Subject: [FICREVIEW] Captain Warsie's Second Fanfic Review Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001 01:39:31 -0500 From: "Captain Warsie" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Title: The Empire Scouts Out the Federation Author: Michael January Size (KB): 228 Complete: Yes Time Period: Voyager and DS9 Era Trek/God only knows for SW Summary: A classic that is still enjoyable to read despite some silly flaws. Link: http://www.daltonator.net/fanfics/stories/Empscout.txt Quote: "Anyone capable of watching this duel would have seen a long ribbon streak of light extending several million kilometres away from the planet. A wedge shaped spacecraft left trailing at it's tail end, with several fires visible at it's front end, precious atmosphere boiling away into the vacuum. Yet, the wedge shaped was still intact. At the head of the ribbon of movement, a large orange ball appeared, and another, and yet another, as several solar-fusion bombs detonated, none further than 1 kilometre from the head of the streaking-ribbon, several much closer than one hundred metres. The ribbon-streak disappeared, and a once sleek warship crept clear of the devastation left by the orange balls of fire, it's warp nacelles scorched and blackened, leaving twin trails of bright blue sparking flame, it's hull now also marred by the sight of boiling gases. Another orange ball of flame appeared, and this time one would have sworn it's centre was the location of the sleek warship. When the flame cleared, only wreckage remained." TECHNICAL ACCURACY Logistical Considerations A manufacturing facility is mentioned, as well as freighter resupply. No special mentions here, but January barely adequately explains how the ships are kept going. 3/5 Consistency with Canon/Official January jumps all over with mentions of a new Death Star, yet his fleet is expressly stated to use Lancer frigates, which did not come into play until after the battle of Yavin. He could, then, be taking about the DSII, but then why does his main not even have solid knowledge of the existence of Executor-class ships (which January calls Super-Star Destroyers?) And the size of the Lancers are reported at 1 3rd of a Galaxy-class? Maybe, though I doubt it but I won't take marks off for that instance. Seeing as these minor infractions have little or no real effect on the storyline, neither exaggerating or detracting from the capability of the Imperial fleet, I will be lenient. His crazy fusion bombs are somewhat questionable, anti-ship hyperspace weapons lacking solid base in the canon or official literature. 8/10 Fairness to the two sides January, in saying that the two technologies are _different_ rather than superior or inferior to one another, automatically takes pains to make sure this is not a one-sided beat-down. 5/5 Total: 17/20 WRITTEN STYLE Creativity This fanfic has been here as long as I have. This story of an armed reconnaissance into the Milky Way must therefore be one of the first. It is not a particularly creative idea in itself, but I had never read anything like it previously. 4/5 Plot Not that many twists, though this is a simple scouting mission. Some of the Imperial's decisions make sense, others are questionable as in the decisions to fight the Borg. There was no real discernable climax, rather it plays out as an increasingly more tense scouting mission. The end, I'm sorry to say, seemed like a Paramount Trek writer made it up. 6.5/10 Characterization January briefly, but accurately, comments on the thoughts in the minds of characters, especially the Trek ones. I liked the way the Feds acted as it was in their character, though not very well fleshed out. The manner in which the Imperial officers dealt with changing events was also well done. Everything was right to the point, though some character speeches were overly verbose and more detail could have been added in some instances. 7.5/10 Prose January really likes to use the "hidden voice" style approach to writing, though this voice sometimes goes on uninterrupted for too long. The story itself flows quickly and is difficult to stop reading. However, it will seem dry in to readers who are used to the works of O'Shea, Doomriser, Sheppard, and others who like to show the reader what is happening in detail. 4/5 Fight Scenes Ah. Here's an area where the story really shines, as does most good ASVS fanfic. January's crazy weapon inventions, especially when fighting the Borg, make this a very enjoyable read. His treatment of both sides is extremely fair, which makes for pitched two-way battles (unlike some fanfics). The ground and ship combat scenes are also nicely done, though the actual ground combat is a bit dry. I like the way the Imperials jump around battle zones like boxers facing each other. 8/10 Total: 31.5/40 Grand total: 48.5/60 [81%] Title: Osiris Author: Michael O'Shea Size (KB): 159 Complete: Sadly no. Time period: DS9/Dominion War Era for Trek/post ROTJ era for Wars Summary: An excellent use of the Star Wars vehicle Link: http://www.daltonator.net/fanfics/stories/osiris.txt Quote: "Where the ooze had touched the buzzsaw the metal was now smoking and dissolving as though being eaten away by a very strong acid. The liquid spilling onto the ground was simply soaked up instantly, as though it had never been there. With a crash the leafless branches of the tree suddenly straightened and then started waving about like prehensile tentacles. The alarmed droid backed away as fast as its motivator could allow before another tree snagged it, wrapping several thick branches around it and drawing it towards a yawning opening in the side