From: "LT.HIT-MAN" Subject: LT.Hit-Man's Fan Fic Review is here :-) Date: 29 Oct 1999 00:00:00 GMT Message-ID: Organization: Posted via Supernews, http://www.supernews.com X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.72.3110.3 Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars X-Complaints-To: newsabuse@supernews.com Ok here it is My thanks to Adm.Shepard for proof reading this fic enjoy and thanks LT.Hit-Man LT.Hit-Man was sitting in his quarters reading up on 20th century Earth history. After all, he had nothing better to do. His comm-panel pinged and he clicked it on. "What do you want?" he snarled. If there was one thing that really annoyed him, it was when someone interrupted him when he was reading. " This is Grand Admiral Tarvisol. I want you to report to the secondary hangar bay." the voice on the other end of the comm-line said. It was a smug, arrogant voice and LT.Hit-Man could tell that Tarvisol was the type of son-of-a-bitch that was out to make himself look good and to hell with everyone else, but when he kriffed up, he would blame his underlings. LT.Hit-Man was starting to see red as he listened to this Tarvisol. "What do you need me for?" LT.Hit-Man asked as he asked as he subconsciously reached for his lightsaber. It had been too long since the last time he had worked out and he was starting to get tired of practicing against drones. "I need you to fly a shuttle that has...how shall we say...important cargo on it and I need it delivered to my winter home on Risa." Tarvisol said in a pushy voice, after all, he wanted his new sex toys to be at his home on Risa for the officer's party he was throwing to celebrate the Empire's fine victory over the Federation. He had heard that LT.Hit-Man was a top-ace pilot and he was getting impatient with the red tape that kept pilots and resources tied up as the Empire expanded in this galaxy. "What?" was all LT.Hit-Man could say as he fought off the shock at being assigned to something as trival as this. "That's right, I want you in the hangar bay in five minutes and not a second more." Tarvisol snapped. After all, LT.Hit-Man was just a Stormtrooper. LT.Hit-Man was shaking with rage, but he had to keep his cool. After all, the few officers that he did tolerate had been getting on his back about the growing 'incidents' of him killing his own men and they where going to reassign him if he did not behave himself. They had made it clear if continued as he had been doing, he would find himself sitting on same back-water world in the assend of the new territories doing KP. The last incident had been the last straw, for he had taken a Captain that had the gall to criticize his last fanfic review and put him in a vac suit, stuffed him down the barrel of an ion cannon and let it rip, flash-frying the Captain. "What the kriff do I look like to you, a mother-kriffing lackey droid?!?" LT.Hit-Man rasped as he felt the familiar flush of the killing fever that had started to wash over him, and he welcomed it fully. "Do not talk to me like that, you stupid grunt! You grunts have no dignity. I mean, if you wanted to be someone in the Empire, you should have been a Fleet officer, but no...you had to sign up and be an undignified ground-pounder, so you might as well be a lackey droid." Travisol said in his most haughty voice. He was not going to put up with any backtalk from some no-name Stormtrooper, and he added, "You were probably too stupid to know where to sign your name on the enrollment forms when you joined the Imperial Army. That's why they made you a Stormtrooper, you inbred hick." LT.Hit-Man just sat there as he started to feel everything starting to slip away from him. "Cannon fodder. That's all you lowly Stormtroopers are good for." Tarvisol spat. He was starting to enjoy walking all over this mouthy grunt, but he had no time to waste, there was only a day left before the party, and he wouldn't tolerate any more delays. "Now be a good Stormie and get your worthless, sorry ass down to the hangar bay!" "Oh I'll be a good Stormtrooper, alright." LT.Hit-Man said in a cold dead flat voice as he gave himself over to the Dark Side. This piece-of-shit was going to pay for his blasphemous words, thought Hit-Man as Tarvisol ended his call. LT.Hit-Man walked out of his quaters with a look of pure hate on his scarred face that would've made the Emperor cringe in fear. As he walked by, some of the crewers saw the look on his face and ran for their lives. Unfortunately, some of them were too slow, and were cut into bloody bits of dead meat as LT.Hit-Man swung wildly with his inky-black lightsaber. He couldn't contain his rage any longer, and everyone was fair game to him. By the time he reached the turbolift, forty crewers were dead, their maimed bodies plastered all over the hallway like cheap wallpaper. "Sir, who was that you were ragging on?" a comm officer asked as he handed Tarvisol his report. Tarvisol just shruged his shouders. "Just some low-life, piece-of-shit Stormtrooper that I need to fly a shuttle to my winter home on Risa and he started to backtalk to me." Tarvisol said as he looked the comm officer over with an appraising eye. "Oh. Who was it?" the comm officer asked as he began to feel *really* uncomfortable with the way his CO was looking him over. Tarvisol looked over the crew roster. "A new transfer from the SSD _Shatered Souls_. A Stormtrooper named LT.Hit-Man, operating number VX-101." he said. The bridge crew of the SSD _Grim Blade_ had heard what their CO had said to the Stormtrooper and they agreed with Tarvisol. Groundpounders were shit, so they thought nothing of the tounge-lashing he had given the Stormtrooper. The comm officer however, had also transfered over from the SSD _Shatered Souls_ and he knew all about LT.Hit-Man and he begain to piss himself in fear. Tarvisol looked at the cowardly comm offcier with disgust. "You low-down coward! What is wrong with you?" he said as he back-handed the comm officer. "YOU KRIFFING IDIOT!, YOU HAVE DOOMED US ALL!!" the comm officer screamed in outraged fear. Tarvisol could see the fear in the comm officer's eyes and he began to get a sinking feeling in his gut, but his smug arrogance pushed it away. "What's the big deal? He's just a Stormtrooper." Tarvisol said as he watched the comm officer, who started to puke. Once the comm officer stopped