Zaia's Babysitting Adventure by Kuja PART 1: Mixed Marriages Lead To. *OPEN UP on ZAIA'S house, early afternoon. The sun is shining. Birds chirp. It's a typical nice day. CUT TO inside the house, where ZAIA is in the living room, lounging on a sofa, reading a book and humming to herself. The phone rings and she reaches for it* ZAIA: Hello? Oh, hi! What? Um...oh, sorry but I can't. Yeah, I'm busy tonight. Sorry hon, maybe next time. Bye! *she hangs up and goes back to reading. A moment later, the doorbell rings. She frowns and looks at her watch* ZAIA: Wow, they're early. Hope nothing's wrong. *she stands, goes to the door and opens it to reveal KUJA, who is currently cradling what appears to be a large CATERPILLAR* KUJA: Hey. ZAIA: Uh, what are you doing here? *a pause* And what's with the big plushie? CATERPILLAR: Chi! *ZAIA leaps back about five feet* ZAIA: YAAAH! IT'S ALIVE! *CATERPILLAR begins making crying sounds and squirming* ZAIA: GET IT OUT! KILL IT! KUJA: Hey now- *ZAIA grabs a nearby lamp and begins brandishing it. KUJA begins panicking* KUJA: STOP IT! CALM DOWN! ZAIA: GET THAT BIG UGLY BUG OUT OF HERE! KUJA: *furious* MY DAUGHTER IS NOT AN UGLY BUG! *utter fucking silence* ZAIA: ............what. *KUJA spends a moment calming the CATERPILLAR, clearly just restraining anger* KUJA: Sh, honey, the lady isn't going to scream at you anymore, your daddy'll take care of everything, now be a good girl and be quiet, alright? *ZAIA watches in morbid fascination* KUJA: Now then, shall we try this again? ZAIA: Explanation. Now. KUJA: Zaia, I'd like you to meet Aletia. Say hello, sweetie. ALETIA: Chi! ZAIA: Aletia? KUJA: Aletia Oxygala. It's a kind of moth found throughout New York state. Her mother liked the name. ZAIA: And that is? *KUJA turns* KUJA: Come on in sweetheart! *a WOMAN with short blond hair steps into the picture. Large moth wings sprout from her back, a set of feathery antennae adorn her head, and her eyes are a multifaceted blue* KUJA: Zaia, I'd like you to meet Mothra-tan. ZAIA: Er, hello? *she shivers visibly* *MOTHRA-TAN bows and chirps sweetly* ZAIA: And...just how did you two meet? KUJA: Well, Yosemite Bear was bored one day and used one of his big sci-fi thingamabobs to create a bunch of female humanoid Godzilla characters. ZAIA: *obviously confused* Right. KUJA: Well, MT and I hooked up, and- ZAIA: Yeah, I get it. You wound up with this. ALETIA: Chi? ZAIA: *shudders and speaks quickly* Well, anyway, I'm very happy for you Kuja, I'm sure fatherhood'll suit you but can you please go and- KUJA: Well, I was wondering something. ZAIA: What? KUJA: Could you take care of Aletia for a little while? MT and I had something come up that we need to take care of. ZAIA: *horrified* I promised someone else I'd babysit tonight, so absolutely- KUJA: Great! *he hands ALETIA over to ZAIA* She's not a picky eater so don't worry too much about that and we'll be back later tonight! Thanks, bye-bye! *KUJA and MOTHRA-TAN quickly exit, closing the door behind them* ZAIA: -not! *a moment passes as ZAIA and ALETIA turn to stare at each other* ALETIA: Chi? *ZAIA shudders and sets her down* ZAIA: When your dad comes back for you I swear I'm going to punch him so hard. *she watches ALETIA crawl around the room and look around curiously, then suddenly shudders* ZAIA: Well, at least you're not a loudmouth. *she turns and rubs the back of her neck* And if that isn't the weirdest family I've ever seen. *doorbell. ZAIA opens it to find a man in power armor, a large white cat, and a two- foot tall, backpack-wearing GODZILLA with a rather large head standing at her front door* TYPHONIS: Hello, Zaia! SINGULAR QUARTET: Do you think you could help us with something? CHIBI-ZILLA: Rrrrronk! ZAIA: Spoke too soon. Spoke WAY too soon. PART 2: Little Monsters CHIBIZILLA: Aaaaarrrrrk? ZAIA: Uh... TYPHONIS: Look, normally we wouldn't ask you to do this, but there was a, uh, accident at the labs and radiation is spewing all over the place. And you know what this little guy does around radiation, right? ZAIA: Uh... TYPHONIS: He gets big. Real big. *he holds his arms out really wide to show what he means, but bangs his hand on the doorframe before he can get a suitable representation* SINGULAR: So we were wondering if he could stay by you for a little while. Just until we get the spill cleaned up. ZAIA: Uh... CHIBIZILLA: Ronk! SINGULAR: We promise he won't be a problem, just make sure he does his homework. It's in his pack. CHIBIZILLA: Hrrrrroooonnnnk! SINGULAR: Don't talk back to me! ZAIA: Guys? TYPHONIS AND SINGULAR: Yeah? ZAIA: WHERE THE HELL DID THIS COME FROM?! TYPHONIS: Well, we were experimenting- SINGULAR: -on the big guy- TYPHONIS: -and there was a little slip in space/time- SINGULAR: -so we got fifteen dozen little Chibi-zillas running around and blowing nuclear fire- TYPHONIS: -but we couldn't control all of them- SINGULAR: -so we crushed all their souls into this one body. *a moment of silence* ZAIA: Safety procedures. Learn them sometime. TYPHONIS: Awww, that's all you ever say. Can't you ever think about the potential good we might accomplish someday? ZAIA: Right now I'm trying to imagine a hundred and eighty little Godzillas running around, screeching, and blowing things up. *SINGULAR and TYPHONIS look at each other, then turn their backs on ZAIA for a moment to tap at a calculator* SINGULAR: Wow, she's right! *they turn back around* TYPHONIS: Hey, you're pretty good at math! *he retrieves a business card* Want to come work at the labs? ZAIA: ABSOLUTELY NOT! TYPHONIS: Damn. We're going to have to start hiring temps again. And they never last long. CHIBIZILLA: Rark! *he steps into the house, pushing past ZAIA in the process* ZAIA: Hey! CHIBIZILLA: Grrrooooonk! ZAIA: STOP CHEWING ON THE COUCH! TYPHONIS: Well, looks like he's settling in fine. SINGULAR: Thanks, Zaia. Come on Typh, we've got forms to fill out before the EPA kicks into gear. TYPHONIS: Right, right. Bye! *they run to a sleek and fancy car that promptly shoots straight up into the air and vanishes. ZAIA slowly shakes her head and goes back inside to find CHIBIZILLA pushing ALETIA across the room* ALETIA: Chi! Chiiiii! CHIBIZILLA: Rrrrrrooooonnnnk! ZAIA: Hey, stop that! *she forcibly separates the two of them. CHIBIZILLA blows a raspberry at ALETIA* ZAIA: *muttering* Great. He's a bully. *she picks up CHIBIZILLA by the scruff of his neck and plunks him down on the couch, then leers at him* ZAIA: Hi, I'm a nice lady, got it? *a nod* But I can also be a very tough lady. *ZAIA'S 'Lady Deathstrike' claws sprout from her fingertips and surround CHBIZILLA'S head* So don't make me mad and we'll get along just fine, OK? *rapid nodding* Good boy. *doorbell* ZAIA: Oh, please tell me that's them. *she opens the door to find NITRAM and TEVAR standing outside, dressed in full Black Mage/White Mage regalia and holding a very small Black Mage* NITRAM: Hi, Z. Can we ask a fav- ZAIA: GO AWAY! *she slams the door in their faces. A moment passes and she grins* ZAIA: Ha. That showed 'em. *the window shatters as the small mage gets hurled through it* MAGE: YAAAAAAA! *ZAIA runs to the newly-shattered window just in time to see NITRAM and TEVAR vanish into thin air* ZAIA: I'll get you for this! MAGE: That frigging hurt. *ZAIA spins* ZAIA: Cyran, is that you? What the hell? CYRAN: Time stop. Haste. Two spells that must never be combined. ZAIA: And now you're a little kid again? *she starts to grin* CYRAN: Do NOT look at me like that. *he turns and comes face-to-face with ALETIA* ALETIA: Chi! CYRAN: What the f- ZAIA: Hey, no bad language in this house, young man! *she gives CYRAN a rap on the head* CYRAN: Do NOT get used to this, Z. *doorbell* PART 3: Full House and the Sky's the Limit *ZAIA opens the door to find CPL. KENDALL and MRS. KENDALL standing there* ZAIA: Oh thank God you're here! *she practically falls into their arms* MRS KENDALL: What is it? Is something wrong? *CYRAN'S voice is heard from off screen* CYRAN: Hey, what's with the Godzilla suit? CHIBIZILLA: Ronk! ZAIA: It seems like I'm going to be watching more kids than I thought tonight. CPL KENDALL: Is that a problem? CHIBIZILLA: Rrrrrraaaaarrrrk! CYRAN: Oh my god! He breathes fire! HELP! CPL: Um. MRS: Should we maybe just go home and not leave- ZAIA: No! I mean, I could use her help. Because she's always friendly and nice and helpful...and...I need help here. Please? MRS: Well, alright. *she turns* Come on, honey! *LINDAR comes bounding up* LINDAR: HI, ZAIA! *she leaps at ZAIA and gives her a big hug* ZAIA: Hi, sweetie! Have you got all your stuff? LINDAR: Yep! *she holds up a big, colorful bag, bulging with...stuff* ZAIA: Good girl! *she looks back up at the KENDALLS* I'll see you at ten? CPL: Right, as long as there's not too much traffic. Bye, honey! LINDAR: Bye mom, bye dad! MRS: Have fun! *they leave and ZAIA brings LINDAR inside* CYRAN: LINDAR! *he comes racing up and tackles the new arrival. CHIBIZILLA comes rushing up, then screeches to a halt and skedaddles as he catches ZAIA'S glare* LINDAR: Hi, Cyran! CYRAN: You gotta get me outta here! They're crazy! ALETIA: Chi? LINDAR: *gushes* OhmygoditssocuteIloveit! *LINDAR picks up ALETIA and gives her a crushing hug. ALETIA begins struggling* ZAIA: Ah, everything seems so much nicer when Lindar's around... *she blinks* ZAIA: Waitaminute. Lindar wasn't supposed to be coming over today... *knock at the door. ZAIA opens it to find STRAVO standing there holding a jar* ZAIA: Stravo? STRAVO: Zaia? ZAIA: Stravo? STRAVO: Zaia? ZAIA: Stravo? STRAVO: Zaia? ZAIA: Stravo? STRAVO: Zaia? *a moment of silence. Struggles continue in the background* STRAVO: Can you baby-sit for me tonight? ZAIA: *sighs* Sure, why not? Where's your daughter? STRAVO: Oh, no, not my daughter. My child. *he holds out a water-filled glass jar. Inside the jar is what appears to be a large human brain with a series of tentacles growing from it and an eyestalk that pokes over the jar's lip* ZAIA: Stravo...this is a brain. STRAVO: Yes, my brainchild. *rimshot* STRAVO: I'm cleaning the apartment and he doesn't like dust. BRAINCHILD: *with a snooty accent* Gets in the jar, you know. It's a dreadful time cleaning it all up. *ZAIA slumps marginally and holds out her hands. STRAVO places the jar in them* STRAVO: Thanks a lot. ZAIA: *flatly* Yep. *she goes back inside and shuts the door behind her. A moment later, ALETIA goes racing by with LINDAR in hot pursuit* ALETIA: CHIIIIIIIIIIII! LINDAR: I JUST WANNA LOOK AT YOUR TAIL! BRAINCHILD: I SAY! CHIBIZILLA: RRRRROOOOONNNNNK! CYRAN: NO, THEY'RE MY COOKIEES! I STOLE THEM FAIR AND SQUARE! ZAIA: Dear god, help me. PART 4: And Here She Is *all kids yelling* ZAIA: That's enough! *silence* ZAIA: That's better. Now then- *doorbell. All kids go back to yelling at each other. ZAIA hurriedly places BRAINCHILD on a nearby coffee table and runs for the door* BRAINCHILD: Don't you leave me here unattended! LINDAR: Ooh, pretty! BRAINCHILD: No touching! Shoo! *CUT TO: outside the house, where MARINA is standing, holding an overnight bag and tapping her foot. ZAIA flings open the door and closes it behind her before throwing her arms around MARINA and kissing her* MARINA: Mrph! *ZAIA lets go and leans against the door* MARINA: Well, I believe that sets the tone for the evening. ZAIA: Oh, shut up. You have no idea what's going on in there. A two-foot tall Godzilla. Lindar. Baby Cyran. A brain in a jar. Kuja's daughter- MARINA: Kuja had a kid?! ZAIA: A two-foot caterpillar. *silence* MARINA: I don't want to know, do I? ZAIA: *firmly* No. MARINA: Very well then, here are her things. *MARINA hands over the bag* And I just gave her a snack, so don't spoil her. ZAIA: Sure thing. *a beat* So, where is this girl of yours? *MARINA looks around briefly, then hisses loudly. A moment later, an elf-eared young girl comes tearing around the corner of the house, scaled lower body thrashing wildly. She has a mouse clutched in her mouth. Still struggling* MARINA: Zaia, meet Nanahi. ZAIA: *with a smile* Hello there. NANAHI: H'mo. MARINA: *sternly* Haven't I told you to swallow before speaking? *NANAHI gulps the mouse* NANAHI: Hello, Miss Zaia! *NANAHI smiles widely, revealing a pair of snake fangs* ZAIA: *brightly* Well, how polite! I think we're going to get along just fine! *she looks back up* A naga? MARINA: Why, is that a problem? ZAIA: Not at all, I love snakes! Just so long as I have the same number of cats in my house when she leaves as I do now. MARINA: I assure you, she's far better behaved than that. ZAIA: Great! *a beat. ZAIA looks at NANAHI and back at MARINA* So, um...obvious question, Marina? *MARINA grins* MARINA: I'll see you tomorrow. *to NANAHI* Behave! NANAHI: Promise! *they watch MARINA leave and wave as she drives away* ZAIA: Well, Nanahi, come in and meet your playmates for the night. *they open the door to a scene of utter chaos. CHIBIZILLA is standing on the couch and holding BRAINCHILD just out of LINDAR'S reach as she hops from foot to foot and squeals. CYRAN is surrounded by a circle of scorched carpet and there is smoke rising from his clothes. ALETIA is frantically crawling around the room with LINDAR'S bag stuck on her head. She furiously shakes back and forth, finally sending the bag flying and knocking CHIBIZILLA over. BRAINCHILD screams as he tips, falls, bounces off LINDAR'S head, and lands upright back on the coffee table* NANAHI: ...you're joking, right? ZAIA: Unfortunately not. NANAHI: *mutters* Secus ego melior ab Hades. ZAIA: What? NANAHI: *evasively* Something I learned...somewhere. CYRAN: Hey, look at the new girl! *activity slows and stops as the various kids come forward to look at NANAHI* CHIBIZILLA: Rrrrrronk? LINDAR: Hey, she's cute! CYRAN: She's...a lizard. *NANAHI hisses angrily and launches herself at CYRAN* BRAINCHILD: My word! *ZAIA lets NANAHI beat on CYRAN for a few seconds, then claps her hands* ZAIA: Alright, alright, that's enough! *silence* You folks have some things to do before you can amuse yourselves. *she points at CHIBIZILLA* You. Homework. *he grunts. ZAIA points at CYRAN* You. Clean the carpet. CYRAN: D'oh. *ZAIA points at ALETIA and LINDAR* ZAIA: You two. Clean the room. LINDAR: Squee! ALETIA: *sadly* Chi. NANAHI: What about me? ZAIA: *pauses* Watch