GOLDEN STAR DESTROYER AWARDS


[Scene fades in to applauding audience]
Announcer: Welcome to the second Golden Star Destroyer Awards, presented by some of the copyrighted characters of fiction that will no doubt result in lawsuits! And now here's your host....
[Stormtrooper walks out on stage, then removes his helmet amid applause to reveal a slightly sweaty Billy Crystal]
Billy Crystal: Good evening. [pauses as cheers continue] Thank you! Thank you. [cheers die down] You know, you'd think they'd keep those tuxedo shops open a little later. [polite laughter] Good evening and welcome to the Second Golden Star Destroyer Awards Celebration, I'm Billy Crystal, but you can call me captain of the gang that can't shoot straight. I'd give you some of my classic Jewish humor, but the author of this piece is part German and we all know what their idea of Jewish humor really is. [laughter] "Vhat? No, itz a shower, get in there!" Ha-ha, Godwin in one, anyway we've got a great show for you tonight; we've got twenty-two awards to give out plus the coveted Lifetime Achievement Award, so don't go away!
[Exits stage left]
Announcer: Here to present the Darth Vader "The Force is Strong in this One" Award for Best Character Development, Subcommander T'Pol and Barb Wire.
[Dressed in low-cut evening gowns, the two presenters strut out from opposite ends of the stage to the sound of applause. As they arrive T'Pol's breasts knock over several of the awards; more fall as Barb attempts to catch them, her breasts swatting them about like bowling pins. After several seconds, all have been knocked to the floor]
Voice: At last!
[Screaming begins as Paul Jacques runs up and snatches an award]
Paul: Ah've dohne it! Ah ahm ze fanfic mast-air! You will-EEEIIIII!!!!
[Paul falls over as several security guards shoot him with tasers. He is picked up and, using his head to open the door, tossed out into the street. A stagehand gathers the awards into a bag and sets it on the floor near the podium.]
T'Pol: [speaking woodenly] The importance of character development in a story cannot be emphasized enough. Rich characters mean a rich story, and add a dimension of reality to an otherwise unbelievable tale.
Barb Wire: [speaking in a voice intended to be sexy but makes you kind of sad and frightened] The nominees for Best Character Development are:
Conquest
'"Shut up! Shut up with that damned self-righteous Vulcan attitude!" Chang shouted. He pulled off his helmet and showed Marek his mangled face, still missing one eye and still badly scarred from the Borg implants. "Do you have any idea what I've been through, Marek? I dragged myself out of sickbay to come find you! I wouldn't even be standing if the medics didn't pump me full of drugs before sending me on this mission! I have to wear this stormtrooper armour because I'm still not fit to be seen in public! So don't talk to me about your suffering, Marek. I've gone to Hell and back for the Federation! What have you done?"'

Against All Odds
"I'm in control now and we both know why; it's because I'm the strong one. I'm the one who could do what you couldn't do: stop the Borg. I saved your precious little girlfriend, and don't you ever forget it!" He kicked a huge lump of concrete out of his way. "When push came to shove, who did you turn to for salvation? Me! If it weren't for me she'd be dead and you kriffing know it!"
"That may be true," Luke's voice echoed across the landscape, "But I don't need you any more."
"Well too bad," Skywalker roared at him. "I'm out and I'm here to stay! You had your chance Wormie; now it's time to step out of the way and let me do what needs to be done."
"I can't do that. I told her I'd come back, and I always keep my promises."

SOLO
"Leia," he began, but she cut him off. "Do you realize," she interrupted him, her voice cold, "how much you've embarrassed me, tonight?" Han watched as she turned to him, her multi-colored evening gown seeming to change hues with her every movement. Han had shouldered out of his formal attire as soon as he returned to their suite. "But Leia... he PAINTED it!!" he responded, indignant. "Was that any reason to hit him? To turn an induction ceremony into a barroom brawl? Administrator Windemere is the museum's curator. It was his JOB to restore the Falcon." Han looked away, glowering. Ever since his pride and joy, the Millenium Falcon was donated to the museum, he felt as though he donated a kidney.

ISD Eliminator
'The engineer saluted and hurried off. Issard squinted out over the lake again. The small group of swimmers were drying themselves off on the narrow beach. He didn't know whether they had just come off a shift or were about to start one. For a second he wondered at himself. He couldn't remember ever having been so concerned about the people placed in his care before, or so disturbed at losing anybody either. Slapping his palm against his thigh he abruptly turned away.'