tossing his cookies, he looked at Tarvisol with pure hate and loathing. "LT.Hit-Man is *not* someone to be kriffed with!" the comm officer said as he typed something on a datapad he'd grabbed from someone. He then handed it to Tarvisol. "LT.Hit-Man is the one responsible for the total destruction of Ferenginar." The comm officer then saw the look on Tarvisol's face as he finished reading the reports of LT.Hit-Man's fanfic reviews, as well as watching the snippets of video from his other fanfic reviews. Tarvisol had a shocked look on his face. He looked up at the comm officer "Y-Y-You don't think that he would kill his superior officers, do you?" he asked the comm officer, who just looked like a fish out of water. But before the comm officer could answer, the turbolift doors hissed open and the temperature on the bridge dropped to near-freezing. LT.Hit-Man walked out of the turbo lift, his Stormtrooper armor covered in blood and guts. As he slowly looked around the bridge, he saw everyone standing there with their mouths hanging open in horrified surprise. "Right. Who's first!" LT.Hit-Man snarled, then all hell broke lose. The comm officer and Tarvisol just watched as LT.Hit-Man started walking towards them and they could see that there was nothing any of them could or do that would stop LT.Hit-Man from slaughtering them like hogs. Suddenly, a weapons officer pulled out his blaster and fired a wild shot that skimmed past LT.Hit-Man's head as the rest of the bridge officers scrambled to draw their blasters. The comm officer and Grand Admiral Tarvisol were starting to reach for their weapons, but stopped when they saw LT.Hit-Man smile. Their blood ran cold. "Right. My turn!" LT.Hit-Man screamed gleefuly as he Force-leaped over the comm officer and Tarvisol, landing in a crew-pit, lashing out with his black bladed lightsaber and singing a tune to the shrieks of the dying bridge crew who had started filling the air with blaster bolts. The comm officer and Grand Admril Tarvisol had enough coherent thought left in them to hit the deck as the shooting started. They started screaming in terror as they heard the pitiful screams of the bridge crew before they were forever silenced by LT.Hit-Man's crackling light saber. "Smooooth!" LT.Hit-Man said as he climbed out of the crew pits that were now plastered with blood and other bits of once-living men who had paid the final price for there arrogance. "You two can get up now. It's over." LT.Hit-Man said to the two cowering men who struggled to stand up as fear threatened to cut their legs out from under them. The comm officer looked at LT.Hit-Man and started to tell him that he had nothing against him, but LT.Hit-Man cut him off. "Hey! I know you. You transferred over from the _Shattered Souls_ with me, right?" LT.Hit-Man asked the comm officer, showing him his patented crocodile smile. "Ahh...yes, Sir. That's right." the comm officer said as he fought to keep his fear in check. His body was trying it's hardest to puke, shit and piss itself all at the same time. "Jranic, isn't it?" LT.Hit-Man asked as he looked the comm officer over, wondering if he should let him live. "Ahhh...no, Sir. My name is Jenkins, rank Lieutenant, operating number XY-78654." Jenkins said in a crisp and efficient manner as he saw LT.Hit-Man giving him the once over and quickly added, " I'm the ship's comm officer." "Good. I'm going to need a good comm officer aboard my ship. Do not fail me." LT.Hit-Man said to Jenkins, who kept his cool. " Yes, Sir. I will not let you down. What are your orders, Sir?" he asked LT.Hit-Man as he snapped to attention. "Get me the crew roster. I want to know who my new crew is." LT.Hit-Man said to Jenkins, who gladly ran to carry out his orders. Grand Admiral Tarvisol grew more and more enraged as his fear left him. This was *his* ship and no one was going to take it away from him! "Now se-" Tarvisol started to tell this lowly grunt that he was going to have his head on a force pike for this, but he was silenced by a bitch-slap of a backhand from LT.Hit-Man's cyber-hand that scattered his teeth all over the bridge like an exploded pack of chicklets. "Shut the kriff up." LT.Hit-Man said as he took the crew roster from Jenkins, who was smirking as he saw Tarvisol covering his mouth with his hands to stop the blood that was flowing like a river. _Damm right!_ Jenkins thought to himself as he started to feel a whole lot better about this whole mess. LT.Hit-Man quickly read the crew roster over and started to smile. "Jenkins, my good man, I want you to call maintenance and have them come and clean up this mess." LT.Hit-Man said as he looked down at his shoulder armor. Seeing someone's eyeball stuck to it, he casually reached up and flicked it off, and smiled he she saw the gory missile hit Tarvisol in the face. LT.Hit-Man then sat down in his command chair. "Yess...there's nothing like a little Grand Theft SSD to make one's day." he said manicially as he started to laugh like a madman. The crew of the SSD _Grim Blade_ were in a panic. News of LT.Hit-Man's rampage had spread like wildfire and when the comm system throughout the ship crackled to life, the crew listened and wondered if they were going to live to see the next day. "This is your new CO, LT.Hit-Man. I'm running this ship. If anyone has a problem, they can take it up with my E-11." LT.Hit-Man said as he drank in the fear that was pouring off of the crew. "There are some new openings for bridge positions and I'll be calling on some of you who I think will make a fine bridge crew." "That is all." he added, then he had Jenkins cut the comm line and then he read over each and every crew member's file until he found the ones he wanted for his new bridge crew. Hours later, LT.Hit-Man had his new bridge crew. He watched as they went about their tasks with a cold efficiency that warmed his heart. "Is the course laid in?" LT.Hit-Man called out as he kicked his feet up on his new foot stool; namely Ex-Grand Admiral Tarvisol, who was chained to the floor at the foot of the command chair. "Course is set, Sir." Navagtor Black called out with a smile. He had been studing to be a navigator, but was shit-canned to cleaning out the waste pits after he had refused Ex-Grand Admiral Tarvisol's advances. He had no love of LT.Hit-Man, but since Hit-Man had given him his chance to