From: "Ferret" <ferretbk@erols.com>
Subject: Star Wars: The final Frontier
Date: 1998/08/30
Message-ID: <6sc8a3$53s$1@winter.news.erols.com>
Organization: RCN Internet
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars


Think imagry people.      ST spacestation (FINE!!! OK!!! DS9 DAMN! JUST 
DRAG IT OUT OF ME!!! YOU LEECHES), anyway where was I......oh, yea

DS9 sitting peacefully minding it's own business when the wormhole 
opens, but not the normal hole, suddenly a bad ass pootinky Star 
Destroyer emerges through the 'new' wormhole  (oh, yea storyboards)

<on bridge of Star Destroyer>

Capt: Uh, Lt.  where are me

Lt.: Um, we are not sure sir, COM-SCAN doesn't seem to recognize the 
system

Capt: OK, somebody get me some answers (grubling) Sith-spawn, frickin' 
new prototype, Hyperspace motivar piece of crap!

<DS9, OPS>

Kira: Capt. another wormhole opened and something came through, and 
it's OH MY it's huge!!

Sisco: (looks at SD) HOLY S**T!!!!, I didn't know the dominion had one 
of those!!! Ever see anything like that Cheif?

O'Brien: AUCK! I canna give any more then that CAPTAIN!!!!, (Hits 
himself in the head), oh sorry.  Naw I've never seen a few mile long 
ship that resembles a cheese wedge with micky mouse ears.

Sisco: What do you make of it old man?

Dax:.....................................

Sisco: WELL?

Dax:......................................

Sisco: DAX?

Dax:............................................<gurgle>

Sisco: Damn! Forgot, oh well sooooooo what'll we do?



<SD> Lt: Sir we are detecting what appears to be some sort of space 
station duh,duh,duuuuuh!!!!

Capt: Lt, what was that

Lt: DRAMA!

Capt: Knock it off!

Lt: Sir, should we attempt communicating with them.

Capt: (thinks for a moment)

Lt: Sir?

Capt: I'M THINKIN' I'M THINKIN'  NAH! LET'S JUST CONQUER EM!

Lt: As, you with sir the Emperor would be pleased if you were to 
discover and conquer a system in the same day. Capt:  Ah, yeeeesss!! 
promotion (Large Evil laugh) <koff, koff>

<DS9>

Sisco: Hrm, we need to investigate this.  Major send in that non-
discript Federation starship which happens to be in the system which 
was probably destoryed in a previous episode or a movie but we're using 
stock-footage  so it's cool.

Kira:  HUH? oh, um wich one??

Sisco: Um......that one.

<SD>

IMP:  Sir, ooh ooh SIR!

Capt: (to Lt.) You hear something?

LT: Um, below you sir.

Capt: Oh, yeah kinda forgot they're down there.

IMP: Sir I'm detecting a small ship coming up behind us.

Capt: Scan it.

IMP: Yes, sir!

            <A few seconds go by,  suddenly there is laughter from the 
bridge crew>

Capt: (Walks to screen and looks at the ships configiration) Lt, have 
you ever seen a ship like that?

Lt:  What you mean a plate on stilts, nope.

<Ext. Space           The smal starship hurtles itself toward the 
mighty (large) Star Destroyer as it starts to turn.  The starship slams 
into the side of the large grey haul>

<SD>

Capt: Hey you feel something?

Lt: No

<DS9>

(The crew stares in horror as the tiny starship smashes into atoms)

Sisco: "OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED STARFLEET PERSONEL!!!"

O'brien: "YOU BASTARDS!!!"

Sisco:  "Calm yourself, we must thing rationally about our next 
move..........OK you guys do the thinking while I'll sit in my office 
and shave my head"

Crew:  RIGHT!!!!

Sisco: "Oh and sombody get Worf out of the shower"

<Fast forward a bit>

Sisco: "Ok what's the plan?"

Kira: "Well Odo whants to turn himself into a microbe and do some spy 
stuff, I want to talk to em, Quark want's to sell em stuff, and Worf 
wants to invade and kill em all."

Sisco:"Oh, sounds plot worthy....I like it!"

<SD> Capt: "Hrm, there doesn't seem to bee any movement from that 
station."

<Suddenly, severl forms materialize on the deck of the SD bridge>

Capt:  "HEY HOW COME WE CAN'T DO THAT???? Lt, get somebody to work on 
that!"

Lt.:" Right away Si........"(crumples to the floor as he is shot with a 
phaser blast)

Capt: "HEY!, somebody shot my lacky!"

Worf: "DIE!!!!!!! arg grunt!!!! "(Slices open a couple vader-wanna-be 
helmets)

Capt: "Lt, get some troops!!!!, Lt! LT!!!!, oh yeah, dead "(pushes 
button)

                    <several stormtroopers rush is blaster wailing, 
bolt and phaser fire cris cross

Worf bounds up and down, killing troops>

Worf: "DIE TUPPER-WARE WEARING FOOLS!!!!!!!!!"

