Well, after reading this post, I just had to start this up again. Enjoy :) Imperial Science Theatre 3000 The second season. [Fade in...] [The Heroes of the Imperial Forces: Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader, Grand Admiral Thrawn, Mara Jade, Admiral Daala, Ysanne Isard, Grand Moff Tarkin, Captain Pellaeon, Captain Needa, General Veers, and IMP-22 are all back and gathered onboard a Federation Satellite, watching their triumphant return.) Thrawn: Great! We're all back here again... Palpatine: Yes, from the ashes of our slumber we rise like an Imperial Phoenix. Mara Jade: Good pun, my Emperor. Tarkin: I wouldn't be so poetic. Don't you realize what's going to happen to us? (Captain Picard appears on the screen...) Picard: That's right, my Imperial friends, we got another season all set up for you on Imperial Science Theater 3000. And it's time for your first post by Elim Garak... All: Nooooooooooooooo! Isard: Couldn't we watch Teletubbies, instead? (The screen goes blank, and the post appears) In article <3737C062.3F0B5BC6@netscape.net>, Elim Garak wrote: > MKSheppard wrote: > > > > If I had to face an ISD in the Defiant, I'd try to tilt the odds in my > > favor as much as I could. > > > > I know I can't survive in a stand-up slapfight with an ISD, so > > I must try other methods. > > > > An ambush from an asteroid field would be the the most desirable > > course of action, as all those asteroids can act as a shield > > for my ship (The Defiant is manuverable enough to actually > > survive longer than 20 seconds in an asteroid field) > > No. Your most desirable course of action is to do the same thing as it did in that parallel universe battle against that huge Klingon ship > - stay too close to the hull for its weapons to be effective. [The Imperials break out laughing.] Vader: The Defiant engaging an Imperial Warship at point blank range. Mara Jade: Two words defiantly come to mind. Vader: Really? Mara Jade: Yup. First Word: Turbolaser. Second word: Bait. Thrawn: Tell me about it. The Millenium Falcon has a better chance at surviving, and what did that annoying goldenrod, Threepio say the odds were? IMP-22: I think the odds were seven hundred and twenty million to one? (Everyone looks at IMP-22) Vader: Have we seen you seen you before. IMP-22: Not in person, allow me to introduce myself, I am IMP-22, Imperial Military Protocol Droid. I am sent by the author to assist you by providing technical data when you need to debunk some claims. Daala: Wait! I seen you before, you're that red droid from Star Wars: Rebellion. IMP-22: Correct. Daala: I now envy you. IMP-22: Why is that? Daala: You can wide your memory of these idiotic debates, we have to repress. > That way you stand a much smaller chance of being hit than this. And you get > to bring up a lot more firepower against the ISD Pellaeon: A lot more, but not enough. > - you would be blocked by the asteroids too, after all. Needa: But wouldn't the asteroids block the Stardestroyer as well? Daala: I think that was the whole point of having the Defiant ambush us there in the first place. > > Secondly, I'd lay in wait directly in front of an asteroid > > in cloaked mode, at low power to lessen the chances > > of the ISD finding me. > > Zero anyway. Pellaeon: Zero what? Veers: I think he was talking about his IQ. Palpatine: Can't be, the number is too high. > > Thirdly, I will alter the terrain by seeding cloaked self-replicating > > mines in the area surrounding the asteroid field (I will know where > > they are, but he doesn't) > > Unwise - if you want to maneuver unimpeded. Tarkin: Well, ofcourse it would maneuverability. But didn't MKSheppard say that the Defiant would know where they are, and the ISD wouldn't. Daala: That's correct. This is fine proof of a Trekkies' stupidity. Here we finally see someone who comes with a tactic where a Federation ship would stand a chance against an ISD, and Elim here decides to shoot it down to hell. Isard: Well, it's comforting to know that there is at least some Star Trek fans who are intelligent. Thrawn: Actually, MKSheppard is pro-Star Wars. Isard: Then wouldn't this be considered treason, my Emperor? Palpatine: Not exactly, more like a game of Devil Avacate(sp). Thrawn: More specifically, it's something that any normal tactician: learn to think like the enemy. Mara Jade: Then should MKSheppard start shouting idiotic claims that lasers would hurt the Enterprises navigational deflectors? Pellaeon: No human being could stoop to that low of a mind set. Not even, Joruus C'boath, and he's insane. Mara Jade: I bet General Covell has more intelligence, and he's a vegetable. Thrawn: What I meant, by thinking like the enemy is that Sheppard carefully studied the capabilities