From: mikewongisgod@hotmail.com (RayCav) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Subject: Re: [KAZ] The Greatest Story Ever Told Date: 13 Apr 2002 07:48:56 -0700 Matthew Hyde wrote in message news:<3CB7AEF7.E415BD62@mtu.edu>... > Charles Sonnenburg wrote: > > > > > > The first sequel. > > Well, yeah :) Now I wish that, instead of "and they got back together" , I > had said "then they had sex." I guess it's fanfic time once again.... Dalton, you know what to do:) What REALLY happened after _The Odyssey_ We all know about the story of Odyesseus and Peneolope and of his long arduous journey to return to his love, but what happened after they got back together? Piecing together recently recovered Ancient Greek court records, we can now finally know the truth. JUDGE: All rise for "Penelope vs. Odysseus." The charge against the defendent is massive adultery. Please begin the proceedings. P'S LAWYER: Your honour, it is my duty today to show to the jury of this court that the defendent, Mr. Odysseus, comitted massive adultery while he was away fighting the Trojan War. I will also show that only a man of absent morals can possibly commit such shameful acts in defiance of the sacred institution of marriage. O'S LAWYER: Your honour, I intend to prove that my client is innocent, that he did not ingage in willful extramariatal sex, that he was forced into any inapproprate relations through the use of force. JUDGE: You may call your first witnesses. P'S LAWYER: I call to the stand a Ms. Calypso. (CALYPSO WALKS IN) P'S LAWYER: Ms. Calypso, did you not engage in sexual relationships with the defendent? CALYPSO: Yes, I have. P'S LAWYER: And how long was this, "relationship?" CALYPSO: Over a year at least. (GASPS FROM JURY) P'S LAWYER: As you can see, this clearly proves that the defendent did indeed engage in an extramaratal affair. (CROSS-EXAMINATION) O'S LAWYER: Ms. Calypso, can you please give further details on this "extramarital affair?" CALYPSO: Well, I was kinda feeling lonely. You see, being on an island, I have been viewing the same porno tapes for years, and when salt water gets into your vibrator it just isn't the same. Then all of a sudden I see this handsome guy sail around, and I'm like "Yay, this is my big chance to orgasm again!" So being a Diety I trap him on my island and force him to, you know, fuck me. JUDGE: May we ask you to refrain from that word? CALYPSO: Sorry. I meant to say, "screw me." JUDGE: May we also ask you to refrain from that phrase? CALYPSO: Sorry. What I meant to say was, "screw you." JUDGE: I will have none of this disobedience in my courtroom! Bailif, you may excuse the witness! (THE BAILIFF ESCORTS CALYPSO OUT OF THE ROOM) O'S LAWYER: As you can clearly see, the defendent was coerced into having an extramarital affair with a Deity whose powers he cannot overcome. P'S LAWYER: Objection, your honour! I intend to prove that it is possible to resist the temptation of a diety! I call my next witness, Zeus! (ZEUS WALKS INTO THE ROOM. HE IS WEARING A SUIT AND TIE INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TOGA AND HAS AN ARKANSAS ACCENT) ZEUS: My fella' Grecians, I have decended from the White Temple to be here with you mortals today, to finally end the conflict that has engulfed Middle Ithaca and to prevent it from spreading into our NMTO (North Mediteranean Treaty Organization) allies. O'S LAWYER: Zeus, would you please tell me about your relationship with your wife, Hera? ZEUS: My relationship with my wife is a private matter! Otherwise, she helped me with the Deity primaries coming, so yes. O'S LAWYER: Yes what? ZEUS: We have a good relationship. O'S LAWYER: Then what about your relationship with Demeter, of which was born an illegitamate daughter! ZEUS: Hot damn! I knew I shouldn't have gotten drunk with her! Maybe next time this will remind me to use protection, you know? O'S LAWYER: That is beside the point of this trial. ZEUS: I have syphilis, you know? O'S LAWYER: I move that last comment be stricken from the record. JUDGE: I couldn't agree more. O'S LAWYER: Returning to the trial, did you not have inappropriate relations with Ms. Demeter? ZEUS (LOOKS TO HERA) I...did not have...sexual relations...with that woman (NOW LOOKS TO DEMETER) Ms. Demeter. (HEARS A BEEPING SOUND) Hot damn, Persia's got the bomb! Well, looks like I better go. (ZEUS RUNS AWAY) JUDGE: Well, that was utterly useless and a complete waste of our time. You may call the next dumbass, I mean witness! P'S LAWYER: I call to the stand...Circe! (CIRCE WALKS IN AND TAKES THE STAND) P'S LAWYER: Circe, tell us exactly what happened while Odysseus was on your island. CIRCE: Well, I was kinda feeling lonely. You see, being on an island.... JUDGE: May I ask you to skip over the part about being lonely on an island? CIRCE: Yes, sir. Anyway, well, I saw this large group of men sail over, and when I saw them, I began to orgasm wildly, and I wanted them to come over. So I lured them to my island, but only a few of them came, and they weren't exactly "creme de la creme," if you understand me. O'S LAWYER: Objection, your honour! I move that we forbid the use of languages that have yet to be invented! JUDGE: Objection overruled, please proceed. CIRCE: Anyway, I thought that maybe if they went missing, the others would come look for them, and I was feeling like bacon at the time, so I turned them into pigs. And sure enough, Odyesseus and the rest of his men came. When Odysessues saw me, though, he charged at me with his sword! At first I said, "Oh, well, this is a new type of BSDM for me, but whatever floats your boat. You have to walk me through it though." but then he said "This is no joke turn my men back now!" so I did, then I began crying, feeling bad about everything, and then I explained to him that I was just a little lonely, and then for about a year or so he began fucking the hell out of my bones. P'S LAWYER: Can you please tell the court what Odysseus said to you before he left? CIRCE: "Oh crap I forgot about my wife!" P'S LAWYER: No, the other thing. CIRCE: "Wow I never knew that could go there before!" P'S LAWYER: Never mind. Needless to say, this is clear evidence of Odyesseus' willful disregard for his own marriage! O'S LAWYER: I object! Clearly, the witness' credability is at best questionable! JUDGE: What makes you think that? O'S LAWYER: My client claims that he did not forget about his wife, he just didn't care! JUDGE: Then why did he leave suddenly? O'S LAWYER: He claims Circe just wasn't putting out like she used to. JUDGE: Objection sustained. You may call your next slut, I mean witness! P'S LAWYER: I call to the stand everybody else that Odyesses had inappropriate relations with! (THE COURT ROOM IS FILLED WITH DIETIES, SIRENS AND TROJAN WHORES) WHORES: Where there's whores, there's Trojans! JUDGE: Sigh. I've had enough of this nonesense. Case dismissed!