everyone else and make sure they do their jobs. And if they don't, you are completely allowed to go apeshit on them. *NANAHI slithers up onto the couch* NANAHI: You've got it! *multiple groans* CYRAN: *mutters* Suckup. PART 5: Tension *CHIBIZILLA sits on the couch. In his lap is a book bigger than he is, covered in arcane writing. He makes weird grunting noises. LINDAR comes creeping over, looking curious* LINDAR: So, what'cha doing? *CHIBIZILLA turns on her and bellows in a deep voice* CHIBIZILLA: DIA AD AGHAIDH'S AD AODAUN AGUS BAS DUNACH ORT! *LINDAR runs, screaming. CHIBIZILLA wipes some blood from his mouth and goes back to reading. CUT TO the nearby hallway, where CYRAN is trailing ALETIA* CYRAN: So just where the hell did you come from? ALETIA: Chi. ZAIA: *from offscreen* What did I say about the swearing, young man? CYRAN: Enjoy this while you can, Zaia! *ALETIA snickers* CYRAN: Oh, shut up. *he pokes her* ALETIA: *angry* Chi! CYRAN: And what are you gonna do about it? *he goes to poke her again when an image of KUJA springs to life and begins howling* KUJA: CYRAN, IF YOU LAY ONE DIRTY FINGER OF YOURS ON MY DAUGHTER WITHOUT HER EXPLICIT PERMISSION I WILL RIP YOUR ARMS OFF AND BEAT YOU WITH THEM! *ALETIA calmly crawls away, leaving Cyran staring at the wall with one hand still raised* CYRAN: I... *CUT TO: BRAINCHILD sitting on the table. NANAHI pops her head up near him* NANAHI: So just what are you? BRAINCHILD: I am a cerebral creation of Stravo's, constructed to assist in his writing duties. I have an Intelligence Quotient of one hundred and eighty-seven. I am approximately five hundred and twenty-seven days old and can lift twice my own body weight, which happens to be one pound and four ounces. NANAI: You've been working on that introduction for a long time, haven't you? BRAINCHILD: Roughly three months, give or take a day. NANAHI: You don't get out much, do you? BRANCHILD: Sadly no, my lack of motor ability keeps me rather confined to wherever I am set. NANAHI: So why not build a robot body? BRAINCHILD: I actually have one on the drawing board, but lack of funding currently has me stymied. CHIBIZILLA: PH-NGLUI MGLW'NAFH CTHULHU R'LYEH WGAH'NAGL FHTAGN! *CUT TO: SINGULAR AND TYPHONIS in a workshop, bent over what looks like a car that has grown human arms and legs. They suddenly look at each other* TYPHONIS: Did you feel that? SINGULAR: You mean that sensation best described as the entire universe shifting just a few inches to the left? TYPHONIS: Yeah. SINGULAR: Don't worry about it. It just means the kid's doing his homework. *CUT TO: ZAIA'S house* ZAIA: Lindar? Where are you sweetie? *a beat* Cyran, have you seen Lindar? *CAMERA PANS to show CYRAN huddled in the corner, looking at his feet. He raises a hand* CYRAN: She's up there. *PAN UP to reveal LINDAR mirroring CYRAN'S position, but on the ceiling* LINDAR: *waves* Hi! ZAIA: Holy sh- CYRAN: Ah ah ah! That's setting a bad example! ZAIA: Shut up. CYRAN: *grunts* ZAIA: Lindar, sweetie? Please come down from there. LINDAR: Sure thing! *she leaps off the ceiling and comes tumbling into ZAIA'S arms* ZAIA: Thank you, now no more going up there, OK? LINDAR: OK! ZAIA: AND THAT GOES FOR EVERYONE! ANYONE ON THE WALLS OR CEILING, GET BACK ON THE FLOOR NOW! *CUT TO the kitchen, where ALETIA is curiously inspecting the ceiling light* ALETIA: *annoyed* Chi. *she turns and begins crawling back down. CUT TO the dining room, where NANAHI is upside down on the ceiling, holding BRAINCHILD* NANAHI: Damn. How could she have known? BRAINCHILD: It seems I must re-estimate my assumption that she operates with normal human sensory input. *CUT TO the living room, where CHIBIZILLA is levitating in midair, still absorbed in his book. At ZAIA'S yell, he lowers the book, looks at the nearest wall, looks at the ceiling, looks at the floor, then shrugs and goes back to reading. CUT TO the hall* CYRAN: *sniff* Hey, does anyone smell smoke? ZAIA: Oh no! My pasta's burning! *she drops LINDAR and runs into the kitchen* ZAIA: *from off-screen* GET OFF THE WALL, ALETIA! ALETIA: CHI! *the smoke alarm goes off. Time passes as windows are thrown open and fans switched on* ZAIA: Hey, kids! Who wants to go out for dinner? *cheers. ZAIA turns to look at the camera* ZAIA: Yes, I'm aware that this bunch is going to attract a lot of unwelcome attention. But I just almost burned my house down. So shut up. PART 6: Clown Cars and Pretty Kitties *OPEN UP on the garage as the door to the house opens and the KIDS come piling out* LINDAR: SHOTGUN! CYRAN: No way! I called it first! LINDAR: It doesn't count unless you can see the car! CYRAN: What? NANAHI: I'm afraid she's right. That's the most accepted way. CYRAN: Who made up THAT dumbass rule? ZAIA: *off-screen* CYRAN! CYRAN: I'm sorry already! Jeez! LINDAR: HAHA! *they turn to find CHIBIZILLA buckling into the front seat* CHIBIZILLA: Ronk! LINDAR: HEY! *CYRAN snickers and climbs into the backseat along with ALETIA and NANAHI. LINDAR scrambles over CHIBIZILLA and throws the armrest up to get to the middle front seat* CHIBIZILLA: RRRRRROOOOOONNNNNK! LINDAR: Sorry, didn't mean to step on your.whatever that is. *ZAIA comes out holding BRAINCHILD, then hands him off to CHIBIZILLA* CHIBIZILLA: Rrronk? ZAIA: Because you're in the passenger seat. CHIBIZILLA: Ronk. ZAIA: I'm not asking you to like it, I'm telling you to do it. *CHIBIZILLA glares down at BRAINCHILD* BRAINCHILD: Do not even attempt to blame this on me. *ZAIA crossed the garage and gets into the driver's seat, hits the garage opener, and glances into the rearview mirror as she starts the car* ZAIA: Cyran, why do you look so glum all of a sudden? CYRAN: I'm in the back of a car with two females and not only are they not human, we're also all underage. *NANAHI and ALETIA both turn to glare at him* CYRAN: Uh...no offense intended...right, ladies? *ALETIA chomps on CYRAN'S arm and NANAHI sinks her fangs into his neck. CUT TO the car pulling out of the driveway. A lot of thrashing can be seen in the backseat and a few faint screams are heard as the car turns to drive away. CUT TO the car on the highway a few minutes later. A heavily bandaged CYRAN sits in the back seat* ZAIA: So, does anyone have any preferences on where we're going? LINDAR: Squee! CHIBIZILLA: Ronk! BRAINCHILD: I have none. ALETIA: Chi! CYRAN: Hospital. NANAHI: Animal Shelter! LINDAR: Squee! ZAIA: Good lord, I am not asking that question again. OK, let's try this. Who likes Chinese? *several affirmatives* ZAIA: Alright, we're going to Banzai Buffet. BRAINCHILD: Ah yes, banzai, a traditional Japanese battle cry. Also defined as a mass attack of troops without concern for casualties, a definition originating- *CHIBIZILLA shakes the jar* CHIBIZILLA: Ronk! BRAINCHILD: Oh, shut up yourself! You'd do well to listen when I speak, you overgrown salamander! CHIBIZILLA: RONK! ZAIA: No fighting in the car! *silence* ZAIA: Well, here we are. *the car pulls into the parking lot of a strip mall, near a store with the emblazoned words 'BANZAI BUFFET' above the door. The KIDS pile out* ZAIA: Now, stay together- LINDAR: OOH, LOOKEE! *she bolts off into a nearby alleyway* BRAINCHILD: Calculated attention span, point six seconds. ZAIA: Lindar, come back here! *LINDAR reappears holding a mangy cat* LINDAR: Isn't he cute? *a CHINESE MAN dressed as a chef comes out of the alley, wielding a bloody cleaver* CHEF: Hey! That not yours! That mine! That for dinner hour! Give back! NANAHI: Wow, I like this place already! ZAIA: Everyone back in the car, now. Lindar, give the nice man his cat. LINDAR: *tearing up* But I like the kitty! ZAIA: Now! LINDAR: OK. *she hands the cat to the CHEF, who promptly runs back into the alley. A moment later, a bloodcurdling screech is heard* ZAIA: Note to self: never come here again. Ever. PART 7: I Reach For My Browning... ZAIA: So, Chinese is out. NANAHI: That cat looked stringy anyway. *ZAIA shudders* CYRAN: What about pizza? Is there a pizza joint around here? ZAIA: Actually, there is. Any objections? LINDAR: Squee! BRAINCHILD: I have none. CHIBIZILLA: Ronk! ALETIA: Chi! NANAHI: Not here. ZAIA: Then we're going. There's a Pizza Hut next to the mosque up on MacBeth... KIDS: *noises of celebration* *minutes pass until the mosque comes into view* NANAHI: Hey, it looks like there's a demonstration going on! *she points two a pair of groups set up in front of the mosque, a group of LEFTWINGERS and a group of RIGHTWINGERS. The RIGHTWINGERS are burning a large pile of copies of the Koran as one of them shouts into a megaphone* R-WING NUT: TELL THE FOLKS IN LONDON IT'S A RELIGION OF PEACE! RIGHTWINGERS: YEAH! R-WING NUT: TELL IT TO THE WIDOWS AND ORPHANS! RIGHTWINGERS: YEAH! *meanwhile, the LEFTWINGERS are toting pro-Islam and pro-diplomacy signs as one of their own does the megaphone thing* L-WING NUT: YOU CAN'T BURN A BOOK BECAUSE YOU DON'T AGREE WITH IT! LEFTWINGERS: YEAH! L-WING NUT: WE HAVE TO ACCEPT MUSLIMS AND WORK TOGETHER FOR A BETTER FUTURE! LEFTWINGERS: YEAH! *someone in the Left-wing crowd shouts at the RIGHTWINGERS* GUY: You ought to respect Muslim culture! *MKSHEPPARD, dressed in a full-blown Nazi uniform, steps out from the Right-wing crowd* SHEP: Wenn ich 'Kultur' höre, entsichere ich meinen Browning! LINDAR: Huh? BRAINCHILD: Translation from German: "When I hear the word 'culture', I release the safety catch on my Browning." ZAIA: What?! *SHEP proceeds to whip out a rifle and open fire on the unfortunate Left-winger. People on both sides begin panicking. ZAIA hits the accelerator* ZAIA: Kids! Everyone look out the left side, right now! *all but CYRAN do so. He cranes his head to watch the disappearing mosque* CYRAN: Wow, he got him right between the eyes. ZAIA: Cyran! CYRAN: Just look at the blood spray, the skull's gotta be shattered- ZAIA: CYRAN! CYRAN: Must've just pulped the brain- *LINDAR is beginning to look green* CYRAN: Blown it all out the back- ZAIA: CYRAN, SHUT UP! *CYRAN looks around, confused* CYRAN: What? I was just commenting that it must've been an armor-piercing round, since it just blew right through the guy and didn't explode like a hollowpoint- ZAIA: Nanahi! *NANAHI turns on CYRAN and again sinks her fangs into his neck* CYRAN: YYYYEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWW! GET HER OFF, GET HER OFF! *CHIBIZILLA chants in an unnaturally deep voice* CHIBIZILLA: N'GAI, N'GHA'GHAA, BUGG-SHOGGOG, Y'HAH! *NANAHI suddenly lets go of CYRAN and begins panting and fanning herself while thrashing in her seat* NANAHI: IT BURNS, IT BURNS! MAKE IT STOP! CYRAN: Wow. *CUT TO the labs* SINGULAR: Kid's practicing again. TYPHONIS: Yep. *CUT TO the car* NANAHI: IT HURTS! ZAIA: I thought I said no fighting in the car! *CHIBIZILLA grunts and makes a hand-twisting motion. NANAHI collapses into her seat* NANAHI: Ooowwwww... *CUT TO a very dark cavern-like place with flames covering the ground and walls. Something huge and misshapen can be vaguely seen moving through the flames when it suddenly halts and looks at the ceiling. A deep bass voice speaks* VOICE: WHO HURT MY LITTLE GIRL?! PART 8: When the Shit Hits the Fan, Duck ZAIA: Alright, Chinese is out, pizza's out. Any ideas? LINDAR: Squee! CYRAN: Outback Steakhouse! NANAHI: Burger King! BRANCHILD: Friday's! CHIBIZILLA: Ronk! ALETIA: Chi! ZAIA: Come on guys, you have to just pick one. LINDAR: Squee! CYRAN: Outback Steakhouse! NANAHI: Burger King! BRANCHILD: Friday's! CHIBIZILLA: Ronk! ALETIA: Chi! ZAIA: *sigh* This may take a while. *CUT TO what appears to be a cathedral drenched in flames that appear to sprout from pools of blood. The smoke is so thick it obscures virtually everything, but a pair of demonic FIGURES can be vaguely seen moving through it. They come to an altar and take a knee* VOICE: You know what you must do. DEMONS: Yes, lord. VOICE: Then go. DEMONS: Yes, lord. *they turn to leave* VOICE: And hey. *DEMONS turn back* VOICE: Pick up some hot wings on the way back, will ya? Like a basket or something. DEMON 1: Sure thing. DEMON 2: You got it. VOICE: OK, that's all. *the DEMONS exit. CUT TO a real-world church, where the RIGHTWING NUTS have apparently gathered* PREACHER: Go out and DESTROY the unbelievers, sayeth the Lord! RIGHTWINGERS: HALLELUJAH! PREACHER: Their heathen beliefs were what cased a RIOT today! RIGHTWINGERS: PRAISE JESUS! PREACHER: There is only ONE place to find God, and it is HERE! *he throws his arm back at the church, at which point a pair of BALROGS come ripping out the front doors* PREACHER: HOLY SHIT! BALROG 1: Can you believe those idiots built a church right over the portal? BALROG 2: Hey, don't look at me, I didn't make them. *the PREACHER holds out a Bible in one trembling hand* PREACHER: S-stay back! Get thee behind me Satan! Thou art an offense to me...and...uh... *he trails off as the two BALROGS come up to tower over them. One holds up a hand and flicks the PREACHER in the forehead with his middle finger, sending the man flying across the street to slam into a lamppost and bend it* BALROG 1: Jackass. *RIGHTWINGERS panic and scatter as the two BALROGS calmly turn and walk down the street* BALROG 1: Remind you of home yet? BALROG 2: Nah, let's blow some shit up. BALROG 1: Just can't forget the cheese fries. BALROG 2: Hot wings. BALROG 1: Right, those too. *CUT TO a Subway parking lot. ZAIA is herding the KIDS across to the eatery* LINDAR: Yay! I love Subway! CYRAN: You love everything and everyone. LINDAR: I do! Yay! *they get inside. The Subway folks behind the counter stare at the group* ZAIA: Ask no questions and you all get five bucks. *they get to work* SUBWAY GUY: What can I get you? LINDAR: Uhmmm... *others bypass her while she spends the next half-hour trying to decide and failing* CYRAN: Meatball sub. BRAINCHILD: Ice water for myself, hold the ice. *ALETIA indicates the picture of a chicken finger sub* NANAHI: Give me one of those triple meat subs, but no mayo. And no tomato. No lettuce either. Come to think of it, screw the sub, just give me the meat. *CHIBIZILLA growls the crew into guessing what kind of sub he wants* ZAIA: Just a turkey sub for me, thanks. *ZAIA pays up and joins everyone else at the pair of tables they've taken over* CYRAN: Yum. ZAIA: Lindar, honey, don't you want anything? LINDAR: *tearing up* I