and limitations of Federation ships and came up with a reasonable strategy of attack. I must commemorate him. Mara Jade: It does make you wonder why a Federation Cultist would get upset. Vader: They're fanatics, remember. They are not satisfied until they can prove that one Runabout could destroy the Death Star II. All Imperials: *sigh* Figures! > Simpler to just mine the whole system and stay outside looking in at the fireworks. Needa: And watch as the ISD shrugs them of and come closing in. Mara Jade: How do you figure? Needa: I explain by asking this: How does a ship like the Millenium Falcon transverse, or *chuckle* a Federation ship hopes to transverse one? Mara Jade: By maneuvering inside. Needa: How do we transverse one? Pellaeon: By shooting everything in our path... but how will we take care of the mines? Needa: Well, several things. And I must note these are theories. But, if our tacyeon(sp?) sensors can't spot them, we could use heavy jamming to set them off prematurely. But if that doesn't work, we could always shrug them off. We can withstand multi-megaton blasts before. Thrawn: True, and in the event that the mine field is too much, only possible by an act of Q, then we can simply hyperjump out of the system, and them make an attack on the Starfleet vessels. > > Fourth, I will have my crews conduct simulation after simulation > > so they will become proficient at dodging asteroids and utilizing them > > as cover from an ISDs turbolasers. > > Is the whole crew going to pilot the ship or just the pilot? Pilot? Then only he needs that practice. Thrawn: Well, it would be common sense to have more than one pilot, wouldn't it? Pellaeon: It would, but since when have seen any Starfleet officer fly in asteroid through a simulator? Isard: Never, otherwise they would shit themselves everytime they see a bunch of rocks floating in space. Mara Jade: Never mind that. When have we seen Starfleet officers use common sense? > Which he should be doing in any case. Tarkin: Yeah right! You'd think that their holodeck would be ideal for these things. But, I hardly see any Starfleet officer go there and brush up on their piloting skills. Daala: Tell me about it, they rather act out a Sherlock Holmes novel. Needa: Or interact with Katie Holmes in the Holo-suite... [All of the Imperials shudder.] Daala: You're sick, you know that, Needa. Vader: Let's not be too hasty, I must thank him. It gives me a chance to do this. (Vader clenches his fist and chokes Needa with the Force. Needa gags and collapses on the floor.) Vader: Apology accepted, Captain Needa. Thrawn: That was a bit harsh. I must say, I kinda like her. (Everyone now gives a sideways glance at Thrawn.) Vader: You watch "Dawson's Creek"? Thrawn: The only other thing on the Holonet at the same time is Star Trek: Voyager. So, figure it out. Vader: Ahh, I must apologize. Thrawn: Apology accepted, Lord Vader. (Thrawn then smiles.) Veers: I question, when Needa make that holosuite, what if the Starfleet officer was a female? Vader: I doubt it would matter. Have you seen some of the episodes on Deep Space Nine? Thrawn: Moreover, look at where their Military Academy is located. Tarkin: I tell you, sometimes Starfleet is so incestful. It's not the fact their sexual preference so much, but where they do it. Thrawn: They defiantly take the concept of free love a bit too far. Typical hippie behavior, I expected no less. Mara Jade: Can we just get on with this post, now. > > Fifth, I will instruct my crews in the lost art of "jinking and > > evasive manuvers" > > Same as above. Isard: Above what? (Everyone looks up.) Veers: What are we looking for. Vader: The logic that above Elim's thinking. Mara Jade: Then shouldn't we be looking down? > > Sixth, I will remove ALL EPS lines from the bridge. Regular > > superconducting lines with surge supressors will be installed > > in their place to power the bridge systems. (no more exploding > > panels) > > In that case you make one of the most important parts of the ship vulnerable to ion canons. Not a smart move. Daala: That is a good point! Wow, Elim actually made a good. Hey '22, what are the odds of that? IMP-22: Calculating. (IMP-22's heads spins at accelerated speeds right before he explodes and the head flies off.) Mara Jade: Damn! You broke him, Daala. > > Lastly, I will get several other ships, preferably Defiant-class, > > to be my wingmen, and I will have them do what I do, and > > instruct them in the art of coordinated attacks from > > multiple directions. > > Safety in numbers. Standard procedure even for animals for the past several hundred million years. Thrawn: Yes, but it would be smarter to attack an ISD from many angles, rather than attack from one point where we can broadside