prove himself, he was going to do his damndest not to disapoint his new CO. LT. Hit-Man had made it more then clear that the price of failure was a long and slow death as he had demonstrated when some poor SOB from maintenance had screwed up a power-consumption report. LT.Hit-Man had the SOB cleaning out the radioactive waste collecter with a toothbrush and nothing else. After that was done with, he had told his crew that he would also reward good hard work and everyone knew that LT.Hit-Man was a man of his word. "Alll righty, make the jump to hyper-space!' LT.Hit-Man called out with a cruel smirk. _This is going to be good._ he thought to himself as he watched the SSD _Grim Blade_ enter hyper-space. A day later, the SSD _Grim Blade_ emerged from hyper-space and took up orbit around LT.Hit-Man's target world. "Ok. Listen up, ya maggots." LT.Hit-Man said to the ground forces that were assembled in the _Grim Blade's_ hangar bay. "I want this world secured with no loss of of civilian life. If there is to be civilians killed, I want a minimum loss of life and a minimum amount of property destruction. Understood?" LT.Hit-Man gave his men a hard stare that made it clear any kriff-ups on this mission would have consequences that would make the Jedi purges look like a walk in the park compared to the fate that would befall them if they failed. "Ummm, Sir? There's already an Imperial garrison in place. Why are we doing this for anyways?" asked a Stormtrooper. When everyone saw LT.Hit-Man's head snap around, his human eye locking onto the Stormtrooper who had asked the question, they wanted to get away from the doomed Stormtrooper. However, they knew if they broke ranks, their new CO was going to be pissed. So they just stood there, sweating nervously, hoping they'd live throught the next few minutes. "That's a good question. The anwser is, I want this world! I will make it mine!" LT.Hit-Man said in a low whisper that chilled his men to the bone. "Also, I figured this crew could use some R&R." LT.Hit-Man said. He could see the smiles on their faces and quickly added; "You will behave yourselves down there; no plundering, no rape or any other form of abuse of the civilian population will be tolerated. UNDERSTOOD?" With that, he shot the Stormtrooper who had asked the question in the face and smiled as he heard the sizzle of the trooper's head being fried by the blaster bolt of his E-11. "Now suit up and move out!" LT.Hit-Man shouted as he watched his men don their helmets, grab their weapons and board the dropships. Within minutes, the dropships from the SSD _Grim Blade_ began their descent towards Risa. An hour later, LT.Hit-Man's forces had Risa under their boots. There was a comm-message from the other Imperial garrison demanding to know what the hell was going on. Hit-Man had Jenkins pipe the comm message to the bridge and the holo-comm showed an older man in an Imperial uniform along with a few of his officers. "What is the meaning of this?!" Governor Holtor said in a pompous manner, but when he saw LT.Hit-Man sitting in the command chir with his feet propped up on the unconscious form of Grand Admiral Tarvisol, his face fell flat in utter shock. "You may dispense with the pleasantries, Governor." LT.Hit-Man said in a low but menacing voice that caused Holtor to gulp in fear, but somehow Holtor managed to fight down his fear, and he demanded to know what LT.Hit-Man had done to Grand Admiral Tarvisol. LT.Hit-Man allowed himself the luxury of a grim smile. "This ship is now under my command. I have replaced most of the bridge crew with people who know what the hell they're doing and are loyal to me personally." Governor Holtor's eyes went wide at LT.Hit-Man's words. "This is mutiny! I'll see you...ARGAACK!" Governor Holtor grabbed at his throat as he was lifted five feet into the air as LT.Hit-Man put the Force Choke on him. "There have been reports of Federation resistance forces using Risa as a staging pont in their seditious actions against the Empire. You had been given the intelligence files concerning this matter, and yet the problem still remains." LT.Hit-Man said as he savioured the fear that was all around him. "I have come to take care of this problem. Your forces will surrender to my men or they will be wiped out...all of them." LT.Hit-Man slowly squeezed his cyber-hand shut millimeter by millimeter as he tightened the chokehold on Governor Holtor. Ex-Grand Admiral Tarvisol was slowly starting to come around, and when he opened his eyes, he saw the Governor floating in the air, desperately clawing at his throat on the holodisplay. LT. Hit-Man decided to end this matter by saying to the doomed man, "You have failed the Empire for the last time." in a voice so cold that even Lord Vader would have felt a chill as he exerted the final ounce of pressure to bring his cyber-hand to a close. There was a sickenly loud crunch as the Governor's windpipe along with his neck, was crushed into a pulp. LT. Hit-Man released the chokehold and the Governor's body hit the floor with a boneless thud, his head coming lose from his ruined neck in a spray of blood that covered his second-in-command as the Governor's head rolled under the comm desk. "You are in command now." LT.Hit-Man said to the blood-soaked officer who looked like he was about to faint. "At least until I arrive. When I do, you will tell your forces to stand down, or I'll turn you and your base into a pile of smoldering ashes." he said to the new Governeor before he looked over at his new gunnery commander. "Lock all turbo-laser batteries on the garrison base and await my orders." LT.Hit-Man heard the sound of someone puking. He looked down and saw that his footstool had heaved up all over his boots at the sight of the Ex-Governor's 'retirement', and LT.Hit-Man wasn't happy about this. "You puked all over my boots, you kriffing maggot!" LT.Hit-Man snarled and he brought one of his puke-encrusted boots down on the backs of Tarvisol's knees. Tarvisol screamed as the loud snapping sound of his knee-caps being crushed filled the bridge. LT.Hit-Man then undid the chains that held Tarvisol down. Reaching down, he grabbed the writhing man by the throat and stood him on his feet. "March! You *will* keep marching until I tell you to stop, or you will suffer as no being has ever suffered before!" LT.Hit-Man said as