Subject: [Fanfic] Flame Wars!!! Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 16:07:34 GMT From: "Jeffrey Yu" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Ali and I have been discussing making an ASVS fanfic based on A New Hope. Part 1 has been done by me, but Ali will also be working on the fic as well. P.S. This is my first fic, go easy on me, ok? P.P.S. When reading the last half, keep in mind most of it was written just now, around 8-9 AM, after an entire night on the internet with no sleep. This is just version 1.0 and I may have to fix it. But right now I need sheep. I mean sleep. Yeah, that's it. Flame Wars!!! Episode IV A NEW HOPE Original idea by Ali ali-sama@pacbell.net Part 1 by Jedi Anger jedianger@earthlink.net A short time in the future, in a newsgroup very close to home..... It is a period of flame wars. ASVS hackers, posting from a hidden server, have won their first victory against the evil Troll Empire. During the battle, ASVS spies managed to steal secret plans to the Troll Empire's ultimate weapon, Spacebattles.com, an armored web forum with enough power to destroy an entire newsgroup. Pursued by the Troll Empire's sinister agents, Princess Kimberly slowly ambles home aboard her pleasure barge, custodian of the Rules and Regulations that can save her newsgroup and restore freedom to the internet... [The pleasure ship _Wet Dreams_, a huge starship shaped like a dildo, is being pursued by the Troll Empire starship _The King of Quebec_. _The King of Quebec_ is fast closing, while the _Wet Dreams_ desperately defends itself with multi-gigaton blasts of used condoms. Alas, it proves useless against the reality ignoring field of _The King of Quebec_.] [Baron-3P0 (B-3P0) and AL-3X walk down a corridor as the _Wet Dreams_ shakes from a blast from _The King of Quebec_'s main bozon cannon.] B-3PO: Did you hear that? They've just pimped the main harem! We'll be doomed for sure! AL-3X: Sniff, sniff, groan, scratch, fart. (I *told* you we shouldn't have brought the sheep along!) [B-3P0 rolls down the windows and sticks his head out. _Wet Dreams_ is floating half a meter off the ground in the middle of a L.A. traffic jam. People are walking faster than the _Wet Dreams_. Kids take the opportunity to grafitti on the side of the ship. Boys scouts camp out under. Birds have nested in the crevices of the engines. Erosion wears away at the starship. Baron-3P0 ignores this.] B-3P0: We're doomed! I love you, AL-3X! AL-3X: Urk, smack, lurch, gag. (And.......I love you too, Baron!) B-3P0: There'll be no escape for Princess Kimberly this time! AL-3X: Grunt, grunt, scratch, belch. (Who the fuck?) [Two huge disembodied voices, as if coming from the writers, speak.] Ali: Kimberly Williams, the cute actress who was in /Father of the Bride/. Jeff: *I'm* writing here, get OUT of my scene! Ali: Fuck you! Jeff: Promises.......... [B-3P0 continues to ignore this, as if forced by the writers to speak the lines on a script.] B-3P0: What's that? [_The King of Quebec_, kept afloat by a stubborn refusal to acknowledge gravity, hauls the _Wet Dreams_ into the ship and heads for orbit. The _Wet Dreams_ is actually several times larger than _The King of Quebec_, but at the sight of so many massed trolls, logic fled and hid in the corner. Trolls board the _Wet Dreams_, simply ignoring the ship's hull, the way they ignored the rest of reality.] [Inexperienced, idealistic ASVS redshirts (read: newbies, bait, fresh meat) rush out to defend against the inbred Trolls using flamethrowers while the much more sensible, and experienced ASVS veterans quickly start packing. The Trolls, in theory should have been burned to a crisp, but no one took into account the fact that the Trolls never bothered learning the laws of physics.] B-3P0: AL-3X, where are you? [B-3P0 entertains himself with several sheep before stumbling into a corridor and seeing AL-3X. Deciding that he, too, could serve the same purposes as a sheep's colon, he enters AL-3X. It is hours before the corridor is quiet again, but despite that, the battle between the ASVS newbies and Trolls is