Subject: [FICREVIEW] Captain Warsie's First Fanfic Review Date: Mon, 29 Jan 2001 07:53:56 -0500 From: "Captain Warsie" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars As I sat patiently waiting for more IP, Expansion, Osiris, etc... I realized I could at least resurrect these titles and others by reviewing them. I consider myself qualified. Unlike other fanfic reviewers, I have actually written fanfic, over 100 KB of it, judged more by quality than quantity. [I'm not making fun of Eleas here, either. I know he's written fanfic.] In addition, I have read nearly every fanfic in the archive, culminating in my satirical fanfic Fist of the Blazing Wormhole. My promise: The fanfics reviewed in these reviews are subject to a marking scheme which will guarantee that they are able to receive from a 0 to 100 percent mark, even if they aren't by Mike Wong, about Wong's universe, Undocumented Features, or Attention On Deck! Marking schemes will be more like an English paper than anything else. That is what I am used to and it removes the need to just come up with a mark that "seems right" Marking Scheme: TECHNICAL ACCURACY is such an important part of ASVS fanfics that it deserves its own special section. Logistical Considerations Galactic invasions require massive logistical support and attention paid to it by the author. The same goes for starships which are stranded in other galaxies. If ignored, the fic becomes like Voyager. You'll notice there is no actual "technical accuracy" criteria. This is because if I find anything ridiculous, it will be dealt with in the next two criteria. Consistency with Canon/Official Pretty self-explanatory. Nobody wants to read about X-Wings armed with photon torpedoes (unless they have been specifically modified to do so) or light Jedi going around pointlessly strangling people. For a group of nitpickers like ASVS, people will notice if the Executor is written as 8 km long and be offended! Fairness to the two sides If someone tries to pull a fanfic where the U.S.S. Excelsior has teraton firepower (and we know it doesn't), they will be dealt with harshly. It's generally not fun to read an unfair fanfic (with few exceptions) and shouldn't be read if it goes against the (albeit constantly changing) calcs of the NG. Other details such as plot, characterization, prose, and so on will be covered in the other section. If you are submitting a fanfic (document by E-Mail or link any other way) be sure to add in a quote of your fanfic for me to display in my review or I will do it for you. Also, a link would be helpful, as well as any other relevant details which fit into the categories with which I introduce a fanfic. So without yet further ado Captain Warsie's First Fanfic Review Title: ISD Eliminator: Part I: Mercenary Author: Michael January Size (KB): 166 Complete: No (I hope more chapters arrive) Time Period: DS9 Era ST/ ESB era (and beyond!) SW Summary: An ISD is stranded in the Milky Way and decides to make the most of it. Link: http://www.daltonator.net/fanfics/stories/jan_isd.txt Quote: "The Cardassians were becoming easy pickings. His forces would have the planet under control in a few more minutes, then he could start loading the anti-deuterium fuel. He had no intention of delivering the fuel to Quark. The Ferengi had served his purpose. After this, they would have no need for further raiding for a long time. The anti-deuterium could fuel the freighters he had captured and also supplement their own requirements for power generation. "Sir. Major Ozzel reports he has secured the orbital station. He requests permission to execute prisoners." "Granted. We don't need witnesses." "Yes, Sir." Issard looked out of a nearby view-screen at the station as the Star Destroyer sailed past it's position. A number of small shapes were detaching themselves from the station and floating away into the vacuum. He squinted at the sight for a second before he realised what had happened. Ozzel was dumping the prisoners out of an airlock. Good man. He made a note to commend the soldier for saving precious blaster gas." TECHNICAL ACCURACY Logistical Considerations Much of the story revolves around logistics, which are once again some of the best I've ever seen thanks to January. Manufacturing facilities, Tibanna gas mining plants, antimatter scoops, and so-on play an integral role in the first part of the fanfic. 5/5 Consistency with Canon/Official More attention has been paid to canon and official details in January's most recent fanfic than ever before with the use of construction droids, and correct ship-lengths for Star Destroyers. On the other hand, much of the technology available to the Imperials is simply fabricated or put on the Star Destroyer without official or canon evidence of their existence. The devices used to build colonies are more reminiscent of a Master of Orion game than equipment likely to be found on a typical Star Destroyer. 