Past Imperfect
"What are you looking at?" Han demanded. "You think that hunk of junk out there would have made even the slightest difference to that Death Star?" He said, motioning in the general direction of his pride and joy, the Millennium Falcon. "We're a tramp freighter, not a battle station killer!" Chewbacca just continued to stare him down.
Chewie growled in a low voice. "Oh, you thought I was an Imperial officer and not a freer of condemned slaves, huh? That's just my point! I let my guard down one time and get involved in someone else's fight, and look what happened... I got busted down out of the Imperial Navy. A dishonest discharge. Reduced to smuggling because no one in their right mind would hire a Imperial washout!" Han summoned all of the bitterness he could buster for a final parting shot. "Thanks for reminding me how much my life improved helping you out, pal."

And the award goes to...[Barb bends forward to open bag; entire audience stands up to stare down her low-cut dress] Against All Odds.
[Chuck walks up the stage and accepts the award]
Chuck: Thank you. Say, you doin' anything after the show?
T'Pol: In your dreams.
Chuck: But, but I'm the author.
T'Pol: I know [hands over motel key]. That's what I meant.
Chuck: Uh, ooookay! Um, I don't know what to say. [band plays and he's ushered off]
Billy Crystal: [pulls on the lapels of his tuxedo] Got this off a French Canadian I found in the dumpster out back. Here to present the Grand Moff Tarkin "Evacuate? In our Moment of Triumph?" Award for Best Ending are John Cleese and Terry Jones of Monty Python.
John Cleese: A well-written story is only half the battle. A good tale should provide not only substance, but satisfying closure. Don't you agree Terry?
Terry Jones: Oh definitely. I couldn't imagine writing a story with a terrible ending.
John Cleese: Neither could I. Anyway, here are the nominations for Best Ending.
Terry Jones:
Against All Odds
"How do you think it ends?"
Luke stood up as Annika came over, and they wrapped their arms around each other before the distant suns, gazing deeply into one another's eyes. At long last, they finally felt free.
"I think they lived happily ever after."
Their eyes finally closed, and their lips met, and the rest of the universe seemed to fade away.
"I think so too. Good night."

Flesh & Metal
Skynet looked at Connor, uncertain of what was going on. Then it looked at where it had landed, and realization set in. Connor's face bore a nasty grin. "Hasta la vista, baby," and he hit the button on the console.
There were several arcs of electricity out of the air into Jones as he stood on the platform of the time machine. Then there was a blinding flash of light, and he was gone. Hit-man looked between the time machine and Connor, rubbing the side of his face. "What'd you do that for?" he demanded.
"Justice," Connor said. "Poetic justice."

The Outpost
"This museum to you...is hard to grasp, yes?" queried Boyd.
"Yessir. We just don't understand why the Federation did the things they did to their people."
Boyd chuckled. "Maybe *I* can explain to you, me being the one who had to clean all this up."
"Now...when we first arrived..."
The class sat on the floor, paying rapt attention to the Grand Admiral recounting his famed exploits. It wasn't everyday that you got to seeand hear of history personally and up-close.

Blaze of Glory
"Glory, glory, hallelujah! Glory, glory, hallelujah! Glory, glory, hallelujah! His truth is marching on!"
With that, the helmsman hit the button, and they went to warp.
A line of fire sliced through the _Onslaught_, and both were consumed in a spectacular fireball of exploded matter and loosed energy.
The Imperial threat was no more."

Balance of the Force
"You refer to the prophecy of the one who will bring balance balance balance to the Force......" Anakin's heels dug in and he screeched to a halt before the infernal machine, the unwitting destroyer of all life. "....you believe it's this boy?" He brought his blade up high, then brought it down with all his strength.
"He is the chosen one."

John Cleese: [rummaging through the bag] And the award goes to... Against All Odds.
Rob Dalton: [walks out from stage left] Um, Chuck's busy right now; he asked me to accept this on his behalf. I'm sure he wants to thank everybody, um, except Ryan who can kiss his ass! Thank you! [exits]
Announcer: Here to present the General Veers "You May Start Your Landing" Award for Best Ground Combat, Arnold Schwartzenegger and Bugs Bunny.
Arnold: Woors are not won in ouder spaze, dey are won on the ground.
Bugs: [wearing army helmet] Unless the battle is fought in space, doc.
Arnold: Do not be making fun of me, little rabbit!
Bugs: Perish the thought. [taps Arnold's shoulder]
Arnold: [turning] Who is dere? I am giving dis award now. Who is dere? [Bugs is holding up a sign showing a picture of a screw and a ball; he hides it as Arnold turns back] Can you believe dis?
Bugs: Nope, which is why it's time to present the award for Ground Combat.
Arnold: I know dat.
Bugs: And the nominees are:
Suicide Squad
The debate had been in progress for three hours, during which time Sergeant Kynes had imbibed enough alcohol to debilitate him very severely. Earlier in the day, he had been occupied with getting drunk and beating people up. Now that he was sufficiently drunk and had beaten up no less than four people, he had decided that the next step was to get laid.