he brought his scarred face less then an inch from Tarvisol's puffy face, letting him see the look of loving death in his human eye, before he switched on the laser sight in his cyber-eye and placed it in the middle of Tarvisol's forehead. Tarvisol suddenly found that he could march on two shattered knee-caps, much to his surprised relief. He and LT.Hit-Man marched to the hanger bay and took a shuttle down to Risa. A few days later, LT.Hit-Man's forces found the Federation resistance forces, and dragged the survivors out to the main capital of Risa, where LT.Hit-Man had set up the equipment needed for a planet-wide broadcast. "People of Risa, I know that you have suffered in the war between the Empire and the Federation, along with the Klingons and Romulans. We have taken a lot of effort to see that the planets in our new territories have been rebuilt and that it's peoples' have been taken care of." As Hit-Man spoke into the holo-broadcast system, he saw the looks of the Risan citizens in the square. He could tell that they weren't buying it. "Yes, I know in the war we did some things that would be considered barbaric-" there was some loud mutterings and in some cases, outright cursing amongst the citizens in the square with him. "-but look at it this way. If we had not done the things we did to bring the war to a quick end, we'd still be fighting and there would be untold billions dead instead of the few millions that were lost." LT.Hit-Man stopped and let his words sink in. "Have we not taken great pains to see that you have been given newer and better medical technology, as well as making sure that everyone who followed our simple rules have been given a better life then they had under the weak Federation? Hell, we stopped the Borg cold and even as I speak, they are being hunted down and exterminated. Sorry to say, but that's just the way it has to be." Hit-Man could see that the people were thinking this over, and that's when he went for the throat. "And you repay us with this...resistance to our efforts to get everything put right, to bring order where there was none?" he said as he pointed to the Federation prisoners. "Well, it looks like it's time for you to learn a lesson." he said as he shoved Ex-Grand Admiral Tarvisol forward. "We will not tolerate any bullshit from anyone--even from our own men." LT.Hit-Man pushed a button on the remote in his hand and the holo broadcast changed to show a fair-sized house on a hill in a remote part of Risa. Tarvisol let out a strangled gasp as he saw that it was his winter home. "Gunnery crew Omega two, let'er rip!" LT.Hit-Man said into his comm link. On board the SSD _Grim Blade_, Captain Nuranic gave the order for the turbo-laser battery to open fire. A green bolt of death screamed down to the target that had been given to them by LT.Hit-Man. The holo of Tarvisol's winter home wavered for a few seconds before the house exploded, along with everything around it, for the turbo-laser bolt had turned the house and a good kilometer-wide area around the house into a flaming crater. Hit-Man then had Tarvisol placed with the rest of the old Imperial garrison. "Ready, aim, FIRE!" LT.Hit-Man yelled and a squad of Stormtroopers mowed them down with two E_WEBs and their E-11's. "Right. They had been incompetent and arrogant fools. We do *not* tolerate that from anyone." Hit-Man said as he looked out over the populace of Risa. He could see that they were starting to get edgy, so he decided that it was time. "I still don't think you got the point yet, so it's time for a fanfic review!" said Hit-Man with a grin that caused some of the more weak minded Risans to to soil themselves. LT. Hit-Man had a few droids bring in a few folding tables and set them up. After they were done, he had the droids bring over forty bowls with oddly colored things in them. There was so much fear being released at the moment, that LT.Hit-Man was almost drunk from it. "I have been reading up on much of the history of the Earth from their 20th Century, and there was a holiday that they celebrated at about this time of year, so I decided to add a Holwerner twist to this fanfic review." As he was about to push a button on the remote in his cyberhand, a Federation prisoner yelled out. "That's Halloween, you dumb son-of-a-bitch!" Within less than 1.1 seconds, everyone that had been standing by the out-spoken prisoner moved slowly away from him as Hit-Man walked down from the Podium and stopped in front of the prisoner who'd spoken back to him. "Really? Thanks for the info." LT. Hit-Man said with a smile, then he pulled out a flame-thrower pistol and lit him on fire and watched as he ran around like a flaming chicken with it's head cut off. "All right then, Boys and Girls! When I review a fanfic, the lucky contestants that I pick will say Trick or Treat." LT.Hit-Man said as he walked back up to the podium. He then looked out over the Federation prisoners that had been captured by his men, reveling in the dark joy that their fear give him. "After the review, I will say either trick-", LT.Hit-Man pointed to a squad of Stormtroopers that were armed with two E-WEBS, E-11s, flamethrowers, force-pikes, chain-saws (yes, I have been playing way too much Doom and Doom 2. What can I say? I LOVE the classics) shock wands, brass knuckles, and a few other items that spoke of a painful promise of death. "-or I'll say treat-' LT.Hit-Man pointed to the bowls on the tables. "-and they will pick out a treat. Anyone not playing by the rules will suffer for years on end before I let them die." LT.Hit-Man said with a smile. "Let's begin, shall we?" "Worlds Without End, parts 27-33 by Charles Sonnenburg 10 out of 10 for every part." LT.Hit-Man said as sixty prisoners were picked out at random. "Ok, you know what to say." LT.Hit-Man said. "Trick or treat." the sixty prisoners said in a sub-dued voice. "Awwww...come on! You're supposed to be happy!" roared Hit-Man, then he added; "TRICK, NAIL'EM BOYS!" The Stormtrooper squad wasted the sixty prisoners in less than two minutes, leaving a pile of bloody, raw and in some cases, cooked flesh. "Next up is BA: Oath of Allegiance Chapter 5 by Jonathan Boyd. 10 out of 10. This just keeps getting better and better, and I'm gonna be in it soon. Heheheheheh." said Hit-Man as he kicked up his feet as ten prisoners were picked out "Trick