7.5/10 Fairness to the two sides The main characters are both intelligent and motivated, in contrast to the flat characters of January's earlier efforts, and fanfics where the Feds are portrayed as stupid. The technological discrepancies are also handled in a fair and even-handed manner. 5/5 Total: 17.5/20 WRITTEN STYLE Creativity While Imperials have been stranded in, or invaded, the Milky Way, rarely has an ISD been unwittingly stranded there and decided to go build on, anyhow. Not a bad idea at all. 3.5/5 Plot January has taken special care this time to make a cohesive series which is evenly divided. It has a definite introduction and beginning, and is shaping up to have a good climax. I like the way the ST galaxy is discovered; it is a better effort than some of January's previous works. The first chapter is a bit slow, but then it moves on to a sort of detective investigation in the second chapter, and the action takes off from there. ISD Eliminator is shaping up to be a true masterpiece worthy of the large ASVS series such as IP and AAO against which other fanfics are measured. 9/10 Characterization January's best effort at characterization yet. More attention is paid to both major and minor characters. Thought-processes and background of existing canon Trek characters are handled better than in previous fanfics. 8.5/10 Prose January has fleshed out the tale better than ever before; his prose is thicker and his descriptions are more detailed. The story still runs at a fine pace, though. 4.5/5 Fight Scenes Because of the fairness of the fanfic, the Feds are not portrayed as stupid. [Perhaps January is being overly fair] There is an excellent fight scene involving the Defiant, and it should satisfy both Trekkies and Warsies alike. There is enough carnage to keep the average reader occupied in addition to the interesting plot. Fight scenes are very well-played; not simple exchanges of firepower but very dynamic indeed. Ground combat could be more detailed, however. 9/10 Total: 34.5/40 Grand total: 52/60 [87%] Title: Imperial Phoenix (Parts 1-4c) Author: Mark Sheppard Size (KB): 455 Complete: Damn well better start seeing new chapters soon, Sheppard! Time period: DS9/Dominion War era Trek - 19 years after ROTJ in SW Summary: THE Classic ASVS Fanfic Link: http://www.daltonator.net/fanfics/stories/IP.txt Quote: "Heavy weapons crews, get those E-Webs set up on the ridge top now!" Scrambling back to the top of the ridge, he saw that the entire plain had turned into a blackened crater, and most of the X-1s had been destroyed by the fusion bombs. But enough remained active to make him keep his head down. Most of the XR-85s, due to their heavier armor, remained intact. But first things first. Breaking out his FC-1 and loading an anti-armor round, he took aim at the nearest X-1. When the crosshairs on his HUD turned red, he pulled the trigger. The flechette canister tracked the X-1 in flight, and when it was ten meters away, detonated. The hail of dense anti-tank flechettes ripped through the X-1s outer armor, shredding several systems, but the droid immediately switched to backup systems. Ducking back under cover before the X-1's returning turbolaser bolt ripped through the air where his head had been, he saw the other troopers holding their weapons, waiting for a clear shot at the mindless killing machines." TECHNICAL ACCURACY Logistical Considerations Food supply and other logistics are dealt with, often in an entertaining fashion. Prototype World Devestators provide the Imperials with their supply and construction needs, though it seems a bit too easy for them at this point. 4/5 Consistency with Canon/Official IP is clearly written by an author with an intricate knowledge of the precepts of Trek and Wars canon and official material being debated at the time of the writing of the fanfic. On the other hand, the many twisted inventions of Sheppard's forces are somewhat questionable extrapolations of high-end Wars technology. Yet the basis in official material exists for these devices, and this reviewer awaits seeing them in operational use, where they will undoubtedly have great devastative effect. I will not, however, be able to give Sheppard full marks in this category until he can explain where Fifi came from! 9.5/10 Fairness to the two sides Sheppard appears to derive his technology estimates for the Federation and other aliens from their weakest instances of technology usage. His firepower and shielding estimates are probably derived from the famous 400 GW and 2.5 MJ laser quotes, the targeting quotes from when the Defiant strafed and repeatedly missed the 400 m long Lakota at close range, and other such examples. While watching an episode of Star Trek generally gives the impression that the Federation is rather pathetic at times, this fanfic has some of the strongest pro-Wars bias yet seen. This is balanced by the fact that Sheppard's ships are undercrewed and battle-scarred, as well as outnumbered. In addition, the reasons for the crappiness of the Fed tech is explained rather well, in contrast to other fanfics which make the opposition look weak for no reason at all. The fact that Paul Jacques is made into a Starfleet Battlecruiser captain, and is not shown to be unreasonably incompetent, leads me to believe that Sheppard has been more fair to Trek in this fanfic than many others believe. 