Arnold: Wait, what das this have to do with ground combat?
Bugs: Nothing, I just really liked that part.
Arnold: Don't be trying my patience little rabbit!
Bugs:
Galaxy of War
'Two of his soldiers, who had come charging up behind him, jumped over his sprawled figure and ducked through the entrance into the crosscut, spraying the area with their flechette rifles. Emptying his magazine, the first solder threw himself to the ground, allowing the second soldier to jump over him and into the crosscut. Bevel joined them, and together they raced along the cut, stumbling over Klingon bodies, and slipping in still warm and bubbling lavender fluid seeping out of the bodies. They made it to the entrance leading to the next hatchway, and Bevel made ready to chuck another grenade into the passage to clear it of any likely enemies.'

Phoenix Company
Sheppard nodded. The Cleaners were among the most respected people inShepaprd's fleet. Not only were they pilots, but they were alsowarriors. They were some of the meanest fighters Sheppard had ever knownand were utterly loyal to him and Yates. Often chosen to fulfil thetrickiest or most hazardous missions, they had never disappointed him."Very well. Make the arrangements yourself. If there's nothing else, Ithink we can get back to work."

Bugs: Wait a minute. That doesn't sound like Phoenix Company.
Arnold: I couldn't find Phoenix Company in de archive, so I used Oath of Allegiance by Jonaton Boyd. I tought no one would notice.
Bugs: Uh, okay. Nice job there, big guy.

Imperial Phoenix
'Suddenly, Hit-Man executed a breathtaking leap, somersaulting over Yates' head. Yates finished loading the cell into his E-11 and turned to follow Hit-Man.
What he saw further convinced him that Hit-Man was either insane; or very, very good. Hit-Man was in the middle of a throng of creatures. They surrounded him completely, but Hit-Man's motions weren't those of a scared man. They were those of a possessed man.
As Yates watched, Hit-Man swung his lightsaber so fast, that it left a momentary afterimage on his retina. The black blade cut deeply into the creatures, meeting almost no resistance as Hit-Man plied his deadly trade.
Creature after creature fell at Hit-Man's feet, victims of his deadly lightsaber. Even with the assistance of Hit-Man, there were too many of the creatures for the Cleaners to handle alone.'

Rasputin
'"Damn it!" shouted Zaaron. "Gunners, I want my sky cleared now! CAG, where's my air support?" the radio crackled in reply - the TIEs were already dealing with the craft over beta group. Zaaron swore as another pair of shuttles crested a distant hill, their relative speeds making them pass overhead before they could fire. The juggernaughts crested the hill and hurtled into the air like stunt cars, their massive wheels spinning mid-air as they slowly landed with a colossal *crunch* on some farmstead. Their passage churned up crops, buildings, assorted machinery and several unlucky people who picked a bad day to work. The first shuttle that flew overhead, firing as it went, was struck simultaneously by several shots and exploded with a flash of antimatter.'

Arnold: And the award goes to...[bends over and reaches into bag; as he pulls it out Bugs kicks him in the butt and sends him down the stairs, snatching the award out of the air]
Bugs: Pheonix Company!
[Ryan runs up the stage]
Ryan: Whoo-hoo! All right! I'd like to thank everybody who supported Pheonix Company and my fanfics. It's been great. Also thanks to Tom Clancy who kicks ass!!! [exits as music plays]
Announcer: Now giving the Lando Calrissian "We'll Last Longer Than We Will Against That Death Star!" Award for Best Space Battle, Jay and Silent Bob.
[Jay waves to the crowd as the pair come out]
Jay: Thank yous! [crowd cheers] Yeah! In fiction no one can...[holds up notecard] Dude, I'm not f*cking reading that. [Bob points to it emphatically] F*ck this, I'm not reading this gay shit. Where's the f*ckin' author? [points] Yeah, I see you hiding down there. F*ckin' pussy Sonnenburg, come up here and read this bullshit yourself. [Bob begins rifling through bag for award] Not comin' up here? F*ckin' pussy. Against All Odds, yeah, against the wall getting f*cked up the ass, huh; yeah, you know that's what you want. Cocksmoker. Probably think you're gonna win this one too, huh? Ya cocky motherf*cker. Worlds Without End was a piece of shit! I took that story and wiped my f*ckin' ass with it. What? [Bob, holding the award, rolls his eyes and gestures at the podium] All right, let's get this gay shit over with, and Sonnenburg, you take one step near this podium I'll stick this award up your f*ckin' ass. Noogans. The nominees for Best Space Battle are:
Conquest
'The cloaked Tanaka passed through the breach in the shield, and through the burning wreckage of a wrecked Carrack cruiser. Ships were darting back and forth over the surface of the Death Star now, blasting away at the surface and desperately trying to evade the streams of defensive fire coming back up at them. But the Death Star was thickly, massively armoured, and many of its vital areas had their own protective shield systems. A thousand explosions bloomed on its surface, and he could see how badly its surface had been scarred by the superlaser and the subsequent attack. Flames belched from thousands of damaged and destroyed surface structures, and thousands of glowing craters pockmarked its surface. However, the battle station's sheer bulk was so vast that all of this destruction was still not enough. This is taking far too much time, Picard thought to himself.'

