Subject: Re: [FANFIC CONTEST] "Portal" Date: Thu, 08 Aug 2002 02:12:25 GMT From: pablo_sanchez2000@hotmail.com (Pablo Sanchez) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars On Wed, 7 Aug 2002 19:39:46 -0400, "Doomriser" wrote: >Write a mockery of Port-hole, sorry, Porto-potty, oops I mean "Portal," or >alternately mock GK itself if you'd like to. ****WHABAM**** Interview with Graham Kennedy NOTES: This is the entire unedited exchange between the (in)famous DITC Maintainer, Graham Kennedy, and myself. This is not intended as a personal attack against Mr. Kennedy, or any of his family or friends. (I know where you live, you dirty son of a bitch!) Star Wars is a copyright of Lucasilm. Star Trek is copyright of a bunch of sad gits who couldn't write their way out of a paper sack. All persons, living or dead, or purely coincidental. Pablo: How's things? Graham: Fine. I do have this nagging headache. Pablo: It might go away if you repeatedly hit your skull with a hammer. Graham: No, I don't think so. Pablo: I could do it for you. I've got a sledge in the garage, right now. [Stands up] Graham: No, it'll be quite all right. Let's get on with the interview. Pablo: Interview? My secretary scheduled this as an assassination. Graham: Ummmm... Pablo: Damn it. [Yells] Raven! You're fired! Raven: [from the other room] Again? Pablo: Uh... er... [bites his lip] YES! You are indeed fired once again! Raven: I'm afraid you can't fit it into your schedule. Pablo: Damn. What am I doing now? Maybe I can reschedule. Raven: Nope. You're going to shoot Graham Kennedy in the face, and sell his children to a Vietnamese Whore-House. Pablo: Which house? Raven: Madame Omar's House of Sensual Entertainment. Pablo: Oh, that one. Okey dokey. I'll start with the .45, and maybe set fire to his house as well. [Draws pistol] Graham: Interview! Interview!!! Pablo: Oh yeah! First question-Hey, it looks like you sprung a leak. Graham: Please don't shoot me! Pablo: Shut up, baby. And go get a towel, I can wait. [Intermission - Ode to Joy] Pablo: Fully dry, now? Graham: Yes, I think so. Pablo: First question, then. Do you eat babies? Graham: No... Pablo: Shocking! Graham: Shocking? What's with you, it's not like I'm not an ogre. Pablo: Sure, sure. Calm down. Next question: What is your favorite flavor of baby? Vanilla, Chocolate, or Mint? Graham: Vani--No! I don't eat babies, damn it! Pablo: What about infants? Graham: That's just a synonym for baby! Pablo: Fair enough. What about puppies? Graham: No! Pablo: Cats? Graham: NO! Pablo: Um, how about very small children? Say, from three to six years? Graham: I'm a human being, just like you! Pablo: That presupposes that I am human. In fact, I am an alien being from the planet-- Graham: Why don't we move on? Pablo: Oh, whatever. Answer me this question, number three: Where were you on the morning of December seventh, 1941? Graham: What? I wasn't even born then? Pablo: Isn't it true, Mr. Kennedy, that you initiated the attack on Pearl Harbor, that pulled the United States into war? Graham: No! I told you, I wasn't born then. Pablo: Really? Graham: Yes. Pablo: You're fired Raven! [silence] Raven? Graham: Is she gone? Pablo: She shouldn't be... Oh wait, it's her mid-day break. She gets off for two hours, from noon to twelve o'clock. Graham: That's-- Pablo: She usually spends it with that Ryan Spickard fellow. They're both S&M freaks, you know? Graham: Actually- Pablo: Anyway, question four, last of the unholy quatrain of questioning! Graham: What? Pablo: I'll ask the questions here!! Graham: Er, okay. Pablo: Now, in your web pages, you have a marked tendency to fabricate things. In fact, you often base entire pages on nothing but wild speculation. Do you feel any remorse? Graham: No, not at all. Pablo: And that concludes our interview! Raven, what is on my schedule now? Graham: She's not here. Pablo: Ah. Well, I'll go check. Graham: Okay. Pablo: [Leaves. Comes back a moment later.] It appears that I am supposed to shoot you in the face and sell your children to Madame Omar's House of Sensual Entertainment. Graham: But- Pablo: And then I shall burn down your house and build a ketchup restaurant in its place. Graham: I have to leave now! Pablo: You can run, but you'll only die tired! Graham: [Runs out the door] Pablo: [speaking into two-way radio] Sanchez here. Kennedy is on the run. Dispatch two squads to intercept. And make sure to shoot him in the face. [Squawking from other end] Yes, I'm sure that it has to be in the face. It 's on the schedule. Raven: [Comes indoors, carrying a whip] The interview is over already? Pablo: Yes. You're fired. Raven: You can't fire me right now. You have to go on a fact-finding tour of Guam. Pablo: Really? If this is another excuse to get me out of the office while you perform bizarre S&M acts on my desk, I'll be really pissed. Raven: I'm not lying. Now get out of here! Pablo: Why do you have a whip, then? Raven: Ummmmm... I thought Kennedy was still here. Pablo: You fiend! I'm outa here! Fin