From: cglasgow@hotmail.com [IST3K] Re: Micheal Wong is digging his grave ------------------------------------------------- On board the Federation prison satellite Redshirt Two, our cast is still trapped... Daala -- Would somebody please pass me that hydrospanner? Pellaeon -- I don't think trying to rewire the food replicator to manufacture organic chemical explosives is going to work, dear. Daala -- Our last attempt almost succeeded! Tarkin -- Your plan *did* succeed... in almost killing us all and wrecking the original prison satellite! That's why they moved us here to Redshirt *Two*. Daala -- Blast it, they welded the access panels shut. Somebody go get Anakin, that kid can get into *anything*. (Over in the corner...) Palpatine -- ... so when the hero arrives and challenges me to battle, that's when you look at him with tears in your eyes and go "Why are you gonna kill my uncle, Mr. Jedi Knight?" (sniff sniff) Anakin -- Do you really think that will work, Uncle Palpatine? Vader -- Of course it will, my grandson. Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard. Anakin -- And that's when the hero will start trying to explain to me why he feels compelled to lightsaber my great-uncle to pieces right in front of my little-kid eyes? Palpatine -- Almost certainly. Heroes have this annoying compulsion to lecture about comparative "morality" (spits) and other such prattle at the slightest excuse. Anakin -- So after all of his attention is busy on making his silly hero-speech to the little kid, THAT's when I push the button that drops him into the pit? Vader -- Yes! Anakin -- Woohoo! I can't wait! Vader -- Indeed, we have taught you well... what do you want? Pellaeon -- We need your grandson to help get one of the access panels open. It's part of the latest escape plan. Vader --(sigh) Did either of you think of simply trying *this*? (Snaps on his lightsaber) Pelleaon and Daala -- DOH! (Daala smacks her head with her palm) (Vader stalks purposefully towards the circuit access panel for the replicators, only to be interrupted by the viewscreen snapping on. Picard and Q are standing there.) Piett -- Oh no, not another one of Paul's posts! It's only been a couple days since the last one! Picard -- This is (dramatic pause) Jean-Luc... Chorus -- WE KNOW, WE KNOW! Sheesh! Thrawn -- Who does he think he's impressing with that silly name delivery? Picard -- ... Picard. (dramatic pause) Guri -- I'm going to die of old age before this balding cretin finishes. You could fly a _Sovereign_ class-ISD through his dramatic pauses, they're so huge. Daala -- Guri, you're an android, how can you die of old age? BTW, how'd you get here? Guri -- Listening to these cretins talk would make a ROCK feel old before its time. Tarkin -- Excellent point. Guri -- And I'm on this week's episode because Jade is sulking about her contract again. She wants more script approval. Pellaeon -- (snort) The *Grand Admiral* was lucky to get even partial script approval, what chance does she think she has? Somebody's *definitely* let success get to her head. Picard -- It is time for you to have to view another one of Paul's posts... Palpatine -- (sarcastically) SUCH a surprise. Tarkin -- (even more sarcastically) Never would have expected *that*. Thrawn -- After all, we've only been locked up in this accursed prison for the sole purpose of doing nothing *but* reading them, what possible reason would he have to expect having to endure another Paul post? Daala - Filthy sadists! Guri -- And they called my Prince a mad torturer. (snort) We are angels of mercy compared to this! Picard -- Will you stop making those sarcastic comments and listen to me? Thrawn -- Those sarcastic comments are most of we have left to live for at this present point. Q -- If you'd only be more cooperative, we could see our way clear to perhaps extending you a bit more freedom. Palpatine -- Why you miserable condescending... (With lightning-quick computerized reflexes, Guri claps her hands over Anakin's ears) Vader -- Take your hands off him at once! How can he learn to be properly Evil if he does not even know how to swear? Tarkin -- Because the more stylish villains use only the most erudite