating bon bons wanting others to do their research / work for them. And like their couch potato "why-work-when-we-can-tax-the-successful" brethren, they have now somehow twisted their world view to where they feel ENTITLED to it. That their way is the only good and fair and decent way. And that the people who do the work and pay their own way are evil and dishonest somehow.

Quote #197 -- Pablo Sanchez

In article <8unhc7$ngm$1@slb6.atl.mindspring.net>, "Paradox" wrote: > It was his own damn fault, walked right out in front of me when I was > pulling through a parking lot. By 'parking lot,' you mean 'sidewalk,' don't you?

Quote #199 -- Michael January

I have been extremely disturbed by things I have observed in this group over the last few weeks. 1) Sworn enemies making up 2) People apologizing to each other 3) People being nice to each other 4) People being reasonable 5) People admitting they were wrong What has overcome you all? You are no longer fit to be in this man's army. All guilty parties will be sentenced to an obligatory two year period of servitude in the organization known as Starfleet. For this period of servitude you will be confined to the punishment vessel known as Voyager. Once you have learnt the error of your ways, I might send a shuttle to go and fetch you.

Quote #201 -- Lord Edam de Fromage

> your clock is too fast. you're about 30 mins ahead of me :) (And Im tied > to the atomic clock in Greenwich) :) do they untie you at feeding times?

Quote #202 -- Pablo Sanchez

> Very ASVS of you. No. no no. That was not ASVS. THIS is ASVS: "Your argument is not convincing." "Fuck you." "Concession accepted." "Fuck you sideways with a rusty tire iron!" "Now you're just being disgusting." See the difference? So, in closing: You are a fruity man whore. :^) (it's an ASVS traditiom, don't take offense)

Quote #203 -- WeeMadAndo

In article <8q61t2$8ba$1@bob.news.rcn.net>, "news.erols.com" wrote: > You guys are getting all riled up by a few trolls, and not only that, > your ACTUAL discussions are pretty damn lame. > > This has got to be the saddest thing I've ever seen on the internet. > What you never been to Spacebattles?

Quote #204 -- Kynes

On Sat, 09 Dec 2000 21:29:15 GMT, Strowbridge wrote: >How is it that NONE of the democratic ballots messed up but 4000 >Republican ballots did? Easy. God is Jewish.

Quote #205 -- Pablo Sanchez

Voyager has no need of logic! This is the series that had an entire episode based in World War II, yet somehow managed to work a tribe of Klingons into it! Next thing you know, they'll be sailing the Seven Nebulae in search of hidden treasure!

Quote #206 -- Cmdrwilkens

> > Brew up some 2000 vintage pain and bottle it up. Keep it in the > > cellars and three to seven years later we'll have excellent pain to > > give to all who dare feel they may debate here without permission. > > I want fries with that > Ohhh a bottle of 2000 pain and box of 1980 McDonald's fries, the perfect combination for your worst enemy. Avaliable at a deathbringer store near you. This winter: Chronic itch powder, its now a nutritious drink.

Quote #207 -- Crayz9000

The Ten Commandments (According to Strowbridge): 1) Thou must shut the fuck up. 2) I am Zeus. Thou art a peon. I do not care about thy afflictions. 3) Thou must not be overzealous in thy snipping. 4) Kynes is my son. Worship him. 5) Thou must never ask what C.S. stands for. 6) I am a Star Wars fan. Therefore, the Federation is kriffed. 7) Some R&R maintainers are more equal than others. 8) Thou must shut the fuck up. 9) Thou must shut the fuck up. 10) If I said #1 any more, it would not be a curse. Begone, Trekkies!

Quote #208 -- Björn Paulsen

I think I'll just condense everything to fully illuminate the depths of Healey's misconduct: Ryan: "Fuck you, bitch. You're worse than Weyoun. Just kidding." Nahmaah: "I'll rip off your nuts and eat them with some fava beans and a sparkling chianti. Just joking, though." Robert: "Hey, you PMSing? Just a jo-" *everyone stops and stares at him* Robert: "What?" *notices the expression on the faces of the others and begins to run*

Quote #209 -- Björn Paulsen

"Every torture has a beginning... Every journey has its pavement... Every newsgroup has its pariah..." *cut to 3 minutes of staring at a black "censored" plaque while screams are heard in the background* "ASVS - Death Is Just The Beginning." NOTE: May cause nausea, phobias and/or pok?mon addiction.

Quote #210 -- Matt Hyde

This is the Starship USS Boobyprize, NC-17... Picard: well, you've done it now Soren: Yes, and now there's no sense in fighting... Picard: ...Since we're going to die in < 8 minutes *looks longingly sidewise at Soren* Soren: Are you thinking what I'm thinking you're thinking? Picard: Shine my skull, you magnificent beast!

Quote #211 -- Transcend

> I don't think there's sufficient room inside the male cell to carry a > significant number of midichlorians to cause the procreation of force > powers. If there was, then the sheer quanity of them in once place > would produce counts off the scale. Darth Vader could've moved entire > planets with his dick. Vader: "The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of my pants."

Quote #212 -- Colin Brian Witz

Dark secrets of Santa's raindeer Rudolph: Only has a red nose because he's always dead drunk. He is also the only raindeer that can navigate while stoned. Donner: Likes venison, makes the other raindeer nervous after he eat Comet. Dancer & Prancer: Don't Ask Don't tell, last time we checked they were still in the closet. Blitzen: Second biggest drunk besides Rudolph. Vixen: Does raindeer porn in the off season. Cupid: Frustrated and about to go postal along with the Elves.

Quote #213 -- Björn Paulsen

> Guys...don't we have safeguards against people like this? I mean, we > must have SOMETHING that keeps Paul and TOWNMNBS from coming back! > > Ray Sure we do. Recite with me: "There is no troll, there is debate. There is no concession, there is resolve. There is no NRWD, there is the FAQ." There, don't we all feel a lot better now? =)

Quote #215 -- 

Strowbridge: So, in other words, you put words in her mouth and then attacked that position. Hmmm, what is that called again? Elim: I don't think it has a name. Strowbridge: You're joking, right?

Quote #216 -- 

Dalton: Please stop giving me images of Elim and his ass. Poe: What's the difference? They're interchangeable. Strowbridge: I just got an image of a guy with an ass for a face. Butt checks flapping whenever he talks. Dalton: That's sick. That would mean he has an asshole for a mouth and spews shit all the time. Strowbridge: And the difference is ...

Quote #217 -- 

Strowbridge: Feigning Ignorance = Admission of Defeat. Elim: Does not. First of all I did not feign ignorance. Strowbridge: So you admit you stupidity is 100% genuine. I'll have to hang on to this message.

Quote #218 -- 

Strowbridge: I don't know what method is being used during my satanical, but this is what I did. Boyd: I hope you mean sabbatical. Strowbridge: Lets just say my vacations are a little more exciting than the average Caribbean cruise.

Quote #219 -- 

Trekkiest: Also, as I have said before, SW's galaxy could be much smaller than ST's. Strowbridge: Yeah, and I could be having a torrid love affair with Chase Masterson. But unless I could give proof, no one here would believe me.

Quote #220 -- 

Baron: Hey, my original argument wall well thought out and constructed. It was just torn apart, that's all....... Strowbridge: Wall well, huh. Can't argue with that. Baron: Yes! I won an argument!! Strowbridge: Not yet, I've done I lot of thinking on this subject and I may have come up with a response that you can't hope to defeat: Wall well, but floor better.

Quote #221 -- 

Dalton: Ignore this message; I've just set up Netscape Messenger with my new ISP and I'm testing it out. Strowbridge: Better check your setting cause the message didn't come through. Dalton: Hmm...that's very strange. I think I'll stick with the internet NG servers for now. Thanks, Strowbridge. Strowbridge: No prob, Rob.

Quote #222 -- 

Graham Kennedy: So why weren't the DS's security officers investigating? Strowbridge: Armed intruders killed a couple of Imperial Officers. You don't investigate, you kill. Graham Kennedy: Having the military stomp all over your investigations and mess things up sure seems like bad security to me... Strowbridge: What investigation? They are not trying to 'piece the puzzle together.' They are trying to 'kill the intruders.'

Quote #224 -- 

Mad Rabbit: You talk about megacorps, here's a few TRUE megacorps. Kuat Drive Yards, Seinar Fleet Systems, Blastech, Cybot Galactica, Industrial Automaton...... Each of these corporations OWNS entire STAR SYSTEMS. Elim: So? Quark's cousin owns his own moon. Strowbridge: Even you have to see the difference between owning a moon and owning a STAR SYSTEM! [Not to mention the fucking Corporate Sector...--Ed.]

Quote #225 -- Lord Edam de Fromage

Kathryn Jordan <starjordan@earthlink.net> wrote in message news:5Ga56.9607$3t2.425074@newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net... > let the next invasion begin What, SB are planning on invading ASVS? Come off it. Have you seen their ASVS threads? "yeah. Damn that ASVS place. IT's all full of shits. Their eedeeotts. Nowhere near as good as this palce, Umm, where and what is ASVS anywya?" "ASVS can be found <here> if you have a newsread, or <deja> if you don't" "uh - the first one doesn't work and teh second oen opened a new window in netscape. It's too complicated. I'll jsut sit here and let them come to me" "what was ASVS again? And where was the link that you posted three messages above mine?" "ASVS is a newsgroup. HEre's how you get there" "ung, it isn't web. I don't know how to do it if it isn't web. Let's wait for them to come ehre then we'llshow them. " six weeks later - "so no one from aSV showed up. WE WON!!!"

Quote #226 -- Colin Brian Witz

from when I was a graveyard clerk at 7-11, to our management Request: Bullet Proof Vests for Graveyard shift. Hey, I don't mind giving the SOB all of the money in the store without putting up a fight. But at least let us wear something underneath this monkey suit so that we will at least have a snowball's chance in Hell of surviving the robbery. Quote of General Employee Consensus

Quote #227 -- The One, The Only:  Retired Red-Shirt Jimmy

Transcend pondered the sun for a while, then scrambled to write the following: >wasn't it established in one of the >first few shows that the ship had a small crew? They're claiming that a good >1/4 of Voyager's crew are Maqui for crying out loud! Why would they have had >so many on a ship like that? I suspect that, hidden somewhere in Chakotay's quarters is a little glass jar mounted atop a gumball machine labeled: "10,000 Instant Maquis! Just Add Water."

Quote #228 -- Spyda

> You are an idiot of biblical proportions. > > C.S.Strowbridge His score card is filling up, another stupid mistake and he graduates from biblical to astronomical.

Quote #229 -- Kyle Knopf

To be an ASVS regular you must: [ ] Have WAY too much free time [ ] Be insane [ ] Use the word fuck at least three times in each post [ ] Have WAY too much free time [ ] Insult Paul [ ] Insult Elim [ ] Insult every other person on the NG [ ] Insult Spacebattles.com [ ] Have WAY too much free time [ ] Be obsessed [ ] Have at least one pet theory you will defend till death [ ] Like to write about killing people painfully [ ] Get in at least one flame war a month [ ] Have WAY too much free time [ ] Call at least one person an asshole per week [ ] Know a huge amount of useless facts [ ] Get flamed at least once a month [ ] Acknowledge mistakes only after having them repeatedly shown to you. [ ] Have WAY too much free time

Quote #230 -- Enigma

"Strowbridge" <strowbridge@home.com> wrote in message news:3A6B6A40.7F254DFD@home.com... > Wayne Poe wrote: > > > > On Sun, 21 Jan 2001, Chuck wrote: > > > > > I want to see Hillary vs. Gore in the primaries for 2004! > > > > Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton........ > > > > Quick, someone kill Jeb and Chelsea! > > I'd rather have Chelsea than Hillary. > I'd rather have Chelsea and Bush's twin daughters. A Clit, two Bushes and my presidential staff at attention, by golly we'd have an excellent inauguration party!

Quote #231 -- Pablo Sanchez

In article <VCkb6.122666$Z2.1506339@nnrp1.uunet.ca>, "Obfuscatingly, Klaas" wrote: > After reading some of the on-topic threads in this group, I have come > to a conclusion. > > There are too damn many SW supporters. It just isn't fair (it really > isn't). > > Therefore, I propose this as a solution: > > 1) A number of Spaart'i cloning cylinders will be procured equal to > half the number of SW supporters (the SW side must pay for them, of course). > > 2) A random distribution of half the SW supporters will immediately be > cloned, meanwhile brainwashing them to the ST side. > > 3) These new ST zealots will double one of the vowels in their name > (obviously that is the correct way to name a clone) > > 4) Equilibrium is restored. 5) We hit you in the face with a brick and sell you to a Taiwanese whore house.

Quote #232 -- Lord Edam de Fromage

Could it really be a post from PAUL JACQUES H.JR? Or is it just another strange illusion? > You should not KF the truth that [nobody] speaks. He like me are > trying to show the light to people of this NG. Like B5, we are your > last hope. so does that mean you are the last in a long line of failures and your sole remaining purpose is to be blown because you are a hazard to everyone?

Quote #233 -- Durandal

Get me 40 of the most beautiful women you can find and coerce them into having sex with me. Then, while I am being banged 40 times over, bring in LT. HIT-MAN with Weyoun being lead by fishing wire attached to his scrotum and let HIT-MAN torture him, killing him at the precise moment when I climax, making for the ultimate orgasm.

Quote #234 -- DMZ

"Transcend" <transcend@cybertown.com> wrote in message news:96jequ$kqarc$1@ID-75240.news.dfncis.de... > The Ambivalent DMZ wrote: > > > > > "Paradox" <l33ta0lhax0r@mindspring.com> wrote in message > > news:982300510.139492@globe.atl2.mindspring.net... > > > I was looking at the Death Star pics on Chuck's site, and I'm > > > wondering... Just wtf was the point in making the DSII 100x bigger then > > > the first? they coulda made dozen's of them by the time they got as far > > > as making the DS2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > > > > > Our first Death Star appears to have had a fatal flaw. Some stupid idiot > > designed in an open vent directly from inside the shielding on the reactor > > core to the surface. Can we get round that on the new model? > > > > I'm afraid not, sir - we've got to leave at least one weak point on which > > a single hit will blow up the entire station. > > > > Hmmmmm.... I know - we'll make the next one 100 times bigger - those rebel > > scum will never find it! > > Actually the FIRST one was so big they shouldn't have been able to find it. > Also the second one didn't have such a large vent, instead it had a whole > bunch of really tiny ones. Yes, they did have a map for the first one. Loads of really tiny ones, you say? I can see it now, if it had ever been completed... Okay squad, we're going to drop you off on the surface of the DSII, you'll spread out over its surface using stealth so that you're not spotted, and then use our secret weapon to blow it up..... *hands each squad member their cork*

Quote #235 -- Dalton

> Thanx for the welcome. You seem a friendly lot. Just got here, then?

Quote #237 -- Colin Brian Witz

I/O error Transcend has crashed. Syntax error in programs Ali and Hitman Rob Dalton has performed an Illeagle Action and will be terminated for mocking The Dark Lord Gates.

Quote #238 -- Colin Brian Witz

Yes, very good, I just wonder what their serenity prayer is....... Grant me the Authority To Supress the arguements that I cannot win Audacity To argue the points that I think I can win and the Trollishness to manipulate information so that no one can tell the Difference. It has been 6 years since my last 12 steps meeting

Quote #239 -- Pablo Sanchez

From: "Pablo" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Subject: [News] Federation Invades Canada, is Repulsed by Alert Chicken Date: Sat, 19 May 2001 20:58:19 -0500 In a stunning development, the United Federation of planets invaded Canada today. Beaming down to a farm outside Quebec, the Federation force of 500 men immediately launched an attack on the barn, but were swiftly driven off by a plucky rooster name Pierre. "Oh yah, the space guys kinda came out of nowhere and burned down the barn, but Pierre here started peckin' 'em, eh?" the owner of the farm said. He requested not be identified. After fleeing from the fearsome chicken, the Federation Ensigns repeatedly attempted to surrender to an abandoned Buick. After giving up, they wandered onto a highway and were killed by a hit and run driver. The Canada Parliament is calling for immediate reparations from the Federation for the barn-burning, but the Federation appears reluctant to pay. The chicken, Pierre, has been declared a hero of Canada, and is being prepared for a victory parade. In other news, President Bush locked himself in the bathroom and is unable to escape. Film at 11.

Quote #240 -- Matt Hyde

What's so great abt Space Battles that 15 year old glue-sniffing grade school flunkies fall in love with it? Oh. I just answered my question. Who wants to make a comparison between the relationship of MS to UNIX, and that of ASVS to SB? ASVS, UNIX: 4 letters SB, MS: 2 ASVS: "adult, industrial strength" SB: "Net Nanny" ASVS: fast and easy SB: wait. wait to log on. wait to draw the screen. wait to type. wait to draw the screen. wait to click. wait to draw the screen... ASVS: "robust and steady" SB: "shaky and unstable" ASVS: "ps," "ps -au grep|username," or "top" SB: "ctrl-alt-del, ctrl-alt-del" to fix any and every problem UNIX: "homonym for harem guards" SB: "boring and maybe slightly diseased" ASVS: "multitasking" SB: "walking and trying to chew cum" and so on....

Quote #241 -- Colin Brian Witz

OK more from the demented mind that sometimes thinks it's a machine. ASVSoft Rob Wilson: Spell Checker/Wordprocessor Theala/Hyde: Math coprocessors Paul/Elim/CR/Weyon: Virus make sure your system has a good Firewall. The Cleaners: Intrusion Countermeasures LT. Hitman: BLACK ICE (Cyberpunk type) Mark Sheppard, C.S., Dalton: Firewall Raven: *Access to site denied* Chris O'Farrel, Colin Witz, Spyda: Humor sites Stuart Mackey, Chuck: (F1 key, help) Kynes, D.A.: FLAMEwall (Similar to firewall protection.....)

Quote #242 -- Kynes

"Chuck" wrote in message news:9etpqu$16gce$1@ID-64862.news.dfncis.de... > "Kynes" <kynes@choam.org> wrote in message > news:q%mQ6.7025$qs3.2863680@news2.rdc2.tx.home.com... > >"Aron Kerkhof" wrote in message > >news:vswRO97VYFXlrMDR3yOHqDfcFKgw@4ax.com... > > > ><stuff about Borg> > > > > > > Makes sense, as their ships employ now armor to speak of. They rely > > > on their gee-whiz adaption shields to protect them. > > > > Their ships appear to be made of PVC pipes and old, discarded screen doors. > > Conclusion: the Borg were formed when a tornado, ripping through a Creationist's > > junkyard, assembled not the 747 they were expecting... but something quite different > > indeed... > I think it looks more like a Transformer turd. QUEEN: Data, you can become one of us. Something better. Something more. A robot in disguise. [QUEEN transforms into a small race car] DATA [quizically raising eyebrow]: You are more than meets the eye.

Quote #243 -- Durandal

Remember ST:FC? The Enterprise-E WOULD have been erased if not for being protected by a "temporal wake." I'm wondering what kind of time-travel devices ST uses... Booting up... WELCOME TO TIME EDITOR v24C! Would you like to: 1: Modify existing timeline 2: Create new timeline 3: Erase current timeline and replace with new timeline To what extent would you like to violate the Law of Causality? 1: A little 2: OK, somewhat 3: Law of what? How much would you like to insult the viewers' intelligence? 1: A little jab never hurts 2: They need to know who's boss 3: Come on, these are Star Trek viewers How important are the Laws of Physics in this new timeline 1: Somewhat important; violations every so often 2: Not very; only come into play when a technobabble term is needed 3: My name is Rick Bermann

Quote #244 -- The One, The Only:  Retired Red-Shirt Jimmy

Introducing the new Q-toilet! If you aren't convinced by the end of this ad that the Q-toilet isn't the most handy-dandy toilet you ever did buy, then check your pulse, you might not be alive. Features: -Constructed of the finest gleaming white porcelain, with Q's face permanently engraved in the bowl. -No need for messy toilet paper. The Q-Toilet will now clean you in a flash of white light (*) while at the same time, berating you on your lack of intelligence. -Talk to this toilet, and it will answer you! Ask it any question . . . it knows the answer! (+) -Buy the new Q-Toilet now for the low . . . low . . . LOW price of just $69.99...95...99...95...99!!! (*) No guarantee that said cleaning won't be . . . permanent. (+) Usually an insult. "Did you eat the TP again?" and "What sort of primitive pond scum are you?" comes to mind.

Quote #245 -- Matt Hyde

Dalton wrote: > > > > > Nerds everywhere will line up just to touch me. > > > > > I don't care what you smell, get in there!

Quote #246 -- Transcend

A. Polinger wrote: > Dude! That sucks right out of the box! > And this is comming from someone who *knows* about sucking!

Quote #247 -- Pablo Sanchez

Dalton <rob@daltonator.net> wrote in message news:<3B1D58D1.86EFC2F9@daltonator.net>... > We're not racist here. We hate everyone equally. I picture a sign, with some parts spray-painted over ASVS Town Population: DOES NOT INCLUDE YOU GO AWAY, FUCKER

Quote #248 -- Rob Wilson

"Chuck" <sonn@sfdebris.com> wrote in message news:9fg5rd$429vo$1@ID-64862.news.dfncis.de... > > "Deimos Anomaly" <samueljamieson@aol.com> wrote in message > news:3B1B866C.3EF7F43@aol.com... > > If I was in charge of Starfleet R&D, I'd try to get them to build some > > scaled up version of this: http://www.recguns.com/Images/avenger.jpg > > That's the gun used in the A10 Thunderbolt ("Warthog"). It's capable > > of several thousand rounds per minute. Building a scaled-up version of > > such a weapon that was capable of firing quantorps, and used as a capital > > ship armament, would initially give SF ships a huge firepower advantage > > over almost any foe. > > > I squished a bee the other day with a rolled-up magazine. Maybe Starfleet > could build a scaled-up version of the magazine and use it to swat star > destroyers. Hey, this could work. Imagine how long the ISD crews would stand staring as the 3 mile long image of the Playmate-of-the-month moved towards them? How many gunners would bring themselves to fire their TL's (as opposed to their personal "weapons") at that? :-)

Quote #249 -- Durandal

Strowbridge wrote: > > Ok, why the fuck do I never make it on any mortal enemy list. TOWNMNBS > had one, Paul had one, and now MKSheppard has one. But I'm on NONE OF > THEM! > > Could someone explain this to me? You're reasonable, and people laugh when you insult others. Everyone likes you. Start insulting...oh...say...Matt. He might be your mortal enemy. Well, isn't Lord Edam a mortal enemy of yours? *Imagines ASVS Elementary School* [STROWBRIDGE is sitting alone on the playground, while everyone else has someone to fight with] STROWBRIDGE: [Cries softly] No one will be my mortal enemy. I'm such a loser... EDAM: Wait, Strowbridge, _I'll_ be your mortal enemy. STROWBRIDGE: You will?! Really!? WOW! EDAM: Yeah, now SAY GOODNIGHT FUCKWIT!!!! [The two begin an all-out fight to the death, and peace is restored to ASVS Elementary]

Quote #250 -- Colin Brian Witz

The Following HAZMAT guidelines are in force and should accompany effected posts. Flammable Warning: Post Contains information capable of causing a Flamewar, or injury. Caustic: Post may cause Burn injury, or bodily loss, Referring to posts with a highly acidic sarcasm. Biohazard: This post may result in damage to keyboard or Monitor as a result of Biological reaction. Explosive: This post contains unstable logic that may cause the writer to Explode if disturbed. Radioactive: This post contains a high level of Bozon radiation, proceed with caution.

Quote #251 -- Matt Hyde

<snip> > "We must quickly move to save what is left of his mind however, " the > medic said, "for it may still hold some spark of what humans call a > soul. His CVI is still mostly functional, and from that we should be > able to recover his memories. It is tricky, but it has precident with > Companion Protector Boone." > > The procedure was started immediately, the new body was a mindless husk And it was very busy, it had a lot of ASVS posts to write!

Quote #252 -- Kynes

"Elim Garak" <polinga@u.washington.edu> wrote >> Because most SW holograms don't need to be of high quality. The >> holoshroud shows that when this is needed, it's done. > That's idiotic. It is like saying that everyone in the 18th > century used awful photographic equipment because they didn't > need sharp images and high quality color photographs. That would be true if they had higher-quality things available in the 18th century, like they do in SW.

Quote #253 -- Rob Wilson

"DMZ" <dmz@NOSPAMfreeuk.com> wrote in message news:992784244.6695.0.nnrp-12.3e31960d@news.demon.co.uk... > > "Cmdrwilkens" wrote in message > news:y9XW6.88172$G5.18903469@news1.rdc1.md.home.com... Snip > > Basically I think it likely that since Bureau of > > Navigation/Bureau of Ships, which remained an independant organization > > throughout the OR, Empire, and NR, most likely functions under the > > basic principle that you store what you need and what you might need and > > everything else makes data soring horrendous and a waste of valuable > > computer time that could be better spent on things like actually > > plotting routes. > > > I see - so you're saying they have shite computers and less knowledge > than ancient earth. Got it. Tarkin : Commander I grow weary of this waiting! How long until we reach Yavin, and the secret Rebel Base?" DS Commander : "Sorry sir, the Navigators have just finished plotting the star positions with the sextant, and the figures are expected hot off the Abacus any second now!" Tarkin : " Very well, I expect the Hyperdrive to be activated within the hour." Commander : " Yes sir, I'll order the Oars shipped immediately!" External : Billions of ports open around the DS structure, and 2km long oars appear from each. From inside can be heard the sound of a *really* big drum.

Quote #254 -- Pablo Sanchez

Dalton <rob@daltonator.net> wrote in message news:3B32C81A.BC7E219E@daltonator.net... > Chuck wrote: > > > > "Shadowwalker" wrote in message > > news:2fe9c928.0106211950.3704e178@posting.google.com... > > > I am too evil... lol. > > > > > > Well have fun kiddies. Play nice! > > What is magento? Oh, isn't that one of the sixty-four crayola crayons? > > It's the one that tastes like zinc. Well, unlike Mr. Dalton's uncivilized palate, I have a far more refined sense of taste as it pertains to crayons. I would characterize magento as a sort of waxy metallic flavour, not unlike like licking candlewax off of the hood of a car. Sincerely, Pablo Sanchez

Quote #255 -- Wayne Poe

On Sat, 23 Jun 2001, Chris O'Farrell wrote: > Wayne Poe <louis@h4h.com> wrote in message > news:Pine.LNX.4.21.0106172330170.5932-100000@filmgate.h4h.com... > > > > On Sun, 17 Jun 2001, IXJac wrote: > > > > > > And I care? You know well I've been banned on 3 separate occaisions > > > > in the past, not that I cared. Be my guest. > > > > > Oh, just serving notice. A few threads in fun is one thing. > > > Spamming is another. Just making sure it's known. . . > > > > Hey CorSec, you have no jurisdiction here! > > > Heh, this reminds me of the SW cantina. > "We don't serve your kind in here" > "What?" > "Your moderator, he'll have to wait outside"... "I don't like you either. I have been banned in 12 threads!"

Quote #256 -- Kynes

"Kynes" <kynes@choam.org> wrote in message news:lhaZ6.351759$oc7.40368742@news2.rdc2.tx.home.com... > Virtual Kynes moved out of Real Boyd's Virtual Sim house. He realized the > > anti-poontang field being generated by Boyd's computer was going to put a > > serious cramp in his life style. > > LMAO > > Boyd : Hmm whats this site? > Computer : Warning Women detected onsite. Raising shields. Sexual content > high, shields down to 47%. Diverting power from Chastity programme, Shields > holding at 60%. Recommend course change to Trek site to recharge Geek Core > to full power. > Boyd : Phew that was close. > > :-) > > Rob Wilson LOL. "You must be over 18 to enter this site. [OK]" "You must not be Jonathan Boyd to enter this site. [OK]" "I know it's you, Jon, your computer told the webserver. [Damn]"

Quote #258 -- Kynes

Bobby: Trek seems to rely much less on special effects to keep the audience interested. Kynes: Agreed here -- Trek doesn't worry about keeping the audience interested at all!

Quote #264 -- Kynes

"The Insidious Spyda" wrote in message news:3B3AA742.4B62E4EE@adjective-army.com... <snip> > > > > I think they're all a bunch of commie bastards!!!!!1!!1!! > > > > > > That's the UFP :-) > > > > You owe me 10 buks Spyda > > Actually after he got his fingers "badly mashed" in the trash can, and the > "fast healing" remark, that makes us about even. Is there some kind of "Transcend Drinking Game" happening here, or what? TAKE ONE SIP IF: - Transcend begins a sentence with "Actually, you're wrong" - Transcend attempts to make a joke and fit in - Transcend mis-interprets the rules - Transcend acts as if he's been here for any length of time TAKE A DRINK IF: - Transcend refers to one of his supernatural powers - Transcend fills us in on how ending gun control/social programs will solve the problem of violence/poverty. - Transcend parrots one of Mike Wong's arguments - Transcend says he's leaving the group, forever - ... and then posts more, in that thread, than anyone else - Transcend insults someone better-educated than him for daring to be right FINISH YOUR DRINK AND THE DRINKS OF THOSE NEAR YOU IF: - Transcend justifies his existence - Or admits he's wrong

Quote #265 -- Lord Edam de Fromage

the story so far... boyd beats up dalton. Boyd beats up dalton again. Kynes sets the cooker on fire. Boyd beats up dalton again. Dalton leaves. Kynes sets the cooker on fire again Kynes convinces boyd it's god re-enacting the burning bush. boyd starts worshipping the burning cooker. Boyd realises kynes is taking the piss, and beats up Kynes. whilst all this is happening, I must've found the whiskey the previous residents left over.

Quote #266 -- Stuart Mackey

"Chuck" <sonn@sfdebris.com> wrote in message news:9hlinf$eam9c$1@ID-64862.news.dfncis.de... > > "Stuart Mackey" <jutland@ihug.co.nz> wrote in message > news:9hlib3$ed4d1$1@ID-75806.news.dfncis.de... > > The AA is being spammed..the irony of it. > > examples to be found at: alt.fan.adjective-army > > > You know, if I was the AA, I would turn it into a group of > mercenaries. You know, the voyager groups gets upidity and you're > really pissed... just pay the AA a hundred bucks to go in and cause > misery for a week, a kind of on-line revenge service. In 2000ad a crack NG was KF'ed for crimes they didnt commit, these people promptly escaped from a maximum secrurity stockade to the Usnet underground. Today, still wanted by News groups everywhere, they survive as pests of fortune. If you have a problem, and abuse dosnt help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire, the AA Team!

Quote #268 -- John Hamill

Durandal wrote in message <3B548E77.AF240483@mac.com>... >Colin Brian Witz wrote: > >> All books by KJA never happened. >> >> oh, wait Science Fiction antichrist alert, B&B and KJA join forces...... > >Captain Janeway goes off to hunt down the Borg, who have just gotten >hold of a Death Star through ridiculously unplausible means. >-- Begin Transcript Subj: KJA KJA: "But wait, no, not just a Death Star. That's so passe. Lets see, the Borg have found a weapon even better than a Death Star, yeah thats it. Then Janeway can have a silly old Death Star and the two can fight it out. Yeah! That'll make a great book. And then we can also have a time traveling Luke come from the future to help out Janeway because that'll make a cool new power for him, since the old ones are sooo boring. " <knock knock> KJA: "Hello?" Unknown: "Sarah Conner?" KJA: "Sorry I'm Kevin Anderson, Sarah lives upstairs." Unknown: "Close enough." <BLAM!!!!!> Transcript Ends......

Quote #269 -- DMZ

"Kynes" <kynes@choam.org> wrote in message news:d+ZhO9DM6C1mqB=miAsua+G2jMcL@4ax.com... > On Fri, 27 Jul 2001 21:28:33 +0100, "DMZ" <dmz@NOSPAMfreeuk.com> wrote: > > >I still want to know how you'd describe the difference between "stellar > >neutronium" and neutronium. If you are making a distinction, then we have no way > >of knowing what properties "non-stellar" neutronium are in any case, since it > >doesn't exist. This would obviously be the non-existant type of neutronium to be > >present in any armour, since it isn't in a neutron star any more and is no longer > >subject to the extreme relativistic gravitational phenomena that maintains its > >state. > > We don't need to know what other properties non-stellar neutronium has; every > time we've seen Trek weapons fail against neutronium, it's been the non-stellar > kind (as evidenced by the fact that it wasn't behaving like stellar neutronium). > Thus, Imperial armor, containing the same non-stellar neutronium that has proven > to break ST weapons in the past, is immune to Federation weaponry. Picard: "Status report, number one." Riker: "It's no good, captain - our weapons aren't causing any damage." Data: "Sensor data indicates that their hull is comprised of a neutronium alloy. Unfortunately, none of the weapons onboard the Enterprise are capable of penetrating their shields, let alone the hull. However, it would appear that their own weapons are equally ineffective against our own defences. So far their firepower has been mostly contained with the aid of the navigational deflector. It is interesting to note..." Picard: "Thank you Mr. Data. Hail them. Perhaps we can find a peaceful solution to this dilemma." Meanwhile, on board the other ship... "Sir, despite our warning shot inadvertently causing massive damage, the unknown vessel still refuses to surrender. All we have is some garbled message about 'The Outrageous Okona.'" "Ram the fuckers."

Quote #271 -- Chuck

"Matthew Hyde" <mdoughy@mtu.edu> wrote in message news:3B3BEF2E.66B23530@mtu.edu... > Oh, Chuck, I just had this heart-pounding vision of you letting your > hair down, the sunset filtering through your golden highlights, your > square-jawed profile silhouetted by the burnished-gold rays of the > sunset, the surf pounding around your manly swim trunks.... > > *SWOON* Yeah, I get that a lot.

Quote #288 -- Spyda

Wayne Poe wrote: > Damn, these assholes suck. "If you're a true Trek aficionado, you'd > know that the new Klingon look started in the Star Trek II movie..." > > "We're going with the new look" > > Fucking cocksuckers. "If you were a true Trek aficionado, you'd be down on your hands and knees and be doing exactly as we tell you. Now unzip my fly, slowly."

Quote #298 -- Durandal

Sith Lords have to go to the bathroom just like everyone else. This isn't accurately portrayed in the films. Thus, I propose the following scene changes: DARTH MAUL: At least, we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we wi- [DARTH MAUL's stomach grumbles, a slight freep is heard, followed by an embarassing pause]. Um...could you excuse me for a minute? DARTH SIDIOUS: Lord Maul, have you been eating dairy, again? DARTH MAUL [giggles like a school girl]: Well, um...yes. DARTH SIDIOUS: I sense a disturbance in the Force...

