From: tierce@my-dejanews.com

Rebel Science Theather 3000 (Re: Second contact.)
------------------------------------------------------

(It was another bright sunny morning on the prison moon, where are Rebel
heroes are still held captive. The twins are busy playing Rebellion.)

Lando: So tell us more about this dream you had, Leia.

Leia: Well, we've made an escape attempt while the Alliance fleet hammered the
Federation.

Lando: Then what.

Leia: We've stole Voyager and left the moon, until a squadron of Tie Fighters
shot us down.

Bel Iblis: Lousy Imperials. To think, we actually stood up for them when Paul
would insult them, and their tactics.

Threepio: You think that's bad, you should here what they said about us just
recently. Many of the remarks are about our crude humor.

Luke: That's it.

Threepio: Master Luke?

Han: It's a known fact, Goldenrod, that shows with cruder humor, for example
'The Simpsons', 'Married with Children', and 'South Park' have became more
popular because of their humor. When was the last time 'Full House' held a
candle to Homer Simpson.

Callista: I hate to admit it, the Imperials do have a point. We are somewhat
more crude then they are.

Luke: Well we are human. It's natural for a boy Jacen's age to look at naked
anime holograms. When being forced to listen to someone like Paul, it's
natural for people to snap.

Wedge: And when your wife sees you with your ex-girlfriend, it's natural for a
catfight to break out.

Luke: Hey!

Wedge: Anyway, I say let them bicker. We may be crude, but that's all because
of our backgrounds. Half of us were raised on the streets or the farms. None
of us went to any 'preppy rich white boy school that teaches everyone to
speak with a British accent'.

Leia: Hey, I went to one of those schools.

Ackbar: You're different. You were always a tom boy, rough and tumble.

Winter: And me?

Ackbar: What are you doing here? You have haven't been in the last two posts.

Winter: I've been written out by mistake.

Talon: That almost happened to me. Anyway, it makes me wonder how many of
those Imperials were picked on as little. I can just see someone like little
Pellaeon being jumped while someone takes his lunch money.

Han: Gilad Pellaeon, there is someone who should talk.

Luke: Why?

Han: Remember what Piett said about Corellians being alcoholics?

Luke: Yeah!

Han: You know what Pallaeon is? A Corellian himself. I'm surprised he didn't
defend his culture when Piett said that. Plus he lied about his age just to
get into the Imperial Navy.

Mon Montha: Besides the Empire has no right to call us the bad guys for our
crude behavior.

Leia: Afterall, the New Republic never destroyed any worlds.

Ackbar: Enslaved any races.

Gaerial: Give any world to be fodder for the Ssi-Ruuk.

Obi-Wan: Destroyed a fair government that was good for 25,000 years and
butcher the Jedi Knights.

Callista: Some order they created!

Bel Iblis: So what if they have better family values. What's more preferable,
an Al Bundy running a descent society, or a Mr. Rogers with a Death Star?

Lando: I thought we said we were going to let the Imperials bicker. Now look
at what we're doing. We don't need to do this.

Han: Exactly! What's important is that we got it where it counts.

Chewie growls.

Han: No, I am not trying to use any incest humor. I mean, the Imps are just
jealous because they know we can always kick their ass. For Kessel, even teddy
bears can kick their ass. Then to top it off they want to surrender and form a
peace treaty because they're losing. If you ask me, (laughing) they're a
combination of the British and French.

Wedge: Then what are we?

Threepio: I think we're more like the Americans. After all, their leader is
just as crude as we are.

Lando: That's not something to be proud of.

Winter: Hey, it's who we are.

Artoo beeps and whirps.

Threepio: Artoo asks if that'll be enough Imperial bashing for one episode.

Bel Iblis: I guess so.

ST-Computer: In coming message from Starfleet Command.

(Lt. Ezri Dax appears on the screen which was the same screen that the twins
were on playing Rebellion.)

Ezri: Hey guys.

Jaina: Hey, we were playing a game.

Jacen: Cut the girl some slack.

Jaina: You only say that because I'm winning.

Winter: Hey aren't you that Trek chick that the author has a thing for?

Ezri: Yup, it's kinda fun though. Now I know he won't make me look like an
idiot, or a dyke, or a bitch, or a personification on how bad Star Trek is. I
find it more even more flattering than someone actually me over Jadiza. Plus,
did you notice how I was the only intelligent starfleet officer in the last
post.

Lando: We notice she's a moter mouth.

Han: Well, the Author has to stay in character with all of us.

Leia: Wait a minute. What do you mean about the last post?

Ezri: I was talking about the victorious rebel attack against the Federation.

Leia: I though I dreamed that.

Ezri: Well, actually when Biggs and Dash detonated the wormhole, they
released a temperal shockwave which opened an isolinear rift that interfered
with the anti-spartal time fluxulation which reversed the flow of time in a
spiral trajectory... oh wait! You guys don't know technobabble right?

