Subject: [FANFIC] The Voyager Incident (somewhat funny) Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 00:51:48 -0400 From: Crayz9000 Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars I intended this to be a spoof, but as it's almost midnight, the dark side got advantage of me. Oh, well. I wonder how Janeway's going to feeling for the next thousand years. Seven of Nine looked up from her console. "Captain, there's a wormhole nearby that leads back to the Alpha Quadrant." Captain Janeway looked up, being rather absorbed reading an issue of Playboy. "Is there anything around that we can find for an excuse not to go home?" Seven punched several buttons. "No, just a small gas cloud." "Well, go through the gas cloud. No shields. Hopefully, it will wreck our systems enough so we can't go through the wormhole." "At once." The Voyager immediately turned and headed for the gas cloud. Several Borg scouts in the cloud realized what was going on, and signaled the Collective. Soon, fifteen Borg cubes arrived at transwarp. Seven jerked as she sensed the Borg signals. "Captain, we've got company. Fifteen, to be specific." "Oh, no. Borg. Seven, maximum warp for the cloud." The Borg realized what the Voyager was doing, and then engaged their transwarp drives. "Captain, we've got no choice but to go through. Altering course." The Voyager streaked toward the wormhole, with the Borg catching up quickly. On the other end of the wormhole, in the Alpha Quadrant, it was 2060 AD. A single saucer-shaped ship was meandering about, apparently lost. "Dr. Robinson! Dr. Robinson!" The robot came forward as Robinson turned around. "Doctor, there is a rift in space-time directly in front of us. I suggest that we go and investigate." After the accident, Dr. Robinson was very cautious. "But that would pose a hazard, wouldn't it?" Suddenly, there was no reason to even go near the wormhole. A egg- shaped ship came through at high speeds, followed by fourteen lumpy cubes. Drone 13 of 15 online. Pursuing target ship. Ship entering temporal rift. Following at transwarp speeds. Entering temporal rift. Temporary contact with Collective lost. Exiting temporal rift. All contact with Collective lost. Estimated position: Alpha Quadrant, star system Alpha Centauri. Target re-established. Pursuing to assimilate. New ship identified. Unarmed. Unknown drive system. Shieldless. Assimilation priority: 7.0. Dr. Smith was looking at the occurrence. "Doctor, one of those... cubes is moving toward us. I believe we should run." Dr. Robinson looked at him in disbelief, then started grinning. "Of course. Meet me in the exercise room." One Borg materialised on the ship in a room where a young lady was undressing. Drone 9 of 7, formerly known as P. Jacques, looked at her, his human lust overcoming the Collective's programming as he saw the sleek curves of the naked human. He slowly walked forward, dropping his laser sights and other gear. Soon, he almost looked like a normal person... Several hours later... "Oh! Jacquie! Oh!" BzZzZzZzZzzZzZzZzzZT! Click! "Hey! Why'd you do that? Dad, I was fine!" "Ok, you... thing, that's it. NOBODY messes with MY daughter!" Dr. Robinson, glaring enough to kill a Hutt with sight, fired his weapon at the thing that was under the covers with his oldest daughter. He fired several more times, just to emphasise the point. By now 9 of 7 was furious. Half his systems were shorted out already from both being shot at and having oral sex. He rose to his full height, tearing the bedsheets and leaving the girl exposed, and towered over Dr. Robinson. "WHAT DID YOU SAY? YOU ARE AN INCOMBERIGIBLE LUMP OF NANOMATTER!" Dr. Robinson, shocked, pointed his gun at him and fired a steady stream of shots. 9 of 7 staggered, toppled and fell under the onslaught. Just at that moment, Dr. Smith walked in. Seeing the girl exposed, his jaw fell open and he started to drool. Hypnotized, he started walking towards her. Dr. Robinson, now very angry, decided to get rid of Dr. Smith at that moment. BzZzZzZT! Thump! Just then, the Borg cube decided that 9 of 7 should be beamed back. The drone running the transporter energized it, and not one, but two things were on the pad, and jumbled together. Walking up, he stuck nanoprobes into the hapless Dr. Smith. Another Borg materialised in the ship's garbage compactor. Will, who was next to it, suddenly heard screams coming out of it. Opening the viewing hatch, he witnessed a Borg drone being crushed to death. Thinking nothing of it, he resumed work on a dismantled piece of Borg technology. Several more drones beamed into a ventilation shaft. One of them, moving forward, opened a door at the end, and was sucked into space as the shaft vented. The others followed shortly. On board the Voyager, Janeway watched calmly as another console exploded, blasting Ensign Tim Jones' head off instantly. He was good as an anal sex partner, but he had the brains of a grasshopper on crack. Oh, well. He would be reincarnated sooner or later."Ensign Garak, please dispose of that body." "Captain, shields are down by 90%." Seven interrupted the captain's trance. Janeway was not too happy. "So what? I don't care!" Seven looked up again. "There's another wormhole nearby. I'm taking the ship into it." Several light-years away, Timothy Jones came back to consciousness. The last thing he remembered was the console exploding. Damn! If the console exploded, then it could not mean that his theory about it was correct. Looking around him, he saw countless specks of light swarming. "What the hell are these