can't make up my mind! *ZAIA rips her sub in two and offers half to LINDAR* ZAIA: Here. LINDAR: Yay! I love you! *everyone starts eating or, in the case of BRAINCHILD, sticking a tentacle into the glass of water and somehow making the level of the water slowly drop* ZAIA: Well, everyone's so quiet all of a sudden. I guess that means the food's good. *without warning, the two BALROGS come ripping through the wall* BALROG 1: GO TIME! NANAHI: Oh, crap. PART 9: Demons are People Too, Dammit! BALROG 2: WHO'S THE LITTLE RUNT HERE WHO JUST SIGNED HIS OWN DEATH WARRANT?! *chaos ensues as people dive for cover* ZAIA: Cyran- CYRAN: I DIDN'T DO IT THIS TIME! NANAHI: Everyone shut up! *silence* NANAHI: Hi! BALROGS: Hi, Nanahi! *they smile and wave* ZAIA: So...friends of yours? NANAHI: Um, kind of. They work for my dad. *CHIBIZILLA immediately ducks under the table* CYRAN: Holy crap. BRAINCHILD: Mental notation: avoid unpleasantries with Nanahi's parents at any cost. *NANAHI slithers over to the BALROGS* NANAHI: Now...I haven't seen you guys in a while. *a pause* You're Serat, right? BALROG 1: Yep! NANAHI: So that makes you...Jerat? BALROG 2: Right! *NANAHI turns back to look at ZAIA* NANAHI: They're brothers. SERAT: Twins, actually. NANAHI: Oh, come on, it's the same thing. Anyway, Jerat and Serat, meet Zaia. She's watching me for the night. BALROGS: *in chorus* Hello, Zaia! ZAIA: Um...hi. *she waves weakly* NANAHI: So, do you want to join us? BALROGS: Uh... *they exchange a look* JERAT: Yeah! SERAT: Sure! *NANAHI slithers back over to ZAIA* NANAHI: Could you pay for them? I promise you'll get it back. ZAIA: Sure, I guess. SUBWAY GUY: Uh- ZAIA: No questions and you all get another five. *back to work for them* JERAT: Vegetable sub. CYRAN: A vegetarian demon? Now that's freaky. JERAT: And don't toast the bun, scorch it. CYAN: Extra freaky. LINDAR: I think he's cute. CYRAN: Super extra freaky. SERAT: That Italian BLT one looks good. And put some hot sauce on it. *the SUBWAY GUY makes the sub and spatters some hot sauce over it* SERAT: More. *the GUY adds some more* SERAT: More. *the GUY puts on enough to soak the top bun* SERAT: More. JERAT: Maybe you want some sub with your hot sauce? Christ. SERAT: Hey, don't use that kind of language, there's kids present. *the two get their orders and join the group as ZAIA pays* NANAHI: Anyway, what brings you up here? JERAT: Running a couple errands. Speaking of which- SERAT: Ugh, this thing is soggy. *JERAT rolls his eyes* JERAT: You had the guy put, what, two-thirds of a bottle on there? Of course it's soggy. SERAT: And it's not hot enough. NANAHI: Anyway. CYRAN: How's the peppers? JERAT: Not bad. Could be spicier but I don't like Jalapenos. CYRAN: No? JERAT: Nah, they give me the runs. CYRAN: Ah, I know how that can be. JERAT: *snorts* Kid, I'm a creature made out of molten rock and smoke. Do you REALLY think you know how it can be? CYRAN: I stand corrected. NANAHI: ANYWAY! *BALROGS cower* SERAT: Sorry! Sorry! JERAT: We came here to deal with that guy! NANAHI: What? JERAT: We were told somebody decided to hurt you, so we got sent up to smack him. SERAT: So, do you know where he is? *CHIBIZILLA yowls and launches himself up from under the table, attempting to jump over the booth and to the door, but not quite making it as his foot snags on the top of the booth and he ends up dropping to the floor in an unceremonious SPLAT* NANAHI: *deadpan* Well, I was going to say that we took care of him already, but I guess Captain Graceful just gave himself away. SERAT: Let's get him! PART 10: How Many People Wanna Kick Some Ass? *CHIBIZILLA bursts out the Subway door, immediately followed by the BALROGS leaping through the front window* CHIBIZILLA: ROOOOONNNNK! *he whips a small book out of his backpack and begins furiously paging through it* SERAT: SMASH! BURN! KILL! JERAT: CRUSH! SLASH! BURN! SERAT: Hey, I said burn first! JERAT: Oh, shut up. CHIBIZILLA: *makes weird gargling noises* *An upside-down pentagram appears in the air around CHIBIZILLA and suddenly launches a fireball that slams into SERAT and knocks him on his ass* NANAHI: Was that Solomon's Key?! JERAT: Are you okay? SERAT: Kinda like the love taps my girlfriend used to give me. *CHIBIZILLA smacks himself on the forehead* CHIBIZILLA: Ark. *JERAT retrieves a flaming whip* JERAT: My turn! *he cracks the whip near CHIBIZILLA'S head, knocking him to the ground with a yelp. As SERAT stands, JERAT starts to advance, but CHIBIZILLA sits up and chucks the small book at him. JERAT catches it and looks at it curiously, then it explodes in his hand, engulfing him* ZAIA: What the hell? Book grenades?! SERAT: BRO! *the smoke from the explosion dissipates, leaving JERAT standing there unharmed* JERAT: Tastes like mommy's kisses. *he chuckles* BRAINCHILD: That's no good! You need cold-based attacks! SERAT: *mutters* Jeez, open fire on us with a machine gun, why don't you. *CHIBIZILLA again begins searching through his backpack* JERAT: Oh, no you don't! *he whips just as CHIBIZILLA retrieves a small container of blue liquid. The container erupts, instantly covering CHIBIZILLA in blue goop that quickly hardens into ice* SERAT: WOOHOO! You did it! *BALROGS make noises of celebration. Cracks begin to spiderweb the ice and it shatters, dropping CHIBIZILLA to the ground* CHIBIZILLA: Uuuurrrrrrk... SERAT: Let's finish him. *the BALROGS begin to move in. SERAT draws a large flaming sword and begins spinning it in one hand. CHIBIZILLA stands weakly, wobbling as he reaches his full height - of two feet. The BALROGS are now bracketing him* ALETIA: Chi! JERAT: Huh? *he turns to get a blast of wet silk in the face. He howls and drops his whip* JERAT: OOOOWWWWW! MY EYES! SHE GOT MY EYES! I CAN'T SEE, MAN! SERAT: Hey, stay out of this! *ALETIA advances on JERAT, still spraying him. SERAT moves to stop her, but CHIBIZILLA suddenly shakes his head, then begins to suck in a huge breath, his spines glow, energy begins to collect around his mouth, you know the drill. He fires his nuke breath, catching SERAT in the side and sending him flying into a nearby building* LINDAR: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! *JERAT continues to stumble backward, sputtering and flailing wildly* JERAT: SHE'S PUTTING OUT MY FIRE, MAN! *SERAT suddenly charges back through the hole with a roar* SERAT: I'M GONNA GET YOU, YA LITTLE FREAK! CHIBIZLLA: Rawk! *he turns and runs, darting between JERAT'S legs. SERAT slams into his brother and they go tumbling, becoming hopelessly entangled in the threads of silk still being fired by ALETIA* JERAT: I CAN'T SEE! SERAT: I CAN'T BREATHE! JERAT: GET YOUR ELBOW OUT OF MY FACE! SERAT: GET YOUR KNEE OUT OF MY BACK! *CHIBIZILLA runs over and picks up the whole bundle, slowly turning it so that ALETIA can completely cover the two BALROGS with silk, eventually forming a huge silk ball. Once done, CHIBZILLA winds up and sends the huge ball rolling down the street* ZAIA: A pair of giant flaming demons beaten by a couple of two-foot monster kiddies. NANAHI: Yeah, their reputation might never recover. *CHIBIZILLA runs over to ALETIA and hugs her* CHIBIZILLA: Ronk! ALETIA: Chi! ZAIA: ...and now they're best friends. LINDAR: AAWWWWWWWW! *a car comes screeching to a halt nearby. DAVID leans out the window* DAVID: If he starts pushing her around again, it's her fault for taking him back! *he tears off before anyone can reply* BRAINCHILD: I believe that the most pertinent question to ask now is the following. Nanahi, is this issue settled or is that pair going to come back a second time? NANAHI: Uh...I can't be sure. Maybe I should call my dad. ZAIA: Well then, let's get going. SUBWAY GUY: Hey, somebody needs to pay for the damages and explain this to the police! ZAIA: BACK TO THE CAR! NOW! PART 11: Godzilla vs. Jesus *OPEN UP on seashore in the Middle East. A MAN is lecturing to a massive crowd of people* JESUS: And so he who exalts himself shall be humbled, and he who humbles himself shall be exalted. *the people in the crowd murmur for awhile, then a MAN steps forward* MAN: Is it true that you claim to be the son of God? JESUS: You said that, not me. MAN: Answer the question, damn it! *the ground suddenly begins to shake and rumble. Waves form out at sea. Only JESUS and the APOSTLES stand firmly* PETER: What is it? JESUS: Believe and all shall be revealed. THOMAS: Are you sure? JESUS: Yes. THOMAS: Really sure? JESUS: Yes. JUDAS: He's yanking your chain, Tom. JESUS: I am not. *out at sea, a giant head suddenly rises out of the water, followed by a huge black body. GODZILLA looks down at the shore with maddened pupil-less eyes and bellows. People panic and begin to scatter* JESUS: Amen I say to you, that you will not harm these people. MAN: Wow. LUKE: Now you know why we hang around this guy. *GODZILLA begins making his way towards shore, bellowing again* JESUS: Thou shalt not come closer. *GODZILLA suddenly freezes and shakes his head as though confused. JESUS makes a hand motion* JESUS: You will turn and go back to the sea. *everyone watches expectantly as GODZILLA seems to twitch randomly. He grunts in consternation* JESUS: You WILL turn and go back to the sea. MATTHEW: Is it working? JESUS: He is very powerful, very antagonistic, very determined. But he is not invulnerable. JUDAS: It's wearing off! *GODZILLA suddenly bellows again and begins to focus his breath weapon* PAUL: We're dead meat! JESUS: Amen I say to you, faith in me is the shield that will protect you from giant lizards with ugly faces and bad teeth. *GODZILLA howls in anger and fires his nuke breath. People scream and duck away, like that'll do anything. Amazingly, the blast of fire is deflected away from the beach by an invisible force. The attack ends with GODZILLA looking stunned and JESUS still standing calmly on the beach* MARK: Is this the part where we turn the other cheek? CROWD: NO! *GODZILLA rears up and takes a swipe at the shoreline. The APOSTLES scatter as JESUS jumps high into the air, coming down on GODZILLA'S hand. GODZILLA grunts and spins, flinging his hand out. JESUS goes flying, doing a double backflip before gracefully landing on his feet, bobbing up and down with the waves. GODZILLA advances on him* LINDAR (VO): So what happened next? CYRAN (VO): Wait a second. *CUT TO ZAIA'S car* CYRAN: You're telling me that your great-great-granddad fought Jesus. CHIBIZILLA: Ronk! CYRAN: And they left it out of the Bible. CHIBIZILLA: Ronk! CYRAN: And out of those untold hundreds of people there, nobody wrote a story about the giant monster. CHIBIZILLA: Ronk! CYRAN: Yeah, right. Tell me another one. CHIBIZILLA: Rooooonnnnk! CYRAN: What do you mean you've got waterfront property in Kansas? LINDAR: I still want to know how the story ends. *CHIBIZILLA crosses his arms and looks up at the roof of the car* CHIBIZILLA: Rark. CYRAN: Yeah right. You just haven't thought up an ending yet. ALETIA: Chi! CYRAN: I am not being mean! ALETIA: Chi! *a 'chomp' sound* CYRAN: OOOOOWWWWWWW! PART 12: Trouble in Paradise *OPEN UP over a vast expanse of water, the camera rushing towards an island. The beach is dotted with hotels and other buildings. As the camera continues to close in, a large amount of vacationing people can be seen on and around the beach. The camera pans down and slows as it comes in over a pair of figures lying on a beach towel. KUJA has his arm around MOTHRA-TAN as he looks up at the sky. She is asleep* KUJA: *to himself* What a place for a getaway. *a nearby cell phone begins beeping. KUJA is visibly annoyed* KUJA: I should have left that little circuit devil at home. *he delicately slips away and goes to pick up the phone* KUJA: Hello? ZAIA: KUJAAAAAAAAAAA! *he drops the phone and clutches his ear in pain* KUJA: OW! OWWWWWW! *blood begins running from his ear. ZAIA'S scream continues over the phone as it suddenly begins frying and sizzling, finally melting into a puddle on the sand* KUJA: Oh man...this cannot mean anything good. *he runs up the beach towards the nearest hotel, entering the lobby and pushing his way to the front desk* KUJA: I need an industrial-strength phone booth. Here. Now. DESK GUY: Buh? KUJA: Don't stand there gawking! Do it! *the desk clerk picks up the phone and begins chattering rapidly. Minutes later, a very large iron phone booth is wheeled into the lobby and bolted to the wall by a pair of workers. KUJA steps inside, stuffs a large wad of cotton into his good ear, takes a deep breath, then finally picks up the phone and dials* KUJA: Zaia? ZAIA: YOU! *KUJA winces as the booth vibrates* KUJA: What seems to be the problem? ZAIA: You didn't tell me that daughter of yours was going through a biting phase! *KUJA blinks* KUJA: she's not, the last I checked. CYRAN: *from background* Is that Kuja? Give phone now! ZAIA: Stop speaking like a caveman! CYRAN: Me talk English good! Give phone! KUJA: Uh... CYRAN: KUJA, TELL ME HOW TO GET THIS CRAZY BABY CATERPILLAR OF YOURS OFF OF MY ARM! KUJA: *frosty* What did you do? CYRAN: Nothing! *a crunching sound* AAAAHHHH, THE CRUSHING JAWS THEY BURN! KUJA: *calmly* Put my daughter on, please. *a moment* ALETIA: *muffled* Chi? KUJA: Sweetheart, I'm sure whatever you're doing to Cyran, he deserves it. Crunch him again. *a crunching sound followed by another howl* KUJA: Okay sweetie, that's enough. Be a good girl and let go now, alright? ALETIA: Chi! CYRAN: *background* Oh thank god! KUJA: Now you have fun and no more fighting, alright? ALETIA: Chi! KUJA: That's my girl. Put Zaia on again, will you? ZAIA: Kuja? KUJA: Problem solved? ZAIA: I am going to get you for this. You know that, right? KUJA: Yes, I know. I'll be by later to pick up Aletia. Maybe we can pick a date then. ZAIA: Why are you so calm? KUJA: Probably because I'm so used to your beatings that they're just another part of my routine. *CLICK* KUJA: Ow, power hang-up. Didn't see that one coming. *he sets the phone on the cradle and steps out to find a man with a form waiting for him* MAN: This is for using the booth sir, please sign here, here, here, here, here, and here. KUJA: But, uh, there are only four spots for my name. Why do I need to sign these blank pages? MAN: Oh, those two are for my kids. KUJA: Buh? MAN: Well, just imagine how excited they'll be when I