Subject: [HUMOR FANFIC] Stargate: SG-69
Date: 26 Mar 2002 22:13:53 -0800
From: mikewongisgod@hotmail.com (RayCav)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars




Characters

Stargate/USAF:
Colonel Timothy Jones
Major Paul Jacques
Lieutenants Edam Fromage and Graham Kennedy

Imperial:

Colonel Rob Dalton
Lieutenant Hit-Man
von Lowe, Sector Baron

Colonel Timothy Jones stared out the window of the Suburban. He had
just stepped out of the personel transport from Peterson Feild in
nearby Colorado Springs, and this was the first time he had been in
Colorado. Never before had he set his eyes on such stalwart and
awesome beauty as the Suburban weaved its way through the dramatic
valleys of the Rocky Mountains.
"It's more dramatic than the desert." said the colonel to the driver
next to him.
"Uh-huh, sure, sir." replied the officer.
"Back in Arizona, we had nothing to stare at. Just sand, endless
sand."
"Uh-huh" was the only reply he recieved.
"So, how is Colorado at this time of the year?"
"Freaking hot, even at this altitude. Never gets above 80 but feels
like 110. It's worse in the winter. Everything is frozen hell and
shit."
"Oh, sounds wonderful. I never seen snow before."
Shut the fucking hell up, shithead, thought the driver.
Finally, the Suburban reached its destination: Cheyenne Mountain, home
of NORAD and the center of the NATO defense network itself. However,
it was also the home of something far less international; the
super-secret STARGATE program. An interstellar portal was unearthed at
Giza, Egypt, and transported here where it has since sent teams on
thousands of missions to new worlds. Colonel Jones was recently
assigned to lead one of these teams, the newly formed unit known as
SG-69.
When Colonel Jones disembarked the Suburban, he was met by a General
Hammond with an underwhelmed-look on his face.
"So, you are the new Colonel, I see?" said the General. His thought,
on the other hand, were markedly different; Where the hell did they
pick up this sad git?
The General continued; "Due to the success of the Stargate Program, we
have recieved a much needed boost in funding, resulting in expansion
from 15 to no less than 100 teams, which means we have no less than a
quarter of our total forces off-world at all times. As a matter of
fact, your unit, SG-69, will go on its first mission in a matter of
hours, thanks to accelerated training and your prior aquaintance with
your squad mates."
"Yes, I know. I have worked with all of them in past intances."
responded Colonel Jones.
"In that case, I'll have your team prepare for the mission
immediately."
Colonel Jones then went on a casual stroll amongst the concrete
corridors of the underground facility. Sure, it wasn't much to look
at, but there was a strange comforting quaility of being surrounded by
millions of tons of impenetrable granite.
The first room Colonel Jones encountered was the ready room, where his
team had already met. Colonel Jones knew them intimately well. One of
them in the most literal sense of the word. He immideately gave a
lingering stare to his old pal and second-in-command Major Paul
Jacques. The last time they met was at a pig orgy in San Fransisco. If
anybody had ever found out about that, lingered Colonel Jones'
thoughts.
The other two memebers were both Lieutenants, Edam Fromage and Graham
Kennedy. Fromage was an excellent diplomat, and Kennedy was the
resident scientist for reseach missions. Both of their skills would be
needed in the upcoming mission.
The entire team was just finished gearing up, with Major Jacques
prepping his MP 5, Lieutenant Fromage adjusting his uniform, and
Lieutenant Kennedy fiddling with a piece of scientific equipment. They
had barely noticed Colonel Jones walked in, but then immediately
snapped to attention when Colonel Jones entered the middle of the
room.
"Colonel Jones, I, uh, I thought you were in Arizona." exclaimed Major
Jacques.
"I was, but I have been assigned to lead this team on the next
mission." said Colonel Jones.
"Oh, well, uh...I don't know what to say!" replied a blushing Major
Jacques.
"Paul, don't show it here!" whispered Colonel Jones.
"Colonel Jones, sir!" broke in Lieutenant Fromage. "I heard that you
were supposedly one of the best! Well, you will obviously need the
best diplomat in the whole USAF!"
"Uh, yeah, sure." replied Colonel Jones.
Lieutenant Kennedy then said in a harsh Cockney accent, "Blimey! I
thought we was gonna get us a real man to lead this mission!"
A sour look then occupied Colonel Jones' face. "Uh, well...just shut
the hell up, you damn Englishman!"
"Blimey! You damn Americans!"
"Sure, whatever, you go on like that."
The flame war was interrupted only when General Hammond walked in.
"It's breifing time."
The team then met in the breifing room, just outside of the gateroom.
General Hammond himself led the breifing. "As you all know, our
primary mission is to seek out alliances and technology to help up
defeat the Guo'old. We believe we have finally found such a race on
planet PX-3893. It's outside of our own galaxy and occupied by a
government claiming to be a galactic empire. They posses impressive
weaponry capable of taking our an entire planet. We believe they will
be the end of the Guo'old once and for all."
Lieutenant Kennedy then spoke up. "Blimey! It is physically impossible
to do that! You simply can't do that, the math won't allow it! A
fission reaction simply can't do it, I tell ya!"
"I didn't say anthing about a fission reaction!" exclaimed General
Hammond.
Lieutenant Fromage then spoke up, "Blow up a planet, you say? Man,
such bloodthirsty bastards ought to be easy for me to negotiate with!"
Major Jacques asked, "Do they have pigs? Oh, please, please, PLEASE
tell me they have pigs!"
General Hammond, after a confused look, said "We don't know if they
have pigs, but you can find that out for yourself."
A smile crept up Major Jacques' face as he thought of the possibility.
Colonel Jones asked, "What can we expect from them?"
General Hammond only said, "We don't know. As a matter of fact, that
will be one of your mission objectives." General Hammond went on to
conclude, "Remember, if you're not back within 48 hours, your codes to
the Stargate will be locked out. Good luck, men."


