From: cglasgow@hotmail.com [IST3K] Re: ST vs SW? Thats a pretty fair fight actually... --------------------------------------------------------------- On board the Federation prison satellite Redshirt Two, the Imperials' latest escape plan is feverishly in motion. Mara Jade, having been "persuaded" by Guri and Lord Vader to sacrifice herself for the cause, has just been infected with Borg nanoprobes collected from Seven of Nine's blood by Anakin Solo. The plan is for Mara to use Seven's abilities to override Starfleet security codes to escape from Redshirt Two. Vader -- Progress report, Admiral Daala. Daala -- Assimilation at 45%. We're already getting distinct indications of silicone augmentation, a total loss of acting ability, and a definite overall cheapening of the feminine gender as perceived in science fiction. Pellaeon -- Mmmm hmmm. That's Seven of Nine all right. Jade (whimpering) -- Please, don't do this to me... just kill me instead! Have mercy! Palpatine (sneering) -- But you would be such a *useless* corpse, my "loyal" Hand. Jade -- All I did was take a couple guest spots on RST3K! (crying) Why? Why anyone? Anakin -- "Why?" Is she turning into Seven of Nine or Nancy Kerrigan? Daala -- If she is, at least she got the quote right. Most people misattribute it as "Why me?" Piett -- RST3K? (laughing) Oh, you mean that alleged "family values" show over on the New Republic holonet? Tarkin -- You mean the one where the children were busy swapping naked holograms of the, ahem, "Sailor Scouts" with their father? Daala -- The one where their Uncle Luke has been sleeping around with everything in a skirt? (Jade winces again) Piett -- Let's not forget their father's Corellian whiskey habit. Or their mother's child abandonment during her political career. Or that brawl they almost engaged in this morning. Palpatine -- Are you getting all of this down, Lord Vader? It will come in very useful at the custody hearing. Unfit parents, beyond a doubt. Vader -- Indeed, my master. Pellaeon -- You know, there's something funny about that. If they're supposed to be the good guys and we're supposed to be the bad guys, then howcum their show is the one with adultery, multiple incest jokes among the twins, Sailor Moon pornography, booze, crude humor, and more on-cast brawling than Jerry Springer... where we've got the happily monogamous couple, we won't even let the kid *hear* cursing, there hasn't been a shot glass or a dirty picture in sight, and the only fight we've had was between two loyal officers and a Rebel sympathizer? Needa -- Oh, and I noticed you didn't mention your committing cold-blooded murder EVERY SINGLE EPISODE! Vader -- You are the comedy relief, Needa. Needa (screeching) -- Is that all I'm supposed to be? A cheap gag? Is this the total worth of my life? Do I not have feelings? If you cut me, do I not bleed? If you starve me, do I not hunger? If you choke me, do I not die... uh- oh... Vader -- As you wish. (Needa flinches... and after a few moments, straightens up) Needa (patting his neck) -- I'm still alive? I'm alive! I'm ALIVE! Woo-hoo! (Needa starts dancing with joy) Vader -- Of course you are. It's funnier this way. (Needa suddenly collapses and dies) (chorus) -- APOLOGY ACCEPTED, CAPTAIN NEEDA! Thrawn -- He actually thought you were going to change your mind and let him live. (chuckling) Vader (also chuckling) -- A mere matter of comic timing. Daala -- Back on-topic... why does RST3K call us the bad guys while they've got the significantly lower-class humor? Because they're just a bunch of moral hypocrites, Pelly! What are you fussing with over there, Grand Admiral? Thrawn (putting down his copy of "Mole Miners For Dummies") -- Lando's little present. I've been debating what to give as a return gift. "Diplomacy For Dummies" or "Sabacc Made Simple?" Tarkin -- Which one has the funnier chapter? Thrawn -- Well, "Diplomacy For Dummies" does have a section on "How not to be cheated out of your cloud city by somehow *completely* failing to notice that an entire battalion of stormtroopers and an _Executor_-class Imperial Star Destroyer parked on your face makes for a very poor bargaining position..." Vader -- "I am altering the bargain. Pray I don't alter it any further. It would be unfortunate if I had to leave a garrison here." Tarkin -- (sighs) Those were the good old days... Thrawn -- On the other hand, "Sabacc Made Simple" has this lovely notation on "How not to be cheated out of your most prized starship... especially with your own deck of cards." Which one do you think I should send? Pellaeon -- "Sabacc Made Simple", Grand Admiral. Lando was far more sentimental about that silly freighter than he was about his cloud city. Thrawn -- Done. Incidentally, how's the "Mara of Nine" project coming along? Daala -- We've just hit a snag. The Borg nanoprobes keep registering "Unclassified organ detected. Assimilate/Retry/Fail?" Piett -- Unknown organ? That would probably