Fist of the Empire
'Federation Peregrines dueled with Tie Defenders in a vicious dogfight around the dueling titans. However, for once, despite outnumbering the enemy, the Empire didn't have the advantage. The thirty Carrack Cruisers were at a disadvantage to the heavy warships of the allies. Worf stood on the bridge of the Kronos One and reveled in the glory of battle. The massive ship, a heavy cruiser even by Imperial standards, pummeled one Carrack after another, lances of disruptor beams and green pulses impacting along the Imperial Carracks, though the energy was returned in kind with heavy plasma barrages. The shields of the Kronos One held, and two massive pulse disruptors opened fire on an unshielded carrack directly ahead, punching through to it's reactor and triggering an explosion which obliterated the aft two thirds of the ship. The third kill.'

Worlds Without End
Jay: No f*ckin' way. Next!

Clash of the Titans
Jay: That movie kicked so much ass. [Bob grins and nods] That bitch with the snakes in her hair; oh yeah, gimme some of that lovin', nooch.
"The bioships broke formation, manoeuvring rapidly to avoid the turbolaser bolts. They returned fire individually, almost immediately hitting three frigates, all of which exploded in an eye watering glare. The remaining Imperial ships regrouped, and poured fire at the bioships. Two of the bioships took multiple direct turbolaser hits, and were destroyed, but the others fired again, destroying the remaining frigates. The two surviving Imperial ships continued firing, destroying a third bioship, but they also turned to escape. It was clear that they couldn't defeat these aliens alone, and it was important that a warning was given to the empire. However, it proved useless, the aliens were fast and nimble, and both ships were struck before they could make their jumps to hyperspace."

Empire Scouts Out The Federation
Voyager had launched a spread of five missiles at the Manta, which was executing a 10g turn to avoid the missiles. The missiles followed his track, closing distance rapidly at nearly three times the speed of light. Apparently Voyager had missile weapons which it could launch even at speeds in excess of light-speed. All the missiles would have struck Manta except for one thing. The apparently stupid commander was still laying down a barrage of turbolaser fire in the direction of the speeding Voyager, and by luck or determination the missiles flew straight into the barrage. Three of the missiles were destroyed in spectacular explosions. The remaining two missiles smacked into Manta's port side.

Bob: And the award goes to Fist of the Empire.
[Marina runs up the stairs and Bob hands her the award]
Marina: Thanks to everybody who read my work, I'm really happy you enjoyed it. I promise more will be coming soon!
Jay: Say, uh, you ever see Chasing Amy?
Marina: Yes.
Jay: Oh. Never mind then. [Marina exits stage left] [speaking to Bob] What, it worked in the movie! [Bob shakes his head as they exit stage right]
Billy Crystal: Well, an awards presenter hitting on the winner. Nothing but the highest quality entertainment at the Golden Star Destroyer Awards. And speaking of quality, next up is the Obi-Wan Kenobi "Yet Another Pathetic Lifeform" Award for Best Killing of TOWNMNBS, presented by Neelix and a random Ewok.
[Neelix comes out in a tuxedo that would stand out in a disco, an Ewok at his side.]
Neelix: [enthusiastic] Thank you Mr. Crystal for that most wonderful introduction, and may I say- [Neelix is cut off as someone in the crowd stands up, aims a rocket launcher, and blows up the podium, the Ewok, and Neelix. Bits of garish upholstery rain down on the cheering crowd.]
Billy Crystal: Uh, okay! Well, perhaps I'll present the award...if that meets with your approval. [waits nervously as a new podium is delivered] Ah, good. Well, the nominees for Best Killing of Timothy Jones are:
An ASVS Christmas Carol
'The spirit's hand lashed out at the words, and for a moment Ebenezer Jones thought he was going to strangle him. It was then that Jones saw the spirit clutching a Glock semi-automatic. Three rounds slammed into his body, and he toppled into the bottom of the open grave. The spirit tossed the gun into the grave with the corpse and pulled back his hood.
"Jesus," said Lt. HIT-MAN, "I thought he'd never shut the fuck up."'

Hitman's Journal: Honor Bound
'"Well, I must say, this guy is all heart," LT.Hit-Man said to Ezri as slid his human hand under Jones's still beating heart, slowly tightening his grip on the wet pulsating organ, savouring the finality of death that was about to dealt to the suffering bag of nearly dead meat.'