4/5 Total: 17.5/20 WRITTEN STYLE Creativity Sheppard's fanfic is bursting with creativity, considering that it was what, the first, or one of the first, fanfics ever written by an ASVS denizen besides Michael Wong? Regardless of the order, Imperial Phoenix is a milestone in ASVS fanfic, being the first to incorporate ASVS characters into the plot. IP also contains references or themes from mainstream war and sci-fi media, such as Aliens, Starship Troopers, and probably Platoon or Apocalypse Now. 5/5 Plot Imperial Phoenix is the now formulaic story of the Imperial remnant striving to recreate itself in the Star Trek galaxy. Regardless of the familiarity of the concept, it should be the very first fanfic that new ASVS denizens read. Thus, it will not give a "deja-vu" feeling when being read. Sheppard's fic is also interspersed with humour, but sometimes it gets a little out of hand and detracts from the realism of the fanfic. There is another problem, which is a big chunk of planning right in the middle of the action. It seems out of place and should have been handled in a less cumbersome manner as it is a clumsy way to separate two differing parts of the story. I know Sheppard was quite indisposed at times during the writing of this fanfic, so I will be lenient but I hope to see more consistent and evenly portioned writing in future. In addition, the story begins to slide in the latter section; I hope Sheppard can pick it up before this fanfic loses it's 'A' status regarding plot development. The planning, control, and thought that obviously went into the first bit should be continued. We don't need a total breakdown in plot development like in certain fanfics centred around combat. 8/10 Characterization Heh. What can a reviewer say about the characters in IP? They are based on real ASVS denizens, but placing them as real characters in the SW Galaxy. There are many inter-alliance rivalries and quirky personality traits, and characters often have dark or hidden pasts. Much work has obviously gone into characterization and even possible "stock" characters are made interesting. Fun to read! 9/10 Prose Sheppard's writing style is very quick and direct. This is appropriate for a fast moving fic like IP. Even then, Sheppard manages to fit plenty of detail into his paragraphs. Well done. Furthermore, details about the Imperial and Milky Way forces are explained thoroughly, so that newbies can understand what is going on. 4.5/5 Fight Scenes It would be difficult to find better combat than this; either in a Star Wars movie or other ASVS fanfic. The fic practically opens with intense combat, and doesn't stop at all throughout the rest of the adventure. There's ground combat, ship combat, boarding party combat, and ever so much more, guaranteed to satisfy all schools of fanfic addicts. Instead of wasting time describing it to you, go read it yourself if you haven't already. 10/10 Total: 36.5/40 Grand total: 54/60 [90%] Award(s) won: COMBAT EXCELLENCE AWARD! RECCOMENDED READING Title: Honor Bound Author: Rob Dalton Size (KB): 157 Complete: No Time Period: Post Dominion War ST/Post-ANH Empire [ESB?] Summary: A satisfactory sequel, entertaining though strictly standard fare. Link: http://www.daltonator.net/fanfics/stories/hb.txt Quote: " He looked amongst the weapons, his eyes suddenly drawn to a peculiar-looking knife. Looking at the grooves on it's handle, he noticed several similar-looking grooves under the barrel of the M1. Suddenly, it clicked. With a evil gleam in his eye, Sheppard picked up the bayonet/knife from the table and attached it to his M1. Turning around, he saw the shattered body of the Federation officer disappear, to be replaced by a fresh victim. An evil, blood-thirsty grin slowly spread across his face. "WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THI---UUURRRK!" shouted Jacques, his speech cut short as Sheppard emitted a blood- curdling scream and charged up to him, burying the bayonet deep into his gut. Sheppard heard the Federation Weenie moaning and screaming in agony at the pain of having a bayonet jammed into his gut. Smiling, he slowly twisted the