THE LAY OF THE HOLY FAQ
by Björn Paulsen (bjorn_paulsen@my-deja.com)

Thanks to the positive response I garnered from the 
Daltonator (thanks Rob!) I decided to write out the whole 
thing. Enjoy, and please let me know what you think.

---------------

Chapter I
  
 "In ages past the times we know,
 some harsh and others bright;
 a light sprang forth and shed its glow
 upon the gaping night.
 Now 'cross the spanning void did grow
 a gleaming sea, a wondrous sight.
  
 But nothing moved, the sea was dead,
 the darkness harsh and chill.
 No ground to touch, no grass to tread,
 no single living will.
 And then a shaping word was said
 that did this darkness fill.
  
 Now did the water foam and boil;
 a jutting rock was seen.
 Upon it rested grass and soil
 a multitude of green.
 The sparrow sang, the snake did coil,
 and thus it's ever been.
  
 The world was new, yet in its heart
 did lurk corruption vile.
 For evil, hate and greed are part
 of dark destruction's bile.
 And so, while humans made their start,
 their foes lurked all the while.
  
 The trolls were few, but growing fast,
 corrupting truth to lies.
 And soon above the ground they massed,
 they raised blashphemous cries:
 'We shall your paltry logic blast
   and scatter you like flies!'
  
 This wicked plague the Old Ones saw,
 and great was their dismay.
 Descend they did to find this flaw
 and rout the darkness fey.
 The Holy Kerkhoff's rage was raw.
 He longed for trolls to flay.
  
 And so these spirits mortal turned;
 their clothes were flesh and bone.
 Their faces fair, with eyes that burned;
 their thews were made of stone.
 And first of them, young Boyd had learned
 that they were not alone.
  
 For mortal warriors were here,
 who fought this battle too.
 They did their hatred fully share -
 their hearts were brave and true.
 They stood against both foes and fear.
 Extinction was their due.
  
 Now spoke the holy Wong to all:
 'Yon slaughter cannot last!
   If all of us do man the wall,
   I vow we shall stand fast!'
 And raise did all a thund'rous call
 who had the trolls harass'd.
  
 And thus the first alliance forged,
 and thus the Knights were born.
 The Knights rode forth, the land was purged,
 the folk had gladly sworn
 their loyal'ty to Wong who'd merged
 their ranks when those were torn.
  
 The trolls drew back, did not return
 again for many years.
 Now did the people build and mourn,
 they digged and shared their fears.
 The fallen ones would never learn
 of past or present cares,
 of blood and sweat and tears.
 But ever would their pyres burn."

--------------

 And thus it is said in the Sacred NG:
  
 "The trolls were gathered on the plains;
 their ranks were vast and seething.
 They seemed to lack both taste and brains,
 their chants don't bear repeating.
 The Knights drew up and formed chains.
 "No Troll shall go on breathing!"
  
 A stalwart steed, a gleaming sword;
 Sir Dice rode off to war.
 Ad hominems swayed not this lord,
 not circ'lar arguments long stored;
 no insult could his armor mar.
 He was the better man by far.
 And at his side, with eyes of blue,
 young Dalton smote the foemen's flanks,
 a glowing sword, swung straight and true
 spread death and carnage in their ranks;
 the twain dealt justly vengeance due.
 The trolls held not the riverbanks.
  
 But lo, they were yet gathering,
 their time was not yet past -
 against their mindless blathering,
 no logic could stand fast.
 And yet it seemed so true a thing
 that we would win at last.
  
 Yet vast and dark and terrible,
 the daemons cleared the battlement.
 They struck down on each parable,
 and shredded every argument
 with savagery unbearable.
 But Wong did see; he swiftly went.
 His words were steel, his vision clear;
 his wrath was pure, from heaven sent.
 And with his mighty warriors near
 he spoke the final banishment
 and sent the hellspawn fleeing forth in fear.
  