or Treat!" they cried out. This time, they sounded a little better than the last batch. LT.Hit-Man smiled. "Treat." The ten prisoners walked over to the tables and they each picked out a treat. The terror in their eyes was plainly clear for everyone to see. LT.Hit-Man watched as a Klingon ate a candy apple. Within a few scant minutes, the Klingon's skin turned a bright candy apple red before he explosively combusted. A Federation human was on the ground gagging, and wheezing after eating a tofee. Her blood was being thickened to the same consistency of tofee. Another prisoner who had eaten a popcorn ball held his head as blood and liquefied brain matter poured out of his ears as his brain imploded. Within ten minutes, the prisoners were all dead, but not before they had suffered in uninmaginable pain. "Sweeet, it looks like our new bio-weapons will be useful against what's left of the Borg and Species 4872 after a few modafcations." said Hit-Man as he lit up a stodgie off a part of the Klingon's flaming scalp. Hit-Man pushed another button on the remote. Within minutes, a few maintenance droids were there, having been summoned to clean up the mess. "Seifert has made some fine fanfics, but I missed them in my last few reviews, so here they are; The Thief, The Admiral, The Discovery, The Runaway, The Exodus of the Admiral, they get a 9 out of 10 for all of them only because I had to crawl though all of deja news to find them. It would be a lot easer for everyone if you had a main name for the fics or a web page to look them up. Otherwise, they're just fine." Fifty prisoners were led aside and told to wait, 'Just in case I missed any of Seifert's fan fics.' "Next up from Deimos Anomaly is LT HIT-MAN's Offtime 1 and 2. 10 out 10. It looks like Deimos has me pegged down to a T. Well done!" With that, Hit-Man finished with his stodgie and mashed the stub out in one of the last Ferengi's ear canal (because he had destroyed their world in a previous fanfic review). That done, he had a Stormtrooper drag away the Ferengi known as Nog. He would be using him to show his apprentice how to pierce ears in the true Stormtrooper way. Twenty prisoners were picked out as LT.Hit-Man rubbed his hands in glee. "Trick or Treat?" the prisoners said. Hit-MAn just stood there looking over his blaster-scarred armor, taking the time to brush away a piece of lint, drawing out the prisoners' terror. "Treat. I suggest you try the licorice whips." he said to the prisoners as he thought about a few innovative uses for licorice whips that he would have to try on his wife Daala when he had some off time together. _Ah, well. I guess I'll just have to wait. Got a lot of work to do._ he thought to himself as he saw the prisoners slowly reach for the black licorice whips. They knew that it was a good idea to take LT. Hit-Man's suggestions to heart when he offered them. After the licorice whips were eaten, the prisoners waited and waited and waited and nothing happened. The prisoners breathed out a heart-felt sigh of relief. They'd played the game with the Devil, and had won freedom. But when they looked at LT. Hit-Man, they felt their blood freeze, for Hit-Man was smiling. Hit-Man watched his wrist-chrono and began to count. "5,4,3,2,1!" He looked up from his wrist-chrono and saw that the pale flesh of the prisoners had begun to darken slowly. They began screaming, their agonized shrieks growing louder and louder with each passing second as their tissue began to necrotize. "Right on time! I'll have to thank the R&D boys for this." LT.Hit-Man said as he looked at the remote. There was an incoming message for him. "Well now, it looks like I nailed all of Seifert's fanfics." he said as he watched the last of the rotting prisoners become still. The fifty prisoners walked up to LT. Hit-Man and somehow they found the will to speak the dreaded words. "Trick or Treat?" "Trick!" LT.Hit-Man said as he pulled out his lightsaber. The prisoners breathed a strangled sigh of relief. At least their deaths were going to be quick. LT.Hit-Man stood there for a few seconds. He then slowly clipped his lightsaber back on his belt. "I have a better idea." was his only reply. The square was filled with the sound of fifty bladders releasing their contents. That brought a smile to LT.Hit-Man's scarred face as he closed his human eye. Suddenly, without warning, the fifty prisoners began to float up into the air, as sweat poured off LT.Hit-Man's forehead. Once the prisoners were seventy feet up, they began to fall to the ground one by one at random. Then Hit-Man walked over the the mass of twisted, broken bodies, using the Force Chokehold to finish off any survivors. "The next fanfic is Galaxy of War Chapter 13 by Michael January. This is a classic that just gets better and better! Definitely 10 out of 10! I loved the way you described the insides of an ISD. Well done." LT.Hit-Man said with a laugh as a nasty idea came to mind. Ten prisoners were rounded up at the end of a few well-placed shock wands. "Trick or Treat?" LT.Hit-Man said "Treat" as he handed the ten prisoners a lolly-pop each. Five minutes later, the ten prisoners were gasping for breath as microscopic blood leeches sucked the blood from their lungs. LT.Hit-Man called for more maintenance droids. He had a feeling he was going to need them. "Next up is Battle For The Milky Way Chapter five, Someone Will Be Fucked! by Grand Admrial Reid." LT.Hit-Man smiled as he saw the sickened looks on the prisoner's faces. This was just getting better and better, he thought to himself. Who would have thought that Seven of Nine was such a lippy bitch and poor old Nix looks like he's having a bad day, but all in all, this is a nasty fic that is sure to be a classic. 