bayonet, causing even greater pain. Suddenly, at that moment, the holodeck doors hissed open. In stepped Admiral Zeda. Hurriedly, Sheppard tried to extract the bayonet from Jacques. It was stuck! Grunting, Sheppard put his foot onto Jacques' chest. It STILL wouldn't come out! Finally, in frustration, Sheppard fired, the impact of the .30 cal bullet knocking Jacques off his bayonet, and sending intestines flying all over the room, splattering Sheppard...and Admiral Zeda. Zeda just stared at him for several seconds. "Uh, Captain Sheppard," he said. "Captain Strowbridge has completed his selections; it's your turn." TECHNICAL ACCURACY Logistical Considerations What logistics? Maybe it was covered in the previous 'book', but there is not a single mention of freighters, manufacturing facilities, or refuelling needs that particularly stands out. This detracts from the realism of the fanfic, making it seem more of a silly romp instead of the seriousness/black comedy that Dalton seems to be aiming for. 3/5 Consistency with Canon/Official Dalton uses only canon or official ship types for Wars ships, making this an easy call. His use of the force is patterned after canon events in the movies. However, there is still some speculation involved, and Dalton does not show an express knowledge of canon or official literature as he does in other fanfics. As a result, some of the fanfic seems largely made up with lack of restraint, as in the technological modifications and hybrids, preventing me from giving full marks. 8/10 Fairness to the two sides The Imperials don't actually walk all over the opposition, but the pro-Wars bias is very strong. Approaching IP level, the fanfic suffers because the Feds are simply taken as stupid weak fools, and the inclusion of the incompetent Paul Jacques and especially TOWNMNBS does not help. The reasons for the weakness of the Feds are not explained as well as in IP. 3/5 Total: 14/20 WRITTEN STYLE Creativity One main plot element, the whole "I am your father" thing, is something we've already seen before. While the supernatural events are indeed interesting, most of the story is the same old ideas from Sheppard's, January's, and countless other fanfics. Rob Dalton told me to review this fanfic specifically first because "Honor Bound is better." I choose to disagree. BOG didn't take itself so seriously and was a more dynamic fanfic that this one. This fanfic seems oddly empty and dry when bereft of the wild ideas allowed into BOG. Yet the holodeck scene is very creative and deserves special merit. While the co-ordination between Dalton and Hit-Man is unprecedented, on the whole, the fanfic is nothing new. Besides, I'm judging this as a standalone fanfic. 3.5/5 Plot The story opens like an evil version of Patton, and from then on the reader knows that a decent fanfic has probably been produced. We see a lot of standard writing techniques, such as alliteration, foreshadowing at the beginning and especially lead-ins to paragraphs. Dalton knows how to create reader interest in a story through the use of suspense and some of the above-mentioned techniques, though they are overused and end up becoming tiresome. Interesting handling of the afterlife, it turns out to be very fun and raises the plot of this fanfic above other average fare. 7.5/10 Characterization I'm not sure I like his passive descriptions of the workings of his characters' minds. Seeing into their thoughts may be more appropriate. I do like the way a certain Captain has to deal with his actions, as well as the doings of a malevolent entity. They, and the mockery of TOWNMNBS save the sometimes placid characters and character interaction. Character descriptions are good as well. 7.5/10 Prose Dalton isn't really all that descriptive. A Base-Delta-Zero operation in this fanfic can take less than a paragraph. Well, okay, the Risa BDZ was alright, I guess. Furthermore, even though Dalton does not often paint a vivid picture, the storyline still moves along slowly, caught in the mud of Dalton's indecisive and cumbersome prose. Battles are often interrupted in the middle, as explained in the next section. 3/5 Fight Scenes Combat occasionally got blocked by character descriptions that should have been dealt with beforehand, as well as silly incidents that serve only to confuse things. Combat was also slowed down by hyperbole somewhat. Ground combat was good enough, but I've seen better. It is not that detailed either; just talk of multicoloured beams of light.and uniform colours. Evidently Dalton has described ground combat as some kind of multicoloured light festival. I would have liked to see more descriptive, say, explosions or gore. It is really cool when the Tarkin manoeuvre is pulled, however, so I'll give him an A here. 8/10 Total: 29.5/40 Grand total: 43.5/60 [73%] -Doomriser