your entire fleet. Vader: It really doesn't matter, an ISD can take on ship concentrated in one place or from many angles. Thrawn: True > > (If we all came in firing on the same vector, the ISD would > > swat us out of the sky in one broadside. By coming in on > > multiple vectors, the ISDs gunners are forced to split > > their fire, increasing our chances of surviving.) > > > > Using such tactics, we might be able to get an ISDs > > shields down to about 75% before we're killed. > > You mean using milti-megaton torpedoes, when its shields can be taken down by less than 1 megaton? Aha, that makes sense, of course. Vader: Okay, where did he get that infomation that our shields are taken out by less than one megaton? Tarkin: Certainly not from the films, novels, or every calculation of SW firepower. > > Repeated waves of ships utilizing the same tactics would > > eventually be able to wear down the ISDs shields and > > destroy it. > > By repeated waves read 1. In fact, one runabout should be plenty, since it can carry up to 4 standard size photon or quantum torpedoes. If > it isn't blown up before it fires. Mara Jade: Runabouts use standard photon and quantum torpedoes. Tarkin: Ofcourse not, I never seen anything resembling a quantum torpedoes fired from a runabout. Moreover, they use miniature torpedoes, a standard torpedo is far too big. > > [Note: I'm just trying to give a logical and rational argument about > > how ST could kill an ISD without relying on the old > > 'The modified Deflector Dish puts out 23,000,000 megatons a second!' > > argument.] > > Could I see that argument? Which thread was it in? Thrawn: I've seen it in almost every idiotic claim. Isard: Explain. Thrawn: You know how LaForge tried to modify the Deflector Dish against the Borg in "Best of Both Worlds"? (Isard nods) Thrawn: Well, Federation Cultist claim that the dish could pump out 23,000,000 megatons a second based on some Voyager episode where Kim said that the plasma conduits has billions of terrawatts of power. > > However, such *advanced* tactics of which I speak, are far > > beyond Starfleet's capabilities (or at least what we've seen > > on the Episodes and the movies.) > > Then you haven't really seen any episodes or the movies. Vader: We have... Tarkin: "Tears of the Prophets" Mara Jade: "Star Trek: First Contact" Daala: "Siege at AR-28" or something... Thrawn: "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier" Veers: "Way of the Warrior" Pellaeon: "Star Trek: Voyager" Isard: "Insurrection" Palpatine: okay, we named enough. > > [NOTE: Anyone detect the sarcasm in my voice when I said > > *advanced*? This is the kind of stuff that's taught in first > > year classes at Military academies; i.e. Preparing the field > > of battle, and pincer attacks.] > > > > If your Captain was Edward Jellico, then you'd be able to do this > > stuff. If he ain't Captain, you're vapor. :) > > I wonder if the fact that his name reminds people of jelly had an impact on his upbringing and what he has become? Veers: Yeah that makes sense. (Everyone starts laughing...) Mara Jade: Yeah, like somebody's name who has a weird name naturally become a great tactician. Isard: Well, it explains Thrawn. (Thrawn raises a brow) It's true, aren't your people known as the Chiss? That's a weird name, and isn't your full name is Mitth'raw'nuruodo? All: Mitth'raw'nuruodo! Isard: See, if you were name was Jeeves, you would be a butler. Thrawn: That's nonsense, Star Trek have names like Nelix, Tuvok, Quark, Nog, Ezri, and so forth, and none of these people have any tactical skills. Moreover, your first name is Ysanne, right? And let's face it, you're not nearly as bright as I am. Isard: Sure, rub it in. Thrawn: And look at Daala and Tarkin. Daala: Hey! I wouldn't start; your bodyguard isn't here to save you. Palpatine: I think what Thrawn meant is that a name does not determine your upbringing. To quote the poet and writer from Earth, Shakespeare, "A rose by any other name is still a rose." Vader: Two things, I don't think you said it right. And, second I don't think Elim's argument should be dignified by quoting Shakespeare. Palpatine: True, how would you put, my servant. Vader: Well... Mara Jade: What really remind people in Starfleet of jelly would their tactics. Vader: Good one... (Picard reappears on the screen...) Picard: Well, what do you think? Thrawn: We survived. Picard: A pity, then I guess we'll have to send more then... But don't Starfleet is collecting them even as I speak. To be continued... -- -Major Tierce Buffy: "Your logic does *not* resemble our Earth logic." Xander: "Mine is much more advanced." --== Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ ==-- ---Share what you know. Learn what you don't.---