Battleground Alpha
'Jones was running faster than he believed possible for the human body. Another second and he would be at the trees. With a nose-breaking thud, he hit the boundary of the pocket universe Q had created. He clawed frantically at the space in front of him, only to find that the trees were cruelly placed just out of his reach. Heart beating ever quicker, he turned to see Sir Graeme advancing steadily on him, cutting off his escape. He screamed Q's name over and over, but the distant entity merely looked on, a fascinated expression on his face. Curling up, Jones collapsed on the ground. As Sir Graeme raised the massive sword, his blood pressure peaked at well over 10 times its normal levels. As the 2 metre long blade sliced into him, his head exploded like a burst balloon, spraying blood everywhere. Opening his mouth wide, Sir Graeme drank gratefully before picking up Jones' carcass.'

Flesh & Metal
Why was he rolling into the center of the room?
"Testing," said the voice from the speakers around the room. "Testing." A few moments silence. "One, two, three....."
What was going on? Timothy wondered. Then, for no reason, he raised his right arm, then his left, then he touched his nose. He couldn't understand it. And then he realized, he was paralyzed again.... except he was moving. How was that possible? And then, the explanation, like the judgment from above.
"Transfer complete. Host functioning within expected parameters."

Strange Destinies
Suddenly, it occurred to Tim to fire at the aliens. Hefired blindly at the stormtroopers, blasting one in the thigh, eliciting an all-too-human scream. He grazed the helmet of another, knocking him down. One of the stormtroopers raised his rifle, firing. The blaster bolt caught Tim flat in the face, spraying his blood and brains against the console and viewscreen behind him . . .

Billy Crystal: And the award goes to Hit-Man's Journal, Honor Bound!
[Hit-Man force leaps right next to Billy Crystal and swipes the award.
Hit-Man: Allow me to present this short holographic presentation!
Billy Crystal: Um, actually we don't have [lightsaber ignites] to rush things, do we? Everyone shakes their head vehemently.
Hit-Man: Thank you. A little glimpse at what might have been. [a hologram of the hall appears for all to see]
" I'll keep this simple, Thanks." The loony LT.Hit-Man said as he took his award and spoke into the mic, the crow who had come to watch this award ceremony began to squirm in there chairs as LT.Hit-Man looked down on them with that insane, blood chilling smile of his." Let it also be known that from this point on I intend to add more of the warm, red stuff to my fics that you all have come to enjoy, Hehehe."LT.Hit-Man let out a dry chuckle as he looked over at Chuck who was sweating, he was tied with the LT for the goriest fan fic, it was well known that when it came to fan fics the LT was a might touch on them, especially when it came to the application of hot spilled blood,ruptured organs and shattered bones.
Suddenly one of the guests sitting between Dalton and Chuck begin trashing around in his seat as his skin began to turn an ugly shade of putrid green as it began to blister as gurgling screams bubbled up from his throat.
" I mean I just love the GSDA's there such a blast, that's why I must make my fan fics all the more interesting so that I can take part in them when they come around next time." LT.Hit-Man said as his insane smile grew in proportion to the to the doomed guest's trashing, everyone else at the awards just sat there in fear.Unbeknownst to them LT.Hit-Man has snuck into the hall where the GSDA award ceremony was to be held and traps a few of the chairs, in this case the guest had been jab in the leg with a spring loaded needle that was coated with a genetically engineered virus a few seconds before it began to take effect.
The doomed guest let's out one last agony filled gurgling before his blistered skin explodes off of his rotting bones as billions apon billions of maggots shower Dalton and Chuck managed to keep from screaming as they are covered from heard to toe with countless squirming maggots and rotted flesh and liquefied organs. Kynes is hit with the rotting eye balls that had shot out of the doomed guest's skull, Kynes however did scream and ended up with a mouthful of rotting eye balls.
Stuart Mackey and the rest of the members of ASVS-HN new teams who where broadcasting the GSDA awards just stood there with there holo-cam broadcasting the horrific end of the doomed guest.
LT.Hit-Man stood there with a remote in his hand, then without a word he picked up his award(s) and was walking off the stage when he saw that his award(s) had a speck of dust on it(them) and slam it into Wes Hutching's guts and savagely twist it a few times then ripped it out of the dying man's guts and used his hair to polish it(them) and walked away.
[lights return to full brightness and audience applauds Hit-Man exits stage left]
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Ian "Kynes" Samuel!
Kynes: Marina O'Leary, known by many names to us in ASVS, is known most of all for her works of fiction. She brought a preternatural skill for combining intriguing plot concepts with complex and gripping action. Some of her most famous works include Fist of the Empire, Hearts of Darkness, and The Long Patrol. Her love of quality stories and innovation is reflected in her work, and thus is shared with her cherished readers. Marina O'Leary, nominated for Lifetime Achievement Award. [exits stage right]
Billy Crystal: Presenting the Darth Vader "Luke...I am your Father" Award for Most Unexpected Plot Twist, Mr. M. Night Shyamalan.
Shyamalan: Clever twists can make even a mediocre story memorable, and an extraordinary story legendary. The nominees for most unexpected plot twist are:
Conquest
'Kanos made a grandiose gesture toward the city-sized vessel. "Captain, that ship over there is an Eclipse class Star Destroyer. It carries the strongest shields of any Imperial starship. It carries thousands of turbolaser turrets and the superlaser which we demonstrated for you. It is designed to take on entire fleets, and win. Your friend Halsey was wasting his breath by ordering his ships to attack it, and it is a credit to your officer corps that none of those ships followed his foolish commands."
"All very impressive, Kanos. But you haven't told me anything I didn't already know."
"Captain, don't be so impatient. I am showing you this vessel because I have an offer to make."
"And that offer is?"
"I would like you to be the captain of that ship."'