Rebels: That's right.

Ezri: Well, then you better just call it a dream. Anyway, I got some good news
and some bad news.

Leia: Let me guess, the bad news is that Paul has another post for us.

Ezri: Actually this is his first crack at at fanfiction.

Rebel chorus: Groan!

Ezri: But the good news is that I'm not going to make you guys read it. I
figured you been through enough.

Han: Really!?!

Leia: That's the nicest thing anyone has done for us so far.

Ezri: But before I forget, someone name Johnny Cochrane is here to see you
two. And there is a package for a... (reads the package) Lando Calrissian.

Lando: That's me.

Ezri: Good, I'll beam it over. C'ya later (The screen goes blank).

Leia: What a nice girl. Talks alot, but still nice

(Lando's package beams down)

Winter: Hey, Lando, what is it?

(Lando opens the package, and is looking at a small book.)

Lando: Very funny, Thrawn.

Han: That's from Thrawn,

Lando: He sent me a copy of "Sabacc Made Simple".

Han: (laughs) Well now that you have it read chapter five

Lando (turns to chapter Five):  "How not to be cheated out of your most prized
starship... especially with your own deck of cards."... cute Han.

Luke: Well what are you going to do.

Leia: I know, send Thrawn a Tickle-me Noghri doll with knife.

Luke: Sis, that's cold.

Leia: Well he should have known better after all...

Threepio: Excuse me, Princess Leia, I thought we were not going to do any more
Imperial bashing.

Bel Iblis: Anyway, who is this Johnny Cochrane?

Han: Our lawyer.

Bel Iblis: You're actualy going to sue the Emperor for custody. I don't know
if you'll win, they have a good case against you.

Han: That's why we hired Johnny Cochrane, he'll get Anakin from them even if
me and Leia are pyscho paths.

ST Computer: Incoming message from Deep Space Nine.

Wedge: Again.

(Sisko and Kira appears on the screen.)

Kira: Well, look who it is. The rebel smart asses who almost destroyed Bajor,
the Prophets, and Starfleet.

Gaerial: Look it's the Bajorian bitch who can't act.

Kira: Cute, coming from a Barukan.

Han: What do you want.

Sisko: We're here to drop off Paul's fic that a certain trill neglected to do.
While you read this, we'll be dealing with a little rebel synthesizer. I wish
she would be more like Jadzia.

Kira: Enjoy. Kira out.

Gaerial: What a bitch.

In article <_uTn2.12288$dB4.391575@carnaval.risq.qc.ca>,
  he791859@merlin.uqam.ca (PAUL JACQUES H.JR) wrote:
> SECOND CONTACT

Luke: Is this that story where two Borg drones take out the SW galaxy?

Mon Montha: I hope not!

> Data: Our slipstream travel has been successful captain. We are in the
>       galaxy 666.

Rebel chorus: Galaxy 666!

Winter: Well you must admit, it's better than the 'Milky Way'. Now, there is a
stupid name.

> Picard: I am impress by the modification made by Seven of Nine.

Jaina: What a pervert. Even Jacen's and daddy's Sailor Porn bit was not that
bad. But Seven of nine! She's a ...

Leia: Jaina!

Jacen: But wait! I taught he was gay?

Han: He's over-competsating.

> Riker: 10,000 LY in 1 second! I am happy that Voyager came back
>        a month ago.

Wedge: And knowing Janeway, they crashed on Jupiter.

Talon: And with Voyager home, the premise for the show is gone.

Ackbar: That means the show is cancelled.

Threepio: Funny, we talk as if it's a bad thing.

> Data: Captain, I am picking up nine big ships.

Bel Iblis: I always taught you were suppose to pick up chicks,

Wedge: Maybe he meant fat chicks, hence 'ships'.

Chewie roars again.

Wedge: We seriously know what Data meant. But you can't have a MST post
without doing this kind of stuff.

> Picard: On screen

Gaerieal: That's another question. Why do Federation ships have a big screen
as its main veiwer. Shouldn't a bridge be transparent?

Ackbar: Poor Federation workmanship and design.

> On the view screen appears 8 Imperial Star Destroyers with one Super
> Star Destroyer.
>
> Data: They are trying to communicate with us captain.

Han: (immitates an Imperial officer) Yes, you would like you to turn off your
warp core. It's a hazard to the sub-space and an violation of the eco-galactic
code #1172.

> Picard: Open a channel M. Data.

Luke: Who's M Data?

> On the view screen, a man appears.
>
> Admiral Piett: I am admiral Piett and you will surrender your
>                ship to us or else.

Lando: (Immiatating Picard) Or else what!

> Data: They are powering up their weapons captain. I've scan them and
>       they are no threat to us... They are firing on us.

Leia: No threat.

