------------------------------------------------------------ Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Subject: [MiSTing] Little Red Riding Hood From: Chuck Sonnenburg Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999 20:40:24 -0800 *...2....3...4...5...6...door Crow: Nope, sorry, inadmissable. Tom: Of course it is you big goof. Crow: Not in the movie, doesn't count. Tom: It's part of the whole mythology. The directors approved it all. Crow: Doesn't matter, inadmissable. Tom: AARGGHH! Mike: (entering picture) Hi, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. You may have noticed Tom and Crow are arguing in one of the classic "vs." arguments right now. Let's watch. Crow: It doesn't matter what you say, Obi-wan wins hands down. Tom: Not a chance. What's he going to do, walk up and go "ooga booga"? Crow: That's all the Blair Witch could do. Tom: I'm telling you, the Blair Witch would kick Obi-wan's ghost's spectral butt all over the place. Mike: We'll be right back. (commercial) Mike: (center stage) Okay, to settle the Star Wars vs. The Blair Witch Project debate once and for all I'll be the moderator. Crow, you go first. Crow: Thank you. Obi-wan Kenobi, former Jedi Knight, defeater of Darth Maul, conquered death when he was struck down by Darth Vader and continued to teach his pupil from beyond the grave. Notice that he was struck down by a Sith Lord, whereas the Blair Witch starved to death when driven from the village, not too much to compare is there. This training brought the end to the Empire thus proving that Obi-wan is the best ghost, period. Mike: Servo your rebuttal. Tom: Mike I have but one thing to say to my opponent. There is no way Obi-wan would ever persuade Luke to mercilessly slaughter all the people the Blair Witch did. No chance. Mike: He does have a point Crow. Crow: Ah you're both nuts. (light flashes) Tom: Oh, looks like Mary Brown is calling. (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester:(typing) Kirk....vs. ... a bowl of oatmeal. Send! Well monkeyboy, have you recovered from the hurting you got from Janeway's Surprise? (SOL) Tom: Oh, man, don't remind us. Mike: I'm still have flashbacks. (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: Good, I'm glad to know the pain is setting in. Speaking of pain, it's time for the invention exchange. You know, as a spreader of evil and misfortune there's nothing I like more than a good computer virus, right Frank? Frank: Absolutely, there's nothing quite like the sickening feeling that descends on a computer user when they know they have a twelve hundred dollar paperweight. But, alas, people have become overly protective of their machines causing many a good virus to be wiped out before it reaches ebola proportions. Dr. Forrester: Right, so that's why we created the retro- virus. Unlike current viruses which continue to grow and cause problems as time goes on, the retro-virus causes problems to your computer before you even get it. Frank: Remember that time your files disappeared for no reason? Looks like you'll get the retro-virus. Dr. Forrester: Oh, I'm sorry, did your mouse driver disappear? Looks like you'll get the retro-virus. Frank: And the beauty is, by the time you get it, it's already done it's work. Dr. Forrester: Ball's in your court Nelson. (SOL) Mike: Well, with everyone on the satellite having "Blair Witch" fever, we decided to create the Blair Witch Project home game. Servo, would you explain please. Tom: The Blair Witch Project home game is designed to recreate for you the feeling of watching the popular film in your very own home. As you can see, we've got our boardgame, and it's Crow's turn. Crow: I've rolled a three, which means I move three spaces and draw a card. (reads card) "Say a sentence that contains the "f" word four times." Mike: Why don't we skip that for the sake of the audience. Crow: Fair enough. Okay, so my team of film students sets up camp, and I end my turn. Tom: Now, to add the feeling of tension, bouncyness, and feelings of motion sickness accomplished by the camera work, everyone takes a shot of vodka. (They drink) Mike: Yes, the spirits are out in full force in this exciting new game. Tell 'em how it ends Tom. Tom: The game ends when someone falls over into unconsiousness and is left on the front lawn by the other players, or until someone in an alcoholic fog is actually convinced they see the Blair Witch. Crow: What do you think sirs? (Deep 13) Frank: Kirk vs. oatmeal? Dr. Forrester: Think evil Frank. Frank: What's so evil about oatmeal? Dr. Forrester: Frank, I'm trolling. What do you want, I'm evil! (laughs maniacally) Speaking of dripping lumps of grain products, it's time for this weeks experiment. I told you this group was evil, well you want to