Subject: Re: (Voyager) WTF!?
Date: 12 Jan 2001 09:21:29 GMT
From: jhansen007@aol.commodo (Ensign Jimmy)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars


Colin Brian Witz contemplated the mass of the solar system before 
coming up with the following:

>Man, is Majeal scavenging his salad recipies for show ideas now?
>

::Groans::  I can almost see it now.

Kirk:  ".....Space, the final frontier. Our mission, to explore strange 
new types of lettuce, to seek out new spinach sprouts and creams . . . 
to boldy go . . . where no man has gone before . . . our quest, to 
discover the Gene's Perfect Caesar Salad"

<Text:  "Star Trek:  The Salad Years.">
<roll intro credits:  William Shatner reprising his role as James T.
Kirk...with Leonard Nimoy as Spock.  Guest Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio  
as "Ensign Mortis Horriblus.">

Kirk:  "Captain's log:  Stardate 83242.333  Our quest for Gene's 
Perfect Caesar's Salad has lead us into Klingon territory.  With it's 
two cups of fresh spinach ...  and one cup of romaine lettuce, Gene's 
Perfect Caesar's Salad would be...dangerous in the...wrong hands!"

Spock:  "To not enjoy Gene's Perfect Caesar's Salad would be most 
illogical."
Kirk:  "Checkov!  How long...before...we reach....the planet?"
Checkov: <mutters> "...why can't I ever get a good, important role on a 
show? Why does that fat self-import....I mean, 'Two hours, sir!"
Kirk:  <Gives Checkov strange look.>  "Right."
Spock:  "Captain!  Two Klingon battlecruisers off the port bow!"
Kirk:  "Scotty!  I need more power!"
Scotty <The intervening years have treated him very well.:)>: "I'd do 
it, Captain. but I canna reach the controls!"

Kirk:  "Damn!  We...must...arm...the...torpedoes..." <Looks right at 
the camera.>  "Remember...this show...is brought to you...by 
Priceline.com!  Where now... you can name your own price... on photon 
torpedoes!"

<Fade to black...fade back in to Planet Qwerty.  Kirk, Spock, Ensign 
Mortis Horriblus, Ensign Impaleum Onastick, and a few others we *know* 
will be dead by the end of this scene, stand, facing the Klingons, Paul 
Jacques, Klug and Glor.>

Kirk:  "Surrender...the...secret...to...Gene's Perfect Caesar's
Salad...right...now!"

Paul <laughs diabolically, his chin expanding like a frog's> "And whar 
will ze do abaout zit!  Only ze FRENCH could come up with ze good 
salads...Muwhahahah oui oui oui oui!"

Spock: "I advise caution, Jim.  They've got Salad Shooters and they 
know how to use 'em."
Ensign Impaleus Onastick: "I'll handle 'em sir!"  <Charges off.  Paul 
throws an underripe tomato at him, knocking the ensign down, impaling 
him on a particularly sharp blade of grass.>

<Cut to stock shot from TOS> Bones:  "He's dead, Jim."

Kirk:  "My God!  What...sort of...barbarian throws...unripe tomatoes!"
Paul:  "Muhwhahahah..you dishonorable P'TAK!  Zou cannot stadn up to ze
culinary mastery of ze FRENCH!"  <Paul shoots some hard-boiled eggs 
through his Salad Shooter at faceless Ensign #2>
Faceless Ensign #2: "Ack!  I'm allergic!  Aaaaahhhhh!!" <Dies.>

Kirk:  "But...why...do...you...wish to hide...the secret of Gene's 
Perfect Caesar's Salad?"

<Faceless Ensign #3 charges a Klingon, tripping and caving in his skull 
on a particularily firm head of lettuce the Klingon was feeding his 
Salad Shooter.  This however, has the desired effect of knocking the 
Klingon off a convenient cliff.>

Janeway <steps out of nowhere.>:  "Because, Kirk.  This show...is 
already rated higher than Voyager. And it makes much more sense."

Spock:  "Careful, Jim.  She's a creature of pure illogic."

Kirk:  "Ensign Horriblus...go, distract...Janeway!"

Ensign Mortis Horriblus:  "Yes sir!"
<Thinking for at most two or three seconds, Ensign Horriblus steps up 
to Janeway...romancing her a'la Titanic>

Janeway:  "Ooooh, Ensign, I've never wanted it so bad!  Take me, take 
me now!"
::Janeway slowly removes her uniform top, teasing it upwards...::

Ensign Horriblus:  "No...wait...no..AAAAAAAARRRGGHHH!!!!" <Leo's eyes 
explode from their sockets as he slowly turns to an ice sculpture.  
However, the ice sculpture falls on Janeway, thankfully covering 
her...and squashing her like an overripe fruit.>

Kirk:  "NOOOO!  We...cannot...keep...losing ensigns...like this."
Spock: "Most logical, we'd quickly exceed our budget."

<Trademark Trek fight scene:  Spock neck-pinches a Klingon, then knocks 
down another.  Kirk gets beat on by another Klingon before taking him 
down. Kirk looks breathlessly at the camera.>

Kirk: "This...fight...scene...brought... to you ... by 
Priceline.com...where you can... name *your* price...on gymnasiums!"

<Kirk turns to Paul> Kirk:  "Now...Paul...you...will give me...the 
secret to....Gene's Perfect Caesar's Salad."

Paul: "Muwhahahaa..never, zou P'TAK... zou vill never get ze secret 
from us FRE....AAACKKKK!!!"

<The show is abruptly pre-empted by WCW wrestling.  "Tonight:  The 
Texas Mexican Death Wrestler of Pain will be betrayed by his former 
friend The Icy Stone of Fabulously Hot Fire...Steve Irwin>

Texas Mexican Death Wrestler of Pain:  "How...could you <bleep> me like 
this!" <Hits Steve with a folding chair.>

Steve Irwin:  "Croikey!  I told you t' wotch out for that croc!"  <Uses 
a blatantly fake move to throw the Texas Mexican Death Wrestler of Pain 
into the broadcasting booth.....>

finit, heh heh.


The One, The Only:  Retired Red-Shirt Jimmy