be her brain. Not surprising that Borg technology doesn't know what to do with one of those... Pellaeon -- Of course not. Since when have the Borg ever encountered anyone with an actual working brain? Certainly not in Starfleet! Definitely not among themselves! Daala (sigh) -- Well, I guess we'll just have to wait until those silly things figure it out. I've pushed the reaction as far as I dare already. (Suddenly, the viewscreen chimes) Palpatine -- Get her out of sight, quickly! (they scramble to hide the evidence) (The viewscreen snaps on, revealing... Captain James T. Kirk!) Kirk -- This is Captain J... (dramatic pause) James Tiberius Kirk... Anakin -- Oh, COME ON! We know it's you! Those silly pauses are a dead giveaway! ("Kirk" flinches) Guri -- Playing with the video synthesizer again, Frenchy? You're worse than Barclay let loose in a holodeck, you old fantasy freak. ("Kirk" winces and turns off the 'Max Headroom' video synthesizer. Captain Jean-Luc Picard stands there looking verrrrry embarassed). Palpatine -- I feel a great disturbance in the Force. It was if an impostor Frenchman had cried out and was suddenly silenced. I feel that something terribly silly has happened. Vader -- What does Paul have for us this time? Picard (mumbling weakly in his embarassment) -- Not Paul. Elim. Anakin -- Wow, that was fast! I only suggested it this morning! Palpatine -- Strange that I have not foreseen this. Vader -- To quote a certain green little swamp-dwelling bastard with a penchant for sarcastic asides, "Always in motion is the future." Anakin -- Wow, Grandpa Vader. You almost sounded like Cronan Thompson when you said that! Vader -- The highest of praise, Anakin. Thank you. In article <369EB02C.B6593A3B@usa.net>, Elim Garak wrote: > Aaron Parsons wrote: > > > > > > Incorrect. If you look at the figures we have, you'll see that a > > > > Sovereign-class ship would have its hands full with a VSD from SW. SW > > > > weaponry is an order of magnitude stronger than ST weaponry. > > > > > > Which is completely invisible from the movies. > > > > Cite proof? > > It is invisible that SW weapons are more powerful than ST weapons. And don't > mention that asteroid example Tarkin -- Why shouldn't we? We're very proud of it. >- ST did much more in another separate case. Pellaeon (snuggling on the couch with Daala) -- The "Pegasus" incident was with a hollow asteroid, took enormously longer, and consumed the entire photon torpedo load of a starship. Daala -- The rock tunnelling examples are all due to the phaser NDF effect, which does not apply with phasers vs. ship armor. Thrawn -- "The Die Is Cast" was a combination of disruptors and torpedoes, the time factor is still unknown, and the sensor data is highly suspect anyway! > Nobody also proved to my satisfaction that it was a stony iron asteroid. Vader -- And if it had been a carbonaceous asteroid? Thrawn -- Allow me to quote from the FAQ: ===== NOTE:Using iron as the composition of the asteroids is conservative, because although iron has a higher density, stone has a much higher heat capacity and melting point. Per unit of volume, it is actually harder to vaporize stone then iron. ===== Thrawn (sneering) -- Perhaps we ought to redo the calculations with the assumption that the asteroid was carbonaceous rather than composed of iron. The numbers would be even more in our favor. > > > > No, they can't. They can't adapt to raw power, and they can't adapt to > > > > kinetic energy - as evidenced in "Scorpion" and First Contact. > > > > > > If the Borg in "Scorpion" can't adapt to raw power, then apparently > > > Voyager's hull can take 1/9th of the DS beam. And if the Borg couldn't > > > adapt to KE weapons, then they would have been dead centuries ago. > > > > Whoa, wait a second. Maybe I'm not seeing the logic correctly here. If > > the Borg in Scorpion can't take raw power, then we make some kind of > > conclusion about Voyager's hull? WTF is this? > > Voyager's hull was hit dead on with a blast from an 8472 ship. If the Borg > were destroyed by raw power, then Voyager should have been able > to blow up 10 cubes - because only its hull alone took that much energy as > was used to destroy a Borg cube. Anakin -- Is this a YATI? Palpatine -- 8472 was presumably firing at "low yield". After all, firing weapons at "low yield" is a common tactic in the ST universe -- at least according to the ST fanatics *themselves*... Vader -- ... when they are attempting to defend the pitifully weak effects of the photon torpedo as seen on-screen. > > BTW, prove that they would have been dead centuries ago. > > Other species would have noticed that the Borg are vulnerable to KE attacks > and used KE weapons. > > > BTW again, why are the Borg always susceptible to hand to hand combat, if > > they could adapt to KE? > > Because they don't care about individual drones. Thrawn -- A dead army is merely a large number of dead individuals. Tarkin -- A callous