In a Final Frontier far far away… [In the vast blanket of space, giant words scroll upward.] Fed Wars Chapter Four: A New Inconsistency In a time of civil war, the Maqui has scored their fortieth victory against the evil United Federation of Planets. Aboard a small Maqui ship has recently stolen plans for the Borg Cube. A giant space ship with the power to assimilate an entire planet. Princess Jadzia races home to the Maqui base, in hopes to save the Alpha Quadrant from the vile Starfleet… [End scrolling text.] *** [Above the planet Vulcan, a Bajorian ship races across the system being pursued by a Galaxy Class Starship. The GCS fires several phaser blasts which cripple the smaller ship.] [Inside the Bajorian ship, several consuls explode and Maqui soldiers run chaotically to prepare for boarding. Three Data-P-U, A pale-skin droid, and Exo-2-D-Comp, a flying toaster, are walking down the corridor.] Data-P-U: What was that? Exo-2: *Beep* Data-P-U: What, Starfleet has found us? Exo-2: *Beep* Data-P-U: We're doom. There will be no escape for the princess this time. [Exo-2 quickly flies off.] Data-P-U: Wait where are you going? (whines) Come back. *** [Meanwhile, at the other ship. Maqui soldiers aim their phasers at the door, waiting for the Redshirts to enter.] Maqui One: Wait! Why are we doing this? Maqui Two: Because the Redshirts will be coming through here. Maqui One: Yeah, but doesn't Starfleet have transporters? Maqui Two: Yeah, but Starfleet lacks the brains to use it properly, like send its troops right to the bridge or engineering or even beam a anti-matter bomb in the warp core. Maqui One: So they'll be beaming by the front door? Maqui Two: Exactly. [Right on cue, the Federation Redshirts beamed down in great numbers by the front door and begin to fire at the Maqui with their phasers, thus wiping out the first line of Maqui soldiers.] *** [Data-P-U walks downs the corridor and see a young woman inserting a disk inside Exo-2 before she runs off.] Data-P-U: Where have you been? (Exo-2 runs off) Where are you going. Exo-2 *beep* Data-P-U: Don't tell to stop being prissy. *** [Meanwhile at the boarding hatch, Seven of Vader -- the Dark Borg of the Sith, a tall silicon-based blonde wearing a tight and highlighting silver latex outfit, beams down.] Fed Officer: The plans for the Cube are not on the ship. [Seven turns to a Maqui soldier and lifts him in the air by the neck.] Seven: Where are the stolen plans. [The Maqui soldier doesn't talk.] Fed Officer: Lady Seven, that one is dead. (points to another Maqui soldier, barely alive) That one over there is still alive, you might want to question him. [Seven throws the dead Maqui soldier at the Redshirt, thus killing him, then walks over the live Maqui and questions her.] Seven: Where are the plans that you received. Maqui Soldier: (grasps for air) We received no transmission. This is a bak… bakery ship. We're selling Granny's oatmeal rasin cookies. Seven: Inadequate. If this is a bakery ship, then where is the baker? (Seven kills the officer, then turns to the Starfleet officer) I want you to tear this ship apart, and bring me any prisoners… I want them alive. Fed Officers: (whispers to another officer) If she wanted them alive then she wouldn't have killed that one Maqui solder. *** [Yet, at another end of the ship (makes you wonder how many ends there are?) Princess Jadzia Organism, a beautiful young senator from Trilleeran with two tight buns at make up her hair, and two more tight buns that make up her rear posture, takes cover in the corridor. She keeps an eye for any incoming Redshirts, not knowing that two of them had sneaked up from behind her and are five feet away.] Redshirt #1: (whispers to his companion) Seven wants her alive, so we'll set for stun. Redshirt #2: (whispers back) Okay. [The two redshirts set their phasers for stun, and aim for the princess. However, being the poor shots that they are, they miss and have alerted her to their presence. Jadzia turns and fires back at the one redshirt before making a run for it. And don't ask how, but while she was escaping the second redshirt actually had scored a hit with the phaser. Wonders truly never cease.] Redshirt #2: (taps his comm badge) Inform Seven that we have a prisoner. *** [Exo-2 flies over to an escape pod and enters.] Data-P-U: Wait, we're not allowed in there. (Data-P-U enters the pod as well.) *** [Aboard the GCS, a Federation Officer spots the escape pod.] Fed Officer #1: Don't shoot, there are no life sign readings. Fed Officer #2: How can you tell? Fed Officer #1: Because nothing is showing up. Fed Officer #2: That could be because of our faulty sensors. Fed Officer #1: Damn! Oh well, it's gone now. *** [In high orbit above the planet Vulcan, Data-P-U looks out the window and surveys the damage.] Data-P-U: Funny the damage doesn't