of the trunk. An opening with teeth. The droid sent one last burst transmission before it was dragged inside the opening and the teeth closed on its armored shell. Registering external damage the droid activated its self-destruct mechanism, detonating violently and ripping the tree apart in a spray of fleshy material and red gore. The lieutenant was staring at his screen unbelievingly. "Sir... I think this planet might be something else..." Vars was staring at the surface from his viewport, also in shock. Below on the surface the forest was rippling with such force it was visible from orbit. Whole mountain ranges were shifting and it seemed like a whole continent was ripping itself in half. Then he saw it. In the very center, swelling up from below, was a giant staring eye the size of a continent. "Holy shit!" He spun about white as a ghost. "Helm! Get us out of here, NOW!" TECHNICAL ACCURACY Logistical Considerations Logistics play a major role in this fanfic. The ways in which the characters go about solving their logistical difficulties is done in a most entertaining manner, from theft to plunder to slavery. A stunning example on how to do it right when writing using Imperials. 5/5 Consistency with Canon/Official Michael O'Shea seems to live and breathe Star Wars and Trek canon and official when writing his stories. He does make variations on canon and official tech, but they are so KICKASS and somewhat plausible that I will not subtract marks. Don't believe me? Read about the 'neutralizer' interdictor picket. His interesting solution to the manpower shortage does not deviate far from canon official sources. On the other hand, his tiny makeshift shipyard appeared to be able to compete with the Kuat Drive Yards. If he had just extended the time period of construction, this fanfic would have been completely technically feasible. O'Shea also uses tech from TPM, while few other ASVS authors have done so to date. 9/10 Fairness to the two sides It is difficult to tell at this point in the story, since the Imperials and the Feds have just met. But the Feds are horribly outmatched at this point, so I can only give O'Shea an average mark. 3/5 Total: 17/20 WRITTEN STYLE Creativity Everything about this fic is crazily creative in relation to other ASVS fanfic, from the Osiris concept to the weird technological innovations and species. Full marks for O'Shea. 5/5 Plot I like the beginning trial by fire. This sets a fast pace for the story. Then we get into a plotting stage reminiscent of _Imperial Phoenix_. O'Shea is constantly pushing the envelope on what he can accomplish in a Star Wars story. But his inexperience or fatigue in some areas becomes apparent, especially after the journey into wildspace, after which the story begins to sag. If O'Shea is to continue writing this fanfic, he should put as much emphasis on further parts as he does on the beginning. Regardless of its flaws, Osiris is a believable account of an Imperial 'invasion' and merits further reading. 8.5/10 Characterization Even O'Shea's expendable characters are well described. But his main characters seem somewhat cliched at times, if only because other authors have used similar characters more recently. I like the pirates as they offer a stark contrast to the Imperials. 8.5/10 Prose O'Shea's writing can give very vivid images when he wants to, and the reader is lucky in these instances. Passages in his fanfic appear to be written sometimes by a professional author. Though there have been reader complaints of too much detail, O'Shea generally has an excellent prose. 4.5/5 Fight Scenes The beginning fight scenes are of good quality for ASVS fanfic. Again, O'Shea's prose comes into play to deliver fight scenes in vivid detail. The fanfic does seem a little bit empty though; a few more battles wouldn't hurt. I notice the battles start picking up again at the most recently completed section. 8/10 Total: 36.5/40 Grand total: 52.5/60 [87.5%] Award(s) Wong: INTEREST AWARD for it's uniqueness and interesting story events Title: The Long Patrol Author: Commander Thelea [Marina O'Leary] Size (KB): 334 Complete: No Link: http://www.daltonator.net/fanfics/stories/longpatrol.txt Time Period: Post Dominion War ST/Post-ANH Empire [ESB?] Summary: An interesting take on the "silent-killer" genre; A Das Boot tale that should amuse Thelea fans and regular fanfic readers alike Quote: "Helm, swing us to orient on the incoming Miranda. Weaps, lock tube two on new target and standby. Reload tube one and prepare to fire! Sensors.. Keep feeding them data. And pray they don't stop transmitting!" They didn't. It was standard federation procedure to have one's sensors at maximum in a combat zone, and as they slowed, passing near the wreck of the Alexandria, they still kept sweeping space... And getting nothing. The Captain was a good man, and looked for a cloaked ship, but the tri-cloak system was infallible, virtually, with manuvering thrusters only and passive sensors. However, the orbital station also lit up the region with subspace energy, revealing it's self, but doing nothing else. Six small cargo ships there prepared to flee. "Captain, detecting new signatures.. Orbital base scanning.. Six power cores warming up there. And that escort is still blasting around with their sensors.. No sign they've detected us.... Losing them a bit in backwash from the destruction of the tender...." She took a deep, nevous breath. "Wait until they've cleared the tender... Weapons, status?" "Captain... Tubes one and two loaded and armed, ready for firing. Tube doors open.. Being fed targeting data from the passives. They can home in on their own passives as long as the Miranda keeps transmitting, and then go active if it stops." Elise nodded. "Alright. Prepare to fire as soon as you have a clear solution from sensors..." TECHNICAL ACCURACY Logistical Considerations Logistics are weaved into the plot, somewhat, but the damn ship goes too long without resupply. In fact, the fanfic is sized nearly 400 k already, and there hasn't been a single real resupply. It fights undercrewed and battle-worn. Almost like U-571. Thelea should be more careful to avoid creating a supership. 