come home and tell them I met the real Sephiroth! *CUT TO the beach as MOTHRA-TAN sits up on her blanket and stretches luxuriously. She notices KUJA'S liquefied cell phone and has just enough time to blink before a blue beam of energy comes blasting out of the hotel, scattering smoke and debris. Screams follow as MOTHRA-TAN bolts to her feet and looks horrified. KUJA comes striding out of the dust cloud looking grim* KUJA: Come on, I hear Spain is lovely this time of day. *they depart by flying out over the water as the hotel begins to collapse behind them* PART 13: All Clogged Up and Nowhere to Go *CYRAN drums his fingers on his leg and looks out the car window. As a miracle of writing (more like the author being fucking lazy) his arm is completely healed* NANAHI: So how long until we get back? ZAIA: A few more minutes. LINDAR: Yay! CYRAN: *sighs* *a soft burbling sound causes CYRAN to freeze* CYRAN: Uh, how long was that again? ZAIA: I said a couple of minutes. *another burbling sound, louder this time* CYRAN: Uh, you wouldn't happen to have any Tums or anything, would you? ZAIA: No, not in the car. Why? CYRAN: No reason. *he suddenly sits up straight and goes rigid* NANAHI: Cyran, are you ok? CYRAN: *tersely* Yes. Fine. NANAHI: You look tense. CYRAN: Fine. BRAINCHILD: You appear to be in a moderate amount of pain and your voice indicates that you are not being entirely truthful, Cyran. Please dispense with the façade and inform us- *a soft fart* CYRAN: OH GOD I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM ZAIA STEP ON THE GAS HURRY PLEASE! *the car swerves* ZAIA: Cyran! Don't scream like that! *CYRAN begins sucking air* CYRAN: Oh god I can't hold it go car go please drive fast- ZAIA: Did that meatball sub give you gas, Cyran? CYRAN: Oh god I can't believe I forgot about it please forgive me just drive please drive. *ZAIA shakes her head and steps on the gas. The car lurches as it accelerates and Cyran seems to lurch with it* CYRAN: Not gonna make it not gonna make it not gonna make it- LINDAR: Just squeeze your cheeks! *another soft fart* CYRAN: WOMAN YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF FORCES ARE AT PLAY HERE I COULD KILL GOD WITH WHAT'S BUILDING UP RIGHT NOW SO QUIET! LINDAR: Aletia! Bite him again! *CYRAN glares at ALETIA as she rears back* CYRAN: Don't you dare break my concentration. You're sitting next to me. You'll be the first to suffer the consequences. *ALETIA does the smart thing and settles back. CYRAN begins bouncing in his seat* CYRAN: Can't hold it... ZAIA: Hold it! We're almost there! *CYRAN clutches his stomach* CYRAN: Everyone, say your goodbyes. *CHIBIZILLA sucks in a huge breath and squeezes his eyes shut* ZAIA: Just hold it a little longer and- CYRAN: TOO LATE! GAME OVER, MAN! *he doubles over and releases a tremendous FART that instantly fills the car with noxious yellow-green fumes and sends the group into instant chaos* NANAHI: I CAN'T BREATHE! LINDAR: I'M GONNA HURL! ALETIA: CHIIIIIIII! BRAINCHILD: MY EYE! IT BURNS MY EEEEEYYYYYYEEEE! ZAIA: GET THE WINDOWS! I CAN'T SEE! *CUT TO the exterior of the car, which is now swerving wildly, cutting across multiple lanes of traffic and back again. The windows begin to roll down, releasing steams of the pukish gas as the car continues down the street. In its wake, trees instantly whither and die while grass rots away and flowers drop their petals. An OLD LADY working in her garden keels over and die of a heart attack. Finally, the car pulls into the driveway and everyone instantly piles and begins gasping, Even BRAINCHILD, who got out by latching onto ZAIA'S bum. The only exceptions are CHIBIZILLA, who calmly exits the car and exhales, and CYRAN, who slowly drags himself from the back seat by his hands* CHIBIZILLA: Rooonk? CYRAN: Zilla...I can't feel my butt! NANAHI: Cyran...it ain't there! *camera pans to reveal that everything below CYRAN'S waste is nothing more than a ragged memory* CYRAN: Oh god...I'm gonna die...and without my butt! ZAIA: Speaking of butts- *she grabs BRANCHILD'S jar and pulls him off* ZAIA: Stay off of mine! CHIBIZILLA: Arrrooonnnkkk! *he gestures at the car. Camera pans to reveal a massive hole blown in the back seat* ZAIA: How the heck am I going to pay for that?! CYRAN: I'm sorry Zaia...I'll try to wire you some money...from the other side. *CHIBIZILLA pulls out his book and flips through the pages, finally stopping at one* CHIBIZILLA: PH'NGLUI MGLUI'NATH R'LYEH UIGAH-NAGL FHTAGN! *he turns to spit blood as tendrils suddenly sprout from the ruins of CYRAN'S robe, growing to form a trio of large scaly, clawed reptile legs, one of which bends backwards. As CYRAN stands, his robe shimmers and stops being ragged* CYAN: Wow. I'm a tripod. *he blinks* And I have a new butt. *he examines his new limbs* This is gonna take some getting used to. PART 14: They're Cute At That Age *OPEN UP on ZAIA digging around in a closet and stifling giggles. There's a distant crash* CYRAN: Ow! ZAIA: Make sure he doesn't break anything! CHIBIZILLA: Rooooonnk! *she continues digging for a moment and finds a video camera, then chuckles and switches it on. CUT TO ZAIACAM as it goes bouncing down the hall. There's another crash from the room ahead. The ZAIACAM turns the corner to reveal CYRAN stumbling back and forth on his new trio of legs* CYRAN: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoooaaaa! *CHIBIZILLA and LINDAR run alongside CYRAN, arms ready to catch him if he topples over* BRAINCHILD: The problem is that Cyran's brain is optimized for and comfortable with a bipedal mode of locomotion. Suddenly swapping that for this new tripedal lower body, and to have done so under such traumatic circumstances is thus disorienting. My hypothesis is that it will be roughly another five point seven minutes before Cyran begins inputting his new sensory and balance perception correctly. CYRAN: Fucking pessimist. *he stumbles again and nearly falls* ZAIA: Someday you'll look back on this and laugh. CYRAN: Yeah, right. I'm forgetting this as soon as humanly poss- *he notices ZAIA'S camera* Hey, turn that thing off! ZAIA: Nope. CYRAN: Gimme that! *he takes one step towards her and falls flat on his face* LINDAR: Are you OK? CYRAN: *from the floor* This does not leave the house! Do you understand me? THIS DOES NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE! ZAIA: Come on, try and stand up again. *CYRAN fumbles for a good minute before regaining his feet* NANAHI: I'm glad I don't have to deal with stuff like this. *she toys with the end of her tail* CYRAN: Yuk it up. Someday, I'll have the last laugh. NANAHI: Sure you will. CYRAN: I will! NANAHI: Keep telling yourself that. *CUT TO: a burning city in the center of which a beautiful naga woman flanked by a pair of Balrogs faces off with a horrific creature out of a Lovecraftian nightmare, all jumbled limbs tentacles, and fanged mouths with a set of numerous glowing yellow eyes* CYRAN: I TOLD YOU THIS DAY WOULD COME! NANAHI: You haven't won yet! *CUT BACK to the present day* LINDAR: C'mon hon, you've almost got it! CYRAN: Do you EVER say anything negative? LINDAR: Why, should I? *CHIBIZILLA shoves CYRAN from behind* CYRAN: WHHHOOOOAAAAA! *he goes careening forward but manages to keep all three feet under him* CYRAN: Jerk! *he stampedes back towards CHIBIZILLA, then puts all his weight on his back leg and uses his front two to kick CHIBIZILLA and knock him over* CYRAN: I oughta...hey, I've got it! *he begins running back and forth as CHIBIZILLA gets to his feet* BRAINCHILD: Hmmm. It seems that the sudden and violent input of Chibi-zilla, rather than having an adverse effect on Cyran's concentration instead provided great benefit as Cyran's motor functions went to involuntary control as he sought revenge on-are you getting this? *ZAIACAM SWINGS to reveal ALETIA curled up and sleeping next to BRAINCHILD, a pad and pen on the floor in front of her* ZAIA: Wow, can I keep you around? You'd help on those nights where it takes and hour and a half to fall asleep! BRAINCHILD: Why-you-I've never been so insulted in my life! *CYRAN runs by and picks him up* CYRAN: VICTORY LAP! WOOHOO! BRAINCHILD: HAAAAAAAAALP! ALETIA: *sleepily* Chi? ZAIA: Did you have a good nap, sweetie? ALETIA: Chi! ZAIA: Wait! I forgot insects freak me out! *ZAIACAM suddenly spins around and begins bouncing down the hallway* CYRAN: ZAIA WATCH IT- *ZAIACAM suddenly goes out of control and crashes into something. Static* PART 15: When Demons Make Mistakes, There's Suffering *OPEN UP on Baltimore's harbor area as a massive ball of flaming silk threads comes rolling down the street. People leap aside and cars swerve to get out of its way. The ball comes rolling right up to the waterfront, then slows and stops, hanging precariously on the edge. A moment later it quakes and violently throws itself into the water. Moments pass. Then, a pair of figures dressed in white suits with pale skin and white hair climb out of the water. They simultaneously pull out a pair of sunglasses and put them on* JERAT: We are growing impatient. SERAT: Yes we are. *CUT TO: ZAIA'S front lawn, where an impromptu game of football is underway* CHIBIZILLA: Reeeeeoooonnnnk! CYRAN: Here! Here! *LINDAR flings the football and CYRAN leaps up to grab it, then stampedes past NANAHI to the goal* CYRAN: WOOHOO! CAN'T TOUCH THIS! *he does a three-legged dance* NANAHI: *panting* That's it. I give up. I wanna be quarterback. LINDAR: Why? NANAHI: YOU try keeping up with Mister Tripod for five plays and let's see how you stand up! *CHIBIZILLA, CYRAN, and NANAHI all suddenly freeze* CYRAN: What's that? CHIBIZILLA: ROOONK! *he dives into the bushes in front of ZAIA'S house* NANAHI: Oh boy... *a translucent JERAT and SERAT drop from the sky and become solid as they touch the ground. They simultaneously reach into their coats and withdraw ridiculously oversized Uzis* JERAT: We are back. SERAT: To do our job. CYRAN: Oh yeah? Bring it! *he steps in between the bushes and the twins* BOTH: Alright. *they raise their guns. CYRAN yelps and dives to the side as they open fire, spraying the front of ZAIA'S house with bullets* ZAIA: HEY! STOP THAT! *they do* ZAIA: You...YOU JUST WIPED OUT MY LANDSCAPING! *CYRAN grabs NANAHI* CYRAN: GET DOWN! *he yanks her behind the nearest cover, where ALETIA and LINDAR quickly join them. ZAIA'S claws sprout as she advances menacingly* ZAIA: Do you have any idea HOW HARD it was for me to get that done? JERAT: This is bad. SERAT: Yes it is. *ZAIA leaps at the two of them and slams both of them into the pavement hard enough to create a cloud of dust that obscures the following massacre. When it finally clears, the TWINS are lying on the ground with little cartoon spirals in place of their eyes* ZAIA: Nanahi? *NANAHI comes tentatively slithering out* NANAHI: Yes? ZAIA: Your father had better be willing to pay for this. *NANAHI promptly turns white* NANAHI: Um, I'm sure we can work something out- ZAIA: What's his phone number? NANAHI: You really don't want to- ZAIA: Then I'm calling Marina. NANAHI: NO! I mean, um, ZILLA COME OUT AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS! CHIBIZILLA: *from hiding* Ruh-uh! BRAINCHILD: Zaia, look out! *everyone looks to see the TWINS mutating into a pair of vulture-like creatures with purple chitin and white-feathered wings* CYRAN: What the heck? They're vrocks now? ZAIA: HOW MANY FORMS DO YOU GUYS HAVE?! JERAT: RRRRRAAAAWWWWWWK! *they begin advancing menacingly. CYRAN darts over to join CHIBIZILLA behind the ruined shrubbery* CYRAN: What now? CHIBIZILLA: Rark. *he pulls out another book* CYRAN: What is it this time? The Necronomican? The Book of Vile Darkness? The Book of Amon-Ra? *CHIBIZILLA shows him the title* CYRAN: ...the Holy Bible? *CHIBIZILLA begins flipping through it, finds a page, then hands the open book to CYRAN to hold. He then puts his arms out a la Moses parting the Red Sea* CHIBIZILLA: EGO EVOCO EST! ADESDUM! MARCUS! *a massive wind whips up, howling fiercely and forcing everyone to huddle down for protection* CYRAN: WHAT DID YOU DO?! CHIBIZILLA: RRRRRRROOOOOOONNNK! *the wind slowly dies down* VOICE: So, what brings me to this interesting scene? *everyone looks over to see a MAN standing on the sidewalk wearing elaborate robes and holding a long sword whose hilt forms a large cross* ZAIA: Wait a minute. MARK! MARK S: That would be me. PART 16: Holy War, Batman! CYRAN: You summoned MARK, of all people? CHIBIZILLA: RONK! MARK: Excuse me. That's Saint Mark to you, kiddo. CYRAN: Why does everyone call me kid?! I hate you all! I'm gonna go listen to Linkin Park! *CYRAN exits stage left* *JERAT and SERAT begin to advance on MARK* MARK: You two again? Haven't you learned from last time? *both hiss* MARK: I guess not. Ah well, that just makes it more interesting. *he briefly turns aside and mutters a short prayer while making the sign of the cross, then assumes a fighting stance* MARK: BRINGST IT ONETH! *the two of them leap, but MARK strikes the ground with his sword cross and immediately a blazing white Star of David erupts from the ground. JERAT and SERAT both stop and clutch at their eyes, screaming. MARK suddenly leaps through the symbol, sword raised, but SERAT brings his hands up and ignites a wall of flame that forces MARK back* JERAT: This time, disciple, the battle belongs to us! MADARIATZA TOREZODU! *he slams his fist into his palm and a massive ball of fire ignites around him, growing rapidly. Both demons catch fire and burn away, returning to their original Balrog forms in the process. Fiery holes open up in the ground and many more Balrogs crawl out, swords drawn. They surround MARK, who stands calmly in the center (AUTHOR'S NOTE: imagine the Kill Bill theme playing at this point; better yet, play it on your computer)* JERAT: Now we see who is superior, saint! ZAIA: *from cover* Ohhhhhh boy. *MARK slowly turns in place, looking each and every demon in the eye as they close in around him. Then he hefts his sword. All of them draw back a step. He grins* MARK: That's more like it. *(AUTHOR'S NOTE TWO: At this point, skip ahead to Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood)* SERAT: GET HIM! MARK: DAMNATIO! *MARK kneels as the Balrogs charge, sword gleaming brightly. About a dozen Balrogs are burned to ashes instantly by the holy light* JERAT: Fear nothing! He can't keep that up forever! *yeah, the light's starting to fade already. But as MARK stands, the sword still glows white* MARK: Come on. *they attack* MARK: Pater noster, *he cuts one in half* qui es in Caelis, *he takes another's head off and drives his sword into a midsection* sanctificetur nomen tuum. *he pulls it out and takes the arms off another* Adveniat regnum tuum. *he spins the sword through an infinity loop and takes down four more* Fiat voluntas tua, sicut in caelo et in terra. *he leaps, lands on one's shoulders, and comes down to split a skull* Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie, *he spins and takes the previous one through the spine* et dimitte nobis debita nostra, *he ducks a slash and cuts the attacker's knees off, then takes the head off with the backswing* sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris. *he kicks one in the gut hard enough to send it flying back and knocking over two more* Et ne nos inducas in tentationem, *he conjures a holy flame to destroy the dog pile* sed libera nos a malo. *he strikes a cool heroic pose over the field of demon-chunks* MARK: Amen. JERAT: Shee-it. SERAT: Day-amn. *they stand there like a pair of morons* MARK: You know what happens next, right? BOTH: Uh huh. MARK: Well then, no point waiting. *he raises a hand and a cross appears behind him, throwing his shadow over the twins* MARK: HOSTIS! ABI IN MALUM REM! *a hole opens up beneath them and they drop in. A wind from the opening begins to pull in all the demon corpses after them* JERAT: Shit! We forgot the hot wings! *all the demons get pulled into the hole and it closes* MARK: And so it ends. *he solemnly makes the sign of the cross as everyone rises from their hiding spots* ZAIA: MARK! THAT KICKED ASS! *she runs over and gives MARK a big hug and kiss* LINDAR: Yayyyyy! BRAINCHILD: Well done, well done indeed! *ALETIA goes over to CHIBIZILLA and they exchange a look that says all they need (so what if it's cliché, fuck you all!)