things?" They were, in fact, intelligent bacteria, and they had found something to eat. Swarming over him, they cleaned him until all that was left was a skeleton and some tattered rags. The microbes then moved on in space, in search of another meal. On board the Jupiter 2, things were not going very smoothly. One of the cubes had fired on it, sending it spinning out of control. Another temporal rift had appeared, and sucked the Jupiter into it. The wormhole lead to the Theta Quadrant, a quadrant that the Federation knew nothing about. On the other side, a battle was raging. "Boomer, watch your tail! I'll get 'em for you!" Starbuck blew apart the last Cylon fighter with his lasers. "Thanks, Starbuck. Now, let's head back to the Galactica." "Starbuck, are you seeing what I just saw?" "What?" "Over there- that ship just appeared out of nowhere!" The Jupiter 2 could be seen spinning slowly away from the wormhole. Starbuck, I'll go and investigate. Boomer was halfway to the J-2 before something else came out. "HOLY SHIT!" Fourteen cubes came out, with a badly damaged Voyager in front of them. Just at that moment, a dozen Basestars floated in. Drone 1 of 12 online. New targets identified. Twelve circular ships. Added species 13257 to Collective. Propulsion: ion drive. Weapons: laser emplacements. Shields: none. Assimilation priority: 9.98. Species 13257 firing laser-based weaponry. Minor damage to cube. Adapting. Adaptation successful. Attempting to assimilate. A cube moved towards the Basestar, beaming drones aboard. The drones arrived, but at the top of the center shaft. Falling rapidly, they splattered on the deck, covering a Cylon guard in blood. Finally, one drone hit the Cylon on the head, shorting it out and punching through the deck. The next set of drones managed to beam into the middle of the computer core, effectively blinding the ship as the computer shorted, smoked and exploded. Needless to say, the drones didn't make it. The Basestar, blind and out of control, headed on a collision course for the nearest cube. Colliding, it took out a quarter of the cube before it was assimilated. In the confusion, another wormhole opened up in the path of the conflagration. All the ships were sucked into it as it passed over them. On the bridge of the Interdictor cruiser Mad Harry, Captain Jarvok was bored. He longed for a prisoner to play with. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a body appeared on the bridge. Walking forward, he bent over to examine it. It sat up in shock. "Who- who are you?" "No, who are you?" "I'm... um... Ensign Timothy Jones" Several stormtroopers rushed forward. "TK-734, take him down to the brig." He finally had a new plaything. The Lambda-class shuttle Tyderium blasted through hyperspace. The timer went off, and Han pulled back on the hyperdrive controls. The scene that they saw was astonishing. Fourteen gigantic cubes were engaging a fleet of Star Destroyers. Han, astonished, started to turn the shuttle around when the Rebel fleet, led by Home One, pulled out of hyperspace. On the Voyager, things were moving so fast to the crew that they seemed like a blur. First, they had been in the Delta Quadrant, not minding their own business, when they had entered a wormhole, pursued by fourteen Borg cubes. Then they had entered another wormhole, and came into the middle of a fleet of strange ships. Now they had gone through another wormhole, and were in this big mess. Janeway had almost fainted when she heard the report that most of the new ships were over one kilometer long, and one of the ships was over seventeen kilometers long. She had fainted when they reported a 900 kilometer wide space station. Suddenly, the Voyager rocked hard. Several ion cannon blasts had knocked most of the systems offline. The bridge filled with smoke, and Janeway, coughing, made her way to one of the escape pods as the computer announced warp core detonation in ten seconds. At the same time, Seven crawled toward another escape pod. The two escape pods jettisoned just as the warp core exploded. Their proximity to the explosion blasted them into hyperspace, on a course for a certain desert planet. In the Mad Harry's brig, Captain Jarvok was playing with his new "toy." Screams of agony could be heard throughout the ship as he tried slowly pulling out the prisoner's fingernails. Timothy was in an agonizing condition. "AH! NO! PLEASE! AH!" He had just lost the last of his long, purple-painted, glittery fingernails. The Voyager's two escape pods dropped out of hyperspace, and began falling next to the planet known as Tatooine. Dropping through the atmosphere, they plummeted like two fireballs and landed next to a tall, brown foreboding castle. Several heavily armed guards walked out of the castle to inspect the arrivals. The guards pulled the two unconscious, partially naked women out and dragged them into the castle. At Endor, the fleets were moving in orbit around the planet. Unknown to them, they were nearing another wormhole that would transport them all far, far away. Janeway, suddenly awakened, was dragged before Jabba the Hutt. "Ho ho ho. What have we here?" She tried to get a out of there, but her hands were locked in binders. Her struggling seemed to make the vile, slug-like creature even more interested. Wondering why, she looked down, and suddenly realised that her breasts were exposed. She attempted to cover them, but found out that her hands were locked in binders. Jabba spoke again. "Bring her to me." As she was drawn closer, she noticed the green slime hanging down from