know just how bad? Frank: They've been sending in all kinds of stuff for this week's experiment. Dr. Forrester: Yes, I'm afraid they're quite the sadistic bunch. (SOL) Mike: Please, please, just tell me Janeway's not in it! Tom: (reading) "What was the name of the car on Nightrider? Answer, then smoke a cigarette." (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: Well, Nelstone, you're in luck, since it seems Janeway is nowhere to be found. However, I'm still going to have to send you another fanfic. Frank: And not just any fanfic, we're talking Hans- Christian-Anderson-having-a-fever-dream fanfic. Dr. Forrester: That's right Frank. No Grimm brothers here, just plain grimness. I'm afraid there's no shortcut to grandma's house to take you past Little Red Riding Hood. Better leave the nightlite on Nelson. (SOL) (alarm sounds) Mike, Crow, Tom: Ah! We've got Fanfic sign!!! 6...5...4...3...2...* >By: Major Tierce Crow: Directed by Seargent Pepper Mike: Produced by Colonel Sanders Tom: Distributed by Private Parts Mike: Soundtrack by Captain Kangaroo Crow: Editing by Admiral Buttocks Tom: Managed by Corporal Punishment >[FANFIC] "Little Red Riding Hood" 1/1 Crow: Why does every fanfic title sound like a porn video? > Hey, I just thought I'd start and finish this before I goto class. >This is >only a short, spur of the moment fic that is meant to be fun to read. >Enjoy >Little Red Riding Hood Mike: You know,on second thought, it sounds more like some kind of joint. >[Disclaimer: George Lucas owns Star Wars. Paramount owns Star Trek. >Little >Red Riding Hood is owned by... wait! No one owns that story.] Tom: Nope, all fairy tales were bought out by Microsoft in a hostile takeover. >***** >"Outpost Log, Stardate 12345... >It's been two weeks and there is still no word from the latest supply >convoy, >and we're almost out of food. Crow: We'll have to start eating the ensigns and when they run out, break out the emergency rations. >Our last hope is that we could find some edible >vegetation on this forest moon. But, the Ensign West was killed on the >latest >scouting mission, his red shirt torn in many pieces." Tom: Oh, red riding hood is dead. Let's go. Crow: Sorry Servo, standard toasted redshirt. Mike: (as Worf) MMMM, toasted redshirt sounds good. >Commander Wolf signed with no relief as he ended the latest log; Mike: Perhaps some Prune Juice will help. Tom: Mike, your reading skills suck. It's Commander Wolf, not Worf. Mike: Well prune juice could still help his problem. >his mind was >focused on the latest whereabouts of the convoy. He knew that the >secret >research done on his outpost could tip the war against Galactic Empire >in his >favor. But not if the science team starves to death. Crow: Aw, you can find a downside to anything. Tom: Where's that starfleet optimism? >The doors open and Odo walks in the doorway. >"Any news from the convoy or Starfleet." Wolf asked. Mike: Yes, what exactly does "piss off" mean? >"You are well aware that communication with Starfleet is not allowed >for >security reasons." Odo stated, "And about the convoy, there is only one >obvious conclusion." Mike: It's been hijacked by gnomes. >"An Imperial Attack?" >"I'm afraid so..." The Changeling confirmed. Tom: Odo's a bishop as well as security. >"That's impossible...." The commander sighed, "What do we do? The Imps >might attack this outpost." >Odo laughed, Crow: Odo looks forward to the death of the Federation. >"Not with our security grid up, even their X1-Viper Droids would >be turned into tin foil." Mike: Wow, what are they made of? Tom: Er, tin foil, but that's beside the point! >"But, we must find out. I order you to scout the area." Crow: You're not the boss of me. >The constable nodded and walked towards the exit. >"Wait!" The commander halted, "You can't go like that. Mike: You're wearing white after labor day! And you call yourself a soldier. >Then the Imps will >spot you. You need some way to scout unnoticed." Tom: (as Odo)Thank you sir. I never would have thought of sneaking around on my own. >All the commander got was a >blank reply, Crow: Not a thought in his Betty Crocker head. >"You're a shapeshifter, turn into a forest critter." Mike: (as Wolf) Do a bunny. I like bunnies. >***** >Odo's trek through the woods was long and tedious Crow: Believe me, we know how you feel. Tom: Who would have thought a tree would have so much trouble walking around. >in the wolf-state he was >in. He didn't know why he choose to walk around as a wolf, his >judgement told >him that he Imperial (if they are here) wouldn't spot him, and if they >did, >then in a predator form, Odo would stand a better chance. Tom: Then why not be a Velociraptor or something? Mike: Could you imagine if Red Riding Hood ran across a Velociraptor? Crow: Grandma, what big crescent shaped talons you have. >He's been out for >four hours and hasn't heard or seen anything remotely similar to >activity. >Then suddenly, he smelled something burning; Mike: What the, my waffles!