Subject: [Celebrity Deathmatch, bordering on TGOD] Yoda vs Q
Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2000 17:11:20 +1000
From: "WeeMadAndo" <weemadando@start.com.au>
 Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars




Nicky Diamond:  "Good evening ladies and Gentleman, I'm Nicky Diamond and
I'd like to welcome you to our Deathmatch arena.
Jonny Gomez:  " Its a top lineup here tonight, the title match being between
Yoda and Q.  To help us here in the commentary box is renowned Sith Lord and
all round tough guy, Darth Vader."
Dath Vader: <heavy breathing> "Those stairs into the commentary box are a
killer."
J:  "Hahahaha.  Thats pretty funny Darth."
DV:  "You dare to mock a Sith Lord?"  <Darth uses force lightning against
Jonny>
N:  "Sparks are flying in the commentary box!  Particularly from Darths
fingers!"
J:  "AAAAaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgh."
<Little Jonny enters the commentary box>
Little Jonny:  "Ah, dad!"
<Jerry Springer enters>
Jerry Springer:  "Jonny, Darth Vader has something to tell you tonight.
Darth?"
DV:  "Jonny, I am your father."
JS:  "There you go little Jonny, what have you got to say?"
LJ:  "No, its not true."
DV:  "Jonny, come to the dark side."
N:  "Whoa!  Its all coming out here tonight!"
J:  "Get away from my son you asshole!" <leaps up off floor and begins
pummelling Vader.  Little Jonny kicks Jerry Springer in the nuts before
being dragged off by security.  General brawling ensues.>
N:  "We now cross to Stacey Confed who's in the rooms with tonights
combatants."
<Chair flies into camera and screen goes blank>

Stacey:  "Here we have tonights combatants, Yoda and Q."
Yoda:  "Mmmmm.....  Hot woman are you.  Shag you I shall."
Q:  "Oh you pathetic fool.  You are nothing but a muppet with someones hand
up your arse."
S:  "Those are big words.  Do you have anything to say master Yoda?"
Y:  "Tear off your head shall I, shit down the hole I will."
Q:  "Pah, you are nothing but a fraggle that missed the bus to the nursing
home."
Y:  "My bitch will you be.  Your daddy will I be."
<Q and Yoda are now nose to nose staring directly at each other>
Q:  "You threadbare towel, you pathetic over stuffed sock."
<Yoda kicks Q in the shins and begins to gum on his ankle>
Q:  "You really are quite irritating aren't you."
<Security drags Yoda off>
Y:  "Mmm  Your arse I shall have.  Mine it will be."
S:  "And now back to Nicky and Jonny in the commentary box."

<Jonny has a black eye and a badly scorched suit, Vader's helmet sits askew
and is slightly cracked in places, Nicky sits in his chair nonchalantly,
Little Nicky and Jerry Springer are nowhere to be seen>
J:  Well, that was an interesting introduction to the combatants in tonights
fight.  And now we switch to the ring where special guest referee Kosh from
Babylon 5 will start the match.