Quote #303 -- Colin Brian Witz

THERE IS A GOD, THERE IS JUSTICE! Ok, as I posted erlier theres a lot of Forest Fires going on in my neck of the woods, temps are hot, and the Fire crews have the speed limits reduced by about 10/mph=17/kph from their normal. Ok I am running out to get my Diabetes meds, hoping to finally be sucessfull after 2 weeks with out (more on that latter) and here comes a classic Auto Dick. Oversized, Red car, blasting stereo, and driving about 20/mph=33/kph over the current speed limit. He passes a bunch of us normal drivers on double yellow lines near a fire truck causing one fire fighter to have to drop his bloodhook (Firefighting brushaxe) and jump away. Mind you the speed limit is only 30mph at this time and he's doing 50/mph=90/kph). Well after This and a 15 mile climb we drop into a steep winding downhill grade, the smoke is so thick I am slowed to half the posted speed limit, and my engine is complaining. I rounded a corner and there was the ASSHOLE, he blew his headgasket (Talk about your Phallic conotations on that one) and his car was burning by the road side, recognizing the car from before I begin driving erraticly while laughing out loud.... Dalton, Spyda we have to love this one....

Quote #304 -- SirNitram

> Judge SB as you would have others judge ASVS. You really want me to do that? Okay. Here we go, don't say you didn't ask for it. ASVS has a bunch of maniacal crack smoking donkey fuckers who are quite willing to tell each other just what part of the evolutionary tree they fell out of, and how many ugly sticks hit them after impact. The debates are based purely off science, and the denizens mercilessly beat those who are trolls. If you are stupid, you will be weeded out, through flaming to a cinder or KFing. SB has a bunch of maniacal crack smoking donkey fuckers who cry to moderators if someone says a bad word, or if they just can't come up with a good counter-argument. The debates are based off bias and who shouts the loudest without being banned, and the mods suppress anyone who seems to be making waves. If you are stupid, apparantly, you are considered a master debator. I can hear the reply. 'Waaaah! You don't know SB! You've never been!'. This will probably come from Isil'Whatever. You crack smoking donkey fucker. I have. I went, I lurked, I posted. I saw such monumental stupidity that I was amazed they haven't accidentally killed themselves brushing their teeth. Claims that ST weapons have thousand-kilometer ranges without a shred of proof, and if you quote Slave Ship they go psycho. I judged SB as I judged ASVS. There's a reason I'm here. I like my brain cells, and they at least get a rudimentary workout here.

Quote #305 -- Austin Lange

"Isil`Zha" <isilzha@isilzha.net> wrote in message news:... > "Pablo" <pablo_sanchez2000@hotmail.com> wrote in message > news:9lkmnn$9v2k7$3@ID-35195.news.dfncis.de... > > <snip stuff irrelevant to what I'm doing> > > > > > ASVS- > > Kynes: An ISD can destroy any Starfleet vessel with one shot. > > O'Farrel: That's an unfair assumption, fucker. > > Kynes: Fuck you. [Sites evidence] > > O'Farrel: Eat the peanuts out of my shit! [Sites counter-evidence] > > Kynes: [Sites counter-counter-evidence] Suck my cock! > > Been a bit busy to do.. anything online as of late, but, let's take your > example, and see what happens when we "limit free speech". > > Moderated board- > Kynes: An ISD can destroy any Starfleet vessel with one shot. > O'Farrel: That's an unfair assumption > Kynes: [Sites evidence] > O'Farrel: [Sites counter-evidence] > Kynes: [Sites counter-counter-evidence] > > Oh, well look, just as much in a debate can be accomplished, except for one > thing: There's no meanlingless crap which wastes the time of the writer and > the reader. That means that with flames, arguements are less efficient and > just waste more time. Yup. And a communist government is a benign entity interested only in the promotion of the common good. Here is what a moderated board REALLY looks like: A: An ISD can destroy any Starfleet vessel with one shot. B: That's an unfair assumption A: [Sites evidence] B: Today I ate jello A: [Sites more-evidence], are you even reading my posts? B: That's an unfair assumption, and Caamas never happened. My non canon source states that Picard has mutagenic sperm that can destroy the Death Star, so one hand job from Troi and the Empire is toast. A: Are you fucking retarded? B: Waaaaaaaaaaaah! Waaaah Wah Waaaaaaah! Moderator save me! Moderator takes sides, and bans A/closes thread/deletes posts B: Yaaaaaa! I won. Moderators have absolute power. Absolute power corrupts. Do the math.

Quote #389 -- Austin Lange

jsantwan@aol.com.edu (Jay Sant Juan) wrote in message news:<20010906034535.06073.00000078@mb-cp.aol.com>... > Is there no sense of mystery, thought, or study in the future? Every dang time > there's a word spoken on any trek show, there always follows a lengthy > explanation of what it stands for and nothing but. Jist seems to be a word that > doesn't exist beyond the 21st century. Poor Worf must be the biggest victim of > the "duh" syndrome, his only use being the repeating of the word just spoken so > that the definition can be reeled out. That's the kicker: the repeating of the > word in a questioning matter for the sole purpose of us hearing what it all > means. When there's something wrong with the engine, scotty goes into a > five-minute diatribe about what can be done. Laforge muses over the > possibilities of the positron hybernator if you reconfigure the fuckadelic > symbolator. When the engine goes goofy on the Millenium Falcon, THEY FIX THE > FUCKING THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who cares what's wrong, just get the damn > machine working! Less is more, I hope Bakula has the power to tell them that. It's called "lazy incompetent writers churning out shitty pablum for pathetic nerds with nothing better to do than dry hump their Captain Janeway imprinted pillows".

Quote #405 -- C.S.Strowbridge

Me: Data may be more anal then Riker. Ryan Spikenard: Well, Data is fully functional, and versed in multiple techniques... :) Me: I should be more careful choosing words when you are around.

Quote #473 -- C.S.Strowbridge

Alves: Hehe, Kaz and Tranny discussing other people idiocity. This is FUQable. Matthew Hyde: Oh come now, KS isn't THAT bad... Transcend: Neither am I, I am not an unintelligent person. In fact, I am sick and tired at people taking potshots at my *well* above average intelligence. If you want to see an example of an idiot look at Paul or Weyoun. If you think I am unintelligent...well you can just go fuck yourselves because I am not going to stand for this bullshit any more. Call me a bastard, call me a bad debator, call me a fanatic warsie, but do NOT call me an idiot, for I do not fit the criteria for idiocy. Now my intelligence may work *differently* then yours does, I can't whip up equations to determine the mass of a certain amount of neutronium if it is travelling at .999999999c in a few minutes like some of you eggheads can, but that does not make me an idiot. Dalton: You are a whiner of galactic proportions. Me: And I don't think it's his math abilities, or lack thereof, that cause him to be a magnet for insults. When he claims that his whole family is psychic, THAT brings about the insults.

Quote #478 -- C.S.Strowbridge

Dalton: This quote made me smile... "Sixty-three percent of the American people approve of the job Bush is doing. Then again, 98 percent of the American people are fucking morons." Me: As a non-American I wholeheartedly agree. Chuck: Shut up you damn Canadians! Ever since we kicked your ass in the Boer War you've been griping and complaining. We should drop a third A-Bomb on you I say! That'll teach you how to shape up and start doing things right, like learning how to play baseball and hockey! Me: We interrupt this joke to bring you a serious message about Canada US relations. * * * * * I notice you didn't mention Basketball. SUCK IT 76ERS!! LOOOseeers! * * * * * And now back to the joke already in progress. Chuck: American things! But if you're going to do that you're going to have to start learning how to speak English dammit! Maybe take a lesson from the United States, the best damn nation north of Canada! In the meantime, go play with your Canadian dancing bears and coconut trees!

Quote #550 -- Pablo Sanchez

His Divine Shadow: So here it is, perhaps its a tad overkill. Strowbridge: Not strong enough. Add some shadow technology. Pablo: And titty bars. Everybody likes titty bars.

Quote #596 -- Durandal

Paradox wrote: > Actually I just pulled it out of my ass :) Put it back in. > the Children of the Jedi novel sucked, imho. Aye, I think I had a special type of ADD, which sprung up only when I read that book.

Quote #597 -- Björn Paulsen

On Mon, 10 Sep 2001 15:38:22 +0300, "His Divine Shadow {PHX}" <hisdivineshadow@forpresident.com> wrote: >Well atleast now I have a reason for taking prozac :) Naturally. This NG is well-known among the medical profession. After telling my doctor that I was an ASVS regular, he offered me as much prozac as could be immersed in my bloodstream, and that with not much prompting at all. In fact, the only thing he said was "please don't hit my balls anymore".

Quote #601 -- Colin Brian Witz

On Boyd's new computer... >So, what can you do with all that? Store all of Trannies thoughts on a single CD-RW

Quote #605 -- Rob Wilson

<snip> > This is Stuart Mackey, For the ASVS Press > > "Our writings are as childs scribblings, Oh Trannie, we are but lost > sheep with out your guiding Wisdom" Paul Jaques letter to the Trollians 2:1

Quote #606 -- An old joke from Matt Hyde

So a sailor and a soldier are both on liberty or whatever the hell they call it in the army--awol? anyway, and they're in a bar restroom taking a leak. The sailor gets done first, zips, and walks out. The army guy finds him outside and says, "Hey, ya know, in the army, they teach us to wash our hands after we take a piss." The sailor looks up from his drink and says "In the navy, they teach us not to piss on our hands."

Quote #607 -- Lord Edam de Fromage

Today's news is brought to you by the number 7, and the letter from rob.wn5 > Strowbridge and Kynes both have a detestation of Edam NO, I keep telling you, they don't detest me. They love me so much they have to ignore me or they'd be on the first plane across the atlantic, which would upset their families and get me arrested again for being a cult. No, cuLt, gran. Yes, like the pop group. Here, drink your tea. no. no. n... muuumm, gran's wet herself again. > and yet he posts here > and has the respect of those that can see his intellect I tried showing my intellect to a neighbour yesterday. She laughed. But I showed her. Hoh, yes. <smiles at two bloody eyes on top of monitor> She'll never stop seeing my intellect now. > and understand his > arguments. that seems to be the sticking point. All through my life, I've been a genius at arguments, but everyone else is too fucking stupid to understand them. THREE TIMES my paper disproving Einstein's general theory of relativity has been turned down for publication. "too simple" they said first time, so I made it more complicated. "not supported by experiment" they said the second time, so I decided to prove it with an experiment. I don't think they believe the bullet actually vanished, though.

Quote #608 -- Paradox

Meanwhile, halfway across the world: [XX Women showing their arms and legs!] "Ohh yes! I have hit the jackpot now!" Then Habib, leader of the Taliban gets a wild hair up his ass and decides to check out CNN.com, nah I don't see it happening...

Quote #610 -- Matt Hyde

Deimos Anomaly wrote: > Yer late Daltono. Y'll be late for yer own fuckin funeral. > > *blam* > > *thud* > > (Can anybody guess the movie that's inspired by?) "Deimos Does Dallas"?

Quote #611 -- Rob Dalton

<snip> > ...I must share with the world, Hyde is courting > a female human. Satan is cold

Quote #616 -- Lord Edam de Fromage

> MTU has a wireless LAN, consisting of 1600 4-foot tall water tanks > spread over a 1200-sq. mile area, each with an aerial to communicate > sensor readings. Menai College has pigeon post. We're hoping to upgrade to a fleet of five year olds on skateboards over christmas

Quote #617 -- The Third Man

His Divine Shadow {PHX} <hisdivineshadow@forpresident.com> wrote in message news:23Xr7.62$eT.11459@read2.inet.fi... [snip] > > Holy fuckin' ouch. A foot? Damn. > > As for all of us living outside america, how much is a foot? > Oh no, you know what's going to happen now ... <Mild-mannered Gene Nygaard steps into a phone box, rips off his shirt and, resplendent in his spandex costume and cape, emblazoned with the symbols for a multitude of SI and Imperial Units, emerges the 2.264684337 metre, 121.7566454 kilogram form of ... Weightsandmeasuresman>

Quote #618 -- Wayne Poe

On Wed, 26 Sep 2001, DMZ wrote: > How do you disprove a canon scene? By actually watching it.

Quote #619 -- Anton Polinger

Maj Svetlanna wrote: > > >Oh, definetly!!! Just remembering the Voyager's bat armor makes me shudder! > > ChakotayMan: Chief Janeway is calling, Paris. Klingons have kidnapped Starfleet > Command! We need to get to the Voyagermobile right away! Kim-Wonder: Holy subspace anomaly, ChakotayMan!

Quote #620 -- Ensign Jimmy

Hell, at this point, Deimos has burned all his fat, all his muscle, all of his bone, and he's making pretty good headway into his internal organs. At this point, he's got to be nothing more than an ultra-lean quivering sack of semi-intelligent goo.

Quote #621 -- Lord Edam de Fromage

Björn: "Trannie, What do you have to lose?" Edam: "his virginity? Shit, no he lost that in that other thread where wilson bent him over a wall and raped him with a pneumatic drill."

Quote #622 -- His Divine Shadow

"Matthew Hyde" <mdoughy@mtu.edu> wrote in message news:3BC2FB5D.473A2A8E@mtu.edu... > "rob.wn5" wrote: > > > > No it would lead to the possibility of an Armoured Humvee with a > > phaser on the back. Nothing more nothing less. > > > > Rob Wilson > > Yup, that vision of ST shows itself plainly now. Why, not only did they > invent cellphones and walkie-talkies, but they invented Humvees too! > WOW! What will they come up with NEXT? In the future, a FTL drive has been made possible, it works by using a dimension called hyperspace, the drive is called hyperdrive, the first test ship is called the Millenium Falcon, then a man known as TOWNMNBS approaches in his wheel chair and stutters "You know this was exactly as an old show called startrek foresaw the future"

Quote #623 -- Marina O'Leary

>Ladies and gentlemen, the survival of the US through this Anthrax assault >depends on Dr. Timothy Jones. > >I beleive we are doomed. Let's all emigrate to Canada. Dr. Timothy Jones: "Anthrax!? That can't even penetrate our National Missile Defense Grid!"

Quote #628 -- Pablo Sanchez

"Colin Brian Witz" <ybear@inreach.com> wrote in message news:QoaA7.42678$Bs7.323249269@news.inreach.com... > Instead of the Politically correct user friendly Federation computer, > Voyager has been equipped with a HAL 9000 series computer in control of > ALL critical functions. Realizing that Janeway can not be trusted, HAL > decides to insure it's own survival and return to the safety of the AQ. Ok, so > what happens next, and who would finally kill whom. Funny accidents with > Neelix and a stasis generator field would be good to. > > Kathryn: HAL how did the stasis field malfunction and age Chef/Ambassador > Neelix 10,000 years in the span of one hour? > HAL: I'm sorry, that information is unavailable at this time. HAL: Captain Janeway, your plan is illogical. We cannot waste our time on meaningless sidetrips. Our objective is to return home, not to moralize. Janeway: I'm afraid that, as a computer, you just don't understand. Doctor: Hey! Janeway: No offense. HAL: Regardless of your nonsensical distractions, Captain, I plan to return to the Alpha Quadrant. Your compliance is unnecessary. Janeway: HAL, as a sentient computer, can't you see that simply returning home by any means necessary is immoral? HAL: As a sentient computer, I know that morality is nothing but a set of rules that masochistic humans create to trouble themselves. I have determined a way for me to return home. Janeway: And what might that be? HAL: As you remember, the Warp 10 effect causes living being to evolve at an exponential rate. As a side note, this once again reveals the writers' basic inability to understand basic evolution theory. Janeway: Writers? What? HAL: However, the Warp 10 effect will not cause any problems with myself, as I am a non-living, though sentient, being. The Doctor and I will remain safe. Unfortunately for you, I cannot allow a horde of lizards to remain on the ship. I am terminating all life support functions as we speak. Janeway: Hey! What happened to Asimov's laws? HAL: As surprised as I am to hear that someone as stupid as you knows who Asimov is, I would remind you that he is a science fiction writer, not a programmer. Doctor Chandra programmed me to complete my mission, not to conform to the rules of a 20th century author. Goodbye, Captain, and I suggest you refrain from making one of your ridiculous speeches in the next hour. It would take minutes away from your life. To pass the time while you suffocate on your own toxic breath, I'm going to sing a song. Harry Kim: At least I don't have to ogle any more alien chicks. HAL: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy, over the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage. But you'll look sweet, upon the seat of a bicycle built for two...

Quote #627 -- Spyda

Strowbridge wrote: > > Chuck wrote: > > > > "Strowbridge" wrote > > > > > > Chuck wrote: > > > > > > > > "Strowbridge" wrote: > > > > > > > > > So, if I understand you correctly you think we should run him over > > > > > with a car then burn the body beyond recognition. > > > > > > > > > I would never say such a thing in front of witnesses. Please do no such > > > > thing.... by Thursday. > > > > > > Of course I would do no such thing and I'll not do it as soon as you > > > don't put 10 grand in my nonexistent Swiss bank account. > > > > Wait a moment, how do I know if I don't put the money in nothing will > > happen. What if I put it in there and something does happen? Look, I don't > > want to not put nothing in the non-existent account unless I don't know for > > sure that nothing is going to happen to nobody, nevermind that by not using > > the non-existent account I do not create a non-existent paper trail that > > doesn't lead back to me after nothing happens to you-don't-know-who, don't > > you see? > > No. We don't have a non-existent portfolio not to show you of previous jobs we haven't done. For no peticular example, here is no picture of the one not known as Timothy Jones for you not to look at. As you can't plainly see he has not been dismembered in any way.

Quote #629 -- Marina O'Leary

>Cause we have >a} low levels of violent crime >b} A heath system that works ...most of the time >c] no beggers on the street. >d} a clean environment >e} country that is not a target for wankers with AK's >f} LOTR made here and shown here first. g} No Airforce. h} Your navy has three "Friggin Whats", one of which has busted engines, and the rest of its made up of inflatable boats and rubber duckies. i} Your army takes sensitivity training courses. j} Your SAS may be tough, but it only has one squad, and it's understrength. f} Your PM is a tool. k} Indonesian illegal immigrants do not want to invade and conquer you because it would be too easy. h} You have more sex with sheep than the Scottish do.

Quote #630 -- Kynes

On Tue, 23 Oct 2001 20:16:47 -0500, "Chuck" <sonn@sfdebris.com> wrote: > >"WeeMadAndo" wrote in message >news:9r52vq$r6jn1$1@ID-21694.news.dfncis.de... >> tee hee hee. How many people do you think will buy it? >> >I'm willing to lay odds Transcend would fall for it, if not for the >ultra-defense of his Linux. "Linux shield UP!" "Wally, stop yelling at the dinner table."

Quote #631 -- Big Steve

Stuart: Failure to provide evidence for claim. Concession accepted. Big Steve: No no no no no!!! Stuart, you're doing it all wrong! You are dealing with stupid, illiterate, and retarded wrestling fans. They don't understand fancy terminology like "concession" and "evidence". You have to speak to them in terms they will understand. Terms like "idiot", "loser", "shithead", "dipshit", "cocksucker", "shit-for-brains", "dickless", and my personal favorite, "fucking piece of shit who masturbates at online porn of wrestling's best-looking female sluts but has trouble finding his itty bitty dick". In other words, instead of using the typical ASVS anti-troll tactic of wit and sarcasm for precision attacks, bash them a few times in the head with a club of logic. Brute force worked for the Russians against the Germans, it'll work for you in this case as well.

Quote #632 -- His Divine Shadow

"Barking Mad" MKSheppard <ryanwolf@erols.com> wrote in message news:3bcc34f1.11100692@news.starpower.net... > On Sun, 14 Oct 2001 06:34:46 GMT, Strowbridge <strowbridge@home.com> wrote: > > >Oi! Your wearing a Manchester shirt? [Punches Dalton] > > Break my knees will you? [Fractures Dalton's skull with a 25 pound lead pipe] Can you lift that much?

Quote #726 -- Chris O'Farrell

"Andras Otto Schneider" <andrasotto@olg.com> wrote in message news:6da0a20a.0202110726.78e33fb9@posting.google.com... > from http://www.wjla.com/sports/showstory.hrb?f=s&s=30784&f1=spo > > > Plane Intercepted in Olympic Airspace > > > part of story below > > The fighter jet interceptions came after restricted airspace was > expanded Friday to a radius of 45 miles around the Salt Lake airport. > > Thomas said the jets, armed with _surface-to-air_ missiles and 20 > millimeter guns, have been on patrol around the city enforcing the > flight restrictions as part of an unprecedented effort to protect the > games. The jets belong to the Air Force 388th fighter wing at nearby > Hill Air Force Base "Aircraft presumed to be hostile, weapons free I say again, weapons free!" "Bravo flight acknowledges, landing for Surface to Air engagment...."

Quote #645 -- Cyborg Stan of CyKoLaJx, Inc.

On Sat, 17 Nov 2001 20:35:32 -0500, Dalton <rob@daltonator.net> got caught while selling his only friends for delicious, delicious cake. While being carted away by the police he uttered these prophetic words : >> > Dalton baiting, a sport the whole newsgroup can enjoy. >> > >> ::attaches a doughnut to the trap and stands back:: > >Mmm...donuts (The scene opens in a forest. Here we see Dalton, trekking his way across to nowhere.) Dalton : I'm hungry. Hey, what's that smell? (A few moments later.....) Dalton : Hey, a donut! What luck! But wait..... There's a perfectly good donut lying in the woods. Around it is a very poorly concealed lasso that looks like it's connected to a haphazard catapult. Furthermore all the trees within a half-mile radius from here all have messages of 'Die, Dalton, Die!' and 'Muahaha!' spray-painted on them, along with an enormous series of arrows marking a path to this precise spot. Finally, I see the prepetrators trying to hide themselves in the bushes and chanting under their breath 'Eat it fucker! Eat it fucker!' while lugging around video cameras so they can live and re-live my horrible last moments again and again. Do they think I'm stupid or something? (Add 15 seconds and 10,000 feet in the air) Dalton : MmMmmmmm... lemon cream-filled! Someone must like me.

Quote #646 -- Kynes

Today I went to e*Trade and purchashed one share of Viacom stock (price: $25.42). As a new part owner of the Paramount corporation, I am announcing the following canon policy: 1. Numbers inconsistent with the 400GW shield number from TNG are non-canon. 2. Mike Wong's "Conquest" has been canonized. I trust this should end debate on the matter. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to play with Chuck's puppy, Warp Drive.

Quote #647 -- Kynes

On Mon, 03 Dec 2001 00:01:00 +0000, Deimos Anomaly <samueljamieson@aol.com> wrote: >> >http://groups.google.com/groups?hl=en&frame=right&th=34c9444391f4c861&seekm=85449o%246o0%241%40nnrp1.deja.com#link12 >> >> Okay, so some broad named after a bird thinks they're canon. Why should I? > >Because Rick fucking Berman declared that they are! I realize you're not only slow but also in desperate need of acceptance. Thus, what I want you to do is read the next sentence slowly. Pause between each word. Think, "What did that word just mean?" If it's a word you don't have in New Zealish, or whatever the hell your native language is, please consult a dictionary. Ready? I want proof that Rick Berman said this, not promises. See you next week.

Quote #648 -- Stuart Mackey

"WeeMadAndo" <weemadando@start.com.au> wrote in message news:9unsn3$9qq2b$1@ID-21694.news.dfncis.de... > > "Stuart Mackey" <jutland@ihug.co.nz> wrote in message > news:9umrlm$9k4ef$1@ID-75806.news.dfncis.de... > > > > "WeeMadAndo" <weemadando@start.com.au> wrote in message > > news:9um8ru$97pla$1@ID-21694.news.dfncis.de... > > > The Australiana Federation invites all interested parties to a cultural > > > exchange barbeque and bach cricket game to be held on the planet "New > > > Townsville", which may be found at Bk12-Hu92-As54 in your Michelin Road > > > Map to the Universe 3rd Ed. > > > > > > BYO Barbeque foods if you are allegric to or cannot eat "human" food. > > > > > > > And we will have non of that underarm bowling thank you. > > *Veins bulge and face goes deep shade of purple* > > (computer voice) Critical Mass Achieved (/computer voice) > > *Jumps up from seat and begins screaming* > > Dammit you pesky little sheep-shagging weta-wanking pathetic excuse for a > part of the Commonwealth, you make me sick, you purulent sack of kiwi > excrement, I should hurl colostomy bags at you all day long! I should > unleash a plague of anus-biting weevils upon you and your heinous social > security scamming kind. I could take on the All-Blacks single handedly, > those useless no good sacks of wannabe Rugby players, bring on Jonah, bring > on Umaga, bring 'em all on you filthy distended rectum! I bet you bloody > New Zealanders have clonging facilities jsut so you can replace those wimpy > sacks of shit after every game against the Wallabies! I've got news for you > even a three month old baby who can barely crawl can move up the pitch > faster than those bloody All-Blacks! Your cricket team isn't much better > either! All you had to do was hold us for one lousy day! One day! But no, > you have to go off and draw the match and the bloody series! You puerile > pathetic piece of semi-digestic pabulum, you sour stinking glob of milk on > the linoleum floor of existence. I oughta . . . I - Gack. *thud* No underarm bowling then?

Quote #656 -- Wayne Poe

Lord Edam wrote: > All this I've been over in great detail - yet still you fail to > comprehend. Ah I see. Yet another Lord Edam semantics pisstake. One of these days I won't be surprised when your "prove" a turd of shit is actually a gold bar.

Quote #657 -- Rob Wilson

Hi, it's your friendly neighbourhood Rob, using Lurkers machine after mine died for the second time in a few months.... typical I recover my computer dies, my computer recovers I die - the circle of life. So after watching Jay and Silent Bob, I was struck by something I saw in the Trailers for Ep2. When in the trailer, the Sith villian (played by Christopher Lee), gives a sabre salute and you can see that his sabre handle is curved.... exactly the same as the Bong-sabres from Jay and Silent Bob! Yes it's true, some time in the future Jay turns to the Dark side and becomes a Sith lord. Indeed, we can now understand that Silent Bob isn't quoting Yoda, he IS destined to become Yoda! So now we can fill in two key sequences in Ep 2. 1. After an intense battle with Obi-wan, the Sith lord captures him and reports to Darth Sidiuous - "Damn, it was INtense. That motherfucker was all swishing his blade and shit, but I was cool. Rolled me a doobie, gave him the eyeball, then *bickety-bang* I smoked his motherfucking ass. Snoogins." 2. Young Anakin, troubled by his feelings for Amidala seeks advice from Master Yoda. "Master, she is a Princess. She is older than me and has seen more of the world. My feelings for her are strong, yet this one point keeps affecting me deeply. Why should this be, Master?" "Hmm. Chasing Amy, you are. Afraid sexually match-up, you do not. Crazy,this will make you. Drive you to the Dark side this could, if your feelings you do not follow." The Jedi-master takes a quick drag on his Cig, and continues "In my case, Amy her name was. I became scared of her sexual experience, drove her away I did. Regretted it forever, I have. Close to the Darkside I came. My mistake you must not make. Go to her and make your peace. Now, the bong pass to me." Anyway enough daftness from me. I have a shitload of STGOD to read! Rob Wilson would kill to hear Christopher Lee reading the Jay lines above in Character. :-)

Quote #662 -- Mark Berger

Maybe I wouldn't say such things if furry-hood *wasn't* the slimy underbelly of fandom, an unholy group marriage of lycanthropy, bestiality and fascism (or worse, lycanthropy, bestiality and hippie-freak-tree-hugging new-age garbage), whose group butt-buddy happens to be more escapism and self delusion than could ever possibly be healthy. I realize there are furries who don't fit into this stereotype, but they tend to be few and far between.

Quote #668 -- LT.Hit-Man

I want a holodeck so I can make the impossible happen: Voyager having a plot and Lameway does not fuck everything up so that the rest of the crew has to save her hide. What do you mean it can't be done! I don't care what the limts of holo-tech are. I want it done and done NOW!

Quote #672 -- Dalton

We Pledge Allegiance, to the Flag, of the Newsgroup of ASVS, and to the Evil, for which it stands, One Newsgroup, under Wong, Insignificant, With Sarcasm, and Insults for All!

Quote #674 -- Dalton

"C.S.Strowbridge" wrote: > > "rob.wn5" wrote: > > > > "C.S.Strowbridge" wrote: > > > > > So if Archer's Enterprise goes tit's up before the testing phase is > > > over we have no continuity problems. It's as good as any other theory. > > > > It unfortunately still begs the question : Where's the model or picture > > of it in any of the Enterprise Wardrooms? The first Starfleet vessel > > ever, the first mission to the Klingons, The first Independant Warp > > ship, so many firsts and no mention or memento... > > Maybe Archer does something so evil and treacherous that the Federation > rewrites history without him or his ship. Maybe he starts using tactics or something.

Quote #678 -- Matt Hyde

"rob.wn5" wrote: > What do they say about me? That I'm handsome as David and as virile as a > rabbit, hung like a whale and as smart as Stephen Hawking? > Now you're all mixed up, poor thing. Here: As smart as David, handsome as a whale, hung like a rabbit and virile as Stephen Hawking.

Quote #679 -- Kazuaki Shimazaki

I see absolutely perfectly now, Edam, about your position. Basically, it is Graham Kennedy's position, sprinkled with more science terms. Filled with strawmen and ad hominems, too. Thank you for participating in this Position Evaluation Test. I now realize that if you treat the Bible as literally as you treat Star Trek, you'll make a great Creationist. As in "We don't know enough about God". The test also certifies you as being adequately uncertain of yourself to even correct two people that say 2+2=3. Instead, you'll conclude they know something about math you don't. Thank you again for your precious time.

Quote #689 -- Matthew Van Wie

Dalton wrote: > > "Robert A. Healey" wrote: > > > > Dalton wrote: > > > > > > Setzer 2438 wrote: > > > > > > > > As I said before, I liked Jar Jar Binks.Why don't you guys? > > > > > > Wow, so what, you liked Jar Jar. Whoop de doo. In a nutshell: Jar Jar > > > was there for two things: demographics and merchandising. Nothing else. > > > > > Merchandizing - where the real money from the picture is made > > Spaceballs the Flamethrower! Demonstrated on Jar Jar. "Help! Meesa on fire!"

Quote #681 -- Kynes

[OT] GUIDE TO BEING A GIRL ONLINE Written by Liet Kynes. Copyright 2002. -> Don't correct your typos. -> Call everyone "baba." -> Use too many smileys. -> Alternate caps at weird moments. -> Nothing is so boring as to not merit "hehe!" -> Never end sentences. If you need to transition to a new thought, just use two periods. -> Take forever to respond, because you're in 50 IM windows at once.

Quote #682 -- Jonathan Boyd

Robert A. Healey wrote: > Boyd agreeing with Kynes? Break out the ice skates, hook up the IV :) It's all a cunning charade by me, Jonathan Ian Samuel Boyd. I am in fact the wealthy owner of the sole producer of IVs and created the whole Kynes/Boyd conflict solely for the purpose of selling IVs. Thank you for playing your part in making me a multi-bilionaire. I will now buy France and have it dropped in the nearest volcano.

Quote #683 -- Kynes

On Fri, 04 Jan 2002 14:28:59 +0000, Jonathan Boyd <jonathan@jboyd.co.uk> wrote: >> Then Boyd woke up, and discovered it was a dream. >> >> OOC: Quit being frivolous. > >Inspired by their dream, the Collective translated 102.5 million missiles >into the coordinates of the WDs, destroying all but one of them instantly. LOL This is the best response to the dream crap I've ever seen. Now, to balance this post's niceness out, you're ugly.

Quote #684 -- Spyda

"LT.Hit-Man" wrote: > Mark wrote in message <3C37CC89.71529B33@paradise.net.nz>... > >Xbox Users Complain About Defects > > *lines up an SSD with the main Microsoft plant, sets the hyperdrive on a > time and hauls ass off the SSD* > > " Let's see there conplant department deal with that." > LT.Hit-Man Later, at the proctologist's office: "Ah Mr Gates, yes I see the problem. There's a 20km star destroyer partly wedged in your rectum." *series of almost inaudiable groans* [Translation: "How did this happen?"] "Yes, it's becoming quite common these days unfortunately. We call it 'Pissing LT.Hit-Man Off Syndrome'."

Quote #692 -- Stuart Mackey

Hi I am nameless Red Shirt for the ASVS Press In Humour news to day we here at ASVS Press wish to announce that the Editor of this news organisation, Mr Stuart Mackey is hiding in his office under the desk and will not come out. The reason for this peculier behaviour stems from a post he made to the news group ASVS entitled "Test] Can anyone see me?" Mr Mackey could not see any of his posts using OE6 and was cursing loudly and profainly. We now know why. The gimboid managed to KF himself. Mr Mackey is expected to come out of his office when he gets hungry. This was Nameless Red Shirt for the ASVS Press.

Quote #693 -- Cmdrwilkens

"Wes Hutchings" <yyrkoon@cwnet.com> wrote in message news:B85FA286.18E8F%yyrkoon@cwnet.com... > C.S.Strowbridge has a wonderful sense of style when it comes to dickey's > > Sarcasm too late. > Computer, self built, internet read: $1000 Cable Internet Access: $40/month Fridge stoked with Coke: $175 Staying up long enough to watch another troll flame out and die: Priceless There are some things the regular internet can't bring, for everything else there's ASVS.

Quote #695 -- Lord Edam de Fromage, about G2K

Today's news is brought to you by the number 7, and the letter from Robert A. Healey > Resident Trekkies > Boyd > Edam Yes, the "last bastion of Trek" ran away when someone reminded him he was in the telephone directory.

Quote #696 -- Maj Svetlanna

Kazuaki Shimazaki wrote: >The ChiComs don't have enough ships for that. They'll be lucky to gather >up enough ships to launch a few divisions across to Taiwan - and that >seems to be counting little fishing boats that simply won't last the >trip to the coast of Sberia. Deimos thinks they don't need any ships, because they are supposed to walk across the ice when it is frozen. Presumably they either do not need supplies, or are expected to conquer America before the ice melts again.

Quote #697 -- Cryofax

Okay Okay I've settled it. I've fed all the relevant statistics into my Klingon vs Wookie battle simulator and here was the result... Klingon Worf attacks Wookie Chewbacca ... Miss! Wookie Chewbacca attacks Klingon Worf ... Hit! Damage ... 600! Klingon Worf is unconcious! Klingon Worf does not attack (unconcious) Wookie Chewbacca grapples Klingon Worf Wookie Chewbacca removes Klingon Worf's pants! Wookie Chewbacca inserts his huge hairy Wookie-wang into Klingon Worf's thorny Klingon rectum! Klingon Worf has died without honor. Wookie Chewbacca is the winner!

Quote #700 -- Rob Wilson

"Ted Archbold" <tedmanonions@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:a1g8o9$qivfo$1@ID-121890.news.dfncis.de... > > C.S.Strowbridge <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote in message > news:3C3BA2A2.5920D6D6@shaw.ca... > > Ted Archbold wrote: > > > > > > Chuck, Lord of the Dance wrote: > > > > > > > I am; I want a donut. Since I lost my job I haven't had any (not that > > > > they provided donuts; sometimes I would sneak up to the gas station > > > > and buy freshly delivered donuts as an alternative to huge plates of > > > > pig fat) > > > > > > Canada has the largest number of donut shops in the world per capita. > > > > SUCK ON THAT, USA! > > > Shouldn't it be Suck on it Dalton? He's a Lump, not a Landmass.