as bad from out here. Exo-2: *beep* (points to the Maqui ship) Data-P-U: Oh, right. I forgot, that was the GCS. (Looks at the Maqui ship) Damn! *** [On the planet Vulcan, a group of people was gathered at a house, drinking non-alcoholic carbonated beverages and invoking the lost arts of conversation. The only two people that this script is going to mention is Ezri Daxwalker and Harry Kimlighter. Ezri, our motor mouth hero, is a young female who looks a little like Sailor Mercury and is destined for greatness in the Trilogy. I wish we can say the same for Kimlighter.] Harry: Hey, I don't remember this scene? Ezri: Oh, this is supposed to be the a mockery of the famous Biggs scene that Lucas never put in the original movie nor the Special Edition. Harry: Coolness. Anyway, did I tell you that I've been assigned to a starship? Ezri: Really!?! Harry: Yup, Ensign Kimlighter reporting for duty. I'm a senior officer onboard the USS… Ezri: Wait! You hold the rank of ensign and fresh out of the Academy, and they made you a Senior officer? Harry: That's right. Ezri: Who did you sleep with? Harry: Captain Janew… Hey, none of your business. Ezri: Okay. Well, I bet you're excited to be joining Starfleet. Harry: Actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I have a secret that I need to tell somebody. Ezri: Oh my god! You're gay! Harry: What!?! Ezri: Please, you've spent a year at the Academy, and believe me I've heard stories about San Francisco. Harry: I am not gay. Ezri: Please, you said you slept with Janeway, and that'll turn any man off to heterosexuality. Harry: I said, I am not gay! Ezri: (in a mocking comforting fashion) Okaaay! I believe you, anyway, what's your secret, Tinkerbelle? Harry: (moves in to whisper to Ezri) I've met a friend at the Academy. Ezri: (in a flirting tone) Ohhh, really? How serious are… (spots the cold glare from Harry) Oh, come one! I'm only teasing. Go on… Harry: Anyway, he said he knows some contacts and as soon as we make our stop at the Starbase, we're going to jump ship and hook up with the Maqui. Ezri: (shouts across the room) The Maqui, you're shitting me. Harry: Hey, quite down. You want the Feds to hear us? Ezri: Sorry, (she tones her voice down) see now you can barely hear me. Harry: Yeah, that'll be the day. Ezri: Hey! Harry: Anyhow, I was wondering if you want to leave Vulcan and join us. Ezri: I wish I could, but I can't. Uncle Miles and Aunt Keiko need me at home, with the harvest and the rising Sand Hadar attacks. Harry: O'Brien can take care of things. Ezri: Please he doesn't know the difference between a Moisture Evaporator and Vaporizing Moisturizer. And he can't fight his way out of a wet paper bag, let alone the Sand Hadar. Hopefully, if things go my way, I'll be able to leave this oven world next year. Harry: I'm sorry to hear that. (He gets up to leave) I'll be seeing you. Bye. [Ezri is now alone sitting at the table.] Ezri: Computer, end program. [The friendly room setting and Kimlighter dissolves into the bland holodeck setting.] *** [Back to our regularly scheduled boarding, all ready in progress. Princess Jadiza, being pushed by Redshirts, stands in the presence of Seven of Vader.] Jadiza: Oh, Seven of Vader, only you would be so stupid to do such a thing. The Federation council will not stand for this attack. Seven: Spare me, you're irrelevant lies. You are not on a mercy mission. Jadiza: Then can I turn this into a mercy mission? (The princess falls to her knees and takes a pleading position, and begs) Please… please… spare my humble life. Seven: Enough of this foolishness, I have confirmed that you are apart of the Maqui and a traitor… take her away. [The redshirts drag her away, and another officer walks to Seven.] Starfleet Officer: Holding her is dangerous, if she tells the council about what happen, it could generate sympathy for the Maqui. Seven: Irrevelent. [A second officer walks to give his report] Second officer: The plans are not aboard the ship. No transmission has been sent. An escape pod has been ejected, the plans were in there. Seven: (thinks for a minute) Wait! The plans must be in the pod. Send a crew to comb the planet. Resistance will be futile. *** [On the surface of Vulcan, several Redshirts are carrying giant combs.] Redshirt: (turns to the SF officer) Sir, you think we're taking orders too literally? SF Officer: Ofcourse not. Seven ordered us to comb the planet. [Data-P-U and Exo-2 walk across the combing Redshirts.] Redshirt: Good day, Mister Droid. Data-P-U: Good day sir. (Turns to Exo-2) Doesn't this remind you of that movie something... Balls. (the two walk off camera.) Redshirt: We must keep searching. Those droids are bound to show up. *** Tierce: Should I continue? -Major Tierce "Are you kidding? I've been doing the Vulcan death grip since I was four." -Cordelia Chase