Subject: [HUMOR] Panty Wars - Special Edition Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 17:33:57 -0700 From: "Crayz9000" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars ----------------------------------------------------------------------- PANTY WARS Episode IV A NEW POPE hacked by Crayz9000 Revised Fourth Draft January 15, 1976 PUCKASFILM LTD. ---------------------- Not so long ago, in a galaxy close to your TV... A vast sea of paparazzi serves as the backdrop for the main title. Camera shutters echo through the hall as a rollup slowly crawls into infinity... *SMASH* ... or the roof. It is a period of civil war. Chinese shipping fleets, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Microsith Empire. During the battle, Chinese spies managed to steal secret designs for the Empire's ultimate weapon, the Panty Star, an armored runway with enough power to destroy marriages across the galaxy. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Playa races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen designs that can save her people and restore anarchy to the galaxy... The awesome yellow planet of Splatooine emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons glowing against the darkness. A tiny silver spacecraft, a Chinese Blockade Runner firing lasers from the back of the ship, races through space. It is pursed by a giant Imperial Lingerie Destroyer. Hundreds of deadly blasts streak from the Imperial Lingerie Destroyer, causing the main solar fin of the Chinese craft to disintegrate. INTERIOR: CHINESE BLOCKADE RUNNER -- MAIN PASSAGEWAY. An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Peetoo-Detoo (P2-D2) and See-Fleepio (C-3PO) struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. Both robots are old and battered. Peetoo is a short, claw-armed tripod. His face is a mass of computer lights surrounding a radar eye. Fleepio, on the other hand, is a tall, slender robot of human proportions. He has a gleaming bronze-like metallic surface of an Art Deco design. Another blast shakes them as they struggle along their way. FLEEPIO: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor. We'll be destroyed for sure. This is madness! Chinese troopers rush past the robots and take up positions in the main passageway. They aim their weapons toward the door. FLEEPIO: We're doomed! The little P2 unit makes a series of electronic sounds that only another robot could understand. FLEEPIO: There'll be no escape for the Princess this time. Peetoo continues making beeping sounds. Tension mounts as loud metallic latches clank and the scream of heavy equipment are heard moving around the outside hull of the ship. FLEEPIO: What's that? EXTERIOR: SPACECRAFT IN SPACE (dur). The Imperial craft has easily overtaken the Chinese Blockade Runner. The smaller Chinese ship is being drawn into the underside dock of the giant Imperial starship. INTERIOR: Chinese BLOCKADE RUNNER. The nervous Chinese troopers aim their weapons. Suddenly a tremendous blast opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome armored spacesuited porntroopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor. In a few minutes the entire passageway is ablaze with laserfire. The deadly bolts ricochet in wild random patterns creating huge explosions. Spewtroopers scatter and duck behind storage lockers. Laserbolts hit several Chinese soldiers who scream and stagger through the smoke, holding shattered arms and faces. An explosion hits near the robots. FLEEPIO: I should have known better than to trust the logic of a half-sized thermocapsulary dehousing assister... Peetoo counters with an angry rebuttal as the battle rages around the two hapless robots. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- DESERT WASTELAND -- DAY. A death-white wasteland stretches from horizon to horizon. The tremendous heat of two huge twin suns settle on a lone figure, Puke Flyswatter, a farm boy with heroic aspirations who looks much younger than his eighteen years. His shaggy hair and baggy tunic give him the air of a simple but lovable lad with a prize-winning smile. A light wind whips at him as he adjusts several valves on a large battered moisture vaporator which sticks out of the desert floor much like an oil pipe with valves. He is aided by a beatup tread-robot with six claw arms. The little robot appears to be barely functioning and moves with jerky motions. A bright sparkle in the morning sky catches Puke's eye and he instinctively grabs a pair of electrobinoculars from his utility belt. He stands transfixed for a few moments studying the heavens, then dashed toward his dented, crudely repaired Landspeeder (an auto-like transport that travels a few feet above the ground on a magnetic-field). He motions for the tiny robot to follow him. PUKE: Hurry up! Come with me! What are you waiting for?! Get in gear! The robot scoots around in a tight circle, stops short, and smoke begins to pour out of every joint. Puke throws his arms up in disgust. Exasperated, the young farm boy jumps into his Landspeeder leaving the smoldering robot to hum madly. INTERIOR: Chinese BLOCKADE RUNNER -- MAIN HALLWAY. The awesome, seven-foot-tall Dark Lord of the Sith makes his way into the blinding light of the main passageway. This is Darth Vader, right hand of the Emperor. His face is obscured by his flowing black robes and grotesque breath mask, which stands out next to the fascist white armored suits of the Imperial porntroopers. Everyone instinctively backs away from the imposing warrior and a deathly quiet sweeps through the Chinese troops. Several of the Chinese troops break and run in a frenzied panic. INTERIOR: Chinese BLOCKADE RUNNER. A woman's hand puts a card into an opening in Peetoo's dome. Peetoo makes beeping sounds. INTERIOR: Chinese BLOCKADE RUNNER. Fleepio stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. Peetoo is nowhere in sight. The pitiful screams of the doomed Chinese soldiers can be heard in the distance. FLEEPIO: Peetoo! Peetoo-Detoo, where are you? A familiar clanking sound attacks Fleepio's attention and he spots little Peetoo at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. A beautiful young girl (about sixteen years old) stands in front of Peetoo. Surreal and out of place, dreamlike and half hidden in the smoke, she finishes adjusting something on Peetoo's computer face, then watches as the little robot joins his companion. FLEEPIO: At last! Where have you been? Spewtroopers can be heard battling in the distance. FLEEPIO: They're heading in this direction. What are we going to do? We'll be sent to the spice mine of Kessel or smashed into who knows what! Peetoo scoots past his bronze friend and races down the subhallway. Fleepio chases after him. FLEEPIO: Wait a minute, where are you going? Peetoo responds with electronic beeps. INTERIOR: Chinese BLOCKADE RUNNER -- CORRIDOR The evil Darth Vader stands amid the broken and twisted bodies of his foes. He grabs a wounded Chinese Officer by the neck as an Imperial Officer rushes up to the Dark Lord. IMPERIAL OFFICER: The Panty Star plans are not in the main computer. Vader squeezes the neck of the Chinese Officer, who struggles in vain. VADER: Where are those transmissions you intercepted? Vader lifts the Chinese off his feet by his throat. VADER: What have you done with those plans? Chinese OFFICER: We intercepted no transmissions. Aaah....This is a merchant vessel. We were on a trading mission with Taiwan. VADER: If this is a merchant ship...where are the panties? The Chinese refuses to speak but eventually cries out as the Dark Lord begins to squeeze the officer's throat, creating a gruesome snapping and choking, until the soldier goes limp. Vader tosses the dead soldier against the wall and turns to his troops. A large flood of yellow slowly spreads from the dead officer's position. VADER: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans... and the panties. And bring me the Ambassador. I want her alive! The porntroopers scurry into the subhallways. INTERIOR: Chinese BLOCKADE RUNNER -- SUBHALLWAY. The lovely young girl huddles in a small alcove as the porntroopers search through the ship. She is Princess Playa Orgasma, a member of the Taiwan Senate. The fear in her eyes slowly gives way to anger as the muted crushing sounds of the approaching porntroopers grow louder. One of the troopers spots her. TROOPER: There she is! Set for stun! Playa steps from her hiding place and blasts a trooper with her laser pistol. She starts to run but is felled by a paralyzing ray. The troopers inspect her inert body. TROOPER: She'll be all right. Inform Lord Vader we have a fetish prisoner. INTERIOR: Chinese BLOCKADE RUNNER -- SUBHALLWAY. Peetoo stops before the small hatch of an emergency lifepod. He snaps the seal on the main latch and a red warning light begins to flash. The stubby cattle-robot works his way into the cramped four-man pod. FLEEPIO: Hey, you're not permitted in there. It's restricted. You'll be deactivated for sure.. Peetoo beeps something to him. FLEEPIO: Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease! Now come out before somebody sees you. Peetoo whistles something at his reluctant friend regarding the mission he is about to perform. FLEEPIO: Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there! Peetoo isn't happy with Fleepio's stubbornness, and he beeps and twangs angrily. A new explosion, this time very close, sends dust and debris through the narrow subhallway. Flames lick at Fleepio and, after a flurry of electronic swearing from Peetoo, the lanky robot jumps into the lifepod. FLEEPIO: I'm going to regret this. INTERIOR: IMPERIAL LINGERIE DESTROYER. On the main viewscreen, the lifepod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Chinese spacecraft. CHIEF PILOT: There goes another one. CAPTAIN: Hold your fire. There are no life forms. It must have been short-circuited. INTERIOR: LIFEPOD. Peetoo and Fleepio look out at the receding Imperial starship. Stars circle as the pod rotates through the galaxy. FLEEPIO: That's funny, the damage doesn't look as bad from out here. Peetoo beeps an assuring response. FLEEPIO: Are you sure this thing's safe? EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- ANCHORHEAD SETTLEMENT -- POWER STATION -- DAY. Heat waves radiate from the dozen or so bleached white buildings. Puke pilots his Landspeeder through the dusty empty street of the tiny settlement. An old woman runs to get out of the way of the speeding vehicle, shaking her fist at Puke as he flies past. WOMAN: I've told you kids to slow down! INTERIOR: POWER STATION -- DAY. Puke bursts into the power station, waking The Fixer, a rugged mechanic and Camie, a sexy, disheveled girl who has been asleep in his lap. They grumbled as he races through the office, yelling wildly. FIXER: Did I hear a young noise blast through here? CAMIE: It was just wormie on another rampage. Puke bounces into a small room behind the office where Deak and Windy, two tough boys about the same age as Puke, are playing a computer pool-like game with Biggs, a burly, handsome boy a few years older than the rest. His flashy city attire is a sharp contrast to the loose-fitting tunics of the farm boys. A robot repairs some equipment in the background. PUKE: Shape it up you guys!.... Biggs? Puke's surprise at the appearance of Biggs gives way to great joy and emotion. They give each other a great bear hug. PUKE: I didn't know you were back! When did you get in? BIGGS: Just now. I wanted to surprise you, hot shot. I thought you'd be here...certainly didn't expect you to be out working. (he laughs.) PUKE: The Academy didn't change you much...but you're back so soon? Hey, what happened, didn't you get your commission? Biggs has an air of cool that seems slightly phony. BIGGS: Of course I got it. Signed aboard The Rand Ecliptic last week. First mate Biggs Fartlighter at your service...(he salutes)...I just came to say good-bye to all you unfortunate landlocked simpletons. Everyone laughs. The dazzling spectacle of his dashing friend is almost too much for Puke, but suddenly he snaps out of it. PUKE: I almost forgot. There's a battle going on! Right here in our system. Come and look! DEAK: Not again! Forget it. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- ANCHORHEAD -- SETTLEMENT -- POWER STATION -- DAY. The group stumbles out into the stifling desert sun. Camie and The Fixer complain and are forced to shade their eyes. Puke has his binoculars out scanning the heavens. PUKE: There they are! Biggs takes the binoculars from Puke as the others strain to see something with the naked eye. Through the binoculars Biggs sees two small silver specks. BIGGS: That's no battle, hot shot...they're just sitting there! Probably a freighter-tanker refueling. PUKE: But there was a lot of firing earlier... Camie grabs the binoculars away banging them against the building in the process. Puke grabs them. PUKE: Hey, easy with those... CAMIE: Don't worry about it, Wormie. The Fixer gives Puke a hard look and the young farm boy shrugs his shoulders in resignation. FIXER: I keep telling you, the Chinese Rebellion is a long way from here. I doubt if the Empire would even fight to keep this system. Believe me Puke, this planet is a big hunk of nothing... Puke agrees, although it's obvious he isn't sure why. The group stumbles back into the power station, grumbling about Puke's ineptitude. INTERIOR: Chinese BLOCKADE RUNNER -- HALLWAY Princess Playa is led down a low-ceilinged hallway by a squad of armored porntroopers. Her hands are bound and she is brutally shoved when she is unable to keep up with the briskly marching troops. They stop in a smoky hallway as Darth Vader emerges from the shadows. The sinister Dark Lord stares hard at the frail young senator, but she doesn't move. PLAYA: Lord Vader, I should have known. Only you could be so bold. The Imperial Senate will not sit for this, when they hear you've attacked a diplomatic... VADER: Don't play games with me, Your Highness. You weren't on any mercy mission this time. You passed directly through a restricted system. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Chinese spies. I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you. PLAYA: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a trading mission to Taiwan... VADER: You're a part of the Chinese Alliance...and a traitor. Take her away! Playa is marched away down the hallway and into the smoldering hole blasted in the side of the ship. An Imperial Commander turns to Vader. COMMANDER: Holding her is dangerous. If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the Chinese Rebellion in the senate. VADER: I have traced the Chinese spies to her. Now she is my only link to find their secret base! COMMANDER: She'll die before she tells you anything. VADER: Leave that to me. Send a distress signal and then inform the senate that all aboard were killed! Another Imperial Officer approaches Vader and the Commander. They stop and snap to attention. SECOND OFFICER: Lord Vader, the panty station plans are not aboard this ship! And no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but no life forms were aboard. Vader turns to the Commander. VADER: She must have hidden the plans in the escape pod. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander. There'll be no one to stop us this time. COMMANDER: Yes, sir. EXTERIOR: SPACE. The Imperial Lingerie Destroyer comes over the surface of the planet Splatooine. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- DESERT. Jundland, or "No Man's Land", where the rugged desert mesas meet the foreboding dune sea. The two helpless cattle-prods kick up clouds of sand as they leave the lifepod and clumsily work their way across the desert wasteland. The lifepod in the distance rests half buried in the sand. FLEEPIO: How did I get into this mess? I really don't know how. We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life. Peetoo answers with beeping sounds. FLEEPIO: I've got to rest before I fall apart. My joints are almost frozen. Peetoo continues to respond with beeping sounds. FLEEPIO: What a desolate place this is. Suddenly Peetoo whistles, makes a sharp right turn and starts off in the direction of the rocky desert mesas. Fleepio stops and yells at him. FLEEPIO: Where are you going? A stream of electronic noises pours forth from the small robot. FLEEPIO: Well, I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky. This way is much easier. Peetoo counters with a long whistle. FLEEPIO: What makes you think there are settlements over there? Peetoo continues to make beeping sounds. FLEEPIO: Don't get technical with me. Peetoo continues to make beeping sounds. FLEEPIO: What mission? What are you talking about? I've had just about enough of you! Go that way! You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted scrap pile! Fleepio gives the little robot a kick and starts off in the direction of the vast dune sea. FLEEPIO: And don't let me catch you following me begging for help, because you won't get it. Peetoo's reply is a rather rude sound. He turns and trudges off in the direction of the towering mesas. FLEEPIO: No more adventures. I'm not going that way. Peetoo beeps to himself as he makes his way toward the distant mountains. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- DUNE SEA. Fleepio, hot and tired, struggles up over the ridge of a dune; only to find more dunes, which seem to go on for endless miles. He looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas. FLEEPIO: That malfunctioning little twerp. This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better. In a huff of anger and frustration, Fleepio knocks the sand from his joints. His plight seems hopeless, when a glint of reflected light in the distance reveals an object moving towards him. FLEEPIO: Wait, what's that? A transport! I'm saved! The bronze anprod waves frantically and yells at the approaching transport. FLEEPIO: Over here! Help! Please, help! EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- ANCHORHEAD SETTLEMENT -- POWER STATION -- DAY. Puke and Biggs are walking and drinking a malt brew. Fixer and the others can be heard working inside. PUKE: (Very animated)...so I cut off my power, shut down the afterburners and came in low on Deak's trail. I was so close I thought I was going to fry my instruments. As it was I busted up the Skyhopper pretty bad. Uncle Owen was pretty upset. He grounded me for the rest of the season. You should have been there...it was fantastic. BIGGS: You ought to take it easy Puke. You may be the hottest bushpilot this side of Mos Eisley, but those little Skyhoppers are dangerous. Keep it up, and one day, whammo, you're going to be nothing more than a dark spot on the down side of a canyon wall. PUKE: Look who's talking. Now that you've been around those giant starships you're beginning to sound like my uncle. You've gotten soft in the city... BIGGS: I've missed you kid. PUKE: Well, things haven't been the same since you left, Biggs. It's been so...quiet. Biggs looks around then leans close to Puke. BIGGS: Puke, I didn't come back just to say good-bye...I shouldn't tell you this, but you're the only one I can trust...and if I don't come back, I want somebody to know. Puke's eyes are wide with Biggs' seriousness and loyalty. PUKE: What are you talking about? BIGGS: I made some friends at the Academy. (he whispers)...when our frigate goes to one of the central systems, we're going to jump ship and join the Alliance... Puke, amazed and stunned, is almost speechless. PUKE: Join the Chinese Rebellion?! Are you kidding! How? BIGGS: Quiet down will ya! You got a mouth bigger than a meteor crater! PUKE: I'm sorry. I'm quiet. (he whispers) Listen how quiet I am. You can barely hear me... Biggs shakes his head angrily and then continues. BIGGS: My friend has a friend on Bestine who might help us make contact. PUKE: Your crazy! You could wander around forever trying to find them. BIGGS: I know it's a long shot, but if I don't find them I'll do what I can on my own...It's what we always talked about. Puke, I'm not going to wait for the Empire to draft me into service. The Chinese Rebellion is spreading and I want to be on the right side -- the side I believe in. PUKE: And I'm stuck here... BIGGS: I thought you were going to the Academy next term. You'll get your chance to get off this rock. PUKE: Not likely! I had to cancel my application. There has been a lot of unrest among the Sandpeople since you left...they've even raided the outskirts of Anchorhead. BIGGS: Your uncle could hold off a whole colony of Sandpeople with one blaster. PUKE: I know, but he's got enough vibrators going to make the place pay off. He needs me for just one more season. I can't leave him now. BIGGS: I feel for you, Puke, you're going to have to learn what seems to be important or what really is important. What good is all your uncle's work if it's taken over by the Empire?...You know they're starting to nationalize commerce in the central systems...it won't be long before your uncle is merely a tenant, slaving for the greater glory of the Empire. PUKE: It couldn't happen here. You said it yourself. The Empire won't bother with this rock. BIGGS: Things always change. PUKE: I wish I was going...Are you going to be around long? BIGGS: No, I'm leaving in the morning... PUKE: Then I guess I won't see you. BIGGS: Maybe someday...I'll keep a lookout. PUKE: Well, I'll be at the Academy next season...after that who knows. I won't be drafted into the Imperial Starfleet that's for sure...Take care of yourself, you'll always be the best friend I've got. BIGGS: So long, Puke. Biggs turns away from his old friend and heads towards the power station. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- ROCK CANYON -- SUNSET. The gargantuan rock formations are shrouded in a strange foreboding mist and the onimous sounds of unearthly creatures fill the air. Peetoo moves cautiously through the creepy rock canyon, inadvertently making a loud clicking noise as he goes. He hears a distant, hard, metallic sound and stops for a moment. Convinced he is alone, he continues on his way. In the distance, a pepple tumbles down the steep canyon wall and a small dark figure darts into the shadows. A little further up the canyon a slight flicker of light reveals a pair of eyes in the dark recesses only a few feet from the narrow path. The unsuspecting robot waddles along the rugged trail until suddenly, out of nowhere, a powerful magnetic ray shoots out of the rocks and engulfs him in an eerie glow. He manages one short electronic squeak before he topples over onto his back. His bright computer lights flicker off, then on, then off again. Out of the rocks scurry three Pawers, no taller than Peetoo. They holster strange and complex weapons as they cautiously approach the robot. They wear grubby cloaks and their faces are shrouded so only their glowing eyes can be seen. They hiss and make odd guttural sounds as they heave the heavy robot onto their shoulders and carry him off down the trail. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- ROCK CANYON -- SANDCRAWLER -- SUNSET. The eight Pawers carry Peetoo out of the canyon to a huge tank-like vehicle the size of a four-story house. They weld a small disk on the side of Peetoo and then put him under a large tube on the side of the vehicle and the little robot is sucked into the giant machine. The filthy little Pawers scurry like rats up small ladders and enter the main cabin of the behemoth transport. INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER -- HOLD AREA. It is dim inside the hold area of the Sandcrawler. Peetoo switches on a small floodlight on his forehead and stumbles around the scrap heap. The narrow beam swings across rusty metal rocket parts and an array of grotesquely twisted and maimed cattle-robots. He lets out a pathetic electronic whimper and stumbles off toward what appears to be a door at the end of the chamber. INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER -- PRISON AREA. Peetoo enters a wide room with a four-foot ceiling. In the middle of the scrap heap sit a dozen or so robots of various shapes and sizes. Some are engaged in electronic conversation, while others simply mill about. A voice of recognition calls out from the gloom. FLEEPIO: Peetoo-Detoo! It's you! It's you! A battered Fleepio scrambles up to Peetoo and embraces him. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- ROCK CANYON -- SANDCRAWLER -- SUNSET. The enormous Sandcrawler lumbers off toward the magnificent twin suns, which are slowly setting over a distant mountain ridge. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- DESERT -- DAY. Four Imperial porntroopers mill about in front of the half- buried lifepod that brought Peetoo and Fleepio to Splatooine. A trooper yells to an officer some distance away. FIRST TROOPER: Someone was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction. A second trooper picks a small bit of metal out of the sand and gives it to the first trooper. SECOND TROOPER: Look, sir -- prods. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- DUNES. The Sandcrawler moves slowly down a great sand dune. INTERIOR: SANDCRAWLER. Fleepio and Peetoo noisily bounce along inside the cramped prison chamber. Peetoo appears to be shut off. FLEEPIO: Wake up! Wake up! Suddenly the shaking and bouncing of the Sandcrawler stops, creating quite a commotion among the mechanical men. Fleepio's fist bangs the head of Peetoo whose computer lights pop on as he begins beeping. At the far end of the long chamber a hatch opens, filling the chamber with blinding white light. a dozen or so Pawers make their way through the odd assortment of robots. FLEEPIO: We're doomed. A Pawer starts moving toward them. FLEEPIO: Do you think they'll melt us down? Peetoo responds, making beeping sounds. FLEEPIO: Don't shoot! Don't shoot! Will this never end? EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- DESERT -- LARS HOMESTEAD -- AFTERNOON. The Pawers mutter gibberish as they busily line up their battered captives, including Peetoo and Fleepio, in front of the enormous Sandcrawler, which is parked beside a small homestead consisting of three large holes in the ground surrounded by several tall moisture vibrators and one small adobe block house. The Pawers scurry around fussing over the robots, straightening them up or brushing some dust from a dented metallic elbow. The shrouded little creatures smell horribly, attracting small insects to the dark areas when their mouths and nostrils should be. Out of the shadows of a dingy side-building limps Owen Lars, a large burly man in his mid-fifties. His reddish eyes are sunken in a dust-covered face. As the farmer carefully inspects each robot, he is closely followed by his slump- shouldered nephew, Puke Flyswatter. One of the vile little Pawers walks ahead of the farmer spouting an animated sales pitch in a queer, unintelligible language. A voice calls out from one of the huge holes that form the homestead. Puke goes over to the edge and sees his Aunt Beru standing in the main courtyard. BERU: Puke, tell Owen that if he gets a translator to be sure it speaks Scratchy. PUKE: It looks like we don't have much of a choice but I'll remind him. Puke returns to his uncle as they look over the equipment for sale with the Pawer leader. OWEN: I have no need for a protocol prod. FLEEPIO: (quickly) Sir -- not in an environment such as this -- that's why I've also been programmed for over thirty secondary functions that... OWEN: What I really need is a prod that understands the binary language of moisture vibrators. FLEEPIO: Vibrators! Sir -- My first job was programming automated fleep-dowzits...very similar to your vibrators. You could say... OWEN: Do you speak Scratchy? FLEEPIO: Of course I can, sir. It's like a second language for me...I'm as fluent in Scratchy... OWEN: All right shut up! (turning to Pawer) I'll take this one. FLEEPIO: Shutting up, sir. OWEN: Puke, take these two over to the garage, will you? I want you to have both of them cleaned up before dinner. PUKE: But I was going into Toshi Station to pick up some power converters... OWEN: You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done. Now come on, get to it! PUKE: All right, come on! And the red one, come on. Well, come on, Red, let's go. As the Pawers start to lead the three remaining robots back into the Sandcrawler, Peetoo lets out a pathetic little beep and starts after his old friend Fleepio. He is restrained by a slimy Pawer, who zaps him with a control box. Owen is negotiating with the head Pawer. Puke and the two robots start off for the garage when a plate pops off the head of the red cattle-prod's head plate and it sparks wildly. PUKE: Uncle Owen... OWEN: Yeah? PUKE: This P2 unit has a bad motivator. Look! OWEN: (to the head Pawer) Hey, what're you trying to push on us? The Pawer goes into a loud spiel. Meanwhile, Peetoo has sneaked out of line and is moving up and down trying to attract attention. He lets out with a low whistle. Fleepio taps Puke on the shoulder. FLEEPIO: (pointing to Peetoo) Excuse me, sir, but that P2 unit is in prime condition. A real bargain. PUKE: Uncle Owen... OWEN: Yeah? PUKE: What about that one? OWEN: (to Pawer) What about that blue one? We'll take that one. With a little reluctance the scruffy dwarf trades the damaged cattle-prod for Peetoo. PUKE: Yeah, take it away. FLEEPIO: Uh, I'm quite sure you'll be very pleased with that one, sir. He really is in first-class condition. I've worked with him before. Here he comes. Owen pays off the whining Pawer as Puke and the two robots trudge off toward a grimy homestead entry. PUKE: Okay, let's go. FLEEPIO: (to Peetoo) Now, don't you forget this! Why I should stick my dick out for you is quite beyond my capacity! INTERIOR: LARS HOMESTEAD -- GARAGE AREA -- LATE AFTERNOON. The garage is cluttered and worn, but a friendly peaceful atmosphere permeates the low grey chamber. Fleepio lowers himself into a large, bubbling tub filled with warm oil. Near the battered Landspeeder little Peetoo rests on a large battery with a cord to his face. FLEEPIO: Thank the maker! This oil bath is going to feel so good. I've got such a bad case of dust contamination, I can barely move! Peetoo beeps a muffled reply. Puke seems to be lost in thought as he runs his hand over the damaged fin of a small two-man Skyhopper spaceship resting in a low hangar off the garage. Finally Puke's frustrations get the better of him and he slams a wrench across the workbench. PUKE: It just isn't fair. Oh, Biggs is right. I'm never gonna get out of here! FLEEPIO: Is there anything I might do to help? Puke glances at the battered robot. A bit of his anger drains and a tiny smile creeps across his face. PUKE: Well, not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest, or teleport me off this rock! FLEEPIO: I don't think so, sir. I'm only a prod and not very knowledgeable about such things. Not on this planet, anyways. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure which planet I'm on. PUKE: Well, if there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from. FLEEPIO: I see, Sir. PUKE: Uh, you can call me Puke. FLEEPIO: I see, Sir Puke. PUKE: (laughing) Just Puke. FLEEPIO: And I am See-Fleepio, human-cyborg relations, and this is my counterpart, Peetoo-Detoo. PUKE: Hello. Peetoo beeps in response. Puke unplugs Peetoo and begins to scrape several connectors on the robot's head with a chrome pick. Fleepio climbs out of the oil tub and begins wiping oil from his bronze body. PUKE: You got a lot of carbon scoring here. It looks like you boys have seen a lot of action. FLEEPIO: With all we've been through, sometimes I'm amazed we're in as good condition as we are, what with the Chinese Rebellion and all. PUKE: You know of the Chinese Rebellion against the Empire? FLEEPIO: That's how we came to be in your service, if you take my meaning, sir. PUKE: Have you been in many battles? FLEEPIO: Several, I think. Actually, there's not much to tell. I'm not much more than an interpreter, and not very good at telling stories. Well, not at making them interesting, anyways. Puke struggles to remove a small metal fragment from Peetoo's neck joint. He uses a larger pick. PUKE: Well, my little friend, you've got something jammed in here real good. Were you on a cruiser or... The fragment breaks loose with a snap, sending Puke tumbling head over heels. He sits up and sees a twelve-inch three-dimensional hologram of Playa Orgasma, the Chinese senator, being projected from the face of little Peetoo. The image is a rainbow of colors as it flickers and jiggles in the dimly lit garage. Puke's mouth hangs open in awe. PLAYA: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. PUKE: What's this? Peetoo looks around and sheepishly beeps an answer for Fleepio to translate. Playa continues to repeat the sentence fragment over and over. FLEEPIO: What is what?!? He asked you a question...(pointing to Playa) What is that? Peetoo whistles his surprise as he pretends to just notice the hologram. He looks around and sheepishly beeps an answer for Fleepio to translate. Playa continues to repeat the sentence fragment over and over. PLAYA: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. FLEEPIO: Oh, he says it's nothing, sir. Merely a malfunction. Old data. Pay it no mind. Puke becomes intrigued by the beautiful girl. PUKE: Who is she? She's beautiful. FLEEPIO: I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sir. PLAYA: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi... FLEEPIO: I think she was a passenger on our last voyage. A person of some importance, sir -- I believe. Our captain was attached to... PUKE: Is there more to this recording? Puke reaches out for Peetoo but he lets out several frantic squeaks and a whistle. FLEEPIO: Behave yourself, Peetoo. You're going to get us in trouble. It's all right, you can trust him. He's our new master. Peetoo whistles and beeps a long message to Fleepio. FLEEPIO: He says he's the property of Obi-Wan Kenobi, a resident of these parts. And it's a private message for him. Quite frankly, sir I don't know what he's talking about. Our last master was Captain Antilles, but with what we've been through, this little P2 unit has become a bit eccentric. PUKE: Obi-Wan Kenobi? I wonder if he means old Ben Kenobi? FLEEPIO: I beg your pardon, sir, but do you know what he's talking about? PUKE: Well, I don't know anyone named Obi-Wan, but old Ben lives out beyond the dune sea. He's kind of a strange old hermit. Puke's gazes at the beautiful young princess for a few moments. PUKE: I wonder who she is. It sounds like she's in trouble. I'd better play back the whole thing. Peetoo beeps something to Fleepio. FLEEPIO: He says the restraining bolt has short circuited his recording system. He suggests that if you remove the bolt, he might be able to play back the entire recording. Puke looks longingly at the lovely, little princess and hasn't really heard what Fleepio has been saying. PUKE: H'm? Oh, yeah, well, I guess you're too small to run away on me if I take this off! Okay. Puke takes a wedged bar and pops the restraining bolt off Peetoo's side. PUKE: There you go. The princess immediately disappears... PUKE: Well, wait a minute. Where'd she go? Bring her back! Play back the entire message. Peetoo beeps an innocent reply as Fleepio sits up in embarrassment. FLEEPIO: What message? The one you're carrying inside your rusty innards! A women's voice calls out from another room. AUNT BERU: Puke? Puke! Come to dinner! Puke stands up and shakes his head at the malfunctioning robot. PUKE: All right, I'll be right there, Aunt Beru. FLEEPIO: I'm sorry, sir, but he appears to have picked up a slight flutter. Puke tosses Peetoo's restraining bolt on the workbench and hurries out of the room. PUKE: Well, see what you can do with him. I'll be right back. FLEEPIO: (to Peetoo) Just you reconsider playing that message for him. Peetoo beeps in response. FLEEPIO: No, I don't think he likes you at all. Peetoo beeps. FLEEPIO: No, I don't like you either. INTERIOR: LARS HOMESTEAD -- DINING AREA. Puke's Aunt Beru, a warm, motherly woman, fills a pitcher with blue fluid from a refrigerated container in the well-used kitchen. She puts the pitcher on a tray with some bowls of food and starts for the dining area. Puke sits with his Uncle Owen before a table covered with steaming bowls of food as Aunt Beru carries in a bowl of red grain. PUKE: You know, I think that P2 unit we bought might have been stolen. OWEN: What makes you think that? PUKE: Well, I stumbled across a recording while I was cleaning him. He says he belongs to someone called Obi-Wan Kenobi. Owen is greatly alarmed at the mention of his name, but manages to control himself. PUKE: I thought he might have meant old Ben. Do you know what he's talking about? Well, I wonder if he's related to Ben. Owen breaks loose with a fit of uncontrolled anger. OWEN: That old man's just a crazy old wizard. Tomorrow I want you to take that P2 unit into Anchorhead and have its memory flushed. That'll be the end of it. It belongs to us now. PUKE: But what if this Obi-Wan comes looking for him? OWEN: He won't, I don't think he exists any more. He died about the same time as your father. PUKE: He knew my father? OWEN: I told you to forget it. Your only concern is to prepare the new prods for tomorrow. In the morning I want them on the south ridge working out those condensers. PUKE: Yes, sir. I think those new prods are going to work out fine. In fact, I, uh, was also thinking about our agreement about my staying on another season. And if these new prods do work out, I want to transmit my application to the Academy this year. Owen's face becomes a scowl, although he tries to suppress it. OWEN: You mean the next semester before harvest? PUKE: Sure, there're more than enough prods. OWEN: Harvest is when I need you the most. Only one more season. This year we'll make enough on the harvest so I'll be able to hire some more hands. And then you can go to the Academy next year. Puke continues to toy with his food, not looking at his uncle. OWEN: You must understand I need you here, Puke. PUKE: But it's a whole 'nother year. OWEN: Look, it's only one more season. Puke pushes his half-eaten plate of food aside and stands. PUKE: Yeah, that's what you said last year when Biggs and Tank left. AUNT BERU: Where are you going? PUKE: It looks like I'm going nowhere. I have to finish cleaning those prods. Resigned to his fate, Puke paddles out of the room. Owen mechanically finishes his dinner. AUNT BERU: Owen, he can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have gone. It means so much to him. OWEN: I'll make it up to him next year. I promise. AUNT BERU: Puke's just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him. OWEN: That's what I'm afraid of. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- LARS HOMESTEAD. The giant twin suns of Splatooine slowly disappear behind a distant dune range. Puke stands watching them for a few moments, then reluctantly enters the doomed entrance to the homestead. INTERIOR: LARS HOMESTEAD -- GARAGE. Puke enters the garage to discover the robots nowhere in sight. He takes a small control box from his utility belt similar to the one the Pawers were carrying. He activates the box, which creates a low hum, and Fleepio, letting out a short yell, pops up from behind the Skyhopper spaceship. PUKE: What are you doing hiding there? Fleepio stumbles forward, but Peetoo is still nowhere in sight. FLEEPIO: It wasn't my fault, sir. Please don't deactivate me. I told him not to go, but he's faulty, malfunctioning; kept babbling on about his mission. PUKE: Oh, no! Puke races out of the garage followed by Fleepio. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- LARS HOMESTEAD. Puke rushes out of the small doomed entry to the homestead and searches the darkening horizon for the small triped cattle- robot. Fleepio struggles out of the homestead and on the salt flat as Puke scans the landscape with his electrobinoculars. FLEEPIO: That P2 unit has always been a problem. These cattle-prods are getting quite out of hand. Even I can't understand their logic at times. PUKE: How could I be so stupid? He's nowhere in sight. Blast it! FLEEPIO: Pardon me, sir, but couldn't we go after him? PUKE: It's too dangerous with all the Sandpeople around. We'll have to wait until morning. Owen yells up from the homestead plaza. OWEN: Puke, I'm shutting the power down for the night. PUKE: All right, I'll be there in a few minutes. Boy, am I gonna get it. He takes one final look across the dim horizon. PUKE: You know that little prod is going to cause me a lot of trouble. FLEEPIO: Oh, he excels at that, sir. INTERIOR: LARS HOMESTEAD -- PLAZA. Morning slowly creeps into the sparse but sparkling oasis of the open courtyard. The idyll is broken be the yelling of Uncle Owen, his voice echoing throughout the homestead. OWEN: Puke? Puke? Puke? Where could he be loafing now! INTERIOR: LARS HOMESTEAD -- KITCHEN. The interior of the kitchen is a worm glow as Aunt Beru prepares the morning breakfast. Owen enters in a huff. OWEN: Have you seen Puke this morning? AUNT BERU: He said he had some things to do before he started today, so he left early. OWEN: Uh? Did he take those two new prods with him? AUNT BERU: I think so. OWEN: Well, he'd better have those units in the south range repaired be midday or there'll be hell to pay! EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- DESERT WASTELAND -- PUKE'S SPEEDER -- DAY. The rock and sand of the desert floor are a blur as Fleepio pilots the sleek Landspeeder gracefully across the vast wasteland. INTERIOR/EXTERIOR: PUKE'S SPEEDER -- DESERT WASTELAND -- TRAVELING -- DAY. Puke leans over the back of the speeder and adjusts something in the motor compartment. PUKE: (yelling) How's that. Fleepio signals that is fine and Puke turns back into the wind-whipped cockpit and pops the canopy shut. PUKE: Old Ben Kenobi lives out in this direction somewhere, but I don't see how that P2 unit could have come this far. We must have missed him. Uncle Owen isn't going to take this very well. FLEEPIO: Sir, would it help if you told him it was my fault. PUKE: (brightening) Sure. He needs you. He'd probably only deactivate you for a day or so... FLEEPIO: Deactivate! Well, on the other hand if you hadn't removed his restraining bolt... PUKE: Wait, there's something dead ahead on the scanner. It looks like our prod...hit the accelerator. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- ROCK MESA -- DUNE SEA -- COASTLINE -- DAY. From high on a rock mesa, the tiny Landspeeder can be seen gliding across the desert floor. Suddenly in the foreground two weather-beaten Sandpeople shrouded in their grimy desert cloaks peer over the edge of the rock mesa. One of the marginally human creatures raises a long ominous laser rifle and points it at the speeder but the second creature grabs the gun before it can be fired. The Sandpeople, or Tusken Raiders as they're sometimes called, speak in a coarse barbaric language as they get into an animated argument. The second Tusken Raider seems to get in the final word and the nomads scurry over the rocky terrain. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- ROCK MESA -- CANYON. The Tusken Raider approaches two large Berthas standing tied to a rock. The monstrous, bear-like creatures are as large as elephants, with huge red eyes, tremendous looped horns, and long, furry, dinosaur-like tails. The Tusken Raiders mount saddles strapped to the huge creatures' shaggy backs and ride off down the rugged bluff. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- ROCK CANYON -- FLOOR. The speeder is parked on the floor of a massive canyon. Puke, with his long laser rifle slung over his shoulder, stands before little Peetoo. PUKE: Hey, whoa, just where do you think you're going? The little prod whistles a feeble reply, as Fleepio poses menacingly behind the little runaway. FLEEPIO: Master Puke here is your rightful owner. We'll have no more of this Obi-Wan Kenobi jibberish...and don't talk to me about your mission, either. You're fortunate he doesn't blast you into a million pieces right here. PUKE: Well, come on. It's getting late. I only hope we can get back before Uncle Owen really blows up. FLEEPIO: If you don't mind my saying so, sir, I think you should deactivate the little fugitive until you've gotten him back to your workshop. PUKE: No, he's not going to try anything. Suddenly the little robot jumps to life with a mass of frantic whistles and screams. PUKE: What's wrong with him now? FLEEPIO: Oh my...sir, he says there are several creatures approaching from the southeast. Puke swings his rifle into position and looks to the south. PUKE: Sandpeople! Or worst! Come on, let's have a look. Come on. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- ROCK CANYON -- RIDGE -- DAY. Puke carefully makes his way to the top of a rock ridge and scans the canyon with his electrobinoculars. He spots the two riderless Berthas. Fleepio struggles up behind the young adventurer. PUKE: There are two Berthas down there but I don't see any...wait a second, they're Sandpeople all right. I can see one of them now. Puke watches the distant Tusken Raider through his electrobinoculars. Suddenly something huge moves in front of his field of view. Before Puke or Fleepio can react, a large, gruesome Tusken Raider looms over them. Fleepio is startled and backs away, right off the side if the cliff. He can be heard for several moments as he clangs, bangs and rattles down the side of the mountain. The towering creature brings down his curved, double-pointed gaderffii -- the dreaded axe blade that has struck terror in the heart of the local settlers. But Puke manages to block the blow with his laser rifle, which is smashed to pieces. The terrified farm boy scrambles backward until he is forced to the edge of a deep crevice. The sinister Raider stands over him with his weapon raised and lets out a horrible shrieking laugh. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- ROCK CANYON -- FLOOR -- DAY. Peetoo forces himself into the shadows of a small alcove in the rocks as the vicious Sandpeople walk past carrying the inert Puke Flyswatter, who is dropped in a heap before the speeder. The Sandpeople ransack the speeder, throwing parts and supplies in all directions. Suddenly they stop. Then everything is quiet for a few moments. A great howling moan is heard echoing throughout the canyon which sends the Sandpeople fleeing in terror. Peetoo moves even tighter into the shadows as the slight swishing sound that frightened off the Sandpeople grows even closer, until a shabby old desert-rat-of-a-man appears and leans over Puke. His ancient leathery face, cracked and weathered by exotic climates is set off by dark, penetrating eyes and a scraggly white beard. Ben Kenobi squints his eyes as he scrutinizes the unconscious farm boy. Peetoo makes a slight sound and Ben turns and looks right at him. BEN: Hello there! Come here my little friend. Don't be afraid. Peetoo waddles over to were Puke lies crumpled in a heap and begins to whistle and beep his concern. Ben puts his hand on Puke's forehead and he begins to come around. BEN: Don't worry, he'll be all right. PUKE: What happened? BEN: Rest easy, son, you've had a busy day. You're fortunate you're still in one piece. PUKE: Ben? Ben Kenobi! Boy, am I glad to see you! BEN: The Jundland wastes are not to be traveled lightly. Tell me young Puke, what brings you out this far? PUKE: Oh, this little prod! I think he's searching for his former master...I've never seen such devotion in a prod before...there seems to be no stopping him. He claims to be the property of an Obi- Wan Kenobi. Is he a relative of yours? Do you know who he's talking about? Ben ponders this for a moment, scratching his scruffy beard. BEN: Obi-Wan Kenobi...Obi-Wan? Now thats a name I haven't heard in a long time...a long time. PUKE: I think my uncle knew him. He said he was dead. BEN: Oh, he's not dead, not...not yet. PUKE: You know him! BEN: Well of course, of course I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by the name Obi-Wan since oh, before you were born. PUKE: Then the prod does belong to you. BEN: Don't seem to remember ever owning a prod. Very interesting... He suddenly looks up at the overhanging cliffs. BEN: I think we better get indoors. The Sandpeople are easily startled but they will soon be back and in greater numbers. Puke sits up and rubs his head. Peetoo lets out a pathetic beep causing Puke to remember something. He looks around. PUKE: Fleepio! EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- SAND PIT -- ROCK MESA -- DAY. Little Peetoo stands at the edge of a large sand pit and begins to chatter away in electronic whistles and beeps. Puke and Ben stand over a very dented and tangled Fleepio lying half buried in the sand. One of his arms has broken off. Puke tries to revive the inert robot by shaking him and then flips a hidden switch on his back several times until finally the mechanical man's systems turn on. FLEEPIO: Where am I? I must have taken a bad step... PUKE: Can you stand? We've got to get out of here before the Sandpeople return. FLEEPIO: I don't think I can make it. You go on, Master Puke. There's no sense in you risking yourself on my account. I'm done for. Peetoo makes a beeping sound. PUKE: No, you're not. What kind of talk is that? Puke and Ben help the battered robot to his feet. Little Peetoo watches from the top of the pit. Ben glances around suspiciously. Sensing something, he stands up and sniffs the air. BEN: Quickly, son...they're on the move. INTERIOR: KENOBI'S DWELLING. The small, spartan hovel is cluttered with desert junk but still manages to radiate an air of time-worn comfort and security. Puke is in one corner repairing Fleepio's arm, as old Ben sits thinking. PUKE: No, my father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a spice freighter. BEN: That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. Thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved. PUKE: You fought in the Clone Wars? BEN: Yes, I was once a Pedo Knight the same as your father. PUKE: I wish I'd known him. BEN: He was the best star-pilot in the galaxy, and a cunning warrior. I understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself. And he was a good friend. Which reminds me... Ben gets up and goes to a chest where he rummages around. As Puke finishes repairing Fleepio and starts to fit the restraining bolt back on, Fleepio looks at him nervously. Puke thinks about the bolt for a moment then puts it on the table. Ben shuffles up and presents Puke with a short handle with several electronic gadgets attached to it. BEN: I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it. He feared you might follow old Obi-Wan on some damned-fool idealistic crusade like your father did. FLEEPIO: Sir, if you'll not be needing me, I'll close down for awhile. PUKE: Sure, go ahead. Ben hands Puke the saber. PUKE: What is it? BEN: Your father's lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Pedo Knight. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster. Puke pushes a button on the handle. A long beam shoots out about four feet and flickers there. The light plays across the ceiling. BEN: An elegant weapon for a more civilized time. For over a thousand generations the Pedo Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before the Empire. Puke hasn't really been listening. PUKE: How did my father die? BEN: A young Pedo named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Pedo Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Pedo are all but extinct. Vader was seduced by the dark side of the Porn. PUKE: The Porn? BEN: Well, the Porn is what gives a Pedo his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together. Peetoo makes beeping sounds. BEN: Now, let's see if we can't figure out what you are, my little friend. And where you come from. PUKE: I saw part of the message he was... Puke is cut short as the recorded image of the beautiful young Chinese princess is projected from Peetoo's face. BEN: I seem to have found it. Puke stops his work as the lovely girl's image flickers before his eyes. PLAYA: General Kenobi, years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Taiwan has failed. I have placed information vital to the survival of the Chinese Rebellion into the memory systems of this P2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this prod safely delivered to him on Taiwan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. There is a little static and the transmission is cut short. Old Ben leans back and scratches his head. He silently puffs on a tarnished chrome water pipe. Puke has stars in his eyes. BEN: You must learn the ways of the Porn if you're to come with me to Taiwan. PUKE: (laughing) Taiwan? I'm not going to Taiwan. I've got to go home. It's late, I'm in for it as it is. BEN: I need your help, Puke. She needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing. PUKE: I can't get involved! I've got work to do! It's not that I like the Empire. I hate it! But there's nothing I can do about it right now. It's such a long way from here. BEN: That's your uncle talking. PUKE: (sighing) Oh, God, my uncle. How am I ever going to explain this? BEN: Learn about the Porn, Puke. PUKE: Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead. You can get a transport there to Mos Eisley or wherever you're going. BEN: You must do what you feel is right, of course. EXTERIOR: SPACE. An Imperial Lingerie Destroyer heads toward the evil planet- like runway: the Panty Star! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- CONFERENCE ROOM. Eight Imperial senators and generals sit around a black conference table. Imperial porntroopers stand guard around the room. Commander Tagge, a young, slimy-looking general, is speaking. TAGGE: Until this runway is fully operational we are vulnerable. The Chinese Alliance is too well equipped. They're more dangerous than you realize. The bitter Admiral Motti twists nervously in his chair. MOTTI: Dangerous to your Designer Fleet, Commander, not to this runway! TAGGE: The Chinese Rebellion will continue to gain a support in the fashion industry as long as.... Suddenly all heads turn as Commander Tagge's speech is cut short and the Grand Moff Tarkin, governor of the Imperial outland regions, enters. He is followed by his powerful ally, The Sith Lord, Darth Vader. All of the generals stand and bow before the thin, evil-looking governor as he takes his place at the head of the table. The Dark Lord stands behind him. TARKIN: The Fashion Industry will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that Emperor Gates has dissolved the industry permanently. The last remnants of the commercial republic have been swept away. TAGGE: That's impossible! How will the Emperor maintain control without the pundits? TARKIN: The regional designers now have direct control over territories. Lust will keep the local systems in line... lust for this lingerie. TAGGE: And what of the Chinese Rebellion? If the Chinese have obtained the initial sketches of our coming lineup, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness... and expose it. VADER: The sketches you refer to will soon be back in our hands. MOTTI: Any attack made by the Chinese against this station will be futile. This battle... um, runway, is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it! VADER: Don't be too proud of this technological marvel you've created. The ability to captivate shoppers is insignificant next to the power of a good chick flick. MOTTI: Don't try to frighten us with your soothsayer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient porn has not helped you conjure up the stolen goods, nor has it given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden manufacturing... Suddenly Motti chokes and starts to turn blue under Vader's spell. VADER: I find your lack of faith... disturbing. TARKIN: Enough of this! Vader, release him! VADER: As you wish. TARKIN: This bickering is pointless. Lord Vader will provide us with the location of the Chinese facility by the time this station is operational. We will then crush the Chinese Rebellion with one swift stroke. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- WASTELAND. The speeder stops before what remains of the huge Pawers Sandcrawler. Puke and Ben walk among the smoldering rubble and scattered bodies. PUKE: It looks like Sandpeople did this, all right. Look, here are Gaffer sticks, Bertha tracks. It's just...I never heard of them hitting anything this big before. Ben is crouching in the sand studying the tracks. BEN: They didn't. But we are meant to think they did. These tracks are side by side. Sandpeople always ride single file to hide there numbers. PUKE: These are the same Pawers that sold us Peetoo and Fleepio. BEN: And these blast points, too accurate for Sandpeople. Only Imperial porntroopers are so precise. PUKE: Why would Imperial troops want to slaughter Pawers? Puke looks back at the speeder where Peetoo and Fleepio are inspecting the dead Pawers, and put two and two together. PUKE: If they traced the robots here, they may have learned who they sold them to. And that would lead them home! Puke reaches a sudden horrible realization, then races for the speeder and jumps it. BEN: Wait, Puke! It's too dangerous. Puke races off leaving Ben and the two robots alone with the burning Sandcrawler. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- WASTELAND. Puke races across the wasteland in his battered Landspeeder. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- LARS HOMESTEAD. The speeder roars up to the burning homestead. Puke jumps out and runs to the smoking holes that were once his home. Debris is scattered everywhere and it looks as if a great battle has taken place. PUKE: Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru! Uncle Owen! Puke stumbles around in a daze looking for his aunt and uncle. Suddenly he comes upon their smoldering remains. He is stunned, and cannot speak. Hate replaces fear and a new resolve comes over him. EXTERIOR: SPACE. Imperial Trojan condom races toward the Panty Star. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- DETENTION CORRIDOR. Two porntroopers open an electronic cell door and allow several Imperial guards to enter. Princess Playa's face is filled with defiance, which slowly gives way to fear as a giant black torture robot enters, followed by Darth Vader. VADER: And, now Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden Chinese goodness. The torture robot gives off a steady beeping sound as it approaches Princess Playa and extends one of its mechanical arms bearing a large hypodermic needle. The door slides shut and the long cell block hallway appears peaceful. The muffled screams of the Chinese princess are barely heard. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- WASTELAND. There is a large bonfire of Pawer bodies blazing in front of the Sandcrawler as Ben and the robots finish burning the dead. Puke drives up in the speeder and Ben walks over to him. BEN: There's nothing you could have done, Puke, had you been there. You'd have been killed, too, and the prods would be in the hands of the Empire. PUKE: I want to come with you to Taiwan. There's nothing here for me now. I want to learn the ways of the Porn and become a Pedo like my father. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- WASTELAND. The Landspeeder with Puke, Peetoo, Fleepio, and Ben in it zooms across the desert. The speeder stops on a bluff overlooking the spaceport at Mos Eisley. It is a haphazard array of low, grey, concrete structures and semi-domes. A harsh gale blows across the stark canyon floor. Puke adjusts his goggles and walks to the edge of the craggy bluff where Ben is standing. BEN: Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious. Ben looks over at Puke, who gives the old Pedo a determined smile. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- MOS EISLEY -- STREET. The speeder is stopped on a crowded street by several combat-hardend porntroopers who look over the two robots. A Trooper questions Puke. TROOPER: How long have you had these prods? PUKE: About three or four seasons. BEN: They're for sale if you want them. TROOPER: Let me see your identification. Puke becomes very nervous as he fumbles to find his ID while Ben speaks to the Trooper in a very controlled voice, and displays a large picture. BEN: You don't need to see his identification. TROOPER: We don't need to see his identification. BEN: These are not the prods your looking for. TROOPER: These are not the prods we're looking for. BEN: He can go about his business. TROOPER: You can go about your business. BEN: (to Puke) Move along. TROOPER: Move along. Move along. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- MOS EISLEY -- STREET. The speeder pulls up in front of a rundown blockhouse cantina on the underskirts of the spaceport. Various strange forms of transport, including several unusual beasts of burden, are parked outside the bar. A Pawer runs up and begins to fondle the speeder. FLEEPIO: I can't abide these Pawers. Disgusting creatures. As Puke gets out of the speeder he tries to shoo the Pawer away. PUKE: Go on, go on. I can't understand how we got by those troopers. I thought we were dead. BEN: The Porn can have a strong influence on the weak-minded. You will find it a powerful ally. PUKE: Do you really think we're going to find a pilot here that'll take us to Taiwan? BEN: Well, most of the best freighter pilots can be found here. Only watch your step. This place can be a little rough. PUKE: I'm ready for anything. FLEEPIO: Come along, Peetoo. INTERIOR: Splatooine -- MOS EISLEY -- CANTINA. The young adventurer and his two mechanical servants follow Ben Kenobi into the smoke-filled cantina. The murky, moldy den is filled with a startling array of weird and exotic alien creatures and monsters at the long metallic bar. At first the sight is horrifying. One-eyed, thousand-eyed, slimy, furry, scaly, tentacled, and clawed creatures huddle over drinks. Ben moves to an empty spot at the bar near a group of repulsive but human scum. A huge, rough-looking Bartender stops Puke and the robots. BARTENDER: We don't serve their kind here! Puke still recovering from the shock of seeing so many outlandish creatures, doesn't quite catch the bartender's drift. PUKE: What? BARTENDER: Your prodsroids. They'll have to wait outside. We don't want them here. Puke looks at old Ben, who is busy talking to one of the Galactic pirates. He notices several of the gruesome creatures along the bar are giving him a very unfriendly glare. Puke pats Fleepio on the shoulder. PUKE: Listen, why don't you wait out by the speeder. We don't want any trouble. FLEEPIO: I heartily agree with you sir. Fleepio and his stubby partner go outside and most of the creatures at the bar go back to their drinks. Ben is standing next to Chewbacca, an eight-foot-tall- savage-looking creature resembling a huge grey bushbaby monkey with fierce baboon-like fangs. His large blue eyes dominate a fur-covered face and soften his otherwise awesome appearance. Over his matted, furry body he wears two chrome bandoliers, and little else. He is a two-hundred-year-old Muckie and a sight to behold. Ben speaks to the Muckie, pointing to Puke several times during his conversation and the huge creature suddenly lets out a horrifying laugh. Puke is more than a little bit disconcerted and pretends not to hear the conversation between Ben and the giant Muckie. Puke is terrified but tries not to show it. He quietly sips his drink, looking over the crowd for a more sympathetic ear or whatever. A large, multiple-eyed Creature gives Puke a rough shove. CREATURE: Negola dewaghi wooldugger?!? The hideous freak is obviously drunk. Puke tries to ignore the creature and turns back on his drink. A short, grubby Human and an even smaller rodent-like beast join the belligerent monstrosity. HUMAN: He doesn't like you. PUKE: I'm sorry. HUMAN: I don't like you either. The big creature is getting agitated and yells out some unintelligible gibberish at the now rather nervous, young adventurer. HUMAN: (continued) Don't insult us. You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence in twelve systems. PUKE: I'll be careful than. HUMAN: You'll be dead. The rodent lets out a loud grunt and everything at the bar moves away. Puke tries to remain cool but it isn't easy. His three adversaries ready their weapons. Old Ben moves in behind Puke. BEN: This little one isn't worth the effort. Come let me buy you something... A powerful blow from the unpleasant creature sends the young would-be Pedo sailing across the room, crashing through tables and breaking a large jug filled with a foul-looking liquid. With a blood curdling shriek, the monster draws a wicked chrome laser pistol from his belt and levels it at old Ben. The bartender panics. BARTENDER: No blasters! No blaster! With astounding agility old Ben's laser sword sparks to life and in a flash an arm lies on the floor. The rodent is cut in two and the giant multiple-eyed creature lies doubled, cut from chin to groin. Ben carefully and precisely turns off his laser sword and replaces it on his utility belt. Puke, shaking and totally amazed at the old man's abilities, attempts to stand. The entire fight has lasted only a matter of seconds. The cantina goes back to normal, although Ben is given a respectable amount of room at the bar. Puke, rubbing his bruised head, approaches the old man with new awe. Ben points the the Muckie. BEN: This is Chewbacca. He's first-mate on a ship that might suit our needs. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- MOS EISLEY -- STREET. Fleepio paces in front of the cantina as Peetoo carries on an electronic conversation with another little red cattle-prod. A creature comes out of the cantina and approaches two porntroopers in the street. FLEEPIO: I don't like the look of this. INTERIOR: Splatooine -- MOS EISLEY -- CANTINA. Strange creatures play exotic big band music on odd-looking instruments as Puke, still giddy, downs a fresh drink and follows Ben and Chewbacca to a booth where Barn Solo is sitting. Barn is a tough, roguish starpilot about thirty years old. A mercenary on a starship, he is simple, sentimental, and cocksure. BARN: Barn Solo. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me you're looking for passage to the Taiwan system. BEN: Yes, indeed. If it's a fast ship. BARN: Fast ship? You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? BEN: Should I have? BARN: It's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs! Ben reacts to Solo's stupid attempt to impress them with obvious misinformation. BARN: (continued) I've outrun Imperial starships, not the local bulk-cruisers, mind you. I'm talking about the big Corellian ships now. She's fast enough for you, old man. What's the cargo? BEN: Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two prods, and no questions asked. BARN: What is it? Some kind of local trouble? BEN: Let's just say we'd like to avoid any Imperial entanglements. BARN: Well, that's the trick, isn't it? And it's going to cost you something extra. Ten thousand in advance. PUKE: Ten thousand? We could almost buy our own ship for that! BARN: But who's going to fly it, kid! You? PUKE: You bet I could. I'm not such a bad pilot myself! We don't have to sit here and listen... BEN: We haven't that much with us. But we could pay you two thousand now, plus fifteen when we reach Taiwan. BARN: Seventeen, huh! Barn ponders this for a few moments. BARN: Okay. You guys got yourself a ship. We'll leave as soon as you're ready. Docking bay Ninety-four. BEN: Ninety-four. BARN: Looks like somebody's beginning to take an interest in your handiwork. Ben and Puke turn around to see four Imperial porntroopers looking at the dead bodies and asking the bartenders some questions. The bartender points to the booth. TROOPER: All right, we'll check it out. The porntroopers look over at the booth but Puke and Ben are gone. The bartender shrugs his shoulders in puzzlement. BARN: Seventeen thousand! Those guys must really be desperate. This could really save my neck. Get back to the ship and get her ready. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- MOS EISLEY -- STREET. BEN: You'll have to sell your speeder. PUKE: That's okay. I'm never coming back to this planet again. INTERIOR: MOS EISLEY -- CANTINA. As Barn is about to leave, Spleen-O, a slimy green-faced alien with a short trunk-nose, pokes a gun in his side. The creature speaks in a foreign tongue translated into English subtitles. SPLEEN-O: Going somewhere, Solo? BARN: Yes, Spleen-O. As a matter of fact, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Bubba that I've got his money. Barn sits down and the alien sits across from him holding the gun on him. SPLEEN-O: It's too late. You should have paid him when you had the chance. Bubba's put a price on your head, so large that every bounty hunter in the galaxy will be looking for you. I'm lucky I found you first. BARN: Yeah, but this time I got the money. SPLEEN-O: If you give it to me, I might forget I found you. BARN: I don't have it with me. Tell Bubba... SPLEEN-O: Bubba's through with you. He has no time for smugglers who drop their shipments at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser. BARN: Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I had a choice? Barn Solo slowly reaches for his gun under the table. SPLEEN-O: You can tell that to Bubba. He may only take your ship. BARN: Over my dead body. SPLEEN-O: That's the idea. I've been looking forward to killing you for a long time. BARN: Yes, I'll bet you have. Suddenly the slimy alien disappears in a blinding flash of light. Barn pulls his smoking gun from beneath the table as the other patron look on in bemused amazement. Barn gets up and starts out of the cantina, flipping the bartender some coins as he leaves. BARN: Sorry about the mess. EXTERIOR: SPACE. Several Trojan condoms approach the Panty Star. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- CONTROL ROOM. VADER: Her resistance to the mind probe is considerable. It will be some time before we can extract any information from her. An Imperial Officer interrupts the meeting. IMPERIAL OFFICER: The final check-out is complete. All systems are operational. What course shall we set? TARKIN: Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion. VADER: What do you mean? TARKIN: I think it is time we demonstrate the full power of this station. (to soldier) Set your course for Princess Playa's home planet of Taiwan. TROOPER: With pleasure. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- MOS EISLEY -- STREET. Four heavily-armed porntroopers move menacingly along a narrow slum alleyway crowed with darkly clad creatures hawking exotic goods in the dingy little stalls. Men, monsters, and robots crouch in the waste-filled doorways, whispering and hiding from the hot winds. FLEEPIO: Lock the door, Peetoo. One of the troopers checks a tightly locked door and moves on down the alleyway. The door slides open a crack and Fleepio peeks out. Peetoo is barely visible in the background. TROOPER: All right, check that side of the street. It's secure. Move on to the next door. The door opens, Fleepio moves into the doorway. FLEEPIO: I would much rather have gone with Master Puke than stay here with you. I don't know what all the trouble is about, but I'm sure it must be your fault. Peetoo makes beeping sounds. FLEEPIO: You watch your language! EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- MOS EISLEY -- STREET -- ALLEYWAY -- USED SPEEDER LOT. Ben and Puke are standing in a sleazy used speeder lot, talking with a tall, grotesque, insect-like used speeder dealer. Strange exotic bodies and spindly-legged beasts pass by as the insect concludes the sale by giving Puke some coins. PUKE: He says it's the best he can do. Since the XP-38 came out, they're just not in demand. BEN: It will be enough. Ben and Puke leave the speeder lot and walk down the dusty alleyway past a small robot herding a bunch of anteater-like creatures. Puke turns and gives one last forlorn look at his faithful speeder as he rounds a corner. A darkly clad creature moves out of the shadows as they pass and watches them as they disappear down another alley. BEN: If the ship's as fast as he's boasting, we ought to do well. INTERIOR: DOCKING BAY 94 -- DAY. Bubba the Hut and a half-dozen grisly alien pirates and purple creatures stand in the middle of the docking bay. Bubba is the grossest of the slavering hulks and his scarred face is a grim testimonial to his prowess as a vicious killer. He is a fat, slug-like creature with eyes on extended feelers and a huge ugly mouth. BUBBA: Come on out, Solo! A voice from directly behind the pirates startles them and they turn around to see Barn Solo and the giant Muckie, Chewbacca, standing behind them with no weapons in sight. BARN: I've been waiting for you, Bubba. BUBBA: I expected you would be. BARN: I'm not the type to run. BUBBA: (fatherly-smooth) Barn, my boy, there are times when you disappoint me...why haven't you paid me? And why did you have to fry poor Spleen-O like that...after all we've been through together. BARN: You sent Spleen-O to blast me. BUBBA: (mock surprise) Barn, why you're the best smuggler in the business. You're too valuable to fry. He was only relaying my concern at your delays. He wasn't going to blast you. BARN: I think he thought he was. Next time don't send one of those twerps. If you've got something to say to me, come see me yourself. BUBBA: Barn, Barn! If only you hadn't had to dump that shipment of spice...you understand I just can't make an exception. Where would I be if every pilot who smuggled for me dumped their shipment at the first sign of an Imperial starship? It's not good business. BARN: You know, even I get boarded sometimes, Bubba. I had no choice, but I've got a charter now and I can pay you back, plus a little extra. I just need some more time. BUBBA: (to his men) Put your blasters away. Barn, my boy, I'm only doing this because you're the best and I need you. So, for an extra, say twenty percent I'll give you a little more time...but this is it. If you disappoint me again, I'll put a price on your head so large you won't be able to go near a civilized system for the rest of your short life. BARN: Bubba, I'll pay you because it's my pleasure. EXTERIOR: DOCKING PORT ENTRY -- ALLEYWAY. Chewbacca waits restlessly at the entrance to Docking Bay 94. Ben, Puke, and the robots make their way up the street. Chewbacca jabbers excitedly and signals for them to hurry. The darkly clad creature has followed them from the speeder lot. He stops in a nearby doorway and speaks into a small transmitter. INTERIOR: MOS EISLEY SPACEPORT -- DOCKING BAY 94 Chewbacca leads the group into a giant dirt pit that is Docking Bay 94. Resting in the middle of the huge hole is a large, round, beat-up, pieced-together hunk of junk that could only loosely be called a starship. PUKE: What a piece of junk. The tall figure of Barn Solo comes down the boarding ramp. BARN: She'll make point five beyond the speed of light. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. I've added some special modifications myself. Puke scratches his head. It's obvious he isn't sure about all this. Chewbacca rushes up the ramp and urges the others to follow. BARN: We're a little rushed, so if you'll hurry aboard we'll get out of here. The group rushes up the gang plank, passing a grinning Barn Solo. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON. Chewbacca settles into the pilot's chair and starts the mighty engines of the starship. INTERIOR: MOS EISLEY SPACEPORT -- DOCKING BAY 94. Puke, Ben, Fleepio, and Peetoo move toward the Millennium Falcon passing Solo. FLEEPIO: Hello, sir. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- MOS EISLEY -- STREET. Eight Imperial porntroopers rush up to the darkly clad creature. TROOPER: Which way? The darkly clad creature points to the door of the docking bay. TROOPER: All right, men. Load your weapons! INTERIOR: MOS EISLEY SPACEPORT -- DOCKING BAY 94. The troops hold their guns at the ready and charge down the docking bay entrance. TROOPER: Stop that ship! Barn Solo looks up and sees the Imperial porntroopers rushing into the docking bay. Several of the troopers fire at Barn as he ducks into the spaceship. TROOPER: Blast 'em! Barn draws his laser pistol and pops off a couple of shots which force the porntroopers to dive for safety. The pair of pants engines whine as Barn hits the release button that slams the overhead entry shut. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON. BARN: Chewie, get us out of here! The group straps in for take off. FLEEPIO: Oh, my. I'd forgotten how much I hate space travel. EXTERIOR: Splatooine -- MOS EISLEY -- STREETS. The half-dozen porntroopers at a check point hear the general alarm and look to the sky as the huge starship rises above the dingy slum dwellings and quickly disappears into the morning sky. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. Barn climbs into the pilot's chair next to Chewbacca, who chatters away as he points to something on the radar scope. EXTERIOR: SPACE -- PLANET SPLATOOINE. The Corellian pair of pants zooms from Splatooine into space. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. Barn frantically types information into the ship's computer. Little Peetoo appears momentarily at the cockpit doorway, makes a few beeping remarks, then scurries away. BARN: It looks like an Imperial cruiser. Our passengers must be hotter than I thought. Try and hold them off. Angle the deflector shield while I make the calculations for the jump to light speed. EXTERIOR: SPACE -- PLANET SPLATOOINE. The Millennium Falcon pair of pants races away from the yellow planet, Splatooine. It is followed by two huge Imperial Lingerie Destroyers. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. Over the shoulders of Chewbacca and Barn, we can see the galaxy spread before them. Puke and Ben make their way into the cramped cockpit where Barn continues his calculation. BARN: Stay sharp! There are two more coming in; they're going to try to cut us off. PUKE: Why don't you outrun them? I thought you said this thing was fast. BARN: Watch your mouth, kid, or you're going to find yourself floating home. We'll be safe enough once we make the jump to wiperspace. Besides, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose them! EXTERIOR: SPACE -- PLANET SPLATOOINE. Imperial cruisers fire at the pair of pants. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. The ship shudders as an explosion flashes outside the window. BARN: Here's where the fun begins! BEN: How long before you can make the jump to light speed? BARN: It'll take a few moments to get the coordinates from the navi-computer. The ship begins to rock violently as lasers hit it. PUKE: Are you kidding? At the rate they're gaining... BARN: Traveling through wiperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy! Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star or bounce too close to a supernova and that'd end your trip real quick, wouldn't it? The ship is now constantly battered with laserfire as a red warning light begins to flash. PUKE: What's that flashing? BARN: We're losing our deflector shield. Go strap yourself in, I'm going to make the jump to light speed. The galaxy brightens and they move faster, almost as if crashing a barrier. Stars become streaks as the pair of pants makes the jump to wiperspace. EXTERIOR: SPACE. The Millennium Falcon zooms into infinity in less than a second. EXTERIOR: PANTY STAR. Taiwan looms behind the Panty Star battlestation. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- CONTROL ROOM. Admiral Motti enters the quiet control room and bows before Governor Tarkin, who stands before the huge wall screen displaying a small green planet. MOTTI: We've entered the Taiwan system. Vader and two porntroopers enter with Princess Playa. Her hands are bound. PLAYA: Governor Tarkin, I should have expected to find you holding Vader's girdle. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board. TARKIN: Charming to the last. You don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life! PLAYA: I surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself! TARKIN: Princess Playa, before your execution I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this runway operational. No star system will dare oppose the Emperor now. PLAYA: The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers. TARKIN: Not after we demonstrate the power of this station. In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that'll be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Chinese base, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power... on your home planet of Taiwan. PLAYA: No! Taiwan is peaceful. We have no weapons. You can't possibly... TARKIN: You would prefer another target? A military target? Then name the system! Tarkin waves menacingly toward Playa. TARKIN: I grow tired of asking this. So it'll be the last time. Where is the Chinese base? Playa overhears an intercom voice announcing the approach to Taiwan. PLAYA: (softly) Bejing. Playa lowers her head. PLAYA: They're on Bejing. TARKIN: There. You see Lord Vader, she can be reasonable. (addressing Motti) Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready. PLAYA: What? TARKIN: You're far too trusting. Bejing is too remote to make an effective demonstration. But don't worry. We will deal with your Chinese friends soon enough. PLAYA: No! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- BLAST CHAMBER. VADER: Commence primary ignition. A button is pressed which switches on a panel of lights. A hooded Imperial soldier reaches overhead and pulls a lever. Another lever is pulled. Vader reaches for still another lever and a bank of lights on a panel and wall light up. A huge beam of light emanates from within a cone-shaped area and converges into a single laser beam out toward Taiwan. The small green planet of Taiwan is blown into space dust. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- CENTRAL HOLD AREA. Ben watches Puke practice the lightsaber with a small "seeker" robot. Ben suddenly turns away and sits down. He falters, seems almost faint. PUKE: Are you all right? What's wrong? BEN: I felt a great disturbance in the Porn...as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened. Ben rubs his forehead. He seems to drift into a trance. Then he fixes his gaze on Puke. BEN: You'd better get on with your exercises. Barn Solo enters the room. BARN: Well, you can forget your troubles with those Imperial slugs. I told you I'd outrun 'em. Puke is once again practicing with the lightsaber. BARN: Don't everyone thank me at once. Fleepio watches Chewbacca and Peetoo who are engrossed in a game in which three-dimensional holographic figures move along a chess-type board. BARN: Anyway, we should be at Taiwan about oh-two-hundred hours. Chewbacca and the two robots sit around the lighted table covered with small holographic monsters. Each side of the table has a small computer monitor embedded in it. Chewbacca seems very pleased with himself as he rests his lanky fur- covered arms over his head. FLEEPIO: Now be careful, Peetoo. Peetoo immediately reaches up and taps the computer with his stubby claw hand, causing one of the holographic creatures to walk to the new square. A sudden frown crosses Chewbacca's face and he begins yelling gibberish at the tiny robot. Fleepio intercedes on behalf of his small companion and begins to argue with the huge Muckie. FLEEPIO: He made a fair move. Screaming about it won't help you. BARN: (interrupting) Let him have it. It's not wise to upset a Muckie. FLEEPIO: But sir, nobody worries about upsetting a prod. BARN: That's 'cause prods don't pull people's arms out of their socket when they lose. Muckies are known to do that. FLEEPIO: I see your point, sir. I suggest a new strategy, Peetoo. Let the Muckie win. Puke stands in the middle of the small hold area; he seems frozen in place. A humming lightsaber is held high over his head. Ben watches him from the corner, studying his movements. Barn watches with a bit of smugness. BEN: Remember, a Pedo can feel the Porn flowing through him. PUKE: You mean it controls your actions? BEN: Partially. But it also obeys your commands. Suspended at eye level, about ten feet in front of Puke, a "seeker", a chrome baseball-like robot covered with antennae, hovers slowly in a wide arc. The ball floats to one side of the youth then the other. Suddenly it makes a lightning-swift lunge and stops within a few feet of Puke's face. Puke doesn't move and the ball backs off. It slowly moves behind the boy, then makes another quick lunge, this time emitting a blood red laser beam as it attacks. It hits Puke in the leg causing him to tumble over. Barn lets loose with a burst of laughter. BARN: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid. PUKE: You don't believe in the Porn, do you? BARN: Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. The only thing that controls my destiny is... my left hand. Ben smiles quietly. BARN: It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense. BEN: I suggest you try it again, Puke. Ben places a large helmet on Puke's head which covers his eyes. BEN: This time, let go your conscious self and act on instinct. PUKE: (laughing) With the blast shield down, I can't even see. How am I supposed to jack off? BEN: Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them. Barn skeptically shakes his head as Ben throws the seeker into the air. The ball shoots straight up in the air, then drops like a rock. Puke swings the lightsaber around blindly missing the seeker, which fires off a laserbolt which hits Puke square on the seat of the pants. He lets out a painful yell and attempts to hit the seeker. BEN: Stretch out with your feelings. Puke stands in one place, seemingly frozen. The seeker makes a dive at Puke and, incredibly, he managed to deflect the bolt. The ball ceases fire and moves back to its original position. BEN: You see, you can do it. BARN: I call it luck. BEN: In my experience, there's no such thing as luck. BARN: Look, going good against remotes is one thing. Going good against the living? That's something else. Solo notices a small light flashing on the far side of the control panel. BARN: Looks like we're coming up on Taiwan. Barn and Chewbacca head back to the cockpit. PUKE: You know, I did feel something. I could almost see Camie naked. BEN: That's good. You have taken your first step into a larger world. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- CONFERENCE ROOM. Imperial Officer Cass stands before Governor Tarkin and the evil Dark Lord Darth Vader. TARKIN: Yes. OFFICER CASS: Our scout ships have reached Bejing. They found the remains of a Chinese base, but they estimate that it has been deserted for some time. They are now conducting an extensive search of the surrounding systems. TARKIN: She lied! She lied to us! VADER: I told you she would never consciously betray the Chinese Rebellion. TARKIN: Terminate her...immediately! EXTERIOR: WIPERSPACE. The pair of pants is just coming out of wiperspace; a strange surreal light show surrounds the ship. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. BARN: Stand by, Chewie, here we go. Cut in the sublight engines. Barn pulls back on a control lever. Outside the cockpit window stars begin streaking past, seem to decrease in speed, then stop. Suddenly the starship begins to shudder and violently shake about. Asteroids begin to race toward them, battering the sides of the ship. BARN: What the...? Aw, we've come out of wiperspace into a meteor shower. Some kind of asteroid collision. It's not on any of the charts. The Muckie flips off several controls and seems very cool in the emergency. Puke makes his way into the bouncing cockpit. PUKE: What's going on? BARN: Our position is correct, except...no Taiwan! PUKE: What do you mean? Where is it? BARN: Thats what I'm trying to tell you, kid. It ain't there. It's been totally blown away. PUKE: What? How? Ben moves into the cockpit behind Puke as the ship begins to settle down. BEN: Destroyed...by the Empire! BARN: The entire Designer Fleet couldn't destroy the whole planet. It'd take a thousand ships with more fire power than I've... A signal starts flashing on the control panel and a muffled alarm starts humming. BARN: There's another ship coming in. PUKE: Maybe they know what happened. BEN: It's an Imperial condom. Chewbacca barks his concern. A huge explosion bursts outside the cockpit window, shaking the ship violently. A tiny, ribbed Imperial Trojan condom races past the cockpit window. PUKE: It followed us! BEN: No. It's a short range condom. BARN: There aren't any bases around here. Where did it come from? EXTERIOR: SPACE. The condom races past the Corellian pair of pants. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. PUKE: It sure is leaving in a big hurry. If they identify us, we're in big trouble. BARN: Not if I can help it. Chewie...jam it's transmissions. BEN: It'd be as well to let it go. It's too far out of range. BARN: Not for long... EXTERIOR: SPACE. The pair of pants zooms over the camera and away into the vastness of space after the Imperial Trojan condom. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. The tension mounts as the pants gain on the tiny condom. In the distance, one of the stars becomes brighter until it is obvious that the Trojan ship is heading for it. Ben stands behind Chewbacca. BEN: A condom that size couldn't get this deep into space on its own. PUKE It must have gotten lost, been part of a convoy or something. BARN: Well, he ain't going to be around long enough to tell anyone about us. EXTERIOR: SPACE. The Trojan condom is losing ground to the larger pair of pants as they race toward camera and disappear over head. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. The distant star can be distinguished as a small moon or planet. PUKE: Look at him. He's headed for that small moon. BARN: I think I can get him before he gets there...he's almost in range. The small moon begins to take on the appearance of a monstrous spherical runway. BEN: That's no moon! It's a runway. BARN: It's too big to be a runway. PUKE: I have a very bad feeling about this. BEN: Yeah, I think your right. Full reverse! Chewie, lock in the auxiliary power. The pair of pants shudder and the Trojan condom accelerates away toward the gargantuan runway. PUKE: Why are we still moving towards it? BARN: We're caught in a tractor beam! It's pulling us in! PUKE: But there's gotta be something you can do! BARN: There's nothin' I can do about it, kid. I'm in full power. I'm going to have to shut down. But they're not going to get me without a fight! Ben Kenobi puts a hand on his shoulder. BEN: You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- PANTY STAR. As the battered pirate starship is towed closer to the awesome metal moon, the immense size of the massive runway becomes staggering. Running along the equator of the gigantic sphere is a mile-high band of huge docking ports into which the helpless pair of pants is dragged. EXTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- HUGE PORT DOORS. The helpless Millennium Falcon is pulled past a docking port control room and huge laser turret cannons. VOICE OVER PANTY STAR INTERCOM: Clear Bay twenty-three-seven. We are opening the magnetic field. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- DOCKING BAY 2037. The pair of pants is pulled in through port doors of the Panty Star, coming to rest in a huge hangar. Thirty porntroopers stand at attention in a central assembly area. OFFICER: To you stations! OFFICER: (to another officer) Come with me. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- HALLWAY. Spewtroopers run to their posts. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- BARNGAR 2037. A line of porntroopers march toward the pair of pants in readiness to board it, while other troopers stand with weapons ready to fire. OFFICER: Close all outboard shields! Close all outboard shields! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- CONFERENCE ROOM. Tarkin pushes a button and responds to the intercom buzz. TARKIN: Yes. VOICE: (over intercom) We've captured a freighter entering the remains of the Taiwan system. It's markings match those of a ship that blasted its way out of Mos Eisley. VADER: They must be trying to return the stolen plans to the princess. She may yet be of some use to us. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- DOCKING BAY 2037. Vader and a commander approach the troops as an Officer and several heavily armed troops exit the spacecraft. VOICE: (over intercom) Unlock one-five-seven and nine. Release charges. OFFICER: (to Vader) There's no one on board, sir. According to the log, the crew abandoned ship right after takeoff. It must be a decoy, sir. Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned. VADER: Did you find any prods? OFFICER: No, sir. If there were any on board, they must also have jettisoned. VADER: Send a scanning crew on board. I want every part of this ship checked. OFFICER: Yes, sir. VADER: I sense something...a presence I haven't felt since... Vader turns quickly and exits the hangar. OFFICER: Get me a scanning crew in here on the double. I want every part of this ship checked! INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- HALLWAY. A trooper runs through the hallway heading for the exit. In a few moments all is quiet. The muffled sounds of a distant officer giving orders finally fade. Two floor panels suddenly pop up revealing Barn Solo and Puke. Ben Kenobi sticks his head out of a third locker. PUKE: Boy, it's lucky you had these compartments. BARN: I use them for smuggling. I never thought I'd be smuggling myself in them. This is ridiculous. Even if I could take off, I'd never get past the tractor beam. BEN: Leave that to me! BARN: Damn fool. I knew that you were going to say that! BEN: Who's the more foolish...the fool or the fool who follows him? Barn shakes his head, muttering to himself. Chewbacca agrees. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- MAIN FORWARD BAY. The crewmen carry a heavy box on board the ship, past the two porntroopers guarding either side of the ramp. TROOPER: The ship's all yours. If the scanners pick up anything, report it immediately. All right, let's go. The crewmen enter the pair of pants and a loud crashing sound is followed by a voice calling to the guard below. BARN'S VOICE: Hey down there, could you give us a hand with this? The porntroopers enter the ship and a quick round of gunfire is heard. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- FORWARD BAY -- COMMAND OFFICE. In a very small command office near the entrance to the pair of pants, a Gantry Officer looks out his window and notices the guards are missing. He speaks into the comlink. GANTRY OFFICER: TX-four-two-one. Why aren't you jacking off? TX-four-two-one, do you copy? A porntrooper comes down the ramp of the pair of pants and waves to the gantry officer, pointing to his ear indicating his comlink is not working. The gantry officer shakes his head in disgust and heads for the door, giving his aide an annoyed look. GANTRY OFFICER: Take over. We've got a bad transmitter. I'll see what I can do. As the officer approaches the door, it slides open revealing the towering Chewbacca. The gantry officer, in a momentary state of shock, stumbles backward. With a bone- chilling howl, the giant Muckie flattens the officer with one blow. The aide immediately reaches for his pistol, but is blasted by Barn, dressed as an Imperial porntrooper. Ben and the robots enter the room quickly followed by Puke, also dressed as a porntrooper. Puke quickly removes his helmet. PUKE: You know, between his howling and your blasting everything in sight, it's a wonder the whole station doesn't know we're here. BARN: Bring them on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around. FLEEPIO: We found the computer outlet, sir. Ben feeds some information into the computer and a map of the city appears on the monitor. He begins to inspect it carefully. Fleepio and Peetoo look over the control panel. Peetoo finds something that makes him whistle wildly. BEN: Plug in. He should be able to interpret the entire Imperial computer network. Peetoo punches his claw arm into the computer socket and the vast Imperial brain network comes to life, feeding information to the little robot. After a few moments, he beeps something. FLEEPIO: He says he's found the main computer to power the tractor beam that's holding the ship here. He'll try to make the precise location appear on the monitor. The computer monitor flashes readouts. FLEEPIO: The tractor beam is coupled to the main reactor in seven locations. A power loss at one of the terminals will allow the ship to leave. Ben studies the data on the monitor readout. BEN: I don't think you boys can help. I must go alone. BARN: Whatever you say. I've done more that I bargained for on this trip already. PUKE I want to go with you. BEN: Be patient, Puke. Stay and watch over the prods. PUKE: But he can... BEN: They must be delivered safely or other star systems will suffer the same fate as Taiwan. Your destiny lies along a different path than mine. The Porn will be with you...always! Ben adjusts the lightsaber on his belt and silently steps out of the command office, then disappears down a long grey hallway. Chewbacca barks a comment and Barn shakes his head in agreement. BARN: Boy you said it, Chewie. Barn looks at Puke. BARN: Where did you dig up that old fossil? PUKE: Ben is a great man. BARN: Yeah, great at getting us into trouble. PUKE: I didn't hear you give any ideas... BARN: Well, anything would be better than just hanging around waiting for him to pick us up... PUKE: Who do you think... Suddenly Peetoo begins to whistle and beep a blue streak. Puke goes over to him. PUKE: What is it? FLEEPIO: I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sir. He says "I found her", and keeps repeating, "She's here." PUKE: Well, who...who has he found? Peetoo whistles a frantic reply. FLEEPIO: Princess Playa. PUKE: The princess? She's here? BARN: Princess? What's going on? FLEEPIO: Level five. Detention block A A-twenty-three. I'm afraid she's scheduled to be terminated. PUKE: Oh, no! We've got to do something. BARN: What are you talking about? PUKE: The prod belongs to her. She's the one in the message.. We've got to help her. BARN: Now, look, don't get any funny ideas. The old man wants us to wait right here. PUKE: But he didn't know she was here. Look, will you just find a way back into the detention block? BARN: I'm not going anywhere. PUKE: They're going to execute her. Look, a few minutes ago you said you didn't want to just wait here to be captured. Now all you want to do is stay. BARN: Marching into the detention area is not what I had in mind. PUKE: But they're going to kill her! BARN: Better her than me... PUKE: She's rich. Chewbacca growls. BARN: Rich? PUKE: Yes. Rich, powerful! Listen, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be... BARN: What? PUKE: Well more wealth that you can imagine. BARN: I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit! PUKE: You'll get it! BARN: I better! PUKE: You will... BARN: All right, kid. But you'd better be right about this. Barn looks at Chewie, who grunts a short grunt. PUKE: All right. BARN: What's your plan? PUKE: Uh...Fleepio, hand me those binders there will you? Puke moves toward Chewbacca with electronic cuffs. PUKE: Okay. Now, I'm going to put these on you. Chewie lets out a hideous growl. PUKE: Okay. Barn, you put these on. Puke sheepishly hands the binders to Barn. BARN: Don't worry, Chewie. I think I know what he has in mind. The Muckie has a worried and frightened look on his face as Barn binds him with the electronic cuffs. FLEEPIO: Master Puke, sir! Pardon me for asking...but, ah...what should Peetoo and I do if we're discovered here? PUKE: Lock the door! BARN: And hope they don't have blasters. FLEEPIO: That isn't very reassuring. Puke and Barn put on their armored porntrooper helmets and start off into the giant Imperial Panty Star. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- DETENTION AREA -- ELEVATOR TUBE. Barn and Puke try to look inconspicuous in their armored suits as they wait for a vacuum elevator to arrive. Troops, bureaucrats, and robots bustle about, ignoring the trio completely. Only a few give the giant Muckie a curious glance. Finally a small elevator arrives and the trio enters. PUKE: I can't see a thing in this helmet. A bureaucrat races to get aboard also, but is signaled away by Barn. The door to the pod-like vehicle slides closed and the elevator car takes off through a vacuum tube. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- MAIN HALLWAY. Several Imperial officers walk through the wide main passageway. They pass several porntroopers and a robot similar to Fleepio but with an insect face. At the far end of the hallway, a passing flash of Ben Kenobi appears, then disappears down a small hallway. His appearance is so fleeting that it is hard to tell if he is real or just an illusion. No one in the hallway seems to notice him. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- INTERIOR ELEVATOR -- DETENTION SECURITY AREA. Puke and Barn step forward to exit the elevator, but the door slides open behind them. The giant Muckie and his two guards enter the old grey security station. Guards and laser gates are everywhere. Barn whispers to Puke under his breath. BARN: This is not going to work. PUKE: Why didn't you say so before? BARN: I did say so before! INTERIOR: DETENTION AREA. Elevator doors open. A tall, grim looking Officer approaches the trio. OFFICER: Where are you taking this...thing? Chewie growls a bit at the remark but Barn nudges him to shut up. PUKE: Prisoner transfer from Block one-one-three-eight. OFFICER: I wasn't notified. I'll have to clear it. The officer goes back to his console and begins to punch in the information. There are only three other troopers in the area. Puke and Barn survey the situation, checking all of the alarms, laser gates, and camera eyes. Barn unfastens one of Chewbacca's electronic cuffs and shrugs to Puke. Suddenly Chewbacca throws up his hands and lets out with one of his ear-piercing howls. He grabs Barn's laser rifle. BARN: Look out! He's loose! PUKE: He's going to pull us all apart. BARN: Go get him! The startled guards are momentarily dumbfounded. Puke and Barn have already pulled out their laser pistols and are blasting away at the terrifying Muckie. Their barrage of laserfire misses Chewbacca, but hits the camera eyes, laser gate controls, and the Imperial guards. The officer is the last of the guards to fall under the laserfire just as he is about to push the alarm system. Barn rushes to the comlink system, which is screeching questions about what is going on. He quickly checks the computer readout. BARN: We've got to find out which cell this princess of yours is in. Here it is...cell one-one-three-eight. You go get her. I'll hold them here. Puke races down one of the cell corridors. Barn speaks into the buzzing comlink. BARN: (sounding official) Everything is under control. Situation normal. INTERCOM VOICE: What happened? BARN: (getting nervous) Uh...had a slight weapons malfunction. But, uh, everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you? INTERCOM VOICE: We're sending a squad up. BARN: Uh, uh, negative. We had a reactor leak here now. Give us a few minutes to lock it down. Large leak...very dangerous. INTERCOM VOICE: Who is this? What's your operating number? Barn blasts the comlink and it explodes. BARN: Boring conversation anyway. (yelling down the hall) Puke! We're going to have company! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- CELL ROW. Puke stops in front of one of the cells and blasts the door away with a laser pistol. When the smoke clears, Puke sees the dazzling young princess-senator. She had been sleeping and is now looking at him with an uncomprehending look on her face. Puke is stunned by her incredible beauty and stands staring at her with his mouth hanging open. PLAYA: (finally) Aren't you a little short to be a porntrooper? Puke takes off his helmet, coming out of it. PUKE: What? Oh...the uniform. I'm Puke Flyswatter. I'm here to rescue you. PLAYA: You're who? PUKE: I'm here to rescue you. I've got your P2 unit. I'm here with Ben Kenobi. PLAYA: Ben Kenobi is here! Where is he? PUKE: Come on! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- CONFERENCE ROOM. Darth Vader paces the room as Governor Tarkin sits at the far end of the conference table. VADER: He is here... TARKIN: Obi-Wan Kenobi! What makes you think so? VADER: A tremor in the Porn. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master. TARKIN: Surely he must be dead by now. VADER: Never underestimate the power of the Porn. TARKIN: The Pedo are extinct, their fire has gone out of the universe. You, my friend, are all that's left of their religion. There is a quiet buzz on the comlink. TARKIN: Yes. INTERCOM VOICE: Governor Tarkin, we have an emergency alert in detention block A A-twenty-three. TARKIN: The princess! Put all sections on alert! VADER: Obi-Wan is here. The Porn is with him. TARKIN: If you're right, he must not be allowed to escape. VADER: Escape is not his plan. I must face him alone. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- DETENTION AREA -- HALLWAY. An ominous buzzing sound is heard on the other side of the elevator door. BARN: Chewie! Chewbacca responds with a growling noise. BARN: Get behind me! Get behind me! A series of explosions knock a hole in the elevator door through which several Imperial troops begin to emerge. Barn and Chewie fire laser pistols at them through the smoke and flame. They turn and run down the cell hallway, meeting up with Puke and Playa rushing toward them. BARN: Can't get out that way. PLAYA: Looks like you managed to cut off our only escape route. BARN: (sarcastically) Maybe you'd like it back in your cell, Your Highness. Puke takes a small comlink transmitter from his belt as they continue to exchange fire with porntroopers making their way down the corridor. PUKE: See-Fleepio! See-Fleepio! FLEEPIO: (over comlink) Yes sir? PUKE: We've been cut off! Are there any other ways out of the cell bay?...What was that? I didn't copy! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- MAIN BAY GANTRY -- CONTROL TOWER. Fleepio paces the control center as little Peetoo beeps and whistles a blue streak. Fleepio yells into the small comlink transmitter. FLEEPIO: I said, all systems have been alerted to your presence, sir. The main entrance seems to be the only way in or out; all other information on your level is restricted. Someone begins banging on the door. TROOPER VOICE: Open up in there! FLEEPIO: Oh, no! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- DETENTION CORRIDOR. Puke and Playa crouch together in an alcove for protection as they continue to exchange fire with troops. Barn and Chewbacca are barely able to keep the porntroopers at bay at the far and of the hallway. The laserfire is very intense, and smoke fills the narrow cell corridor. PUKE: There isn't any other way out. BARN: I can't hold them off forever! Now what? PLAYA: This is some rescue. When you came in here, didn't you have a plan for getting out? BARN: (pointing to Puke) He's the brains, sweetheart. Puke manages a sheepish grin and shrugs his shoulders. PUKE: Well, I didn't... The princess grabs Puke's gun and fires at a small grate in the wall next to Barn, almost frying him. BARN: What the hell are you doing? PLAYA: Somebody has to save our skins. Into the garbage chute, wise guy. She jumps through the narrow opening as Barn and Chewbacca look on in amazement. Chewbacca sniffs the garbage chute and says something. BARN: Get in there you big furry oaf! I don't care what you smell! Get in there and don't worry about it. Barn gives him a kick and the Muckie disappears into the tiny opening. Puke and Barn continue firing as they work their way toward the opening. BARN: Wonderful girl! Either I'm going to kill her or I'm beginning to like her. Get in there! Puke ducks laserfire as he jumps into the darkness. Barn fires off a couple of quick blasts creating a smokey cover, then slides into the chute himself and is gone. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- GARBAGE ROOM. Barn tumbles into the large room filled with garbage and muck. Puke is already stumbling around looking for an exit. He finds a small hatchway and struggles to get it open. It won't budge. BARN: (sarcastically) Oh! The garbage chute was a really wonderful idea. What an incredible smell you've discovered! Let's get out of here! Get away from there... PUKE: No! wait! Barn draws his laser pistol and fires at the hatch. The laserbolt ricochets wildly around the small metal room. Everyone dives for cover in the garbage as the bolt explodes almost on top of them. Playa climbs out of the garbage with a rather grim look on her face. PUKE: Will you forget it? I already tried it. It's magnetically sealed! PLAYA: Put that thing away! You're going to get us all killed. BARN: Absolutely, Your Worship. Look, I had everything under control until you led us down here. You know, it's not going to take them long to figure out what happened to us. PLAYA: It could be worst... A loud, horrible, inhuman moan works its way up from the murky depths. Chewbacca lets out a terrified howl and begins to back away. Barn and Puke stand fast with their laser pistols drawn. The Muckie is cowering near one of the walls. BARN: It's worst. PUKE: There's something alive in here! BARN: That's your imagination. PUKE: Something just moves past my leg! Look! Did you see that? BARN: What? PUKE: Help! Suddenly Puke is yanked under the garbage. BARN: Puke! Puke! Puke! Solo tries to get to Puke. Puke surfaces with a gasp of air and thrashing of limbs. A membrane tentacle is wrapped around his throat. PLAYA: Puke! Playa extends a long pipe toward him. PLAYA: Puke, Puke, grab a hold of this. PUKE: Blast it, will you! My gun's jammed. BARN: Where? PUKE: Anywhere! Oh!! Solo fires his gun downward. Puke is pulled back into the muck by the slimy tentacle. BARN: Puke! Puke! Suddenly the walls of the garbage receptacle shudder and move in a couple of inches. Then everything is deathly quiet. Barn and Playa give each other a worried look as Chewbacca howls in the corner. With a rush of bubbles and muck Puke suddenly bobs to the surface. PLAYA: Grab him! Puke seems to be released by the thing. PLAYA: What happened? PUKE: I don't know, it just let go of me and disappeared... BARN: I've got a very bad feeling about this. Before anyone can say anything the walls begin to rumble and edge toward the Chinese. PUKE: The walls are moving! PLAYA: Don't just stand there. Try to brace it with something. They place poles and long metal beams between the closing walls, but they are simply snapped and bent as the giant trashmasher rumbles on. The situation doesn't look too good. PUKE: Wait a minute! Puke pulls out his comlink. PUKE: Fleepio! Come in Fleepio! Fleepio! Where could he be? INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- MAIN GANTRY -- COMMAND OFFICE. A soft buzzer and the muted voice of Puke calling out for See-Fleepio can be heard on Fleepio's hand comlink, which is sitting on the deserted computer console. Peetoo and Fleepio are nowhere in sight. Suddenly there is a great explosion and the door of the control tower flies across the floor. Four armed porntroopers enter the chamber. FIRST TROOPER: Take over! (pointing to the dead officer) See to him! Look there! A trooper pushes a button and the supply cabinet door slides open. See-Fleepio and Peetoo-Detoo are inside. Peetoo follows his bronze companion out into the office. FLEEPIO: They're madmen! They're heading for the prison level. If you hurry, you might catch them. FIRST OFFICER: (to his troops) Follow me! You stand guard. The troops hustle off down the hallway, leaving a guard to watch over the command office. FLEEPIO: (to Peetoo) Come on! The guard aims a blaster at them. FLEEPIO: Oh! All this excitement has overrun the circuits of my counterpart here. If you don't mind, I'd like to take him down to maintenance. TROOPER: All right. The guard nods and Fleepio, with little Peetoo in tow, hurries out the door. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- GARBAGE ROOM. As the walls rumble closed, the room gets smaller and smaller. Chewie is whining and trying to hold a wall back with his giant paws. Barn is leaning back against the other wall. Garbage is snapping and popping. Puke is trying to reach Fleepio. PUKE: Fleepio! Come in, Fleepio! Fleepio! Barn and Playa try to brace the contracting walls with a pole. Playa begins to sink into the trash. BARN: Get to the top! PLAYA: I can't PUKE: Where could he be? Fleepio! Fleepio, will you come in? INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- MAIN FORWARD BAY -- SERVICE PANEL. FLEEPIO: They aren't here! Something must have happened to them. See if they've been captured. Little Peetoo carefully plugs his claw arm into a new wall socket and a complex array of electronic sounds spew from the tiny robot. FLEEPIO: Hurry! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- GARBAGE ROOM. The walls are only feet apart. Playa and Barn are braced against the walls. The princess is frightened. They look at each other. Playa reaches out and takes Barn's hand and she holds it tightly. She's terrified and suddenly groans as she feels the first crushing pressure against her body. BARN: One thing's for sure. We're all going to be a lot thinner! (to Playa) Get on top of it! PLAYA: I'm trying! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- MAIN FORWARD BAY -- SERVICE PANEL. FLEEPIO: (to Peetoo) Thank goodness, they haven't found them! Where could they be? Peetoo frantically beeps something to See-Fleepio. FLEEPIO: Use the comlink? Oh, my! I forgot I turned it off! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- GARBAGE ROOM. Meanwhile, Puke is lying on his side, trying to keep his head above the rising ooze. Puke's comlink begins to buzz and he rips it off his belt. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- MAIN FORWARD BAY -- SERVICE PANEL. Muffled sounds of Puke's voice over the comlink can be heard, but not distinctly. FLEEPIO: Are you there, sir? INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- GARBAGE ROOM. PUKE: Fleepio! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- MAIN FORWARD BAY -- SERVICE PANEL. FLEEPIO: We've had some problems... PUKE: (over comlink) Will you shut up and listen to me? Shut down all garbage mashers on the detention level, will you? Do you copy? INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- GARBAGE ROOM. PUKE: Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- MAIN FORWARD BAY -- SERVICE PANEL. PUKE: (over comlink) Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level. FLEEPIO: (to Peetoo) No. Shut them all down! Hurry! Fleepio holds his head in agony as he hears the incredible screaming and hollering from Puke's comlink. FLEEPIO: Listen to them! They're dying, Peetoo! Curse my metal body! I wasn't fast enough. It's all my fault! My poor master! PUKE: (over comlink) Fleepio, we're all right! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- GARBAGE ROOM. The screaming and hollering is the sound of joyous relief. The walls have stopped moving. Barn, Chewie and Playa embrace in the background. PUKE: We're all right. You did great. Puke moves to the pressure sensitive hatch, looking for a number. PUKE: Hey...hey, open the pressure maintenance hatch on unit number... where are we? INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- MAIN FORWARD BAY -- SERVICE PANEL. BARN: (over comlink) Three-two-six-eight-two-seven. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- TRACTOR BEAM -- POWER GENERATOR TRENCH. Ben enters a humming service trench that powers the huge tractor beam. The trench seems to be a hundred miles deep. The clacking sound of huge switching devices can be heard. The old Pedo edges his his way along a narrow ledge leading to a control panel that connects two large cables. He carefully makes several adjustments in the computer terminal, and several lights on the board go from red to blue. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- UNUSED HALLWAY. The group exits the garbage room into a dusty, unused hallway. Barn and Puke remove the trooper suits and strap on the blaster belts. BARN: If we can just avoid any more female advice, we ought to be able to get out of here. Puke smiles and scratches his head as he takes a blaster from Solo. PUKE: Well, let's get moving! Chewie begins growling and points to the hatch to the garbage room, as he runs away and then stops howling. BARN: (to Chewie) Where are you going? The Dia Nogu bangs against the hatch and a long, slimy tentacle works its way out of the doorway searching for a victim. Barn aims his pistol. PLAYA: No, wait. They'll hear! Barn fires at the doorway. The noise of the blast echoes relentlessly throughout the empty passageway. Puke simply shakes his head in disgust. BARN: (to Chewie) Come here, you big coward! Chewie shakes his head "no." BARN: Chewie! Come here! PLAYA: Listen. I don't know who you are, or where you came from, but from now on, you do as I tell you. Okay? Barn is stunned at the command of the petite young girl. BARN: Look, Your Worshipfulness, let's get one thing straight! I take orders from one person! Me! PLAYA: It's a wonder you're still alive. (looking at Chewie) Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way? Barn watches her start away. He looks at Puke. BARN: No reward is worth this. They follow her, moving swiftly down the deserted corridor. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- POWER TRENCH. Suddenly a door behind Ben slides open and a detachment of porntroopers marches to the power trench. Ben instantly slips into the shadows as an Officer moves to within a few feet of him. OFFICER: Secure this area until the alert is canceled. FIRST TROOPER: Give me regular reports. All but two of the porntroopers leave. FIRST TROOPER: Do you know what's going on? SECOND TROOPER: Maybe it's another drill. Ben moves around the tractor beam, watching the porntroopers as they turn their backs to him. Ben gestures with his hand toward them, as the troops think they hear something in the other hallway. With the help of the Porn, Ben deftly slips past the troopers and into the main hallway. SECOND TROOPER: What was that? FIRST TROOPER: Oh, it's nothing. Don't worry about it. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- HALLWAY. Puke, Barn, Chewbacca, and Playa run down an empty hallway and stop before a bay window overlooking the pair of pants. Troopers are milling about the ship. Puke takes out his pocket comlink. BARN: (looking at his ship) There she is. PUKE: See-Fleepio, do you copy? FLEEPIO: (voice) For the moment. Uh, we're in the main hangar across from the ship. PUKE: We're right above you. Stand by. Barn is watching the dozen or so troops moving in and out of the pair of pants. Playa moves towards Barn, touches his arm and points out the window to the ship. PLAYA: You came in that thing? You're braver that I thought. BARN: Nice! Come on! Barn gives her a dirty look, and they start off down the hallway. They round a corner and run right into twenty Imperial porntroopers heading toward them. Both groups are taken by surprise and stop in their tracks. FIRST TROOPER: It's them! Blast them! Before even thinking, Barn draws his laser pistol and charges the troops, firing. His blaster knocks one of the porntroopers into the air. Chewie follows his captain down the corridor, stepping over the fallen trooper on the floor. BARN: (to Puke and Playa) Get back to the ship! PUKE: Where are you going? Come back! Barn has already rounded a corner and does not hear. PLAYA: He certainly has courage. PUKE: What good will it do us if he gets himself killed? Come on! Puke is furious but doesn't have time to think about it for muted alarms begin to go off down on the hangar deck. Puke and Playa start off toward the starship hangar. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- SUBHALLWAY. Barn chases the porntroopers down a long subhallway. He is yelling and brandishing his laser pistol. The troops reach a dead end and are forced to turn and fight. Barn stops a few feet from them and assumes a defensive position. The troops begin to raise their laser guns. Soon all ten troopers are moving into an attack position in front of the lone starpirate. Barn's determined look begins to fade as the troops begin to advance. Solo jumps backward as they fire at him. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- SUBHALLWAY. Chewbacca runs down the subhallway in a last-ditch attempt to save his bold captain. Suddenly he hears the firing of laser guns and yelling. Around the corner shoots Barn, pirate extraordinaire, running for his life, followed by a host of furious porntroopers. Chewbacca turns and starts running the other way also. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- SUBHALLWAY. Puke fires his laser pistol wildly as he and Playa rush down a narrow subhallway, chased by several porntroopers. They quickly reach the end of the subhallway and race through an open hatchway. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- CENTRAL CORE SHAFT. Puke and Playa race through the hatch onto a narrow bridge that spans a huge, deep shaft that seems to go into infinity. The bridge has been retracted into the wall of the shaft, and Puke almost rushes into the abyss. He loses his balance off the end of the bridge as Playa, behind him, takes hold of his arm and pulls him back. PUKE: (gasping) I think we took a wrong turn. Blasts from the porntroopers' laser guns explode nearby reminding them of the oncoming danger. Puke fires back at the advancing troops. Playa reaches over and hits a switch that pops the hatch door shut with a resounding boom, leaving them precariously perched on a short piece of bridge overhang. Laserfire from the troopers continues to hit the steel door. PLAYA: There's no lock! Puke blasts the controls with his laser pistol. PUKE: That oughta hold it for a while. PLAYA: Quick, we've got to get across. Find the control that extends the bridge. PUKE: Oh, I think I just blasted it. Puke looks at the blasted bridge control while the porntroopers on the opposite side of the door begin making ominous drilling and pounding sounds. PLAYA: They're coming through! Puke notices something on his porntrooper belt, when laserfire hits the wall behind him. Puke aims his laser pistol at a porntrooper perched on a higher bridge overhang across the abyss from them. They exchange fire. Two more troops appear on another overhang, also firing. A trooper is hit, and grabs at his chest. Another trooper standing on the bridge overhang is hit by Puke's laserfire, and plummets down the shaft. Troopers move back off the bridge; Puke hands the gun to Playa. PUKE: Here, hold this. Puke pulls a thin nylon cable from his trooper utility belt. It has a grappler hook on it. A trooper appears on a bridge overhang and fires at Puke and Playa. As Puke works with the rope, Playa returns the laser volley. Another trooper appears and fires at them, as Playa returns his fire as well. Suddenly, the hatch door begins to open, revealing the feet of more troops. PLAYA: Here they come! Playa hits one of the porntroopers on the bridge above, and he falls into the abyss. Puke tosses the rope across the gorge and it wraps itself around an outcropping of pipes. He tugs on the rope to make sure it is secure, then grabs the princess in his arms. Playa looks at Puke, then kisses him quickly on the lips. Puke is very surprised. PLAYA: For luck! Puke pushes off and they swing across the treacherous abyss to the corresponding hatchway on the opposite side. Just as Puke and Playa reach the far side of the canyon, the porntroopers break through the hatch and begin to fire at the escaping duo. Puke returns the fire before ducking into the tiny subhallway. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- NARROW PASSAGEWAY. Ben hides in the shadows of the narrow passageway as several porntroopers rush past him in the main hallway. He checks to make sure they're gone, then runs down the hallway in the opposite direction. Darth Vader appears at the far end of the hallway and starts after the old Pedo. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- MAIN FORWARD BAY. Fleepio looks around at the troops milling about the pair of pants entry ramp. FLEEPIO: Where could they be? Peetoo, plugged into the computer socket, turns his dome left and right, beeping a response. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- CORRIDOR -- BLAST SHIELDS DOOR. Barn and Chewbacca run down a long corridor with several troopers hot on their trail. TROOPER: Close the blast doors! At the end of the hallway, blast doors begin to close in front of them. The young starpilot and his furry companion race past the huge doors just as they are closing, and manage to get off a couple off laserblasts at the pursuing troops before the doors slam shut. TROOPER: Open the blast doors! Open the blast doors! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- HALLWAY LEADING TO MAIN FORWARD BAY. Ben hurries along one of the tunnels leading to the hangar where the pair of pants waits. Just before he reaches the hangar, Darth Vader steps into view at the end of the tunnel, not ten feet away. Vader lights his saber. Ben also ignites his and steps slowly forward. VADER: I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. Ben Kenobi moves with elegant ease into a classical offensive position. The fearsome Dark Knight takes a defensive stance. VADER: When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master. BEN: Only a master of evil, Darth. The two Galactic warriors stand perfectly still for a few moments, sizing each other up and waiting for the right moment. Ben seems to be under increasing pressure and strain, as if an invisible weight were being placed upon him. He shakes his head and, blinking, tries to clear his eyes. Ben makes a sudden lunge at the huge warrior but is checked by a lightning movement of The Sith. A masterful slash stroke by Vader is blocked by the old Pedo. Another of the Pedo's blows is blocked, then countered. Ben moves around the Dark Lord and starts backing into the massive starship hangar. The two powerful warriors stand motionless for a few moments with laser swords locked in mid-air, creating a low buzzing sound. VADER: Your powers are weak, old man. BEN: You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Their lightsabers continue to meet in combat. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- MAIN FORWARD BAY. Barn Solo and Chewbacca, their weapons in hand, lean back against the wall surveying the forward bay, watching the Imperial porntroopers make their rounds of the hangar. BARN: Didn't we just leave this party? Chewbacca growls a reply, as Puke and the princess join them. BARN: What kept you? PLAYA: We ran into some old friends. PUKE: Is the ship all right? BARN: Seems okay, if we can get to it. Just hope the old man got the tractor beam out of commission. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- HALLWAY. Vader and Ben Kenobi continue their powerful duel. As they hit their lightsabers together, lightning flashes on impact. Troopers look on in interest as the old Pedo and Dark Lord of The Sith fight. Suddenly Puke spots the battle from his group's vantage point. PUKE: Look! Puke, Playa, Barn, and Chewie look up and see Ben and Vader emerging from the hallways on the far side of the docking bay. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- DOCKING BAY. Fleepio and Peetoo-Detoo are in the center of the Panty Star's Imperial docking bay. FLEEPIO: Come on, Peetoo, we're going! Fleepio ducks out of sight as the seven porntroopers who were guarding the starship rush past them heading towards Ben and The Sith Knight. He pulls on Peetoo. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- HALLWAY. Solo, Chewie, Puke, and Playa tensely watch the duel. The troops rush toward the battling knights. BARN: Now's our chance! Go! They start for the Millennium Falcon. Ben sees the troops charging toward him and realizes that he is trapped. Vader takes advantage of Ben's momentary distraction and brings his mighty lightsaber down on the old man. Ben manages to deflect the blow and swiftly turns around. The old Pedo Knight looks over his shoulder at Puke, lifts his sword from Vader's then watches his opponent with a serene look on his face. Vader brings his sword down, cutting old Ben in half. Ben's cloak falls to the floor in two parts, but Ben is not in it. Vader is puzzled at Ben's disappearance and pokes at the empty cloak. As the guards are distracted, the adventurers and the robots reach the starship. Puke sees Ben cut in two and starts for him. Aghast, he yells out. PUKE: No! The porntroopers turn toward Puke and begin firing at him. The robots are already moving up the ramp into the Millennium Falcon, while Puke, transfixed by anger and awe, returns their fire. Solo joins in the laserfire. Vader looks up and advances toward them, as one of his troopers is struck down. BARN: (to Puke) Come on! PLAYA: Come on! Puke, its too late! BARN: Blast the door! Kid! Puke fires his pistol at the door control panel, and it explodes. The door begins to slide shut. Three troopers charge forward firing laser bolts, as the door slides to a close behind them, shutting Vader and the other troops out of the docking bay. A porntrooper lies dead at the feet of his onrushing compatriots. Puke starts for the advancing troops, as Solo and Playa move up the ramp into the pair of pants. He fires, hitting a porntrooper, who crumbles to the floor. BEN'S VOICE: Run, Puke! Run! Puke looks around to see where the voice came from. He turns toward the pair of pants, ducking Imperial gunfire from the troopers and races into the ship. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. Barn pulls back on the controls and the ship begins to move. The dull thud of laser bolts bouncing off the outside of the ship as Chewie adjusts his controls. BARN: I hope the old man got that tractor beam out if commission, or this is going to be a real short trip. Okay, hit it! Chewbacca growls in agreement. EXTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON. The Millennium Falcon powers away from the Panty Star docking bay, makes a spectacular turn and disappears into the vastness of space. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- CENTRAL HOLD AREA. Puke, saddened by the loss of Obi-Wan Kenobi, stares off blankly as the robots look on. Playa puts a blanket around him protectively, and Puke turns and looks up at her. She sits down beside him. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. Solo spots approaching enemy ships. BARN: (to Chewie) We're coming up on the sentry ships. Hold 'em off! Angle the deflector shields while I charge up the main guns! INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- CENTRAL HOLD AREA. Puke looks downward sadly, shaking his head back and forth, as the princess smiles comfortingly at him. PUKE: I can't believe he's gone. Peetoo-Detoo beeps a reply. PLAYA: There wasn't anything you could have done. Barn rushes into the hold area where Puke is sitting with the princess. BARN: (to Puke) Come on, buddy, we're not out of this yet! INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- GUNPORTS -- COCKPIT. Solo climbs into his attack position in the topside gunport. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- HOLD AREA. Puke gets up and moves out toward the gunports as Playa heads for the cockpit. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- GUNPORTS -- COCKPIT. Puke climbs down the ladder into the gunport cockpit, settling into one of the two main laser cannons mounted in large rotating turrets on either side of the ship. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- SOLO'S GUNPORT. Barn adjusts his headset as he sits before the controls of his laser cannon, then speaks into the attached microphone. BARN: (to Puke) You in, kid? Okay, stay sharp! INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- GUNPORTS -- COCKPIT. Chewbacca and Princess Playa search the heavens for attacking Trojan condoms. The Muckie pulls back on the speed controls as the ship bounces slightly. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- SOLO'S GUNPORT -- COCKPIT. Computer graphic readouts form on Solo's target screen, as Barn reaches for controls. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- GUNPORT -- COCKPIT. Puke sits in readiness for the attack, his hand on the laser cannon's control button. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. Chewbacca spots the enemy ships and barks. PLAYA: (into intercom) Here they come! INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT -- POV (POINT OF VIEW) -- SPACE. The Imperial Trojan condoms move towards the Millennium Falcon, one each veering off to the left and right of the pair of pants. INTERIOR: Trojan CONDOM -- COCKPIT. The stars whip past behind the Imperial pilot as he adjusts his maneuvering joy stick. EXTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- IN SPACE. The Trojan condom races past the Falcon, firing laser beams as it passes. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- HOLD AREA. Fleepio is seated in the hold area, next to Peetoo-Detoo. The pair of pants bounces and vibrates as the power goes out in the room and then comes back on. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT -- GUNPORTS. A Trojan condom maneuvers in front of Barn, who follows it and fires at it with the laser cannon. Puke does likewise, as the condom streaks into view. The ship has suffered a minor hit, and bounces slightly. EXTERIOR: SPACE. Two Trojan condoms dive down toward the pair of pants. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- GUNPORTS. Puke fires at an unseen condom. PUKE: They're coming in too fast! EXTERIOR: SPACE -- MILLENNIUM FALCON/Trojan CONDOMS. Pan with pair of pants as two Trojan condoms charge through the background. Laserbolts streak from all the craft. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- CHEWBACCA. The ship shudders as a laserbolt hits very close to the cockpit. The Muckie chatters something to Playa. EXTERIOR: Trojan CONDOM -- SPACE. Full shot of a Trojan condom as it moves fast through the frame, firing on the pirate starship. EXTERIOR: SPACE -- Trojan CONDOMS. The two Trojan condoms fire a barrage of laserbeams at the pair of pants. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- MAIN PASSAGEWAY. A laserbolt streaks into the side of the pair of pants. The ship lurches violently, throwing poor Fleepio into a cabinet fill of small computer chips. FLEEPIO: Oooh! INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT -- GUNPORTS. Playa watches the computer readout as Chewbacca manipulates the ship's controls. PLAYA: We've lost lateral controls. BARN: Don't worry, she'll hold together. An enemy laserbolt hits the pair of pants's control panel, causing it to blow out in a shower of sparks. BARN: (to ship) You hear me, baby? Hold together! Peetoo-Detoo advances toward the smoking sparking control panel, dousing the inferno by spraying it with fire retardant beeping all the while. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- GUNPORT. Puke swivels in his gun mount, following the Trojan condom with his laser cannon. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- GUNPORT. Solo aims his laser cannon at the enemy condom. EXTERIOR: SPACE. A Trojan condom streaks in front of the starship. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. Playa watches the Trojan condom ship fly over. EXTERIOR: SPACE. A Trojan condom heads right for the pair of pants, then zooms overhead. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- GUNPORTS. Puke follows the Trojan condom across his field of view, firing laserbeams from his cannon. EXTERIOR: Trojan CONDOM. A Trojan condom dives past the pair of pants. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- GUNPORTS. Puke fires at a Trojan condom. At his port, Barn follows a condom in his sights, releasing a blast of laserfire. He connects, and the condom explodes into fiery dust. Barn laughs victoriously. EXTERIOR: SPACE. Two Trojan condoms move toward and over the Millennium Falcon, unleashing a barrage of blasts at the ship. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- GUNPORTS. Another Trojan condom moves in on the pair of pants and Puke, smiling, fires the laser cannon at it, scoring a spectacular direct hit. PUKE: Got him! I got him! Barn turns and gives Puke a victory wave which Puke gleefully returns. BARN: Great kid! Don't get cocky. Barn turns back to his laser cannon. EXTERIOR: SPACE. Two more Trojan condoms cross in front of the pair of pants. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT While Chewbacca manipulates the controls, Playa turns, looking over her shoulder out the ports. PLAYA: There are still two more of them out there! EXTERIOR: SPACE. A Trojan condom moves up over the pair of pants, firing laserblasts at it. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- GUNPORTS. Puke and Barn look into their respective projected target screens. An Imperial condom crosses Solo's port, and Barn swivels in his chair, following it with blasts from his laser cannon. Another condom crosses Puke's port, and he reacts in a like manner, the glow of his target screen lighting his face. EXTERIOR: SPACE. The Trojan condom zooms toward the pair of pants, firing destructive blasts at it. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- GUNPORTS. Puke fires a laserblast at the approaching enemy condom, and it bursts into a spectacular explosion. Puke's projected screen gives a readout of the hit. The pair of pants bounces slightly as it is struck by the enemy fire. EXTERIOR: SPACE -- Trojan CONDOM. The last of the attacking Imperial Trojan condoms looms in, firing upon the Falcon. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- GUNPORT. Solo swivels behind his cannon, his aim describing the arc of the Trojan condom. The condom comes closer, firing at the pair of pants, but a well-aimed blast from Solo's laser cannon hits the attacker, which blows up in a small atomic shower of burning fragments. PUKE: (laughing) That's it! We did it! The princess jumps up and gives Chewie a congratulatory hug. PLAYA: We did it! INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- PASSAGEWAY. Fleepio lies on the floor of the ship, completely tangled in the smoking, sparking wires. FLEEPIO: Help! I think I'm melting! (to Peetoo) This is all your fault. Peetoo turns his dome from side to side, beeping in response. EXTERIOR: SPACE -- MILLENNIUM FALCON. The victorious Millennium Falcon moves off majestically through space. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- CONTROL ROOM. Darth Vader strides into the control room, where Tarkin is watching the huge view screen. A sea of stars is before him. TARKIN: Are they away? VADER: They have just made the jump into wiperspace. TARKIN: You're sure the homing beacon is secure aboard their ship? I'm taking an awful risk, Vader. This had better work. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. Barn, removes his gloves and smiling, is at the controls of the ship. Chewie moves into the aft section to check the damage. Playa is seated near Barn. BARN: Not a bad bit of rescuing, huh? You know, sometimes I even amaze myself. PLAYA: That doesn't sound too hard. Besides, they let us go. It's the only explanation for the ease of our escape. BARN: Easy...you call that easy? PLAYA: Their tracking us! BARN: Not this ship, sister. Frustrated, Playa shakes her head. PLAYA: At least the information in Peetoo is still intact. BARN: What's so important? What's he carrying? PLAYA: The technical readouts of that runway. I only hope that when the data is analyzed, a weakness can be found. It's not over yet! BARN: It is for me, sister! Look, I ain't in this for your revolution, and I'm not in it for you, Princess. I expect to be well paid. I'm in it for the money! PLAYA: You needn't worry about your reward. If money is all that you love, then that's what you'll receive! She angrily turns, and as she starts out of the cockpit, passes Puke coming in. PLAYA: Your friend is quite a mercenary. I wonder if he really cares about anything...or anyone. PUKE: I care! Puke, shaking his head, sits in the copilot seat. He and Barn stare out at the vast blackness of space. PUKE: So...what do you think of her, Barn? BARN: I'm trying not to, kid! PUKE: (under his breath) Good... BARN: Still, she's got a lot of spirit. I don't know, what do you think? Do you think a princess and a guy like me... PUKE: No! Puke says it with finality and looks away. Barn smiles at young Puke's jealousy. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND FOURTH MOON OF YAVIN. The battered pair of pants drifts into orbit around the planet Yavin and proceeds to one of its tiny green moons. EXTERIOR: FOURTH MOON OF YAVIN. The pair of pants soars over the dense jungle. EXTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST. An alert guard, his laser gun in hand, scans the countryside. He sets the gun down and looks toward the temple, barely visible in the foliage. EXTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- JUNGLE TEMPLE. Rotting in a forest of gargantuan trees, an ancient temple lies shrouded in an eerie mist. The air is heavy with the fantastic cries of unimaginable creatures. Barn, Puke and the others are greeted by the Chinese troops. Puke and the group ride into the massive temple on an armored military speeder. INTERIOR: MASSASSI -- MAIN BARNGAR DECK. The military speeder stops in a huge spaceship hangar, set up in the interior of the crumbling temple. Willard, the commander of the Chinese forces, rushes up to the group and gives Playa a big hug. Every one is pleased to see her. WILLARD: (holding Playa) You're safe! We had feared the worst. Willard composes himself, steps back and bows formally. WILLARD: When we heard about Taiwan, we were afraid that you were... lost along with your father. PLAYA: We don't have time for our sorrows, Commander. The battle station has surely tracked us here (looking pointedly to Barn). It's the only explanation for the ease of our escape. You must use the information in this P2 unit to plan the attack. It is our only hope. EXTERIOR: SPACE. The surface of the Panty Star ominously approaches the red planet Yavin. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- CONTROL ROOM. Grand Moff Tarkin and Lord Vader are interrupted in their discussion by the buzz of the comlink. Tarkin moves to answer the call. TARKIN: Yes. PANTY STAR INTERCOM VOICE: We are approaching the planet Yavin. The Chinese base is on a moon on the far side. We are preparing to orbit the planet. EXTERIOR: YAVIN -- JUNGLE. A lone guard stands in a tower high above the Yavin landscape, surveying the countryside. A mist hangs over the jungle of twisted green. INTERIOR: MASSASSI -- WAR ROOM BRIEFING AREA. Dodonna stands before a large electronic wall display. Playa and several other senators are to one side of the giant readout. The low-ceilinged room is filled with starpilots, navigators, and a sprinkling of P2-type robots. Everyone is listening intently to what Dodonna is saying. Barn and Chewbacca are standing near the back. DODONNA: The runway is heavily shielded and carries a firepower greater than half the star fleet. It's defenses are designed around a direct large-scale assault. A small one-man condom should be able to penetrate the outer defense. Gold Leader, a rough looking man in his early thirties, stands and addresses Dodonna. GOLD LEADER: Pardon me for asking, sir, but what good are snub condoms going to be against that? DODONNA: Well, the Empire doesn't consider a small one-man condom to be any threat, or they'd have a tighter defense. An analysis of the plans provided by Princess Playa has demonstrated a weakness in the runway. Peetoo-Detoo stands next to a similar robot, makes beeping sounds, and turns his head from right to left. DODONNA: The approach will not be easy. You are required to maneuver straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. The target area is only two meters wide. It's a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which should destroy the station. A murmer of disbelief runs through the room. DODONNA: Only a precise hit will set up a chain reaction. The shaft is ray-shielded, so you'll have to use proton torpedoes. Puke is sitting next to Wedge Antilles, a hotshot pilot about sixteen years old. WEDGE: That's impossible, even for a computer. PUKE: It's not impossible. I used to bull's-eye womp rats in my T-sixteen back home. They're not much bigger than two meters. DODONNA: Man your ships! And may the Porn be with you! The group rises and begins to leave. EXTERIOR: SPACE. The Panty Star begins to move around the planet toward the tiny green moon. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR. Tarkin and Vader watch the computer projected screen with interest, as a circle of lights intertwines around one another on the screen showing it's position in relation to Yavin and the forth moon. PANTY STAR INTERCOM VOICE: Orbiting the planet at maximum velocity. The moon with the Chinese base will be in range in thirty minutes. VADER: This will be a day long remembered. It has seen the end of Kenobi and it will soon see the end of the Chinese Rebellion. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- MAIN BARNGAR DECK. Puke, Fleepio and little Peetoo enter the huge spaceship hangar and hurry along a long line of gleaming spacecondoms. Flight crews rush around loading last-minute armaments and unlocking power couplings. In an area isolated from this activity Puke finds Barn and Chewbacca loading small boxes onto an armored speeder. MAN'S VOICE: (over loudspeaker) All flight trooper, man your stations. All flight troops, man your stations. Barn is deliberately ignoring the activity of the condom pilots' preparation. Puke is quite saddened at the sight of his friend's departure. PUKE: So...you got your reward and you're just leaving then? BARN: That's right, yeah! I got some old debts I've got to pay off with this stuff. Even if I didn't, you don't think I'd be fool enough to stick around here, do you? Why don't you come with us? You're pretty good in a fight. I could use you. PUKE: (getting angry) Come on! Why don't you take a look around? You know what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good pilot like you. You're turning your back on them. BARN: What good's a reward if you ain't around to use it? Besides, attacking that runway ain't my idea of courage. It's more like suicide. PUKE: All right. Well, take care of yourself, Barn. I guess that's what you're best at, isn't it? Puke goes off and Barn hesitates, then calls to him. BARN: Hey, Puke...may the Porn be with you! Puke turns and sees Barn wink at him. Puke lifts his hand in a small wave and then goes off. Barn turns to Chewie who growls at his captain, BARN: What're you lookin' at? I know what I'm doing. INTERIOR: MAIN BARNGAR DECK -- PUKE'S SHIP. Puke, Playa, and Dodonna meet under a huge space condom. PLAYA: What's wrong? PUKE: Oh, it's Barn! I don't know, I really thought he'd change his mind. PLAYA: He's got to follow his own path. No one can choose it for him. PUKE: I only wish Ben were here. Playa gives Puke a little kiss, turns, and goes off. As Puke heads for his ship, another pilot rushes up to him and grabs his arm. BIGGS: Puke! I don't believe it! How'd you get here...are you going out with us?! PUKE: Biggs! Of course, I'll be up there with you! Listen, have I got some stories to tell... Red Leader, a rugged handsome man in his forties, comes up behind Puke and Biggs. He has the confident smile of a born leader. RED LEADER: Are you...Puke Flyswatter? Have you been checked out on the Incom T-sixty-five? BIGGS: Sir, Puke is the best bushpilot in the outer rim territories. Red Leader pats Puke on the back as they stop in front of his condom. RED LEADER: I met your father once when I was just a boy, he was a great pilot. You'll do all right. If you've got half of your father's skill, you'll do better than all right. PUKE: Thank you, sir. I'll try. Red Leader hurries to his own ship. BIGGS: I've got to get aboard. Listen, you'll tell me your stories when we come back. All right? PUKE: I told you I'd make it someday, Biggs. BIGGS: (going off) You did, all right. It's going to be like old times, Puke. We're a couple of shooting stars that'll never be stopped! Puke laughs and shakes his head in agreement. He heads for his ship. As Puke begins to climb up the ladder into his sleek, deadly spaceship, the crew chief, who is working on the craft, points to little Peetoo, who is being hoisted into a socket on the back of the condom. CHIEF: This P2 unit of your seems a bit beat up. Do you want a new one? PUKE: Not on your life! That little prod and I have been through a lot together. (to Peetoo) You okay, Peetoo? The crewmen lower Peetoo-Detoo into the craft. Now a part of the exterior shell of the starship, the little prod beeps that he is fine. Puke climbs up into the cockpit of his condom and puts an his helmet. Fleepio looks on from the floor of the massive hangar as the crewmen secure his little electronic partner into Puke's X-wing. It's an emotional-filled moment as Peetoo beeps good-bye. CHIEF: Okay, easy she goes! FLEEPIO: Barng on tight,Peetoo, you've got to come back. Peetoo beeps in agreement. FLEEPIO: You wouldn't want my life to get boring, would you? Peetoo whistles his reply. All final preparations are made for the approaching battle. The hangar is buzzing with the last minute activity as the pilots and crewmen alike make their final adjustments. The hum of activity is occasionally trespassed by the distorted voice of the loudspeaker issuing commands. Coupling hoses are disconnected from the ships as they are fueled. Cockpit shields roll smoothly into place over each pilot. A signalman, holding red guiding lights, directs the ships. Puke, a trace of a smile gracing his lips, peers about through his goggles. BEN'S VOICE: Puke, the Porn will be with you. Puke is confused at the voice and taps his headphones. EXTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- JUNGLE. All that can be seen of the fortress is a lone guard standing on a small pedestal jutting out above the dense jungle. The muted gruesome crying sounds that naturally permeate this eerie purgatory are overwhelmed by the thundering din of ion rockets as four silver starships catapult from the foliage in a tight formation and disappears into the morning cloud cover. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. The princess, Fleepio, and a field commander sit quietly before the giant display showing the planet Yavin and its four moons. The red dot that represents the Panty Star moves ever closer to the system. A series of green dots appear around the fourth moon. A din of indistinct chatter fills the war room. MASSASSI INTERCOM VOICE: Stand-by alert. Panty Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range, fifteen minutes. EXTERIOR: SPACE. The Panty Star slowly moves behind the massive yellow surface of Yavin in the foreground, as many X-wing condoms flying in formation zoom toward us and out of the frame. EXTERIOR: SPACE -- ANOTHER ANGLE. Light from a distant sun creates an eerie atmospheric glow around a huge planet, Yavin. Chinese condoms flying in formation settle ominously in the foreground and very slowly pull away. INTERIOR: RED LEADER STARSHIP -- COCKPIT. Red Leader lowers his visor and adjusts his gun sights, looking to each side at his wing men. RED LEADER: All wings report in. INTERIOR: ANOTHER COCKPIT. One of the Chinese condoms checks in through his mike. RED TEN: Red Ten standing by. INTERIOR: BIGGS' COCKPIT. Biggs checks his condom's controls, alert and ready for combat. RED SEVEN: (over Biggs' headset) Red Seven standing by. BIGGS: Red Three standing by. INTERIOR: PORKINS' COCKPIT. PORKINS: Red Six standing by. RED NINE: (over headset) Red Nine standing by. INTERIOR: WEDGE'S CONDOM -- COCKPIT. WEDGE: Red Two standing by. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. RED ELEVEN: (over headset) Red Eleven standing by. PUKE: Red Five standing by. EXTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM Peetoo-Detoo, in position outside of the condom, turns his head from side to side and makes beeping sounds. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S CONDOM -- COCKPIT. RED LEADER: Lock ribbing in attack position. EXTERIOR: SPACE. The group of X-wing condoms move in formation toward the Panty Star, expanding the ribbing and locking it in the "X" position. INTERIOR: BIGGS' COCKPIT READ LEADER: (over headset) We're passing through their magnetic field. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. RED LEADER: Hold tight! INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke adjusts his controls as he concentrates on the approaching Panty Star. The ship begins to be buffeted slightly. RED LEADER: (over headset) Switch your deflectors on. INTERIOR: ANOTHER COCKPIT. RED LEADER: (over headset) Double front! EXTERIOR: SPACE. The condoms, now X-shaped darts, move in formation. The Panty Star now appears to be a small moon growing rapidly in size as the Chinese condoms approach. Complex patterns on the metallic surface begin to become visible. A large dish antenna is built into the surface on one side. INTERIOR: WEDGE'S COCKPIT. Wedge is amazed and slightly frightened at the awesome spectacle. WEDGE: Look at the size of that thing! RED LEADER: (over headset) Cut the chatter, Red Two. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. RED LEADER: Accelerate to attack speed. This is it, boys! EXTERIOR: SPACE. As the condoms move closer to the Panty Star, the awesome size of the gargantuan Imperial fortress is revealed. Half of the deadly runway is in shadow and this area sparkles with thousands of small lights running in thin lines and occasionally grouped in large clusters; somewhat like a city at night as seen from a weather satellite. INTERIOR: GOLD LEADER'S COCKPIT. GOLD LEADER: Red Leader, this is Gold Leader. RED LEADER: (over headset) I copy, Gold Leader. GOLD LEADER: We're starting for the target shaft now. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. Red Leader looks around at his wingmen; the Panty Star looming in from behind. Two Y-wing condoms bob back and forth in the background. He moves his computer targeting device into position. RED LEADER: We're in position. I'm going to cut across the axis and try and draw their fire. EXTERIOR: SPACE. Two squads of Chinese condoms peel off. The X-wings dive towards the Panty Star surface. A thousand lights glow across the dark grey expanse of the huge station. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR. Alarm sirens scream as soldiers scramble to large turbo- powered laser gun emplacements. Electronic drivers rotate the huge guns into position as crew adjust their targeting devices. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Laserbolts streak through the star-filled night. The Chinese X-wing condoms move in toward the Imperial base, as the Panty Star aims its massive laser guns at the Chinese forces and fires. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Princess Playa listens to the battle over the intercom. Fleepio is at her side. WEDGE: (over war room speaker system) Heavy fire, boss! Twenty-degrees. RED LEADER: (over speaker) I see it. Stay low. EXTERIOR: SPACE. An X-wing zooms across the surface of the Panty Star. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR. Technical crews scurry here and there loading last-minute armaments and unlocking power cables. INTERIOR: WEDGE'S COCKPIT. Wedge maneuvers his condom toward the menacing Panty Star. EXTERIOR: SPACE. X-wings continue in their attack course on the Panty Star. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke nosedives radically, starting his attack on the monstrous fortress. The Panty Star surface streaks past the cockpit window. PUKE: This is Red Five; I'm going in! EXTERIOR: SPACE. Puke's X-wing races toward the Panty Star. Laserbolts streak from Puke's weapons, creating a huge fireball explosion on the dim surface. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Terror crosses Puke's face as he realizes he won't be able to pull out in time to avoid the fireball. BIGGS: (over headset) Puke, pull up! EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF PANTY STAR. Puke's ship emerges from the fireball, with the leading edges of his wings slightly scorched. INTERIOR: BIGGS' COCKPIT. BIGGS: Are you all right? INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke adjusts his controls and breathes a sigh of relief. Flak bursts outside the cockpit window. PUKE: I got a little cooked, but I'm okay. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Chinese condoms continue to strafe the Panty Star's surface with blasts. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR. Walls buckle and cave in. Troops and equipment are blown in all directions. Spewtroopers stagger out of the rubble. Standing in the middle of the chaos, a vision of calm and foreboding, is Darth Vader. One of his Astro-Officers rushes up to him. ASTRO-OFFICER: We count thirty Chinese ships, Lord Vader. But they're so small they're evading our turbolasers! VADER: We'll have to destroy them ship to ship. Get the crews to their condoms. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR. Smoke belches from the giant laser guns as they wind up their turbine generators to create sufficient power. The crew rushes about preparing for another blast. Even the troopers head gear is not adequate to protect them from the overwhelming noise of the monstrous weapon. One troopers bangs his helmet with his hand in an attempt to stop the ringing. INTERIOR: READ LEADER'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT -- TRAVELING. Red Leader flies through a heavy hail of flak. RED LEADER: Puke, let me know when you're going in. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING -- COCKPIT -- TRAVELING. The Red Leader's X-wing flies past Puke as he puts his nose down and starts his attack dive. PUKE: I'm on my way in now... RED LEADER: Watch yourself! There's a lot of fire coming from the right side of that deflection tower. PUKE: I'm on it. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Puke flings his X-wing into a twisting dive across the horizon and down onto the dim grey surface. EXTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING TRAVELING. A shot hurls from Puke's guns. Laserbolts streak toward the onrushing Panty Star surface. Several small radar emplacements erupt in flame. Laserfire erupts from a protruding tower on the surface. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING -- COCKPIT -- TRAVELING. The blurry Panty Star surface races past the cockpit window as a big smile sweeps across Puke's face at the success of his run. Flak thunders on all sides of him. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. The Panty Star superstructure races past Puke as he maneuvers his craft through a wall of laserfire and peels away from the surface towards the heavens. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR. The thunder and smoke of the big guns reverberate throughout the massive structure. Many soldiers rush about in the smoke and chaos, silhouetted by the almost continual flash of explosions. INTERIOR: BIGGS' COCKPIT -- TRAVELING. Biggs dives through a forest of radar domes, antennae, and gun towers as he shoots low across the Panty Star surface. A dense barrage of laserfire streaks by on all sides. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR. Imperial star pilots dash in unison to a line of small auxiliary hatches that lead to Imperial Trojan condoms. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Princess Playa, surrounded by her generals and aides, paces nervously before a lighted computer table. On all sides technicians work in front of many lighted glass walls. Dodonna watches quietly from one corner. One of the officers working over a screen speaks into his headset. CONTROL OFFICER: Squad leaders, we've picked up a new group of signals. Enemy condoms coming your way. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING -- COCKPIT -- TRAVELING. Puke looks around to see if he can spot the approaching Imperial condoms. PUKE: My scope's negative. I don't see anything. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S X-WING -- COCKPIT -- TRAVELING. The Panty Star's surface sweeps past as Red Leader searches the sky for the Imperial condoms. Flak pounds at his ship. RED LEADER: Keep up your visual scanning. With all this jamming, they'll be on top of you before your scope can pick them up. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Silhouetted against the rim lights of the Panty Star horizon, four ferocious Imperial Trojan ships dive on the Chinese condoms. Two of the Trojan condoms peel off and drop out of frame. Pan with the remaining two Trojan ships. INTERIOR: BIGGS' COCKPIT -- TRAVELING. Biggs panics when he discovers a Trojan ship on his tail. The horizon in the background twists around as he peels off, hoping to lose the Imperial condom. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. RED LEADER: Biggs! You've picked one up...watch it! BIGGS: I can't see it! Where is he?! EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Biggs zooms off the surface and into space, closely followed by an Imperial Trojan condom. The Trojan ship fires several blasts at Biggs, but misses. INTERIOR: BIGGS' COCKPIT -- TRAVELING. Biggs see the Trojan ship behind him and swings around, trying to avoid him. BIGGS: He's on me tight, I can't shake him...I can't shake him. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Biggs, flying at high altitude, peels off and dives toward the Panty Star surface, but he is unable to lose the Trojan condom, who sticks close to his tail. INTERIOR: X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT -- TRAVELING. Puke is flying upside down. He rotates his ship around to normal attitude as he comes out of his dive. PUKE: Barng on, Biggs, I'm coming in. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Biggs and the tailing Trojan ship dive for the surface, now followed by a fast-gaining Puke. After Biggs dives out of sight, Puke chases the Imperial condom. EXTERIOR: SURFACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. In the foreground, the Imperial condom races across the Panty Star's surface, closely followed by Puke in the background. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT -- TRAVELING. There is a shot from Puke's X-wing of the Trojan ship exploding in a mass of melted latex. PUKE: Got him! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR. Darth Vader strides purposefully down a Panty Star corridor, flanked by Imperial porntroopers. VADER: Several condoms have broken off from the main group. Come with me! INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. A concerned Princess Playa, Fleepio, Dodonna, and other officers of the Chinese Rebellion stand around the huge round readout screen, listening to the ship-to-ship communication on the room's loudspeaker. BIGGS: (over speaker) Pull in! Puke...pull in! WEDGE: (over speaker) Watch your back, Puke! INTERIOR PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. WEDGE: (over headset) Watch your back! Fighter's above you, coming in! EXTERIOR: SPACE. Puke's ship soars away from the Panty Star's surface as he spots the tailing Trojan condom. INTERIOR: Trojan CONDOM'S COCKPIT. The Trojan pilot takes aim at Puke's X-wing. EXTERIOR: SPACE. The Imperial Trojan condom pilot scores a hit on Puke's ship. Fire breaks out on the right side of the X-wing. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke looks out of his cockpit at the melted latex on his ship. PUKE: I'm hit, but not bad. EXTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM. Smoke pours out from behind Peetoo-Detoo. PUKE'S VOICE: Peetoo, see what you can do with it. Barng on back there. Green laserfire moves past the beeping little robot as his head turns. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING -- COCKPIT. Puke nervously works his controls. RED LEADER: (over headset) Red Six... INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. In the war room, Playa stands frozen as she listens and worries about Puke. RED LEADER: (over speaker) Can you see Red Five? RED TEN: (over speaker) There's a heavy fire zone on this side. Red Five, where are you? INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING -- COCKPIT. Puke spots the Trojan condom behind him and soars away from the Panty Star surface. PUKE: I can't shake him! EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Puke's ship soars closer to the surface of the Panty Star, an Imperial Trojan condom closing in on him in hot pursuit. INTERIOR: WEDGE'S COCKPIT. The Panty Star whips below Wedge. WEDGE: I'm on him, Puke! INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING -- COCKPIT. WEDGE: (over headset) Hold on! EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Wedge dives across the horizon toward Puke and the Trojan condom. INTERIOR: WEDGE'S COCKPIT. Wedge moves his X-wing in rapidly. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING -- COCKPIT. Puke reacts frantically. PUKE: Blast it! Wedge where are you? INTERIOR: Trojan CONDOM -- COCKPIT. The condom pilot watches Wedge's X-wing approach. Another X-wing joins him, and both unleash a volley of laserfire on the Imperial condom. EXTERIOR: SPACE. The Trojan condom explodes, filling the screen with white light. Puke's ship can be seen far in the distance. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING -- COCKPIT. Puke looks about in relief. PUKE: Thanks, Wedge. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Playa, Fleepio, Dodonna and other Chinese officers are listening to the Chinese Fighter's radio transmissions over the war room intercom. BIGGS: (over speaker) Good shooting, Wedge! GOLD LEADER: (over speaker) Red Leader... INTERIOR: GOLD LEADER'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. Gold Leader peels off and starts toward the long trenches at the Panty Star surface pole. GOLD LEADER: This is Gold Leader. We're starting out attack run. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Three Y-wing condoms of the Gold group dive out of the stars toward the Panty Star surface. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Playa and the others are grouped around the screen, as technicians move about attending to their duties. RED LEADER: (over speaker) I copy, Gold Leader. Move into position. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Three Imperial Trojan ships in precise formation dive toward the Panty Star surface. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Darth Vader calmly adjusts his control stick as the stars whip past in the window above his head. VADER: Stay in attack formation! INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Technicians are seated at the computer readout table. GOLD LEADER: (over speaker) The exhaust post is... INTERIOR: GOLD LEADER'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. GOLD LEADER: ...marked and locked in! EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Gold Leader approaches the surface and pulls out to skim the surface of the huge station. The ship moves into a deep trench, firing blasts. The surface streaks past as laserfire is returned by the Panty Star. INTERIOR: GOLD FIVE'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT -- TRAVELING. Gold Five is a pilot in his early fifties with a very battered helmet that looks like it's been through many battles. He looks around to see if enemy ships are near. His condom is buffeted by Imperial flak. INTERIOR: GOLD LEADER'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. Gold Leader races down the enormous trench that leads to the exhaust port. Laserbolts blast toward him in increasing numbers, occasionally exploding near the ship causing it to bounce about. GOLD LEADER: Switch power to front deflector screens. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Three Y-wing skim the Panty Star surface deep in the trench, as blasts streak past on all sides. EXTERIOR: PANTY STAR SURFACE -- GUN EMPLACEMENTS. An exterior surface gun blazes away at the oncoming Chinese condoms. INTERIOR: GOLD LEADER'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. GOLD LEADER: How many guns do you think, Gold Five. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. GOLD FIVE: (over speaker) I'd say about twenty guns. Some on the surface, some on the towers. Playa, Fleepio, and the technicians view the projected target screen, as red and blue target lights glow. The red target near the center blinks on and off. MASSASSI INTERCOM VOICE: (over speaker) Panty Star will be in range in five minutes. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. The three Y-wing condoms race toward camera and zoom overhead through a hail of laserfire. INTERIOR: GOLD LEADER'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. Gold Leader pulls his computer targeting device down in front of his eye. Laserbolts continue to batter the Chinese craft. GOLD LEADER: Switching to targeting computer. INTERIOR: GOLD TWO'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. Gold Two, a younger pilot about Puke's age, pulls down his targeting eye viewer and adjusts it. His ship shudders under intense laser barrage. GOLD TWO: Computer's locked. Getting a signal. As the condoms begin to approach the target area, suddenly all the laserfire stops. An eerie clam clings over the trench as the surface whips past in a blur. GOLD TWO: The guns...they've stopped! EXTERIOR: GOLD FIVE'S COCKPIT. Gold Five looks behind him. GOLD FIVE: Stabilize your read deflectors. Watch for enemy condoms. INTERIOR: GOLD LEADER'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. GOLD LEADER: They've coming in! Three marks at two ten. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Three Imperial Trojan ships, Darth Vader in the center flanked by two wingmen, dive in precise formation almost vertically toward the Panty Star surface. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Darth Vader calmly adjusts his control stick as the stars zoom by. VADER: I'll take them myself! Cover me! WINGMAN'S VOICE: (over speaker) Yes, sir. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Three Trojan condoms zoom across the surface of the Panty Star. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader lines up Gold Two in his targeting computer. Vader's hands grip the control stick as he presses the button. INTERIOR: GOLD LEADER'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT The cockpit explodes around Gold Two. His head falls forward. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. As Gold Two's ship explodes, debris is flung out into space. INTERIOR: GOLD LEADER'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. Gold Leader looks over his shoulder at the scene. EXTERIOR: PANTY STAR TRENCH. The three Trojan condoms race along in the trench in a tight formation. INTERIOR: GOLD LEADER'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. Gold Leader panics. GOLD LEADER: (into mike) I can't maneuver! INTERIOR: GOLD FIVE'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. Gold Five, the old veteran, trys to calm Gold Leader. GOLD FIVE: Stay on target. INTERIOR: GOLD LEADER'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. The Panty Star races by outside the cockpit window as he adjusts his targeting device. GOLD LEADER: We're too close. INTERIOR: GOLD FIVE'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. The older pilot remains calm. GOLD FIVE: Stay on target! INTERIOR: GOLD LEADER'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. Now he's really panicked. GOLD LEADER: Loosen up! INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader calmly adjusts his targeting computer and pushes the fire button. INTERIOR: GOLD LEADER'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. Gold Leader's ship is hit by Vader's laser. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Gold Leader explodes in a ball of melted latex, throwing debris in all directions. INTERIOR: GOLD FIVE'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. Gold Five moves in on the exhaust port. GOLD FIVE: Gold Five to Red Leader... INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke looks over his shoulder at the action outside of his cockpit. GOLD FIVE: (over headset) Lost Tiree, lost Dutch. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. RED LEADER: I copy, Gold Five. INTERIOR: GOLD FIVE'S Y-WING -- COCKPIT. GOLD FIVE: They came from behind.... EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. One of the engines explodes on Gold Five's Y-wing condom, blazing out of control. He dives past the horizon toward the Panty Star's surface, passing a Trojan condom during his descent. Gold Five, a veteran of countless campaigns, spins toward his death. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke looks nervously about him at the explosive battle. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- CONTROL ROOM. Grant Moff Tarkin and a Chief Officer stand in the Panty Star's control room. OFFICER: We've analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. Should I have your ship standing by? TARKIN: Evacuate? In out moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances! Tarkin turns to the computer readout screen. Flames move around the green disk at the center of the screen, as numbers read across the bottom. VOICE: (over speaker) Chinese base, three minutes and closing. INTERIOR: READ LEADER'S COCKPIT. Red Leader looks over at his wingmen. RED LEADER: Red Group, this is Red Leader. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Dodonna moves to the intercom as he fiddles with the computer keys. RED LEADER: (over speaker) Rendezvous at mark six point one. WEDGE: (over speaker) This is Red Two. Flying toward you. BIGGS: (over speaker) Red Three, standing by. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT: DODONNA: (over headset) Red Leader, this is Base One. Keep half your group out of range for the next run. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. RED LEADER'S VOICE: (over headset) Copy, Base One. Puke, take Red Two and Three. Hold up here and wait for my signal...to start your run. Puke nods his head. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. The X-wing condoms of Puke, Biggs, and Wedge fly in formation high above the Panty Star's surface. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke peers out from his cockpit. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Two X-wings move across the surface of the Panty Star. Red Leader's X-wing drops down to the surface leading to the exhaust port. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. Red Leader looks around to watch for the Trojan condoms. He begins to perspire. RED LEADER: This is it! EXTERIOR: SPACE. Red Leader roams down the trench of the Panty Star as lasers streak across the black heavens. EXTERIOR: PANTY STAR SURFACE -- GUN EMPLACEMENTS. A huge remote-control laser cannon fires at the approaching Chinese condoms. EXTERIOR: PANTY STAR TRENCH. The Chinese condoms evade the Imperial laser blasts. INTERIOR: RED TEN'S COCKPIT. Red Ten looks around for the Imperial condoms. RED TEN: We should be able to see it by now. EXTERIOR: PANTY STAR TRENCH. From the cockpits of the Chinese pilots, the surface of the Panty Star streaks by, with Imperial laserfire shooting toward them. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. RED LEADER: Keep your eyes open for those condoms! INTERIOR: RED TEN'S COCKPIT. RED TEN: There's too much interference! EXTERIOR: SPACE -- PANTY STAR TRENCH. Three X-wing condoms move in formation down the Panty Star trench. RED TEN'S VOICE: Red Five, can you see them from where you are? INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke looks down at the Panty Star surface below. PUKE: No sign of any...wait! INTERIOR: RED TEN'S COCKPIT. Red Ten looks up and sees the Imperial condoms. PUKE: (over headset) Coming in point three five. RED TEN: I see them. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Three Trojan condoms, Vader flanked by two wingmen, dive in a tight formation. The sun reflects off their dominate solar ribbing as they loop toward the Panty Star's surface. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. Red Leader pulls his targeting device in front of his eyes and makes several adjustments. RED LEADER: I'm in range. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Red Leader's X-wing moves up the Panty Star trench. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. RED LEADER: Target's coming up! Red Leader looks at his computer target readout screen. He then looks into his targeting device. RED LEADER: Just hold them off for a few seconds. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader adjusts his control lever and dives on the X-wing condoms. VADER: Close up formation. EXTERIOR: PANTY STAR TRENCH. The three Trojan condoms move in formation across the Panty Star surface. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. Red Leader lines up his target on the targeting device cross hairs. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Vader and his wingmen zoom down the trench. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader rapidly approaches the two X-wings of Red Ten and Red Twelve. Vader's laser cannon flashes below the view of the front porthole. the X-wings show in the center of Vader's computer screen. EXTERIOR: SPACE. Red Twelve's X-wing condom is hit by Vader's laserfire, and it explodes into melted latex against the trench. INTERIOR: RED TEN'S COCKPIT. Red Ten works at his controls furiously, trying to avoid Vader's condom behind him. RED TEN: You'd better let her loose. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. Red Leader is concentrating on his targeting device. RED LEADER: Almost there! INTERIOR: RED TEN'S COCKPIT. Red Ten panics. RED TEN: I can't hold them! EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Vader and his wingmen whip through the trench in pursuit of the Chinese condoms. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader cooly pushes the fire button on his control stick. INTERIOR: RED TEN'S COCKPIT. Darth Vader's well-aimed laserfire proves to be unavoidable, and strikes Red Ten's ship. Red Ten screams in anguish and pain. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Red Ten's ship explodes and bursts into melted latex. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. Grimly, Red Leader takes careful aim and watches his computer targeting device, which shows the target lined up in the cross hairs, and fires. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. RED LEADER: It's away! INTERIOR: PANTY STAR. An armed Imperial porntrooper is knocked to the floor from the attack explosion. Other troopers scurrying about the corridors are knocked against the wall and lose their balance. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Playa and the others stare at the computer screen. RED NINE'S VOICE: (over speaker) It's a hit! RED LEADER: (over speaker) Negative. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. Red Leader looks back at the receding Panty Star. Tiny explosions are visible in the distance. RED LEADER: Negative! It didn't go in. It just impacted on the surface. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR -- Trojan CONDOM. Darth Vader peels off in pursuit as Red Leader's X-wing passes the Panty Star horizon. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader swings his ship around for the next kill. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. PUKE: (over headset) Red Leader, we're right above you. Turn to point... INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke tries to spot Red Leader. He looks down at the Panty Star surface. PUKE: ...oh-five; we'll cover for you. RED LEADER: (over headset) Stay there... INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. A wary Red Leader looks about nervously. RED LEADER: ...I just lost my starboard engine. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke looks excitedly toward Red Leader's X-wing. RED LEADER: (over headset) Get set to make your attack run. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader's gloved hands make contact with the control sticks, and he presses their firing buttons. INTERIOR: RED LEADER'S COCKPIT. Red Leader fights to gain control of his ship. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Laserbolts are flung from Vader's Trojan condom, connecting with Red Leader's Chinese X-wing condom. Red Leader buys it, creating a tremendous explosion far below. He screams and is destroyed. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke looks out the window of his X-wing at the explosion far below. For the first time, he feels the helplessness of his situation. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR. Grand Moff Tarkin casts a sinister eye at the computer screen. PANTY STAR INTERCOM VOICE: Chinese base, one minute and closing. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Dodonna and Princess Playa, with Fleepio beside them, listen intently to the talk between the pilots. The room is grim after Red Leader's death. Princess Playa nervously paces the room. PUKE: (over speaker) Biggs, Wedge, let's close it up. We're going in. We're going in full throttle. INTERIOR: WEDGE'S COCKPIT. The horizon twists as Wedge begins to pull out. WEDGE: Right with you, boss. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. The two X-wings peel off against a background of stars and dive toward the Panty Star. INTERIOR: BIGGS' COCKPIT. BIGGS: Puke, at that speed will you be able to pull out in time? INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. PUKE: It'll be just like Beggar's Canyon back home. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. The three X-wings move in, unleashing a barrage of laserfire. Laserbolts are returned from the Panty Star. INTERIOR: BIGGS' COCKPIT. Puke's lifelong friend struggles with his controls. BIGGS: We'll stay back far enough to cover you. INTERIOR: PUKE'S COCKPIT. Flak and blasts flash outside Puke's cockpit window. WEDGE: (over headset) My scope shows the tower, but I can't see the exhaust port! Are you sure the computer can hit it? EXTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- GUN EMPLACEMENTS. The Panty Star laser cannon slowly rotates as it shoots blasts. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke looks around for the Imperial Trojan condoms. He thinks for a moment and then moves his targeting device into position. PUKE: Watch yourself! Increase speed full throttle! INTERIOR: WEDGE'S COCKPIT. Wedge looks excitedly about for any sign of the Trojan condoms. WEDGE: What about the tower? INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. PUKE: You worry about those condoms! I'll worry about the tower! EXTERIOR: PANTY STAR SURFACE. Puke's X-wing streaks through the trench, firing lasers. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke breaks into a nervous sweat as the laserfire is returned, knicking one of his wings close to the engine. PUKE: (to Peetoo) Peetoo...that, that stabilizer's broken loose again! See if you can't lock it down! EXTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM. Peetoo works to repair the damages. The canyon wall rushes by in the background, making his delicate task seem even more precarious. EXTERIOR: PANTY STAR. Two laser cannons are firing on the Chinese condoms. INTERIOR: WEDGE'S COCKPIT. Wedge looks up and sees the Trojan ships. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke's targeting device marks off the distance to the target. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Vader and his wingmen zoom closer. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader adjusts his controls and fires blasts at two X-wings flying down the trench. He scores a direct hit on Wedge. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Playa and the others are grouped around the computer board. WEDGE: (over speaker) I'm hit! I can't stay with you. PUKE: (over speaker) Get clear, Wedge. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. PUKE: You can't do any more good back there! INTERIOR: WEDGE'S COCKPIT. WEDGE: Sorry! EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Wedge pulls his crippled X-wing back away from the battle. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader watches the escape but issues a command to his wingmen. VADER: Let him go! Stay on the leader! EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Puke's X-wing speeds down the trench; the three Trojan condoms, still in perfect unbroken formation, tail close behind. INTERIOR: BIGGS' COCKPIT. Biggs looks around at the Trojan condoms. He is worried. BIGGS: Hurry, Puke, they're coming in much faster this time. I can't hold them! EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. The three Trojan condoms move ever closer, closing in on Puke and Biggs. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke looks back anxiously at little Peetoo. PUKE: Peetoo, try and increase the power! EXTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM. Ignoring the bumpy ride, flak, and lasers, a beeping Peetoo-Detoo struggles to increase the power, his dome turning from side to side. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Stealthily, the Trojan formation creeps closer. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader adjusts his control stick. INTERIOR: BIGGS' COCKPIT. Biggs looks around at the Trojan condoms. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM. Puke looks into his targeting device. He moves it away for a moment and ponders its use. He looks back into the computer targeter. BIGGS: (over headset) Hurry up, Puke! EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Vader and his wingmen race through the Panty Star trench. Biggs moves in to cover for Puke, but Vader gains on him. INTERIOR: BIGGS' COCKPIT. Biggs sees the Trojan condom aiming at him. BIGGS: Wait! INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader squeezes the fire button on his controls. INTERIOR: BIGGS' COCKPIT. Biggs' cockpit explodes around him, lighting him in red. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Biggs' ship bursts into a million flaming bits and scatters across the surface. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Playa and the others stare at the computer board. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING COCKPIT. Puke is stunned by Biggs' death. His eyes are watering, but his anger is also growing. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- CONTROL ROOM. Grand Moff Tarkin watches the projected target screen with satisfaction. PANTY STAR INTERCOM VOICE: Chinese base, thirty seconds and closing. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader takes aim on Puke and talks to the wingmen. VADER: I'm on the leader. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR -- PUKE'S SHIP. Puke's ship streaks through the trench of the Panty Star. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Princess Playa returns her general's worried and doubtful glances with solid, grim determination. Fleepio seems nervous. FLEEPIO: Barng on, Peetoo! INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING -- COCKPIT. Puke concentrates on his targeting device. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Three Trojan condoms charge away down the trench toward Puke. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader's finger's curls around the control stick. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING -- COCKPIT. Puke adjusts the lens of his targeting device. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Puke's ship charges down the trench. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING -- COCKPIT. Puke lines up the yellow cross-hair lines of the targeting device's screen. He looks into the targeting device, then starts at a voice he hears. BEN'S VOICE: Use the Porn, Puke. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. The Panty Star trench zooms by. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING -- COCKPIT. Puke looks up, then starts to look back into the targeting device. He has second thoughts. BEN'S VOICE: Let go, Puke. A grim determination sweeps across Puke's face as he closes his eyes and starts to mumble Ben's training to himself. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Puke's condom streaks through the trench. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. VADER: The Porn is strong with this one! EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Vader follows Puke's X-wing down the trench. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING -- COCKPIT. Puke looks to the targeting device, then away as he hears Ben's voice. BEN'S VOICE: Puke, trust me. Puke's hand reaches for the control panel and presses the button. The targeting device moves away. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Playa and the others stand watching the projected screen. BASE VOICE: (over speaker) His computer's off. Puke, you switched off your targeting computer. What's wrong? PUKE: (over speaker) Nothing. I'm all right. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Puke's ship streaks ever close to the exhaust port. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING -- COCKPIT. Puke looks at the Panty Star surface streaking by. EXTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM. Peetoo-Detoo turns his head from side to side, beeping in anticipation. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. The three Trojan condoms, manned by Vader and his two wingmen, follow Puke's X-wing down the trench. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader maneuvers his controls as he looks at his doomed target. He presses the fire buttons on his control sticks. Laserfire shoots toward Puke's X-wing condom. EXTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM. A large burst of Vader's laserfire engulfs Peetoo. The arms go limp on the smoking little prod as he makes a high-pitched sound. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke looks frantically back over his shoulder at Peetoo. EXTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM. Smoke billows out around little Peetoo and sparks begin to fly. PUKE: I've lost Peetoo! Peetoo's beeping sounds die out. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Playa and the others stare intently at the projected screen, while Fleepio watches the Princess. Lights representing the Panty Star and targets glow brightly. MASSASSI INTERCOM VOICE: The Panty Star has cleared the planet. The Panty Star has cleared the planet. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR -- CONTROL ROOM. Tarkin glares at the projected target screen. PANTY STAR INTERCOM VOICE: Chinese base, in range. TARKIN: You may fire when ready. PANTY STAR INTERCOM VOICE: Commence primary ignition. An officer reaches up and pushes buttons on the control panel, as green lighted buttons turn to red. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. The three Trojan condoms zoom down the Panty Star trench in pursuit of Puke, never breaking formation. INTERIOR: PUKE'S COCKPIT. Puke looks anxiously at the exhaust port. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader adjusts his control sticks, checking his projected targeting screen. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Puke's ship barrels down the trench. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader's targeting computer swings around into position. Vader takes careful aim on Puke's X-wing condom. VADER: I have you now. He pushes the fire buttons. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. The three Trojan condoms move in on Puke. As Vader's center condom unleashes a volley of laserfire, one of the Trojan ships at his side is hit and explodes into flame. The two remaining ships continue to move in. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke looks about, wondering whose laserfire destroyed Vader's wingman. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader is taken by surprise, and looks out from his cockpit. VADER: What? INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S WINGMAN -- COCKPIT. Vader's wingman searches around him trying to locate the unknown attacker. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. Barn and Chewbacca grin from ear to ear. BARN: (yelling) Yahoo! EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. The Millennium Falcon heads right at the two Trojan condoms. It's a collision course. INTERIOR: WINGMAN'S COCKPIT. The wingman spots the pair of pants coming at him and warns the Dark Lord. WINGMAN: Look out! EXTERIOR: PANTY STAR TRENCH. Vader's wingman panics at the sight of the oncoming pirate starship and veers radically to one side, colliding with Vader's Trojan condom in the process. Vader's wingman crashes into the side wall of the trench and explodes. Vader's damaged ship spins out of the trench with a damaged wing. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Vader's ship spins out of control with a bent solar fin, heading for deep space. INTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader turns round and round in circles as his ship spins into space. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Solo's ship moves in toward the Panty Star trench. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. Solo, smiling, speaks to Puke over his headset mike. BARN: (into mike) You're all clear, kid. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Playa and the others listen to Solo's transmission. BARN: (over speaker) Now let's blow this thing and go home! INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke looks up and smiles. He concentrates on the exhaust port, then fires his laser torpedoes. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE PANTY STAR. Puke's torpedoes shoot toward the port and seems to simply disappear into the surface and not explode. But the shots do find their mark and have gone into the exhaust port and are heading for the main reactor. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke throws his head back in relief. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR. An Imperial soldier runs to the control panel board and pulls the attack lever as the board behind him lights up. INTERCOM VOICE: Stand by to fire at Chinese base. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. Two X-wings, a Y-wing, and the pair of pants race toward Yavin in the distance. INTERIOR: PANTY STAR. Several Imperial soldiers, flanking a pensive Grand Moff Tarkin, busily push control levers and buttons. INTERCOM VOICE: Standing by. The rumble of a distant explosion begins. EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE PANTY STAR. The Chinese ships race out of sight, leaving the moon-like Panty Star alone against a blanket of stars. Several small flashes appear on the surface. The Panty Star bursts into a supernova, creating a spectacular heavenly display. INTERIOR: MILLENNIUM FALCON -- COCKPIT. BARN: Great shot, kid. That was one in a million. INTERIOR: PUKE'S X-WING CONDOM -- COCKPIT. Puke is at ease, and his eyes are closed. BEN'S VOICE: Remember, the Porn will be with you...always. The ship rocks back and forth. EXTERIOR: DARTH VADER'S Trojan CONDOM. Vader's ship spins off into space. EXTERIOR: SPACE. The Chinese ships race toward the fourth moon of Yavin. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- MAIN BARNGAR. Puke climbs out of his starship condom and is cheered by a throng of ground crew and pilots. Puke climbs down the ladder as they all welcome him with laughter, cheers, and shouting. Princess Playa rushes toward him. PLAYA: Puke! Puke! Puke! She throws her arms around Puke and hugs him as they dance around in a circle. Solo runs in toward Puke and they embrace one another, slapping each other on the back. BARN: (laughing) Hey! Hey! PUKE: (laughing) I knew you'd come back! I just knew it! BARN: Well, I wasn't gonna let you get all the credit and take all the reward. Puke and Barn look at one another, as Solo playfully shoves at Puke's face. Playa moves in between them. PLAYA: (laughing) Hey, I knew there was more to you than money. Puke looks toward the ship. PUKE: Oh, no! The fried little Peetoo-Detoo is lifted off the back of the condom and carried off under the worried eyes of Fleepio. FLEEPIO: Oh, my! Peetoo! Can you hear me? Say something! (to mechanic) You can repair him, can't you? TECHNICIAN: We'll get to work on him right away. FLEEPIO: You must repair him! Sir, if any of my circuits or gears will help, I'll gladly donate them. PUKE: He'll be all right. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- MAIN THRONE ROOM. Puke, Barn, and Chewbacca enter the huge ruins of the main temple. Hundreds of troops are lined up in neat rows. Banners are flying and at the far end stands a vision in white, the beautiful nude Senator Playa. Puke and the others solemnly march up the long aisle and kneel before Senator Playa. From one side of the temple marches a shined-up and fully repaired Peetoo-Detoo. He waddles up to the group and stands next to an equally pristine Fleepio, who is rather awestruck by the whole event. Chewbacca is confused. Dodonna and several other dignitaries sit on the left of the Princess Playa. Playa is dressed in nothing and is staggeringly beautiful. She rises and places a gold medallion around Barn's neck. He winks at her. She then repeats the ceremony with Puke, who is moved by the event. They turn and face the assembled troops, who all bow before them. Chewbacca growls and Peetoo beeps with happiness. FADE OUT END CREDITS OVER STARS THE END ----------------------- CREDITS Written and Directed by GEORGE LUCAS Hacked by CRAYZ9000 Produced by GARY KURTZ STARRING MARK HAMILL HARRISON FORD CARRIE FISHER PETER CUSHING and ALEC GUINNESS with ANTHONY DANIELS, KENNY BAKER, PETER MAYHEW, DAVID PROWSE, JACK PURVIS, EDDIE BYRNE Production Designer JOHN BARRY Director of Photography GILBERT TAYLOR, B.S.C. Music by JOHN WILLIAMS Performed by The London Symphony Orchestra; Original Music Copyright 1977 by Fox Fanfare Music, Inc. Special Photographic Effects Supervisor JOHN DYKSTRA Special Production and Mechanical Effects Supervisor JOHN STEARS Film Editiors PAUL HIRSCH, MARCIA LUCAS, RICHARD CHEW Production Supervisor ROBERT WATTS Production Illustration RALPH McQUARRIE Costume Designer JOHN MOLLO Art Directors NORMAN REYNOLDS, LESLIE DILLEY Make up Supervisor STUART FREEBORN Production Sound Mixer DEREK BALL Casting IRENE LAMB, DIANE CRITTENDEN, VIC RAMOS Supervising Sound Editor SAM SHAW Special Dialogue and Sound Effects BEN BURTT Sound Editors ROBERT R. RUTLEDGE, GORDON DAVIDSON, GENE CORSO Supervising Music Editor KENNETH WANNBERG Rerecording Mixers DON MacDOUGALL, BOB MINKLER, RAY WEST, ROBERT LITT, MIKE MINKLER, LESTER FRESHOLTZ, RICHARD PORTMAN Dolby Sound Consultant STEPHEN KATZ Orchestrations HERBERT W. SPENCER Music Scoring Mixer ERIC TOMLINSON Assistant Film Editors TODD BOEKELHEIDE, JAY MIRACLE, COLIN KITCHENS, BONNIE KOEHLER Camera Operators RONNIE TAYLOR, GEOFF GLOVER Set Decorator ROGER CHRISTIAN Production Manager BRUCE SHARMAN Assistant Directors TONY WAYE, GERRY GAVIGAN, TERRY MADDEN Location Manager ARNOLD ROSS Assistant to Producer BUNNY ALSUP Assistant to Director LUCY AUTREY WILSON Production Assistant PAT CARR, MIKI HERMAN Gaffer RON TABERA Property Master FRANK BRUTON Wardrobe Supervisor RON BECK Stunt Coordinator PETER DIAMOND Continuity ANN SKINNER Titles DAN PERRI Second Unit Photography CARROLL BALLARD, RICK CLEMENTE, ROBERT DALVA, TAK FUIJIMOTO Second Unit Art Direction LEON ERICKSON, AL LOCATELLI Second Unit Production Managers DAVID LESTER, PETER HERALD, PEPI LENZI Second Unit Make-up RICK BAKER, DOUGLAS BESWICK Assistant Sound Editors ROXANNE JONES, KAREN SHARP Production Controller BRIAN GIBBS Location Auditor RALPH M. LEO Assistant Auditors STEVE CULLIP, PENNY McCARTHY, KIM FALKINBURG Advertising/Publicity Supervisor CHARLES LIPPINCOTT Unit Publicist BRIAN DOYLE Still Photographer JOHN JAY MINIATURE AND OPTICAL EFFECTS UNIT First Camerman RICHARD EDLUND Second Camerman DENNIS MUREN Assistant Camermen DOUGLAS SMITH, KENNETH RALSTON, DAVID ROBMAN Second Unit Photography BRUCE LOGAN Composite Optical Photography ROBERT BLALACK (PRAXIS) Optical Photography Coordinator PAUL ROTH Optical Printer Operators DAVID BERRY, DAVID McCUE, RICHARD PECORELLA, ELDON RICKMAN, JAMES VAN TREES, JR. Optical Camera Assistants CALEB ASCHKYNAZO, JOHN C. MOULDS, BRUCE NICHOLSON, GARY SMITH, BERT TERRERI, DONNA TRACEY, JIM WELLS, VICKY WITT Production Supervisor GEORGE E. MATHER Matte Artist P. S. ELLENSHAW Planet and Satellite Artist RALF McQUARRIE Effects Illustration and Design JOSEPH JOHNSTON Additional Spacecraft Design COLIN CANTWELL Chief Model Maker GRANT McCUNE Model Builders DAVID BEASLEY, JON ERLAND, LORNE PETERSON, STEVE GAWLEY, PAUL HUSTON, DAVID JONES Animation and Rotoscope Design ADAM BECKETT Animators MICHAEL ROSS, PETER KURAN, JONATBARN SEAY, CHRIS CASADY, LYN GERRY, DIANA WILSON Stop Motion Animation JON BERG, PHIL TIPPET Miniature Explosions JOE VISKOCIL, GREG AUER Computer Animation and Graphics Displays DAN O'BANNON, LARRY CUBA, JOHN WALSH, JAY TEITZELL, IMAGE WEST Film Control Coordinator MARY M. LIND Film Librarians CINDY ISMAN, CONNIE McCRUM, PAMELA MALOUF Electronic Designs ALVAH J. MILLER Special Components JAMES SHOURT Assistants, MASAAKI NORIHORO, ELEANOR PORTER Camera and Mechanical Design DON TRUMBULL, RICHARD ALEXANDER, WILLIAM SHOURT Special Mechanical Equipment JERRY GREENWOOD, DOUGLAS BARNETT, STUART ZIFF, DAVID SCOTT Production Managers BOB SHEPHERD, LON TINNEY Production Staff PATRICIA ROSE DUIGNAN, MARK KLINE, RHONDA PECK, RON NATBARN Assistant Editor (Opticals) BRUCE MICHAEL GREEN Additional Optical Effects VAN DER VEER PHOTO EFFECTS, RAY MERCER & COMPANY, MODERN FILM EFFECTS, MASTER FILM EFFECTS DE PATrojan-FRELENG ENTERPRISES, INC. PANAVISION TECHNICOLOR Prints by DELUXE Making Films Sound Better, DOLBY SYSTEM Noise Reduction -- High Fidelity CAST Puke Flyswatter MARK HAMILL Barn Solo HARRISON FORD Princess Playa Orgasma CARRIE FISHER Grand Moff Tarkin PETER CUSHING Ben (Obi-Wan) Kenobi ALEC GUINNESS See-Fleepio (C-3PO) ANTHONY DANIELS Peetoo-Detoo (P2-D2) KENNY BAKER Chewbacca PETER MAYHEW Lord Darth Vader DAVID PROWSE Uncle Owen PHIL BROWN Aunt Beru SHELAGH FRASER Chief Pawer JACK PERVIS General Dodonna ALEX McCRINDLE General Willard EDDIE BYRNE Red Leader DREWE HEMLEY Red Two (Wedge) DENNIS LAWSON Red Three (Biggs) GARRICK HAGON Red Four (John "D") JACK KLAFF Red Six (Porkins) WILLIAM HOOTKINS Gold Leader ANGUS McINNIS Gold Two JEREMY SINDEN Gold Five GRAHAM ASHLEY General Taggi DON HENDERSON General Motti RICHARD LE PARMENTIER Commander One LESLIE SCHOFIELD Photographed in Tunisia Tikal National Park, Guatemala Panty Valley National Monument, California and at EMI Elstree Studios, Borehamwood, England Music Recorded at Anvil Recording Studios, Denham, England Post Production Completed at American Zoetrope, San Francisco, California Rerecording at Samuel Goldwyn Studios, Los Angeles, California The producers wish to thank the government of Tunisia, the Institute of Anthropology and History of Guatemala, and the National Park Service, United States Department of the Interior, for their cooperation. Copyright 1977 by Twentieth Century-Fox Film Corporation A PUCASFILM LTD. PRODUCTION Ownership of this motion picture is protected by copyright and other applicable laws and any unauthorized duplication, distribution, or exhibition of this motion picture could result in criminal prosecution as well as civil liability.