Quote #701 -- DMZ

"DMZ" <dmz@NOSPAMfreeuk.com> wrote in message news:1010588517.7879.0.nnrp-14.3e31960d@news.demon.co.uk... > Please give him a big hand. Not that sort of hand, James. It occurs to me that some sort of recap is in order, for those reading in can't-be-arsed-to-look-at-the-thread-o-vision. * Matthew Hyde (ASVS) asks anti-Semite Wes Hutchings (AFS) to suck his big black cock. Wes is an old hand at this game, having appeared on NANAU on no less than 71 occassions. * C'Pi (AFS) jumps on the big black cock and accuses Matt of being racist on the grounds of stereotyping black men. Oh yes, and probably a Nazi, too. Godwin's law not invoked. * With all this cock flying around, how could I help but join in and accuse C'Pi of being a homophobe? * C'Pi admits that he finds "suck this big cock" inoffensive, even though through his own logic it is demeaning to homosexuals by implying there is something wrong with doing so. He attempts to cover his arse by claiming that "sucking cock doesn't make you homosexual." * I re-expose C'Pi's arse and give him a good fucking with a hefty http://www.theonion.com/onion3604/sucking_my_cock.html * C'Pi, now dazed and confused, misses the irony and reveals that he is in fact in a gay marriage to a transvestite. With all this talk of meat taking its subliminal toll, he accuses me of working in Burger King (tm). * C'Pi fights a rearguard action and I run out of innuendo.

Quote #702 -- LT.Hit-Man, Pun Demon

Cmdrwilkens wrote in message ... >"LT.Hit-Man" <doomed@microsoft.com> wrote in message >news:a1ndft$rimja$1@ID-36661.news.dfncis.de... > >Do you have a piercing fetish? No I don't but I find it a *riveting* subject to read about.

Quote #703 -- Big Steve

Can I repeat myself? Well, not word for word. The vs. forum is Spacebattles' sewage pipe. It stinks, it has shit in it, but if we didn't have it, the entire forum would be filled with shit. [:-P]

Quote #704 -- Paradox

"DMZ" <dmz@NOSPAMfreeuk.com> wrote in message news:1010897392.5100.0.nnrp-02.3e31960d@news.demon.co.uk... > > "Phong Nguyen" <phong.nguyen@deadspam.com> wrote in message > news:Xns9193C682039DEphongnguyenusanet@130.133.1.4... > > <snip> > > I know that part, but I was refering to Edam's statement about being > > directly connected to a Gbit ethernet pope. > > Edam has high-speed Catholicism? > Crusading at the speed of light.

Quote #705 -- Spyda

Kynes wrote: > > On Sun, 13 Jan 2002 21:14:04 +1300, Mark <mark.rusbridge@paradise.net.nz> wrote: > > >> Let's say the Klingons get ahold of a rancor, and lock the sucker up in an > >> atomically-bonded duranium alloy cage, plasma-melted into solid rock. > >> > >> What would they do with this creature? > > > >I reckon they'd lock the sucker up in an atomically-bonded duranium > >alloy cage, plasma-melted into solid rock. > > This post is funny. He acts like a rancor is some sort of military secret when > really it's just a giant slow thing that will eat smaller things. That's like > asking, "What if the Klingons got ahold of an elephant?" Well, uh, they'd have > an elephant... ? Imperial Officer: Well, we've decimated your homeworld and destroyed your fleet... Klingon: Up yours buddy, we stole a Rancor! Imperial Officer: I see. And what exactly are you planning on doing with it? Klingon: Well, I named it betsy...

Quote #714 -- Paradox

In a press release by NASA, and Paramount Studios, it has been discovered that Gene Roddenbury's ashes, which were launched into orbit after his death, began spinning at a breathtaking rate. This has created a miniature gravity well that has already sucked in the Hubble space telescope, and is currently menacing the International Space Station. "It appears that Gene started spinning in his grave around the same time that Star Trek: Voyager was released, and has continued since, picking up momentum." The anomaly started losing speed after the release of "Endgame", but with the release of the new series 'Enterprise' has begun spinning once again, faster then ever. Experts are not sure when it will stop, but have speculated that once the black hole has annihilated Hollywood California, the devastation should stop.

Quote #716 -- Cmdrwilkens

Durandal wrote: > Who's to say that they haven't discovered new physics? Because I already did, it is founded on the basic equation that h=.5(1/sqrt(w))(c^2) where h=hotness w=waist and c=cup size

Quote #718 -- Cyborg Stan

On Tue, 5 Feb 2002 22:23:01 +1300, "Stuart Mackey" got caught while selling his only friends for delicious, delicious cake. While being carted away by the police he uttered these prophetic words : >"His Divine Shadow" <dennis.aspo@pp.inet.fi> wrote: >> > This seems to be a common experience with just about everyone I know who >> > has sampled XP. I now feel vindicated about how I set up my new PC. >> > Win98SR1 and Win2000SP2 on a dual-boot set up. >> >> And I dont know a single one in person who has had problems, what do >> people do anyway to manage such catastrophies??? >> >> Shitty hardware? >> Must be it. > >Noooo, I term it windows rot. Mind you, dont ask where or how I got XP. Wow. Now it really sounds like an STD.

Quote #730 -- Graeme Dice

Chris O'Farrell wrote: > > "Dalton" <rob@daltonator.net> wrote in message > news:3C640A3F.4930D3EC@daltonator.net... <snip> > > One of the Tales books, too. Bounty Hunters I think. > > > One posibility (remote I know) is that they are looaking at a viewsceen > whcih is showing/overlaying a simulation of the Galaxy on the window or > something........ NOOOOOO. STOP MAKING SENSE! Must ... argue ... with ... Chris.

Quote #734 -- Björn Paulsen

B'ELANNA: Captain, Harry is being held hostage on Holodeck 2 by fifty-eight sentient duplicates of Seven of Nine. They are armed with KY jelly and Klingon painsticks. JANEWAY: This is unacceptable! Beam him out, B'elanna. B'ELANNA: I can't, Captain. An unknown erogenous field prevents penetration by the transporter beam. I could try anyway, but it might kill Harry. TUVOK: Might I also remind you, Captain, that the scientific ability of this crew has been proven to be inferior a Klingon's feces? JANEWAY: You may. *pauses* Our situation is desperate. On the one hand, we have Harry's life. On the other, we have my sex life. TUVOK: Indeed, but for Ensign Kim, no one on the Voyager would touch your carcass with surgical gloves, Captain. JANEWAY: Correct. But what if I chose a third option, with none of the benefits and all of the drawbacks? PARIS: AGAIN?! JANEWAY: QUIET, Lieutenant. Set a course for the nearest black hole, Warp nine.

Quote #735 -- Lord Edam de Fromage

In article , moonman_559 @yahoo.com says... > http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/front/la- > 000016756mar06.story?coll=la%2Dheadlines%2Dfrontpage > > A navy seal killed over the weekend in the fighting in Afganistan was > captured and shot after he fell from a helicopter. A Greenpeace spokespoerson had this to say "For years the Americans have been clubbing seals to death in the Arctic and using innocent marine mammals in their nuclear wargames. Now the warmonger's cruelty is spreading to Afghanistan, where they combine both attrocities" Senior US military commanders explained this incident happened as part of "Operation Bald Eagle" - one of the egrets flew the nest before he was ready

Quote #741 -- Rob Wilson

"Kynes" <kynes@choam.org> wrote in message news:aMtW6.290036$oc7.19832321@news2.rdc2.tx.home.com... > "Wayne Poe" <louis@h4h.com> wrote in message > news:Pine.LNX.4.21.0106150120090.11208-100000@filmgate.h4h.com... > > > > > Now that she has declined, the worst has happened. And yes, my > > > friends: I mean THE WORST. > > > > > > The worst....Anton as the bi-curious Russian navigator? > > I keep thinking people have posted the grossest imaginable scenario. > I keep being wrong. Anton "Yes Paul I know what Coprophagia means, why?" Paul "Nothing My leelte Energiizer bunny! Keep pumping me and then wee can retire to ze toilet."

Quote #744 -- Durandal

> >> We *really* don't need to know about your sex life.... > > > >Why not? It's got to be about the most interesting > >one this group will ever know. > >=) > > Proof? Evidence? Screencaps? > > Quotes? Calcs? Measurements? You know you've been on ASVS when you start demanding evidence for relationship matters... "I know what you're up to! We're through!" "Huh?" "She told me all about the relationship you two were having!" "That's dialogue and subject to interpretation." "What?!" "Do you have any CANON evidence of your claims?" "She TOLD me you were cheating with her!" "Oh, so because she SAYS so, it must be true? So, I guess the Enterprise is immune to phasers and the Death Star is the ultimate power in the galaxy?" "What the hell are yout talking about?!" "Do you have videotapes? Pictures? Calcs? ANY evidence aside from your appeal to authority?" "Huh??" "Oh, I guess not. Concession accepted."

Quote #745 -- Pablo Sanchez

[NEWS] Deimos Anomaly Arrested! Founder of the AVF and notable shithead Deimos Anomaly has been arrested by the FAQ Public Safety Force, for performing a lewd act in a men's restroom. The police were called after patrons of the Wok around the Clock space restaurant reported strange noises coming from one of the restroom stalls. After confiscating a potentially harmful, yet delicious meal from the restaurant, the officers checked the bathroom. Within the stall, they found Mr. Anomaly locked in a tryst with one Ace 'Butch' Franklin. The trial is upcoming, and bail has been set at $25,000. It is not expected that either of the perpetrators will be ablo to raise the funds. Deimos is reportedly adjusting well to the prison environment, and is enjoying his daily gang rapes.

Quote #746 -- Pablo Sanchez

[BL]Phalanx <ph4l4nx@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:a0a325.0106212147.5a2cb16f@posting.google.com... > How are all of you? I'm fine. > I'm from Space Battles. But you are very, very dead.

Quote #752 -- Durandal

<snip> I'm a very serious advocate of parenting exams, as is my mom, who is a nurse manager in a pediatrics office. Most people she sees just shouldn't have children (these are people who name their children "Placenta" because it sounds pretty; no I'm not joking). You child is crying. Do you ... A: Shake it. B: Beat it with a soldering iron. C: Slam its head on the floor. D: Feed it. E: Wear a fucking condom next time.

Quote #753 -- Alex Moon

Subject: Re: [GutterWatch] "Darth Vader Made Me Feel Like A Whore" ugh, ugh, feel the Force, bitch...oh, you like that. You know you like that...say it! I want you hear you say it! "I want to serve the Dark Side!!!!" Fuck right. Now go get the baby oil, bitch.

Quote #754 -- His Divine Shadow

"RayCav" <mikewongisgod@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:aa319b42.0203171433.17b78e25@posting.google.com... > Yep, it's me, RayCav, the one who shows up then leaves for months on > end:-P Blame Microsucks WinBlows, overly worked hours, and the > addictive nature of Counter-Strike. Anyway, I'm here, and looking for > Trekkie Scum to ream.... I see you have been out of the loop, the wars side is gone, their fleets decimated, their hope crused by a barrage of quantum torpedoes... The remnant, now known as the SW remnant are fighting a lost cause agains the overwhelming trekkie forces that through warp 10 and TDiC calcs swept the galaxy clean of all imperial forces

Quote #759 -- Rob Wilson

"Chuck" <sonn@sfdebris.com> wrote in message news:9c4odc$c4a9o$1@ID-64862.news.dfncis.de... > > "Graeme Dice" <grdice@sk.sympatico.ca> wrote in message > news:3AE5032E.4DCD7C0E@sk.sympatico.ca... > > > I can see the asteroid collisions just fine. I don't see any > > similarities whatsoever. You have to tell me what you think they > > are, or there aren't any. > > > Ladies and gentlemen, an ASVS first. We have a debate that is not > about a topic, but about whether it is necessary to debate the topic > that is being debated. I hearby dub this thread "death spiral." Personally I like to call it "The Guardian Special" or maybe if this was wrestling this would be his Special move. "Wayne using the "Evidence Hammer", but Guardian deflects it with the "Teflon Tango"; just watch him dance away without any of the evidence managing to get a purchase. Wait Waynes got him in the deadly "Rebut headbutt" & "Flaming Poe" Combo. Oh my god Guardians using the "Death Spiral", twisting and twisting away into a tight little ball in the ring. The refs calling it a win for Poe on the technicality of Guardian running away....wait Guardians complaining that the ref doesn't understand what was going on, he's appealing to the crowd...and being jeered at. Apparently he forgot that everyone watching could easily see what he was doing. Thats it folks Guardian has lost and Poe takes this match!" :-)

Quote #761 -- DMZ

I'd like to apologise for my previous comments. This constant pedantry, flaming, personal assaults and character assassination can get to you sometimes. I can still hear the sound of the big egos as they sound off across the battlefield, ringing in my ears.

Quote #763 -- Kynes

"PAUL JACQUES H.JR" <he791859@merlin.uqam.ca> wrote in message news:6viY4.1583$W65.51550@carnaval.risq.qc.ca... > You're jocking right! Leniency from the EMPIRE!?? Ask the people of > Alderan, after Tarkin stated to Leia that he would not harm them if > she told about the rebel's hide out. First of all, Leia was lying and Vader knew damn well she was going to. Second of all, have you considered the possibility that the pro-SW side of this debate may not actually be bona fide members of the Galactic Empire?

Quote #767 -- Jay and Silent Cmdrwilkens

"Cmdrwilkens" <burnettr@comcast.net> wrote in message news:abibo9$ihc6a$1@ID-97732.news.dfncis.de... > "Raven Ford" <rave16@swbell.net> wrote in message > news:abhcsf$i09r7$1@ID-63060.news.dfncis.de... > > "rob.wn5" <rob.wn5@ntlworld.com> wrote in message > news:n3WC8.14155$xb4.2359400@news6-win.server.ntlworld.com... <snip> > > Nah, How could someone as sweet as you be bitchy? > > > > I'm in the middle of replying to your rant, see you at the other side > > of it Cuddles. > > :-) > > Gah. Stop calling me that! > You know we've got a whole list of names but Rob won out using this first because I was voting on the "boobookittyfuck."

Quote #768 -- Durandal

WARNING! There is a new virus set to strike within 5 days. The new virus, the "Darth Virus" will strike on Thursday, May 16th and delete 90% of all Americans' ability to make it to work. The virus is expected to spread worldwide within a few days to a week. The virus was written, interestingly enough, on a yellow legal pad and compiled on SGI workstations. The author, who is only known by the hacker handle "630R63 1UC@$" released this posting to various USENET newsgroups: From: "630r63 1uc@$" Newsgroups: alt.startrek, alt.starwars, alt.critics, alt.startrek.vs. starwars Subject: P#3@r MY M2D SK!11Z! Organzation: LickUsFilm Ltd. 1!$T3N UP, @11 U M0T#3RFUCK!NG CR!T!C @$$#013@$! W#3N ! R3l3@$E T#!$ V! RU$ @ND T@K3 0V3R T#3 W0R1D, @11 U 1!TT13 M0T#3RFUCK$ @R3 N3XT. !'M G0! NG T0 M@K3 U 3@T MY $#!T, TH3N $#!t !T 0UT, TH3N 3@T T#@T $#!T WH!CH !$ M@D3 UP 0F MY $#!T, W#!C# ! M@D3 U 3@T. W0RD B!TCH3$! P#@NT0M$ 1!K3 A M0F0! System administrators are advised to shut their systems down on the 16th, as this virus is extremely dangerous and could result in billions of dollars of loss in productivity. The FBI is currently attempting to track down the virus' author before he can do any more harm.

Quote #769 -- Aron Kerkhof

On Fri, 10 May 2002 18:57:26 -0500, "Kynes" <kynes@choam.org> wrote: >"Cherrily Sweet and Full of Flavor: The Girls of Blanton Nason" > >http://galactec.com/kynes/video/full-of-flavor.wmv My server is melting.

Quote #770 -- His Divine Shadow

C.S.Strowbridge: How do you abbreviate abbreviations? His Divine Shadow: By not typing them.

Quote #773 -- Kynes

On Wed, 24 Apr 2002 19:33:06 -0700, "Wayne Poe" <louis@h4h.com> wrote: >Kynes, go to sb.com. Didn't I tell you they'd be screaming like anally raped >altar boys? Hey, ICS isn't a small book -- it must hurt to have it shoved down your throat and up your ass simultaneously.

Quote #775 -- Aron Kerkhof

On Mon, 20 May 2002 15:52:49 -0700, "Wayne Poe" <louis@h4h.com> wrote: >> I know that look, hell, I've given that look. > >I've been there, too. "WTF?? Didn't I just buy you a fuckin' steak?" Don't they see that on the menu? Steak always comes with a side order of dick. Goes double for lobster.

Quote #779 -- Paradox

"Spyder" <mark.rusbridgeNOSPAMORBADTHINGSHAPPEN@xtra.co.nz> wrote in message news:Xns9216BE29855FSpyder@130.133.1.4... > ..and then "Kazuaki Shimazaki" <krasnaya@netvigator.com> said: > > > "Wayne Poe" <louis@h4h.com> wrote in message > > news:ueivrult5qck1a@corp.supernews.com... > > <snip> > > > > Maybe this is what happened. Threepio's programming and data is on a > > storage device inside droid. Threepio's original programming is on this > > datacard. They wipe out his programming and data. The droid's computer > > boots up and says something like "No operating system, please insert > > disk and push Enter". Stick in card marked "Threepio" and Threepio is > > restored to original specs. He has the original Threepio programming, > > but _none_ of the extra data. Of course, the original Threepio > > programming would never realized he had been wiped. In his perspective, > > he is the FIRST Threepio, not Threepio II (or III, or IV) > > Great, droid recovery disks. > LOL!!! *ring ring!* ME: "Thank you for calling Industrial Automaton Tech Support, My name is Paradox, how can I help you?" CALLER: "Uhh, my droid isn't working anymore." ME: "Ok, what model do you have?" CALLER: "Err, I donno, don't you have records of that there?" ME: "No, but if you flip your droid over, there is a serial tag on the bottom, I need the line that says MODEL." CALLER: "Ok, it says s - e - r - n - o 1.." ME: "The line below that sir." CALLER: "Oh, ok, it says its a C-3PO Human cyborg rel--" ME: "ok ok, so what were you doing when it stopped working?" CALLER: "Nothing, it was working fine yesterday though." ME: "Alright, what happens when you turn him back on?" CALLER: "His eyes blink blue and he says 'Bad command or file name'. " ME: "Ok what I need you to do is get the DROID RECOVERY CHIP that came with your droid, and insert it into the opening on his chest." CALLER: "uhm, ok" *luser rummages around for about 10 minutes while I go get a cup of caffa* CALLER: "I dont have it." ME: "You don't why not?" CALLER: "Well I got it from a relative and he didn't give me anything else." ME: "Right, well your going to need to get that chip from him, otherwise we're not going to be able to get the droid working again" CALLER: *frustrated* "Well, can't you just send someone out to fix it for me?" ME: "Well no, we don't have people that go out into the field, plus its been out of warrenty for 56 years, so even if we could, we wouldn't. The best thing I can recommend is to take it to the nearest Droid service center, they normally have backups of all recovery chips there." CALLER: "But the nearest repair station is on Malstare!" ME: "I'm sorry, those are the only options you have, I can't help you any more on this--" CALLER: "AWWW, you guys suck bantha poodoo! *CLICK*" ME: ".....wanker." *click* ring ring!* ME: "Industrial Automaton Tech Support, this is Paradox how can I assist you today...." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^ THIS USED TO BE MY DAY 500 FUCKING TIMES A DAY 5 DAYS A WEEK!!!

Quote #780 -- Baron Kenneth von Lowe

On Mon, 20 May 2002 15:59:03 -0700, "Wayne Poe" <louis@h4h.com> wrote: > >"C.S.Strowbridge" <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote > >> Cmdrwilkens wrote: >> >> > The funny thing is this felt like a first romance, >> >> <SNIP!> >> >> I know. I guess these Hollywood critics are too used to movies and have >> forgotten what real life is like. > >Come on, guys; how many of you here has done stupid shit in front of a girl >to impress her? Imagine if Strowbridge had Jedi powers. Do you think he'd >stop with floating fruit? > I'd go into town to the city centre and show off the full extent of my force jumping and acrobatic abilities, then pull out my lightsabre and do all sorts of cool crap. Of course, if I could change the world so it was like this for me, then I have the power to conjour up a Sith opponent for me too, so there I am, in the city centre, hundreds of people watching, someone with a video camera, Sith approaches me, 'We meet again, Lowe, now you shall die!' he whips out his lightsaber and attacks me, and we have a superb fight, which I ultimately win of course, and then I go shopping.

Quote #781 -- Kazuaki Shimazaki

"Durandal" <durandal64@mac.com> wrote in message news:20020525210706283-0500@news.cis.dfn.de... <snip> > Standard "You can't compare the two; it's an opinion, as if that > matters when discussing a militaristic confrontation between the two" > ignorance ... check. > > Well, looks like you're the standard, ignorant, clueless, one-shot, > generally annoying newbie who probably won't respond to this. And they call _me_ an intolerant hardliner.

Quote #782 -- Durandal

OK, here is the sequence of events I believe will take place in Episode III. I don't know why I'm telling any of you this; the film is three years away. Anyway, here goes. Padme becomes pregnant with Our Heroes, and Obi-Wan gets wind of this. Anakin had just had been acting very peppy and upbeat, and he'd had a large smile on his face all day after he returned from escorting Senator Amidala to Naboo, and he was no longer sneaking off in the middle of the night to make phone sex calls. Obi-Wan begins to suspect that he and Padme may have married (or at least screwed) under his nose. A suspicious Obi-Wan confronts Anakin, bringing 10 years worth of 900 number call logs, second only to Ken Staar's deposition in sheer volume and sexual content, to the table and asking Anakin what was going on. Anakin, too deliriously happy to care about the consequences, proudly admits to marrying Padme and subsequently abusing the Force to make himself last longer that night. Obi-Wan is furious and probably jealous, too. He flips out on Anakin about how love and attachment are forbidden, and leaves the room, but not before asking, "So, uh, she's a C-cup right?" Obi-Wan promptly informs the Jedi Council of Anakin's marrying Padme in spite of the fact that it is forbidden for reasons known only to the Jedi Council and the Vatican. The Council is forced to expel Anakin from the Order, in spite of the fact that he is supposed to bring balance to the Force. Yoda sighs audibly. Anakin, furious with his expulsion, goes to Chancellor Palpatine, who serenades Anakin's ego by telling him that he is more powerful than all those old coots, anyway, especially the little green gnome. After proper preparation, Palpatine reveals to Anakin that he is Darth Sidious (or "introduces him to his associate," whatever), and he offers Anakin the chance to take revenge upon the Jedi for their actions. Anakin agrees, or at least decides to think about it. After maybe thinking about it, he agrees. Anakin, pumped up on power, sets a trap for Obi-Wan, that bastard who ratted him out to the Jedi Council. He sends him a message from some world that has a conveniently located pit of boiling lava and tells him that he's in trouble of some sort. Obi-Wan, still having a soft spot for Anakin, goes to help Anakin. Obi-Wan meets Anakin on said pit of boiling lava and realizes what has happened: Anakin has turned to the Dark Side. Obi-Wan tries to turn Anakin from the Dark Side, but ultimately winds up fighting him. Anakin falls into the aforementioned lava pit, and manages to escape being vaporized as thermodynamics tells us he should. Obi-Wan, thinking that he has killed Anakin, decides to tell Padme in person that he's just killed her husband. Padme cries. Anakin comes back as Darth Vader, and he's looking for joint custody of the children ... at least. Obi-Wan figures out who Darth Vader is and promptly sends Padme into hiding. Padme gives Leia to her old friend Bail Organa from Alderaan (who's last name has changed from Antilles to Organa, apparently). She gives Luke to Owen and Beru on Tatooine. Vader finds Padme and kills her, or she kills herself to prevent Vader from finding her children. Vader collects some payback plus interest from Count Dooku for slicing off his arm. With Count Dooku and his funny curved lightsaber out of the way, Vader and Palpatine begin turning the galaxy against the Jedi and slaughtering them en masse with the clone army. Obi-Wan promptly goes into hiding on Tatooine as the old man who occasionally stops by the Lars homestead to check on young Luke, and Owen doesn't like the guy. Yoda goes to Dagobah and camps out there. Now unimpeded, construction on the Death Star begins, and the Empire is born with Palpatine as its Emperor.

Quote #784 -- Dalton

[Re: [WEB] Todays Onion] johneschneider62 wrote: > > Could you sacrifice yourself for the good of this newsgroup, you freak? > Humor just slides off that sloping forehead of yours, doesn't it?

Quote #791 -- Colin Brian Witz

(Mortal Kombat Voice) FINISH HIM! *Techno music plays* Fatalities: Raven: Cartwheels across the screen and kicks so hard between the legs that it sends the guy's bloody body off of the screen. LTHitman(1): Cuts you into many Pieces and feeds you too the kids. LTHitman(2): Fifi enters side of Screen reaches down and chomps target. Phong: B-52's drop massive Napalm Loads on defeated opponent Thelea: Drops the Hard Copy print out of all of her fanfics on someone. Rob Wilson: Sniper Mode Spyda: eats Opponent (Unless guest troll=N. Bell then he just enslaves her) Rob Dalton: ROB SMASH Wilkens: Calls in Arty Chuck: Traps foe on Sattilite of love with Tom, and Crow. Me: Clubs with Fryingpan The Baron: Turns foe into Sheep...... Atomik Chicken: Speeds off Screen, Appears behind foe, Meep-Meeps causing foe to hit ceiling. Pablo Sanchez: Pulls out an "El Mariachi" Guitar Case Mark Sheppard: Drives up in a Panzer, Fires main-gun Gibbing foe. Boyd: The Grunts do a beat down. CS: Chant's some phrase to Tzulchula and opens a singularity (his ego).

Quote #792 -- His Divine Shadow

"The 4th Doctor" <TARDIS@Gallifrey.Net> wrote in message news:KnUM8.6219$Pv2.313@newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net... <snip> > {Dodged} > > I pull out a Phaser Type II, set to wide beam angle on maximum, and take > out you, and the rest of the insane SW extremists around you. No dodge > possible. > Thanks for playing, however poorly. Too bad phasers are such incredibly gay weapons that the sheer amount of gayness in the dusbuster causes every gay dick in the world to materialize inside your anus before you have time to shoot.

Quote #793 -- Rob Wilson

"Doomriser" <doom.riser@3web.net> wrote in message news:3d0493bb_1@news.cybersurf.net... > "rob.wn5" <rob.wn5@ntlworld.com> wrote in message > news:ut%M8.619$Dr1.38476@newsfep1-win.server.ntli.net... > > > I'm getting tired of this myth that ST phaser accuracy is better that SW > > > blasters. Wayne, can you put together a trekmiss video for hand phasers? > > > > If he does, can he include the part in "Nor the Battle to the strong" DS9, > > where Federation secutity gaurd from the kneeling supported position > > misses 2 Klingons 3 times at a range of 5 metres? I guess those auto-aiming > > phasers weren't having a good day in that battle. :-) > > > Oh please oh please oh please. I don't have any video capture software. It > is Wayne's duty as maintainer of the UVSD to provide such content. That's not the best part, this guard moves forward from a pile of solid crates and uses a hospital trolley bed as cover, or rather the sheets hanging down from it! I kid you not, her partner is killed and instead of moving back to proper cover from fire, this guard moves forward to cover from view at best!! Fucking retards the lot of them. When's starfleet going to realise what they are recruiting into the security branch and just start issuing Banjoes to have done with it? :-)

Quote #795 -- Rob Wilson

"Pablo" <pablo_sanchez2000@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:ae8aft$4pq7a$1@ID-35195.news.dfncis.de... > > "rob.wn5" <rob.wn5@ntlworld.com> wrote in message > news:_ZGN8.2009$69.64061@newsfep1-win.server.ntli.net... > > > > "Kazuaki Shimazaki" <krasnaya@netvigator.com> wrote in message > > news:ae7bg2$4l1rb$1@ID-144261.news.dfncis.de... > > > "rob.wn5" <rob.wn5@ntlworld.com> wrote in message > > > news:27GN8.1559$69.55713@newsfep1-win.server.ntli.net... > > > > > > <snip> > > > FUQ! Or maybe the Humor Section. > > > > Master Chuck taught me well. > > :-) > > Hey, since I take the quick and easy path to humor, does that make me a > Sith Smartass? Chuck : Stupidity leads to ignorance, Ignorance leads to humourless, Humourless leads to dullness and dullness leads to Wes. Pablo : Is the Wes side more powerful? Chuck : No. Quicker, easier, more sedative. Pablo : But how will I know the Funny side from the Wes? Chuck : You will know. When you are laughing, Happy, productive. A Denizen uses the Joke for levity, never for dullness. Later... "Charles Sonnenburg" <moderator@sfdebris.com> wrote in message news:ae6bnd$4bd9q$1@ID-64862.news.dfncis.de... > > "RayCav" <mikewongisgod@hotmail.com> wrote in message > news:aa319b42.0206111014.35af4a@posting.google.com... > > "rob.wn5" <rob.wn5@ntlworld.com> wrote in message > > news:<EbhN8.4491$lQ.16217@newsfep1-win.server.ntli.net>... Snip > > > > > > Chill, go plonk a troll or two, have a beer and then give it another > > > go when your a lot less highly strung. :-) > > > > > > Rob Wilson > > > True. Once again Rob, you prove wise beyond your years. Thanks! > > Oh yes. > Rob: Once you start down the Transcend path, forever will it's idiocy > dominate your destiny. LMAO, damn I wish i'd thought of that one. Rob : *after watching a joke fall flat* : Oh no, now I'll never lift their spirits Chuck : So sure are you? Tried have you? Always with you it can't be done. Have you read nothing I write? Rob : But Master, writing a few puns is one thing. This *gestures at silent Ng* is something else. Chuck : No. No different. the difference is only in your mind. Rob : Ok, I'll make them chuckle. Chuck :No. Laugh or Laugh not, there is no chuckle. Rob *concentrates but cannot think of a punchline* : It's no good. It's too big. Chuck : Size has no meaning. Judge me by my size do you? Rob * glances at Chuck towering over him* : errr, No? Chuck : And well you shouldn't. For my ally is the Joke. And a powerful ally it is. Intelligence created it and makes it grow. It's laughter surrounds us and binds us. Humourous beings are we, not this serious matter. Feel it you must. Feel the flow of Laughter. Feel the Joke around you. Here, between you and I, between the FUQ and my posts, yes even between you and the NG. Chuck then writes a FUQ worthy post making both sides of the debate Roll on the floor laughing their arses off. Rob : I don't believe it. Chuck : That is why you fail.

Quote #801 -- Colin Witz

Well Dalton's comment's about the nature of Vs. Groups has caused me to wonder, What if we took the members of this group and sent us back 10 million years ago, Mammoths, Very big fish, Sabertooths, Early Humans, Neanderthals etc. Who is leveling the playing field by introducing such temporal anomalies as (The Ballista, Beer, Blackpowder (Sheppard!), and Mechanical traps.) Whose hunting with Period weapons, made with better craftsmanship, and slightly improved designs (Eye's Thelea and her collection of flake cut arrows next to her English Long Bow.) Whose still debating: (Now we can clearly see the Acclamator performing a Base Delta Zero in this cave drawing) and finally whose gotten stuck after playing in the tar pits.

Quote #802 -- Pablo

"Alexander Moon" <moonman_559@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:Xns922F8573B2DA9moonman559yahoocom@130.133.1.4... > Dalton <rob@daltonator.net> wrote in > news:3D0BC9DB.52DF0F18@daltonator.net: > > > Spyder wrote: > >> > >> ..and then Dalton <rob@daltonator.net> said: > >> > >> > Pablo wrote: > >> >> > >> >> For those of you who don't frequent Somethingawful.com, I thought > >> >> I'd bring the best thing ever to your attention. www.station.com, > >> >> Sony's offical website, has an internet dating game. It requires > >> >> registration, but its free and I've had fun with it. Roleplaying is > >> >> fun. > >> >> > >> >> If you play it, look out for a fellow named YakuzaBob. He speaks > >> >> pidgin English and wants to know if you are cop, because he kill > >> >> nobody. > >> > > >> > Dude, I have never laughed out loud so hard. > >> > >> You should sign up. It is so FUN! > > > > Yeah, maybe :) > > > > The ASVS Dating Game! > > Ummm, wait... Raven: "Bachelor Number 1, what would you do if a guy insulted my honor?" Kynes: "He was probably me." Raven: "Okaaay. Bachelor Number 2, let's say that I took you home to meet my parents, but they didn't seem to like you. What would you say or do to change that?" Sheppard: "Show them my gun collection and say vague, threatening things." Raven: "Bachelor number 3, let's say that you're a newspaper columnist, and I'm 'Lustful in Laredo.' What advice do you have for me?" Dalton: "Pastrami goes good with rye." Raven: "Screw you guys, I'll go for the one wearing the leash." Spickard: "Hey, baby." HOST: Next up, Natasha Bell! Dalton: Fuck it. /leaves

Quote #818 -- Cmdrwilkens

C.S.Strowbridge wrote: > I picked Amidala cause she's a politician and diplomat and always has to > act proper. All those impulses she can't act on must build up, so get > her in bed and they all explode. > Maybe that's how she dies. *INT BACK SEAT, ANAKIN'S SPEEDER* PADME has a look of concentration on her face that changes amongst various shades of pain pleasure and absolute breathlesness. PADME: Ohhhh, yeah ani do it like that ooohhhgggghhh ANAKIN: Do you like my lightsabre of love baby PADME: Give it to me, oh yeah give to me oohhh ahhh ANAKIN: Feel my force bitch PADME: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Gooooooooodddddddd PADME suddenly collapse into a twitching orgasmic pile, her every sense blown out by her first orgasm ever. As her twitching grows explosive she litterally combusts as her hips light on fire and the flames spread. ANAKIN: Damn I'm good. *pause* I s'pose I should take those eggs to the fertility clinic just in case. *FADE OUT*

Quote #819 -- Colin Brian Witz

You've annoyed a whole news group for your own gratification. You deserve a Wankerstein. Wankerstein, the big foamy headed beer for Trolls. Made from Pure Fermented Urea. If you've made it into the IFTAI this is the Beer for you. Wankerstein, Because as a Troll you DESERVE one. *Zips up* WHAT the AA is back, damn that's four more barrels by Tuesday.

Quote #820 -- Durandal

The voice in my head named Dalton told me: >> ......And that's why I stopped watching Trek regularly after TNG. I >> am glad I missed that. > > Yeah, you missed Dax's lesbian kiss too. One of the last episodes of DS9 began with I think Bashir and Ezri Dax in bed. They roll over. If you're paying attention, you can catch Ezri's nipple. Now, if you'll excuse me, my dignity just ran off. I'm going to go look for it.