of language. We do want the lad to grow up to be a *legendary* champion of the Dark Side, do we not? The rebuilder of an immortal legacy of conquest and domination that will last at least 25,000 more years? Anakin -- Yeah, right! And Mom and Dad think I'm gonna testify for *their* side of the custody fight... not! You guys are way cooler to grow up with! Picard and Q -- STOP THAT SARCASTIC COMMENTARY AND IRRELEVANT SUB-PLOTTING! YOU ARE DRIVING US MAD! Thrawn (sneeringly) -- Oh dear, we wouldn't want to do *that*, now would we? Anakin -- Hit us with your best shot, you meanies, we're not afraid of you! Vader -- "Meanies"? (sigh) He definitely needs a bit more work on "Epic Villain Spitting Defiance At The Enemy". Palpatine -- He is still young, he will learn better line delivery as time passes. Picard and Q -- SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!!! Or we will unleash the Ultimate Horror upon you! Piett -- I thought he said that he was already going to make us read a Paul post! Picard -- No, not that. The ULTIMATE Horror! Daala -- What could *possibly* be worse than forced exposure to Paul's rantings? Q -- Very well! You asked for it! (*flash*. Wesley Crusher appears on Redshirt Two.) Palpatine and Vader -- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH! Guri and Piett -- EEEEEEEEEEEKKKK! Pellaeon and Daala (simultaneously) -- Before I die... I just wanted you to know that I've... I've always loved you... Thrawn -- Wesley Crusher! You *bastards*! I thought that not even YOU could stoop this low! Wesley -- Amazing! Usually, most people have killed *themselves* by now simply to avoid my annoying geekiness! I'm surprised you can still stand, Grand Admiral. I'll have to get *really* tough now... Thrawn (panting heavily) -- I am the greatest Warlord in the history of the Empire! I... I will not yield... I must hang on... Wesley -- (with a twisted smile) Say, did I ever tell you the one about the time I saved the Enterprise from being captured by Ferengi when all the main crew had been turned into kids and... (Thrawn collapses onto the floor bleeding from his nose and ears) -- ... must resist... must resist... Wesley -- And then there was the time I smuggled my science project on board that 100-year old ship in the war games and saved the day when... (Everyone's nearly comatose on the floor now, writhing in convulsions.) Wesley -- ... and then there was the time... Anakin -- Excuse me. Wesley Crusher? Wesley -- Who are you? Anakin -- I'm IST3K's resident cute kid, Anakin Solo. Why do you have to torture my uncle and my grandpa and all their friends like this? Do you do this kind of stuff for fun? Wesley -- Why? No, it's not fun... it's because... umm... because they're the enemy and... Anakin -- Who said they were the enemy? Do you really know them? I mean, as individual people? Or are you just some kind of mindless goon in a uniform who hurts comlpete strangers just because someone tells him to? Don't you have any (Anakin quickly consults his notes), uh, "moral judgement" of your own? Wesley -- Well, no... I mean yes... but... but my mom said that... Anakin -- Do you believe *everything* that your mom tells you? You really ARE a geek! *My* mom, she always told me that peace and love and family and stuff were the most important things in her life... and then she took a 24-hour job in politics and I didn't see for her months at a time. (sniff sniff). She lied to me! My dad too! (Anakin starts bawling his eyes out). I hadda run away from home and go live with my grandpa and great-uncle just to get any nurturing... (sniff sniff bawl) Wesley -- Oh, gee kid, that's too bad. Uhh... I think I've got a tissue somewhere... Anakin -- (sniff sniff) They're over on that side table there by that spot on the floor. (sniff sniff) Wesley (walking over) -- What spot on the floor? Anakin (looks up and grins evilly) -- The one covering the pit of molten copper we were playing with last episode, "Weasley"! Say hi to Bevel Lemelisk for me! (Pushes the button) Wesley -- AAAAAIIIIEEEEEEE! (Wesley Crusher falls screaming into the pit of molten copper, to be slowly and lingeringly destroyed atom by atom in an eternity of