still happening. This is mainly for storyline purposes, but the author maintains that this is due to the ineptness of the Trolls.] (Why does the writer have a sudden premonition that he will be written as Timothy Jones's bondage slave in the next chapter of Domination?) B-3P0: Where are you going? Why are you running away? Wait a minute, you're not a allowed in there. [B-3P0 hears a voice.] Kimberly: Help me, Obi-Wan Sonnenburg, you're my only hope. [B-3P0 enters and sees a Princess Kimberly posing seductively for a holocam. Of course, it's pretty hard to imagine a woman Ali found on the internet to be posing seductively, since no one knows who she is or what she looks like, so, my mostly male readers, feel free to replace in your minds all instances of Kimberly Williams with Jeri Ryan and start drooling. *Ahem* Anyway, B-3P0 enters, and as Princess Kimberly finishes her speech, she enters *something* into AL-3X. AL-3X, having already been preyed upon by B-3P0, makes various pained sounds.] B-3P0: At last, where have you been? [B-3P0 says this last line almost as if the author were too tired to make up new lines and simply copied the original ones from the ANH script verbatim. AL-3X sees him and flees. Princes Kimberly runs after the pair.] B-3P0: Wait a minute, where are you going? [The scene changes to the main entrance of the ship. The Trolls finally succeed in opening the door, and proceed with the much delayed entrance of.......Darth Kynes! He is accompanied by a very sensible escort of ASVS Cleaners, a group of badass stormtroopers led by Lt. Hit-Man.] Darth Kynes: I am a BAD mutha! KYNES! (Shut your mouth!) But I'm talking about Kynes! (Then we can dig it.) [But God loves you!] _Shut your mouth, Boyd!_ [But *I* love you!] _Shut your ugly face, Boyd!_ KYNES! _Damn right._ Lt. Hit-Man: What the fuck are we doing on the side of the Troll Empire? Darth Kynes: I wanted to be Darth Kynes. Don't worry, it's only until the end of the fanfic. [Back at the corridor, B-3P0 and Princess Kimberly chase down AL-3X into the escape pod room.] B-3P0: Where have you been? AL-3X: Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch! (My metaphorical ass really fucking metaphorically hurts!) Princess Kimberly: Quick, in there , before they find you! [B-3P0 looks, and sees that all the escape pods were taken by the fleeing ASVSers. Princess Kimberly opens the hatch, and the vacuum starts sucking the air out.] B-3P0: But all the escape pods are gone! We can't- Princess Kimberly [kicking the droids out]: No time! Get out there! [Kynes is strutting along with the Cleaners. With a snap of his fingers the Imperial March starts playing. Dah dah dah duh dah dah duh dah.... The Cleaners hum along with the tune. Darth Kynes grabs the nearest ASVSer, Captain Strowbridge, and lifts him by his crotch, in classic Spaceeballs tradition.] Darth Kynes: What does the "C.S." in "C.S. Strowbridge" stand for? Captain Strowbridge: We intercepted no Rules and Regulations! This is a porn archive ship. In addition to sheep, it contains numerous pictures of Jeri Ryan and Jennifer Love Hewitt, sometimes together in hardcore lesbo porn. Darth Kynes [distracted by the mention of porn]: If this is a porno ship, then where is the porn? No, really, I want to see the porn! [Though disturbed at seeing Kynes grab Strowbridge, the Cleaners quickly began clamoring for the porn. Strowbridge, however, passed out from the excrutiating pain of literally having his future squeezed out of him. (BTW, happy birthday, Strowbridge!)] Darth Kynes: Lieutenant, tear this ship apart like Paul Jacque's asshole until you've found those rules and regulations- Phong [cutting in]: But you're the maintainer of the rules and regs.... Darth Kynes [ignoring Phong]: and bring me the Princess, I want her alive! [Princess Kimberly is packing some heavy weaponry. Coincidently, she's also wearing the slave bikini Leia wore in Return of the Jedi. Why? Everyone knows that badass women packing heat *must* wear skimpy, revealing clothing. On her shoulder is a Golan Arms FC1 Flechette Launcher, which she shoots