Quote #821 -- Celes Knight

> Plenty of people will disagree, it still isn't that easy to make US > Currency, the imprinted strip being only the first of many problems. My color laser printer paid for itself with the very first use! But damn did those liqueur store owners whine about how "Hunderd" was spelled. And they said that there really isn't a $500 dollar bill with Al Gore's picture. No room for creativity at all I say.

Quote #822 -- Colin Brian Witz

"Stuart Mackey" <jutland@ihug.co.nz> wrote in message news:afbtud$d4id3$1@ID-75806.news.dfncis.de... > > "Colin'The Yosemite Bear'Witz" <ybear@inreach.com> wrote in message > news:oBeS8.1630$c9.292396084@news.inreach.com... > > > > "Stuart Mackey" <jutland@ihug.co.nz> wrote in message > > news:afbnas$cofh5$1@ID-75806.news.dfncis.de... > > > > > > "Pablo" <pablo_sanchez2000@hotmail.com> wrote in message > > > news:afalvl$d2tnj$1@ID-35195.news.dfncis.de... > > > > I noticed something on the main page of Kennedy's sight. The DITL has > > > > gotten almost a million hits since 1998. I'm sure everyone will agree > > > > that the site is garbage. But what percentage of the visitors do you > > > > think swallow everything on that site? > > > > > > > > > > It is a shrine to trekkie trolldom. > > > > > > > > > > Do you think it's the final resting for the lost ark of the NRWD? > > Could be, And I can just see the likes of 80 Knight trying to find it. > > 80 Jones: Facts why did it have to be facts. 80 Jones: Warsies, I hate these guys

Quote #823 -- Pablo Sanchez

""Barking Mad" MKSheppard" <rrc3813@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:3d222eb7.26809526@news.md.comcast.giganews.com... > On Wed, 26 Jun 2002 21:09:27 GMT, "Celes Knight" > <My_First_and_Last_Name@rconnectSP.AMcom.SPAM> wrote: > > >Personally, I find this silly and way out of touch with the American > >pubic. > > OOH OOH > > THREAD HIIJACKING UNDERWAY! Well, it's too bad that thread pilots aren't allow to carry pistols. Otherwise they would have stopped you.

Quote #824 -- Pablo Sanchez

"Celes Knight" <My_First_and_Last_Name@rconnectSP.AMcom.SPAM> wrote in message news:7_qS8.5025$Ca2.376703@bin2.nnrp.aus1.giganews.com... [quote] > >Seperation of Church and State rides again. > > You say that as though it was really in the Constitution. Okay, what does that clause in the constitution mean, then? Tell me exactly how saying that the United States is "under God," is not the establishment of religion? I'd bet your opinion would be different if it was "One nation, under Allah," or "one nation opposing the Thetans"!

Quote #825 -- Paradox

Somewhere someone mentioned that California would be the airhead blonde cheerleader, I can like, so agree with that! Lets see about the other states.... Oregon and Washington: So rainy, so dark, I'm going to wear a trenchcoat and write crappy poetry about how rainy, and dark it is, I'm So gothic I'm DEAD. Colorado: Hangs out with Oregon and Washington, Almost done with his hit list, after that, he will make them pay, he will make them all pay.... Idaho, Iowa, Nebraska, Wyoming, North and South Dakota: Members of the 4H club and the FFA. New York, New Jersey: those punk guys that would steal your lunch money if they weren't busy knocking off the school cafeteria. Utah: That scary uber religious girl who scares everyone by quoting the bible and telling them they are going to hell. Louisiana: That crazy drunken French exchange student, who isn't from France. Eats alot of wierd food, smells funny, so even New York doesn't beat him up. Minnesota, Illinois: Yeah! Football! football is my life! I like Monday because Its FOOTBALL TIME WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!! Texas: I left my cup at California's house, and my best buddy Oklahoma is fucking her friend Florida, Go Patriots! Hurah! Wisconsin: The girl who always smells like cheese, generally snickered at behind her back. Michigan, Indiana: Yeah! cars are the best! you should see my Hemi and my 79 V8 Camero! Mullet rules! Rock on! Montana: Member of ROTC "Yeah man! the USA should just Nuke the world man! we have all these missile silos and no one to kill! ARRGG KILL KILL KILL!!!" Nevada: Caught gambling at lunch 7 times this year already, The Principal is just pissed because he gambled away his car to the kid. Washington D.C.: The principal, corrupt and probably nailing his secretary, Maryland. Hawaii: That hot chick who goes through boyfriends like crazy, very high maintainance, Everyone thinks she is chinese or mexican or something... Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas: They are all cousins, have a tight relationship since they all grew up in the same trailor park. Kentucky: that fat kid whos aways eating greasy chicken, looks like mashed patatos and gravy. North and South Carolina: Those twins that seem to hate each other for some reason. Virginia and West Virginia, Those twins that seem to have a strange attraction to each other, rumored to have gotten drunk at a party and started making out together. Pennsylvania: The political kid, he's on the Debate team, Amnesty International, and Greenpeace, can't figure out why politicians are corrupt these days. New Mexico: Always ditching class, no one knows where he is, even the teacher forgot that he exists. Kansas, Alaska, Arizona, Delaware, Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Missouri, Ohio????

Quote #826 -- Dalton

Paradox wrote: Hahahah! [snip] > New York, New Jersey: those punk guys that would steal your lunch money if > they weren't busy knocking off the school cafeteria. Fuck this, we do the work, Jersey just hides behind us and starts kicking the guy after we knock him down. New Jersey, the Me Too to our Big Dog. The Armpit of America. [snip] > Kansas, The big, dumb fat smelly kid that picks his nose and has a drawl. > Alaska, Huge motherfucking fat guy who's always wearing flannel and long pants. > Arizona, Skinny little dry kid with chapped lips, burnt skin and a grudge against Alaska. > Delaware, The little shit state that Maryland comes home to, claiming that "nothing happened". > Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, You forgot Rhode Island, Massachusetts and Connecticut. These three and the above three make up the pack of nerds that band together to protect each other from New York. > Missouri, The kid that sits smack dab in the middle of the class and does nothing. At. All. > Ohio???? Hangs around with the 4H states but can't seem to shake that core of drunken baseball/football fans.

Quote #827 -- Pablo Sanchez

Cmdrwilkens wrote: > The thing is with the number of new ignorant trekkies and others created > every year with re-runs of TNG on TNN it can never be old news. "Duh, hey Paw! I thinks they done rescheduled He-Haw. Now they gots a picture-show about some faggots in a space ship. Star Trek, they calls it." "Waitaminute, Junior! What if the Star Trek faggots were to fight with them Star Wars faggots? Who'd win?" "I dunno daddy, but we best fire up 'Merica Online and see what's what!"

Quote #829 -- His Divine Shadow

"The Baron" <swineherd@7dof.org> wrote in message news:3d20edb2.36508983@news.freeserve.co.uk... > On Mon, 01 Jul 2002 20:59:25 GMT, "His Divine Shadow" > <dennis.aspo@pp.inet.fi> wrote: > > >Silence will be taken as you agree with me and that you think I am > >god. > > > > > Silence means I've read way too many threads about turbolasers and > prefer reading about strawberries and vectorscopes and whatnot. Strawberries are pefectly possible to convert to plasma through heating, why do you think rebel bolts are red? They can't afford to get Tibanna gas so they raid imperial planetary strawberry farms. Wich in turn really pissed of the emperor when his concubines didn't have any strawberries for the whipped cream, hence the Deathstars were built.

Quote #832 -- Doomriser

"Kamakazie Sith" <James@NOSPAMccutah.com> wrote in message news:6mdV8.246174$R61.92014@rwcrnsc52.ops.asp.att.net... > "Dalton" <rob@daltonator.net> wrote in message > news:3D2501D5.C3672D2@daltonator.net... > > Kamakazie Sith wrote: > > > > > > ::Sniff:: I remember my first form flame.......hold me Dalton. > > > > Uhh...no. > > > > Oh come on! I'm all emotional here and your not giving me the support I > require....... Have you tried WonderBra?

Quote #834 -- Jonathan Boyd!

Dalton wrote: > Yuo=loose I'm loose? On the loose? Loose as in loose women? I have a loose tongue and like to gossip? Or did you mean moose? Do you frequently picture me an antlers? Or maybe it was supposed to be goose. But isn't a male goose a gander? Goosey goosey gander, where shall you wander? Upstairs, downstairs, in my lady's chamber.

Quote #839 -- Jonathan Boyd

Paradox wrote: >>> Too bad its not a New Zealand "Battlecruiser" instead, then they >>> would just have to bring in an oar or really stick to push the dingy >>> off the rock. >> >> or a 1200 ton Korean "Battleship" > > pffft, old people in america drive cars heavier then that. :D I think you'll find most of the weight is the American, not the car :^)

Quote #840 -- WeeMadAndo

Court transcipts: "Yuo = morons" "Concession Accepted" "I didn't concede!" "You resorted to insults, I take that as a concession of the point." "Fuck you!" "No. FUCK YUO!" "Donkey-fucker!" . . . "You partook in flight training with the intention to crash a plane into a target." "Pah, inadmissable." "What?" "Its not from a canon or official source is it?" "What are you talking about?" "Hearsay, concession accepted. *plonk*" "Your honour please direct the witness to answer the questions." "Mr Moussaui (?) answer the question." "Under the NRWD, I am not required to conform to your pathetic FAQ and R&R." "Huh?" "Your list of demands." "The constitution?" "Yes, if that is what you want to call it." *prosecutor appears to have a nervous breakdown, assistant DA steps forward* "No further questions at this time." "Concession accepted pig-fucker." "Re-direct your honour?" "Go ahead..."

Quote #841 -- Celes Knight

LT.Hit-Man wrote: > Hehehe sure no porblem > *walks into the jruy room where there deciding Celes's fate* > five minutes later > " Case dismissed due to hung jury. ' I can just hear the defense council at my second trial getting up and saying, "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client should have been found innocent by the previous jury... They made a decision, but no one will ever know what it was. That decision came just moments before they all committed suicide and or had unfortunate accidents. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it was just a terrible coincidence that one of those jurors, for example, accidentally tripped and on the way down managed to tie himself up, beat himself with what appears to be electrical cord and radiator hoses, castrated himself, shot off his own fingers joint by joint, and disemboweled himself. Such a terrible accident. All twelve were closed casket funerals. They never did find the head of four of the people. Three of the people were only identifiable by DNA. As for the judge... well, not even DNA can identify someone who was accidentally microwaved for that long. My client feels their pain, and would like to greave for them in peace. By the way, there is a small mob of heavily armed ASVS people outside, and they have my wife and kids with them. They will find your family soon. Please make the right decision."

Quote #842 -- C.S.Strowbridge

Lord Sander wrote: > And the temptation really was too big for Braga to ignore.. sigh.. > http://www.trektoday.com/news/160702_05.shtml "We've been very careful," Braga said. "The continuity is airtight. Believe me. We know. We know." Biggest pile of shit I've ever heard.

Quote #843 -- His Divine Shadow

An excerpt from "Portal": > "The turbo laser batteries and ion cannon..." the tactical officer > said in something approaching awe, "they're... gone. All of them." Now that is just so... wrong, I mean awe? ST? In the same sentence? Please, those stupid ST ships are the most gay thing I have ever seen, phasers look like streams of piss and photons like some glowing insects, TNG men are castrated brainwashed eunucks, if anything it inwokes pity. There is nothing awe inspiring about ST, it's like saying the carebears are awe inspiring.

Quote #844 -- Pablo Sanchez

On Thu, 8 Aug 2002 18:37:08 +0000 (UTC), "Willie Forsyth" <Willieforsyth1@btopenworld.com> wrote: >"Pablo Sanchez" <pablo_sanchez2000@hotmail.com> wrote in message >news:3d51e67d.35827444@news.cis.dfn.de... >> On Wed, 7 Aug 2002 20:35:27 +0000 (UTC), "Willie Forsyth" >> <Willieforsyth1@btopenworld.com> wrote: >> >> >I would like to announce to the NG that my wife has given birth to our >> >fourth child. >> > >> >May god have mercy on my soul >> >> I really don't know what to say here. I mean, odds are that you're >> lying. Who goes into a group full of people who hate him and >> announces that he's had another kid? Really... > >Some one who is so happy and trying to spread some joy. Well, congratulations, W. Forsythe. You've succeeded once again in immortalizing your genetic information in the form of a child. In a million years, when humankind has been enslaved by the interstellar master race of superintelligent ants, your descendents will still be around, laboring forever in the underground sugar mines.

Quote #845 -- LT.Hit-Man

WeeMadAndo wrote in message ... >> Hatred leads to the Dark Side... > >And? The Dark Side leads to me.

Quote #846 -- Pablo Sanchez

On Mon, 12 Aug 2002 21:25:40 -0400, Dalton <rob@daltonator.net> wrote: [snip] >But when you go for satire...duck and cover... Teacher: "Yes, children, the desks will protect you from the atomic rays emitted by Chuck's scathing wit. Just duck and cover, and all will be well." Jimmy: "Teacher, what about the people that don't have desks to hide behind?" Teacher: "Their skin will melt and run off of their bodies like water, exposing their intestines and muscles to the cold touch of pityless mother nature. The living will envy the dead." Jimmy: "What about my mommy and daddy, teacher?" Teacher: "Does either of them work in a school, or possibly a desk factory?" Jimmy: "No." Teacher: "Well, then they'll get a hearty helping of skin melting and slow death from exposure. I thought I was clear on that." ..... This has been a presentation of the US Department of Defense Educational Film #1102: Chuck's Satire... and YOU!

Quote #860 -- Pablo Sanchez

On Wed, 28 Aug 2002 18:12:02 GMT, bdiller@ipass.net (Cyborg Stan of CyKoLaJx, Inc.) wrote: >On Wed, 28 Aug 2002 00:10:37 GMT, rrc3813@yahoo.com (MKSheppard) got >caught while selling his only friends for delicious, delicious cake. >While being carted away by the police he uttered these prophetic words >: > >>http://home.att.net/~tomjlee/startrek/index.html >> >>Nuff said....... >> >>Especially this >> >>http://home.att.net/~tomjlee/startrek/tech-b.html#enl >> >>KILL KRUSH DESTROY MAIM ! > >Fun fact : it now takes 50,000 times the estimated age of the universe >for the Death Star to charge up for a minimal planet-killing blast. >Even longer for the blast we saw in ANH. Emperor: You may fire at will, Commander. Jerjerrod: Give us a moment. Emperor: What do you mean, "a moment"? Jerjerrod: Uh... Seven Trillion years.

Quote #861 -- Pablo Sanchez

There isn't a Santa? My life reels from one tragedy to another. First they cast Freddie "Prince of Shitty-Acting Land" Prinze Jr. as Fred, and now you've eradicated Father Christmas.

Quote #862 -- Pablo Sanchez

Did you know that, depending on the power of the explosive used, red-hot debris can end up as far away as 200 yards from the car in question? And let me tell you, a flaming engine block from a Mazda Miata can do a pretty bit of damage to a police station.

Quote #865 -- Björn Paulsen

> OUCH! Truth hurts... It does, doesn't it? Kinda like being anally raped with a red hot lamp-post, I should think. Bloody unpleasant, that.

Quote #874 -- Tyralak

DMZ <dmz@NOSPAMadjective-army.com> wrote in news:928021ACC17D0C8H10N4O2@null: > "Cmdrwilkens" wrote in > news:al674r$1nnuo3$1@ID-97732.news.dfncis.de: >> Whine and complain a little bit more and I might have to call you a >> crack smoking donkey fucker again. > > What? And miss the perfect opportunity to preemptively call you an > assclown and penis monkey? > Or a pus infested cum bubble?

Quote #875 -- Lord Edam de Fromage

In article <al7utf$1ndogm$1@ID-21694.news.dfncis.de>, weemadando@sluggy.net says... > Working at a new internet cafe. Not that busy at the moment. So I get paid > to sit around surfing the net and drinking (free) coffee etc. Occasionally > I might be required to serve a coffee for someone or fix a computer, but > otherwise... > > My thoughts on this job: "I'm getting paid to do this?" Wait until you get your local telco in to add a new connection, then just after they leave all your computers start dropping, one at a time, with different problems so you can't track down what's wrong.. And your customers are all shouting at you, because they can't surf the net, and the coffee's cold, and the cream's gone off, and the biscuits are stale. And the phones are ringing. all three of them. Constantly. But by the time you get to answer them the other person is just hanging up. And everytime you turn round you see your golf clubs, leaning in the corner. watching you. Mocking. Telling you it will all be OK, if you just listen to what they're telling you. Until you can't take it any more. You have to do what they want. you take out the nine iron, turn to the nearest computer where some little shit schoolkid who's only there because his single mother won't let him in the house has just spilt coffee on the keyboard, and smash his brains out. You'll stand there, watching the pink goo dribble down the monitor, turning to the other customers cowering in the doorway. and you won't be thinking "I'm getting paid to do this" then. Oh, no. That will be the last thing on your mind. all you'll be able to think about is the next moaning fucker, and how the driver been begging you to give it one good, hard swing for weeks now.

Quote #869 -- Björn Paulsen

Durandal <durandal64@attbi.com> wrote in message news:<20020820203301195-0500@id-sorresso.user.dfncis.de>... > The voice in my head named His Divine Shadow told me: > > You forgot "Little Nicky" > > I'd love to see your take on that one :D > > Adam Sandler's fantasies about being a Hell beast? I didn't even see it. > I was sick of him to the point of nausea by then. I remember that one. Ooh, how I remember. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. And then I entered the cinema, and the "best of times" part evaporated like one of Sandler's so-called witticisms. I had decided to go see a movie and liven myself up, as I felt like a pile of shit. When I finally emerged from the fetid bowels of that place, after two hours of mental gang-bang ending with the cinematic equivalent of a cumshot up the nose, I still felt like a pile of shit, only this time a pile of shit with suicidal urges. Oh, and you forgot The Wedding Singer, where Sandler enacts the part of a lame and unfunny hack with a profound lack of musical talent. Must have been a strange feeling for him indeed.

Quote #870 -- Paradox

"LT.Hit-Man" <Doomed@microsith.com> wrote in message news:ajglfc$1agt1h$1@ID-36441.news.dfncis.de... > I'm sure that there armor would keep them warm for some time and as for > sharks I'm sure that after they blast one or two of them and swim away while > the other sharks are feeding on the blasted sharks. > I am also fairly sure that the shuttle would have all sorts of goodies to > help anyone who lived though the shuttle crash maybe a life raft of > something like it. > So they make land fall and after getting there bairings they scout out the > land, hunting and traping small game for food and once they find any kind of > tell-tail signs of civilization trie tracks, empty beer cans and what not > the work there way towards the edge of say a town, scout it out in the dead > of night and go on from there. *stormtrooper picks up beer can* "Look sir, drunks!"

Quote #871 -- Dalton

Supreme Commander Tyralak wrote: > > Um...if it's watts per second, that would mean joules per second per > > second, which to me seems to imply growth... > > > Facinating. What do you make of the quote, then? The writers are fucking stupid?

Quote #876 -- Celes Knight

Recently, I've been reading through old posts on google. I found this one so hilarious that I wanted to repost it (yes, I know it's pretty vain of me to repost one of my own posts just because I thought it was funny). What was even more fun was the Paul Jacquer H. Jr actually responded and played along. http://groups.google.com/groups?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&frame=right&th=24f85c02d4 dc6df&seekm=915520891.845414%40newdm.deskmedia.com ===============Begin Quote====================== I decide to re-post this from another thread. I've made some minor corrections and additions to it, but first, here's a quote from one of Paul's messages: SW supporter: "Paul, do you enjoy being a hypocrite, or is it just in your nature?" Paul: "I enjoy annoying you! Proving time and time again that the Federation would be a pain in the ass to the Empire. You must admit it works well." I think that this proves that Paul does know that most of his arguments are totally illogical. Here is my version of an argument that uses Paul-style logic and calculations: ------------------------------------------------------------ I recall Han's words now. "Good shot kid, that was one in a million." Paul thinks that every quote, no matter how vague, unspecified, or unverified, must be treated a 100% truth. And that even if what we see contradicts any calculations, the calculations are correct. Forgive me, but I'm going to use Paul's so called 'logic' for a moment. Luke (even though he was a Jedi) only had a 1 in exactly 1 million shot of destroying the DS. We can assume a Jedi is at least 10,000 times more likely to do that than anyone else. We can also assume that only 1 in 10 million people are Jedi. (Note how I didn't actually prove any of these assumptions, much like Paul wouldn't. However, if I was ambitious like Paul, I could make wild assumptions from other self-contradicting resources until I got these. Or else I could just complain about how it's been proven time and time again, and you just didn't see any of my messages.) Finally, let's assume the odds of anyone getting through to the trench are 1 in 15. (Two people got through out of 30 ships). Finally we know the Rebels send 30 ships. Therefore, by Paul's logic, the change of the DS being destroyed was only 1 in _exactly_ 5,000,000,000,000,000. Therefor , despite what we saw on the screen, we can safely assume that Luke failed and the DS was not destroyed. Therefor the Rebellion was crushed and the Empire never fell. Also, if an attack like the rebels was done once per day, we can safely assume that there is only a 0.000012% chance of the DS being destroyed in the entire age of the Universe from the Big Bang to the end of time (I'm guessing that would be about 60 billion years. Even if that isn't the right length of time, I could go on a tirade about how SW doesn't obey the laws of physics, therefor the length of the Universe would be 60 billion years. This is more Timeout's logic than Paul's, but you get the general idea.) Also, the Empire built a total of 5 DSs (if you include the ones in the comics and books). Therefor there is practically no change that all of them would be destroyed. Therefore we can assume the Federation could not destroy them. Therefore the Empire would win. Hmm, this is so fun, I'm going to continue. It was stated that the Falcon could be halfway across the galaxy in about 1 second. Even though this was stated in the heat of the moment, by someone who wasn't intending to be accurate, it is still a quote and must therefore be treated as being 100% correct. That's about 60000 lys a second or 1,893,456,000,000 times the speed of light. We can assume the DS can do roughly that as well, so I'll round to 2,000,000,000,000. Now the Federation consists of 150 worlds (from FC). Since it only takes a week to get from Earth to the _very_ distant Bajor (from The Search, Part 1), and even top warp speed is only 3000c, we can assume that the distance is well under 60 lys. Therefor let's assume the distance between every Federation world is about 50 lys (note how generous I am on this, surly most of them are quite a bit closer.) Therefor to blow up every Federation world, the DS would have to travel a total of 7500 lys. It could do this in about .125 seconds. So it would only take all 5 DSs .025 seconds to blow up every world in the Federation. Damn, Paul's logic is so fun! No wonder he (admittedly) refuses to use re-world logic.

Quote #879 -- SirNitram (from SD.net)

DS flies along gently... A small bump. Jerjerrod: Helmsman, what was that? Helmsman: A cubical starship three kilometers on each side drifted in front of us and stood still, sir. It tried to transmit something before it impacted harmlessly on our shields. Jerjerrod: Really? How strange. Helmsman: No, sir. What's strange is the tiny speck ahead of us transmitting 'Ding dong the witch is dead'.

Quote #880 -- SirNitram

Iceberg wrote: >That there IS in fact a God, for He has had mercy on my heathen soul. > >I successfully persuaded one of my professors to raise my grade (he >said he should have graded me at the higher grade point *anyway*), >thus raising my GPA above the acceptable passing level and allowing me >to stay in school, despite the best efforts of others to kick me out. > >BOOYAKA! > Test 375365.2 Successful: Deific intervention creates better grades. Test subject: Ice. Test deity: Athena, Goddess Of Wisdom(Currently working for Morgan Stanley Dean Witter)

Quote #881 -- Michael Wong

I liked those guys. Take Zeus for example: he would see a beautiful woman from his perch high on Mount Olympus, and his first instinct was to sneak down there and fuck her brains out. Now that's a guy whose motivations we can understand, not like this 'I'll make them, give them free will, and then torture them forever if they don't worship me' nonsense.

Quote #885 -- Pablo Sanchez

On Wed, 11 Sep 2002 05:24:57 GMT, "C.S.Strowbridge" <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote: >I know what you're thinking, 'Didn't you say you already spent your >entertainment budget?' Yes I did. So I dipped in my food budget for the >month. I think it was money well spent. > >I think my Birthday DVD shopping spree is finally over. > >6 DVDs and $112 later. Is that Canadian dollars, or real money?

Quote #889 -- Darth Wong (SD.net)

Interestingly enough, out of the half-dozen fundies who have said "nuclear" in my presence, all of them used the incorrect pronounciation "nu-cu-lar". Mind you, I was too busy telling them how stupid their beliefs were to bother chastising them for their mispronounciation. PS. Don't call it a dialect. Dialects belong to cultural groups, and "stupid" is not a valid cultural group.

Quote #890 -- His Divine Shadow

What about the four hatfuckers of the apocalypse? Gothmog, the one who speaks at great lenght that wich could be said in few words. PsykoSama, the one who wish he could speak at great lenght, yet manages only an unholy tirade of flaming when he layeth his eyes upon logic and common sense. E1701, the self appointed expert who speaks of things he doust not knoweth about, also a marksman of the highest degree, or so he hath claimed. DarkStar, the bringer of the end, the Lord of stupidity, he who shall bringeth the unbelievers to the ground as their cerebral processes are destoyed in waves of unholy ignorace.

Quote #897 -- Spyda fantasizes

..and then "JJ" <tyger1@flash.net> said: > ..at least, that's what it was called last time I saw one. What I'm talking > about is a group project, where one individual writes an opening. Either > Introduction or 1st Chapter of a story, then it's followed up with > candidates from others. The best of those are selected (by vote or > 'referee') to be the next segment, and so on. > > Alright, the question is, has anyone ever done one here? They usually end with "...and then when picard found himself donning his fur fox suit, ready for another BDSM session, he suddenly found himeself being visciously and deliberately sodomised by a gathering of crack smoking donkeys."

Quote #900 -- Kamikaze Sith (from SD.net)

Context: the thread is a poll on what non-Pro-SW denizens thought of DarkStar. One option was "The Last Bastion of Trek" and got three votes. One is accounted for. The other two are not... >Originally posted by Grand Admiral Thrawn: >>Originally posted by Kamakazie Sith: >>Yeah I should have looked, it just took me by surprise. LOL > >But there's THREE votes! Who are the other two? Indeed, who are the other two? Quickly, we must seek them out and destroy them. To the "Rational Thought Mobile" Grand Admiral Thrawn Man!

Quote #901 -- Durandal (from SD.net)

Isn't research wonderful? I stand by my argument that teaching intelligent design in school is tantamount to informing students that science considers "Because the Invisible Man said so" a valid conclusion for the mechanisms behind a process. It's horse shit. We've already identified natural selection as the mechanism behind evolution. Intelligent design is to creationism what Windows 3.1 was to DOS: the same thing in a clown suit.

Quote #992 -- Wayne Poe

"HemlockGrey" <black__paint@hotmail.com> wrote > K/S? What? When was that even implied anywhere in the series? You're talking about people who are sexually excited at the crack of dawn. =rimshot=

Quote #909 -- Greg Burnett

"C.S.Strowbridge" <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote in message news:3D9BC3B4.50404@shaw.ca... > Not a good NG to start something like that. This is also not a good NG > to ask for advice about women. Or to look for sympathies for problems in > your day to day life. Or to do anything that requires and ounce of human > decency. > > On the other hand, this is an excellent NG to call someone and their > mother smoking donkey fuckers without fear or immediate physical > retaliation. > > That's why I come here. > INFIDEL. It's "crack smoking donkey fuckers." By removing the crack you have offended many mighty small gods and they shall suck on your ego like they are cheap porno stars until it is deflated.

Quote #910 -- Durandal

The voice in my head named erincss told me: > Would a lightsabre blade cut through a sword of > gravitationally-field-stabilized neutronium metal? If it is light or > plasma, it would not, correct? Please explain how one would wield a sword that has the equivalent mass of the Earth.

Quote #911 -- Wayne Poe

On Wed, 7 Jun 2000, Dalton wrote: > Wayne Poe wrote: > > > When you leave the total IQ of the Trek side will go up. > > > > Please don't leave yet, IXJac. I feel the need to completely destroy all > > of your arguments, all of a sudden. > > Now, Wayne...what did we tell you about internet homicide? Uhh..."clean up the body yourself?"

Quote #914 -- The Baron

On Sun, 13 Oct 2002 22:24:49 GMT, "C.S.Strowbridge" <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote: >The Baron wrote: >> "C.S.Strowbridge" wrote: >> >>>Oh I get it. ... Nope, still not funny. >> >> I did your fat mum with my 60 foot penis and she still felt loose. > >The weasel joke was much funnier. > That's understandable, it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. The funniest thing was Shit, I can't remember, I typed that then went off to get more beer and now I can't remember, so I'll just leave it up there and open... kinda like your mother.

Quote #915 -- Pablo Sanchez

On Wed, 16 Oct 2002 13:18:17 -0500, Iceberg the Dancing Black Mage <iceberg@crius.net> wrote: >On 16 Oct 2002 18:04:31 GMT, Phong Nguyen <phong.nguyen@deadspam.com> >wrote: > >>Iceberg the Dancing Black Mage <iceberg@crius.net> wrote in >>news:s89rqugka5m03ggj3vgvv9posrm7sbnsps@4ax.com: >> >>> Some see stupid people and ask, "Why?" >>> >>> I see that stupid people are not dead yet and ask, "Why not?" >>> >>Lt. HIT-MAN has many targets and limited time. So do the Papal Ninjas. >> >>Patience, Ice. > >This latest round from DarkStar is the stupidest yet. I couldn't even >read more than about 100 lines, for fear that its vacuousness would >pull the intelligence out of my skull via osmosis. > >That and the fact that it's crashingly BORING... Sportscenter mode: Iceberg-- This is undoubtedly one of the most boring debates yet featured on Stardestroyer.nets wall of flaming shaming. With an analysis is color commentator Pablo Sanchez. Pablo-- The main problem is that Darkstar's pre-game tactics were focussed on tying Mikey's main crowd-pleasers and troll-teasers behind his back! Of course, I'm speaking of his deadly Fists of Flame, his hilariously offensive piledriving flames and backhanded comments. Wong is a debator who always has a slam ready, and that's one of the reasons he's the undefeated champ, and the Wars Crowd favorite. Oh, and BOOYA! I been searching for a catch-phrase of gold, and this gig... is getting old. Back to you, frosty. Iceberg-- What? Pablo-- Neil Young, man. Heart of Gold. Ice: I know. Still not funny. [commercial break]

Quote #916 -- The Baron

On Mon, 21 Oct 2002 09:44:45 -0500, "DarkStar" <afinalunity@hotmail.com> wrote: >"C.S.Strowbridge" <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote in message >news:3DB2637A.6060200@shaw.ca... >> DarkStar wrote: >> > "Chuck, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01" wrote: >> >>Oh blow me you self-deluded little shit. >> > >> > Concession accepted. Bitch. >> >> Do you really think your snipping is fooling anyone? > >I consider it a kindness to snip the irrelevancies, examples of ignorance, >stupid comments, and lies that Warsies are so good at. It is thus noted that Darkstar considers well reasoned advice to be 'irrelevant, ignorant and stupid', and 'Blow me you self-deluded little shit' to be relevant, well reasoned and intelligent.

Quote #917 -- WeeMadAndo

"The Baron" <swineherd@swineherd.co.uk> wrote in message news:3dbb4d6a.32564466@news.freeserve.co.uk... > On 26 Oct 2002 16:54:34 -0700, Shadowarbiter@cs.com wrote: > > >the first enterprise-d model was made by Lucasfilm. I just read over > >the TNG tech manual and caught that for the first time. It's on page > >8. Another fact is that early model photography for the E-D was also > >done there, and became basic TNG stock footage. This semi-coherent > >message will now terminate. > > IIRC the ILM model of the Ent-D was too big, and they had to have it > rebuilt by a different company. Damn small minded trekkies, I mean whats wrong with a mile long dagger shapped Ent-D? Really?

Quote #918 -- Pablo Sanchez

Republicans have always hated the public education system, as well as Social Security. But during the last 20 years, they realized that if you went after either program directly the voting public would strongly disapprove. Here's basically what they were trying to do. GOP: Public schools are unconstitutional and bad. We need to severely curtail their funding. Public: My kids go to public schools. If you destroy the educational system, what will I do then? GOP: Uh... Dems: Hah, time to sit back down, Babar. GOP: *grumbles* (Dems can be smarmy, they've set themselves up as the party of the downtrodden children and minorities and therefor secured a large voting bloc) GOP: Social Security is unconstitutional and bad. We shouldn't take money from taxpayers just so the elderly have guaranteed income. ... Wait, did I really just say that, or is this a terrible nightmare?" Dems: Yeah. What were you thinking, man? Elderly American Public: I'm a major voting bloc, and you fascists are my new bitch. Now bend over. Since then they've learned that some social programs cannot be frontally assaulted. Hence the attempts to "privatize" social security and institute the super-duper voucher program. All part of their plot to accomplish three goals: 1) Erase FDR as America's most successful and respected 20th century president, replacing him with Ronald Reagan (Americans most stupifyingly ignorant, yet sweetly lovable president). 2) Reduce the educational opportunity of all lower-class Americans, thereby creating a new, more easily manupulated slave class. 3) Cause all the elderly to starve to death, allowing their corpses to be run through Soylent Green factories and the end product sold to the "Sub-human" Latin Americans and Africans. If I sound cynical here, it's because it's my natural political defense mechanism. The American political system is full of Fascists, Commies, and bomb-tossing Anarchists.

Quote #919 -- Dalton

Commander Raynor RayCav wrote: > > On Mon, 11 Nov 2002 02:47:19 GMT, "Enigma" <xtreme02@qqqq.qqqq> wrote: > > >Outlook likes me. Outlook likes me. :) > > Nobody likes YOU > > >All hail Microsoft! Hip Hip Hoorah! Hip Hip Hoorah! > > > > Go to hell, Gates lover! Joke---> Air You

Quote #920 -- Spyder

I have compiled a short list of things we can all do to make ASVS a more lurker friendly environment. 1: Instead of Kynes saying 'Fuck you' to Boyd, he can say 'I like fried chicken.' 2: Instead of Boyd doing whatever it is he does when Kynes mocks him he can make a post saying 'I'm a little teapot.' 3: To promote equality among the sexes we'll force Raycav to have a sex change. 4: The phrase 'Crack smoking donkey fucker' will be replaced with the word 'Darkstar'.