<Cut to the ring, Q is dressed in the style of a business man, suit and tie,
Yoda is wearing a bright purple mawashi (sumo wrestlers jockstrap)>
Kosh:  "I want to see a good clear cut conflict, no low blows, no nasty
tactics, no time-travel, no FTL travel, no introductions of new species, no
prolonging into a two parter, no stalling, no cybernetic life-forms, . . .
<10 minutes later> . . . no outside intereference and no disappearing at a
crucial momentget it on."
<Q rushes Yoda before suddenly dropping to his knees wincing>
DV:  "Thats the old Jedi force kick-in-the-nuts, I can't believe that a
superbeing fell for that."
<Q picks himself up and nods at Yoda, Yoda flies backwards and rebounds off
the ropes>
J:  Nice throw!
N:  "He didn't even touch him.  I think this might be the first fight since
our Penn & Teller vs David Copperfield triple threat match that we might
have no contact between the fighters."
<Yoda rebounding of the ropes flies horiznontally straight between Q's legs>
DV:  "Q was lucky with that, being hit in the nuts by a flying Yoda is very
very painful."
J:  "I'll take your word on that Darth."
<Yoda rebounds of the oppostie side of the rings ropes and tumbles onto the
mat>
Q:  "Pah, I knew that you were no tougher than Gumby."
Y:  "Remember but one thing, yo momma I fucked, yo dadda I be."
Q:  "What?!?!?!?"  <Rushes Yoda in a fit of rage swinging arms madly.  Yoda
whips out a lightsaber and quickly removes Q's limbs>
Y:  "My bitch you be now!"
Q:  "Come over here and I'll bite ya to death you little green tribble
impersonator."  <Yoda approaches Q, mocking him>
Y:  "Some of this you want?  You be unarmed, a lightsaber I not need.
Bwahhahah."  <Yoda bitchslaps Q several times as Q's torso begins to rock
with the motion>
Q:  "Can you please stop that, it might prove to be hazardous to your
health."  <Yoda continues to bitchlsap Q>
Y:  "Ha hah!  My size you now be, but no penis you have."  <Yoda whips out a
gargantuan appendage, atleast half his own height>  "Suck it you will."
Q:  <Gasps>  "Good god, that thing is bigger than my ego!"  <Yoda replaces
his dick and begins to poke Q in the guts with his walking stick> "Ow -
Oh -Yikes - Eeek -Ouch -Ow"
Y:  "A superbeing you are not, a smurf you now be."  <Yoda digs into his
mawashi and pulls out a piece of  blue chalk from the recesses of his butt>
Q:  "AAAAah.  Get that thing away from my face!"  <Yoda begins smearing Q's
face with blue chalk>  "Bleeeeeeeurgh."  <The reek of several months of
Dagobah diarrhea gets to Q and he begins vomiting randomly>
Y:  "Ahah, technicolour yawning you are, soft as shite you be."  <Begins to
slap Q again>
Q:  "Oh god,"  <Begins rocking again>
DV:  "God, thats horrible.  At least I kill them quickly."
J: "Bleeeeeeurgh. I can smell that chalk from here."
K:  "Q do you wish to submit?"
Q:  "No, I'll never give in to someone who looks like an overweight Kermit.
D Frog!"
Y:  "Then your funeral it be."  <Rushes around behind Q and pushes him onto
his own pile of vomit>
Q:  "AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaargh!"  <SPLAT!  Yoda jumps onto Q's back and begins
jumping up and down on his kidneys>
N:  "Well, that must be hurting about now."
J:  "Ha Ha, I'd certainly say so Nicky, his kidneys would be looking like
Darths old girlfriend.  Flatter than Nebraska!"
N & J:  "HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH -  ack, - thbt, -gasp . . ."  <Nicky
and Jonny pass out on the commentary desk>
DV:  "Apology accepted commentators."
Q:  "Please, Mr Kosh, I want to submit but I can't tap out!"
K:  "Then bang your head against the mat or something."
Q:  "What?"
K:  "Bang your head against the mat, I'll take it as a submission."
Q:  "OK, OK."  <Q begins to smash his head into the mat> "I submit," <Q
continues to bash his head against the mat> "I give up dammit!"  <Q keeps on
banging his head agianst the mat, before stopping and realising that Kosh
has collapsed in the corner from laughing so hard>  "DAMMIT!  I thought you
said you'd count it as a submission!"
K:  <Kosh stands up and psychically brushes himself off>  "No, I justed
wanted to see if you'd hit your head against something."  <collapses in a
renewed bout of laughter>
Y:  "Mmm . . . Pillow biter you be?  No?"
Q:  "What?" <A look of realisation crosses his face>  "Oh shit."  <Yoda
begins raping Q with his walking stick>

<transmission cuts out being replaced by a rerun of the Dukes of Hazzard>

Announcer:  "We regret to inform you that we are experiencing technical
difficulties."
DV:  "I love this show!  Where's Daisy?"

THE END