<a few more minutes of fighting continue>

Capt: (From behind a control consule) Help!!!, er Kill Kill, for the 
glory of Palpatine!!!!

Yes-'m-here-too-Bashir: "Oh shut up........WHAAAAAA!" (falls in crew 
pit) "Geez what a stupid place to put a HEY!!!"

Odo: "Capt. I think it is time to make a stratigic retreat!"

Sisco: "WHAT!?" (a blaster-bolt slams into the wall next to him 
<fizzle>)

Odo: "RUN!"

Sisco: "Oh!" <touches comm badge> "Cheif! 10......er, 9.......er, 
8......er, 7 to beam out!"

            <the DS9 crew dissapears in swirls of light and little 
blinky things>

Capt:  "That is way coool."

IMP 2: "There a runnin sir, there a runnin!"

Capt: "Good work men, you do our Emperor proud,  OK let's get a damage 
report"                 <Several Imperial officer scurry around 
checking things and presing buttons> (looking around) "Man I havn't 
seen this many dead people since Lord Vader accidently took a hit of 
acid!"

Lt:  (grumbles, get's up and stumbles) "Oh MAN!"

Capt: (looks at Lt.) "Huh, your still alive??"

            <the Capt. looks around as the Imperials start waking up, 
except of course the ones who arn't missing limbs and various other 
body parts>

Lt: "Oh, boy do I have a headache."

Capt: (looks around at the recovering Imps) "Oh, geez those guys are 
such pu**eys, they used nothing but stun settings!!"

Lt: (grabs head) "Yeah, what a bunch of losers"

            <the bridge crew starts laughing>

<DS9>

Sisco: "Well we just got our a**es kicked"

Kira: "That's for sure, I've never seen anything like it!"

Odo: "Yes, they've definatly different then anything we've ever 
encounterd."

Chief: "How do their soldiers fight so well, I can't see a thing in 
this helmet!"

Sisco: "Chief, put that down!"

O'Brien: "Sorry."

<SD>

Capt: "Well, this looks like it might be fun, and easy to put down this 
weak system, except for that one guy with moldy forehead he looked hard 
to beat."

Armless-Stormtrooper: "Uh, that's right sir" (passes out)

Lt: "Capt. sir, what's our next move?"

Capt:"Contact Courscant tell them where we are and call for a few 
reinforcements"

Lt: "Uh, we don't know where we are, we got here by accident"

Capt:"Oh, just make something up they'll find us, seems to work for 
these people.

                    <fast forward, plot holes etc.>

Lt: "Sir, don't ask me how but the Executor is coming out of that hole 
thingy and are request we contact them."

Capt: "Open Channel"

            <The Capt. walks towards the middle of the bridge a badly 
flickering image of a dark figure appears>

Vader: (Wheeze) Capt. report. (Wheeze)

Capt:  "Yes, my lord we have entered this foreign system and have 
encountered minimal resistense"

Vader: (Wheeze) "Do you believe we should take this system"

Capt: "Oh, yeah, there a bunch of push overs"

Vader: "Very well, (Wheeze) procced"

<DS9>

Sisco: (looks out window at approching ships) "Yikes!, Major advise 
Starfleet tell them the situation".

Kira: "Aye, sir"

        <more time and less typeing passes>

Kira: "Capt. Starfleet says they're sending severak ships including, 
the Enterprise"

Sisco: "What an umbelivable coinsidense"

        <more time passes hey give me a break it's less you have to 
read>

Kira: "The Enterprise has arrived sir"

Sisco:"Hail them"

        <the great bald one appears on screen>

Picard:"Capt. Sisco seems you have run into a problem"

Sisco" "Yes we have, it's bad enough that Starfleet had to call you in 
and we arn't in a movie"

Picard:"Well don't get your pants in a wod!"

Sisco:"Look buddy I didn't see you anywhere during the Dominion war!!!"

Picard:"Yeah, well you try screwing with the time line again, and 
again, and again"

Sisco:"I did!"

Picard:"Shut up!"

Sisco:"Look here you Shakespearian reject!!"

Picard:"Don't you talk to me! I'm not the one who shaved my head to 
look bald to copy me!!

Sisco: "Look, we need to knock this off, we have bigger problems."

Picard:(still steamed) "Oh, yeah like what?"

Sisco:(pointing at window)

Picard:"Oh."

 <On the bridge of the Executor>

Vader:(Wheeze)(Wheeze) "Capt. start the attack" (Wheeze)(Wheeze)

 <SD>

Capt: "Yes, my lord.   Launch a Squadron of TIEs.