3.5/5 Consistency with Canon/Official The modifications to the ship are somewhat conjecture, but others are based in canon or official literature. The choice of a Strike Cruiser was good and effective, since German WWII submarines indeed emphasized mass-production if I am correct. Some of the weapons are not based in the canon or official, such as the large torpedoes. From the references to things as seemingly minor as stasis devices for the food, she shows an apt knowledge of SW canon and official. Thelea even uses a little-mentioned canon boarding device. 8.5/10 Fairness to the two sides Thelea propagates the theory that one Imperial Strike Cruiser is equal to a Federation Galaxy Class ship. This is demonstrated to great effect in the fanfic. Thelea has obviously taken fairness into consideration, coming up with definite standards to please herself and Trek readers. On the other hand, the freaking ship seems invincible at this point and I would like to see it get its ass kicked once in awhile. I'm sure it will eventually, but right now I cannot give this fic full marks. In addition, the DS9 raid is a bit of a stretch; I would think it would take at least two ships, even if it is the alcohol festival or whatever. 3.5/5 Total: 15.5/20 WRITTEN STYLE Creativity Very creative in regard to ASVS fanfic. Though this is clearly a "Das-Boot" fanfic, there is nothing like it in ASVS. OTOH some might call it a Das Boot rehash. I had also started writing a similar fic. If I was a vengeful bastard, (and I am) I'd take marks off for that, too, but my reviews must remain impartial. Oh, and the damn correspondent is overkill, making it _too_ Das Boot. And half the fricken names are German. This is Star Wars, remember? Anyway, the fanfic soon becomes very different from Das Boot, so there is no reason to severely penalize Thelea here. 4/5 Plot The beginning is a bit slow, but Thelea fans (and technophiles) should be pleased. There are arcane references "to put the broom up" and other things, which should be explained in more detail. Weirdly, chapter nine seems to repeat itself! The realities of convoy escort and destruction are handled well. We follow this strike cruiser on its adventure, though I would have liked to see a little more of the big picture. A view from the other side might be nice. The story becomes sometimes static and tiresome to read. One reason for this is Thelea's difficulty in maintaining reader interest in the story, as it does end up as being just another kill-a-thon. I am eager to see how events in the home galaxy affect the crew of the FSC-956 or whatever its called. I know that Thelea can inject more interest into this plot. 7/10 Characterization Commander Elise Kalar-Leben is the well-described main character of Thelea's fic. I really like the informal way in which the characters conduct themselves about and off the ship. I find it more realistic than in other fanfics. Thelea also knows how to gradually explain what her characters are up to. There is a good character revelation scene with Sisko's ghost. On the other hand, I found myself not giving a damn about the characters for much of the fanfic. Attempts to make their obviously evil nature seem okay did not succeed. I would have liked to have seem more about other characters besides the few executive officers and the correspondent, such as individuals gunners or troopers for example. 7.5/10 Prose I don't...think...the Captain Kirk....prose...that...Thelea uses....is...proper...but instead...disjointed...It separates thoughts with....periods.....Otherwise, she explains most plot elements satisfactorally. Some minor spelling/grammatical mistakes [e.g. she spelled saucer as sauce twice in a row, etc...], though I'm sure they'll be fixed up once Thelea updates her fanfic. Some passages are incomprehensible. And there are run on sentences that take up entire paragraphs! [Did she translate the work from German or something?] 3/5 Fight Scenes Combat was unsurprisingly submarine-like, almost as good as ST: II but not as suspenseful. It was still fun to watch Fed ships getting blasted out of nowhere, though. I like the way that battles seem to be decided by tactics, not firepower. [except against hapless freighters and the like] Their first warp kill is also good. Combat was easy to read and fun to follow. The who station invasion part seems like dangerous and stupid military adventurism. But it is handled well-enough. Clever (and crazy) tactics used there. I think the battle would have incurred more Imperial casualties, though, possibly more than it was worth. There is so much combat, in fact, that it is tiring. But this is, after all, a submariner fic, and Thelea's ship does indeed manage to fight just about every ship type of the Federation. Though the fight scene with the Defiant is simply too long and needs to be cut. 8/10 Total: 27.5/40 Grand total: 43/60 [72%] NOTE: Many of the flaws in this fanfic are easily correctable and will merit an increase in the mark once corrected. Please treat a version corrected by these recommendations as a superior version. -- -Doomriser