God Questionaire by Straha from bbs.stardestroyer.net God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about God? __ Bible __ Torah __ Koran __ Other Book __ Television __ Newspaper __ Tabloid __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience __ Burning Shrubbery __ Divine Inspiration __ Other (specify): _______ 2. Which model God did you acquire? __ Yahweh __ Jehovah __ Allah __ Jesus __ Three Pack (Father Son & Holy Ghost) __ None of the above (False Gods Satan Wicca) 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:_________________________________________ _____________________________________________ 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire God? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Indoctrinated by society __ Fear of death __ Desperate need for certainty __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Like Organ Music __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Hate to think for myself __ Needed a reason to live __ Needed focus in on who to despise __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it __ A day away from work 5. Have you ever worshiped a God before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Odin __ Zeus __ Apollo __ Bacchus __ Ra __ The Sun __ The Moon __ Atheism __ Satan __ Satin __ Bill Clinton __ Bill Gates __ The Bomb __ Slim Pickins __ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Almighty Dollar __ A burning Busch Lite __ Barney __ Other: __________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Astrology __ Fortune cookies __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Biorhythms __ Crystals __ Tea Leaves __ Television __ Self-help books __ Pyramids __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Kama Sutra __ Bill Clinton __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll __ Wandering around a desert __ Human Sacrifice __ Mantras __ Satanic Cult __ Burning Shrubbery __ Barney __ Barney Fife __ None __ Other: _________ 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): Disasters Flood....................... Famine..................... Earthquake............... War......................... Pestilence................. Plague...................... Moral Majority......... SPAM..................... Bill Gates................. Bob Saget................ 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 Miracles Rescues.............................................. Spontaneous remissions...................... Stars hovering over towns................... Crying statues..................................... Water changing to wine....................... Walking on water............................... (Hudson River excluded) Talking flaming shrubbery.................... VCR's that set their own clocks.......... Saddam Hussein still alive................... Cubs winning the Series...................... Clinton's re-election............................ 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ Thank you for your Patronage!