Subject: [LW] The New, Vol. 90210, Issue 517 Date: Wed, 2 May 2001 19:42:06 -0700 From: "Crayz9000" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars THE NEW Vol. 90210 - Issue 517 Official Magazine of the Q Continuum In This Issue: - Is Q Gay? The Accused Interviewed - Escalating Fed-Imperial Conflict: Can it be resolved? Plus, a special interview with Q on the subject *** Is Q Gay? By Q for the Associated Continuum Press With an interview with Q himself Is Q gay? This is a question posed by many, most notably those who oppose the Federation. Imperial spies have been attempting to spread information in the Federation concerning this, most of them pointing out involvement in the demise of the USS Voyager. Here is what Q had to say about the subject: Associated Continuum Press: "We feel pressed to ask this question: Are you gay?" Q: "Well, I suppose it depends on what that word means... if by the older definition of the word, from the Oxford English Dictionary, then certainly so." ACP: "So you're indeed gay?" Q: "From a certain point of view." ACP: "OK, then to the next question. Many Imperial spies have been spreading rumors that you attempted to have... ahem, intimate relations with a Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship Voyager. Is this true?" Q: "Such an ugly, repulsive..." ACP: "So I take it your answer is no?" Q: "I was getting to that. Stupid, fat, sleazy..." ACP: (annoyed) "Yes or no." Q: "No." ACP: "Now you can explain." Q: "Well, I was bored, and decided to see what this Federation starship was doing in the Delta Quadrant ... In the end, it all turned out right." ACP: "So the end justifies the means?" Q: "No, not exactly. Thank the Empire she's gone, though." *** Escalating Federation-Imperial Conflict: Can it be resolved? By Q for the Associated Continuum Press With a special interview with Q, who is an expert on the subject Over the past few months, a phenomenon known as the 'Laundry War' has racked the two galaxies in question. It all began when the Empire stumbled on the Milky Way galaxy several years before (in Federation time). Conflicts never went beyond minor skirmishes, with losses on both sides at most the occasional laundry tender. However, more recently the 'war' has dropped to an all-new low, with the Empire raiding Federation laundry convoys at whim. The United Federation of Planets has only been successful in a handful of raids, all conducted by their Intelligence arm of Section 31. So here is the interview with Q, and what he had to say about it: Associated Continuum Press: "So, Q, what do you think of the Empire raiding Federation convoys at whim? Don't you think they should be stopped?" Q: "Not really. Sure, they're causing damage, but isn't it time that the Federation had a wake-up call? Besides, what harm does stealing undergarments do? Didn't we all do that when we were young Q?" ACP: (flushes) Q: "I know I was reprimanded by the Continuum for playing around with the Enterprise, but it's because I was getting tired of watching those Federation types - I mean cowards - prancing all over space, thinking they owned it all." ACP: "So you feel that the Federation needs this?" Q: "Certainly." ACP: "Well, I suppose we'll move on to the next question. Since you believe that the Federation needs a wake-up, should we assist the Empire?" Q: "No, I don't believe we should do that either. The two parties are perfectly capable of sorting out affairs on their own without having Bill Clinton involved. Of course, if things really get out of hand, I could always open up the multiverse and drop a Culture GSV in on the party... but that wouldn't be fun, would it." ACP: (shudders) "No, not really. So is that all? What about the Jedi?" Q: "Actually, that's why I've been, for the most part, staying away from their galaxy. I feel that the Jedi are more than competent in the handling of foreign affairs. Although there is a slight problem now..." ACP: "What?" Q: "Oh, nothing. I think I've taken care of it already. Some kid named Luke Skywalker needed a bit of encouragement. I think that wraps it up." ACP: "Thank you, Q. It's been a pleasure." Q: "Same here. But this chair is sooo uncomfortable..." --- SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION --- ANNOUNCING The new Maytag Kessel line of washers and dryers [=*] *_______ _______ || /_o_o_o_\/_o_____\ ------\ | / \ || _____ |--/ | | | | | | || | | | | | /\ | \___/ || |___| | ^___^ \_______/\_______/ / \ These state-of-the-art units are the ultimate cleaning machines. From Imperial Stormtrooper armor to Federation Pajamas, and everything in between, they can handle whatever you throw at them and come back for more. 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