As Colonel Jones picked up his gear, he had a funny feeling within
him. Almost as if something wasn't exactly in place.
"Ack! Look at the size of that thing!" said a surprized Lieutenant
Kennedy.
"Wow! I never realized how small that is!" exclaimed Lieutenant
Fromage.
"Timothy! You said you would only show it to me!" said Major Jacques.
Ops, thought Colonel Jones, as he zipped up his pants. He also thought
about wearing some underwear next time.
The team met for the final time before the mission in the gateroom
itself. Awestruck, the team had set their eyes on the actual Stargate
for the first time. The sight was truly impressive, filling the room
with a bluish watery shimmer.
"Time to go, team." Colonel Jones took the honor of being the first
one to step through the Stargate. Instantly, his body was disassembled
to the molecular level and transported, molecule by molecule, at the
speed of hyperspace. Yet at the same time, they were able to witness
the passing beauty of worlds wizzing by, as their eyesight narrowed to
a tunnel vision of swirling blue hues. Before they knew it, they had
stepped into another world, and another galaxy entirely.
"Pig-fuckinglicious!" said Major Jacques as he stepped down from the
stargate..
"Blimey!" said Lieutenant Kennedy.
"Wow! Wow! WOW!" said Lieutenant Fromage.
"What the hell are you all talking about? It's just a damn room!" said
Colonel Jones.
The team had found themselves within a very large, gray structure,
where another Stargate had been set up. They could see men in white
coats walking around and tending consoles of some sort. One of these
white-clad men in particular was near two men in green uniforms. They
appeared to be the senior persons in charge of the whole operation.
"Who are they?" asked Major Jacques, "and do you think they have
pigs?"
"I'm not sure." said Colonel Jones, "but I'm gonna find out."
Colonel Jones then walked up to one of the uniformed men. "Hello, I am
Colonel Timothy Jones of the United States Air Force. I would like to
seek an alliance with your people and an exchange of technologies."
The two men laughed.
"Why the hell should we help you?" said one of them, whose name was
Colonel Dalton.
"What can you possibly offer us?" said Baron von Lowe, the other one.
at that moment Lieutenant Fromage spoke up, "We are a civilization
threatened by the existance of a race known as the Gou'old. They
posses the ability to travel throughout the galaxy in a matter of
weeks, and with the alien Stargate network, in minutes. They also
posses ships with emmense firepower. We believe that you have the
resources sufficient to put a stop to them."
The Baron replied, "And we care, because? Look, The only thing that I
give a damn about are the welfare of this sector, the loyalty of my
people, and the daily kickbacks and bribes I recieve. And furthermore,
I believe we have nothing to worry about this Gou'old that you speek
of."
Lieutenat Fromage continued, "Look, maybe if we speak things out, we
can come to a deal."
Colonel Jones opened up his eyes to view the dark, damp interior of
the holding cell.
"Nice going, dickwad." he said to Lieutenant Fromage.
"How was I supposed to know that campfire songs would piss the hell
out of them?"
Just then, the white-clad man they saw with Baron von Lowe and Colonel
Dalton appeared.
"Hey! It must be one of the scientists! Maybe he will help!"
The man stepped into the light, revealing his half-cybernetic face.
"Uhh, I don't think he's a scientist!" exclaimed Lieutenant Fromage.
"Oh, really, you think?" said Colonel Jones.
The man spoke, "I am Lieutenant Hit-Man, and today, you are all my
bitches!"
At that moment Lieutenant Fromage shat his pants.
Lieutenant Hit-Man looked at Fromage. "I think I'll start with you!"
Lieutenant Fromage began to squirm and shake in his shakles, but it
was no use. And even then, his squrming began to stop, as control of
his body was stolen from him. He began to feel great, tremendous pain,
as he felt an invisible hand grip his testicles. If it hadn't been so
painful, he would have greatly enjoyed the experience. The pain
increased tenfold, as he could now feel the sensation of burning coals
in his pants. He wanted to scream, but he was robbed of control of his
vocal cords as well. All he could do was breath sporadically. All he
wanted to do was to die. But Lieutenant Hit-Man wouldn't let him. He
wouldn't even let Fromage faint from the pain. He wanted Fromage to