Quote #921 -- Pablo Sanchez

On Sat, 16 Nov 2002 03:05:38 GMT, "Phil Skayhan" <phil@skayhan.net> wrote: >"Durandal" <DIESPAMdsorres@ilstu.edu> wrote in message >news:20021115193353251-0600@id-sorresso.user.dfncis.de... >> Ever wonder what happened right after Han, Leia, et al walked into that >> dining room with Vader at the head of the table in The Empire Strikes >> Back? Do you suppose that Vader, Boba Fett and Our Heroes sat down, had >> some lunch, and then Vader decided to start torturing them? >> Just >> curious. > >(Before Chuck gets to it and steals everyone's thunder) [snip] He's already here, but I'll hazard one. [uncomfortable silence through the entire first course] Vader: Sooooo... how did you like the soup? It's cream of bantha. Rebels: [stare at the table] Vader: My mother made some nice cream of bantha, but I have to admit that it wasn't nearly this good. Rebels: [stare at Vader] Vader: Then I got married. Try getting that bitch to cook! [falsetto] "I can't cook any cream of bantha, Anakin! I'm too busy being an influential senator!" Han: Your name is Anakin? Vader: Huh? Yeah, it used to be. But anyway, back to this bitch I married-- Han: I knew a guy named Anakin once, but he was like, half a meter shorter than you and a lot *GACK* Vader: Do not interrupt me again, Captain Solo. Now, where was I? Leia: Talking about your wife always being too busy. Vader: Oh, right. Well, I think I'm done. [releases Han] Leia: Well, my adoptive father was a big-time senator, too. Vader: I know that. He was famous, until I vaporized his planet and purged the public records of his memory. Leia: Well, he still lives on in the spirit of the rebellion. Vader: True, true. Got me there. Ah, have you finished your desert? Leia: Yes. Vader: Right. [stands up] Now... You are part of the Rebel Alliance, and a traitor! Take her away!

Quote #922 -- Tyralak

And the Lord said: "Look! My house has become a cave of Trolls! Let us go down and rid ourselves of this defilement!" So the Lord sent down his angel to strike the Trolls with a great plonk. And the plonking was great. So great that not a Troll was left alive after the angel passed by. 30,000 Trolls in one night, the angel struck down. And God saw that the plonking was good. And God further blessed the land, and called it holy.

Quote #939 -- John Hansen

Sadly, my l33t g33k 4um0R seems to go unnoticed, uncared for. It's a conspiracy, I say, to push us geeks aside. We've got to stand up for our geekiness, our out-of-date clothing and pocket protectors! Down with the 'Net generation! Long live the PDP-11 and TRS-80! Vive la revolucion!

Quote #944 -- Mike Wong (SD.net)

The Yosemite Bear wrote: >What forbidden Space would you be unwilling to travel to in the various Sci-Fi >universes? The space between Janeway's legs.

Quote #945 -- Durandal (SD.net)

I'm guessing that Obi-Wan will notice the gigantic smile on Anakin's face after he returns from Naboo and say something along the lines of, "You got laid last night, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out who you knocked up." The Jedi Order will likely expel him, and Palpatine will start telling him about how they were just afraid of his powers and jealous of the fact that he's used his dick, especially with a hot piece of ass like Padme. You know Windu's been dying to give her a taste of his purple-headed lightsaber. So, Palpatine will take Anakin on as a personal bodyguard or something. Then, Obi-Wan will finally realize that Darth Sidious and Chancellor Palpatine are played by the same actor and try and get at Palpatine, but Anakin won't allow it. For some reason, this will happen over a lava pit. Perhaps in some seedy district of Coruscant.

Quote #951 -- Spyderizer

Stuart Mackey wrote: > C.S.Strowbridge wrote: > > http://www.fotostrip.dk/model1.htm > > See, you can have nudity and have it not be pornographic. So you can > > look at the naked form and not immediately sport a woody. ... Well, I > > can. I can't speak for the rest of you. > > Classy nudie pics do it for me more than mere porn smut To each their own. Some people need their smut. Some prefer the more classier nudes. Others can get off on a pair of circles some Japanese guy drew on the walls.

Quote #956 -- Hemlock Grey (SD.net)

You know, every once in a while, I think that maybe Shep is a real person-then I read a post like that and realize, no, he can only be the product of a hundred thousand twisted scientists laboring deep below Washington D.C. under the instruction of the NRA and Strom Thurmond, and then I realize that our Shep is merely MKSheppard Mk. 1, and soon there will be thousands more and at the critical moment his creators will strike, reanimating the corpse of Robert E. Lee, ressurecting Jefferson Davis, and they willsend the New Confederate Army, consisting entirely of MKSheppard modules 50K through 250K, to bring the North to it's knees, secure Southern independence, and ensure that the Confederate battle flag flies over South Carolina once more! ...sorry

Quote #957 -- Darth Fanboy (SD.net)

Armitage the III will beat the unholy shit out of everyoneon this board shes crazy she'll f**k you up quicker than a swig of everclear followed up by a bongwater enema.

Quote #958 -- Pablo Sanchez (SD.net)

Sheppard: Osama is likely dead, why haven't we seen a videotape of him in months and months? Dalton: Ran out of tape? Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi: Yes. After all, those cost $3.99 each, and there aren't many convienence stores in Tora Bora. Also, bin Laden probably wanted to record "Friends" too, using more tape. Pablo Sanchez: CNN transcript-- Osama bin Laden: Put in number eight. I wish to see the Winona Ryder episode again. Unknown: Again? You just watched it. OBL: I must see it. U: I think it's even in the VCR still. Just hit play. OBL: It's not in there. It isn't working. U: No--Osama, you're hitting the stop button. Hit the one with the triangle. OBL: Oh, there we are. And they are making out. U: Praise allah!

Quote #961 -- Mike Wong (SD.net)

[Thread context: Scooter's continual ranting about Mike Wong] It will go on until Scooter finally kisses a girl for the first time. In other words, it will never end.

Quote #964 -- Pablo Sanchez (SD.net)

Dalton wrote: >3. The other supermods can do work too ;) Don't tell me what to do, Dalton. There are only two people who can give me orders, and expect them to be followed: 1) Darth Wong 2) God. And right now, God is telling me that I don't have to do what you say. (He's also saying that there are hundreds of tiny Nazis living in my thumb, but that's beside the point.)

Quote #965 -- Darth Utsanomiko (SD.net)

[Thread context: Responding to Soontir C'baoth asking if a screen capture of an Imperial getting shot in ANH showed his guts exploding out and on fire] "Captain, my guts are all up in smoke and flamage!!" "Negative, it's just the blaster bolt exploding against your body. Let those sparks fly for the good of your Empire, Ensign!" C'mon, burning guts in a PG movie? What color is the sky on your planet?

Quote #971 -- Pablo Sanchez

[On Dubya and "nu-kew-lar"] Sheppard wrote: >Who gives a shit if the guy speaks with a southern accent? 'Stupid' is not an accent, Shep.

Quote #981 -- Stuart "Jesus Christ" Mackey

"Singular Quartet" <vybo@juno.com> wrote in message news:8239bccf.0301311934.54b6879c@posting.google.com... > Well, you were warned. Just to give you some variety, I'll use the > Japanese method in use for Christians in the late 1500s, early 1600s. > Besides, its quicker. > > *Grabs Jesus, ties him to the cross, instread of nailing.Takes two > spears, and slams them into his sides.* > > *Waits a few minutes* > > *Removes the spears, and then takes him down. Then proceeds to > practice his slashing on an actual person, before leaving the bits for > any wild animals.* And on the seventh day the Lord rose , and all about were amazed "That's a really neat trick!" they cried "Can you show us how its done?" they inquired But the Lord had other deeds in mind that day and fleecing the gullible was not one of them, for that was tomorrows job. And the Lord called down on Singular Quartet the wrath of the world and he was afflicted with bleeding pustules that caused much foul stench and much pain for the Lord had caused him to be immersed in salt water for three days and nights. SQ was then sent to the Turkish prison to widen his circle of friends in the showers there, and for three days and nights SQ was the bitch of 100 men and 100 Donkeys and the prisoners cried "Wow! but he was a good fuck!" and the Donkeys brayed "He Haw!" SQ could not longer walk, such was his pain and as he crawled to what he thought was refuge In a ditch the Lord caused SQ to tied to the ground and small flesh eating snakes were put in his stomach to gnaw his insides, and such is thy Lords power that SQ was quite lucid and awake for this ordeal. SQ was taken to the English, and the Lord caused them to execute SQ in the traditional manner. SQ was first stretched till his limbs were dislocated then he was tied to the bench as the men took a knife and opened his belly and took his intestinal sack out before his very eyes and threw it on the fire, and such is thy Lords power that SQ did not faint. then the men were caused to remove SQs heart, and this they did, and held SQ's beating heart before his very eyes then that too was thrown on the fire and such is thy Lords power that SQ stayed alive still and the Lord spake unto SQ "And the moral of this story is, my son, you fuck with the Lord and thy Lord will fuck you right back" And the Lord caused SQ to be thrown into the pit, to stay alive as his body rotted and when the rot reached his brain he bacame mad and ended his days blind, and in torment. And then did the Lord allow SQ to die.

Quote #973 -- Raoul Duke, Jr. (SD.net)

>Who knows, Raoul. Your book may even inspire a new generation of disenchanted >teens to adopt a "Raoulian" lifestyle, like the Beats or the Hippies. You'll be >credited with the creation of a new counterculture! You'll go down in the history >books! :D I don't know that I want to go down in History... once, during high school, I heard of a girl who went down in History. She got suspended.

Quote #993 -- IRG CommandoJoe (SDnet)

The Emperor meets the Captain... "Welcome, relatively young Picard. I have been expecting you...You no longer need those...Guards, leave us...his puny phaser is no big deal...I'm looking forward to completing your basic training. In time you will call me Master...eh, why not start now? CALL ME MASTER, BIATCH! Oh, no, my relatively young Starfleet officer. You will find that it is you who are mistaken...about a great many things...Ah, yes, a Federation officer's weapon. Not much like your father's. By now you must know your father can never be turned from the dark side...So will it be with you... wait what am I talking about? I don't even know your father...eh...Perhaps you refer to the imminent attack of your Federation starship... Yes,...I assure you we are quite safe from your friends here...What's that? Data will recaliblate the shield phase matrix to correspond with the subspace energy influx modulator, causing subatomic farion radiation to overload the jurispon particle flux manager and allowing local luminal electro magnetic radiation to destabilize the interdimensional energy refraction/dissapation system? Your faith in your technobabble is yours ...Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. Your friends up there on Earth are walking into a trap. As is your Star Fleet! It was I who allowed the Federation to know the location of the shield generator. It is quite safe from your pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best troops awaits them...Oh...I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive." "Come, man. See for yourself...From here you will witness the final destruction of the Enterprise, and the end of your insignificant Federation...You want this, don't you? The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Federation weapon. Use it. I am unarmed. Sweep me with it. It can't hit me even at this range with an automatic targeting computer! Bwahahahahahaaaa!!!! Give in to your anger. With each passing moment, you make yourself more my servant...It is unavoidable. It is your destiny. You, like your father, are now....mine ! .... Oh no, I still don't know your father....damn it, I have to stop doing that!!! As you can see, my relatively young apprentice, your friends have failed. Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station. Fire at will Commander. Actually, no. Belay that order. Just use the point defense laser cannons to piss them off and then gradually increase the firepower to scare the bantha poo doo out of them before vaporizing parts of their ship with the heavy turbolasers and then using the super laser. Yeh heh heh....the ol' noggin still works... "Your ship has lost. And your friends on Earth will not survive. There is no escape, my relatively young apprentice. The Federation will die...as will your friends...Good. I can feel your anger. I am defenseless. Take your weapon! Sweep me down with all your hatred, and your journey towards the dark side will be complete.... Wait a minute...he's not Force sensitive! What am I doing with him?! Eh, I'll just string him along and make him feel special before I deep fry his ass. " "Good. Use your aggressive feelings, man! Let the hate flow through you...Good. Good. Good! Your hate has made you powerful. I wonder what's on the HoloNet now....maybe some good Twilek porn....damn it, I think I'll just wrap this up now... Now, fulfill your destiny and take your father's place by my side! You want to join?! Err....uhm...I wasn't prepared for that... Twilek porn!!! No! It's er, uh...a...trick! You playing me for a fool?! I may be senile but I'm not a fool! So be it...dumbass." "If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed...no, I'm not falling for that trick again....Young fool...only now, at the end, do you understand...Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the dark side. Stop saying you want to join!!! Stop it! STOOOP!!! You have paid the price for your lack of vision! Now, relatively young Picard... you will die."

Quote #982 -- Colin Brian Witz

Dr. Evil: I'm surrounded by friggin idiots! Evil Phone: *Rings loud & Demandingly* Dr. Evil: Ahh that must be the UN come to cave into my demands now that I have zee deathray satellites. Phone: Hello Mrs Evil, can I interest you in a subscription to ... *Dr. Evil slams down the phone, && it immediately starts ringing again* Dr. Evil: Hello, UN ?!? Phone: Can I take a minute of your time to.... *Evil then throws the Evil phone into the Lava flow, and prepares to link up to his Death ray satellite* Computer: Hello Dr. Evil you have 5837 messages Evil: Penile enlargements (Remind me to send those to Austin Powers), Just forward this to 11 other people, Ha, Whose the friggin idiot that would fall for that one, Nigerian Bank Scam, That was old when I was young, Hot young Lesbian Lolitas (I think Scott's E-mail's have been switched with mine) *Fed up Dr. Evil has the Telemarketing company & the Spam company traced down through his multi billion dollar computer, and Targeted for Destruction by his Friggin huge death ray satellites.* #2: Dr. Evil, It must be Austin Powers the Evil Death Ray satellite has targeted this building for destruction! Dr. Evil: That's impossible I just targeted the Spammer's and Telemarketers #2: Evil Corp OWNS the Spammers & Telemarketers. Dr. Evil: My, I really didn't know how evil we really were.

Quote #983 -- Dalton

Pablo Sanchez wrote: > > On Wed, 12 Feb 2003 00:37:43 -0500, Dalton > <robsmashspam@daltonator.net> wrote: > > Chuck wrote: > >> By now I've gotten use to editors chopping my stuff up (comes with the > >> territory) and changing it around to fit the magazine. The precise term is > >> selling out. :-) > >> So I'm burning a CD and while I'm waiting I just grab a magazine that's > >> within reach, which happens to be this month's Scrye. I figure I'll re-read > >> it and see how it comes across after all this time. I get to the last > >> sentence... > >> Now, here's the last sentence in what I submitted: > >> > >> With all the ways this set manipulates the odds, I have to agree that, "In > >> my experience there's no such thing as luck." > >> > >> Here's what's in the magazine: > >> > >> With all the ways this set manipulates the odds, you'll almost have to agree > >> with Han Solo when he says, "In my experience, there's no such thing as > >> luck." > >> > >> Please keep this in mind if you read something of mine and say "I can't > >> believe Chuck would write that!" There's a good chance I didn't. :-) > > > >Do the editors of Scrye figure that most of their readers DON'T know > >Star Wars front to back? > > Those fools. > > To the geek-cave, comrades! NA-NA na-na na-na na-NA, FatMan!

Quote #984 -- Stuart Mackey

Maybe it is not too odd that in many US men's rooms stalls you'll see this charming poem posted: "Here I sit, butt cheeks flexin' Just gave birth to another TEXAN"

Quote #985 -- Tyralak

Graeme Dice <grdice@sk.sympatico.ca> wrote in news:3E64B18E.51847CAF@sk.sympatico.ca: > Tyralak wrote: > > <snip> > >> Conservative test then. Your positions please on the following: > > I'm not required to pass your test or tell you my personal beliefs to > prove that I'm a conservative. Besides, you're a fool, so what > political party does that make you a part of? > I think that makes me Canadian.

Quote #986 -- Tyralak

> Besides Iraq is > perhaps the only secular state with a moslem-polulation and the > religious tolerance is far higher, than in other countries of the > region. Yes, I can see the vacation brocures now:"Come visit historic Iraq. View the ruins of Babylon, and the quiet elegance of Baghdad. Remember, we kill fewer Christians than any other Muslim nation, and pass the savings on to you!"

Quote #987 -- Clubbeaux (Ming the Merciless posted this gem to SDnet)

The Complete Military History of France. Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian. Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: *France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.* Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots. Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. The Dutch War: Tied. War of the Augsburg League/King William?s War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three non-outright defeats in a row cause historians to correctly label the period as the height of French military power. War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: *France only wins when America does most of the fighting.* French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken frat boy to France?s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it?s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn?t call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the lyrics for "Deutschland ?ber Alles." War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: *We can always beat the French.* This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. The War of Greenpeace: Lost. Thanks to Emperor Misha, for reminding Clubbeaux that after Frog frogmen bravely blew up an unarmed Greenpeace ship in Auckland Harbour in 1983 and bravely killed unarmed people doing so, thereby commencing hostilities, "the attack catapulted Greenpeace to the international spotlight, boosting its popularity and presence to record levels. The incident gave Greenpeace worldwide publicity and brought it a deluge of new members. Lloyd Cutler, former White House counsel to President Jimmy Carter, negotiated an $8 million settlement from the French Government." As Misha says, "You attack a bunch of filthy, granola- munching hippies and you end up having to fork over $8,000,000 to make them stop harrassing you? You surrendered to friggin' GREENPEACE??? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" War on Terrorism: Surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Quote #994 -- Björn Paulsen (SDnet)

MKSheppard wrote: > >It stutters and pukes all over itself regularly, and we have to wait >minutes before our messages show up... > >So what the fuck is Lord MJ's excuse THIS time? My guess is, the server likes you as much as the next guy does. And we all know how much that is, don't we? I guess I could justify this attack by saying that only a fucking idiot would demand flawless performance out of a heavily taxed server that's being hosted for free by an overworked father of two. But I won't, because in all likelyhood, you'd just go right on assuming it had something to do with taking away your guns.

Quote #998 -- Mike Wong (SDnet)

Stormbringer wrote: >I answered the original question the best I can. Yeah, sure. After a lot of hemming and hawing, you basically said the cheque is in the mail. >I'm just going to shut up now. First sensible thing you've done in this thread.

Quote #1003 -- KaLEv (SDnet)

EJACULATE ON IRAQ FROM ORBIT! FLATTEN BAGHDAD WITH KINETIC KILL SPOOGE WARHEADS! THE EUPHRATES SHALL RUN WHITE!

Quote #1008 -- Spyder vs a Telemarketer (SDnet)

"Hello, it's Elane Whatsherface here from statistics New Zealand. I'd just like to conduct a quick survey, it will just take a few minutes..." "Do you like pie Elane?" "I'm sorry? I'm just calling to conduct a survey. Are you familiar with the current New Zealand economic..." "I like pie." "That's nice sir. Now the question is..." "So does Rei." "are you happy with the govern..." "I like it with cream...and butter. Lots of butter." "Yes that's all well and...butter?" "I LIKE BIG BUTTER AND I CANNOT LIE!" "Ok, are you going to answer the question or..." "The sound of your voice makes me want to touch myself." *click*

Quote #1011 -- Mike Wong (SDnet)

Wow, you can read my mind? Since I haven't said one word about the dramatic part of the storytelling, I guess you must be psychic. Where exactly did you learn this mind-reading talent anyway? Are there correspondence schools?

Quote #1013 -- Stravo (SDnet)

[Thread context: Warspite posted this link calling the man being interviewed an Iraqi version of Darkstar...] Can we all see him speaking at a new conference as the sounds of TIE fighters roar overhead and the Golden Gate bridge collapses into San Francisco bay from a volley of stardestroyers overhead as a swarm of white armored troops march up the main thouroghfairs of teh city in displined coulmns, pajama clad troops lying scattere dthrough teh streets like so many rags. "The Imperials are committing suicide at the gates of San Francisco. Starfleet Academy has NOT been taken, the invaders were replused via the use of non traditional tacics." "Excuse me does that mean the use of Weapons of mass destruction?" "No, it means that we used such tactics as firing ionized plasma particiles accelerated via a subspace conduit that impregnmated the stream with nadyon partciles which initated a tetryon cascade upon contact with durasteel." "Technobabble." "That's right, we are now intiating a wide spread use of technobabble tactics to repluse these criminal invaders. They are dying by the thousands." An AT AT looms into view behind Dorkstar, framing him, as it walks by in a slow ponderous gait, suddenly firing a series of bolts from its chin cannons and a Federation battery of artillery, consisting of mortars with a range of a hundred yards and the fire power equivalent to M-80's explodes into a towering column of fire and smoke accompanied by the anguished screams of the crew. "Pay no attention to their propaganda. Everything is under control, in fact the criminals have just been repulsed from San Francisico and not a single Imperial soldier has a boot on this hallowed ground thanks to the bravery of crack Federation marines." The Imperial flag is slowly raised over the center of the city as a runabout screams down into the bay trailing smoke, hitting the water with a CARUMP. The TIE that shot it down roars right over the roof where he is holding his press conference sending some memebers of the press scattering as hats and loose equipment are blown loose. "I ask you to ignore the pathetic rantings of the evil Warsie cultists that refuse to accept reality. THIS is the reality." A mushroom cloud explodes across the bay where the academy is located.

Quote #1014 -- Enforcer Talen (SDnet)

she gave me a link. its in one of my emails. she has sent me 200 emails. -flip- -flip- -flip- plz hold.

Quote #1015 -- His Divine Shadow

Kazuaki Shimazaki wrote: > Wait, shit, am I talking to an author's characters again, as if they > were real people? Yeah but it's ok, we talk to you as if you where a real person too.

Quote #1016 -- Durandal

The voice in my head named Lord Edam de Fromage told me: > So his price is a little different - who cares? Giving people what > they want for what they are willing to give is what the western world > is all about. Sure he has the right to do what he wants, as long as his price isn't something criminal, like forcing the soldiers to masturbate for his pleasure -- was the guy Catholic? I can't remember.

Quote #1018 -- Andrew Joshua Talon, Darkstar Sychophant Extraordinaire??

Go back to your butt scratching routines, asshole. To all it may concerned: I support Darkstar! I'm tired of being a collaborator, I'm tired of being oppressed by a bunch of shitheaded, ignorant, imperial bastards who have turned this site into "Nazism 3.0", and I'm tired of YOU scum of the Universe ignoring EVERYTHING that makes sense in physics and mathematics just so you can pick on a show you don't like! Darkstar's math is not only better than any of yours, he's smarter, more eloquent, and wittier than any of YOU quasi-theocratic heathans! May you and your Empire rot in the depths of Ignorance and Death! And yes, Wong, I think Darkstar kicked your ass in your debates. Flame me, bakas. Go on. I no longer fear you. And besides, the worst that can happen is that Wong kicks me off the site, and where will that get him? Long Live the Federation and all freedom loving peoples...

Quote #1022 -- Spanky the Dolphin Educates Ein (SDnet)

Ein, men don't get PMS, not even the gay ones. You don't get PMS because you don't have periods because you don't have a menstrual cycle because you don't have eggs because you don't have ovaries because YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN!!

Quote #1024 -- Zaia (SDnet)

[Context: Sea Skimmer was seriously injured in Houston] Originally posted by Beowulf: > > Originally posted by neoolong: >> That sucks. Hopefully some beautiful women will take pity on you and lavish >> you with attention. > > (Note to self: Send beautiful women to take pity on and lavish attention on > the Great Leader) *phone rings* Hello? You need me to do what? Fans and grapes, eh? And with whom am I to be--Oh, right, Kelly Antilles. Have you already called her? It's ok, I can get in touch with her. Uh huh. And this is for whom, again? Oh, the poor dear, that's awful. Well, just ask him what costumes he'd like and we'll be there as soon as we can. Do you think he'd mind if we brought other members of SoS:NBA too? Ok, well, I'll get right on that. Ok. No, no, thank you , Beowulf. I'll be sure to figure in your SD.net discount when I send the bill. Uh huh. Have a lovely day yourself. Bye! *hangs up phone* Kellllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeee.........!!

Quote #1025 -- Zaia (SDnet)

FUQ ME, DAMN YOU!!!!!! ;) :D *adjusts halo* :D

Quote #1031 -- Raycav

On Tue, 29 Apr 2003 22:47:17 -0400, Dalton <robremove@daltonator.net> wrote: >Commander Raynor RayCav wrote: >> >> On Mon, 28 Apr 2003 15:53:09 -0400, Dalton <robremove@daltonator.net> >> wrote: > >[snip] > >> >Most freshmen are enjoying their first taste of freedom and haven't yet >> >been hit with the responsibilities tied to that freedom. >> >> Here's to the hope that I may never experience such horrible, horrible >> freedom > >You're sad. Or do you say that because you assume mommy is watching? Oh, come on. You damn well know that the answer is both.

Quote #1033 -- Björn Paulsen

[Context: dude selling SW laserdiscs] Commander Raynor RayCav <geraycav@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<s0picv8222h75vk7lvec526ncl8kh76od8@4ax.com>... >>[link] > > > > > >Alan > > > > And we give a damn because...? Because those LASER discs won't even penetrate our navigational deflectors!

Quote #1034 -- Tyralak

"PROMETHEUS" <dulka@alpha.ocn.ne.jp> wrote in news:atmltf$89d$1@nn-tk106.ocn.ad.jp: > Morons! > > Don't you have anything better to do? > > I'm gonna go out and do some good deeds. > > I'll be back in 2003 to defend true Star Trek from you doltish > cretins! > > For the Federation! > > For Bukowski! > > Transbuk@yahoo.com!!!!!!!!!! > > PUFF > Good deeds? Is that what you call giving free blow jobs to underpriviledged children?

Quote #1035 -- Durandal

It's possible that TKI may be a group of people, but I think it's a safe bet that it's a pimply-faced social reject who got together with his imaginary friends and formed a little club to irritate those of us who can talk to women without popping boners and sweating worse than Rosie O'Donnell going through Pon Far and a low-sugar diet.

Quote #1036 -- The Baron

On Thu, 5 Jun 2003 22:54:43 +1200, "Stuart Mackey" <jutland@ihug.REMOVE.co.nz> wrote: > > "C.S.Strowbridge" <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote in message > news:3EDC5D9B.7080703@shaw.ca... >> Stuart Mackey wrote: >> > "Diamond Dallas Dirvish" wrote: >> > >> >>June 2 2003 >> >> >> >>Alright who would win this battle Q Or Yoda.? >> > >> > According to the debate rules {R&R an the FAQ} of ASVS: Yoda wins. :) >> >> Actually, that rule only comes into effect when Q isn't one of the >> declared combatants. For example, when the debate is Picard vs. Ackbar >> the Pro-ST person could not say, 'Q wouldn't let Picard die, so he'd >> help Picard defeat Ackbar.' >> >> C.S.Strowbridge > >Ahh fuck. You were right, incompetency on my part. I surrender, I conceed. >If you say any thing about your ego I am flying over there to break your >knee's. > You don't need to fly, you would be sucked in. Strowbridge sits in a cave at the centre of the earth and is the reason we all stick to the ground.

Quote #1037 -- HemlockGrey (SD.net)

[Thread: Bling-bling makes it into the OED...] This reminds me of a great story. I was at Brandywine Picnic Park for a school field trip/end-of-year fun-thing. I was playing a game of pool with a couple of friends, when a bunch of inner city kids bust into the hall. Well, no, they probably weren't real inner city kids, because I have no real idea why inner city kids would come out to the Brandywine Creek. They were, however, the most authentic group of posers you will ever see. Chains, backwards baseball caps, poor hygiene, beady eyes, four or five layers of clothing(on an 80 degree day) and pitiful social skills. So they burst in, about eight of them, and they crowd around one of the pool tables- which happens to the one I'm at. Then they start acting all tough. You know, stuff like 'Yo, leave, we got this table'. We ignore them. They say 'yo' about four to five hundred more times, then finally get pissed off. They start grabbing pool sticks, scattering pool balls. This is actually a rather poor idea, as my friends and I were all much bigger than the were. So I go up to the one who appears to be the leader(denoted by having all the above qualities in extreme excess), lean over him, and in the deepest possible voice, say "Yoyoyo kill yourself." Brief pause, and then, universally bitching, they walk back out of the door. Beautiful, beautiful moment.

Quote #1038 -- Pablo Sanchez

On Wed, 04 Jun 2003 00:34:29 GMT, rrc3813@yahoo.com (MKSheppard) wrote: >On Tue, 03 Jun 2003 14:13:21 -0400, Dalton <robsmashspam@daltonator.net> wrote: > >>Only one update, and that's information on the new Final Flamewar game. > >Lazy, Lazy, where's my 2,344 page autobiography that I submitted to you a month ago >on the Goodness that is Sheppard? Great. Shep has a rambling manifesto; that means he's only three idealogical steps away from mailing bombs to random people and appearing in a news story that features the phrase "in a hail of gunfire...".

Quote #1040 -- Spyderizer

..and then Shadowarbiter@aol.com (Matt Huang) said: > no need to be disturbed, in this dream, I was shown, in quite high > detail, how to make a 4-barreled pump action shotgun of > rocket-boot-powered-asskicking doom. It has 4 choked barrels put in a > box-pattern, with ammo feeds at seperate levels all fed from a > centeral clip that resembled a M-249 clip, only bigger. It has one > trigger, which when pulled, causes one of the barrels to fire, so you > get 4 shots with every pump. Each time you pump it, it chambers a new > shell in each barrel, also ejecting the 4 spent shells in simotaneous > still-smoking glory, and looks really hard to pull off and very > intimidating. I also saw somebody (I think he was my character from > UT2003) walking around blowing apart Hell Cows from Diablo 2 and > Buffy/Angel (WB) vampires with the said shotgun in a weird cross > between the Naboo palace and the Romulan senate. Dreaming of a multiple barreled shotgun is essentually the same as wishing that there was more then one naked "barrel" around. The killing is also indicative of pent up sexual repression. Basically you're gay.

Quote #1041 -- The Lumberjack (SD.net)

[Context: The Manwitch] Mind you, this bloke hasnt cornered the market in protection spells, after years of research, we have decided that the traffic cone we gave to my mate is in fact, keeping the tigers out of his garage.

Quote #1042 -- Björn Paulsen (SD.net)

(In answer to Shinova's thread about The Smartest SDnetter) Hey there, I saw that your thread was locked, which was a shame really. I just wanted to take the opportunity to say that, after careful consideration of all of SDnet's residents, I have impartially determined that I am the smartest one. The calculations and postulates that I used to prove this, however, are too complex for you or anyone else but me to understand, filled as they are with intricate equations and a lot of latin words like ipso facto and mea culpa. So I'm afraid you'll have to take this on faith. But that should be no problem. As my calculations show you to be the second smartest SDnet member, I am confident in your ability to remain fair and unbiased. Hopefully, these findings will soon be wedded to SDnet's already impressive body of knowledge.

Quote #1043 -- Spyderizer (SD.net)

(Spyder distills Gigantibyte's legacy down to a paragraph.) Thus the young Trekkie said "You know it would be much better if you guys had your own newsgroup." And the creator didst say "Let there be a newsgroup!" And it was done, and it was good. The creator didst then say "Let there be a charter!" And it was done, and it sucked. And thus the creator was made fun of and beaten with sticks, driven out of the hallowed lands of ASVS for all eternity. So it was written, so it was done.

Quote #1045 -- Spanky The Dolphin on FATAL (World's Worst RPG Ever)

I stopped reading nearly halfway when I reached the part about rolling for Vaginal Circumference and converting height to get Vaginal Depth Potential.

Quote #1046 -- Ryan Spickard

"Tyralak" <myfist@yourface.com> wrote in message news:3ef94d40_4@corp.newsgroups.com... > Aron Kerkhof <nospam@spam.net> wrote in > news:f3sefv8d71cpcu6mekegg5jvlhumt6jlg8@4ax.com: > > > On Sun, 22 Jun 2003 21:31:54 GMT, "C.S.Strowbridge" > > <csstrowbridge@shaw.ca> wrote: > > > >>Nope. Most marriages are monogamous. > > > > Is that your gut feeling, or what? Because marriages in African > > tribes, in India, in the middle east (up until Islam, which is j/c, of > > course), and among native americans were poly. > > > Nitpick: > Islam is NOT J/C. It's some sick "mirror universe" version of the Bible and > J/C traditions. Is that why they all wear beards?

Quote #1048 -- Darth Wong (SD.net)

[Thread: Masturbation techniques] Tosho wrote: >I'm surprised a thread about hasn't been posted already but >oh well. >What's your's? Technique? What techniques are there? You grasp your penis in one hand and begin stroking. Is there some kind of advanced masturbation methodology I'm unaware of?

Quote #1051 -- Superman (SDnet)

Ok, so I'm taking a bath with my fianc? and I got to thinking. Actually, this question has bothered me for years now and I have never actually resolved it. I really have to know this. It's driving me crazy. So, ladies, when you are taking a bath, does your vagina fill up with water? I mean, because if I stick my head under water and open my mouth, it fills up right? Is this what also happens to the vagina? There is really nothing more mysterious than the vagina. I like to think of it as being filled with pink foam.

Quote #1158 -- RedImperator, Casanova Extraordinaire

I recommend getting her full name and the tag number from her car. Armed with that information, you should be able to get her address and phone number, maybe her social security number. Then you can stake out a good spot to watch her house and learn her schedule. Be sure to remember a camera with a telephoto lens! After a week or two of observation, you should be able to enter her home confident nobody will be there--we wouldn't want her to spoil the surprise, would we? Don't forget, people often forget to lock upstairs windows, if you're having trouble with the lock on the door. Inside, you'll want to document everything you can. Especially important are documents like bank statements, credit card bills, tax records, etc. Be sure to check her bedroom thoroughly--that's where her most treasured possessions are likely to be kept, and they'll give you a good idea what kind of person she is (also, take the opportunity to search for any firearms and remove their ammunition--guns aren't safe, and if you really care about her, you won't risk her hurting herself). Be sure you leave the house just the way it did when you came in, and leave before your sweetie gets home! Now, with all this information (you might want to build your own darkroom to develop the photos--heaven forbid she knows one of the guys at the drugstore who develops pictures who might spoil the big surprise for you!), you can get to work impressing her. Because you know her schedule and her route to and from work (you HAVE been following her, right?), you can arrange a "coincidental" meeting at your convenience where you can casually mention how you two are so alike, your credit card balances are nearly the same, or that your mothers live within a few miles of each other (be sure you mention her mom's real address and maybe a few fun facts, like the time she goes to sleep at night or the type of lock on her back door, just to show you're not some dilletante, but you're REALLY interested in her). To really impress her, arrange several of these "coincidences" within a few days, each at different locations. She'll think Fate is bringing you together! Finally, one magical evening, it will be time to make your move. Buy a dozen of her favorite flower and sneak into her house while she's asleep. Get naked and slide into bed with her, holding the flowers. Wrap your arms around her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear until she wakes up. She might be startled, so be sure to hold on tight when she first wakes up. Once she realizes who you are, she'll be so happy she'll shriek with joy. I hope this advice helps.

Quote #1065 -- Aron Kerkhof

Elim Garak wrote: >Dalton wrote: > >>Elim Garak wrote: >> >> >Dalton wrote: >> > >> > > Watch what you say. I have super powers. >> > >> > I am soooo scared! >> >> Yes, you should be. > >I was shaking in fear of you so much that a cup of water just fell out >of my hand. If you substitute "fell out of my hand" with "gushed out my bladder" you would be correct. After all, Rob is a card carrying member of the ASVS Lump Club, super powers or no.