* ZAIA: You know...if I'd had to choose one person I knew as a saint in disguise- MARK: Don't go there. ZAIA: Want to come in for a drink? MARK: Well... *he reaches into his robes and pulls out a funky-ass looking gold hourglass with a lot of colorful sand that keeps on turning over and over* ...certainly. I've got a few to spare. *they walk up to the house and open the door* MUSIC: I'VE, BECOME SO NUMB I CAN'T FEEL YOU THERE! BECOME SO TIRED, SO MUCH MORE AWARE! ZAIA: CYRAN, TURN THAT DOWN! CYRAN: NOBODY KNOWS HOW I FEEL! ZAIA: DO IT NOW! MUSIC: I'M, BECOMING THIS, ALL I WANT TO IS BE MORE LIKE ME, AND BE LESS LIKE YOU! MARK: SHOULD I HANDLE THIS?! ZAIA: CYRAN, YOU HAVE EXACTLY ONE SECOND BEFORE I GO TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE ON YOUR HINEY! *music cuts* ZAIA: Thank you. CYRAN: You can all go die. PART 17: The Much-anticipated Ace Pace Cameo! ZAIA: So, what do you want? I've got coffee. MARK: I'll pass. Coffee is the Devil's work. NANAHI: That's a lie of Heaven and you darn well know it! *GRATUITOUS RETCON: MARINA is now holding a latte when she drops NANAHI off* MARK: It is not! NANAHI: Is too! *bell rings* CYRAN: *mutters* Five on the snakegirl. CHIBIZILLA: Rork. ZAIA: Uh, I think I'll get that. *she leaves everyone in the kitchen and goes to the front door, opening it* ACE PACE: Hello, Zaia. ZAIA: Ace! Uh, hi. What's up? Why are you...uh... *pan down to reveal ACE is wearing a large diaper, holding a rattle, and trailing a large crib* ACE: Long story. Can you- ZAIA: Story. Now. ACE: IgotbeatenonbyabunchofstormtroopersandnowI'maninfantalist! HAPPY NOW?! ZAIA: Put spaces between your words or this door closes. ACE: *sigh* The last time I was in New York City, I happened to bump into LT. Hit-Man. ZAIA: Oh boy. ACE: And for no goddamn reason at all, him and his stormtrooper posse decided to beat the living crap out of me! *NOTE: for you poor bastards who didn't read that chapter of Groove, or are just so pathetic in your lives that you don't know about How Stravo Got His Groove Back, at the time of the incident ACE was wearing a back sign saying 'Turbolasers are lasers' planted there by CYRAN* ACE: Well, my fragile little mind couldn't handle that kind of humiliation, so I dealt with it by becoming an infantilist. ZAIA: A what? ACE: A GUY WITH PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE WHO NEEDS TO ACT LIKE A BABY OKAY?! DO I NEED TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?! ZAIA: I'd say you just did. *a snicker* ZAIA: Alright, who's watching? *the curtain on the nearest window parts to reveal everyone else watching the meeting* ZAIA: Oh, for... *a sigh* Look, what do you want? ACE: Just a little favor. ZAIA: I am NOT babysitting you! ACE: That's not it. ZAIA: What is it then? ACE: Can you change my diaper? *he pulls at the hem of the garment and a plume of brown gas erupts from it* ZAIA: UGH! SHOTGUN! *somebody hands her a saw-off stock first and she uses it to wallop ACE into high orbit. She then slams the door and sighs in relief* ZAIA: What a FREAK! *everyone cheers* ZAIA: So, Mark, about that drink. MARK: Well, even a saint is allowed to indulge once in a while. I think I'll take you up on that coffee. NANAHI: I still say Heaven did it. CYRAN: Wow, what a feel-good ending to a really nasty situation! *CUT TO: Rome. As in Rome, Italy. You can see the Coliseum from here. The camera zooms in on an old-looking building and moves in through an open window into a very well-appointed hotel room. The camera closes in on a closed door, which self-opens to reveal a steam filled bathroom. KUJA appears wearing a towel around his waist and smiling broadly* KUJA: Hey folks. Think of this chapter as a little lesson. Now you know what happens to folks who REQUEST to be in my stories instead of waiting for me to GRANT them an appearance. *he grabs the camera and pulls it up to his face, briefly shifting into his werewolf form to display a very large set of fangs* KUJA: GOT THAT?! *camera moves back out into the Roman sky as KUJA laughs maniacally* BONUS MINI-CHAPTER: The Exchange *fade in on a dark and stormy night in Rome. KUJA, still in his werewolf hybrid form, stands in the middle of the Coliseum as a red-haired woman carrying a large bag walks out to meet him* MARINA: You have something to say to me? KUJA: I put Nanahi in. I used your Browning idea. I humiliated Ace Pace AND I gave you your gratuitous latte retcon. MARINA: *smiling* Yes? *KUJA holds out a hand* KUJA: The package. Now. MARINA: As you wish. *she lets go of the bag and backs away as KUJA comes forward to claim it. KUJA: Untouched, I trust. MARINA: You may notice a few...minor alterations. But overall, yes. *he leans over and carefully picks it up before looking inside* KUJA: I've been looking for this for years. MARINA: Enjoy your childhood, Kuja. *she turns and begins to walk away. The camera pulls back, passing over the lip of the Coliseum* KUJA: (vo) Hey, my childhood didn't have any sawblade-wielding sorority wombats! MARINA: (vo laugh) Whoops! KUJA: (vo) GET BACK HERE YOU TWO-TIMER! *fade out* PART 18: OMFG M4D N1NJ4 SK1LLZ! MARK: Good coffee. NANAHI: *muttering* How's it feel to damn yourself? *MARK slams the flat of his sword down on the table* MARK: YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?! NANAHI: Holy crap! How good is your hearing? MARK: *glaring* It's pretty good. *CYRAN walks up and places his front legs on the table edge* ZAIA: Hey. *he sighs and pulls them back down again* CYRAN: Hey Mark, since you're a saint and Nanahi is…some kind of demon, shouldn't the two of you be fighting? *long pause as MARK and NANAHI look at each other uncomfortably* MARK: Yeah... NANAHI: I guess... *they spring away* MARK: But I don't fight kids! NANAHI: And I'm too important for that barbarianism! MARK: Hey, fighting does not automatically equate to barbarianism! NANAHI: Prove me wrong. NARK: Ninjas. *everyone in the room immediately drops to the ground and takes cover. Nothing happens. MARK rolls his eyes* MARK: They don't show up EVERY time you say the word. Stop acting like a bunch of cowards. *everyone cautiously rises to their feet* MARK: Now then. Ninjas. Ninjas started as a class of 14th century Japanese who were trained in martial arts and were hired for espionage and assassinations. They trained using the martial arts of ninjitsu and focused on stealth and delicacy to the extreme. No caveman – or barbarian, if you will – could ever match a ninja in skill or deadliness. NANAHI: But still. CYRAN: Ever dealt with them? MARK: Are you kidding? All the time. *everyone goggles at MARK* MARK: But don't worry, not even ninjas can beat a saint! *he hefts his sword and strikes a cool pose, then his eyes suddenly bug out* MARK: GET DOWN! *he grabs a coffee cup saucer and flings it through the door into the living room to strike a curtain near the window. There's an 'urk' noise, and a man's body dressed entirely in black falls out from behind it* ZAIA: THEY'RE IN MY HOUSE! MARK: STAY DOWN! *he suddenly reaches up and catches a dart that was heading for his neck* MARK: There you are. *he stabs at what seems like an empty stretch of wall. There's another 'urk' noise, and when MARK pulls away a man with his front side painted the same color as the wall falls to the ground. MARK stalks out into the living room and, reacting to nothing, swings his sword up and deflects a shuriken that flies up into the ceiling and drops another ninja to the floor. (AUTHOR'S NOTE: there was more of this planned, but I'm typing this in between classes and running short on time. Suffice to say MARK goes through the house killing about fifty or so ninjas in various really awesome ways)* MARK: How many times must I defeat you men? NINJA: As many times as it takes to defeat you...and regain our honor... MARK: For fuck's sake, it was a paperwork foul-up! Even Baal admitted it! NINJA: Nonetheless...we will...continue... *he expires. MARK rubs his forehead* MARK: *muttering* I am not getting paid nearly enough for this… ZAIA: Is it safe yet? *there is a shimmering behind her* MARK: ZAIA, LOOK OUT! *one more NINJA appears out of thin air and holds his sword to ZAIA'S throat* ZAIA: Ulp. MARK: *muttering again* One more. There's ALWAYS fucking one more. NINJA: Release your weapon or the woman dies! MARK: I... *BRAINCHILD suddenly drops from the ceiling, a black mask around the top of his eyestalk and various barbed implements in his tentacles* BRANCHILD: PH34R |\/|Y L33T4$$ |\|1|\|j4 $K!LLZ, B!TC|-|! *he drops onto the NINJA, who forgets about ZAIA and drops his sword as he screams in pain. Camera follows ZAIA as she runs to MARK'S side, sorta like in the old Star Trek days with Kirk and the lady of the week, as the NINJA keeps screaming. Finally, all that's left is a bag of meat in a ninja outfit* BRANCHILD: All without breaking a sweat. Those Tae-Bo tapes really do work miracles! ZAIA: And now my house is full of corpses. MARK: Well, I'll help clean- *a glowing circle suddenly appears around MARK* MARK: Oh crap, I'm being summoned! Bye! *he vanishes. ZAIA faces her ninja-filled house* ZAIA: OK kids, time to play a game! Whoever gets the most ninjas stacked out in the backyard while I find a bulldozer to rent gets to pick what movie we watch tonight! KIDS: YAAAAY! PART 19: Cossack Boogie – Fight For Your Right *fade in on an anime version of a sleepy one-street town. It is after sundown, and there is snow on the ground with more being blown around in the air. Dark clouds fill the sky and the shutters of a couple empty buildings flap against their sides. Only a couple of the largest buildings have any lights on* SUBTITLE: RUSSIA – 85 MILES WEST OF MOSCOW *CUT TO: the inside of a wooden room with only a large cabinet, a few half-full luggage bags, and a large bed holding two figures. The only sounds are the howls of the wind and a loud bass beat coming from somewhere. After a few moments, one of the figures groans and sits up in bed. MOTHRA-TAN rubs her eyes sleepily and yawns, then sighs and turns to poke at her companion* KUJA: Hmmm? What is it? *as he sits up and organizes his hair, she points down at the floor* KUJA: Oh. Don't worry honey, I'll take care of it. *GUNSHOT SOUND EFFECT AS WE CUT TO: KUJA, still half-asleep, in bathrobe and slippers standing on a second-floor walkway outside his room door as he draws a circle in chalk and then puts a double hexagon inside it before placing his hand flat on the wood. The symbol glows briefly, then fades away* KUJA: That should soundproof things. *he turns to look at the building across the snowy street, a large tavern-like structure. Lights of every color are streaming out the windows and the bass is clearly coming from inside. Along with the heavy beat is a voice rapping* VOICE: You thought I was livid, now I'm even more so, shit I got full blown AIDS and a sore throat. I got a wardrobe with an orange robe. I'm in the fourth row, signin' autographs at your show. *KUJA shakes his head* KUJA: I hate this new shit. *he sticks his hands in his pockets and calmly walks to the stairs and down, then across the street. He looks in the door to reveal a wild party going on with plenty of Russians drunk on (what else?) vodka. At the far end of the room is a raised stage with a karaoke machine. Four PUNKARSES, one in red, one in blue, one in white, and one in brown are on stage, with the red one currently rapping and the other three making dumbass hand motions as they sing backup* RED: I tried suicide once and I'll try it again. That's why I write songs where I die at the end. Cause I don't give a fuck, like my middle finger was stuck and I was wavin' it at everybody screamin', "I suck!" OTHERS: I SUCK!!! *KUJA shakes his head and walks in. Everyone is partying so hard they fail to notice the guy in the bathrobe as he makes his way around the outside of the room and up the side of the stage until he actually starts closing in on the PUNKARSE* RED: Hey, asshole! ASSHOLE! *KUJA grabs the mike and shoves the PUNKARSE off the stage, sending him crashing into the other PUNKARSES, an action that causes everyone to freeze in amazement. KUJA shuts the music off