10 out of 10. :-)" The ten prisoners that had been picked out were trembling with fear and when LT.Hit-Man walked towards them, they ran for their lives. "STUN THEM!" LT.Hit-Man yelled. The squad of Stormtroopers let lose with their E-11's set for stun, and the ten prisoner fell to the ground. When they woke up, they found themselves chained to a bar that ran behind their backs. "Treat. Thank you *so* much! I was just waiting for that to happen." he said to the whimpering prisoners. He then turned to the Stormtrooper squad, who were all smiling. This had been the best fun that they'd had in a long time. "Ok boys, bring her in!" LT.Hit-Man said. Within a few minutes, a huge 500-gallon tank was brought in along with a cloth-covered tank. "Alright boys, hoist them up!' LT,hit-Man shouted. The ten prisoners were lifted over the tank, then lowered into it quickly. They then were lifted into the air and left to hang there until the chocolate dried. As this was happening, Hit-Man walked over to the cloth-covered tank and ripped the cloth off. Inside the tank was Fifi, who was sound asleep. LT.Hit-Man had the hanging prisoners placed over the tank, then he tapped the side of the tank. Fifi woke up with a snort. "Morning, my pet. Guess what Daddy has for you?" Fifi got up and started to slowly sniff the air around her and she looked up to see the screaming chocolate-covered prisoners above her, and she began to drool. "Happy Halloween." Hit-Man said with an evil cackle. Half of the prisoners were dropped into the tank, but they never hit the floor as Fifi gobbled them up like popcorn. The tank was quickly covered in blood and chocolate. Hit-Man then had the rest of the prisoners slowly lowered into the tank, where Fifi went crazy, and ripped them into bloody bits of tattered flesh, snapped bone, and blood drenched chocolate. After Fifi was done with her 'Treats', she curled up and went to sleep. Hit-Man had mixed a sleeping drug in the chocolate that would keep his pet asleep because it wouldn't be a good thing to have a rancor rampaging around, eating innocent civilians. "Next up is a late-comer that almost didn't make it to this review. BA: Knights and Pawns chapter 1 by Jonathan Boyd." LT.Hit-Man said. He had a slightly confused look on his face. "I'm not sure where this is going, but all in all, this fic is damm good, so for now, I'm giving it an eight out of ten. However, I am sure that the next few chapters will be ten out of ten, after all, Boyd does write some kick-ass fan fic." With that said, LT.Hit-Man picked out eight prisoners himself. "Trick or Treat?" LT.Hit-Man used a Force-Speed boost to draw his light saber, ignite it and behead the eight prisoners so fast that it took a few seconds for a anyone to realize that snything had happened. Then slowly, their heads fell off one by one in fountains of blood. "Trick." Hit-Man said as he got himself a drink. "Rasputin parts 7-11. This get's a 10 out of 10. Death to the So'na, they're just *so* lame. Lots of cloak and dagger stuff balanced out by lots of fights and death. Well done." said Hit-Man with a smirk as he held up two thumbs. Forty prisoners were dragged forward by their nostrils as LT.Hit-Man reached out with the Dark side to crush somebody. :-) "Trick or Treat?" the prisoners said in a flat voice. They had realized that there was no escape for them. "Ah yes. Only in the end do you understand the futilty of resisting the Empire. Treat." LT.Hit-Man said. He watched the forty prisoners much down a hand-full of chessy poofs and within a few minutes, their skin was starting to run off of their bones like melted cheese-wiz after you heat it up for about fifty seconds in a high-powered nuker. "Nathan 'The Enforcer' Yates is back with IP: Revenge and Loyalty Part 6a." LT.Hit-Man said with a grin that was just about a mile long and a mile wide. When the Stormtroopers heard that Yates was back, they started to chant, "Yates!, Yates!, Yates! Yates!" LT.Hit-Man let this go on for a few minutes before he pulled out his E-11 and shot a few prisoners. "All right, quietdown, you mugs! " LT.Hit-Man snarled. He then turned to face the prisoners with that grin of his that caused a few of the more weak-willed prisoners to soil themselves. "10 out of 10. How could it be otherwise? I loved the beating that he laid out on Damer, classic sportsmanship and the quotes; hell they were appropiate for this fic, and the fear he put in the slimy bastards known as the Founders. Well, I guess he must be taking lessons from me." said Hit-Man, and he looked like he was ready to start dancing right then and there. Ten prisoners stepped forward of their own accord, thinking that since LT. Hit-Man was in such a good mood, he might kill them quickly. ------------------------------- "Trick or Treat." they said enthuistically. They were wrong. "Treat, most definitely a treat!" LT.Hit-Man said as he watched the prisoners' faces fall flat. He snapped his fingers and a Stormtrooper wheeled in a cart with a big bowl full of bubbling punch. The ten prisoners drank down the punch and waited. Then slowly they began to cough. Within seconds, they were rolling on the floor as their chests were heaving like something was trying to punch it's way out of their bodies. A wet tearing sound filled the square just befoe their chests exploded. Emerging from each of their ruined chests was a baby xenomorph that looked around before suddenly looking at LT.Hit-Man. They let out an enraged hiss before they all started racing towards LT.Hit-Man like greased lighting. Everyone watched in spell-bound horror as the little buggers got closer to LT.Hit-Man, who was just standing there calm, cool and ready for action. "That's right, come to papa, you sorry son-of-a-bitches." LT.Hit-Man said quietly as he raced towards the xenomorphs, his lightsaber in hand and ignited. LT.Hit-Man lashed out at the xenomorph that had sprung at him, cutting it in two before ducking down so that a xenomorph that would have nailed him in the throat sailed over head as two more xenomorths lunged at him. LT.Hit-Man spun to one side and as the xenomorphs flew past him, he swung up with his lightsaber, beheading the two xenomorphs as he Force-leaped into the air, bring down his right cyberhand onto a coiled xenomorth, crushing it, before he tucked himself into a roll to avoid the other four xenomorphs that were leaping at him. LT.Hit-Man reached out with a Force-Chokehold, but since they had no throats, he crushed the remaing xenomorphs into steaming pools of acid that the maintenance droids cleaned up. Everyone watched as LT.Hit-Man calmly walked back to his seat like nothing had happened. "OK. We're just about done here, so bear with me on this." he said casually as he read over another fan fic. "Next up is just a short fanfic, 'Stormtrooper/Jem'Hadar' by a newcomer to the ng know as SpyDA BLadE, it's a silly fanfic. Totally unrealstic, but it's a nice break from your regular fanfic, so it gets a 5 out 10. I hope he'll try his hand at a serious fanfic. He *does* have a talent for writing fan fics." "Trick or Treat." the five prisoners said. Hit-Man just looked at them. "Trick." and with a casual wave of his hand, the Stormtroopers wasted them in a hail of blaster bolts. "Now here's something you don't see everyday on ASVS! Poetry! 