 Yea, foulness lurked within the land,
 the name of Jacques is ever heard.
 'Twas he who halted Wongs' hand,
 he was by reason undeterred.
 No art of Wong's could keep him banned -
 forsooth, a most tenacious nerd.
  
 But Jacques had help to feed his fire,
 in truth, he had his master's aid,
 the Witch-king's power, dark and dire,
 to help his servant's tiring blade.
 And Jaques did vanish, like a shade,
 and so was saved from Wongs' ire.
  
 The hosts of trolls were pouring back,
 retreating through the canyon.
 And soon Sir Highwind reached the crack
 through which the fleeing trolls had gone.
 And silent lay the dead in stack on stack
 both trolls and valiant knights whose deeds were done.
  
 Then quoth Lord Glasgow: "Now descend!
 And follow me into this cave.
 We must be hunters til the end!"
 And all set out to dangers brave.
 But still some wonder'd, "Do I bend
 to reach into an early grave?"
  
 The hunters crept through silence cold.
 The first of them was Wong, their king.
 And at his side, a wizard old,
 was Tava'koly of the Ring.
 Behind them, armorless but bold,
 was minstrel Poe, whose blade did sing.
  
 The second group in silence came;
 their leader's name was Phong.
 The trolls knew well this warrior's name,
 their fear of him was strong.
 And with him was a cleansing flame;
 his weapon, carried with him for so long.
  
 And still more knights came up behind
 while wishing for a bath,
 they came to fight and evil find,
 to quench their holy wrath.
 Then came they 'pon a fettered mind
 that stood to guard their path.
  
 But Tava'koly cried out "Hold!
 Do not approach this wight!
 I see beyond the deathly cold
 obscuring if from sight.
 Aye, if we were to free that hold,
 I vow it shall not fight."
  
 And so the wizard spoke the words
 and cast away the blight.
 And even January's lords
 were stunned at the sight.
 They crowed aloud and raised their swords
 and laughed in delight.
  
 For here there stood a warrior wise
 whom many of them knew.
 And HIT-MAN raised his burning eyes
 and nodded at the crew.
 He said: "I met the lord of lies
 and know what he can do."
  
 Now, guided by Sir HIT-MAN strong,
 whose rage did feed his brawn,
 they traveled far through tunnels long;
 towards the Witch-king drawn.
 Sir HIT-MAN told them what was wrong
 about this daemons' spawn.
  
 The Witch-king Kennedy hid smiles
 upon his throne of steel.
 "They come to die, in stacks and piles,
 they come here but to kneel.
 Fear not, my henchmen, for my wiles
 will soon bring them to heel."
  
 At this he ancient symbols drew,
 his voice was bleak with hate.
 A wind of screams and laughter blew
 refusing to abate.
 And from the very shadows grew
 a swirling hellish gate.
  
 Through this enchantment creatures milled;
 the armies of the dark.
 They laughed and titter'd as they killed
 the knights knew terror stark.
 But still Phong kept his terror stilled
 his Mallet raised a spark.
  
 And now the Mallet light defied.
 Lord Strowbridge raised the FAQ,
 And many trolls were terrified;
 they feared the truth they lack.
 Against the wav'ring of the tide
 the knights did slash and hack.
  
 The knights did daemons crush and rend,
 as Tava'koly's spells
 did multitudes of spammers send
 into the burning hells.
 Yet nothing seemed to put an end
 unto their many friends.
  
 Then Edam struck a crushing blow
 upon the tunnel wall.
 Among the trolls did terror grow
 as rocks began to fall.
 The knights sprang back; the trolls were slow.
 The rockslide buried all.
  
 The knights did gather, cursing fate
 and turned back to go.
 And Seifert let his rage abate,
 and bound his wounded brow.
 He hoped that the fickle fate
 would send more trolls to mow.
  
 The knights emerged, they saw the stars,
 the horrors were now past.
 But everyone retained their scars
 their memories did last.
 This was the first of many wars
 when trolls their armies massed."
  
 -- The Lay of the Holy FAQ, Chapter Two