and silence fills the air as he presses buttons on the machine, then suddenly grins at the audience* KUJA: LET'S TAKE THIS PARTY OLDSCHOOL, BABY! *a new beat begins and folks start smiling drunkenly and getting back into it* KUJA: Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin. I came to win, battle me that's a sin. I won't tear the sack up, punk you'd better back up. Try and play the role and the whole crew will act up. Get up, stand up, come on! Come on, throw your hands up! If you've got the feeling jump across the ceiling! CROWD: JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! *at this point all sound cuts off. Confused, the crowd slowly quiets down as all eyes come to rest on the four PUNKARSES, one of whom is holding an unplugged cord in his hand* BLUE: Get off the stage, jackass! *blood vessels pop out on KUJA'S forehead and he clenches suddenly jagged teeth* KUJA: Keeping my wife awake and singing dumbass rap songs at two in the morning I can forgive. But cutting me off...while I'm FLOWIN?! Oh, you gonna pay, bitch! *GUNSHOT SOUND EFFECT AS WE CUT TO: the street, now full of people as KUJA and the four PUNKARSES face each other down* BROWN: You've got one chance. WHITE: Turn around and go back to your room! KUJA: Don't feel like it. RED: Then it's time for you to pay! *he strikes a 'Power Rangers' kind of pose* Fire! WHITE: Air! BLUE: Water! BROWN: Earth! *a lot of smoke erupts and then blows away, revealing them wearing skintight outfits* PUNKARSES: SCIFI FANS! AIR, EARTH, WATER, FIRE! READY TO GIVE UP YET?! KUJA: This is gonna be so easy. *he conjures a small fireball* Mix fire and water, what do you get? STEAM! *he throws the fireball and hits WATER, who vanishes with a scream in a cloud of mist as the others look on in horror* KUJA: *grinning madly* Mix water and fire to get...MORE STEAM! *he makes a gesture and a waterspout erupts under FIRE, who also vanishes in a mist cloud* KUJA: Add air to a fire to get...A CONFLAGARATION! *he throws a fireball at AIR, who erupts into a massive ball of flame* EARTH: *backs away* N-no! Spare me! KUJA: I'm gonna have some fun with you! *he creates a fireball in one hand and a ball of swirling water in the other* Eat this! *the thrusts out both hands, each hitting EARTH in one shoulder* I'M GONNA BAKE YOU AND MELT YOU AT THE SAME TIME! *by the time KUJA'S done, a one half of a backed clay human form falls to the snow. The drunken crown roars approval and KUJA waves around. As he does so, he notices MOTHRA-TAN leaning on the second-story railing. He grins and points up at her, hand in a gun, then jerks it back* KUJA: Bang. *she claps a hand to her chest and grins* KUJA: SO WHO'S READY FOR SOME MUSIC?! *crowd roars. GUNSHOT SOUND EFFECT AS WE CUT TO: Back inside the tavern, KUJA on stage with his arm around MOTHRA-TAN* SYNTHESIZER: FIVE MINUTES OF FUNK! *beat begins* KUJA: Now the party didn't start till I walked in, And I probably wont leave until the thing ends. But in the mean time, the in between time, if you work your thing, then I'll work mine. We came here together so we could have fun, me and you baby, goin' one on one! *FADE OUT as KUJA continues* PART 20: The (More) Amazing Race *OPEN UP on ZAIA'S backyard just in time to see CYRAN burst through the door carrying a body, followed closely by LINDAR, NANAHI, and CHIBIZILLA doing the same. A moment later, ALETIA comes crawling out with her own and BRAINCHILD arrives last, using two of his tentacles to bounce along* BRAINCHILD: So that's one each for everybody. Good start. LINDAR: Aren't you going to play? BRAINCHOLD: Oh no, I could never hope to compete. I'll keep score. CYRAN: HA! That just makes it easier for me to tromp you! NANAHI: We'll see about that! CHIBIZILLA: Arrrrronnnnk! BRAINCHILD: And...go! *everyone bolts towards the door. CYRAN, LINDAR, and CHIBIZILLA arrive there simultaneously and get stuck in the frame, allowing ALETIA and NANAHI to slither in under them* NANAHI: SUCKERS! *CUT TO: ZAIA in her den, holding the phone in one hand as she rests her other hand on an open phone book. The struggling kids can be seen through the glass of the door, but not heard* ZAIA: Hello, Caterpillar? Yes, I'd like to rent a bulldozer. *CYRAN gets free and slams the door in front of the others* ZAIA: Just for today. *CHIBIZILLA smashes down the door on top of CYRAN and runs past along with LINDAR* ZAIA: Uh...let's call this a domestic issue. *CYRAN upends the door and struggles to his feet just in time to be plowed over by NANAHI and ALETIA, each carrying a body to the left* ZAIA: Well...something that can get into a backyard without much trouble, but strong enough to quickly dig, say one mass grave-I mean pit! A pit! Right. *CYRAN stands and yells something before dashing off right. A moment later, CHIBIZILLA comes on from right hauling a corpse in each arm. CYRAN follows with one of his own, pursued closely by LINDAR, who is apparently bawling something* ZAIA: So what have you got? OK...yeah...no...no, not that...yeah, tell me more. *CHIBIZILLA comes back in from left, with NANAHI hanging onto his tail for a lift. They go off right and LINDAR follows. CYRAN manages to get in the door when a blue beam erupts from right, firing NANAHI into LINDAR and then into CYRAN, blowing them all out the door* ZAIA: That one sounds good... *ALETIA darts in from left as CHIBIZILLA shows up carrying another body. ALETIA grabs it in her teeth to rip it out of his grasp as they pass each other, then ducks his attempt to grab her and zips off left. He bellows something and runs back right* ZAIA: OK, here's my license number. *CUT TO: A still shot of the words 'SOME TIME LATER' in neon green letters against a gold background. Polka music plays. CUT TO: ZAIA walking out the door to find her backyard full of dead ninjas and CHIBIZILLA standing over one section of the lawn where the grass has been replaced by loose dirt* ZAIA: So, who wins? BRAINCHILD: The final count stands with Cyran in first, having collected 14 bodies. Nanahi came immediately behind with 13. Next was Lindar, having gathered exactly 10. Then there was Chibi-zilla with 9 to his name, and finally Aletia and her 7. However, it should be noted that although Chibi-zilla placed third in the number of bodies gathered, he has also managed to bury his in the time allotted. CYRAN: That shouldn't count! He blew a hole in the ground with his nuke breath and shoved them all into it! CHIBIZILLA: Rok. *ZAIA dials her phone and makes a call without taking her astonished gaze off CHIBIZILLA* ZAIA: Cancel that rental. *she puts the phone away and begins digging through her wallet* ZAIA: Now, Cyran gets to pick the movie like I promised, but I've got a twenty saying you can't bury all of them in the next five minutes. *CHIBIZILLA roars and blows a column into the ground, then starts tossing ninjas into it* BRAINCHILD: You do realize you're going to lose this bet? ZAIA: Twenty bucks to have him do it in five minutes, or fifteen hundred to do it myself in a couple hours. I don't call that losing. BRAINCHILD: Duly noted. PART 21: This Time, It's Legal CYRAN: OK, OK, OK, which one should I choose, there's so many, hmmm, I like a lot of these. *he zips back and forth in front of ZAIA'S video rack and pulls one* CYRAN: How about A Clockwork Orange? ZAIA: No! CYRAN: House of 1000 Corpses? ZAIA: Forget it. CYRAN: Puppet Master 2? ZAIA: Cyran, please try to pick something that WON'T give the other kids nightmares. CYRAN: BO-RING. ZAIA: Choose! CYRAN: AYE MA'AM! *he begins frantically looking through the videos* CYRAN: No...no...no...no...absolutely no... ZAIA: What's wrong with Suicide Kings? CYRAN: It's mushy. ZAIA: Christopher Walken is...mushy? CYRAN: Puh-leese, the whole thing's a romantic comedy wrapped up in violence, deceit, and mafia sadism. ZAIA: I have no idea how you figured that out and I don't want to. Just go back to looking. CYRAN: Right-o. How about The Phantasm? ZAIA: CYRAN! *CUT TO: the living room, where CHIBIZILLA is flipping through TV channels* LINDAR: What about Animal Planet? ALETIA: Chi! *CHIBIZILLA shrugs and presses a few buttons* TV: Next up, on Animal Planet's 'The Most Extreme', the ten best bug killers in the world! ALETIA: CHIIIII! LINDAR: CHANGE IT! CHANGE IT NOW! *CHBIZILLA fumbles with the remote and hits a few buttons randomly* TV: Now, back to 'The Relic' on Spike! *screaming* NANAHI: Scary movie! Change it! LINDAR: Try TNT. *click* TV: It's clear she killed him by cutting the top of skull off- BRAINCHILD: Oh, disgusting. *click* TV: Next, the CBS nightly movie, Jurassic Park. *click* CHIBIZILLA: Ronk. TV: Captain Janeway? BRAINCHILD: Soooooo drrreeeaaamy... NANAHI: I think I'm gonna toss my cookies... *click* TV: Shake, what the hell are you doing? LINDAR: Woohoo! Aqua Teens! BRAINCHILD: It certainly is on early. ALETIA: Chi? CHIBIZILLA: Reeeonk. NANAHI: Frylock is not gay! CHIBIZILLA: Reeeonk. NANAHI: Straight guys can too know drama! CHIBIZILLA: Brooonk. NANAHI: Oh, go do more studying. CYRAN: HEY, DOES ANYONE WANT TO WATCH 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA? BRAINCHILD: WHICH VERSION? *CUT TO ZAIA and CYRAN* CYRAN: Uh, oh wait, nevermind, it's empty! ZAIA: Shoot, I've got to get that back! CYRAN: Loaned it? ZAIA: I think it's more of a 'permitted theft' case. CYRAN: Ah, that sort of thing. What about An American Werewolf in London? ZAIA: Cyran-oh hell, nevermind, if you want everyone else angry because you gave them nightmares, I'm not going to stop you. Fine. CYRAN: WHEE! PART 22: Everyone Loves Louts CYRAN: OK guys, movie time! LINDAR: No way! CYRAN: Huh? NANAHI: It's gotta wait. CYRAN: Why? BRAINCHILD: Rob and Steve are on next. CYRAN: What?! Is that on now?! Why didn't anyone warn me?! NANHI: Sh! It's about to start! *CYRAN throws himself to the floor in front of the TV. CUT TO: the TV screen** ANNOUNCER: HEEEEEEEY, KIDS! *tuba music* ANNOUNCER: It's the Rob and Steve Comedy Hour! *ROB DALTON runs on wearing a striped suit, followed by STEVE, who crashes into him and knocks them both over. They bounce back to their feet as though made of rubber and wave* DALTON: Hey everyone! We've got a great show lined up for you today! Steve, tell them what they're in for! STEVE: You got it! Today, we have everyone's favorite special guest, Mister Wobbles! *cheers* And as if that's not enough, we've...*he pauses* We've...we've...*he falters* DALTON: *concerned* Steve, are you okay? STEVE: I...I...I can't...*he begins to break down* I can't do this anymore! *ROB rushes the camera, waving frantically* DALTON: COMMERCIAL! IT'S TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL! *commercials come on* NANAHI: What was that all about? BRAINCHILD: I hear Steve's been under a lot of stress lately. NANAHI: Poor guy. *CUT TO: the studio* DALTON: Steve, Steve, come on man, you can't to this to me! *PAN DOWN to reveal STEVE curled up on the floor, blubbering* STEVE: I'm sorry Rob! It's just too much! I can't take it! DALTON: Come on man, just stand up. Come on. *he helps STEVE to his feet* DALTON: Now, you've got a couple of minutes to pull yourself together. STEVE: I- DALTON: Just stick with me for one more show, okay? I can't do this alone! Please? We'll announce your retirement at the end, okay? STEVE: *nodding* Okay. *camera follows STEVE as he walks to his dressing room, closes the door behind him, and fishes a prescription bottle out of a drawer. He unscrews the cap and gulps down about a dozen pills. Abruptly, DALTON throws the door open* DALTON: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! STEVE: IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! DALTON: LET GO OF THE DRUGS, MAN! STEVE: NO, THEY HELP ME! DALTON: HAND THEM OVER! STEVE: YOU JUST WANT THEM FOR YOURSELF, DON'T YOU?! *CUT TO: the living room* CYRAN: Hey, they're back! DALTON: -ING TRASH! STEVE: LOUSY THIEF! CYRAN: Whoa, they're going at it! KIDS: FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! *ROB and STEVE continue trading punches and ripping their costumes to shreds, shaking off the efforts of the crew to separate them* DALTON: JUST ADMIT YOU'RE A GODDAMN ADDICT! STEVE: FUCK YOU, COCKSUCKER! ZAIA: That's it. Movie time! CYRAN: No way! I want to see who wins! *static, followed by a 'Technical Difficulties' screen* CYRAN: Aw, rats! BRAINCHILD: Front page tomorrow, you think? CHIBIZILLA: Ronk. PART 23: Just When You Thought Things Were All Under Control LINDAR: Is this a scary movie? ZAIA: Yes. If you don't- LINDAR: Cool! ZAIA: Um- NANAHI: I don't like scary movies. CYRAN: Don't worry. If you get scared I'll hold your hand. *NANAHI visibly thinks this over* NANAHI: I don't think my dad would be too pleased with that. *CUT TO: image of a BALROG holding CYRAN by the legs and repeatedly smashing him into the pavement* CYRAN: Uh...right. *CHIBIZILLA quietly leaves the couch, circles around behind it, and grabs NANAHI from behind* CHIBIZILLA: Ronk! NANAHI: YEEK! *she leaps off the couch and coils herself around CYRAN as CHIBIZILLA laughs* NANAHI: Jerk. CYRAN: Uh... NANAHI: Shut up. I'm staying right here with you. *CUT TO: NITRAM somewhere standing bolt upright with a look of shock* NITRAM: Feels like hell just froze over! *CUT BACK to the house as ZAIA hits buttons on the remote* ZAIA: Stupid previews. Here we go. LINDAR: Hey, does anyone want popcorn? *she bolts off to go rummage through her bag, pulling out a microwave that she promptly plugs into the wall before shoving a bag of popcorn inside and zapping it* LINDAR: Here we go! CYRAN: Rock on. *spot music as the side door opens and KRAMER sticks his head in* KRAMER: Hey, got any jam left? ZAIA: Yeah, it's in the fridge door. KRAMER: Oh, thanks! *he vanishes into the kitchen, leaving the door open* ZAIA: Hey, let me have some popcorn. *KRAMER reappears gnawing on a badly-made jam sandwich* KRAMER: Mmmm, what's on? ZAIA: Movie. KRAMER: Oh yeah, what? ZAIA: American Werewolf in London. Are you staying to watch? KRAMER: Oh no, I can't watch werewolf movies, I get indigestion. ZAIA: See you later then. KRAMER: See ya! *he heads back out the side door* TV: Arooooooo! BRAINCHILD: Ah, that would be the wolf. VOICE: Arooooooo! CYRAN: Hey, nice surround sound. ZAIA: I don't have surround sound. *pause* CYRAN: Yeah, hardy-har. ZAIA: No, really. *pause* VOICE: Arooooooooo! *everyone jumps together and huddles on the couch* CYRAN: OK, stop the ride, I wanna get off. NANAHI: I want my mommy! BRAINCHILD: Can individual organs contract lycanthropy? CHIBIZILLA: Reeeeeeeeenk! ZAIA: Quiet, all of you! VOICE: Arooooooooo! ZAIA: It's behind the couch! *everyone spins around to peek over the seat of the couch, revealing ALETIA sitting up and howling* ALETIA: Arooooooooo! CYRAN: You've gotta be kidding me. ZAIA: Dear god, she's taking after her father. LINDAR: Ooooh, is she going to transform? Tonight's a full moon, right? ZAIA: COVER THE WINDOWS! NOW! *everyone bolts off the couch, scattering across the house* INTERLUDE: Meandering *OPEN UP on a smoke filled room with a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling. KUJA sits at a typewriter, slowly clicking the keys. After a moment, he sits back and takes a drag on a cigarette. The door opens and a GUY walks in* GUY: What's this? KUJA: I wanted to get some noir in and it's hard to do that with a bunch of kids around. GUY: Ah, gotcha. *the GUY flops down on a nearby couch and flips on an old black-and-white TV* KUJA: Get me a beer, will you? GUY: You never told me you write better drunk. KUJA: I don't. GUY: Oh. *he turns on an X-box and begins playing Battlefront 2* GUY: Who do you think would win, Aayla Secura or Darth Vader? KUJA: Vader killed the Jedi. Aayla got hosed by a squad of clones. Vader by default. GUY: Huh. You're acting a little snappy Kuja, what's up? *KUJA spins, beer in hand* KUJA: Dammit Dan, I nearly died! DAN: Huh? KUJA: The CAR Dan. For God's sake, the CAR. *FLASHBACK: KUJA in his Mustang driving down a highway. All of a sudden a tire explodes, sending the car into a wild cartwheel, landing upright in the median* DAN: You're so full of it. *FLASHBACK: The Mustang slowly pulling into a parking spot and suddenly lurching to the left, Kuja gets out of the car and looks at the wheel* KUJA: Motherfucker. *end flashback* KUJA: OK, so I embellished a little. DAN: A lot. KUJA: Fuck off. DAN: You know, if this is supposed to be noir, shouldn't you be a detective or something? And constantly having a thought track? KUJA: Meh. DAN: You're bored aren't you? KUJA: Yeah. *a figure suddenly sits up from the floor* JIM: Did somebody ask for shrooms? DAN: No Jim, go back to your drunken stupor. JIM: Okay. *he lays back down* DAN: Wanna play Battlefront? KUJA: Already beat it. DAN: Soul Calibur 3? KUJA: The AI in that game pisses me off to no end. *another figure walks in from the kitchen* MIKE: Mmmm, sweet and sour seagulls. KUJA: You get weirder every day. VOICE: Kuj, where's your plunger? KUJA: DAMMIT TOM! TOM: Sorry! KUJA: Wait a second. How many bloody people are in my house? JIM: Yo. DAN: Hey. MIKE: Here. TOM: Yep! VOICE: Hola! VOICE: Schweez. VOICE: S'up yo! KUJA: No wonder I can't frigging write. My house is full of idiots. DAN: Yeah, and fuck you too. TOM: Hey, are we ordering pizza tonight? KUJA: For fuck's sake. MIKE: Hey, where's Mothra? JIM: Yeah, where's your GIRLfriend? KUJA: About to step on your nuts. *JIM panics, then realizes there's nobody there* JIM: I hate you! KUJA: Sucker. PART 24: And Here's Even Less Control NANAHI: Hey Zaia? There's some weird-looking guy in the kitchen! VOICE: SHUT UP, WORM! *pounding sounds* ZAIA: Oh shit, I know that voice... *she creeps into the kitchen to find NANAHI goggling at a huge figure in a face mask who is currently occupied with chopping up a slab of meat with a huge axe* ZAIA: I though I took your key away. How the hell did you get in here, Astaroth? ASTAROTH: DOOR, SCHMOOR! I BUSTED IT OPEN! *ZAIA smacks her forehead* ZAIA: Never mind. What the hell are you doing now? *ASTAROTH drops his axe and turns around, holding a giant blood-splattered platter* ASTAROTH: DINNER! ZAIA: You haven't even cooked it! *ASTAROTH roars and throws it to the ground* ASTAROTH: YOU'RE SO PICKY! THIS IS WHY I DUMPED YOU! ZAIA: EXCUSE ME?! I DUMPED YOU, YOU OVERSIZED LUNKHEAD! *they begin a heated argument as CHIBIZILLA comes up behind NANAHI, taps her on the shoulder, and leads her out of the kitchen back into the living room where the other kids are waiting* NANAHI: What's up? CYRAN: We're gonna take Aletia outside and see what happens. NANAHI: *staring* You do have a death wish, don't you? CYRAN: Oh hush. This is all in the name of scientific understanding. Lindar, help me grab her. LINDAR: OK! *they grab hold of ALETIA and haul her outside as CHIBIZILLA holds the door open as they dash out to the front lawn* CYRAN: Aletia, look up there! *ALETIA looks up at the full moon and freezes, blinking slowly. For a moment, nothing happens. Then she begins sprouting brown fur all over and legs grow from her sides. After a minute, ALETIA has become a full-fledged wolf pup* LINDAR: AWWWWWW! She's so cute! CUDDLES! *she dives at ALETIA with arms outstretched, but the newly-made werewolf panics and dodges out of the way, then begins running* CYRAN: Shit! Catch her! *he and NANAHI dart forward, but ALETIA hops out of the way and dashes across the street, going right through somebody's screen door. There is the sound of breaking glass and a cat's panicked yowl* BRAINCHILD: Not good, not good. NANAHI: What do we do now? CYRAN: Cover it up and hope nobody notices? *everyone turns to stare at CYRAN* CYRAN: Well, it was worth mentioning. NANAHI: Lindar, follow her trail! LINDAR: Got it! *LINDAR pulls a set of cat ears out of her backpack and puts them on. They promptly start wriggling* LINDAR: This way! CYRAN: I hope Zaia's gonna be arguing for awhile. BRAINCHILD: Knowing Zaia...knowing Astaroth...it'll be a few. Part 25: The Search for Spock, er, Aletia CYRAN: OK, so let's go. NANAHI: Wait, where's Zilla? LINDAR: And Brainy? *a roar from the garage, followed by CHIBIZILLA pulling out on a blue ATV wearing a helmet. BRAINCHILD rests on the back cargo slot, holding some kind of keypad in his tentacles* NANAHI: What the heck? BRAINCHILD: We stole it from the garage. We can follow Aletia much faster this way. CYRAN: Like Z won't notice it's gone? BRAINCHILD: Ah, but that's where this comes in. My lycanthro-tracker. I fully intend to be back within the half hour. Let's go! *they roar off* CYRAN: OH YEAH! WELL FINE! I'LL SHOW YOU TECH-HEADS! *he takes a breath* Lindar, get to listening. LINDAR: OK. *she wiggles her new cat ears* Let's try this way! *CYRAN, LINDAR, and NANAHI take off across the street. CUT TO BRANCHILD and CHIBIZILLA rumbling down another lane* BRANCHILD: Left here. CHIBIZILLA: Ronk? BRAINCHILD: Right. *CHIBIZILLA hangs a right* BRAINCHILD: No, I said left! CHIBIZILLA: Reeeeeooonnnnk! BRAINCHILD: LEFT WAS RIGHT! *CUT TO CYRAN and LINDAR, standing in front of a house with a puppy-sized hold in its screen door. NANAHI comes slithering up* NANAHI: Can't find any way out. I think she's still in there. *sudden barking and a yowling cat, followed by the sound of splintering wood* NANAHI: Or not. CYRAN: We'll never keep up with her like this. C'mere. *he grabs LINDAR with one arm and NANAHI with the other, then crouches and springs up into the air, attempting to clear the house* LINDAR: There she is! I see her in the backyard! *CYRAN'S leap falls way short and his legs go through the roof* CYRAN: Oh shit. I'm stuck! *CUT TO: A room with a trio of Lovecraftian legs sticking through the ceiling. A light turns on to reveal a little KID in pajamas* KID: MOMMYYYYYYYYYYY! *CUT TO: ZAIA'S kitchen* ZAIA: AND FURTHERMORE-wait a minute. ASTAROTH: WHAT?! ZAIA: It's been almost ten minutes and we've been arguing without interruption. ASTAROTH: SO?! ZAIA: I've got a bad feeling about this. *one quick search of the house later* ZAIA: Shit, shit, shit! Now what?! ASTAROTH: CALM DOWN! LEAVE IT TO ME! ZAIA: Huh? *ASTAROTH pulls out a cell phone. CUT TO: a restaurant somewhere. Nervous patrons sit at tables far away from a man entirely clad in blue armor as he uses a giant claw to mix his coffee. A cell phone rings and he retrieves it* NIGHTMARE: S'up yo? *he takes a sip* Nah. *a pause* Awesome. See ya in ten. *pause* Word. Later, man. *he hangs up, retrieves a giant sword with an eyeball in it, and stalks out. People begin sighing in relief when he suddenly runs back in, digging through his armor* NIGHTMARE: Shit, sorry! Forgot the bill! *he scrounges up enough change to pay and then runs back out to his sword* BYSTANDER: Yo dude, this thing be lookin' at me! Dat's mad crazy, yo. NIGHTMARE: Sorry, I only speak German. *he leaves the guy there. Minutes pass* BYSTANDER: Hey! PART 26: It Gets Weirder *OPEN UP on an ATV driving down a lonely street* BRAINCHILD: Now keep left... CHIBIZILLA: Ronk. *a beep* BRAINCHILD: Uh oh. CHIBIZILLA: Arrronk? BRAINCHILD: The tracker just picked up another lycanthrope. And it's coming this way. CHIBIZLLA: Ruh-oh. *a giant wolf bursts out of a nearby alley and begins closing on the ATV* BRAINCHILD: HIT IT! HIT IT! *CHIBIZILLA steps on the gas and the ATV takes off at eighty miles per hour, the WEREWOLF right behind them. As they race, other WEREWOLVES and more than a few VAMPIRES begin poking their heads out to see what's going on* BRAINCHILD: Yeesh. Who would've guessed Baltimore is such a cesspool of dark creatures? CHIBIZILLA: Arrreeeeooonnkk. BRAINCHILD: Yeah, I figured they lived in Jersey, too. *CUT TO: LINDAR and NANAHI attempting to extract CYRAN from the roof* NANAHI: And heave! *they yank with no results* CYRAN: Pull harder! LINDAR: So...tired... CYRAN: Dang it, if only I could get some purchase I could kick myself out- *CUT TO the room below where CYRAN is windmilling his legs at high speed* MOTHER: Will you do something? FATHER: I dunno, this would make a pretty good ceiling fan. KID: It scares me! FATHER: OK, I'll go get the glaive. *he leaves and returns with a long pole mounting a blade which he uses to poke CYRAN in the leg. CUT TO: the roof* CYRAN: YYYYYEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW! *he immediately explodes from his hole and goes thirty feet up into the air, coming down in the backyard swimming pool* NANAHI: We're done here, let's go. *they run off, leaving the hole in the roof. LINDAR bounces down and around the pool as CYRAN clambers out. NANAHI slithers down using the drainpipe then goes right through the pool, using her tail the thrash across in a couple seconds. She comes up on the other side soaking wet to find CYRAN staring at her* NANAHI: What? CYRAN: Could you do that again in about twelve years? *she glares at him* NANAHI: Are you stupid? Or just a sucker for pain? LINDAR: Um...Kuja's wolf pup on loose. Hunt. CYRAN: Right, let's get back to that. *CUT TO: ZAIA'S driveway* ZAIA: So, exactly who are we waiting for. ASTAROTH: YOU'LL SEE IN A SECOND! ZAIA: You just have no volume setting between off and bellow, do you? ASTAROTH: BAH! *a screeching sound and sparks erupt from the end of the street as something begins sliding across the blacktop towards them. After a moment, it quickly resolves into NIGHTMARE, Soul Edge held in one hand and brilliant red hair fanning out like a banner* ASTAROTH: ABOUT TIME! NIGHTMARE: I got here as quick as I could. *to ZAIA* Nice to meet finally you. *he uses his giant claw to shake her entire arm* ZAIA: Exactly how is this murderous sociopathic villain supposed to help me find the kids? NIGHTMARE: Villain? Puh-lease. How many villains have hair this perfect? *he tosses his head to display his mane* ZAIA: Yeah, but don't you kill people in your sleep? NIGHTMARE: That was the 1400s. I'm strictly mercenary now. Speaking of which, the job'll cost you a thousand gold pieces. ZAIA: A THOUSAND?! ARE YOU NUTS?! NIGHTMARE: It's either a thousand gold or when I find the kids I pick one at random and eat their soul. How's that sound? ASTAROTH: *whispering* Psst. Better offer the gold. ZAIA: Uh...right. A thousand gold it is. NIGHTMARE: Then let's get cracking. *he turns and tosses Soul Edge into the air, it comes down and hovers a few feet above the ground, blade-side down. NIGHTMARE walks over and hops onto it like a witch's broom* NIGHTMARE: Coming? ZAIA: No, I'll just stay here- *ASTAROTH picks her up and plunks her down on the sword* ASTAROTH: YOU'RE GOING TOO! ARE YOU FORGETTING YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS WHAT TO LOOK FOR?! ZAIA: Darn it. *ASTAROTH climbs on behind her. Soul Edge immediately whines and loses some height* NIGHTMARE: Hey, get off! This thing isn't built for tall and fat! ASTAROTH: SHUT UP AND FLY! NIGHTMARE: I hate noncontract work...okay, let's go. INTERLUDE: The 41-Year-Old Whore *OPEN UP on DAN and KUJA playing Soul Calibur 3 as Raphael and Siegfried* DAN: You know how I know you're gay? KUJA: How? DAN: You always pick the guy with the giant sword. KUJA: That's because I like causing damage. You know how I know you're gay? DAN: How? KUJA: Because when you're startled you screech like a duck getting anal. DAN: Nobody's at their best when they're scared. You know how I know you're gay? KUJA: How? DAN: Half your characters on World of Warcraft are female. KUJA: That's because male night elves are ugly as hell. You know how I know you're gay? DAN: How? KUJA: Your room lacks the requisite porn stash for all male rooms. DAN: That's because I have a computer. You know how I know you're gay? KUJA: How? DAN: You toss around words like 'requisite' without blinking. KUJA: That's because I read a lot. You know how I know you're gay? DAN: How? KUJA: You sang soprano in our high school musical. DAN: I have a high singing voice. You know how I know you're gay? KUJA: How? DAN: You keep changing your hairstyle. KUJA: If you'd kept the same look for twenty years you'd be tired of it too. You know how I know you're gay? DAN: How? KUJA: You fail to find Ivy Valentine attractive. DAN: I don't like leather. You know how I know you're gay? KUJA: How? DAN: You own a pink shirt. KUJA: I blame my grandmother. You know how I know you're gay? DAN: How? KUJA: You're always reluctant to blow shit up. DAN: I'm just not a pyromaniac. You know how I know you're gay? KUJA: How? DAN: You find Sephiroth attractive. KUJA: Yeah, I'll give you that one. You know how I know you're gay? DAN: How? KUJA: You've never seen Dirty Harry. DAN: Nobody has it anymore. You