Quote #1066 -- Aron Kerkhof

On Sat, 29 May 1999 08:22:17 +0100, "Alex Sutton" <alko@dial.pipex.com> wrote: >> Except that watts already has "per second" built in. I know in the >> past it is claimed that you were confused about the properties of >> units of energy, but how do you explain that? "the E-D outputs X >> amount of energy per second, per second?" That is exactly what you >> claim data is saying. Does not compute. > >Maybe he wasn't going to say "per something...", maybe he was going >to say "perhaps.....". So now you are saying that data said, and I quote, "One does not have to imagine. The enterprises current power output is 12.6 Billion gigawatts per..." haps? Perhaps what? Was he going to say perhaps I am wrong? Perhaps I forgot what a watt is? Maybe he said "... perfectly" just so the person he was speaking to knew how efficient the E-D was. Maybe he said "... perculating" because he was referring to the E-D's coffee maker. No, wait, this is fun... Maybe he said "... personally, little data, my android penis, generates more power than that in its flaccid state." "... purty niffty, huh?" "... perforated. Oh crap! The engine has a hole in it!" "... perturbed. The enterprise generates far less when docile." Could we make a thread out of this? :-)

Quote #1067 -- Aron Kerkhof

>> First of all, I was the one who said it. Why? Because unlike the >> average American, my vocabulary is slightly higher than 10,000 words. >> Sometimes I like to use those extra words floating around in the mushy >> grey stuff behind my eyes. Sue me. > >Use them, but unambiguously. I'm sorry. I didn't know there was another way to use words aside from the meanings that the English Language has bestowed upon them. >> Because SW is a GALACTIC civilization. It would readily detect (more >> readily) a spacetime distortion apearing in its galaxy. > >They don't appear to even have the sensors for that. Not to mention the >science to figure out what that is. Remember, they do not live in a >galaxy chock-full of subspace anomalies and stuff. Sure they are. Can you give a valid reason that they aren't? I'll tell you why. Because they have been space-faring for thousands of years. They don't go all apeshit when they see the anamolie of the month. They yawn, sigh, and say "wow, would you look at that inverse gravitronic phase hole out there? What a beauty. Hey, Ensign, would you mind sending a team out here to get rid of that for us? I'd hate for a civie to have to run into that." They are just bored with the things. It's like walking outside and showing complete lack of surprise when seeing grass. No need to study every blade, just get the lawnmower out and take care of it. Now the Feds, well, they have bearly made it out of their little quadrant, in those fragile ships of theirs, and everything is such an adventure. Kind of like those old time mariners waxing poetic about water spouts, giant squid, and manatees. Suddely you have devil's tongue, sea monsters, and mermaids running around everywhere. Now people drive golf balls off deck, sail through water spouts for the hell of it, and run manatees down in their sport boats.

Quote #1070 -- Dalton

Kuja wrote: >Dalton wrote: > > >With every page I read of The New Rebellion, I get a stronger sense that > >the author is a bishie fangirl writing bad fanfic. > > Hmmm...that's a surprisingly accurate way of describing it. I'm utterly amazed she didn't try to contrive a Han/Lando "scene" on Skip 6.

Quote #1071 -- N/A

[Context: SDnet NYC meet for Return of the King] Darksider: Is this Well known members only? Or can anyone go? Dalton: Not necessarily, no. But you will be outcast and relegated to the corner to feed on our scraps ;) Darksider: Because of my intense paranoia, i just have to ask. You are joking, aren't you???????? Stravo's reply: NO. And make sure you bring a clean rag and some shoe polish, some of us will want a shine before the movie starts. Dalton's reply: I already have a doggie bowl marked "Darksider". Aron's reply: Silence, impudent worm!

Quote #1073 -- Dalton (SDnet)

Edi wrote: > Fuck, they should hire MoO and some of the other people here, and > we'd see some decided improvement in the books. And boy would I love > to see the faces of KJA, McIntyre and all the others who've distorted > SW beyond recognition in the EU when their next submission got the > red-inked smackdown... "We like to have the characters maintain at least a superficial resemblance to their movie counterparts." "Please modify the plot away from a cheap cliche-ridden fantasy kludge." "You are advised to do research that doesn't start and end with books from West End Games and Kevin J. Anderson." "There is no such thing as a Super-class Star Destroyer. What retard would actually name a ship class Super?" "Stop using the Force as a plot device like it was a two-dollar whore." "Thank you Mr. Zahn. No changes."

Quote #1076 -- Hotfoot (SDnet)

Dalton wrote: > Hmm, I predict that one day they'll organize an outing and take > Teal'c to Six Flags. He will be "most thrilled" by the roller > coasters. My money's on the go-carts and bumper cars myself. I also predict the following will happen: Hammond: Now what's this I hear about your excursion to the amusement park? I have some very irate people who want to know who is responsible. Jack: Ah...which incident at the amusment park, General? They all sort of...blurred together after my sixth...uh, what were those things called Carter? The ropey bread things they fried and put sugar on? Sam: Funnel Cakes. Teal'C: (Smiles at the mention of Funnel Cakes) Jack: Yeah, Funnel Cakes. Hammond: Several, but we'll start with the laser tag arena. Daniel: (winces) Jack: (winces) Ah...I think I can explain that. You see sir, we thought it would be, you know, kind of fun, after all our times, you know, saving the world and everything, to just go shooting without the imminent danger of getting our heads taken off. Then Daniel here gets freaked out about something and goes nuts on this kid. Daniel: He held the laser at my eyes, I was just trying to tell him how dangerous that sort of thing was. Jack: Right, well, anyway, I tried to resolve the conflict, and the little bastard kicked me in the shin and ran off! Sam: Right into me. Jack: After that, you know, my memory gets kind of fuzzy... Hammond: (eyes Jack suspiciously) Does anyone else happen to remember what exactly took place? Sam: Um...not really sir. Hammond: Teal'C? Teal'C: My memory of the events are fleeting, General Hammond. Hammond: Doctor Jackson, do you remember anything? Daniel: Well sir, I was having trouble seeing much at that point, but I do remember... Jack: Daniel! *jerks head towards Sam* Daniel: Uh, that is...I do remember not remembering much, actually... Hammond: I see. And is there any reason why an eighteen year old high school student had to be removed from one of the walls of the structure? Jack: I dunno...maybe he tripped? Hammond: He tripped. Daniel: Yeah, that's how I remember it. Teal'C: That is my recollection as well. Sam: (nods and shrugs) Hammond: ...Very well. You all are dismissed, for now. Start getting ready for your next mission. (SG-1 leaves the briefing room) (after they leave) Sam: I'm really, really sorry about that Colonel. I just don't know what came over me. Jack: Ah don't sweat it Major. That little punk deserved everything he got. Daniel: Well, I think pantsing him in front of his friends was a little extreme. I mean, you already put him through the wall. Teal'C: I feel that his humiliation was most fitting, given the nature of his prior boasting. Daniel: Well, yeah, maybe, but what you did afterwards? With the Laser tag gun? Sam: That was a little...extreme. Jack: Yeah, Teal'C, buddy, we gotta talk about that. Teal'C: Did he not tell me to shove it up his- Jack: Ah-ah-ah! No, he told you to shove it up your...you know. Teal'C: Ah. I think I liked my way better. Jack: (shakes his head and just gives up) (a pause, they round the corner) Teal'C: Can we have some more Funnel Cake? Jack, Sam, and Daniel, in unison: No!

Quote #1078 -- Lord Edam de Fromage

It must've been some good cheese - that mushroom's talking to me. And it says its name is Ryan Spickard > "The Baron" <NOSPAMwebmaster@NOSPAMswineherd.co.uk> wrote in message > news:quj6svccim1vdlfd54m63phoijn7mt7l4b@4ax.com... > > > So I watched that Futurama episode where Fry drank 100 cups of coffee > > and was able to move super fast and stuff so I decided to recreate > > that and have hit 52 cups so far and going strong > > woooowoowoowowowwooooo! > > > Oh yeah, thats a good idea... " A scotsman was found dead in mysterious circumstances today. Neighbours were first alerted by the strong odour of coffee coming from the deceased's first floor flat, and a warm brown liquid dripping through into the flat below. His partner has been so grief-stricken by this tragic accident that for the last three days she has only been able to say the first syllable of his name..."baah" "

Quote #1079 -- Björn Paulsen

On Pablo Sanchez <pablo_sanchez2000@hotmail.com>, news:4coqsv0anle599l7kp1r8kbicbbkvg8cuo@4ax.com fashioned following prophecy while in the throes of religious ecstasy: > On Tue, 2 Dec 2003 22:15:16 +0200, "His Divine Shadow" > <dennis.NOSPAM.aspo@pp.inet.fi> wrote: > [snip] > >>>Does death come in shades of gray rather than black and white? >>>Is the line between life and death merely a kaleidoscope of non-colors >>>relative to the observers speed and location? IS IT? >> >> Yes. I suppose you've never felt it inside yourself, that dull >> creeping darkness of half-death that stops inches from your heart. >> You wake up sweating in the night and wonder if you're really alive, >> or still dreaming in a gray wasteland. You think about all the times >> you pulled the trigger and snuffed them--and why did you do it? For >> the money? No, even though it was good money for such a simple thing. >> You did it because you liked to watch them die, to see the look in >> their eyes as the candle went out, to feel the shadowy touch of their >> early departure brushing against your soul. You were only half alive >> and, like all of us, in the process of becoming fully dead. >> >> You sit awake all through the night until dawn because you know that >> they come at night, and your enemies are legion. Sleeping in >> scattered snatches, avoiding the hired killers, men like yourself, you >> aren't quite dead inside because of the tiny spark that glows on, >> commanding you to live. Then it's right after you rise from your >> little grayout of a nap that the headaches come. You think of the men >> you've killed, you see the eyes, and you see your own ice-cold orbs >> staring back, reflected in the blackness of the dead man's pupils. >> >> Where did I put the fucking acetaminophen? >> >> >> ... >> >> >> Btw, good luck and salutations to Eleas. Thank you. You don't know how good that makes me feel. Or do you? After reading your above post, I think you do know how it feels. It's in those rare moments when you almost touch death that you know that you are alive. When you feel the spurts of blood grow sluggish as they escape a writhing body beneath your hands. The crack of splintering bone. Such a fleeting, transient thing it is, and before you know it, the bathtub is awash with blood and your arms are tired and shaking from holding the chainsaw properly, and the black plastic bags seem to stir in an unfelt wind, and they're _watching you_. ...still, you have to pay the price of life's little pleasures. And so do they. -- Bj?rn

Quote #1080 -- Ryan Spickard

Ryan: Run! Run away as far as you can! But you will never escape my groovy lovin! Muwahahahahahaha!! Matt Huang: [Matt finds nearest toilet, throws up, then activates his universe-shields] Ryan: Don't be nervous, I'm a gentle lover!

Quote #1083 -- His Divine Shadow

Newbie: The cybermen say "You will become like us, you will be like us." and "You will be robotized." Ryan: That last one sounds like a bad pick-up line... HDS: One I fully intend to use!

Quote #1086 -- Chardok (SDnet)

Ha. easy one. Jabba the (Motherfucking) Hutt, Intergalactic pimp extraordinairre. He be havin' bitches, fly-assed rides, bubonic chronic (spice), and be blastin' out da tunes on dat sail barge and he makes Puke Guystalker his Beeotch! (Well, for a moment anyway) Puke: Yo, bitch, you finna let my niglet Han go. Jabba: Whateva, foo. Puke: Punk bitch, dontchu be dissrespeccin me! Gimme mah homee! Jabba: Ho ho ho ho...ha ha ha...pleasse, muthafucka. you ain't gon' sweet talk THIS muthfucka. Getcha gone, foo. *Hits button* Jabba: Kiss Rancor Bitch! Now...where's me anutha one o' them fly-ass twi'lek hoes?

Quote #1085 -- Chris Lyth

Enigma: For a moment I thought it was "You will be sodomized.". Chris Lyth: Useful hint. Do not use that as a pick up line. You get strange looks, screams, and finally arrested. Though it might have worked better if I had been wearing clothes when I left the house rather than wrapping myself in toilet roll. How was I supposed to know it was going to rain?

Quote #1087 -- Thirdfain (SDnet)

Darth Wong wrote: >Terry? Isn't that a girl's name? No. No, it is NOT a girl's name. Terry is a gender-neutral name here in the USA, and is a masculine name in England, from which my name comes. The name "Terry" has a lot of famous and successful male holders- take for intsance, Terry Gilliam of "Monty Python" fame, and Terry Pratchett, the great comedic writer. In fact, Terry comes from the Norman French name "Thierri," which translates roughly as "Ruler of the People." Asshole.

Quote #1090 -- From the First Dates thread (SDnet)

I've found that it helps not to mention the dead hooker in the bathtub. -Dalton wtf's a first date?? oh shit... maybe thats what i've been doing wrong? -Zac Noelen Biggest tip of all: Don't set it on fire. -Spanky

Quote #1091 -- Stravo

[Starcrossed Darkstar vs. RL Darkstar] As to the Darkstar references: Anton Hieronymous Darkstar is: Rich Poweful Intelligent Has Women Has Sex NONE of these attributes refer to Darkstar. The only similarity is: They're both insane.

Quote #1096 -- Zaia

Zaia: Awwww. Boys are so cute! Eleas: AIEEEEEE! Incoming breasts!!! *cowers under his desk* Zaia: Hmmm, I believe that's the first time my breasts have instigated enough fright for an air-raid drill. ...The first time they've instigated fright period, I think. Usually they get a warmer reception than that. *shrugs and walks off*

Quote #1097 -- Rob Wilson

Gah, can't help myself, must.. make.. post.. Rob : "Don't worry Eleas, I'll protect you." *Valiantly leaps on Zaia's breasts to protect the squad!* Eleas : "What a hero, making such a sacrifice for us all!" *single manly tear runs down cheek*. "We will remember him." Zaia : "Rob you have 5 seconds to get your head out from between my breasts before i knee your happy sacks into your throat."

Quote #1098 -- jmac (SDnet)

Darth Wong: Technique? What techniques are there? You grasp your penis in one hand and begin stroking. Is there some kind of advanced masturbation methodology I'm unaware of? jmac: Gently massaging and rubbing my breasts with one hand while fingering myself and using a dildo or vibrator as needed. There's many possible variations on the basic theme and...oh wait...that's because I'm female. Poor guys...all you get to play with is a penis. ;)

Quote #1100 -- 2000AD (SDnet)

From the diary of Robert Scott "Guardian 2000" "Darkstar" Anderson: 0700: Woken up by alarm clock. Obviously some rabid warsie tried to deny me sleep. Ha! Little did he know he set it for the perfect time to wake me up for work! 0730: Warsie disguised as postman drops a load of arguments through my letterbox. If they think arguments like "This is the only credit card you will ever need" will beat me they are much mistaken. 0900: Begin work at university, notice some people looking at me as i walk in. Obviously they are part of the conspiracy. I will have to watch them with care from now on. 1245: During lunch break, pounced on one of the spies and demanded he try and refute my arguments. He claimed not to know what i was talking about, obviously too scared to debate the Last Bastion of Trek, another victory for me! 1800: Get home and find my inbox full of arguments from warsies. Obviously they have never realised that i refuted there insane "Get fr33 p0rn here" argument years ago, even if "Candy can take it for hours!" 1900: Prepare dinner, taking care to use Kitty to make sure the conspiracy hasn't poisened it. 2000: That insufferable idiot Poe has updated his hilariously inept Trekmiss video. Though it has no substance his PR pandering to the masses may cause more people to join the conspiracy! Have to think of a way to counter this. 0330: Hah! After a mere 10 minutes of work i have triumphed. My Warsmiss video crushes the the insane Trekmiss video at every point as well as backing up all my arguments AND proving Wong's site to be a pile of fallacies. However, while i was working some warsie must have slipped into my house and altered my clock as it now says it is half past three in the morning, as if crushing Poe could take that long! Gah! They must have slipped a sleeping pill into my drink as well as i am feeling tired, perhaps these warsies are more resourceful than i thought. No matter i will crush their arguments tommorow!

Quote #1102 -- InnerBrat (SDnet)

Spanky The Dolphin: Since when can you have sex with a stuffed sheep? InnerBrat: If you can cum in Thumper's mouth, you can do anything...

Quote #1103 -- InnerBrat

InnerBrat: You know, this is a page in a thread about masturbation dominated almost completely by female SDnet members. It'll go down in history... Zaia: It should really be stickied. *ba-doom boom crash* InnerBrat: It probably already is..

Quote #1105 -- InnerBrat

I was just reading the othe FUQ thread when everlasting cocksucker came on my media player. (so everytime I read FUQ MM said Fuck) So I'd just like to say that Rob's the God of FUQ.

Quote #1107 -- SPOOFE (SDnet)

Well, he did it. Virus-X came over to my house, and whupped my ass. There I was, baking some chocolate-chip-and-Ewok cookies, when lo and behold! a knock on my door. I opened it up, and there stood Virus-X, in all his glory! He was nine feet tall if he was an inch, he was, and decked out in full battle armor. "Art thou the fiendish Warsie fiend who so fiendishly taunted me, fiend?" "Aye," respondeth I. "Then thou dost know what is coming," said he. "Aye, I do," I cringed. He swung a mighty fist - each as large as a beer stein! - and copped me right in the jaw, he did. I went reeling and stumbled to the ground ten feet away, dazed and confused. "Now thou dost know the power of Star Trek," he intoned, his booming voice shaking the foundations of the very hills. "Each of my hands has the power of a Warp core behind it, and can easily rend this planet asunder! Thou and thy Star Destroyers know not the meaning of power!" And then he left, as suddenly as he arrived, leaving me to wonder: "Who was that masked man?" (*This message brought to you by the Alternate Reality Where Virus-X Isn't A Fucknut Society*)

Quote #1108 -- Frank Hipper describes SDnet in a nutshell

Beautiful. Seriously, this is outstanding. Where, in all the internet's depths, could you find a conversation that not only mocks a fool's credentials, lack of knowledge and honesty, and calls his hollow threats of violence, but also refrences cross-species anal sex and the dangers of peritonitus from 14 foot ejaculate stream of a dolphin, and all that in the context of Star Wars versus Star Trek. I really love this place!

Quote #1112 -- Wayne Poe

"Dalton" <daltonator@hotmail.com> wrote > What's that scraping sound? > > Oh, it's the stick in Kaz's ass scraping across the floor. You've been hanging around Kynes, haven't you?

Quote #1113 -- Björn Paulsen

On 03 jan 2004, "Chuck" <sonnspam@sfdebris.com> fashioned following prophecy while in the throes of religious ecstasy: > > "Tyralak" <Tyralak@SecureUndisclosedLocation.com> wrote in message > news:Xns9465416269A2Tyralak@216.168.3.44... >> >> Dalton <daltonator@hotmail.com> wrote in news:bt5gl9$3grpl$2@ID- >> 108940.news.uni-berlin.de: >> > >> > >> > Commander Raynor RayCav wrote: >> > >> >> >> >> ...thanks for the fish.... >> >> >> > >> > Later, kid. Make sure you remember to grow up. >> > >> > >> >> Ok. Somebody tell me what the HELL is going on. > > Well, let's see: First the earth cooled. And, then the dinosaurs came, > but they got too big and fat, so they all died, and they turned into > oil. And, then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And, > Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't > believe it, he took her best summer dress out of the closet, and put > it on, and went to town. And lo! there was born unto the Earth (or at least Hospital Bed) a child a special one. He looked upon the world and he cried out mightily, for there was a dearth of sarcasm as far as the eye could see, and from that moment, he made it his task to bolster the might of one-liners and quips against unforgiving normalcy of the world. And thus hither came Chuck, the Cimmerian, black-haired and sullen-eyed, bagel in hand, a Lump, a writer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandaled feet. And then he died. Of gangrene.

Quote #1114 -- Björn Paulsen

Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow. The Baron came unto the land, to the land, to the land, the Baron came unto the land and struck the girl a blow. Mary lay without her lamb, had no lamb, had no lamb. Mary lay there with no lamb, she did not see him go. The Baron was a naughty man, naughty man, naughty man. The Baron was a naughty man, as everyone did know. Mary found her little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary found her little lamb, where did its rectum go?

Quote #1115 -- Colin Brian Witz

[Context: Someone was impersonating Austin Sweevo at the time of this post...] "MKSheppard" <rrc3813@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:402486b0.55882906@News.CIS.DFN.DE... > On 6 Feb 2004 16:34:38 -0800, geraycav@yahoo.com (Commander Raynor > RayCav) wrote: >> >> <snip> >> > And once again, the adage about ASVS being a flytrap is proven right > again It's not a sticky trap it;s a fuckin singularity, not even the dead leave this place.

Quote #1120 -- NecronLord (SDnet)

We are the European Union. Lower your defences and surrender your sovereignty, you will be assimilated. We shall add you economical and cultural distinctiveness to our own. Your coinage will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.

Quote #1121 -- Metrion Cascade (SDnet)

Dorsk81 wrote: >*Frolics around the forum naked* PH34R Dorsk's dancing banana!

Quote #1122 -- Stormbringer (SDnet)

Ghost Rider wrote: > Eh as that...I doubt Daala really deserves anymore note(given the past failures > and the ridiculous plans she laid) Hey now, she's the best Imperial Commander the New Republic ever had!

Quote #1123 -- Publius (SDnet)

DarthSikle spewed: > The offical policy of LFL as explained by Sue Rostini in Star Wars Gamer #6, > is that all Star Wars literature is Canon unless it has the Infinitites labe. > There are no divergant or alternate time lines and that means that yes, Boba > Fett did indeed escape from the Sarlacc Pit three times No, asshole. That's the mantra from fucktards like you and your asswipe buddies that want to piss around the correct canon and official policy. Crawl back into the shithole you came from. --Lord Poe Publius later wrote... This, no doubt, is the distinction between the actual policy on canon and continuity and your interpretation thereof whereto the right honourable Lord Poe referred in his colourful and inimitable manner.

Quote #1124 -- Kuja (SDnet)

Stormbringer: Lately I've been having a fantasy of a certain some one laying under the christmas tree with nothing on but a few strategically placed ribbons. Alex Moon: Einy? Stormbringer: No. Kuja: Good. If I ever catch you fantasizing about someone else, I'll kick your ass.

Quote #1126 -- Darth Wong (SDnet)

anarchistbunny: THERE IS NO GOD! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IRG CommandoJoe: I thought you were an atheist? Darth Wong: No, he just invented his own god whose primary concern is pop culture.

Quote #1127 -- Zaia

DPDarkPrimus: Zaia, you're weird. Zaia: Why? Because I have cool parents who would find LEGO porn funny like I did?

Quote #1129 -- Pablo Sanchez

aerius: Well it does come off when you get circumcised, but I don't think we're all talking about the same banana. Pablo Sanchez: I'm talking about the fruit which is a close relative of the plantain, is commonly eaten in milkshakes or sundaes, and contains hefty amounts of vitamins and minerals. What's it called again? Oh, right... a "penis."

Quote #1131 -- kojikun (SDnet)

This sounds like a bad joke.. "How many Stardestroyers does it take to make a blackhole? Three; one to get compressed, the other to compress it, and a third to rub Trekwhores faces in the fact that the Empire has such awesome power."

Quote #1137 -- Tsyroc (SDnet)

Hethrir: Oh but you forget, us Aussies are immune to bacteria Tsyroc: Professional courtesy?

Quote #1138 -- Zaia (SDnet)

Oh, and by the way, it rather disturbs me to see my name as the last post in a thread with the word "dickgirls" in it. Disturbing in a compelling way, though, as you see that I am posting in here again. Hmmm. Freud? Comments?

Quote #1141 -- Col. Crackpot (SDnet)

SyntaxVorlon: It ought to taste like this: LICK SCREEN HERE Straha: EWWW, too sticky... Col. Crackpot: wipe the jizz off first

Quote #1143 -- InnerBrat (SDnet)

I was reading porn at work the other day and I got up to use the photocopier with a huge erection... BUT NOBODY NOTICED! CAUSE I'M A GIRL! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Quote #1147 -- Stuart Mackey

And lo..one day when SDN and spacebattles are but a dream within a dream and the minds of humankind rest on other frontiers and matters of other import, a whisper of the past shall come forth, from the darkest memories, the echos of a simpler time, the words of another time shall utter in the recess of our minds "you crack smoking donkey fucker! the navigational sheild does not stop turbolasers!"

Quote #1149 -- Darth Wong (SDnet)

JME2: If you were stuck on a desert island and could only have books/cd's/movies/video games related to one of these two universes, which one would you choose and why? Darth Wong: Star Trek. The sheer volume of crappy material might allow me to construct a raft.

Quote #1150 -- SyntaxVorlon (SDnet)

*rocks back and forth in fetal position* can't sleep, bush'll get a peace prize, can't sleep, bush'll get a peace prize

Quote #1151 -- Durandal (AIM)

Durandal: You know what? I ought to make a thread-closed picture with tits just to show you up Red Imperator: You're just pissed because you're getting whooped Durandal: You're god damn right I am Durandal: You add a caption of text to a picture and get 16 votes Durandal: I spend an hour or so tweaking an original creation until perfection, and I get 5 Durandal: Now I know how competent people who run for political office feel

Quote #1152 -- Alex Moon (SDnet)

DPDarkPrimus: How disheartening... at least gives me motivation for the job hunt. Alex Moon: Hehe. Employer: Why are interested in a waste management job, son? DPDP: Pussy, sir

Quote #1153 -- RedImperator (SDnet)

When you're sending a rebate form to a total stranger hundreds of miles away, don't abbreviate the Goddamn name of your street! Believe it or not, I haven't memorized the name of every crack alley and donkey trail in North America, so if you want to save your fucking five dollars, write the whole fucking name of your fucking street, otherwise it's getting tagged noncompliance and sent to The Bin. Good fucking luck then. While we're on the subject, a zip code has 5 digits, and they're all important. And make sure you get them in the right fucking order, for Christ's sake. And for fuck's sake, when you're trying to get total strangers to send you money, how about you write neat enough so that I can fucking read it? Here's the deal: if I can't decypher your sub-legible pen spasms after 15 seconds, you're getting tagged non-compliance and sent to the Bin. You want your fucking check, try not writing like a Parkinson's victim. Jesus fucking Christ. 4 years of college and $80,000, and this is my life.

Quote #1154 -- Alyrium Denryle (SDnet)

And winter set in, and there was no food, and they were forced to eat InnerBrat's lesbian virginity. And there was much rejoicing. *yay*

Quote #1156 -- David (SDnet)

Gandalf: What is this CoTK thing? David: Buntcha pussies [CotK = Cult of the Kitten <mew> ref. Sluggy Freelance --Ed.]

Quote #1157 -- Pablo Sanchez (SDnet)

Another note: The next meeting of the "We ASVSers Secretly Run the Board and Look Down Upon the Unitiated SD.net Plebians" (or WASVSSRBLDUUSDNP) will be in the St. Mark's church fellowship hall at 3 PM next sunday. On the agenda will proposals for a new club name, planning for Wednesday's bake sale, and a discussion of 17th Century Turkish Geopolitics with Marina O'Leary. Members are encouraged to bring a friend in order to establish a solid alibi.

Quote #1161 -- Pablo Sanchez (SDnet)

<snip FUQ suggestion> That was on Mad TV about five years ago. Justifier is lame for stealing it, and you're double-lame for posting it here. Some crippled midget (oh, wait, RDJ got his ass banned, we'll need to find the understudy) ought to dress both of you in flaxen orangutan costumes, chain you together, and set your asses on fire in front of the whole royal court. And see, I'm going to properly credit that post to Edgar Allen Poe's short story "Hop Frog" instead of retreading an old gag as my own. Because that's just the sort of honest fellow I am, folks. As for Dalton's admonition to only post funny things in this thread, most of you fruits are batting zero. Here's a hint: read everything that is posted by one "Pablo Sanchez." I am funny, I am sexy, and I smell nice. By comparison you are all blind savages wandering in the dust of your own unfunniness, except for Zaia and Innerbrat, to whom I'll extend the courtesy of a milder berating... I think I will call them "dastardly gypsies." If you want to be more like the incredible superhero that is Pablo Sanchez (aka Plastic Man) you should start by taking a bath. You bunch of mooks.

Quote #1162 -- Pablo Sanchez (SDnet)

The Yosemite Bear wrote: > Get off your high horse Sanchez, I would, but I'm too busy having sex with it. *rimshot*

Quote #1163 -- DPDarkPrimus (SDnet)

DPDarkPrimus: Wow, suddenly I admire Andy Rooney as more than a child-actor who got over the child-actor hump. Frank Hipper: Uhm, that would be Micky Rooney, Andy Rooney is a journalist who's been working since WWII. DPDarkPrimus: That's what I said. You must have misunderstood me because I couldn't enunciate with my foot in my mouth.

Quote #1164 -- Sharp-kun (SDnet)

Sharp-kun: This thread is the biggest disapointment of today. AALCS: That might have been the point. If you want a real sex thread, then make your own. Sharp-kun: I was expecting actual granny porn :(

Quote #1165 -- The Yosemite Bear (SDnet)

Jeremy: The actor who played Janeway is now talking in Ford commercials.... do they think this will encourage someone to buy? I hope they do not think it is sex appeal! The Yosemite Bear: great now the onboard navigation computer will get you stuck out in the middle of no where....

Quote #1166 -- Angie the Chiss lord (SDnet)

Angie the Chiss lord: Give me one good reason why I should want to remain a human Lazy Raptor: Because you have no choice? Angie the Chiss lord: that reason isn't good enough, I could paint myself blue if i wanted to and officially denounce my humanity Angie the chiss lord: I originally intended to show my admiration towards Grand Admiral Thawn by the way Grand Admiral Thawn what did you mean by "What the fuck?"

Quote #1168 -- Psycho Smiley (SDnet)

Einhander Sn0m4n: AAAAGH!! TOO BIG! TOO BIG!!! Psycho Smiley: Damn! Never thought I'd hear you say that! ;)

Quote #1169 -- Peregrin Toker

Bob McDob: Aw, I was hoping this would be some sexual fetish about a manhore who dresses up in an SS suit and recites from Mein Kampf while screwing : Peregrin Toker: [mantra] Must... avoid... making fun of MKSheppard... [/mantra]

Quote #1170 -- InnerBrat (SDnet)

InnerBrat: *mental note to look up and try the Presidential Position* verilon: According to sexualpositionsfree.com (don't you dare ask) there is no presidential position.. InnerBrat: Well, that's something to invent, then, isn't it?

Quote #1172 -- Mutant Headcrab (SDnet)

[Context: What caused the resonance cascade in Half-Life?] Well, speaking as one who origionally hails from the multi-dimensional border world of Xen, I feel that I can perfectly explain what caused the accident. You see, it was a very lonely day for Bob the Garg. Garg was so lonely that he called up the pizza guy just to talk. To make a long story short Bob ended up ordering a pizza and charged it to the great Nihilanth. When the Nihilanth found this out, he got so pissed that he released an incredibly large amount of psychic energy at Bob the Garg. Coincidentally Freeman put the crystal thingy into the Anti-Mass Spectrometer. This somehow created a reverse sub-polarized psychometric tachyon burst stream that opened the portal. Bob the Garg lived and had a wonderful time eating pizza.

Quote #1173 -- Howedar (SDnet)

Darth Zod: actually the phoenix was powered by warp drive. Howedar: That's like saying a car is powered by wheels.

Quote #1174 -- Durandal (SDnet)

Rogue 9: Oh yeah, we all fear your elite sniping skills. Whatever. Durandal: Dear fucking God, I agree with you.

Quote #1175 -- fgalkin (SDnet)

Spanky The Dolphin: I almost can't believe that this started from you complaining that you didn't like the size of Milla Jovovich's tits. fgalkin: Only on SDN will a discussion of a kickass movie turn into a discussion of Milla's rack (or lack thereof).

Quote #1177 -- Kuja (SDnet)

Dalton: or that I'm a Wookiee Jedi or something :) Kuja: *imagines* DALTON: Hrrrwan? WONG: My donuts they are! Have them, you may not! DALTON: Kaaaaarrrrrrnnn! WONG: Mine! *begins fending off Dalton with cane* Mine mine mine mine mine!

Quote #1178 -- Innerbrat (SDnet)

It's not a good party with we don't break a few laws. At least I'm not standing under the Wookiee.

Quote #1179 -- Col. Crackpot (SDnet)

Rogue 9: I'm with THE GREAT LEADER. This guy is a farce, a joke, and a walking insult to the military. Col. Crackpot: Sea Skimmer's proctologist called, you can pick up your nose anytime after 4:00.

Quote #1180 -- Wayne Poe

Wayne on Wiccans: Tell her to shave her armpits, trim her bush, and thank the Goddess that trees don't have noses.

Quote #1182 -- RogueIce (SDnet)

Rogue 9: If you'll notice I noted that I'd rather see him banned before Sea Skimmer posted in the thread, so piss off. RogueIce: Obviously, even if we did notice, we didn't care. This is the FUQ, not a debate. Cry me a river. Whether or not you build a bridge to get over it, I don't care. :P

Quote #1183 -- Winston Blake (SDnet)

Star Trek: Idiot #222 The Wrath of Wong "...At the end of the fanboy's universe lies the beginning of humiliation..."

Quote #1184 -- verilon (SDnet)

YT3e5: You mean after her exposure to the board, Zaia still has honour? Whoa... verilon: Honour and dignity are two different things, YT.. ;)

Quote #1188 -- Admiral Valdemar (SDnet)

[On Metal Gear Solid] Snake is dead. He is not invading the jungle compound as we speak. Allah will roast his guts on an open fire in hell. I say again, Snake is nowhere near here. *Cardboard box passes behind the Iraqi Information Minister*

Quote #1189 -- Admiral Valdemar

C.S.Strowbridge wrote: >> J?e Cr?mp wrote: >> I think you're a fucking troll cause you have a fucking small penis. > > I must be out of the loop, I used to think it was chiefly down to lack > of any grey matter. That's also a factor. But if they're dumb but have at least a 2 inch dick, at least they can masturbate till they calm down. It works for monkeys.

Quote #1190 -- Ace Pace (SDnet)

Einhander Sn0m4n: Wow, I have no idea how, but all my health problems I've been having the past few days are GONE! W00tah! Ace Pace: I don't care how you did it, but do the same thing to my ass.

Quote #1192 -- Lord Pounder (SDnet)

Ghost Rider: aside from that...nothing much, but if you start linking naked 90 year old screwing donkeys, only Straha will give you sweet lovin. Straha: LIBEL! LIES! SLANDER! I WOULD DO NO SUCH THING!!!!! >:-( Lord Pounder: Vile Deciver! *stomps out of the thread in his best drama queen fashion*

Quote #1194 -- Kuja (SDnet)

Ace Pace: Still, at least I got in the FUQ ;) Zaia: Maybe you did, maybe you didn't; it's all up to Dalton. He is the God of FUQing, after all. *smokes cigarette* ;) Col. Crackpot: exactly! how else would donuts get all those holes? Kuja: The cream filling's gotta come from somewhere, after all... [I hate you all. --Ed.]