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! >it had the foul stench of >burning fuel and metal. The nose guided him to the odor's point of >origin, >with was a flaming shipwreck. He surveyed the ship and didn't recognize >it Crow: Do you think you could pick the ship out of a line-up? >as anything from the Empire, nor was the pilot, young female wearing a >red hood, >did not look like an Imperial. Mike: Yes, I believe the LSD is setting in right about now. >"Excuse me." Odo said, as the girl was busy taking a picnic basket out >of the >ship's side compartment. Tom: Warning: suspension of disbelief field collapsing. Incredulousness imminent. >When he spoke, she swirled and quickly gasped with >an ounce of fear and climbed on the ship, keeping distance between >herself >and Odo. Crow: Look, I'm human and your a wolf, I'm afraid it just won't work out. >The young lady only stared, then slowly as she swallowed some strength, >"Who are you, some talking wolf?" Tom: We've got a smart one here. Mike: Now tell us if we're in a forest. >( Wolf? ) Odo wondered, ( Oh, Damn! I forgot to change back to my >normal form. ) Mike: Well, at least into that Pillsury Dough Boy form that's supposed to pass for human. >"I'm not going to hurt you." He replied, "You can come down." >The girl, stood on the wrecked ship for a brief moment, then she >decided to step down and approach the wolf. Crow: Sucker! Tom: The dumb ones are tastier! >"Are you alright?" He asked. >"I... I'm fine. My ship just crashed and I think I'm stranded here." >The girl explained. Mike: I'm going to be kind and assume she has a concussion. >"You're warp core mostly likely had a mis-fluctuation with the primary >tri-linear matrix in the binary power coupling that caused a plasma >conduit >eruption by the quantum polarity modulator when you ship entered the >anti-parallel ionosphere of this planet." Mike: I understood most of that, but what's a planet. Tom: An elongated spheroid composed of silicates occupying an elliptical orbit around an active solar body. Mike: Well why didn't he just say so? >The red hooded woman glared for a moment, then just giggled innocently; >"You >talk funny. Crow: This woman inspired the phrase "stupid is as stupid does". >Anyway, do you anywhere that I can fix my ship or call for help?" Tom: It depends, do you have triple A? Mike: Man, they'll go anywhere. >The changeling/wolf stood for a second, he considered whether or not to >tell >her about the outpost, then decided, "No, I'm sorry my dear..." Crow: I'm afraid you'll have to die out here. >She smiled back, "That's okay. I'll just see what I can do with my >ship." >By now Odo was a bit into his character, as he was licking himself, Mike: Yeah, I'm sure he was just doing it to stay in character. >"All >right, I better... get back to my... kittens. Tom: How did the Dominion last so long if changelings were so dumb? >I hope you fix your ship." >She turned around and started to look at her ship, Tom: Maybe I can glue the wing back on. Mike: I'll bet there's a glue tree around here somewhere. >Odo started to walk back >towards the outpost, he though maybe he could inform the commander of >what happened, and they might help the girl out. Crow: (as Odo)Perhaps I'll mark the Federation's territory on the way back. >***** >"You're serious?" Commander Wolf asked Odo. >"Yes! I'm serious, for the last time." Tom: I just don't find you attractive! >Replied the shapeshifter, "I found a young woman who crashed her ship." >"And she was wearing a red hood?" Crow: The KKK is getting much more fashionable these days. >"Yes." >"You mean to tell me that you came across Little Red Riding Hood on >this outpost moon?" The commander laughed. >"Little Red who?" >"Don't tell me no-one told you that story?" The middle aged commander >laughed again. Crow: The commander's always this way when he's drunk. >"I don't have time for stories..." Odo countered. "Enlightened." Mike: Oh, looks like the changeling's been hitting the sauce too. >"Little Red Riding Hood is an old children's story about a little girl >lost >in the woods." A young Starfleet scientist, who goes by the name of, >Doctor >Eliza Gold explained. Crow: (as Gold) Comm. Riker asked me to play that game once. >"You mean I ran across a fairy tale character?" >"Possibly, after all, didn't something like this happen on Deep Space >Nine?" The Doctor asked Odo. Mike: Yes, but that doesn't mean it makes sense. >"Now that you mentioned it, it has." Odo pondered, "Captain Sisko >imagined >some legendary