into a pack of Trolls. The cartridge explodes, releasing hundreds of tiny flechettes spreading out over a wide area that turns the Trolls into a (far lower on the evolutionary tree) sort of ground beef. Then, she whips out her lightsaber and bravely wades into the mass of Trolls, slicing down the inbred neanderthals around her. She continues until there is one Trekkie left, and then for some incredibly stupid reason drops all her weapons and runs away. The Trekkie fires a stun ray on his bozon blaster, and Princess Kimberly is knocked unconcious as the bozon particles temporarily lowered her in the evolutionary scale. The Trekkie strained for a bit, and finally found the intelligence needed to speak a single coherent sentence.] Trekkie: Inform Lord Kynes we have a prisoner. [Author's note: The bozon is a the SI unit for stupidity. One bozon is the exact amount of stupidity and lack of scientific knowledge needed to confuse joules with watts. The strength of a stupidity field is measured in microJacques, which is equal to one bozon per second. Therefore, 1 nanoJacques equals 0.001 bozons/second, 1 milliJacques equals 1,000 bozons/second, 1 centiJacques equals 10,000 bozons/second, and so on. This stupidity field was named after Paul Jacques, whose stupidity field has a strength of 1 Jacque, or 1,000,000 bozons/second. Be very, very, very afraid of him. No one has ever attempted to measure Timothy Jones's microJacques level, possibly because modern technology cannot even begin to measure the vast frontier of scientific ignorance, ego, stubbornness, and sheer stupidity that is him.] [Meanwhile, B-3P0 and AL-3X, not immune to the effects of gravity like the Trolls, fall back down to the planet. They, however, are not quite complex enough to calculate the amount of kinetic energy from falling 30,000 kilometers from orbit and accelerating 10 meters/second^2, and so are kept relatively safe. *Relatively* safe. As safe as it is possible while you're falling 30,000 kilometers from orbit and accelerating towards the planet at 10 meters/second^2, but be assured that of all the beings that ever got kicked out of a starship 30,000 km above a planet, they were the safest ones. Well, probably. Maybe. Possibly. The point is that the author has written this far and, because they are not Trolls (at least most of the time they aren't) and he can't figure out a way for them to survive a 30,000 kilometer drop, he has trapped himself and is too lazy to go back to the story and fix it. In a desperate attempt to salvage the story, he rips off several more lines from Star Wars.] B-3P0: That's funny. The damage doesn't look as bad out here. AL-3X: Whimper, moan, gag, gag, sound indicating submissiveness. (Are you talking about me or the ship?) B-3P0: Are you sure this thing's safe? AL-3X: Retch, groan, gag, sniffle, sneeze, hack. (Too late to be worrying about safe sex.) [On the bridge of the _The King of Quebec_, two Trekkies are in charge of the weapons systems. B-3P0 and AL-3X appear on the targetting viewscreens.] Trekkie #1: Did you just see two droids on our main viewscreen? Trekkie #2: Nope. Trekkie #1: That's good, because neither did I. Trekkie #2: Then hold your fire. [Their demonstration of Trekkies' remarkable abilities to completely ignore onscreen evidence finished, the two droids continue falling to the planet below.] End of Part 1 What will happen to the two droids still falling from orbit? When are we going to meet the other ASVSers? Will we ever see the Cleaners again? What will happen to Princess Kimberly? Will we even care? All this and more in the next installation of Flame Wars!!! Flame Wars!!! Chapter 1a Disclaimer: I apologize for this chapter in advance. I promise to never, ever write something like this again. Please don't capture me and tie me up and spank me repeatedly. And please, please don't then force me to be your love slave. And whatever you do, I beg you, please, please, *please* don't take me to be the love slave of all your many other skimpily dressed and voluptuous young Amazon women in an island society where I'm the only