From: "Chuckg" IST 3000 Rides Again (was Re: Piett plays 'Musical Idiocy!' Part 2.) --------------------------------------------------------------------- Daala -- (tapping microphone) Hello? Are we on? Thrawn -- Just one more moment, I'm reviewing the latest ratings. Pellaeon -- How are we doing? Jade -- Not so good. Rebel Science Theater 3000 really scored some viewer points with those cute kids. Even our own writer went wild over 'em. Needa -- (sneeringly) And you're soooo sad about that, Mara... NOT... given that you've signed contracts for parts on both shows! Piett -- Ummm, Needa... Needa -- Anyone who'd ever appear in both is obviously lacking in loyalty to the Empire and... Piett -- Needa, watch OUT! Needa -- ... is simply a spineless wishy-washy selfish little witch with her eye only on her own paycheckeckacccccckkkkk!!! (crackle gasp crunch thud) Vader -- Apology accepted, Captain Needa. Daala -- Darn, there he goes again. By any chance, would Needa's first name happen to be "Kenny"? Jade (grinning) -- Guess someone forgot to tell him that the ghost of Anakin Skywalker had signed up to do a guest-spot on the next episode of Rebel Science Theater 3000. Thrawn -- If we're all *quite* finished, shall we begin?. PAUL JACQUES H.JR wrote in message ... >Celes Knight (celes@deskmedia.com) wrote: >> >Evading AGAIN! The sad fact is if the Emperor had waited for >> >the completion of the DS2 and had destroyed several worlds. >> >Then, the habitants of the Galaxy would have hunted down the >> >rebels for the Emperor. Why? The Fear of being destroyed. >> Oh, there's a plan. "Citizen of the Empire! Either turn over all known and >> unknown criminals or we will randomly destroy an inhabited and highly >> productive planet." Tarkin -- Even the Tarkin Doctrine didn't go that far. We only planned to blow up planets that were being highly productive *for the wrong side*. >> If the rest of the Federation used logic like that, you really would lose. > >You need to learn how a good dictator thinks. Palpatine -- I already have. >In the Mirror universe Kira (the Intendant) augmented production by sta ting that if the >production didn't augment then she would kill at random three people. >It worked. Vader -- A tactic employed to great success by myself, in the motivation of the original Death Star's construction crews. Thrawn -- Yes, but you only killed individuals to encourage the others, not the entire worker population. Vader -- Of course. If *all* the slaves are killed, then they cannot produce. Piett -- Tell that to Paul, he seems to think that shooting the cow will make it give more milk. >> >If the Emperor had a good successor then factions would not have been >> >created. >> >> There's no evidence to beleive that. Particularialy since the Emperor did >> have a very definate successor as seen in Dark Empire and as mentioned in >> many of the books after "The Last Command" > >Yes there is! When the Emperor was alive there was no factions. When >he was dead there was. Thrawn -- Not if I'd had the chance to be in charge instead of suffering an untimely demise due to the Noghri's loyalty change due to... (looks sideways at Vader) Vader -- Please, I thought we'd settled that one out of court! Palpatine -- Is this blithering dolt unaware of "Dark Empire". I did *not* die at Endor! His entire argument is as empty as so much vacuum! (chorus) -- SO'S HIS SKULL! >> >Oh! It does. A wise tactician would have put the Ewoks on his or her >> >side. Preventing the rebels to use them against the Empire. >> >> Oh, go after a few monkey's now, eh Paul. You've gone from slightly valid >> if off-base acusations against the Empire to pure stupidity. > >That is the kind of prejudice that makes the Empire under estimate his foes. Palpatine -- A keystone of my New Order was human supremacy. Does this fool not even do the most basic research of his foes before attempting to debate them? Vader -- No master, he does not. He has an appalling ignorance of even the most basic facts from the movie trilogy, let alone the novels. Palpatine -- Then why do we waste our time even talking to him? Jade -- Amusement value, your Majesty. It's kind of like torturing kittens or drowning baby ducks. It's fun! Thrawn (muttering) -- Our being locked in here by Q also has something to do with it. Where *are* those accursed ysalimiri I mail-ordered, anyway? Pellaeon (whispering) -- A Federation animal-rights group is suing against the raising and transportation of ysalimiri for commercial purposes. It'll be tied up in litigation for months. Thrawn -- The Federation has far too much political correctness for its own good. Piett -- "It's fun?" Jade, better not let your husband hear that. Jade (evil maniacal laughter) -- Oh, that's the future incarnation of me. When I'm over here, I'm still a 100% Imperial girl. Palpatine -- Isn't she just delightful? Daala (pouting) -- Henna-haired political suck-up... Tarkin -- No catfighting again, Daala, please! I could barely convince the Emperor not to transfer you to Kessel after the last one! >What is