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Quote #1285 -- Chuck -- Chuck's Gospel
Subject: Bush Reveals Startling New Anti-Terror Plan AP-WASHINGTON Today at 2PM EST, President George Bush, along with Vice-President Dick Cheney, addressed the nation from the Oval Office on the upcoming administration and the war on terror. Said the president: "My fellow Americans, we have had a bitter struggle against terrorists and the enemies of freedom for these past three years. After the tragedy of 9/11 we have learned the United States must be proactive in the war against our enemies. As you may know, I have been provided several billion dollars to fight this war, which some out there feel was wasted. Well, today the vice president and I intend to reveal how that money was spent and how it will ensure a safer America." At this time he and the vice president revealed specially crafted rings. "By day, Dick Cheney and I will continue to go about our daily identity as a mild-mannered and inconspicuous president and vice-president of America. However, when the threat of terrorism rears its head, we will leap into action using these, the Freedom Rings. By joining the rings and issuing our battle cry, we will undergo our transformation." At this point, the president and vice president both cried out, "Let Freedom Ring!" and joined the rings together, causing a blinding flash. When the glare cleared, the vice president was dressed in full body armor, and the president a stylized jumpsuit and matching crash helmet. "As you can see," the president remarked, "we have now adopted our identity of Cheneybot, and Lone Star 1, respectively. This suit was designed for Cheneybot when he was forced to receive his new artificial heart to stay alive. Now, however, he is both machine and man, and ready to fight the terrorists. His armor renders him nigh invulnerable, and his hydraulics and boot jets will make him a dangerous foe for those who would be our enemies. Also, I should mention that he has assembled a huge array of terror and crime-fighting equipment at his undisclosed location, including the Cheney-rangs, Cheney-mobile, and super-powerful Cheney-computer, which will crack even the most advanced terrorists codes in seconds." Cheneybot then gave a demonstration of his powerful bootjets by flying around the room, then effortlessly crushing a bronze statue. The president continued: "As for myself, Lone Star 1, I will be calling upon my years of training in the National Guard to pilot our nation' s final line of defense against terror." The president then flipped back the head on a bust of George Washington, revealing a keypad. He then entered a code, causing a change that startled many Americans as well as Washington residents when the White House transformed into a giant robot. "Patriotobot Prime is strong enough to lift thousands of tons," the president revealed from the cockpit of the giant robot, located in the head. "It has advanced laser weaponry, and an adamantium battleaxe. Also, it can transform into a submarine and a tank." The address was interrupted by a hijacking of the broadcast signal. It was revealed to be the work of none other than Michael Moore, aka Dr. Fahrenheit, the president's archnemesis. Dr. Fahrenheit taunted Lone Star 1 for the inadequacies of his plan and told him he would bring the president to his knees. However, it seemed that his boast was ill-advised, as Cheneybot remotely accessed the Cheneycomputer and deduced that Moore had planned an attack on Wall Street. With a repetition of their "Let Freedom Ring" cry, the two separated, with Chenybot heading to stop the Wall Street assault while Patriotobot Prime flew towards Moore Manor itself. At Wall Street, a group of men armed with machine guns opened fire on the vice-president. However, his armor proved more than a match for them. With impressive speed he disarmed the assailants and placed them all in a large net that was left hanging from a nearby streetlight. Police were soon on the scene and took Moore's forces into custody. Lone Star 1, however, met with greater resistance. The president was apparently unprepared for the Moore Manor to be defended by another long-time adversary. The Dixie Chicks had brought in a Stars and Bars-decorated giant robot dubbed "Gundam of the South." With a "Oh Wish I Was In The Land Of Cotton" sound similar to that of the General Lee horn, the Gundam of the South and Patriotobot Prime were engaged in a grappling fisticuffs match throughout the countryside. The battle raged for a harrowing thirty minutes, but Lone Star 1 managed to outfight the Dixie Chicks and disable the Gundam. However, the victory was bittersweet for the president, as Moore and the Dixie Chicks escaped in a rocket. Since the battle Patriotobot Prime returned to Washington and transformed back into the White House. Bush and Cheney have also resumed their secret identities as president and vice-president. However, they did take time to offer their assurances to the nation. "No matter what the challenge," said the president, "we as a nation will live up to it. But for now, let freedom ring!" The two then brandished their freedom rings for emphasis. Michael Moore was not available for comment.