Subject: [FANFIC] Imperial Pie
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000 16:13:05 -0500
From: "Chuck" <CSONN@prodigy.net>
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars




Once again, I claim no credit for this.

SSD EXECUTOR, HOTH SYSTEM - Dark Lords of the Sith. Giving in to temptation
and seduction is irresistible to them. For one Dark Lord, the seduction of
warm apple pie was too great. In a statement given by General Veers, Darth
Vader was caught 'doing the deed' with a pie, baked by Admiral Ozzel's
mother and left out to cool on the Executor's control panel. 'When I walked
in to inform Lord Vader that the fleet had moved out of lightspeed and for
an update on the progress of our probes, I witnessed Lord Vader conducting
his own 'probe' of his own. On pastry. And, sadly this wasn't the most
disturbing aspect of the scene. He was listening to True, by Spandau Ballet.
I was quite unnerved to say the least to see such a warrior indulging
himself so.' Apparently Vader was so involved in what he was doing, he
didn't notice that Veers was standing there. 'That's when I decided to
discreetly make an exit, but a young Lieutenant, recently transferred, came
walking by pointed at the scene and yelled, 'Hey everybody look! Lord
Vaders' humping a pie with his cybernetic genitals!' He then threw his head
back in noisy laughter. If only that man knew of Vader's temper.' The Dark
Lord wasn't amused. He was startled into dropping the pie and used his
finely honed force skills to close one of the Lieutenant's orifices, but not
his throat. He stopped laughing and gave a inquisitive look as he walked
away. A few days after the incident, the Lieutenant could not be reached for
comment, but his agonizing shrieks could be heard two levels away. Meanwhile
Veers, who was now seen by Vader, had to say something. 'What was I to say?!
I was about a second away from laughing myself, so I just held it in and
tried to establish some common ground. I go, 'So, who's your favorite member
of Spandau Ballet, Tony Hadley or Gary Kemp?' He just stands there with his
infernal breathing and stares at me. He knew I was very near laughter, and
he was merely waiting for the slightest hint of a smile from me. At this
point it was going to be a staring contest. Somehow I got through it and
Vader slammed his fist on the control panel. 'Is there anything you would
like to talk about my Lord?', I say.' That's when Vader could be heard
weeping under his helmet, and he went off on a rant about Admiral Ozzel and
a talk they had earlier. 'That damn Ozzel! We were talking about how many of
us had gotten to 3rd base. Ozzel said that he'd been there and when I asked
him what 3rd base felt like he says in his smug tone, 'Like warm apple pie,
my Lord, warm apple pie.' Then no one's around and this pie is just sitting
out. I know this was his doing. He is as clumsy as he is stupid. If he fails
me just one more time...' This is when Veers saw his chance to completely
let Vader know he was on his side. 'That's when I said, 'My Lord the fleet
has moved out of lightspeed and have activated an energy field, strong
enough to deflect any bombardment.'' That was the last straw for Vader. 'The
rebels are alerted to our presence! That's it! I will deal with Ozzel
myself. General, prepare your troops for a surface attack...oh, and tell no
one of my lovemaking to this apple pie.' According to Veers he was just
pleased to be able to leave alive. 'Troops will be ready to dispatched at
you command Lord, and I'll tell the Emperor that we ate it all.'
Joe M. Omma, reporter