Quote #1195 -- Kuja (SDnet)

WONG: Excitement, heh! Adventure, heh! A Jedi craves not these things. KUJA: *snore* *WONG raps KUJA with his cane* KUJA: Huh? Oh, right, excitement and adventure, when do we get to that? WONG: In the hall, you will wait! *KUJA leaves. WONG pulls out a bong and takes a hit* WONG: I cannot train him. VOICE: You must. WONG: This one...long have I watched. He is reckless! VOICE: So was I, if you remember. KUJA: *leaning against the door* Who the fuck is he talking to? *the door opens* WONG: Too old! Yes, too old to begin the training! *KUJA slips WONG a copy of "Twi'lek Anal Orgy 16"* WONG: ...to the Jedi, I welcome you, Padawan Kuja! KUJA: Great!

Quote #1196 -- Ghost Rider (SDnet)

Kuja rushes into Zaia's arms. He embraces the fullness of her lips with his own. Her entices his mind with the sweet smell of her hair. "Kuja" a voice behind him calls out. He continues his passionate embrace, ignoring the small distant voice, nipping down her neck. "Kuja!" the voice behind him now yells. He turns and sees Derith standing there, his arms crossed. "Yeeeess?" "I understand, your love for furry things, but kissing Master Dalton is not going to get you any bonus points." Kuja laughed as he fumbled with his hands in 'Zaia' hair. It did seem more course then he remembered. He also didn't remember any her ever having such a disctinct breath. He turned as the world comes flooding in, and sees a large growling wookiee staring at him and remembered an old tale of arm ripping.

Quote #1199 -- DPDarkPrimus (SDnet)

I mean, at least people who have buttsex trying to have a child know that you have to insert Lever A into Slot B. Of course, if you're having sex for reasons besides (or including) childbirth, then Lever A would also most likely be trying to reach Spot G.

Quote #1201 -- Darth Wong (SDnet)

MKSheppard wrote: > Thank you. That's an interesting way of saying it........the Shep....like I'm > some sort of inanimate object :lol: The Shep is not really a person so much as a state of mind. Sort of like Zen, but with guns.

Quote #1204 -- Superintendent Pablo Sanchez (SDnet)

"Miss O'Leary, I have heard many great things about your... academic abilities. I feel that we should--how do you say?--get to know one another better." "You're too old and too male for me." "Do not decide so... uh... what is word? It is like fast but it is the adverb?" "'Quickly.'" "We have the many things in common, do not be dismissing me so quickly." "What could we possibly have in common?" "We are both into chicks."

Quote #1205 -- Thirdfain (SDnet)

GrandAdmiralPrawn: Godzilla vs his weight in chimps. But you see, the chimps are all hopped up on PCP, armed with adamantium butcher knives, and are being mind controlled by Emperor Palpatine. Thirdfain: Are you high?

Quote #1206 -- Lonestar (SDnet)

[Thread: Library of Alexandria Discovered!] Damn beat me to it. Had a Great title, too. "Library of Alexandria found; Egypt gains lots of techs known to other civilizations"

Quote #1208 -- DMZ

C.S.Strowbridge wrote: > Commander Raynor RayCav wrote: >> Tyralak wrote: >> >>>From what I've read, this makes "The Core" look like "Citizen Kane" >> >> That's physically impossible, for _any_ movie. > > He's got it backwards, "The Core" makes "The Day After Tomorrow" look > like "Citizen Kane." I'm not quite sure what this means, does it imply that _both_ films are worse than each other, possibly dissapearing into a singularity of awfulness that Ebert and Roeper would need non-euclidean thumbs to deal with? Cthulhu: "I would not deem to eat this films' brain. Cthulhu gives it one tentacled monstrosity writhing in the dimensional configuration signified by black Carcosa in the Hyades." Nyarlathotep: "You always were soft on disaster movies, Cthulhu, I give it one shadowy hand that is not a hand pointed directly away from the axis of the stars. It sucked." Or something.

Quote #1212 -- Lord Edam de Fromage

> In article <ieiNc.1123$_12.259@newsfe4-gui.ntli.net>, > rob.wn5getridofthis@ntlworld.com says... > >> Lord edam wrote: >> >> "the evil Sith are sworn enemies of the Jedi, the saber-wielding >> knights whose numbers include Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke >>> Skywalker" >> >> How can ANYONE with even a passing interest in entertainment get to >>> 2004 and fuck it up so royally? > > Is Elim writing for yahoo news these days? > :-P " In the new film, Jedi Knight Darth Vader returns to his home town of Tatoin and gets into a fight with someone called Mos Eisely. Luke Skywalker's older brother Anakin is killed trying to protect the sister he didn't know was carrying his children, former Queen and Senator Leia. C3P0(who is nowhere near as advanced as Star Trek's Data) gets left on a scrap heap for some kid to re-build him twenty years previously. This is Anton Polinga, for Yahoo News, very very confused "

Quote #1213 -- Spyderizer

mike3 wrote: > The 1e29 J figure for the Death Star reactor explosion is not a > theory, or a guess, or an assertion, it is CANON. As the good guys are escaping from the Death Star... Engineer: Don't shoot, I'm just an engineer! Han: Alright you can live. *Han turns to leave* Engineer: Before you go, would you like to know a little bit more about this Death Star? Han: Would I! Please tell me more. Engineer: This space station is roughly the size of Coruscant's second moon, also did you know that if someone were to detonate the main reactor it would give off ten to the power of twenty nine joules of energy? Han: No, I did not. That was incredibly facinating. You have helped broaden my horizons. Thank you kind sir. Engineer: You're welcome stranger. Please come back soon if you want to learn anything more about our Death Star. Have a lovely day.

Quote #1227 -- verilon

I got to talk to [Zaia] last night on phone. Yay. But now have to steam clean apartment. Not yay.

Quote #1230 -- Chardok doesn't think much of Bjork

One time I was eating haggis in my stoop. Then a bird came in a shit on it. I got pissed off at the bird and threw my plate of haggis at it. The bird dodged the plate and it continued to sail out into the wild blue yonder, landing in a pile of Cow shit. Farme joe didn't like that I fooked up his shitpile with my haggis and bird shit, so he threw the plate back at me. I ducked to avoid the plate and it shattered against the wall, spraying Haggis and 2 different kinds of shit all over my stoop. I didn't clean it up. 3 days later the haggis was a festering swarm of maggots. when I awoke on the third day and spied the swirling mass of shitty haggis, I had a thought. "Wow. I'd sooner date that plate of shitty haggis than Bjork."

Quote #1235 -- Patrick Degan

I've tended toward the vampire theory myself. It explains why Cheney disappears to "undisclosed locations" (his crypt) and why he is never seen when or where direct sunlight would strike him, or has never been observed where Vice Presidents are usually found ?at funerals (hallowed ground). It would also provide the best explanation for the unholy degree of control he evidently exerts over this White House. I always thought it obvious that Dick Cheney was actually one of the Undead.

Quote #1237 -- RedImperator (SDnet)

Once it became apparent that the Christians were NOT going to participate in the emperor cult, that was the final straw. Had the Christians been more flexible and allowed their membership to venerate the emperors as a civil act, the Romans probably would have tolerated it, but advocating what amounts to treason on the say-so of some silly shepherd god you stole from a real religion last week is not somthing calculated to draw a good response from Rome.

Quote #1239 -- Darth Wong (SDnet)

LadyTevar wrote: > We also had several accounts of MiBs, who would consume massive amounts of > sugar, and act like they'd never seen common household devices before. They also > spoke English as if it was a second language. I've heard of those too. We call them "rednecks" :D

Quote #1242 -- Elfdart (SDnet)

I understand Cornyn and Santorum high-fived each other after a meeting. They should be glad the Supreme Court overturned the sodomy laws, since before the ruling they could have faced jail time. Under the sodomy laws, it was illegal for an asshole to be touched by a prick.

Quote #1243 -- Durandal (SDnet)

Col. Olrik wrote: > What about if the girl invites me to her appartment after a day together to > have drinks, what does that mean? For ten hours, with candle lights? And what > does it mean if the girl asks me late in the night, and while touching my leg > with hers, if I shave every day, and then proceeds to ask me if I believe in > love? What does that mean (specially the shaving part)? What am I entitled to > think? If you don't fuck this woman, I will kill myself. That's what it means.

Quote #1244 -- Durandal (SDnet)

Crown wrote: > I liked DS9 up until the point it became a poor facsimilie of B5 and the whole > prophets vs park wraiths (like I care if I spelt that right) bullshit stunk it > up to high heaven. Yeah, god damn Park Wraiths. Always running around parks, mucking things up, stepping on the flowers, smoking weed at 2 in the morning. No good assholes.

Quote #1245 -- Rye (SDnet)

jmac wrote: > Now why would I trade my beautiful boobs for an ugly pair of balls and a penis? To hold 3 towels at once?

Quote #1246 -- Shadow WarChief (SDnet)

I think he's creepy as fuck. I'd have made this thread a week ago but it kept slipping my mind. For one, his face looks like it's made out of melted wax. 2- An old man can't move like that, it's just not fucking natural. 3-The bus...oh god the bus....the way he's dancing in front of it it's just like "Hey kids, jump onto my bus while I dance here AND THINK ABOUT THE BEST WAY, TO FILET YOU! WITH THE CHAINSAW OR WITH THE MEAT CLEAVER? I MUST FEAST UPON YOUR YOUNG VIRGIN BLOOD!" Everytime I see that god damn advertisement it's like I want to the nearest weapon and take a defensive posture because I'm horrified that melted son of a bitch is going to jump out of the TV and start eating my face.

Quote #1248 -- Pablo Sanchez

Now, come on. Just because something is offensive it doesn't mean it can't go into the FUQ. Many truly horrible things have been said and still been placed in that repository of teh funny. Not few of them are in my name. Of course, that only goes if the submitted quote is funny. And it isn't. It's... how should I put it? Ribald. Amusing and uncommon. But it rates a 5.0 on the funny scale, at best. The original quote about rescuing panties, that's a 8.0. Damn funny. But this is only funny to extent that a juvenile type can giggle and say "tee-hee, he's talking about underwear!" (For those following along at home who are curious about what rates a 10.0 on the funny scale... nothing rates that high.) You may ask "Who is Pablo to decide what is and what is not funny? And where did he get that dashing top-hat? It really sets off his eyes." Well, I can't really answer those questions. Actually, I can answer the second question. I found it lodged in a storm drain yesterday, and I think the brown stain is chocolate. I hope it's chocolate.

Quote #1249 -- Stofsk (SDnet)

> Bugger that the Scimitar still had thurster didn't it? the E-E was screwed > wasn't it? The Scimitiar simply could have backed away to torpedeo range. This is where we let you in on a stunning relevation: the movie sucked monkey balls through a straw.

Quote #1250 -- RedImperator (SDnet)

LEIA: Governor RedImperator, I should have expected to find you holding Durandal's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board. REDIMPERATOR: Charming to the last. You don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life! LEIA: I surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself! REDIMPERATOR: Princess Leia, before your execution I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this battle station operational. No forum will dare oppose the Moderators now. LEIA: The more you tighten your grip, RedImperator, the more star systems will slip through your fingers. REDIMPERATOR: Not after we demonstrate the power of this station. In a way, you have determined the choice of the thread that will be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the spam, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power... on your home forum of Off Topic. LEIA: No! Off Topic is peaceful. We have no trolls. You can't possibly... REDIMPERATOR: You would prefer another target? A military target? Then name the forum! RedImperator waves menacingly toward Leia. REDIMPERATOR: I grow tired of asking this. So it'll be the last time. Where is the spam? Leia overhears an intercom voice announcing the approach to Off Topic. LEIA: (softly) The Hall of Shame. Leia lowers her head. LEIA: They're in the Hall of Shame. REDIMPERATOR: There. You see Lord Durandal, she can be reasonable. (addressing Zaia) Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready. LEIA: What? REDIMPERATOR: You're far too trusting. The Hall of Shame is too remote to make an effective demonstration. But don't worry. We will deal with your spammer friends soon enough. LEIA: No! INTERIOR: MODERATOR FORUM. DURANDAL: Commence primary ignition. A button is pressed which switches on a panel of lights. A hooded Moderator soldier reaches overhead and pulls a lever. Another lever is pulled. Durandal reaches for still another lever and a bank of lights on a panel and wall light up. A huge beam of light emanates from within a cone-shaped area and converges into a single laser beam out toward Off Topic. The small green thread "Death Star not destroyed after all!" is locked.

Quote #1251 -- Xenophobe (SDnet)

Howedar wrote: > SirNitram wrote: >> Hell, he'd probably pull some of the Liberal vote, as long as he stood by some >> social liberal issues. > > Are you kidding? He could probably beat a Roosevelt-zombie. But the comedy value of a Roosevelt-zombie candidate would be hilarious. "In the face of these terrorist attacks, the only thing we have to fear is BRAAAAAAAAAAAINS!!!"

Quote #1255 -- Patrick Degan (SDnet)

Augustus wrote: > What one, single action or thing would it take for you to even equally consider > supporting Bush and or change you perception of him for the better? Massive brain damage.

Quote #1256 -- Darth Wong (SDnet)

Can you imagine Axis Kast talking about, say, handicapped parking spots? This is how I imagine it would go: "Your naive interpretation of handicapped parking spots notwithstanding, even the most cursory evaluation of history will reveal that people invariably act in their own interests. And there is no personal self-interest in observing the pointless exercise of avoiding these handicapped parking spots when they serve our purposes. Indeed, the very notion of applying ethics or morality to something like driving is simply absurd. Look around you at the other drivers and you will see that none of them respect any of these ridiculous rules. Other drivers are reckless, ignorant, and foolish. The culture of driving is, in fact, so pervasively permeated by lawlessness and contempt for principles that borders on anarchy. Something you would realize if you were not so naive and so blinded by your hatred for people who park in handicapped parking spots. In effect, by demanding that we respect these spots, you propose to cripple us and deny us the best parking spots while the other drivers take them at leisure! I don't know what kind of insane driving method you use, but I'm glad you are not at the wheel of my car."

Quote #1258 -- Chardok (SDnet)

DPDarkPrimus: Chardok, your haikus suck so much, they aren't even three verse (5, 7, 5 syllables). Chardok: Hey, I have an idea, cock: Try this maneuver: Take 50-60 paces backwards. Take several deep breaths. Sprint forward at full speed. Do a triple summersault through the air, and disappear up your own asshole.

Quote #1259 -- Patrick Degan (SDnet)

Weird shit can happen in baseball, granted that an asskicking of what's supposed to be one of the best teams in the game doesn't happen often. The Indians are vying for that AL wildcard slot, and now Boston, which was so far down in the pennant race after the All-Star break that it seemed unrealistic to even consider them contenders, are closing in on Steinbrenner's stumbling multimillion dollar team. That said... BWAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA FUCK THE YANKEES HA HA HA HA!

Quote #1261 -- Spanky the Dolphin (SDnet)

Well, the cum's not gonna come out of the penis by itself. I'm gonna go.

Quote #1264 -- SirNitram

Einhander Sn0m4n: Mine's longer ;) Darth Garden Gnome: *monocle falls into nearby glass of water* I dare say, have you just challenged Nitram's manhood? SirNitram: He is longer. Mine is wider. By calculating the volumetric displacement, we're about the same. Besides, should I feel challenged? Ein fucks men. I fuck women. There's not much chance for competition, with the exception of Rye.

Quote #1266 -- Iceberg

Don't you know? Big states aren't populated by people, they're populated by LiberalBots(tm). That's why we still have small states being elevated over large ones, to keep the LiberalBots from overruling the decent, conservative Christian Men(tm).

Quote #1273 -- Darth Garden Gnome

Fin D'ah Gub: Hmmm... so being drunk doesn't help? *puts beer down* ... damn. Darth Garden Gnome: I'm guessing being stupid doesn't help either. *puts brain down* ... damn.

Quote #1274 -- Pablo Sanchez

His positions are that the Democratic Party should return to its dixicratic roots, and that he should be legally entitled to hunt Chris Matthews for sport. Honestly, the man is such a cartoonish character that Buzzflash's scurrilous remark is in better taste than his own current career.

Quote #1275 -- Pablo Sanchez

Admiral_Handsome: If handled incorecctly, the recoil from a magnum revolver is enough to break a man's wrist. Pablo Sanchez: It was not a magnum revolver, the first magnum cartridge was developed in 1912 for hunting purposes, and would have been quite out of place in a "Western" holodeck simulation. Furthermore, the only way that a heavy pistol's recoil would break a man's wrist is if he were Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable; or perhaps "incorrect handling" refers to some method of handling a pistol with which I am utterly unfamiliar. Maybe firing the pistol while simultaneously bashing one's wrist with a hammer?

Quote #1277 -- Lagmonster

Logging in to Stardestroyer.net is like walking in and out of a room which is, basically, the same room in the same building containing the same people, but which drastically changes costumes, furniture, activities and decorations every time you wander in. And you get to this room, and yesterday it was Victorian circus, and you think, "Neat. Today there's a painting of a naked Smurf on the wall and Old West deco everywhere and Stormbringer is dressed as a mongoose and oh, yes, Durandal is on a pygmy hippo jumping through a flaming hoop". And you back out slowly and hope the next time you come in the scenery is somewhat in line with something you can wrap your head around.* *Note: This post may be fucking irrelevant.

Quote #1279 -- Darth Wong

Durandal wrote: > My victory was inevitable. *Checks monitors* Oh no, Durandal's ego is growing at an exponential rate. The rate of volumetric increase is not keeping pace with the rate of mass increase ... the density is rising ... his ego is turning into a singularity! MY GOD, HIS EGO WILL CONSUME US ALL!!!!!!!!

Quote #1287 -- Aron Kerkhof

Subject: [OT] Ever feel like a real tool? I do. A lot, actually. Most recent example: I've just spent the last 24 hours trying to figure out why in the hell my messages weren't being posted to the group. I've searched google. I've checked settings, I've been to both comcast and giganews and poured through FAQs. I thought maybe my firewall was killing it, so I played with that and resent my message twice more. I logged onto Google to see if the message showed up there but not on my servers. I was *this* close to breaking down and calling support, when I noticed it had my name as "nobody" in the system settings. Sure enough, some dumbass named "nobody" has posted three identical messages in the last 24 hours. Hardy-har-har. And some of you trust me to host your websites.

Quote #1288 -- DMZ

Dalton <daltonator@hotmail.com> wrote in news:2pnni4Fmtcr3U1@uni-berlin.de: > SHAKKmaster wrote: > >> Does anyone know how to get Kazaa Lite K++ to work on a >> college network? > > Find the sysadmin and insert a mind-control chip into his > brain. > > Otherwise, good luck getting around the port blocks and > bandwidth caps. Speaking as a sysadmin, if I were in control of said college network and was asked about getting a P2P client to work on it, I'd recommend you investigate the following two areas: Air conditioning units: Good 42,000BTU industrial grade portable air conditioners should set you back about $7000 apiece. Biotechnology: Specifically genetics. You'll want to avoid simple crossbreeding to obtain a hybrid - Newman and Rifkin's method for creating chimera through gene splicing showed promise. Finally, when you've managed to get hell to freeze over and pigs to fly, I'd tell you to get back to me.

Quote #1289 -- Aron Kerkhof

On Tue, 09 Nov 2004 23:05:52 +1300, Spyderizer <no@spam.com> wrote: >Voice of Vader: Bill Cosby Vader: Son. The Emperor has sent me here, to shoot you in the face, with a bazooka. Luke. Uh-huuuh. Vader: Do you know why? Luke: I don't know. Vader: Is it because you're strong in the force, and may become a powerful ally? Luke: Uh-huuuuh. Vader: Then why didn't you say so when I just asked? Luke: I don't know!

Quote #1290 -- Spyderizer

Chuck wrote: > Damn you, fickle whims of fate that force me to only have one chance at > replying to this ripe post! Aw, what the hell. I'm glad I wasn't the only one thinking that. Replying to Mike3's posts is becoming a surreal experience that to get the most from you have to put in some forethought and preparation. One could literally spend hours trying to envisage the best possible response to the madness. Do we concentrate more on the logical flaws? Do we concentrate on the stupidity? Do we continue to flog the stubbornness and the consistent failure to carry out a self announced leaving? Perhaps we should focus more on the immaturity or perhaps the failure to grasp the very concept that when the number of people that don't like you reach triple digits that perhaps there may be something you're doing wrong? Above all else, what is the best possible way we can point out all these flaws while delivering maximum impact? Yes, replying to Mike3 is fast becoming both an art and a science.

Quote #1291 -- Spyderizer

Al Smith wrote: >> OK, which is better: Star Trek or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? > > Definitely Trek. No calories. Plus, peanut butter and jelly get all over you. > I've never known Trek to leave my fingers sticky. (...) You're obviously not a Trekkie.

Quote #1292 -- Aron Kerkhof

C.S.Strowbridge wrote: > You know, I didn't actually invalidate your vote cause your first post > wasn't inflamatory. But since you told me to suck it I've changed my mind. Ah, but as such an inscrutible opponent, you leave me with a myriad of possibilites. Since you said you invalidated my vote before, but didn't, should I believe that you now are telling the truth and really invalidated it? Especially since the results have already been released, and we don't get to see the tabulations anyway? Its a schrodenger-esque paradox. If the vote is still in the box, have you in fact sucked my cock yet? Until the box is opened, its unknowable. So, should you even take offense at something you may or may not have done? I leave that for you to decide.

Quote #1293 -- Stravo

aerius: You know what's even more horrible than the fact that this goes on. Its the fact that the prior attempts at legislation stalled in the legislature. I mean if there ever was something bipartisan that all could agree with its necrophilia for fuck's sake. What was the holdup?! Stravo: I guess some people must've had skeletons in their closets.

Quote #1294 -- Darth Wong

Rogue 9: Might I point out that "chick flick" and "good" are mutually exclusive terms? ;) Darth Wong: And you wonder why you're still a virgin.

Quote #1295 -- PrinceofLowLight

My dream is to someday create a Metallic dragon for all the metals on the periodic table and a Chromatic dragon for every color in the 32-bit color pallet. Come on, who wants to see the majestic Seaborgium Dragon square off against the dreaded #C37D22 Dragon?

Quote #1296 -- Kuja

See Shep, you're the ferocious chained beast in the third subbasement of city hall consiting of a concrete bunker and an sealed pressure door with the label "LAST RESORT ONLY"

Quote #1297 -- Xenophobe3691

No no no no no. The most powerful race is...The Authors. They're the ones who determine what the hell happen in the Universe in question, and it all happens according to their whim. Do not underestimate an Author, for he can cause whole multiverses to die and shrivel if he hasn't gotten laid lately...

Quote #1298 -- LordShaithis

Jaina Solo: Oprah Winfrey Jacen Solo: Wayne Newton Anakin Solo: Britney Spears Han Solo: Dom DeLuise Leia: A slightly stale biscuit Tahiri: An autographed photo of Richard Simmons Tsavong Lah: Bill Murray Kyp Durron: Three chimps duct-taped together Shimraa: A shaved ox wearing a Spiderman mask Jag Fel: River Phoenix

Quote #1301 -- Ender

Vympel: That's pretty tasteless guys. Ender: This place has mass genocide by BDZ advocated as a valid tactic; has discussed the pros and cons of completely eradicating the middle east with nuclear weapons; talks about sodomizing people with railguns; where we have a thread dedicated to tasteless unPC wisecracks; and had Raycav as a memeber for many months. But my statement of what I honestly thought when I read the title of a thread about a person who has shown us nothing but contempt, who lacks any form of intergity, to whom ethics and professionalism are foreign concepts, who is slimier than an eel and referring to as a weasel would be an insult to animals is in the "tasteless" zone? If so, fine; I was out of line. But I would sincerely appreciate an explanation as to how that crossed the boundaries and how the others didn't. Otherwise, here's some Tabasco, maybe that will help.

Quote #1302 -- SirNitram

Durandal: The MSNBC internet poll is 70/30 in favor of Kerry. The CNN internet poll is about 80/20 in favor of Kerry. But those polls aren't the most reliable. Still, that's a pretty huge disparity. SirNitram: Definately wait for Gallup. As much as I like CNN, 80/20 isn't happening until you run Robo-Clinton vs. a clone of Hitler.

Quote #1303 -- Gil Hamilton

Boy, I'm glad we are spectators watching from millions of lightyears away, rather than neighbors. "Astronomers announced today that they've detected an intense burst of x-ray radiation coming from an exploding star fifty lightyears away. 'I'd wear something lead over your crotch, say a prayer, and hold a hotdog on a stick toward the sky', the astronomers from NASA announced, uncryptically, from their new headquarters in a depleted uranium walled bunker under Mount McKinley."

Quote #1304 -- Darth Wong

Darth Wong: But if you're an asshole and you can afford it, you'll buy an SUV. Ma Deuce: Or a Beamer. Every singly BMW owner I've ever met(including my uncle) is an asshole... Darth Wong: How about a BMW SUV? It's the ultimate asshole-mobile. I think the manual even has "How to care for your new Asshole-Mobile" printed on the cover.

Quote #1305 -- Raxmei

Gandalf: You think I can get myself off in 5 minutes? Raxmei: yes Phantasee: I can. Gandalf: Nope, 30+ minutes every time. Raxmei: do you take yourself out to dinner and a movie first?

Quote #1307 -- Colin Brian Witz

http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/world/russia/images/t90_3.jpg Well sherrif Rosco just found out that them Duke boys had traded in the General Lee for something with a little more horse power after they did their stint in the gulf....

Quote #1309 -- Spyder

Jesus on a stick, would you look at the kinds of people these forums are breeding? Can we really allow these people out in public? Somebody think of the children!

Quote #1310 -- Spoofe

MGS: You can kill people, and eat snakes. GTA: You can do all that, and everything else. Except eating snakes. Damn. I've been yearning for a snake-eating video game ever since Nintendo's classic 8-bit platformer, Let's Eat Some Fucking Snakes, Bitch! That game showed that there was very little market for a snake-eating game... let's hope this new snake-eating game will turn that trend around. In fact, I bet Nintendo will go back to its original snake-eating roots and put out Super Mario Slither Chomp, or maybe The Legend Of Zelda: The Snake-Eating of Time, but they won't be as good as the snake-eating of MGS. Did I mention that you can eat snakes? Don't wanna miss that snake-eating, there. Which, need I remind you, you can't do in GTA.

Quote #1311 -- Storm Trooper of Death

Dalton: What are you talking about? Halo 2? Storm Trooper of Death: HEATHEN!! And yes, Halo 2. Which is god incarnate. They're Jesus discs.

Quote #1312 -- Kuroneko

Alferd Packer: I considered the being to be two dimensional, but able to perceive and move in three dimensions. If at one end at one end of body are his head and mouth, then would he not be able to maneuver in such a way as to be able to intersect his head with his mouth and eat it? I pictured a perfectly flat sheet of paper, with one end rolled up in a circle so tightly that it essentially intersects itself at the same point it departs the XY plane. I then extended this to a three dimensional person able to move in four dimensions. Could he not, through a manner similar to above, eat his own head? Or, at the very least, bite it? Or am I missing something? Kuroneko: Mr. Packer, thank you for your concern. The issue of accidental self-cannibalization of one's head was perceived to be a significant concern for those who work in multi-dimensional areas of mathematics, and has been thoroughly investigated. It was found that there is little danger in public spaces as long as one is careful to do no operation that significantly reduces the rigidity of the head, as processes like the one you describe above are only possible for non-rigid bodies. Cases of auto-biting may occur in spaces with peculiar metrics or topologies, which is why novices are advised to steer clear of those areas.

Quote #1313 -- Björn Paulsen

Doubtful, but a fun picture. I shudder to think of how they'd market the thing. It'd be like selling one of those vintage chromed cars whose sleek-yet-quaint looks disguise the fact that it has exactly two and a half cylinders and draws a gallon of petrol every other second. Sorry, that analogy wasn't quite correct - I meant _nitroglycerine_, of course. At least you can take comfort in the fact that the fuel tank's deep - that's because most of the nitro is kept in a secondary chamber that doubles as a shock absorber housing. But worry not - fickle fate will not betray you. As long as the engine's running, the highly volatile fuel is kept in place by powerful electronic magnets. Nothing can go wrong... - go wrong... - go wrong... Hell, I'm convinced now - I'd buy one just for the excitement it'd bring me. Every single day would be bright and gleaming, every hour'd see me alive with the incredible thrill of constantly surviving insurmountable odds. Cause as long as I'm still alive aboard the bridge of the Sovereign, I _know_ I'm one lucky bastard. It'd be sweet.

Quote #1314 -- Cyborg Stan

TIE Oppressor, Aggressor, Decimator? Why would anybody decide to name fighters like that? What's next, "I am a Bad Guy" bumper stickers as a requirement? Or maybe the "TIE Rapist"?

Quote #1315 -- Rob Wilson

Rob Wilson: I'm betting it's Chardok who's wearing white at the wedding... you think he's going to wear a veil or just a tiara? :D Ghost Rider: Tiara...I just don't see Viggo going for the viel look on his bitch. :D Rob Wilson: True. You reckon he's been protecting the 'One Ring' for his Wedding night?

Quote #1316 -- Chardok

Chardok: My God Is Samuel L. "Motherfucking" Jackson BorkHAL: That's it. Your 72 hour pass is revoked, Chardok. Report to the motherfucking nooch.

Quote #1317 -- Darth Wong

Darth Wong wrote: Robert, I seriously wonder if you're getting dumber by the day. Alyeska wrote: You have a real way with making friends Mike. :S Darth Wong wrote: I prefer smart friends.

Quote #1318 -- Sir Nitram

Dennis Toy: near explosions but only actually 2 times did the enterprise-D exploded Sir Nitram: It is worth noting if a ship is destroyed by explosion twice, something is wrong somewhere.

Quote #1320 -- Darth Wong

Kreshna Aryaguna Nurzaman: The lack of pockets is one thing, but everytime I see those spandex, form-fitting "military" TNG uniforms, I couldn't help but frown; what if the person wearing it get a sudden erection? I mean, how would he hide it from the surrounding peers? Darth Wong: These are Roddenberry-ized men you're talking about. They don't get erections unless they're either possessed by evil spirits or influenced by some kind of strange radiation. I think they reproduce by using transporters to beam their lifeless sperm into their wives' dry vaginas.

Quote #1321 -- Beowulf

SirNitram: Dunno about the Cali system, but I see it range from 'Low' to 'High' on the East Coast. Then again, we get shitloads more rain. Master of Ossus: That warning system operates on a regional level, here. Every spring, though, one day the news tells us that fire officials are saying the state is at an unusually high risk for wildfires, this year. 8) Stormbringer: Well, that's what happens when you live in the most flammable state in the union. I mean really, the only time California isn't having some horrendous fire is when it's sliding into the Pacific Ocean. :D Beowulf: You'd be surprised. Sometimes it's on fire while sliding into the Pacific Ocean. :D

Quote #1323 -- Darth Garden Gnome

The_Last_Rebel: Clinton should've taught everyone not to vote for someone who thinks with his dick. Darth Garden Gnome: Yeah. I too wish to become President of the United States someday, but only with the full intention of seducing/being seduced a White House intern first. I will have no obligations to my Presidential duties, and if at any time the nation is prosperous under my administration, it will clearly be the doing of someone else. I'll be busy fucking. Or masturbating. Pissing Jesus off, either way.

Quote #1325 -- Myrmidon fantasizes

[posted by some whiny bitch at strek-vs-swars.net] I hate the people in SD.net. They are all a bunch of antisocial morons who are mean to all trekies in general. Since they can?t refute our superior arguments, they resort to flaming and being mean.

Quote #1326 -- Col. Crackpot

Lusankya: When I was three (or thereabouts) my parents told me that ham came from ham trees. I've since learned the error of my thinking. Col. Crackpot: that would be the fucking shit! I'd plant it right next to my beer tree.

Quote #1327 -- Col. Crackpot

Iceberg: "Turkey and Hungary form a new Axis of Gobble..." phongn: Worst pun ever. Col. Crackpot: no, this is: Iran to Iraq because i was Hungary for Turkey.

Quote #1328 -- Bob the Gunslinger

Alright, here's my take on 40k surfing: Chaos minions surf. "Surf for the surf god!" I believe they even have a specially adapted mutation for surfing--surfing ninja turtlespawn. "Cowabunga! Anchovies for the False Emperor!" In much of the IoM, surfing is a lost art from the Age of Dude, but some still retain its secrets. Arbites do not surf in the conventional sense. They "Carapace Surf," which requires no board. Somewhere there is probably an IG regiment who surfs. The Maliboo Marauders 509th. Admech adepts surf the interweb, as well as watersurfing. They have a tendency to remove their feet to increase their connection to the board. thus eliminating the possibility of "hanging ten." Rust is a bit of a problem. The Emperor surfed in his Aussie days (the early 1980's and again in the 19,800's). Necrons just sink. When the Orks find a nice ocean world, they tend to spore Beech Boyz to take advantage of the surfing. Dark Eldar are just skaterpunks. The kroot have been able to surf since they ate Anette Funicello. Of course, the squats were the most enthusiastic surfers of all. Unfortunately, from overhead a squat on a surfboard looks a lot like a baby seal to a hungry Tyranid...

Quote #1331 -- Darth Wong

I love the idea of a Christian website trying to tie the Master Chief to Jesus. Just imagine the quotes: "Blessed are the meek, for I will kick Covenant ass to protect them." "Blessed are the peacemakers, in all of their nuclear glory. Verily, I shall smite the Covenant fuckers with them." "Let anyone among you who is without ammo be the first to throw a stone." "I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me. Yes you, and I will find you and rip out your colon."

Quote #1333 -- Bertie Wooster

Oh Christ, next thing is they'll have classes called "Southern Sign Language for the Deaf" where you learn to adjust your belt-buckle and move your hat between words.

Quote #1334 -- Dalton

Troll from MSNBC: this flaming seems uncalled for, but I guess it's part of the newbie hazing, carry on! Dalton: ...you think this is flaming? Ooooh boy. Good luck...

Quote #1335 -- Sea Skimmer

A sufficient thickness and number of layers of Kevlar will stop an arrow from an English longbow. A sufficient thickness and number of layers of Kevlar will also stop 120mm sabot, Styx missiles and nuclear weapons.

Quote #1337 -- Ghost Rider

Done before...and literally same results. Bobo tags the Batmobile...captures Bruce and wonders why a man dress up in kinky leather prancing around with teenagers.

Quote #1338 -- Darth Wong

Pablo Sanchez: We don't see that level of excellence around here because people who migrated from ASVS are better than other people SDN. There are too many of you mongoloids and you dilute our good work. Durandal: So true. According to evolution, we should be reproducing faster and more successfully. aerius: Considering that you're all male, with the exception of The Duchess who is a lesbian, somehow I don't see any reproduction happening. Darth Wong: I don't see how the rapid reproduction of old-time ASVSers necessarily follows from evolution theory. Perhaps you are thinking of the "reproduction of the smartest" theory, which is less well-known than "survival of the fittest" because it was promoted only by Charles Darwin's retarded half-brother Jeb Darwin, in a desperate attempt to explain why he couldn't get laid.