Lt.: "Any more then that?" (Capt. glares at him) "Oh, yeah"

<Ext. space.  Several TIE fighters leave SD and head towards DS9. The 
Enterprise moves into interceppt.>

<what follows is a wonderful, exciting, intense space battle with lots 
of cool special effects neat explosions and tons of unbelievable 
indescrible events too complicated to reproduce here.  Except this 
excert.>

 Unknown Extra: "AHHHHHHHH! <thunk>"

<battle concludes several hours later>

<SD>

Capt.: (to hologram)"I've counted 10 alien ships Lord Vader, but it 
appears we are at a stalemate"

Vader: (Wheeze)"You have failed me for the last time 
captain.......(Capt. starts to choke) wait....(Wheeze)I don't know you 
that well do I?"(Wheeze)

Capt.: (gasping) "No, my Lord"

Vader: "Oh,(Wheeze) then I guess this wouldn't be the LAST time now 
would it"(Wheeze)

Capt.: (slobbering)"No my lord."

Vader: (Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)"Ok you 
live."(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)

Capt: (getting up) "Thank you my lord."

Vader: "How you figured out a way to talk to our enemies"

Capt: "Yes, sir I't coming up now"

<The DS9 crew appears in a badly flickering hologram>

Sisco: "This is Capt. Benjamin Sisco of the United Federation of 
Planets you have envaded our space.  Leave now or we shall taunt you a 
second time!"

Vader:"Oh, yeah! (Wheeze)Well I'm Darth Vader, dark lord of the Sith, 
crusher of world, slayer of Ewoks, (Wheeze)slicer of hands, LEATHER 
BOY!"

Sisco:"Darth Vader? what kinda stupid name is that?"

Vader:"WHAT!" Ok that's it!!! (reaches towards 
hologram)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheez
e)(Wh 
eeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze)(W
heeze )(Wheeze)(Wheeze)"

Sisco:"Huh?, what?, Is something supposed to happen?"

Vader:"Hey it's not working!"

Capt:"Maybe it's broken?"

Vader:"Stow it! I guess since everybody it completly blind to the Force 
it doesn't effect em......That blows!"

Sisco:"Look I'm going to have you talk to our best negociator.

Vader:"Fine!"(Wheeze)

<Picard appears as a badly flickering hologram and looks at Vader the 
hologram starts to run away>

Picard:(running away screaming) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! BWAAAAA! BORG! BORG! 
BORG! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Vader:(very confused)"What's his deal?"

Ricker:"Uh, ad hair day"

Vader:"WELL YOU'RE ALL PISSING ME OFF!! Capt. send for the Death Star!

Capt.:"Isn't there like a problem with that?"

Vader:"I don't care!" (Wheeze)(Wheeze)(Wheeze) "This is a parody I can 
do what ever I want, plus the fan art will look cool later"

<Ext. space [again] The Death Star Blinks into existence>

Vader: "Groovy"

<DS9>

Sisco:"Ok will sombody tell me where that large a** moon just came 
from?"

Kira:"That's no moon!! oh my!!!!"

Odo:"That's no moon!"

O'brien:"That's no moon!"

Bashir:"That's no moon?"

Quark:"It's only a model"

All: Shussh!!

<The image of Grand Moff Tarkin appears on DS9's  screen>

Tarkin:"Did you loose this?"

<the screen changes to a view of the Death Star's tractor beam towing 
another small ship>

Sisco:"Oh, my GOD!! It's the Voyager!!!

<DON'T ASK>

<what followed was a lot of arguing complaining whineing insulting and 
pot shots back and forth until finally something happened, it was quite 
extrodinary event and well timed considering that it happend at the 
same time as this galactic struggle, just after Data started hitting on 
a service Droid>

<ext space (yawn) a Borg Cube comes to a hault just next to the Death 
Star>

Borg:"Lower your shields, we shall assimulate you into our collective, 
resistense if futile"

<everybody stops arguing>

All:"Oh shut up!"

<Executor>

Vader:(Wheeze)(Wheeze)"What is this"

Borg: "We are the Borg, lower your shields and...........Drone, 
assimulate those humans."

Vader:"Huh? (Wheeze) what do you mean drone?"

Borg:"You are Borg are you not?"

Vader:"HUH?(Wheeze)(Wheeze) no"

Borg: "Well, you got some way cool digs man!!"

Vader: "Uh, thank you?"

Borg:"Look, we can tell you are one swell guy."

Vader:"What are you talking (Wheeze) about?"

Borg:"You are one funky mo' fo"

Vader: "SPEAK BASIC!!!"

Borg: "OK let's go"

<The Borg proceeded to assimulate the Death Star, thus making life 
really difficult.  another long and fantasically difficult to express 
battle takes place and the Federation and the Empire join forces 
because of the Federation's THING about saving everybody and the Empire 
wanting to regain it's propety.  Eventually hundreds of extras are 
dead, several comics and novels have been written and lots of fans are 
created>

<later>

Picard: "So baby, now that this little war thing is over what you say 
me and you get together."

Seven of Nine: "Locutus?"

Picard:(running away screaming) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! BWAAAAA! BORG! BORG! 
BORG! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! 


the end

your welcome,

Ferret

I'm an equal oportunity saturist.