------------------------------------------------------------ Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Subject: [Fanfic] Story I found From: "Jedi Anger" Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 01:07:12 -0700 I didn't write this story. I found it quite a while back. It's pretty funny, so I thought I would share it with all of you. Hope the original author doesn't mind. Enjoy! From: "Stan" This is a joke story about what could have happened in Star Trek 8. On the Defiant, Worf said to the ensign, "Report, you son a bitch!" "Don't call me a son of a bitch, you knobby headed fucker!" replied the ensign. "Just read the fucking report!" Worf said, taking the cigarette out of his mouth. "All right, hold your thing around your shoulder on. The Starships Bozeman and Reliant have been destroyed. What kind of name is Bozeman anyway?" "Beats the shit out of me," said Worf, taking the needle out of his arm. "Oh, Christ!" said the lt. "It's the Enterprise." Picard's voice came over the comms system. "This is Captain Picard, I'm taking command of the fleet. AAAAAAAHHHHH! DEANNA YES! YES!" "Oh, yeah, we are saved," said the lt., with a hint of sarcasm. Picard spoke again, "All right, assholes, fire on these co-ordinates. Blahblahblah!" The ensign on the Defiant seemed confused. "What the fuck?" "The bottom left hand corner, you uneducated slut!" replied Picard. All the ships fired on the Borg cube, but with no effect. "Any more bright ideas, Picard?" asked Ensign Hudson. "You secure that shit Hudson!" yelled Picard. "Okay this is what we're gong to do. RUN! Run like the wind!" "Bravo, bravo," said Worf, taking the straw out of his nose and putting away his tray of white powder. Spit, spit. "Captain." said Deanna, "are you satisfied now? Thousands of people are dead because you ordered them to fire, wasting valuable escape time." "Shut up and suck, harlot." Troi the trollop obeyed. The fleet fled for Cardassia. "This is Gul Dukat. Fuck off or we will destroy you." "Like fuck!" said Picard, "there is a Borg cube headed for you! Run! Run like the wind!" "Bollocks, the Borg are in the Delta Quadrant. Now get the fuck 'fore I kick your ass outa this. Oh ye GODS!!! A Borg vessel entering Cardassian space." "Believe me now?" Picard chuckled. But Dukat had already gone to his ship. "This is worse than the time I got caught by the Cardassians," Picard said. Riker was playing about with a phaser. He said "Christ, I'm bored," and shot himself in the head. A few beeps came across the comm system. "AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Captain!" shouted Geordi from engineering. "I'm blind!!" he exclaimed. "Geordi, fuck off, I'm busy," said Picard. Another beep from the comms system. "We are the Borg. Lower your?" "Yes, yes we've heard this all before, what do you want?" "You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile." "Bullshit," said Data. "We beat you before and we'll beat you again!" "Bullshit is irrelevant. Resistance is futile." "Before you assimilate us, we have a piece of technology to give you" said Data. "We will add you biological and technological distinctiveness to our own." "Hold on and try this first. Its called Windows '95. Its pretty good." "We will add your technological distinctiveness to our own." "Yes, well, give it a try first." "Oh, all right," said the Borg. "Data," Picard said, "what are you doing, you dumb bitch?" "Giving them Windows '95. It will destroy them. It will consume every system resource until their computer crashes." "But they'll upgrade." "Not possible. It is impervious to upgrading. Any dumb shit knows that. Obviously you are thicker than pig shit." "Woah!!! This is way better than that funny shape idea we had a few years ago. Make it so." "Stop saying that! I'll make it fucking so when I'm ready!" Data transmitted Windows '95, which destroyed the cube within seconds.