experience all that there possibly was to experience.
Lieutenant Hit-Man was stopped only by the order of Baron von Lowe, as
he stepped into the dark chamber.
"Now hold it, we don't want them killed yet. Let's first find out
about where they come from. And then..." Baron von Lowe looked over at
Lieutenant Kennedy.
"Blimey! I dunnot wanna die! I wanna me mommie!"
"On second thought, we don't need all of them." Von Lowe then walked
over to Kennedy. He had special plans for him. He took out a simple
vibroblade, and slowly sliced off Kennedy's ears. He let him know,
just before slicing the left ear off, that this was merely the
beginning. Taking out a syringe, he inserted it into Kennedy's crotch,
and Kennedy screamed in pain as both his testicles slowly dissolved in
acidic bath. He then felt his muscles weakening as they too started to
dissolve and peel themselves off from their bones and each other.
Kennedy was slowly, painfully, and literally, falling apart from the
inside out. Within a few hours, Kennedy would become nothing more but
a loose bag of dissolved organic mass.
"Now, tell us where you came from" said von Lowe.
Major Jacques, looking on with horror at the dissolving of Kennedy,
said in a panic, "Ummm...we come from Earth. And don't even think
about invading us, because, uhhhh...we have bozon feilds that can wipe
you out!"
"The moron probably doesn't know what a bozon field is. Kill him,
too."
"Nooooooooooo!"
Von Lowe took his vibroblade and slowly peeled off the skin around
Major Jaques' arms and hands. He looked in horror at his now exposed
ligaments and muscles. Amazing enough, he could still move them.
Von Lowe spoke up, "Men, bring in the pig!"
Major Jacques' hopes had now risen despite his condition. At least his
last act in life will be that of his wildest dreams.
The pig was brought in the cell, and was made to present itself to
Major Jacques. Almost instinctively, Major Jacques proceeded to play
with the beast. However, to his horror, contact of the beast with his
raw hands had brought along shocking pain. But he simply could not
stop. No matter how hard he tried, he could not keep his exposed hands
away from the beast. Even though this meant unbelievable pain, he had
to go on. Eventually, he got the beast worked up enough so that it
ejaculated, right on the exposed muscles of his arms. The acidic goo
felt like a million suns. Unfortunately, even then he would not stop.
Major Jacques would only do so with his death due to massive bleeding,
which would not be for hours.
Lieutenant Fromage began persperating at a wild rate. He had already
experienced what was in store for him, and he did not wish to do so
again. He somehow broke from his chains and had managed to escape back
to the Stargate. Colonel Jones did the same and followed. However,
they were met by a few Stormtroopers, who immidately aimed at their
heads. One of the stormtroopers fired a shot, but due to typical bad
aim, hit Lieutenant Fromage's crotch instead. His only thoughts
concerned how this was at least far less painful than what he had
experienced with Lieutenant Hit-Man.
"Don't worry, Colonel. My days are over. Save yourself!"
As he watched Fromage being beaten to death, Colonel Jones lept into
the Stargate. He knew that he was to be spared from the horrendous
torture that he had witnessed. He knew what he had to do; he would
have to write up a report about this and advise against sending any
additional teams to this planet. However, at that moment he also
rememebered about what General Hammond said concerning locking out
their codes to the Stargate. Without them, the impenetrable Iris on
the Earth Stargate would not open, and he would slam into it at the
speed of hyperspace.
The operator at the controls of the Stargate, back in Cheyenne
Mountain, contacted General Hammond as soon as he noticed the spike.
"Sir, according to this log, there was an unauthorized entry into the
Stargate."
"Are they getting through?"
"Negative. They hit the Iris some time ago."
Another officer spoke up. "I wonder what happens to a person when he
slams into that thing?"
The officer replied, "I don't know. Theoretically, the space-time
distortion of the wormhole really screws things up; imagine having
your balls being massaged by a cheese grater at the speed of light,
and having that happen to you an infinate amount of times. Needless to
say, whatever happened to him, it's not very fun."