man, responsible for the continuation of your entire race and therefore must have at least three women with me at all times. [Naahmah (what kind of a name is Naahmah, anyway?) was the perfect image of those sick bastards with whip that we learn to fear early in life. She had on one of those whatchamacallit high heel bondage shoes, along with a black, all-leather suit. This may seem like stereotyping, and I wouldn't want to offend any sick, sadistic bastards who get their jollies from whipping people or getting whipped, but I'm only 16, and unlike most of you, I don't have cable TV and HBO to educate me on matters such as this. Ryan Spickard, or Atomik Chicken, was tied up, and desperately trying to think happy thoughts. For some reason, there was also some cheap music playing in the background.] [Naahmah increased her grip on the whip, and whipped again and again.] Naahmah: Who's your daddy? Atomik Chicken [thinking for a moment]: Well, my dad is- Naahmah [cutting Ryan off]: I said, WHO IS YOUR DADDY!!! Atomik Chicken [raising hand]: Uhmmm, I need to pee. Can you untie me for just a minute? I'll be right back. Bee-are-bee. Aye-eff-kay. Naahmah: Ell-oh-ell. No, you've been a BAD little boy and daddy needs to give you bad boy a spanking. Atomik Chicken [whimpering]: Yes, Naahmah, I'm your bitch and I've been a BAD little boy. Please spank me! Naahmah: Say it like ya mean it, bitch! Atomik Chicken: SPANK MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! Naahmah: SPOON!!!!! Atomik Chicken: Five Exclamation Marks!!!!! Naahmah: Sex-On-The-Internet-Complete-With-High-Bandwidth-Bondage-And- Domination-Of-Fellow-Newsgroup-Users-Just-Like-You-So-Why-Do-You-Not- Try-It-And-Gain-The-Super-Admiration-Of-Your-Friends-Family-And- Co-workers-While-At-The-Same-Time-Slaying-The-Opressive-Tyrant-That- Is-Loneliness! [Continues on for quite a long while.] [Hours later, Ryan's fingers trembled as he typed the words onto his keyboard. He was sweating all over and he felt as if he had typed a million words. Still trembling, he got up, took his obligatory after-sex cigarette smoke, (In movies, people ALWAYS smoke after having sex. Why? No one knows. No one cares.) and began to walk over to the next room, where Naahmah would also be on her computer.] [Chickens, like most birds, don't have penises. This goes to explain a lot about Ryan, including why he liked cybersex so much. Some people (mostly AOL users) have said that cybersex was the best thing since, well, sex. Ryan wouldn't know, since he would never have sex during his lifetime. However, he *had* heard of a new thing called an "orgasm" that was all the rage these days, and he firmed his resolve to get one someday.] (Note: That last part was slightly nicked off from Pratchett and Gaimen, if you're wondering. So sue me.*) *Please don't sue me. [Ryan walked in and saw Naahmah, still at her computer and typing. There was a long, ackward silence. After all, he couldn't just go up to somebody who had just metaphorically tied him up, whipped him, turned him into her bitch, and made him submit, and ask her, "Naahmah, does this dress make me look fat?". Ryan finally tried to say something, and it came out as a squeak.] [Naahmah tried to hide a wicked smile and whispered in Ryan's ear. Ryan gulped.] Naahmah: Did I tell you I have a friend named Bonnie? I've invited her to come over tonight. [grinning openly] Earlier today we got together and took some "pictures". Oh, and Bonnie hates wearing clothes, so she'll be coming over without them. (http://www.geocities.com/raventhefrog/bonnie.jpg) Ryan: Eyarhgarblega........ Naahmah: Lets's- [The building sexual tension was becoming too great. Ryan couldn't stand it. He rushed back into his room screaming. He quickly logged back onto the internet, and feverishly resumed typing.] [Ryan and Naahmah, sittin' in a tree. Kay-eye-ess-ess-eye-enn-gee....] End of Chapter 1a Coming up in Chapter 1b! Lt. Hit-Man and Chris O'Farrell star. Chris o'Farrell gets captured by Hit-Man and interrogated . . . . and Chris enjoys it . . . . enough to go back for more. See ya next time!