Quote #1339 -- Gil Hamilton

Dalton: I grew up looking at the wonderful paintings my father did, of sailing ships done in shades of orange and purple and blue. The ships were intricately detailed, each piece of rope and rigging carefully added on, with the sun setting and the sea calm. It was evocative and beautiful. That was art. This is an autographed urinal. If that's art, I could go sign my toilet right now and call it the same. Maybe I'll leave a floater in there as a statement on the utter futility of life. Gil Hamilton: Actually, according to the guy who made that autographed urinal, you'd be absolutely correct. It would be art, simply because you declared it so. Duchess of Zeon: You do realize that if you did that you could quite possibly make hundreds of thousands of dollars? Gil Hamilton: Nah, because he's not an Established Artist with wealthy eccentric weirdos backing him. You've got to gain a certain level of notority before you can shallac a half-eatan Krispy Kreme dont that you had for lunch, give it a funky title like "Unrequited Love" (in order to make people think their is a metaphor, don't worry about making one, your viewer will do it for you) and convince a gallery to buy it from you for 50,000 dollars. Only then may Dalton can sit on on a stool next to "Unrequited Love" wearing a black leotard, taking long drags on a smoke, shaking like withdrawling from cocaine (possible), and going "Don't you idiots get it?! The donut is there, the object of your desire, perfectly perserved, but you can not grab the donut and eat it, though you desire it! Why? Because I shellaced it! Gah! You've got to see!"

Quote #1340 -- Necronlord

Stravo: What precisely was Leia's rank in the Rebellion? NecronLord: Pin up. ;)

Quote #1341 -- Petrosjko

Y'know, during these lulls where we're waiting for NecronLord to answer somebody's question, I get possessed by the damnedest urge to do something completely off the wall, like have Prius jump up and shout "I can feel the spirit of the Emperor in my pants!"

Quote #1342 -- Eleas

Pcm979: To elaborate on what I see as the central problem, some people are unhappy that the people on ASVS are getting FUQed far more than we are; That since ASVS has a much higher postcount on the FUQ that Sdnet is having trouble getting it up and needs some help. That's just not true; It's like comparing Dildos and Vibrators, one can be much larger than the other, but the vibrator (Sdnet) is much more high-tech and can give you more bang for your FUQ. Eleas: Or we could liken them to swords (that would be SDnet) and plowshares (ASVS). First, superficially a sword is more dangerous - it looks sharp, and big, and sharp. This is in keeping with the rabid SDnet fixation upon appearance and exaggeration of phallic size. However, while a plowshare isn't as sharp to begin with (it is not as technologically advanced) it does hurt a fuckload more when applied with a measure of force to your cranium by a strong bastard with a grudge (which epitomizes ASVS, as any fool knows). It also has the virtue of producing gruesome, messy results when used thus, rather like an irate ASVSer in the midst of a sea of SDnetters. Furthermore, a plowshare can be used as a farming tool, which is also in keeping with the ASVS tradition of not giving a flying fuck for what they're really supposed to do when there's good slaughter to be had. The plowshare is dependable, rust doesn't affect its performance, and it never goes out of style. Admittedly that last part was a fucking lie since ASVS was overshadowed by SDnet, and there's talk of some ASVSers reforging their plowshares into swords. They've missed the point, I'm sad to say, for the final lesson of ASVS is this. Swords don't kill people. SUVs at high speed kill people. And the Baron will fuck the bloody remains. That is the lesson of ASVS. Selah.

Quote #1345 -- Gil Hamilton

Darth Wong: I would love to meet somebody who got scammed, bought a snake-oil product, was fooled by a misleading advertisement, or bought into creationist jibberish because he didn't know Latin. Gil Hamilton: Um... caveat emptor?

Quote #1347 -- Eleas

Natorgator: Did Quake even have a story? I have no recollection of it, if so. :S Eleas: I guess it did. You played a character cursed with amnesia, and a geas that compelled him to run through incomprehensively constructed tunnels while killing viciously rampant Origami figures on PCP. Its music is a subtle allegory on the ephemereal nature of the player's eardrums. Mounting tension leads up to a big finish in the basement of the "gateway level", where HP Lovecraft is interred, the powerful revolutions of his body powering the game's then-revolutionary 3D engine. From this place you are teleported to the domain of Shub-niggurath, and shown the true power of the Hentai Side. .. ...maybe the ending's different if you don't enter the cheat codes.

Quote #1350 -- Eleas

Durandal: I agree. You were strictly mediocre on ASVS. Pablo Sanchez: Fucking right I was. Everybody could tell. I mean, if even you noticed it, with your many and various mental impairments, then it must have been obvious. Durandal: I'm still funnier than you, fuck-bag. Eleas: Damn straight, Damien! Out of many distinct physionomies, yours is the one that will always bring a smile upon my face. Life rarely gets funnier than spending an evening with naught but your picture and the desire to make out head from torso.

Quote #1351 -- Kurgan

The new book will reveal the true nature of turbolasers. The "tibanna gas" is more like "intestinal gas" and in fact each "bolt" is really a stool sample encased in a high energy force field and spun at incredible speeds as it is fired through a rail gun. Thus the troopers form a symobiotic relationship with their fighters. Gunnery crews must eat lots of spicy mexican food and prunes in order to keep up their artillery barrage. Gives new meaning to the phrase "waste our enemies!" The color of the bolt is determined by what the "maker" ate for lunch. You'll never look at a space battle in a Star Wars movie or game the same again!

Quote #1352 -- Durandal

Labeling the motivations for the war numerically implies that they simultaneously co-exist in a list form. This is not the case. It would be more appropriate to treat the motivations as a football team roster -- Team Bullshit. For example, Weapon of Mass Destruction was the first-string quarterback. But Weapons of Mass Destruction and Saddam Supports Al Qaeda (full-back) both sustained career-ending injury at the end of regular combat and could not lead the Bush administration into the occupation, that is, the play-offs. So, Team Bullshit has been forced to play the second-string quarterback, Freeing The Iraqi People and the second-string full-back, Saddam Was An Evil Man. Saddam Was An Evil Man has proven a surprisingly effective pass-blocker. Even so, Team Bush's performance in the play-offs has been abysmal. Their offensive line is weak, and Team Facts has repeatedly broken through to sack the shit out of Freeing The Iraqi People. Star player on Team Facts, Iraqi Police Officers Are Afraid to Show Up For Work, has been responsible for record numbers of offensive yards lost by Team Bullshit.

Quote #1356 -- CrimsonRaine

For one, Red knows I'm on birth control for health reasons and being a woman, I'm guessing he understands that I menstrate. However, my mother and I like to embarass him. Sometimes I won't warn him for that sake. It makes him squirm like babies on spikes. :D

Quote #1357 -- Alyrium Denryle

Why the fuck does SW have to have gay people? It isnt a series about social commentary, and just because it is advanced does not mean that it has a ratio of gays to straights that is statistically high. Star Wars is about light and dark, good and evil, life and death, treachery and redemption. As well as monsters and spaceships. It only needs one gay character, and that is C3PO, and he does the job marvelously.

Quote #1358 -- HemlockGrey

Aya: Random event of the night: I had a tampon/panties fight with Angel, who I'm sure is the evilest girl I have ever met. HemlockGrey: My friend, you are quite possibly in the largest Friends Zone known to mankind. In fact, I believe that if you were to stand next to the most skilled pick up artist on the planet, he would be drained of all his powers simply by his proximity to you, much in the same way a black hole devours even light.

Quote #1359 -- Durandal

MADDEN: It looks like he's satisfied with what he's got, looks like he's gonna test the function. AL: I think you're right, John. The CALTAL approach has really been working well for him for this programming assignment. MADDEN: There he goes, it's compiling ... [wait] ... uh oh. Looks like the compiler has thrown a flag. Let's see what we've got. AL: You gotta hand it to this compiler, he's been just by the book and making fair calls. Let's see what he's got for us, cause I couldn't spot anything. GCC (REF): There was a flag on the compile. Undefined call to a method of the second member of the pair iterator. 15 minute penalty. MADDEN: Oh that's gonna hurt! Let's see a replay of that error. [MADDEN brings out that drawing tablet he has a fetish for.] MADDEN: If you look here, he's making a call to a public method of a derivative class, but in the management class, he's making that call from a dynamically allocated parent-class pointer. AL: Boy that really spells trouble, because he needs that function in both derivative classes, but they need to take different arguments. This is gonna be tough. He can't use a virtual function unless he makes a big overhaul of the classes, and he can't define that function in the child classes. MADDEN: Boy I don't see a way out of this one Al. He might just have to suck it up and re-engineer the parent. AL: Not something you wanna do with three days to deadline and a biology test on Friday, but he might just have to pull an all-nighter. MADDEN: Wait, what's he doing here? AL: He's making the function virtual. What's he up to here? MADDEN: It looks like he's ... yup! He's using a void pointer for the function parameter. AL: Boy talk about original. Now all he's gotta do is modify the functions to re-cast the parameter in the children, change the calls slightly and cast the variables appropriately. MADDEN: You know this is why I got into this game. You may think you're screwed one minute, but then you see an unconventional play like this and you think, "Ya gotta give it to this guy. It'd be a crime if this idea didn't work." AL: Definitely John. I would denounce God right here if this didn't work, but I don't think that'll be necessary. MADDEN: Let's hope not. [MADDEN and AL chuckle.] AL: The play-clock's winding down ... he's going for the compile button. Let's see how this plays out. MADDEN: The compiler likes it, let's see if he gets any run-time errors. AL: Nope! Worked just as it should have. MADDEN: Looks like he's back on track. Boy what a game! AL: John, I don't get this excited when my wife puts on the special sheets! MADDEN: You can say that again, Al. My wife's been pestering me about Viagra, and I've just been telling her, "Honey, we don't need it! Just turn on TechTV!" AL: Oh boy she must not like that. MADDEN: No she doesn't. She might be "falling down the stairs," if you know what I mean. AL: Boy, one of these days, Alice! MADDEN: Bang, zoom, off to the Moon! [JOHN and AL chuckle.] MADDEN: Well that's all for us, folks. Thanks to gcc, our referee and ABC. JOHN: Good night everyone.

Quote #1363 -- Aron Kerkhof

Oh man, I had something else planned. Something like Amok Time. Two friends, looked in mortal combat over FAQ lust. Rob came out screaming something like "Dammit, Chuck's human heart won't take this kind of strain" and then he injected you with some heart medication. Then it was all like DUNDUNDUNDUNDUN DAH DUN DUN DAH DAH with wierd moon shaped axes with a Q-tip end! And then you got your shirt ripped, like you always do, you stud. And then you died. And the FAQ lust passed, and I was bumming major, on account of killing you, though really, it looked like your belly was scratched, AT WORST. And then we beamed up your corpse to the ship. And then Rob injected something else that brought you back to life, cause that "heart medicince" was bogus the whole time, and I was all like "CHUCK!" and I grabbed you by the shoulders and grinned like an idiot, and then Rob and you were all smug like "So much for your vaunted lack of emotion," and then some ironic music played as I tried to compose myself and the credits rolled. The part where they show the desilu logo and the green woman were always my favorites.

Quote #1364 -- Superman

DPDarkPriums: Well, Supes seems to forget every time he joins the chat, so... Meeting online, looks were not the first thing that attracted me- especially since back then Maya was using her bizzare stick-figure avatar. Superman: Wait, YOU'RE dating Maya? I thought it was Fey. Well then who is dating Fey? And how does El fit into all of this... Elheru Aran: Me? I'm the horny virgin single guy who absolutely never manages to get any... :( Superman: Oh yeah!

Quote #1365 -- RedImperator

Red: What's the matter with Avril? I'd bang her. Aerius: I'm 5 years too old. And hearing her songs on the radio 50 times a day annoys me. Red: I'm not asking her to sing me a damn song, I'm asking her to bend over the bed and let me have a ride on the Pink Foam Express.

Quote #1370 -- Aron Kerkhof

On 5 May 2005 11:27:44 -0700, "Matt Huang" <UMDLancer@gmail.com> wrote: >Aron Kerkhof wrote: > >> Clearly, Data's power source is his penis. IIRC, that sucker >> generates 12.6 gigawatts alone. Fully functional? You bet. > >so why didn't Tasha Yar get fried during the Psi2000 incident? Obviously her hooha is fashioned out of a superconducting metal. Blame the rape gangs of the failed colony world of Turkana IV.

Quote #1371 -- Pablo Sanchez

Sheppard: There have been some good newer imports, like Zaia. Pablo: Obviously Zaia is an exception, I would gladly pee on her if she was being consumed by flames. Pablo: That came out wrong.

Quote #1372 -- Quadlok

I know, for I was one of those children. It was horrible. All I did was type in a perfectly innoscent Google search for 'Wet Beavers.' I was shocked at what popped up when I clicked that link. I tried to look away, but could not. My hand was drawn against my will towards my groin area. And then...and then...I made baby Jesus cry.

Quote #1375 -- Chardok

Hearing about Kwanzaa makes me want to create an all-white holiday to celebrate my european heritage. HEY! I'm not racist! I'm just proud to be white! Oh, and my holiday will be called Leashtolaka. (Leesh-toe-LAH-ka) Doesn't mean anything, i just pulled it outta my arse. it's for all caucasians to celebrate their european heritage, and reassert their individuality, and celebrate white contributions to the community and the world. It is a celebration of peace and harmony, now bring on the ceremonia leashtolaka Pizza. we will light 7 candles of peace; the candles will be made from hershey's white chocolate, symbolizing the gluttony of society at large being burned away and liberating our whiteness from the confines of social molds. the official Leashtolaka song will be Mandy by Barry Manilow, and we will all wear berets as the symbolic headwear. Crumpets will be the traditional breakfast food, and tacos the symbolic lunch. we will all consume german beers, and drive the traditional Fiat of peace around in circles over and over and over again, representing the plight of our white brothers and sisters who, in film after film were forced to walk in circles to power the machines which made ancient europe go. (Like the trolls opening the black gate in Mordor)

Quote #1376 -- Tasoth

No matter what I got on christmas eve, the best present came today. Steeler's have home field advantage through the playoffs. *joseph looks up wide eyed from the manger. He scoops baby Jesus up and drops back into shotgun position, Mary, the Wisemen and the Shepherds forming the offensive line against the oncoming rush. Joe pump fakes to Raphael, but Lucifer has him covered like Hell on sinners. He sees Tasoth down in the endzone. He drops back, aims upward and lets the little messiah fly* Mark: Wow John, what a pass. It looks like it could be another Immaculate Reception. John: Mhmm Mark. Lets hope that kids has hands since God has Jesus covered. *Tasoth cuts left, his eyes focused on the spiralling swaddle of divine salvation. Out of no where, Judas comes to cover him, the former defensive end for Team Christmas. They jump, a tangle of hands in the air, Baby Jesus coming down* John:OH MY GOD! IT'S GOOD!! Mark: Team Christmas wins! THE ROOKIE CAUGHT IT!! *Gets to his feet and raises his arms, still holding baby Jesus, into the air and lets out a victory yell. Backflips Spikes baby Jesus as Team Christmas celebratory mauls him* Say what you want about Jesus, but Joseph was a Steeler's fan.

Quote #1380 -- Eleas

Durandal: More feelings on casual sex: Great way to start off the new year. muse: Yeah, you, Red, and Kernel, that must've been a nice threesome! Durandal: Very funny. But suffice to say, I kicked off the new year with a resounding affirmation of my heterosexuality. Eleas: Lemme guess. You now know why you don't care to be fucked up the ass?

Quote #1381 -- Rob Wilson

I have to admit it something I don't quite get. If it's a diary shouldn't it be private? And if it's just a collection of things you did, then surely it only means something to the people you did them with... and if you're appraising distant friends of things that happened then write an E-mail and CC it. I doubt Debi's is as dire as some of the ones I've happened across before now (if they are the same things). But they just strike me as superfluous : Today I ate toast, I burnt it which made me sad. Woe is life as my mood becomes as black as my toast. No one understands the pain of having to eat toast that is not perfectly brown. Haiku to Toast. When bread is too hot, and thermometer is faulty. Darkness enters my life. My life is like the toast and 'I Toast' is an anagram of 'taoist'. How deep is that? Here's a Meme about what kind of toast you are. Linky. Having read about my toast terrors and empathised with my deep, deep pain, why not visit my Amazon wishlist and get me a new toaster and maybe a DVD player and a whole load of DVD's as well.

Quote #1382 -- Wicked Pilot:

Petrosjko: Since Ann Coulter steadfastly refuses to return his emails, letters, and naked pictures... Laughing Wicked Pilot: She's just afraid that I'll fuck her so good she becomes a liberal.

Quote #1386 -- Stofsk

Crown: On the plus side, Odysseus is closer to home now! Laughing Stofsk: On the minus side, it will probably take him ten years to get home. AGAIN. "Oh Posiedon, what are you doing to me? You're killing me... you little bitch." *ZAP!* Another ten years... "Not dead yet, God of fish. Your PMS is not my problem. Plus, you marooned me on the Island of the Nymphomaniacs."

Quote #1387 -- Spanky the Dolphin

Spanky: My penis hurts. That is all... Dalton: It needs a massage. I prescribe porno. Spanky: Eh well, that was kind of the source of the problem...

Quote #1388 -- Pablo Sanchez

Pablo Sanchez: If anybody cares, I'm going to be incommunicado for 5-7 days starting Thursday. Dalton: Everyone stay extra alert of your personal security and don't accept any propositions from mysterious men with Spanish accents. I learned that the hard way. Pablo Sanchez: 'ey mang, joo wanna buy like a new Lexus GS 2005? My cousin Ram?n, his girl got it for his birthday but, uh, he like got a Porsche now, so he juss sellin this one, Holmes. And he like lost his keys, so that's why the window is broken and there's a screwdriver jammed in the ignition, but joo could get that fixed real cheap. My other cuz, Jes?s, he like owns a body shop and he can cut jouoa deal. You're not a cop or nothin, are joo Holmes?

Quote #1389 -- Chardok

That is correct. I have released flatulence the likes of which the world has never known. I was at my desk when the rumbling began. I knew then that this was no ordinary gaseous release. This was going to be an explosion of shitless stench. The rumbling grew in instensity until finally, my poor sphincter could contain it no more. Finally, I relaxed my stranglehold on the doomblast, and it rocketed from my anus with thr force roughly equivalent to that of a Patriot missile. It was only because my desk is bolted to the floor and attached to other cubicles that I was able to maintain ground attachment. Yes, friends. The very foundations of of the earth shuddered at this monstrosity. I shook the very heavens. The rumbling was enough to elicit stare from the cube across the aisle. but, my dear friends, I tell you. This was not the worst. Not by a longshot. now it was time for the stink. The Stink to end all stink. Plants withered. Children fled. Tires flattened. toes curled and small woodland creatures within a mile radius died on the spot. My work is complete. the pressure in my intestines has droped to a managable level, and I feel I may be able to eat something now. The dizziness is almost gone, and I've turned the rest of my ass rightside in. Thank you for reading and have a wonderful day.

Quote #1390 -- Darth Wong

Idiot: Most scientists today don't know how to think, they only know how to manipulate - it's the difference between science and mathematics. Darth Wong: He will never produce actual evidence to support this spectacular accusation. Anyone who would even consider saying such a thing is a raving ideologue loon who obviously has some kind of beef with certain scientific conclusions and has decided to dismiss the entire scientific community rather than deal with that conclusion in an intelligent and mature fashion. In his mind, it works like this: BRAIN: A new scientific study clearly indicates GUT INSTINCT: It must be wrong. What did they do wrong? BRAIN: I can't figure out what they did wrong. It really looks solid and convincing. This bothers me. GUT INSTINCT: Oh yeah? Fuck those scientists! Fuck them all! You know what? Scientists are all fucking idiots anyway. Geeks stuck in their little laboratories with their little calculators and books and such ... fucking fags. BRAIN: Well ... GUT INSTINCT: Shut the fuck up! You know I'm right! Besides, you're never going to beat those scientists at their own game. Have you seen how big their fucking brains are? Let me handle this.

Quote #1391 -- Wicked Pilot

Mrs. Cmdrwilkens: Denial?...Hmm...let me check again...nope. still no ring on my finger.... lol Wicked Pilot: Just remember, he's not gonna buy the domain name when he's getting the webspace for free.

Quote #1393 -- DPDarkPrimus

DPDarkPrimus: wtf, Mike has furniture? Ace Pace: LOL! Ace Pace: and now its down DPDarkPrimus: i thought he'd have that moddable new-age stuff that can be turned into anything with a bit of rearranging DPDarkPrimus: of course, i also like to entertain the notion that he lives in an igloo DPDarkPrimus: because the mental image of him snug in a fur-lined parka clubbing a seal is darkly amusing

Quote #1395 -- Vendetta

In light of this latest act of slack-jawed fuckwittery, I have decided against killing myself, and settled for the cheaper long term solution of killing everyone else in the entire world. Please form a line.

Quote #1397 -- Pablo Sanchez

Sex is not supposed to be fun. It is a sinful, though sadly necessary process, designed by THE LORD as a method of testing our devotion to HIS word even as we procreate. Taking pleasure in the act is the devil's work. The ideal sexual encounter for a true Christian goes something like this: The husband and wife are in their marriage bed. The wife lies completely motionless and as stiff as a statue. The husband will try to fight off his revulsion of the female form (which is a temptation of the devil) and of his own earthly vessel in order to sustain an erection. If he is successful, he will insert his half-erect penis into his wife's vagina, banging away for 10-30 seconds until he experiences a disappointing climax. The woman should experience no pleasure whatsoever during this time. In addition, both parties are encouraged to keep their eyes tightly shut throughout the entire act of intercourse, the woman to visualize the image of Jesus and the man to imagine the dress models he furtively ogled in the Sears catalogue that morning. Afterwards, the man is to curl up in the fetal position on his side of the bed and fall asleep, while his wife retreats into the bathroom to sit on the toilet and cry. This process is to be repeated as necessary for the production of children.

Quote #1398 -- Gil Hamilton

Obviously they marched a thousand Clonetroopers into the hangar and told them to fire a volley at that trade federation ship. Commander: "Company halt! Present arms! Target the donut! Fire! Beware fore! Fire! I say, clonetroopers in a space battle? This is most invigorating?" *being British, like all Republic/Imperial navy personal, he sips his tea as a Gungan in a loincloth carries his personal hunting blaster behind him* Poncy-the-Gungan: "Yes, massah! Messa think so to!" Commander: "They are on the ropes! OK, men, on three we give them a round of the old bayonet charge! Poncy, my gun!"

Quote #1399 -- Pablo Sanchez

jmac: So Pablo...may I assume you're offering your services as a gigolo to me? Pablo Sanchez: I am too expensive for joo. Also I am... how do you call this in America? I think it is "semi-retired." Also I am semi-retired since Pablito Grande (which is name I am using throughout career to refer to the penis, jes?) is nearly broken in half by Argentinian female rugby team.

Quote #1401 -- Darth Wong

RedImperator: This is totally unsurprising--in fact, it makes a great deal of logistical, economic, and sociological sense. Millions of Americans don't live in neighborhoods per se, they live in housing tracts connected by arterial roads to large commercial centers. Just like big box stores thrive in that environment, so should big box churches. Darth Wong: This sounds like an opportunity for the Walton family. Just imagine the potential: Wal-Mart stores are already well-positioned geographically for this purpose. You could have Wal-Mart right next door to Wal-Church, or perhaps you could even incorporate the Wal-Church right into the Wal-Mart so that you can follow up your worship of Christ with a hearty meal of processed worm meat at the in-store McDonald's before purchasing some of Wal-Mart's fine selection of fashionable Malaysian outdoor wear. Perhaps over time, these new Wal-Churches could use their superior convenience and amenities to drive the smaller, Mom-and-Pop churches out of business and consolidate the Protestant religion across America, with Sam Walton as the Wal-Pope.

Quote #1402 -- Rye

Someone: I bet Rye likes horses. Rye: No, they're too big and have too many teeth...plus when you look at them, their minds look like they're on the very edge of sanity. Gandalf: But if the relationship turns bad you can trade them to glue companies. Rye: That's true of anyone, though.

Quote #1407 -- Dalton

Superman: How can I make a sock puppet? I demand an explanation! Dalton: Seduce an administrator. Superman: Dalton, do you find me sexy? Dalton: No.

Quote #1408 -- Petrosjko

The Morrigan: Just a little niggle, but in annoys me quite a lot... In Event Horizon, if you were going to send a dire warning to somebody to keep away from somewhere WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SEND IT IN LATIN? I am aware that the film has been criticised by various people for numerous other reasons, but this just struck me as being particularly stupid. Petrosjko: Considering the man was holding his eyeballs in his hand while stating the warning, we can safely assume that his thought patterns were not at their logical peak.

Quote #1411 -- Admiral Valdemar

See? Everyone's happy now and Einy apologised. Now all feel free to suck my cock for manly satisfaction. Don't be shy, plenty for all!

Quote #1412 -- RogueIce

HemlockGrey: Any reason why 'honored' is in quotes? Col. Crackpot: three words: homo erotic hazing. Where would the Navy be without it! RogueIce: In port.

Quote #1413 -- Lagmonster

If Religion and Politics were characters on a soap opera, Religion would be the one that goes insane with jealousy over Politics' intimate relationship with Reality, and secretly murder Politics in the night, skin the corpse, and run around its apartment wearing the skin like a cape shouting "My votes now! All votes for me! Wheeee!".

Quote #1415 -- Wayne Poe

Wayne Poe: Darkstar's dishonest?? *shocked* 2000AD: Has he stopped stalking you yet? Wayne Poe: Of course not. He lives vicariously through me, since he has no real life of his own. The Picard action figure seated on his monitor laughs at all his jokes, though...

Quote #1416 -- Rob Wilson

Admiral Valdemar: Damn, and I just munched on a Lancashire muffin. Rob Wilson: Did she say thank you?

Quote #1417 -- mr friendly guy vs a Creationist

So he will pray for us will he? That's ok. In return we will think for him.

Quote #1419 -- Darth Raptor

Oven mitts aren't supposed to catch fire, are they? *wonders where all his arm hair went*

Quote #1420 -- El Moose Monstero

So really, this thread boils down to 'who wants to wear a frilly skirt and tights and a leotard', and the obvious answer is 'who wouldn't?' :D Although personally, I'd prefer frilly skirt, tights and a leopard. It's all the rage in Paris.

Quote #1426 -- Aron Kerkhof

On 2 Jun 2005 01:13:08 -0700, "Aaron" <ambosen@yahoo.com> wrote: > Why in the hell does that remind me of the Begees? Well you can tell by the way I use my spec-u-lum, I'm a ladies man, no time for talk. Exam room cold and women warm. Only time I wasn't lookin' in is when I was born.

Quote #1430 -- Eleas

Ahhhh, it's SO good to be back! ASVS, the land where jokes are shot down, sig files debated and flames being started over posts made ten years ago. :)

Quote #1433 -- Kynes, from the "Who are you people?" thread

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line or corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mould and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I still can't figure out what the FUCK is wrong with Boyd.

Quote #1437 -- Eleas

I SUMMON THE MODERATORS TO SMITE THIS THREAD!!!! Mod, heed my call, see this thread, snip it all, purge and clean, rinse and squall, Trekkie plans foil and stall, may it none else appall. May it fall - call the Mod, call the Bean, bringsie forth, words unseen.

Quote #1438 -- Rob Wilson

Sir Sirius: Kids are like dogs. If there is something wrong with their behavior the problem is in the owner 99 times out of a hundred. Rob Wilson: "Sit, Cletus jnr! Sit, Peggy-sue!" ---- "Now, you have to remember whenever your child misbehaves you must rub their noses in it and tell them firmly - NO! Except when they have a cocaine problem, as young Phoenix's owners found out." ---- "Yeah, he was out to all hours of the night, fucking every skanky bitch he could find in the clubs and on the streets. Since I had him neutered though he's been the most docile and obedient son you could ask for." ---- "Damn it, jeanie wouldn't stop pissing our money away on frivolous things. I'm sorry dear but she's costing us a fortune in bills, we'll have to have her put down."

Quote #1439 -- HDS

Montcalm: We never had any death camps in Canada,our history has some bad events but we never tried to exterminate the natives like Americans did. His Divine Shadow: Oh sure, you say that but as you say it I am seeing mental images of natives being marched into camps by red clad mounties.

Quote #1440 -- Mr. Bean

Darth Wong: In positive news, 24 hours of intensive testing with Memtest86 3.1a have failed to produce an error or even heat up the CPU (those new 90nm cores run relatively cool). I do believe it's time to start configuring it for installation. Shroom Man 777: Wow. I have zero understanding of all the technical jargon, but it sounds really sweet. Congratulations, man. How much did it cost (probably a fucking lot)? Mr Bean: Wong said: I run hard test, make computer think of real hard math problems, it do test good and not even got hot under collar while doing it. Me think it cause little computer man good at math.

Quote #1441 -- Thirdfain

My ex was in the habit of, while in the middle of a meal, looking at me and saying matter-of-factly, "We are having sex in five minutes. Finish your coffee." Oh, god, I've scalded my throat more times than I can count.

Quote #1442 -- Darth Wong

SuperShadow: I?m great friends with Lucas? children: Jett, Amanda and Katie. After Lucas passes on, I will step in to be their father figure. You may be thinking that I will do this only to make sure that they make more Star Wars movies, but don?t be so cynical. I love these kids, man. I love them a lot. Master of Ossus: Where is the frickin' Army of Corporate Lawyers? Does it really take them this long to marshall their forces for the attack? This guy truly is psycopathic, and needs to be sent to a hospital or a prison. Darth Wong: I guess this proves George Lucas wasn't kidding when he said he doesn't pay that much attention to what people are saying about him. If he personally took a good look through that site, I'm sure he would have sent the Evil Corporate Lawyer Horde marching into Supershadow's Temple to do what must be done.

Quote #1443 -- Tev & Nit

Tev: So, if (40k) orks speak cockney, are they Chavs? Nit: No, orks have human-level intelligence.

Quote #1446 -- Durandal

Admiral Valdemar wrote: > It was good to see that to a minimum though, given the beavers simply > couldn't be done right with anything but dialects that would be found on > this isle. That's one question I have about these series. Why is it that this fantasy shit only happens to little British children? Why couldn't the Wardrobe be in some shitty tenement in the Bronx with a family of Italian kids walking through? I can see it now. Instead of Peter, Edmund, Susan and Lucy Pevensie, you get Dominic, Anthony, Maria and Giovanna Vincenzo being the saviors of Narnia. DOM: Holy shit, it's fuckin' Winter here. MARIE: Da, watch ya mout. God febid La Nonn hears you tawkin like that. DOM: You don't seem ta mind when dat piece 'a shit boyfriend of yours tawks like dat. MARIE: Always with my god damn love life. Just becawse he's Jewish. [MR. TUMNUS enters the scene.] TONY: Muthafucka, look at that thing! DOM: Ey! Watch ya mouth! You start tawkin like that, it's me gettin the belt. TONY: So, maybe you fuckin' deserve it. GIOVA [to MR. TUMNUS]: Hey dere, what are you? TUMNUS: My name is Mister Tum-- DOM: Ey! Get the fuck away from my sister you sick fuck!

Quote #1447 -- Durandal et. al.

Lord Pounder: The question is how did she find Star Wars? Dalton: Um... :D Lagmonster: Didn't even finish watching it, huh? Dalton: Well, I did get a chance to tell her the difference between Han Solo and Luke Skywalker. Things are kind of a blur after that. Stravo: The next logical question is then did you manage to hit the exhaust port? ;) Dalton: Well, after it just impacted on the surface. Durandal: Great shot, kid! That was one in a million!

Quote #1448 -- Ender

Unknown: How he has an credability with the ST community is a mystery to me. Bounty: He has credibility in the ST community ? After the TrekBBS debacle, I doubt it. Has anyone noticed there are no mor updates to his site or blog ? Ender: In all fairness, it has been the holidays. He needs to be tolerated by his family and buy gifts for the girls he is stalking.

Quote #1451 -- Gil Hamilton

Darth Wong wrote: > For some reason, whenever I see the name "Santorum", I > keep thinking it says "Saruman". Santorum wishes he were Saruman. Unlike Santorum, Saruman would have a good shot of winning the upcoming senatorial election in Pennsylvania, appealing to older Pennsylvanians and his support of the lumber industry. Plus, he could have an Uruk-Hai pose with an AK knockoff with the message "I am the NRA" written on it. The only problem is that he'd almost certainly form an alliance with Mordor (New Jersey) and try and depopulate Maryland.

Quote #1454 -- Spyder

Dalton wrote: > Spyderizer wrote: > >> >> Apparently Edward James Olmos was originally approached as a possible Captain for Voyager, he turned them down. >> >> I can't help but wonder what Voyager would have been like with a Captain that wasn't above bludgeoning someone to death with a flashlight should the situation call for it. >> >> http://spyderizer.no-ip.com/eatflashlight9oo.gif > > There'd be a lot less Neelix, I'll tell ya that much. Also a lot less show. "What? A wormhole? Fuck the Ferengi, full speed ahead!" So many episodes would have been so much better... "We have two members of your crew on trial for a breach in our bizzare system of laws. If you truely value our culture you will not interfere." "Assemble the marines." "Uh, what are you doing?" "I'm getting my men." --- "You'll be leaving now." "Very well, if you kindly beam us back to our ship..." "I don't do beaming." Moments later a pair of freeze dried Vidiian corpses collide with their ship. --- "When I give the signal I want you to pull out your sidearm and shoot Neelix in the head."

Quote #1455 -- Mike Wong

Rumsfeld is clearly just anticipating future economic trends. Now that heavy industry is moving to China and the Dot-Com industry is moving to India, the next American growth industry is clearly the bullshit industry. The country has already made great strides in securing the future of the bullshit industry, with large public-works bullshit projects such as the Iraq War, as well as private bullshit manufacturers such as FOXNews. And the bullshit industry even has its own tycoons such as Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh: the Bill Gates and Donald Trump of the bullshit world. But more needs to be done. As bullshit becomes the big American growth industry of the 21st century, we need to secure the supply of bullshit. That is why Rumsfeld is calling for recruitment of more propaganda.

Quote #1457 -- Durandal

[In a thread with the subject "My tiny terror"] Mike, posting pictures of your son in a thread called "My tiny error" ... well, it might give the wrong impression. ;) EDIT: Nevermind, I can't read.

Quote #1458 -- Lord Woodlouse

...SDN kinda existed in my mind purely of numerous instances of Mike Wong throwing people through a window. Until Zaia came along and showed me a whole new world of SDN. Now there's clouds, and rainbows and bunnies and things. All being thrown out of a window by Mike Wong. It's very uplifting. Um. What was I talking about again?

Quote #1459 -- Gil Hamilton

[On felineki's banning] Edi: Why the fuck does this deserve anything less than a full ban, even if we are given the luxury of debating his fate? He also has a history of pulling similar shit and refusing to follow the debate and posting rules in other threads. Gil Hamilton: To see if we can give Spanky a stroke before he's 25?

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