Worlds Without End
'And that was when Luke felt Data. For the first time he felt the emotions of an android and their effect on the Force. It was quite a disconcerting thing, especially considering what he felt: pure hatred. Data grinned at Luke and Leia and snickered.
"Yes indeed," he said slowly, "everything is going exactly as planned. I'm sure your father will be very pleased."'

Past Imperfect
"Red 2, was the attack a success?" General Dodonna's voice inquired. Wedge looked in horror as huge green energy beams began to form a sphere of surging energy above the massive dish shaped opening of the Death Star's superlaser.
"Negative, sir, I'm all that's left, we tried, we tri-" Wedge babbled into the mike.
"Thank you, son," General Dodonna cut him off softly. And then it was all over.
The hideous green surge of power shot from it's holding point towards the planet known as Yavin. The beam barley had touched the lovely green world that had housed the Rebellion for the last few months. Then it exploded like a powder keg. Wedge's comm channel filled with static for the final time.

Against All Odds
"Seven of Nine, look into my eyes." She turned away, deliberately avoiding looking at him. He grabbed her arm and turned her around. "Look into my eyes," he insisted.
"Why?!" she shouted.
"Because!" he shouted back, then he hesitated and when he spoke again his voice had an emotional edge to it. "Because they're yours."
She had been so caught off guard by the remark that she found herself looking into his eyes. And she saw a piece of herself staring back. "What you're saying," she said distantly, unable to believe what her senses were telling her. "It's.... it's impossible."
"No," Sebastian replied, taking hold of her hands. "Just infinitely improbable."

Flesh & Metal
He rolled into a clearing and saw a man sitting on the bench. The man gave him a casual glance, and then realization set in. In a flash he was off, his briefcase and bag dropped to the ground in a heap. Skynet dismissed it and was prepared to move on, but then he saw something of interest: a newspaper. A provider of information, it was the best place to start determining his next plan.
He picked it up in Jones' hands, turning it over to read "Los Angeles Times" in that interesting font they used. Then he looked below it.
"August 29, 1997" And then he realized.
And as if in answer, he heard the thunder.
Shyamalan: And the award goes to... Conquest.
[Mike Wong jogs up the stairs]
Wong: Thanks to everybody who supported Conquest, and for their patience when the updates were few and far between. A special thanks to Phong for his encouragement to write this and throughout the project. Thank you again.
Billy Crystal: Just to update you all on the proceedings, there's been much discouragement over the, uh, incident earlier this evening. For this reason Jar Jar Binks and Eurkel will not be presenting any awards. [crowd cheers] And now presenting the Princess Leia "I'd Just as Soon Kiss a Wookiee!" Award for Best Romance are Barry White and Maj. "Hot Lips" Hoolihan.
Hot Lips: High speed, action, suspense, explosions, all of these elements bring tension to a story, and draw the reader in.
Barry White: But there is other tension that can be created, the tension when a man and a woman feel the rumblings of passion. When there is a lovin' like no other, that can be a whole new world for the characters, and for the reader. The warmth, the longing, the aching...
Hot Lips: Oh God, Barry, take me now! [begins kissing Barry passionately, wrapping one leg around him. The kiss ends.]
Barry White: And the nominees are:
Against All Odds
"You know what this is? This is hope. This is what I've had for the past year to remind me of that promise, to remind me of that man. You know what I've learned during that time? Hope can be the worst thing in the universe. Yeah, that sounds crazy doesn't it," she said, more to herself than to him, then she sighed heavily. "Shock, denial, anger, acceptance. With hope, there is no acceptance, and so the grieving never ends. Sometimes.... sometimes I wish he had died. To know that it's over would at least give me some closure; maybe I would stop crying when I'm alone in bed at night, wondering where he is. But he's not dead, not in the sense that I can accept. He's been changed into you." And surprisingly, she glared at Skywalker with hatred in her eyes. "And I want him back you son of a bitch."