Han: Faulty Federation sensors.

Leia: Ahh!

> Picard: Shield on.

Gaeriel: (singing and clapping) 'Clap on. Shields on. Clap on. Shields on...
the Clapper.'

> A few moments after.

Wedge: The Enterprise has been destroyed, and the Empire goes out for pizza.

> Riker: have we been hit?

Bel Iblis: No, you've been bitch slapped.

> Data: Yes, sir.

> Riker: We didn't feel a thing.

Winter: Well, that maybe that could be due to a drug problem. Leia can relate.

Leia: That was not me. That was the actress who played me in the Trilogy.

Winter: Details, details.

> Data: Their weapons don't use NDF, only direct transfers. They could not
>       go through are navigational shield.

> Picard: Open a channel M. Data.

> Admiral Piett: What is this, you ship wasn't damage.

Ackbar: The only possible explaination is that the Imperials didn't fire their
weapons.

> Picard: Your technology can affect us.

Jaina: That's true. Our technology can affect them.

Jacen: Doesn't say much, in "The Survivors' and imaginary ship could destroy
them.

> Admiral Piett: Impossible! Are calcs proves us otherwise.

Lando: And those calcs are right

> Picard: Don't force us to fire back.

Rebel chorus: 'Force them. Force them.'

Obi-Wan: Use the Force.

Luke: Why do want me to do that.

Obi-Wan; I only said it to get a line in. We get paid by the more lines we
say,

Jaina: Then that Ezri girl must be a millionaire by now (luaghs).

> Admiral Piett: We have shields you know.

Mon Montha: but we don't need to raise them

> Picard: Data

Gaeriel: (Mimicing Picard) Data, how was I in bed last night.

Winter: Gaery, that's sick!

Gaeriel: Don't call me Gaery.

> Data: Their shield won't resist our weapons.

Leia: Yeah, like shield are designed to cooperate with weapons.

> Admiral Piett: That's a lie! Fire all batteries on that ship.

Ackbar: Piett's going to fire batteries at the Enterprise.

Talon: You know what they say. They keep on going, and going on.

Wedge: Oh, your not talking about that Energizer commerical that has the
Energizer Ewok!

> Picard: Admiral, we come in peace.

Mon Montha: That's why you have people like Janeway who picks fights with
every alien in the Delta Quaderent.

> Data: All their ships are firing at us.

Threepio: (Mimicing data) We are destroyed!

> A moment after.
>
> Riker: We still didn't feel a thing.

Gaerial: I bet that's what all the women say to Riker.

Callista: Ouch! That was cold.

> Picard: Return fire.
>
> Data: Yes, sir.
>
> On the view screen we see the Enterprise-E torpedos hitting the ISDs and
> destroying them.

Jaina: I bet Phong's mad now.

Jacen: Why?

Jaina: Because Q just violated the FAQ, again.

Jacen: How do we know it's Q?

Jaina: How else can the Enterprise take out nine Stardestoyers.

> Data: They are all destroyed, sir.
>
> Picard: Well this is sad, but we will make our report to Starfleet.
>
> Riker: What are you going to say.

Han: What you alway say, 'Goto Hell' or 'Up yours'.

Leia: Han!

Han: Well, that's what they say to Starfleet. Watch ST:6 or ST:FC.

> Picard: That we went in the Galaxy 666 and we saw the devil. But we sent
>         him back to hell.

Luke: Well, at least Paul's first fanfic is over with.

(The door opens and the Thrawn of lawyers: Johnny Cochrane walks in to greet
Han and Leia.)

Johnny Cochrane: I'm looking for a Leia Organa Solo.

Leia: I'm right here. I'm glad you could make make it Mr. Cochrane. This is my
husband Han, and our children: Jaina and Jacen.

Johnny Cochrane: What nice children.

Jaina: Hey, are you related to Zephrane Cochrane?

Johnny Cochrane: No, thank god.

Han: Anyway, we can goto the back to discuss the case.

Luke: Hey, Mr. Cochrane, before you go. Do you know a good attorney for the
divorce court.

Lando: (to Luke) You're leaving Mara?

Luke: Why not, she'll be a borg drone at the end of the IST3k's next season.
Plus the only reason I married her is because Zahn made me. And finally she's
a weakling, getting her ass kicked by an HRD assassian driod that I can wax
as a Jedi novice.

(Callista looks at Obi-Wan who is pre-occupied.)

Callista: What is it?

Obi-Wan: I sense much ahead.

Callista: Like what?

Obi-Wan: The custody battle, will possible become a finfic of its own. The
divorce between Luke and Mara. What'll happen to Ezri, and plus all the low
humor and unmoral jokes we use.

Winter: It feel's like Melrose Place.

(To be continued)

*****
-Major Tierce

"Are you kidding? I've been doing the Vulcan death grip since I was
four." -Cordelia Chase