Subject: [OT] Life Under My Rule Date: Wed, 08 May 2002 00:24:35 GMT From: "Celes Knight" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Greetings my soon to be loyal subjects. Soon I will be absolute ruler of this pitiful planet. Then it shall be a capital crime to even think about me in less than a reverent way. It goes without saying that I could never again ask for advice. So, in the few days that I yet remain a mortal, I have decided to give you a preview of what life will be like under my rule. Everyone who has ever posted to this group shall be found. Some of you--the ones I like--will be made my untrusted advisors. The rest I shall have punished as Defectives. Before I get into what that means, you should know that there will be only two taxes in my system. An absolute flat tax on income and on purchases. I will start with about 10% income and 5% purchase taxes. By itself that won't be enough to run my oppressive empire, but that will be OK. I'll save money by abolishing the legal system. I will find sadists--people who get off on suffering--and will make them judge, jury, and (it almost goes without saying) executioner. Since they will naturally love their work, paying them won't really be important. Punishment of Defectives and criminals shall take place over pay-per-view. I figure that that will be a substantial source of income in itself. (Helped, no doubt, by the fact that people who don't watch enough PPV will be deemed Defective, and hence eligible for guest-star status on the next PPV episode. It's going to be real Must-See TV.) Next, all abortions that aren't illegal shall be made mandatory. All Defectives will be aborted, and abortion will be made retroactive to take care of adults. All other abortions will be make illegal. Not because I care about the kids, but rather because it will make people unhappy. Genetic engineering will also be mandatory. (In twenty years, if you happen to see a lot of college students looking like me, it's not just a coincidence). All pornography and nudity will be outlawed... except for the nightly PPV justice system, which won't be defined as pornography. All drugs that aren't mandatory will be illegal. Illegal drugs will include aspirin and penicillin. Processed sugar will also be ruled a drug an outlawed (except for members of my inner circle. We will be noble enough to submit ourselves to the influence of sugar and aspirin.) Evolution will be outlawed. Not the teaching of evolution, that may continue; however, any species that I find evolving will be made extinct. All transitional fossils will be found and smashed. I would outlaw gravity, but I'll have a much harder time enforcing that. The Mid-East will be outlawed. Millions of slaves will move all the land in the Mid-East into the sea, one shovelfull at a time. The same goes for France. Smoking will be made mandatory. Everyone must smoke a full cigar when filling up the fuel tank. Guel will consist of liquid hydrogen that's been pre-mixed with liquid oxygen. Except for my personal limo, which will remain gas powered. All countries (or rather, administative districts) will be color coded. That way I'll know what they are when I fly over to survey my empire. All admin. districts will have English nams defining what they are. SheepLand. DirtStan. YouDon'tMatterLand. GlowingGlassParkinglotStan. Trees will be made illegal. So will dolphins, manatees, the spotted owl, alligators, and elephants. All must be destroyed. Tasmania will be renamed Tansania. It will be made it's own country and moved shovelfull by shovelful to Africa. This will be made retroactive. Formica will be illegal. Time fears the pyramids? I shall teach the pyramids to fear me. A 100 megaton nuke placed in the queen's chamber should do nicely. There will be an eighth, ninth, and tenth season of ST:TNG. Also, all twelve SW prequels will be made by 2005. Then we'll start on the sequels. Voyager never existed. Anyone who claims that it ever actually existed will be deemed to be Defective. The same goes for any book ever written by Kevin J. Anderson or any movie staring Kevin Costner. Rick Berman never existed. He'd best start denying his identity quick. Same goes for the voice of Jar Jar. Anime will be high art. Picasso and Shakespeare will be considered pulp trash. Leonardo da Vince can remain high art. Only Defectives will think otherwise. I might add a third tax. An air tax. Now that trees are illegal, I can probably make a lot of money taxing the selling air. Actually, now that I think about it, I'll just make it illegal to sell air, and sell it myself. More profits that way. Yanni's music, and the Barney song, will be outlawed. Defective people will be forced to listen to them while awaiting "trial." Star Wars will offically be declared victorious. Every Star Trek episode must start will a disclaimer stating that they would lose a war to any marginally competent enemy. Dialogue and vision effects will be remastered to support this. Anyone who denys that it was originally made that was will be declaired Defective. Sodomy isn't a crime. Sodomy is the punishment for crime. Defectives will be dealt with far more harshly. More seasons of Crest of the Stars will be made. Crest of the Stars offically trumps even Star Wars. Did I miss anything? Celes Knight