Conquest
Jaina smiled. "Now, Jean-Luc. Now you begin to see, don't you? Anger andaggression make you strong." She leaned across the table and gripped his hand tightly."Lust makes you strong" she whispered, arching her back seductively.
Picard's reeled. All of the forbidden impulses and thoughts of the past few daysreturned now, intensified a hundredfold. His vision seemed to narrow so that she was allhe could see- the rest of the room seemed to dissolve away into a fog in his mind. Hebegan to feel feverish, as if his blood was boiling, and it was almost as if his consciousself were being submerged beneath his base instincts. Like an animal, he uncoiled fromhis seat, leapt upon her, threw her to the ground, and forced himself upon her.

Domination
'"Are you saying that you're in love with Jones?!?!?!" exclaimed Dalton incredulously. "For years you picked on him, gave him the worst jobs on the ship, hell you even left him to be captured by the Imperials on purpose! And now you're telling me you love him! Boy would hate to have you love me, it's not worth the pain...."
"I didn't realise it until yesterday," explained Boyd, "I felt an emptiness within me the moment Jones was gone, and I just have to go and get him back."

Hot Lips: And the award goes to... Against All Odds.
[Chucks runs up the stage]
Chuck: I'd-[gets knocked over]
Wilkens: Ha-ha! [standing in front of podium] Before we listen to more of this nonsense, I'd like to put tonight into perspective. It's a little tribute to world peace which I like to call: F*ck the f*cking f*ckers. [Gets knocked down by security and carried off; band plays]
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Wayne Poe!
Wayne: Michael Wong is most commonly known for his calculations and observations about the Trek vs. Wars debate, but it's not just facts and figures that he's famous for. His only story, Conquest, was one of the earliest ASVS fanfics created, and to this day is still considered one of the best. Conquest is quality over quantity, substance over simplicity. Many of today's writers were inspired by his piece and its serialized style. Michael Wong, nominated for Lifetime Achievement Award. [exits stage left]
Billy Crystal: Presenting the Grand Admiral Thrawn "When You Understand a Species' Art, You Understand that Species" Award for Most Creative Tactic, Bobby Fisher and Captain Kirk.
Kirk: [speaking like a car that can't shift right] When-one writes...a story about combat, one-MUST, often resort to creative means of resolving conflicts.
Bobby Fisher: This is especially true when one side is at a severe disadvantage. It's also difficult to create a satisfying yet clever solution to a tactical situation. The nominees for Most Creative Tactic are:
Against All Odds, by Chuck Sonnenburg, where Ben Sisko helps defeat the Federation in the hopes of winning its victory.
Shadows of the Night, by Chuck Sonnenburg, where Luke embraces the power of the Dark Side to literally smash a Borg fleet.
Fist of the Empire, by Marina O'Leary, where Captain Kirk's strategic grasp turns the tide against the Imperials.
Empire Scouts Out The Federation, by Michael January, where a clever use of technology deals with a Borg threat and allows a fleet to continue its attack.
Past Imperfect, by Aron Kerkhof, where Darth Vader begins to bring a young Force potential into his fold to prepare to seize Imperial control.
Kirk: And the award goes to...[uniform splits down the seat as he tries to bend over; he pulls the award out] Fist of the Empire!
[Marina returns to the stage and takes the award]
Marina: Thank you. It's an honor to receive this from you, captain.
Kirk: You know, I love you, and not in a friendly way-
Marina: I said I saw Chasing Amy.
Kirk: Oh yes, you did.
Marina: Thank you again everyone! [exits stage left]
Announcer: Presenting the R2-D2 "You Know Better Than to Talk to a Strange Computer!" Award for Best Use of Technobabble, Carl Sagan and Dr. Who!
Sagan: Often in science fiction the characters will spout science gibberish in the hopes of sounding scientific.
Dr. Who: They do?
Sagan: Yes.
Dr. Who: How odd.
Sagan: This can often lend itself to self-parody.
Dr. Who: Or just parody of the genre itself. The nominees for Best Technobabble are:
Galaxy of War
"Sir," Data suggested, "It may be that we can reconfigure the deflector dish to project a graviton field similar to that used by the Imperials. It might not be as dense or as powerful, but it may serve."'

Against All Odds
"But whatever's down there, we can't penetrate, not without finding and destroying the device. From what few readings I can get from the shield itself, it's a type-3AA generator with triaxilating photonic paths."
"I take it that isn't good," Riker remarked.
"It means that not even active scans can penetrate," Seven remarked.

Worlds Without End
'"Not necessarily, sir," Data replied. "I have been analyzing their computer systems, and I believe I can make some modifications to my positronic output port to gain temporary control of the Death Star's main computer, and deactivate the shields. I have noticed that their androids possess an access device that seems to be readily equipped for such routine interfaces."