wrong with making allies? Even though the Ewoks are primitive they >were the pivot in the war between the Empire and rebels. If the Empire >had befriend them then they would have won. > >> >Okay! fit 1000 TF. The result would be the same: NO MORE REBELS. Daala -- I don't remember inventing a phase-cloak for TIE fighters. How are we supposed to fit them all into that confined a space without collisions? Jade -- "Phase-cloak?" Has contagious Treknobabble infected even you? Daala...! Daala (frightened) -- It must have! Oh my goodness, I ran a weird-science experimental research station, remember? I must be more susceptible than you conventional types! I'm being assimilated into Trekkie-think, HELP ME! Palpatine -- Now you shall pay the price for your lack of vision! (Palpatine strikes Daala with Force lightning repeatedly) Jade -- Aw, what'd you have to stop for? It was just getting to the good part! Pellaeon -- Feel better, Daala? Daala (sighs contentedly) -- Much better. Nothing like radical electroshock therapy to help burn out that creeping mental fungus known as Treknobabble. Pellaeon (biting his lip with worry) -- Umm.... Daala, are you aware that your clothes are on fire? Daala -- Yes, and I'm going to need hours in a bacta tank to heal the nerve damage and staunch the incredible agony that I'm in. But I'm still in Paradise compared to how it feels to be a Trekkie-fanatic. You can't imagine it... the babbling insanity... the wild self-rationalizations... the mental blindness.. the wild hallucinations of reality.. the inability to coherently read or write... feeling your mind inevitably slipping deeper and deeper into an abyss of unimaginable irrationality, of concepts utterly outside the ability of humankind to bear, seeing and hearing things that will inevitably blast any human mind into screaming madness... the horror, the horror! Piett -- So having your mind nearly assimilated into the Trekkie Borg is sort of like a Lovecraftian experience from "Call of Cthulhu"? Daala -- Exactly, only without the pleasant psychic ambience. (Pellaeon comes up with a medi-kit and starts to nursemaid Daala's wounds.) Jade -- Pellaeon, I know that RST3K is out-pointing us in the ratings because they have cute kids and we don't, but that doesn't mean that you and Daala have to get together over there and start raising some! Pellaeon and Daala -- Ah, go get the hots for a Light-side Jedi and butt out! Jade (singing) -- Pellaeon and Daala, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n... (Lord Vader's lightsaber snaps on.) Jade -- Never mind. >> Paul, I don't think anyone here besides you actually even humors this as a >> possibility. You're sayin they have bad tactics simply because they don't >> have the benifit of hindsight. > >The Empire knows that the rebels will do desesperate things. >The Empire knows also that past officers now work for the rebels. >Two simple informations that is enough for a good tactician to be cautious. Palpatine -- Tarkin? You never did get around to filing an after-action report, so I might as well hear it now. Tarkin -- Your Majesty, my anti-fighter precautions *did* function satisfactorily, if not ideally. Lord Vader's squadron destroyed every Rebel fighter save two before they could even get in position to launch, and the sensor-jamming prevented the one's targeting computer from having any chance. Palpatine -- That still doesn't explain the several trillion credit catastrophic budget deficit otherwise known as "The Battle of Yavin". What about the other fighter? Vader -- My son was strong with the Force, my master. I could not stop him. Palpatine -- You had a perfectly clear shot! Vader -- My wingman collided with my craft before I could fire. The smuggler's fire had made him evade the explosion of my other wingman and collide with me. Only less than one second and amazing luck saved the Alliance from a humiliating defeat. Thrawn -- Case in point. *Three* TIE fighters could barely maneuver in the trench without suffering a mid-air collision... and *did* suffer one as soon as one tried to make any type of sharp turn. And Paul wants to fly several hundred or thousand in there? Jade -- BTW, if Solo had a clear shot and total surprise, why didn't he just shoot Lord Vader himself? Piett -- Too much Corellian booze really decays brain cells. You should have seen this Corellian navigator I once was stationed with... he could barely get his boots on the right feet. Daala (woozily) -- No wonder Solo's so happy that he married a woman smarter than he was. He needs the mental nursemaid. Pellaeon -- Daala, *any* woman is smarter than him. His own daughter even has snappier wisecracks than him and she's barely into grade school. >So putting the KINETIC shield of the DS would have been a simple precaution. >Secondly, in war when you have an advantage you use it. 7000 TF that the >Empire didn't use. If they had sent 600 TF against the rebels then >the DS would have enough time to destroy the moon. > >> Sending 1000 ties against 30 ships is like nuking Toronto simply to kill a >> bank robber. It's overkill--you lose more than you gain. >Maybe overkill but at least the rebels would be dead. Better lose >7000 TFs than lose the DS. Vader -- I feel a grave disturbance in the Force. It was as if Paul had actually approached coherent thought and was suddenly silenced. I feel that something that impossible has happened. Thrawn -- Ignore it. Paul only appears rational if you *don't* stop to think that thousands of TIE fighters plus heavy sensor jamming would have confused the scanners so much that *more* Rebel fighters could have snuck into the trench during the confusion. >> >> >A good tactician knows when to leave. >> >> >> >> Yes, true. Funny, why didn't anyone try to leave Wolf 359? >> > >> >Yes people left: Sisko and the crew of the Saratoga, with others. >> >> Oh after the battle's over, eh. You knew exactly what he meant. > >Watch again the first episode of DS9 the battle wasn't over. Secondly, >Sisko an co. are alive. Not Tarkin and the Emperor. Pellaeon -- Praying for luck is tactics? Palpatine -- A total reliance on luck is for weakling fools and suckling babies. Jade -- And Federation ship captains. Piett -- There's a difference? Daala -- Well, there was that Captain Kirk. And Jellicoe... Pellaeon -- I suppose that even the stupidest mob has its bright shining exceptions. I wish they were with us. Thrawn -- However, the ability to get your ship destroyed in one of the worst-fought battles of Federation history and then escape while your crew has mostly died is not something I would be proud of. Indeed, I would consider it a mark of shame. Vader -- You are not Captain Sisko. Thrawn -- Obviously not. I *win* wars. >> >39 ships out of 3000 ships. That is 1.3% lost. That is very good. Thrawn -- Pellaeon, give the lecture again. Pellaeon -- A battle's casualty rate is not determined via a ratio of forces lost at the battle to total # of forces existing in the universe. It is determined by a ratio of forces lost at the battle to forces present at the battle. Therefore, the Federation casualty rate at Wolf 359 was not 1.3%, it was 39 out of 40. That is 97.5%. Jade -- Good thing you didn't point out that by Paul-logic, the Empire's casualty rate at Endor... (stops and looks quickly at Vader) Palpatine -- Go on. *I* wish to hear this. Vader -- (pout) Jade -- ... as I was saying going by Paul-logic our casualty rate at Endor was less than .0002% >> 41 ships out of the 42 that fought the Borg in BoBW(counting those 2 that >> attacked it and were destroyed near Mars) were destroyed. You can't change >> that. Those other 3000 ships were off picking their nose and couldn't come >> to the battle. > >The fact is the 3000 ships do exist. Palpatine -- Grand Admiral, if I gave you three week's notice to assemble a fleet to defend Coruscant from the Borg, how great a percentage of *our* ships could you assemble from all the four corners of the galaxy? Thrawn -- Substantially more than 40 out of 3000, or the 1.3% that Starfleet apparently considers a "full" strategic mobilization. Pellaeon -- Less than TWO PERCENT? Laughable! Daala -- It's those silly slow warp drives of theirs. What kind of strategic mobility do you get with a measly 2000c? Thrawn -- None whatsoever, which is the entire point. Given three week's notice, I could assemble all 25,000 of our ISDs to any one point in the galaxy and have a week and a half left over. The Federation has all the strategic mobility of horse cavalry. *Crippled* horses. Piett -- Then why was I given only eighty ships for the Battle of, uh, you-know-where? Thrawn -- One, since the Rebels had less than twenty capital ships eighty of them should have been sufficient. Two, imagine how crowded it would have been. And three, why give the rest of the galaxy a week off from being oppressed? Palpatine -- This dwelling on past defeats is pointless. Lucas has scripted movies where we get to win for a change. Vader --Yes, my master, but after those movies the timeline will carry us inevitably to defeat. Jade -- Sure sucks to be the villains, don't it guys? Pellaeon and Daala (sneering) -- Says Little Miss "I've Got A Guaranteed Script Ticket To Change Sides And Marry The Good Guy"... Palpatine -- Perhaps you could embark on your post-Imperial career starting *immediately*, my (ahem) "loyal" Hand... Jade -- Umm.... I just remembered I left something in the oven! Gotta rush! (Jade runs out of the room quickly) Daala -- "Something in the oven"? You don't think she forgot to use... Pellaeon -- That depends. Are Light-side Jedi 'earthy' enough to even *have* sexual desires? Daala -- Yeah, but only for their closest relatives! (everyone laughs wildly) Thrawn -- Well, I see that this episode has tried to counter the cute kids factor of RST3000 with a budding romantic subplot of our own... Pellaeon -- Complete with catfights and crude innuendos. We're practically going sitcom. (sigh) The things you'll stoop to doing for a lousy couple of Nielsien points... Piett -- Good night, everyone. This has been another production of Imperial Science Theater 3000. -- Chuckg