Subject: [MISC FANFIC] Character inconsitancies? I think not! Date: 28 Jun 2002 00:42:18 -0700 From: mikewongisgod@hotmail.com (RayCav) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Yes I know all of you are expecting Pirates' Endeavor Chapter 3 now but I've decided to take a break (don't worry PE 3 will come very goddamned soon). Anyway, been thinking about the transporter thread and the quality of fanfics thread, namely lack of character inconsitency. I think this will tie it up nicely:) Everything was nice and dandy onboard DS 9. Sisko and everyone else got back somehow, the war was long over and Bashir gets to fuck Ezri Dax. That is, until.... KIRA: Sir! USS Voyager is hailing us! Sisko: Oh no, not again. On screen! JANEWAY: This is USS Voyager. We need to retake a few supplies. However, we have a few systems malfunctions.... O'BRIEN: It's Starfleet technology used in a plot device. What else is new? KIRA: Shut the fuck up, you dickwad! You're not supposed to break character until later in the episode! JANEWAY: ...and we need to do all systems transfers via teleporter. O'BRIEN: We're fucked. KIRA: What did I say, fucktard? SISKO: Very well, carry on. ::Janeway, Neelix, and Seven beam on DS 9's ops room:: JANEWAY: WHERE THE HELL IS MY COFFEE!!! I WANT MY COFFEE AND MARBOLOS, DAMNIT!!!!! O'BRIEN: She doesn't look out of character to me. Kira: You retard! You're ruining everything! SEVEN: It seems as if the Captain is acting unusually brash today. ::Seven hurridly strips and jumps in Sisko's arms:: SEVEN: Did I ever tell you how much bald men make me horny? ::Meanwhile, Neelix manages not to be irritating:: Sisko: What the hell is going on here? Nobody is acting the way they should! KIRA: Sensors are picking up malfunctions within the transporters. SISKO: Maybe we should beam aboard and investigate? KIRA: Sounds good to me! O'BRIEN: Now we are fucked! ::Sisko, O'Brien, and Dax beam aboard Voyager:: Sisko: Hehe, hehe, hey, that chic is like, hot man! O'BRIEN: I feel no fucking different. Except now I have a thirst for BLOOD! DAX: It would seem that the transporters are affected on DS 9 as well. O'BRIEN: Then what is so different about you? And why the fucking hell are you not dead yet? DAX: I appear to be in full control of my emotions for once, leaving Data the only one in Starfleet with such a stupid plot device. Furthermore.... ::Suddenly Dax dies and all of her clothes are stripped off for no good reason:: SISKO: Hehe, hehe, it's like, a cool nekked chic! O'BRIEN: Fucking finally! TUVOK: Hmmm, strange indeed. I must beam back to DS 9 to investigate. ::Tuvok rips all of his clothes off and goes on a mad rampage around DS 9:: Kira: What the hell is going on here! Baron von Lowe: It would seem as if the transporters are scrambling their brains, most likely through negative molecular interaction. Kira: Who the hell are you, and what the hell are you doing to that poor sheep?! Baron: I'm here apparently because the transporter effect has given me a worthless cameo in this episode. And what I do is but a personal matter! ::Suddenly a super-sexy chic with a huge glowing green chicken enters into the room:: KIRA: Now I've seen everything! ::Suddenly a strange little man riding a pig and what appears to be a giant penis enters the room:: KIRA TO OFFICERS: Whatever you do do not say "Now I've seen everything!" ::Suddenly a cyborg in a stormtrooper uniform appears:: KIRA: Oh for fucking....who the hell are you guys and where are you coming from? RAVEN FORD: It appears as if the transporters are having an adverse reaction to ASVS. And has anybody seen my chicken lately? It's been very very naughty lately! ::Ryan Spickard proceeds to run around the room and eat various Starfleet officers:: RAVEN: See what I mean? KIRA: (Points to man with pig and...um, "appendage") who the hell are they? RAVEN: Oh, the man is Paul Jacque, the pig is Graham Kennedy and the...um, "appendage" is Timothy Jones. If I were you I wouldn't touch them. ::Ryan proceeds to eat Paul, Timothy and Graham:: RAVEN: Ewwwwww! Looks like I need to pump his stomach again! KIRA: (points to stormtrooper) who the hell is he? RAVEN: Oh, that? That's Lt. Hit-Man. Whatever you do, don't make contact with him! HIT-MAN: I can fix your problem! Guranteed! KIRA: Well, by all means go ahead! ::Hit-Man proceeds to gun down all remaining Federation officers in the room!:: HIT-MAN: DIE YOU RED SHIRT INFESTATION! DIE! KIRA: What the hell are you doing? HIT-MAN: Well, someone has to kill all the red shirts before the episode ends? KIRA: I mean the goddamned transporter! HIT-MAN: Oh. ::Hit-Man proceeds to blast away at the main computer:: HIT-MAN: DIE YOU MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD! DIE! KIRA: Oh my fucking.... RAVEN: Told you not to talk to him! Here, I'll find out what's going on! ::Raven captures Ryan and digs through his throat:: RAVEN: I have no idea what his fascination is with my scientific...ewwww! I think I accidentally touched Timothy! KIRA: What do your readings say? RAVEN: Ah, here we go! Ummm, oh. Looks like the transporters have caused an inversion in the space-time continuum, so that we're all stuck in a fanfic being written by a hammered RayCav at 1:39 in the morning. KIRA: NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Strips her clothes off in a mad rampage) SISKO: hehehe, ehehe, raving mad nekked chic! See how I managed to keep each charcter amazingly consitent as seen on the shows? Almost like it was written by Berman himself. Just be glad I didn't elect to write Pirates' Endeavor Chapter 3 right now:)