'An Ode to the Star Destroyer' by another newcomer by the name of Vul'Khan is something that brought a bloody tear to my eye, so it gets 10 out of 10 golden blaster bolts." LT.Hit-Man said with a warm smile. Twenty prisoners were bought before him. "Trick or Treat." "Treat. Oh hell, yes, most definitely a treat." LT.Hit-Man said as he had the twenty prisoners led into a large cage. He then handed each of them a stick with what looked to be like cotton candy. He then walked out of the cage , making damm sure the door was locked. The prisoners ate the cotten candy. "Hey this ain't bad. What is it?" a Federation prisoner asked as she picked at her teeth with the stick that her cotton candy had been on. "That my dear, was candy-coated ewok fur on a stick." LT.Hit-Man said as he watched in grim delight as the prisoners began to foam at the mouth and start clawing at their thorats in fear. "You see, before I came to this shit-hole galaxy, I released a deadly form of genetically-engineered rabies on Endor ." Hit-Man smiled as he watched the infected prisoners rip each other part. "Our second to last fanfics are Honor Bound chapter 4 and Funniest Moments in fanfic by Rob Dalton." Hit-Man said as he sat back in his chair and relaxed, it had been a long day for him. "Honor Bound 4 is written in the same loving tradition as Imperial Phoenix and it gets a 10 out 10. Y'see, in Blaze of Glory, you Feds won that battle, but little did you know that we're coming back with a vengeance! I have a major part in Honor Bound, so I like that. However, in Blaze of Glory, Rob caught the hard desperate struggle of the fight you Feds gave us and the desperate and valiant sacrifice on the part of Captain Sonnenburg and his crew made as he odered the Glory to ram the Onslaught, giving you your victory, but alas it was all for nought." said Hit-Man with mock pity and compassion. "Funniesty moments in fanfic is a post where everyone in ASVS posted their thoughts on what they thought was the funniest moment in the fanfics that have graced the hallowed halls of ASVS. It gets a 10 out of 10 as well." LT.Hit-Man said as he lit up another stodgie and got himself a cup of coffee. "They both get a 10 out of 10." Twenty prisoners were dragged screaming and kicking to LT.Hit-Man, who cut off their protests with a good sound thrashing. "Perhaps that will motivate you to comply with this fanfic review?" Hit-Man said sarcastically, not caring if it did or not. "Trick or Treat." LT.Hit-Man did not answer them with words, but insteed he handed each of them some marshmallows, and he watched as the Federation prisoners ate them, relishing in the mindless terror that was in their wide eyes. Within less than the span of a breath, the prisoners began to swell up like a balloon, and to the horror of the rest of the prisoners, and LT.Hit-Man's own men; the long drawn-out fanfic review was starting to take it's toll on even the most battle-hardend Stormtroopers. One of the new recuits ripped off his helmet and began to puke. "Belay that shit, boy!" Lt.Hit-Man snarled as he cuffed the green trooper who at the sight of the cold dead look in LT.Hit-Man's human eye, fought down the urge to heave up his guts and got himself under control. The populace of Risa, who had watched the review in spellbound horror began to fear for their lives as well as their world. Who knew where this would end? LT.Hit-Man sat back down and pulled out a small box and opened it to reveal a gleam of metal. He then took out a rubber band and placed it on his pointer and middle finger. He then reached into the small box again, pulling out a slightly unfolded paper clip. With a deliberate slowness, he aimed the paper clip that was hooked on the rubber band, drew it back between his fingers, and slowly waved his hand back and forth along the line of bloated prisoners. *Twip!* Hit-Man let the paper clip fly. His aim was true, and when the paper clip hit the prisoner, he exploded in a spray of blood and guts, covering a few luckless prisoners who were standing too close when the prisoner blew his stack. "One potato, two potato, three potato, four!" LT.Hit-Man sang as he launched another paper clip and chuckled as another prisoner bit the dust. "Five potato, six potato, seven potato, MORE!" thwap, BOOM! and within less then five minutes, the inflated prisoners were gone. "Well, everyone says that it's a good idea to take a vacation all over Risa to relax and unwind." said Hit-Man with a charming smile, a smile with all the charm of having an AT-AT doing a two-step on your face. "LAST! BUT NOT LEAST!" LT.Hit-Man shouted, scaring everyone to the point of nearly soiling themselves at the sound of LT.Hit-Man's voice that sounded somewhat like a a funeral bell tolling it's grim forboding chime. "Is all of my works." "That's right, all of my HMJ fics for Imperial Phoenix, Honor Bound, as well as everything else of mine that can be reviewed, 10 out or 10." Before the doomed prisoners could ask the question that had been asked so many times in this review, he massacred them all, save for one scared prisoner. Richard Taylor was near shitting himself and when LT.Hit-Man's crackling black lightsaber was possed to decapicate him, he wanted to pass out but he couldn't as terror pumped him full of adrealine. But what shocked him worse then the random shocking violence, or the pleasantly mind-numbng brutality was the fact that LT.Hit-Man stopped in mid-swing, then he deactivicated his light saber and hooked it on his belt. "Well Dicky boy, it looks like you get to live! I've run out of ways to kill you Feds for your pitiful attempts at a rebellion. You may go." LT.Hit-Man said casually, and turned to walk away. "OK boys, we're done here. Start packing it up, I'm sure that there will be no more attempts at an uprising." LT.Hit-Man said to the stunned Stormtroopers, who took a second to get their wits about them. After all, LT.Hit-Man never *ever* left any prisoners alive in a fanfic review until all the fanfics have