baseball hero, Chief O'Brien imagined he saw another >fairy >tale, and Doctor Bashir imagined a more promiscuous Dax..." Tom: And her name turned out to be Ezri. >"No doubt to fulfil his unfruitful fantasies." Wolf sniped. "But is >that possible?" >"With the temporal gamma disturbances in the ionosphere of this planet, >it's possible." Eliza confirmed. Tom: Sheesh. Anything is possible to starfleet! Mike: Watch it, if you flush the toilet you might travel back in time. >"The question is what to do?" >"Take advantage of it." The Commander said. "Odo, did she happen to >carry a >picnic basket." >"Yes, why?" >"And what is a picnic basket filled with?" He asked, but the changeling >and the doctor did not respond, so he answered, "... food." Crow: I smell the nicotine stained hand of Rod Serling all over this. >"Wait! You're thinking of stealing for that sweet little girl?" Odo >thought in disgust. Tom: (as Wolf) Oh, there you go with that whole morality thing again! >"She's not a little girl, remember she's a temporal disturbance, and we >need >the food right now." Mike: So, wouldn't that make the food a temporal disturbance? Tom: I guess it'd be kind of like chinese food then. >Wolf reminded, "Much like what happened on Deep Space Nine." Tom: Except there we didn't start mugging them. >"Actually, what happened on DS9 was an experiment from three superior >beings." Mike: They began slapping one another and making nyuck nyuck sounds. >Odo corrected, "Something far worse." The Federation computer >suddenly chimed, interrupted the conversation, "Ah, it must be that >girl.... >Ahem, come in." Tom: We were just discussing who should kill you. >The outside door made a whooshing sound as it opened, daylight entered >softly, and the little girl that the Starfleet commander was hoping to >she walked in. Mike: I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. >"Excuse me, my ship crashed, and I... hey!" The little girl was in for >a >surprise when Commander Wolf grabbed her from behind. Crow: Don't worry, he does that to all the female officers. Mike: Just checking to make sure you're a real girl, that's all. Tom: And you wonder what impact Kirk had on Starfleet. >He figured that with >his muscle and body weight compared to the little girl's, he would be >able to >take her picnic basket with ease. Tom: Yeah, that should push off starvation for a whole ten minutes. >He was wrong, for she was putting up one >hell of a struggle. Crow: Usually the commander gets a little more liquor into them first. Tom: I'm so glad I'm just reading this and not having to actually watch it. >"Let me go! I know the arts of Teras Kasi!" She warned the bold and >gruff >officer. However, he did nothing except continued to hold her. Mike: Starfleet command, ladies and gentlemen. Brave enough to push around little girls. Crow: Like the Romulans. >Therefore, she >slammed her foot on top of his. Then she swirled around guiding her >hand to >bring a lightning chop onto the man's neck. Then to finish the >technique, she >grabbed Wolf by the arm, sprung him around then released him twenty >feet in the air. Tom: Red's been working out at the YWCA. >When the Commander fell on the floor, Odo looked at him and said, "Is >this how the story went?" Mike: No, this is the special edition. >***** >Meanwhile, onboard the ISD Chimera, Grand Admiral Thrawn sat in his >personal >cabin surrounded by numerous works of art. Tom: Thrawn loves fingerpainting. >In his left blue hand was a >datapad that his glowing red eyes beamed down upon when door chime >interrupted him. This annoyed the Chiss commander for he rarely likes >to be disturbed, Mike: Who does? >but he knew this might be important. >"Come." Crow: And Paramount sues Thrawn for copyright infingement. >The door opened, and Captain Pellaeon stepped in the Admiral's view. >"Admiral." He reported, "There is a one-way message transmission being >sent >to you." Mike: Apparently, you may already be a winner sir. >"Excellent. It must be our agent." He smiled. >"Agent?" The captain raised his brow. Tom: Oh, Picard and Spock. That's it, Paramount is calling in the lawyers. >"Yes. I've finally thought it was time to take care of Starfleet's >research outpost on that forest moon." >"You mean the one where they were developing their Zeta- phaser array." >Pellaeon asked, it certainly was good news. The Zeta- phasers as been a >secret >experimental weapon developed by Starfleet that can use the phaser's >NDF >principal to increase effectiveness against shields and hulls by >hundred >folds, a weapon that'll surely win the war for the Federation. Crow: So I guess a base delta zero was long overdue. >"But..." he >paused, "I wasn't aware of any stormtrooper team that was dispatched, >in fact >all the