mind-destroying pain and horror and death and... [12.5 MB DELETED BY CENSOR] (Meanwhile, freed of the soul-destroying presence of Wesley Crusher, the Imperials slowly begin to recover.) Vader (gasping weakly) -- I... I feel a grave disturbance in the Force. It was if an Ultimate Cosmic Abomination had cried out... and was suddenly silenced. I feel that something wonderful has happened. Palpatine -- You... defeated the horror that we were all helpless against. You took his worst without even pausing, much less flinching. I can barely beleive such a feat of power possible! You *are* truly a worthy successor to my throne of Evil, Anakin. I salute you. (Everyone salutes Anakin in formation. Thrawn pins a medal on him. The cheers of a grateful galaxy, nay a multiverse, nay the entire Macrocosmic All rain in upon Anakin Solo's head, for having rid the continuum of the most despised figure in all creation, Wesley Crusher. The John Wiliams soundtrack from the end scene of "ANH" is playing in the background at maximum volume.) Picard (sobbing) -- Wesley... dead... no, it can't be. It can't be! Bring him back! Q, you've got to bring him back! Q -- WHATEVER THE HELL FOR? WE hated him too! Picard -- With her son dead, do you realize what the chances of my ever getting in his mother's pants are *now*? Piett (muttering) -- Like the testeroneless wonder had had any real hope *before*... Picard -- Now bring him back or I'll... I'll... I'll tell Janeway that you're a closet... Q -- (wincing) Okay, okay! I'll bring him back, I promise! Just leave me some hope for MY love life so that I'll have an incentive to leave you some hope for yours! Picard -- You'd better! Q -- But we'll have to wait a while... the instant rating #'s are pretty overwhelming today. Give it a week or two until the popular media's focused its attention somewhere else and Wesley's death is no longer hot news, then I'll sneak him back to life. Picard -- All right. I'll tell his mother that I sent him on another cadet mission again. That should cover us until the end of the month. In article , he791859@merlin.uqam.ca (PAUL JACQUES H.JR) wrote: Anakin -- Hey! Isn't this the part where we're all supposed to laugh at the silly man's post now? Thrawn -- After all the time we spent in the setup phase this episode? It would be an anticlimax. Guri -- Darn. And I barely got any lines! Daala -- No problem. You fit in here a *lot* better than that red-headed witch does. Consider yourself signed up for the next episode, and maybe the season. Guri -- BTW, did you know that you and Pelly there are well and truly out of the closet? I mean, that "Titanic" bit you two did back there during the moment of crisis was a dead giveaway... Pellaeon (blushing) -- How did you know that she calls me "Pelly" in private? Guri -- Amplified cyber-hearing. I just had it installed in my last HRD droid upgrade. Piett -- So that's it? We all get assembled to make Paul look like a moron, and then when we finaly get around to the post we just ignore it and end the broadcast? What is this? Thrawn -- Well, it's not as if Paul really *needs* our help to look like a moron, he does so splendidly all on his own. We only do this for the entertainment of others... and the death of Wesley Crusher should be gratifying enough for any universe. Piett -- All too true. But I still have this feeling that we're missing something. Needa -- Missing what? Vader -- THAT'S IT! Needa -- Oh, no... Piett -- Sorry, Kenny. It's a tradition. Needa -- But I didn't even SAY anything! Pellaeon -- You wouldn't want to break the streak, would you? Our viewers EXPECT this! Needa -- But they've already seen Wesley Crusher die! That's enough death fix for a hundred universes. You shouldn't need me! Thrawn -- It won't hurt *that* much. It never does. And you'll be back for next episode. Needa -- No! Tarkin -- This bickering is pointless! Lord Vader... crush him! Needa -- I HOPE YOU GET WESLEY CRUSHER RERUNS FOR THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS, YOU MISERABLEaaaggggghhhh!!!! (snap crackle pop thud) Vader -- Apology accepted, Captain Needa. Anakin (waving cheerily) -- G'night everybody! Thrawn -- That kid was a *find*...