been reviewed and he most certainly never left any prisoners that had the 'Honor' of being picked to rate the fic being reviewed alive. There was a long silence in which nobody moved, no one said a thing, then after a few minutes, the Stormtroopers realized that LT.Hit-Man was serious, and they hurriedly began to pack away their weapons. The maintenance droids took away the empty treat bowls while a few more droids packed away the folding tables, Fifi's cage having been stored away after she had gone back to sleep. LT.Hit-Man dropped the stub of his stodgie and mashed it out under his boot. Richard felt a rush wash over his body that was better then the first time he had gotten laid and it helped to wash away the images of death as good men and women died, the sounds of their tortured souls being ripped from their maimed bodies as they were put to death. Richard began to laugh as his joy seemed so unending. After a good five minutes of laughing his head off, Richard walked up behind Hit-Man and yelled joyously: "TRICK OR TREAT!" Everything came to a crashing halt as the Stormtroopers whipped around to see the Federation prisoner who was grining standing behind LT.Hit-Man. There was a sudden cold dead silence much like a tomb being opened after countless years of being sealed. LT.Hit-Man slowly turned to face the grinning Richard Taylor. His face was blank, and there was a cold souless look in his human eye and with a whisper that was heard by everyone as it was amplified by the Dark side of the Force, LT.Hit-Man said; "I thought you'd never ask." Slowly, that cold dead smile that had been the last thing that untold hundreds of thousands saw before they died creeped across LT.Hit-Man's scarred face as his cyber-eye began to glow brightly like a raging sun. Richard felt the ice-cold hand of Death reaching out for him as LT.Hit-Man grabbed him by the face with his cyber-hand and slowly forced mouth open and with his human hand, he fliped open a small compartment on his belt and pulled out a piece of pumpkin pie. "Treat!" LT.Hit-Man rumbled. When Richard felt the trickle of hot piss run down his leg, he begain to scream. "Eat it, you low-down son of a bitch!" LT.Hit-Man snarled has he crammed the pumpkin pie into Richard's mouth, clamping his hand over Richard's mouth so he wouldn't spit it out. He then pinched Richard's nose closed and waited for the inevitable. After the pie was swallowed, Hit-Man held Richard up in the air and when he saw Richard's skin starting to take on a sickly orange hue, he dropped Richard to the ground. "Private Smithers, release the hounds!" LT.Hit-Man said to a Stormtrooper, his voice a gentile whisper; the kind that was usually exchanged between lovers, but there was an undertone to it that held the promise of pain and horror. Private Smithers went to carry out LT.Hit-Man's orders and he started to cry. No one should have to suffer like this, not even the Rebels and he tapped a button on a huge metal crate. The door of the crate slowly began to rise, releasing a few whisps of fog. "What the hell did you do to me!" Richard Taylor screamed as his sanity began to disappear like the mist when the first rays of sunlight fell on it. "Well you see Dick, I have learned that pumpkin pie has..." LT.Hit-Man stopped talking and cupped his chin with his cyber-hand and began to stroke his chin thoughtfully for a few moments and then added, "...strange effects on certain beings from our home galaxy." He then pointed at the crate that had been opened and standing there were ten Ewoks. Everyone could see that they were foaming at the mouth as they sniffed the air around them and it could be seen that they had the look of a hungry predator. "Yes, it has an aphrosidac effect on Ewoks, especially these rabid ones." LT.Hit-Man said as he drank in the cold fear that was pouring off of Richard as the rabid ewoks began to walk around, sniffing the air at a quickened pace. "Yes it effects them so much that they can think of nothing else but to mate." LT.Hit-Man then cackled in such an evil way that the Emperor would have been proud. Richard began to gibber in mindless terror as he saw the ewoks beginning to sprout frighteninly large hard-ons. "The biochemical reaction of the pumpkin pie is further enhanced by fear, so keep a cool head and it won't be so bad." LT.Hit-Man rasped in dark pleasure as he saw Richard become white as snow. Now was the time for for the final touch. "Play nice now." LT.Hit-Man wispered to Richard as the Ewoks began to turn in their direction, as their noses led them to the scent that was driving them mad with uncontrollable lust. "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Richard screamed as LT.Hit-Man walked away laughing that soulless laugh that had been heard so many times before by the dammed souls that fate had brought to LT.Hit-Man. The Ewoks salivated even more at the sound of Richard's doomed scream and when they saw him, they let out such a blood curdling howl that half of the Stormtroopers fainted as they ran towards Richard, who was frozen in fear. Within seconds, Richard was buried under a pile of crazed ewoks who started to gangrape him. With one final scream, Richard leared the folly of mocking LT.Hit-Man's fanfic review. When it was over, the maintenance droids began the slow task of peeling the dead ewoks from Richard's ravaged body. After the droids were done, Hit-Man looked down at what was left of the fool who dared to raise his voice against LT.Hit-Man's fanfic review. Richard's ruptured internal organs were hanging out of what was left of his asshole in a pool of blood and cum. If that had not killed him, then for sure the lung-full of rabid ewok jizz would've done so. "Leave him there." LT.Hit-Man said to the droids who scooted away from the mess that had once been a living man. LT.Hit-Man looked at the shocked Stormtroopers. "Well, just don't stand there! Get everything packed away now!" he snarled and the Stormtroopers ran to carry out his orders, lest they end up like like the Federation prisoners, or worse...like Richard Taylor. "Come on, you maggots! Move it! Move it! Playtime's over! We have work to do!" LT.Hit-Man lit up his last stodgie as his men finished loading up the drop ships. _Ahh...now it's time to sit back and relax._ LT.Hit-Man thought to himself as he hummed the Imperial March.