know how I know you're gay? KUJA: How? DAN: I saw you kiss Cass in school once. KUJA: That wasn't a kiss. You know how I know you're gay? DAN: How? KUJA: You slapped Steve on the ass. DAN: Bad habit from the football team. You know how I know you're gay? KUJA: How? DAN: You haven't had a date in three years. KUJA: That doesn't count one-nighters. You know how I know you're gay? DAN: How? KUJA: You and Carrie are planning a fake wedding followed by a fake honeymoon. DAN: At least she's female. You know how I know you're gay? KUJA: How? DAN: You're the fake maid of honor for the fake wedding. KUJA: I've agreed to nothing. DAN: I can force you. KUJA: No you can't. DAN: Next round decides. KUJA: Deal. *they play* DAN: I'm gonna win. KUJA: No you aren't. *Siegfried knocks Raphael into a river* KUJA: There. Find another fake maid. DAN: You only won because you play this 24-7. KUJA: No, I won because you don't understand the concept of strategy. DAN: You know how I know you're gay? KUJA: How? DAN: You understand the concept of strategy. KUJA: I'm an intellectual. You know how I know you're gay? DAN: How? KUJA: You don't like Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. DAN: They're all the same. You know how I know you're gay? *they continue as the match restarts and we FADE OUT* PART 27: The Chase Is On *engine roaring as the ATV hangs a hard right onto a freeway, still pursued by a large pack of wolves, bats, rats, and other creatures of the night* BRAINCHILD: Where are the cars? Even this late there should be cars on the road! I don't see anything! CHIBIZILLA: Reeeonnk! BRAINCHILD: You see them?! Where?! *PAN up ahead, as a frightened-looking wolf pup darts onto the freeway pursued closely by CYRAN, still loaded down with LINDAR and NANAHI, legs whirling so quickly they appear as a blur* CYRAN: I have you now! Grab her! *LINDAR stretches out but can't quite reach* LINDAR: Get closer! CYRAN: I'm trying! *PAN back* BRAINCHILD: They still haven't caught her! Hit the gas! *CUT TO: high above, where an unstable Soul Edge attempts to remain aloft* ZAIA: I'm not seeing this. I'm not. NIGHTMARE: Those kids really must've kicked the hive to get a swarm like that going. ASTAROTH: I'LL HANDLE IT! JUST GET US DOWN THERE! ZAIA: Just catch up with Aletia! She's the only one who can't make it back on her own! NIGHTMARE: I'll do my best... *Soul Edge drops towards the ground below, pulling up barely in time and scraping the pavement of the highway as the trio pursues the massive pack of various things* ZAIA: Can't this thing go any faster? NIGHTMARE: Normally, yes! But I can't accelerate all that well because of the Bubba in row three! ASTAROTH: SHUT UP! *ASTAROTH unslings his axe and begins using the end of the handle to push Soul Edge along faster* ZAIA: If we were in Venice and not involved in a reckless chase, I'd say you'd make a great gondolier. *CUT TO, a bathroom as a MAN walks in and picks up a bottle of Nyquil. Outside his window, a wolf pup rushes by, followed immediately by a Lovecraftian entity carrying a naga and a catgirl. A moment later an ATV driven by a two-foot lizard hauling a screaming brain in the cargo basket roars by pursued hotly by a pack of various evil creatures. Finally, a trio of figures on a flying sword rush past chasing the whole lot. The MAN blinks and looks at the Nyquil, suddenly holding the bottle at arms' length. CUT TO: CYRAN at the head of the chase* CYRAN: REACH FOR IT! *LINDAR groans as she tries to catch ALETIA'S tail and fails* NANAHI: You know, I could end this real quick if you let me bring in- CYRAN: NO! *CUT TO: the ATV* BRAINCHILD: This is bad this is bad this is bad this is bad- CHIBIZILLA: Ronk! BRAINCHILD: Are you nuts?! I don't know how to drive! CRIBIZILLA: ARRRRRONK! BRAINCHILD: OKAY! *they jockey around on the ATV for a moment, BRAINCHILD wrapping his tentacles around the handles, stretching so far his jar ends up in midair* BRAINCHILD: I can't hold it like this for long! Move fast! *CHIBIZILLA balances himself on the back end of the ATV and removes his safety helmet, then leans forward and fires his nuke breath into the pursuing crowd. CUT TO: Soul Edge* NIGHTMARE: What the hell is that?! ZAIA: Oh shit! Gain altitude! *Soul Edge immediately groans* NIGHTMARE: Wishful thinking! *the nuke breath sweeps from side to side, wiping out the pack before stopping just short of Soul Edge, which finally manages to accelerate enough to catch up with the ATV* CHIBIZILLA: Reeonk? ZAIA: Get my joyride back home safe and I promise not to tell. BRAINCHILD: *agonized* Will someone please take the damn steering?! *CHIBIZILLA climbs back into the driver's seat, holding BRAINCHILD'S jar in one arm and steering with the other* BRAINCHILD: Thanks...I'm just going to...take a nap now...zzzzzz... *CUT TO: CYRAN* CYRAN: I can't keep this pace up much longer! LINDAR: Just a few more seconds! *NANAHI is busy rummaging through LINDAR'S bag* NANAHI: I could've sworn I saw one- *CUT TO: the chasers* NIGHTMARE: That's it, I can't squeeze any more speed out of this thing! *CHIBIZILLA'S ATV begins to pull ahead* ZAIA: Astaroth, I really appreciate your willingness to sacrifice yourself to save lives. ASTAROTH: WHAT?! *she kicks him off the sword and he goes skidding across the street. Soul Edge lurches forward and rejoins the pursuit* PART 28: Explosions Fix EVERYTHING CYRAN: WILL YOU HURRY UP?! LINDAR: I CAN'T GET A GRIP! CYRAN: Boy is that the truth. LINDAR: JERK! NANAHI: Hold still for a second! *she rummages through LINDAR'S pack and finally retrieves a stick of dynamite* NANAHI: Found it! CYRAN: Exactly WHAT do you plan to do with that? NANAHI: Whatever happens, just keep running. *CUT TO the rest of the gang* ZAIA: Why do I suddenly see sparks coming from up ahead? NIGHTMARE: Looks like someone lit a stick of dynamite. CHIBIZILLA: RRRREEEOONNNNK?! *CUT TO a faraway cam as figures on the highway come rushing towards a large overpass. As the first group reaches it, it suddenly detonates in a massive explosion. CUT TO: ALETIA, still in wolf form in a cloud of smoke and rubble, growling furiously as figures begin appearing in the haze* LINDAR: C'mon sweetie, let's go home now, OK? NANAHI: Yeah, we've had enough fun for one night, huh? *she mutters* Cornered wolf. Watch the fangs. *a third figure stands up in the smoke, eyes glowing bright red* CYRAN: THAT'S IT! THIS ENDS RIGHT NOW! *he steps into view revealing that his arms have mutated into a reptilian form that matches his legs. He steps right past NANAHI and LINDAR and grabs ALETIA by the scruff of her neck* NANAHI: Holy crap, that was easy. *engine revving as the second group catches up with the first* ZAIA: Who set that off? CYRAN, LINDAR, AND NANAHI: NOT ME! NIGHTMARE: I'd recommend we get out of here before curious minds decide to come looking around. ZAIA: Good idea, let's go. *CUT TO, downtown Baltimore, where a large figure carrying an axe as accosted by a random street thug* THUG: Yo, gimme ya wallet! *ASTAROTH calmly decks the guy and sends him flying into a wall* ASTAROTH: Pretentious little bug. *he continues walking off into the sun...er, moonset. CUT TO: ZAIA'S house, where everyone is standing around the living room watching ALETIA lap up a bowl of water* NANAHI: So how do we get her to change back? CYRAN: Maybe Brainchild has an idea. BRAINCHILD: Zzzzzz... ZAIA: Brainchild is a little tuckered out at the moment. I guess we'll just have to wait until morning. NIGHTMARE: All of this isn't my concern. I want my money. ZAIA: Right, right, come with me. *she gets up and leads him to the basement door and downstairs into a wood-paneled room full of assorted stuff. She taps on one panel and a secret door opens leading into a super high-tech subbasement* NIGHTMARE: Nice place to keep your money. ZAIA: This isn't it yet. *she walks up to a heavy steel door and types a series of numbers onto a keypad, then holds her thumb against a small square to open the door to reveal a stone stairway lined with torches leading deeper into the earth. ZAIA grabs a torch off the wall* ZAIA: Come on. *she leads him down a long flight of stairs decorated by skeletons hanging from wall manacles to an iron door and removes a key from her pocket to open it* ZAIA: A thousand gold pieces, right? NIGHTMARE: Sometimes it's just amazing to find out who keeps dungeons under their house. PART 29: Leno *ZAIA comes back from the front door after letting NIGHTMARE out to find the kids crowded around the tube. Except for ALETIA, who's curled up on the couch between ZAIA'S cats* CYRAN: Rob and Steve made the Tonight Show. ZAIA: You're joking. JAY: And now, we welcome the biggest brawlers in kiddy-show history, Rob Dalton and Big Steve! *applause as the two of them walk out to greet JAY. DALTON sports a black eye and STEVE has his arm in a sling* ZAIA: Dear god, do they just skip the trial and inquiry and just go straight to the talk shows now? NANAHI: Not to mention the rehab. JAY: So how's it feel to be clean, Steve? STEVE: I'm not gonna lie, Jay, it feels great- VOICE: YEEEEEEEHAAAAA! *a pair of leather-clad guys on motorcycles come blasting through the side of the set spraying debris everywhere and screeching to a halt just before JAY'S desk* JAY: What the- *the guy on the first bike retrieves a shotgun and fires it one-handed, knocking JAY backwards and out of sight. He then removes his helmet to reveal the features of CHUCK SONNENBURG* CHUCK: And now it's a party! ZAIA: TV goes off now! KIDS: Awwww! CYRAN: But they were just getting to the violence! ZAIA: *firmly* Off. *click* ZAIA: Where the heck are all your parents? Weren't they going to pick you guys up by now? *CUT TO: KUJA leaning over a typewriter with DARTH YOSHI looking over his shoulder* YOSHI: Isn't that kind of a continuity flaw? *KUJA slowly looks up, then slowly turns to look at YOSHI* YOSHI: Right, never mind. "Continuity is for tightwads" and all that. *KUJA slowly turns to look back at the typewriter. CUT TO: the set of The Tonight Show, where DALTON, STEVE, CHUCK, and CHRIS O'FARRELL (he was the other biker) are sitting around having a smoke in the vacant room* CHUCK: Can you believe he's just gonna cut this whole part? STEVE: Can't catch a break man. CHUCK: No, seriously though, we didn't even get to the part were I prance around with Jay's corpse as a dance partner! DALTON: That was kind of gruesome anyway. CHUCK: That's not the point, man! I signed up to take over the Tonight Show as a morbid biker host! If I sign up to take over the Tonight Show, I want to take over the Tonight Show! STEVE: Hey, who the heck are these guys? *camera pans around to the back of the room to reveal about a dozen figures standing in the audience. Each wears body armor and carries a very large gun. Instead of faces, they have metal-plated skulls strewn with machinery* EVERSOR: We are the Eversor. CHUCK: What the heck do you want? EVERSOR: We are employed to remove loose ends. These scene has been cut from the continuity. Therefore it no longer exists. Therefore you no longer exist. DALTON: Wait just a damn- *the EVERSOR open up on the four of them and blow them all away. Then they turn and start planting melta bombs all over the set* CHRIS: Dammit, I didn't even get one stinking line! *Kaboom. Blackout. CUT TO: KUJA again* YOSHI: You were just looking for an excuse to put those guys in, weren't you? KUJA: So? YOSHI: Uh, nothing. Just making an observation. KUJA: They should just feel grateful I didn't make it a bunch of Culexus. Not that, that would be painful. At least with Eversors you don't get the feeling of your soul being sucked out through your nostrils. YOSHI: Hey, how many chapters did you say you still had to go? KUJA: Only a couple. This story's almost done. *pause* YOSHI: Isn't this the part where one of us makes a joke? KUJA: No this is the part where the ninja stabs the pirate through the back and severs his spine. YOSHI: What? Oh, that was the joke, right? *at this point the NINJA draws his katana and jams it right through the PIRATE'S back, severing his spine* KUJA: No. YOSHI: Now you're just doing it to spite me. KUJA: Yes. YOSHI: That's it, I quit this editing job. All I ever do around here is fetch beers and put out cigarettes. With my bare skin. That hurts, you know. *pause* KUJA: I don't smoke. Chapter 30: Endings Suck *OPEN UP in the middle of the street* KUJA: So wait a minute, we ALL left our kids for Zaia to babysit? AT ONCE? MARINA: Don't look at me, I called in advance. TYPHONIS: I don't think I want to go in there now. STRAVO: The lights are off... MRS KENDALL: That's not necessarily a good thing. SINGULAR: Yeah, she could be lying in wait for us. *TEVAR winds up and gives NITRAM a kick in the arse* TEVAR: You've got the invisibility spell, you go check it out. NITRAM: Hell no! And you can't ever withhold enough sex to make me! TEVAR: Don't be too certain about that... MARINA/KUJA: Oh for hell's sake. *they give each other a wary glance, then leave the group and vanish around the corners of opposite houses. A minute later, an oversized viper and a large wolf approach ZAIA'S house from opposing sides* SINGULAR: Because nobody will find anything strange about that. Nope. Not at all. MRS KENDALL: Hush. *a minute later KUJA and MARINA come back* KUJA: I think they're asleep. Come on. *the group of PARENTS edges their way up the driveway to the front door* CPL KENDALL: Huh. It's unlocked. *he pushes the door open and they creep in nervously* KUJA: Oh, here they are. *ZAIA sits asleep in an easy chair with ALETIA curled up on her lap, CHIBIZILLA and CYRAN sprawled at opposite ends of the couch, BRAINCHILD on the coffee table, LINDAR underneath it, and NANAHI draped across the ceiling fan* STRAVO: Wow. They all look so comfortable. *the parents gather their kids silently and leave some generous tips for ZAIA on the coffee table (hey, I'd say she's earned pretty much anything they give her) before leaving* KUJA: You know, they all looked so comfy. Zaia must be a great babysitter. MARINA: Maybe she'd be willing to do it again sometime. *the lights fly on and ZAIA sticks her head out the door* ZAIA: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! KUJA: Maybe not! MARINA: Let's get out of here! *they bolt*