From: Bob McDob (Bob_mcdob@hotmail.com) Subject: Re: [OT] Empire vs the rest Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Date: 2002-04-06 23:09:47 PST <><><><><><><><><><> ISD Destruction! A Very Stupid Story Written by: Me Edited by: Me Typos, plot holes, stolen things and embarrasing errors by: EVIL FASCIST BASTARDAS Chapter 1. The Wong class Imperator Star Destroyer Destructionflew through space at 20 centillion c when it smashed into a fleet of 100 Roger Youngs holding a Neo-Nazi convention. "What was that?" asked Captain Tiddywinks. His first officer, Mr. Morden, shrugged. "All right. Keep looking for that god forsaken Galaxy-class Starship then..." Chapter 2 The ISD came out of hyperspace for lunch break and to BDZ planets for entertainment. Meanwhile, the Vorlon Empire spotted the Imperials and sent out a welcoming party of three Transports. "What are those?" asked First Officer Morden. "They look like hippies! Kill them!" screamed Captain Tiddywinks. The ISD turned to present a boradside in .2 nanoseconds and fired one Heavy Turbolaser with 30 quintillion yotatons. The three Vorlon transports, the entire Vorlon fleet and the Vorlon Homeworld were intantly disintegrated. "Carry on", said Captain Tiddywinks. Chapter 3 Captain Tiddywinks was having a massive sex orgy on the bridge when Mr. Morden came rushing in. "Sir!" cried Mr. Morden. "What is it?!?!" grumbled Captain Tiddywinks, slipping his pants on and forcibly removing the Microsoft Sex Slave clinging to him. "Sir! A massive fleet is gathering around the planet below!" Captain Tiddywinks glanced out the main viewport. There were 30 billion cube shaped starships in sight, each three square kilometers in size. "What did they say?" asked Captain Tiddywinks. "Only this:" A gigantic three-dimentional holographic image materialized of a disimbodied cyborg-like female head. "WE ARE THE BORG. LOWER YOUR SHIELDS AND SURRENDER YOUR SHIPS. WE WILL ADD YOUR CULTURAL AND TECHNOLOGICAL ACHIEVEMENTS TO OUR OWN. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE" "Hey, dudette, wanna fuck?" asked Captain Tiddywinks. "FUCKING IS IRRELEVENT. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED" The Borg ships powered up their weapons. "Ah, screw you", said Captain Tiddywinks. He thrust a hand into his pants and pulled out a remote. Jamming his hand onto the button, the entire Borg Fleet vanished in a brilliant flash of light. "Good thing those Culture dudes gave us that thing before we accidently vaporized their culture. Uh huh huh huh huh " mumbled Captain Tiddywinks before collapsing into a fetal heap. Mr. Morden shrugged and exited the Bridge. Chapter 4 Three days later, the ISD was touring the local Galactic Rim when a fleet of 10,000 Federation startships came out of warp. "What's that?" asked Captain Tiddywinks as he gouged himself in Turd-flavored Haagen-Daaz Ice Cream (mmm, Turd-flavored Haagen-Daaz Ice Cream...) "They look like a fleet of 10,000 Federation starships" said Mr. Morden. "Sir, that fleet of 10,000 Federation starships is hailing us!" shouted the communications officer "Good" "No, sir, I mean hailing us. As in, speech? Communication? Discussion?" "Gooba gubbity gougala" said Mr. Morden. Captain Tiddywinky's empty eyes (he lost them in a tragic sheep accident) lit up suddenly . "Ah! On screen" An angry man's face materialized. "McDob! You have stolen my quote! Prepare to Die!" The image disappeared as soon as it came, leaving Tiddywinks confused. "McDob? Who's McDob?" At this point the Destruction started shaking slightly. "And what's that?" asked Captain Tiddywinks. "Sir, it looks like the fleet of 10,000 Federation starships is attacking us", said Mr. Morden. Tiddywinks glanced at the fleet of 10,000 Federation starships firing streams of Quantum Torpedos at the bridge and shrugged. "So McDob? Who's McDob?" "Um..." Morden faltered, because one had to be careful around Tiddywinks. If you used the wrong word, legend had it he would make you eat your shorts. This tended to keep everyone paranoid around him. "Um...sounds, like, um, an Irish hippy name?" "HIPPY!?!?!?! Tiddywinks screamed. "I DON LKIE HIPPIES!!!!! THYE R EEVIL AND WILL DE IN TEH PITSD F HLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Um, sir?" asked Mr. Morden. "DAMN STRAIGHT!!!!! CT...HUL...HU...F...TAGHN!!!!!" The ISD Destruction immedietly sprouted a pair of enormous of grappler arms from the bow, one holding a huge-@$$ BFG discharging an energy beam with a yield equal three doublewide buttloads, and the other holding a gigantic mallet. Captain Tiddywinks extended his arm stiffly forward at the Federation fleet of 10,000 starships. "RAMMING SPEED" The Destruction rocketted forward, smashing everyone out the back of the bridge where they all died from exposure to space except Tiddywinks and Morden, who are vital to the plot. The arms on the Star Destroyer waved around wildly. 300 Sovereigns were smashed by the enormous kinetic energy of a mallet traveling at 20e600 c, while a squadron of Defiants attemped to approach the Destruction, instead smashing into its shields. 4000 ships alone were atomized in the first three seconds, and the rest only escaped because the ISD had flown straight into the Elder God realm. "Uh oh", said Captain Tiddywinks. /Will Captain Tiddywinks and his crew survive? Who is The Mysterious Man(TM)? Will Mr. Morden really eat his shorts? Does anybody really care? The answer - if you're smart - is DUH!!!!! And if like most people you're a dumbass, find out in the next exciting episode of ISD DESTRUCTION! /