disregard for individual losses would be forgivable if accompanied by success. When accompanied by continual failure, it is only laughable. Anakin -- Isn't that like the story you told me once about the fox and the sour grapes, Grandpa Vader? Vader -- Indeed. These ludicrous claims that the Borg lose only because they are not seriously interested in winning are precisely that... ludicrous. > > > > The Borg are > > > > also incredibly stupid - they don't employ tactics that have been used > > > > by *primates*. > > > > > > Yes, they employ tactics that work (most of the time). > > > > They do? Most of the time we see the Borg, they're utterly defeated by the > > end of the episode/movie. This is working? > > Most of the time the Borg simply assimilate races with minimal resistance. > Federation won each time by a hair. Thrawn -- Allow me to temporarily adopt Elim-logic. According to Elim-logic, tou can still be considered a great tactician even if you are narrowly defeated on several occasions. Vader -- In that case, he has just said that we are master tacticians. Thrawn -- He's even more pathetic than Paul. In attempting to fight us, he has instead merely complimented us. > > > > A troupe of chimps know more about tactics and localised > > > > defence than the Borg do. > > > > > > A troupe of chimps don't have adapting personal force fields. Daala -- Neither do the Borg... at least not one that can adapt to knives. Or hands. Or rocks. Anakin -- Or machine guns! baddabaddabaddabadda! (pantomimes shooting a tommy gun) Guri -- Don't get yourself overexcited, Anakin. > > That still doesn't change the fact. > > It is not a fact. From your point of view their tactics is illogical. Try > looking at it from theirs. Thrawn -- I'm sorry, I have certain limitations that keep me from thinking like a Borg. Such as functioning neural synapses. Anakin -- Maybe we can ask Mara about the Borg point of view when she wakes up! Daala -- Who was keeping an eye on her, anyway? Pelly? PELLY? (Everyone turns to see Pellaeon being held hostage in the corner by the lurking figure of Mara of Nine) Mara of Nine -- You will release me at once or I will terminate this man's vital signs. Daala -- Pelly! No! Thrawn -- Restrain yourself, Admiral! What do you want, creature? Mara of Nine -- An immediate exit from this facility. Anakin (whispering) -- Isn't that what WE want, too? Tarkin (whispering) -- Yes. Vader (using the Jedi mind trick) -- You will release Captain Pellaeon at once. Mara of Nine -- That will not succeed. I am not weak-minded. Daala -- You mean you *weren't*. You're a Borg drone now. That means you can get outsmarted by a baboon! Mara of Nine -- Incorrect. The Borg are the supreme intellects of all space! (Anakin immediately reprograms the nearest holodeck to create a baboon... which proceeds to soundly thrash Mara of Nine at a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors. It then hands her a copy of "Tactics For Dummies" and departs.) Mara of Nine -- This occurrence is impossible! Thrawn (sighing) -- Life-and-death situations resolved with a game of Rock- Paper-Scissors. This is almost as bad as playing live-action Vampire. Tarkin -- "Live-action Vampire"? From White Wolf? How could you... I know, I know... Thrawn (finishing his statement) -- ... it's art. And no, I have never played that silly game, I merely bought some of the sourcebooks. You should see the drawings in them. Mara of Nine -- I... I... my every argument has been defeated. The pathetic weakness of my current mind is obvious to anyone with a functioning intellect. Palpatine -- So you surrender? Mara of Nine -- NO! I will completely deny reality and stubbornly cling to my foolish notions regardless of their manifest stupidity! Anakin -- You will? I guess it's true then... Elim IS really a member of the Borg collective! You've assimilated his behavior perfectly! Mara of Nine -- Now release me or I will kill this man! Pellaeon -- (muttering to himself) Darn, sci-fi's really gotten progressive... it used to be the *female* partner who's the helpless hostage... Guri -- Let me at her! I took her once and I can do it again! Daala -- Not with him in the way you won't! Palpatine (Force lightning crackling from his fingertips) -- I grow tired of this foolishness! Vader -- Is this the time to designate Captain Pellaeon as "acceptable losses"? Thrawn -- And lose our romance subplot? Hardly! How will we keep up in the ratings? Pellaeon -- Could we please hurry this up? I'm dying of silicone poisoning over here! Palpatine (lowering his hands) -- Curses, you are correct. Anakin -- What are we gonna do, Uncle? Thrawn -- The ideal tactic for this situation would be to... end on a cliffhanger. (Will Pelly... oops, er Captain Pellaeon be rescued alive? Will the renegade Mara of Nine be recaptured? Will our doughty crew of Imperials ever escape Redshirt Two with their sanity intact? Tune in next episode for the gripping epic of IST3K!)