his mouth, and tried to back away. "Soon you will learn to appreciate me." She struggled again, but this time she was forced up against the Hutt. "Guards. Leave us." The guards left at once, not wanting to see what was going to happen. The next day... An naked, aching, slimed and bloodied Janeway was lying next to Jabba. After going through Huttese sex, she never wanted to do it again. It felt as if every bone in her body was broken, and it was just about that way. She blacked out again. She awoke with a start, to find a medical droid standing over her. He spoke in a harsh, grated voice. "I am a prison medical droid. I have not been programmed for such luxuries as anesthetics. The less you move, the better." As soon as the droid began operating, she blacked out yet again. Several hours later, she awoke. The first thing she noticed was that she had a maddening itching feeling in her pelvis that would not go away. The droid had spliced her fractured pelvis back together with bone meshes. The second thing was that she was next to Jabba again. "Jabba, NO! Not again!" This time, the guards ran out of the room. The next week... She came back to consciousness feeling even worse. Her pelvis felt like it was on fire. It might as well have been, considering how many splices that the droid put into her. She looked around her, and realized that she was in a tank of fluid of some sort. Holding her breath, she flailed about (thinking she was drowning). The medical droid running the bacta tank noticed the problem and promptly told her to calm down. She got worse when she saw the droid that tormented her the week before. The droid had no choice than to give her a heavy dose of sedatives, and then watched her drift into unconsciousness. The next day... The guards dropped her in front of Jabba, then ran as fast as they could. Janeway felt better than she had in a while, due to her week's stay in a bacta tank. Still, she didn't want to have to go through Huttese sex again. But it looked like she didn't have any choice. Torturous screams came from the brig of the Mad Harry. Captain Jarvok was trying another idea on Jones- pushing needles through his genitals. He smiled in satisfaction as he heard the ensign scream more. Seven heard the keys jangling in the cell lock. Several Gammorean guards ordered her out. They went into a large room of some sort, with numerous slave girls in it. Several of the girls walked up to her, stripped her, and fit her with some kind of tiny metal bikini. The guards then walked her up to Jabba. Janeway was glad that Jabba was through with her. He had her dumped into a pit of some kind, with a massive iron gate at one end. She looked up in time to see the gate slowly pull up, revealing more tunnel behind it. The ground shook, and a Rancor lumbered out. Walking over to her, it sniffed her and died of a heart attack. Jabba was not too pleased at losing his favorite pet. He ordered her to be taken to the Pit of Carkoon, in the Dune Sea. She had no idea of what was going to happen to her there. Seven was taken, along with Jabba, to the Sail Barge. It seemed that another person was to be thrown into the pit. Some ex-guard and a kid. As the barge reached the destination, a slave skiff pulled alongside. Seven watched as Janeway, the guard, and some blond kid were prepared to be thrown in. They shoved the kid off the plank, who then spun around and flipped back onto the skiff, with some metal cylinder flying to his hand. He hit something, and out of the cylinder came a blade of energy. Impressive, she thought. This is perfect for a diversion. Janeway, partially conscious, was struggling on the skiff. Some guy with a rocket pack had just charred one of her exposed breasts as he flew into the pit. She doubled over in intense pain. She was hit on the head by a guard, and knew no more. Seven reached a chained arm up to Jabba's neck and injected him with nanoprobes. She then watched with some amusement as the Hutt's face contorted. Just then a cylindrical droid rolled up to her, and used some kind of welder to snap her chains. She grabbed a nearby blaster, and headed up to the top deck. What she saw was amazing. The blond kid was waving his saber all over the place, blocking blaster shots and decapitating guards. He shouted something at her, and she ran over to the main ship's gun. Setting the fire, she was surprised as he grabbed her, kicked the fire button, and swung across to one of the skiffs. The ex-guard nodded, and hit the accelerator just as the barge exploded in a ball of fire. Janeway returned to consciousness with the realization that she was drowning in acids. The guy with the rocket pack grabbed her as he was struggling to get out. Reaching the surface, she gasped for air and immediately wished that she hadn't done so. He grabbed her, and activated his jetpack, lifting both of them out. She collapsed on the sand, naked, with the sand burning her, somewhere near the pit. Then she heard engines whining overhead, and blacked out again. Later that day, she came to. She was still lying on the sand, but it was dark. The acid had left her skin raw, and the sand felt like fire. She needed water. Raising her head, she looked around. All she saw was a tentacle snaking toward her posterior. Jerking away, she got a closer look at it. The thing was still coming, and it wrapped around her leg, dragging her back to the pit. She screamed as she fell down into it, never to see light again. === To turn it on, you flip the power switch. What's the power switch? http://crayz9000.htmlplanet.com