ground forces have been polishing their weapons all week." Tom: They must be pretty shiny by now then. Crow: What do you suppose stormtrooper discipline is like? Mike: Soldier, have you shaved! Tom: Yes sir. Mike: Well, I guess I'll have to take your word for it. >"That's because I haven't sent any teams, just one agent." Thrawn explained. >"But... but... you've studied their defense." He stuttered. Mike: They have Johnny Cochrane! >"Yes, even X1-Viper droids would have trouble. We needed a more subtle >approach." The Admiral handed Pellaeon his datapad, "This will >explain." >"What..." The captain looked at the pad, and is quite confused, Tom: Sir, I believe this falls under our "Don't ask, don't tell" protocol. >"This is just a bed time story about some girl and a wolf." >"Yes, one that originated from the Federation homeworld." Thrawn told >him, >"This story is the most interesting when I studied the wolves >motivation for stalking the child." Crow: Um, food? >Pellaeon looked at the datapad to find that part, "Ah!", he read, "to >eat what's in the picnic basket?" >"Or the little girl, depending on the version. Mike: It's highly debated which is the more canon of the two. >But, that's not important. >What is the key is, number one, Crow: Going to the bathroom? >the wolf much like humans, get desperate when >they are hungry. And, number two, Tom: Never stand behind a horse. >this story is Earth art, and a weakness to exploit." >"How can we exploit this?" Mike: What do I look like, a genius? >"A question best answered when you see this message." The Chiss smiled >and >punched a keyboard on the visual screen. Crow: "Ex-lax can solve all your problems, Admiral." Tom: Oops, I mean this one. >Pellaeon gapped with puzzlement when >he saw the same red hooded little girl described in the story, smiling >fiendishly and holding a light repeating blaster which was still >smoking from >the barrel. Mike: Next on Fox, when fairy tale girls go postal. >In the background, there were dead starfleet officers, hardly >recognizable with the heavy plasma burns, and there was burned gel of >in the >corner. Crow: He died as he lived - icky. >He could only wonder what went on. Mike: Deductive skills like that, no wonder he's not an admiral yet. >"Grand Admiral Thrawn." The girl saluted, "This is Agent Hood, I >completely >my mission objective, obtained the data from this outpost and destroyed >the >installation. Returning to the Chimera even as the message plays." Tom: "Can't wait to gloat to that spineless weenie, Pellaeon." >Thrawn turned to Pellaeon, "By re-writing these stories, we can exploit >the >Federation's weaknesses." Tom: Which one would that be? Mike: Take your pick. >The End.... *...2....3...4...5...6...door Crow: You know, one thing I'm not quite sure I get is Thrawn's ability to turn art into tactics. Like today's experiment, sending down a secret agent dressed as little red riding hood? What kind of tactic is that?! Mike: Well just remember this is a fanfic version, but it does make you wonder what exactly he does? Tom: Exactly. I mean I can see gleaning some insight into the workings of man contemplating the classics like Rembrandt, Dali, Raphael, and so on, but what would you learn by, say, reading a copy of Little Jack Horner. Or even looking through the Reader's Digest? Mike: Um.......why are you looking at me? Crow: Well don't you know Mike? Mike: Know what? Tom: (sigh) The secrets of learning about man through art? Mike: Well, ....no. Crow: Oh, what a loser! Tom: Total loser. Mike: Wait a minute. If you don't know, then why am I the loser? Tom: Because, Mike, you're the human. You're suppose to explain how your fleshy kind work. Crow: Complete and absolute...loser. (light flashes) (Deep 13) Frank: What's wrong Dr. F? Dr. Forrester: The group didn't like my trolling. They've done some kind of TGOD thing to me. Frank: (looking) Wow, I didn't think that was anatomically possible. Dr. Forrester: Yes, this Lt. Hit-man is the worst. Frank: Well, you know Steve, he's just expressing his evilness in his own way. That's something you can appreciate. Dr. Forrester: Yes Frank, I suppose you're right. (Silence) Frank: Should I send him the retro-virus? Dr. Forrester: Immediately. And push the button. (POOOF) All Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount. All Star Wars characters are the property of Lucasfilm. Little Red Riding Hood created by Major Tierce. All items related to Mystery Science Theater 3000 are property of Best Brains, Inc. MiSTing performed by Chuck Sonnenburg. All rights reserved. (Stinger)By now Odo was a bit into his character, as he was licking himself * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet's Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet - Free!