FOTBWPOHBWE
"Captain's Log, reported the computer aboard the Enterprise-E, "has been flushed." "Oh, thank heavens" said Picard, sitting aboard the Tachyon Operated Icky Log Expulsion Tube, or hydraulic waste-dispenser for short, "I was beginning to get worried it would never happen."

Dexter's Empire
"Sir! The enemy has opened fire on us with maximum fire spam-cannons!Killfilters down to 2% effectiveness!" As soon as he finished saying that,the shield control console exploded, blasting his head off. Sheppard sighed."Well, at least we have 37,000 ensigns left over. Ensign Mike Griffiths, I want you to take over. Randomize the killfilter frequencies." The ensign hesitated, and replied to Sheppard. "Sir, by my calculations I should not beable to randomize the frequencies at all." "Well, to hell with your calcs!Randomize the killfilters!"
Sagan: And the award goes to Dexter's Empire.
Crayz9000: Thank you. It's great to be here tonight to accept this award that looks so importantly at well-crafted writing. I hope to bring you more skill in the future with Intergalactic Alliance. Good night!
Announcer: Presenting the George Lucas "Better than 'Attack of the Clones'" Award for Best Title, Salvadore Dali!
Salvadore Dali: There is a fine line between genius and insanity; I have erased that line. [audience murmurs, confused and delighted] The nominees for best title are:
Shadows of the Night, by Charles Sonnenburg
Fist of the Blazing Wormhole Phoenix of Honour-bound Death without end by Doomriser
Phoenix Company, by Ryan Crerie
Nobody Gets Out Alive, by Charles Sonnenburg
Against All Odds, by Charles Sonnenburg
Salvadore Dali: There is nothing but for the name to make us grand. And the award goes to Fist of the Blazing Wormhole Phoenix of Honour-bound Death without end.
[Doomriser swings to the stage on a rope]
Doomriser: You like me, you really like me! I'd like to thank everyone who wrote a fanfic that I assimilated into my title. I couldn't have done it without you. I'd also like to thank Buffy for having such a nice butt. Good night!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Lt. Hit-Man!
Lt. Hit-Man: Ryan Crerie, aka Mark Sheppard, has been part of the ASVS fanfic scene for years. He originated the denizen characters concept with his beloved Imperial Phoenix, and went on to other successes such as Phoenix Company and The Outpost. His stories are remembered for their intense action and their pioneering spirit. Much of his work was the inspiration for other stories, such as Hit-Man's Journal, Battleground Alpha, and Revenge and Loyalty. Ryan Crerie, nominated for Lifetime Achievement Award. [exits stage right]
Billy Crystal: Things are getting a little crazy back stage. Silent Bob and Salvadore Dali are throwing one hell of a party, let me tell ya. Here to present the Jean-Luc Picard "THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!" Award for Best Torture are the Marquis de Sade and Torquemada.
Enigma: [stands up and screams] "You are a god!!!"
de Sade: [smiling] Flog him.
Enigma: Thank you! [gets dragged off by guards]
Torquemada: Fiction is not all about fun and games. Often there is a search for truth, and when it is not forthcoming, it must be extracted. Thus enters torture.
de Sade: Yes, but not just for information. Pain can be pleasure, if properly given.
Torquemada: The nominees for Best Torture are:
Hit-man's Christmas Special
First LT.Hit-Man grabbed Santa's left wrist in his human hand and crushed the nerve endings, rendering Santa's left hand useless in a howl of pain, then he made two blindly fast slashes with his bloody blade across Santa's ponderous gut, bloodying the blade all the more. For his last strike he punched out with his cybernetic hand nailing Santa in the side of his head where he had slashed him. There was a loud crunch as Santa's eye socket caved in on itself, his eye was by the optic nerve.

Imperial Phoenix
'Daala made adjustments to her blaster, setting it to it's lowest setting. She turned and purposely walked towards the quivering ensign. She aimed the blaster at his feet and pulled the trigger. The stench of burning flesh filled the bridge.
She stopped after the flesh around the man's toes had been burned away, revealing the white bone. The man was screaming horribly, since he was in incredible pain. She motioned to the troopers. They clamped their fists over the man's mouth, shutting him up.'

Hit-man's Journal: Imperial Phoenix
Hell, I must say Dalaa's a ruthless one.
I mean, burning some guy's feet off to show the captain of _Voyager_,Captain Lameway (a suitable name if I ever heard one) what would happen if the shields were not lowered was a nice touch, but the real kicker was the Borg female I was covering. She said "I'll do whatever you say, just please don't hurt my fluffmuffin! " after Dalaa had threatened to give Lameway a manicure fromthe Sith
Damn, too bad the Borg liked women instead of men.

Hit-man's Journal: Honor Bound
LT.Hit-Man started to laugh at the bloody sight before him. "Talk about a hand job from the Sith!" he cackled gleefully as he watched Ezri drop Fortio to the floor, who was holding himself as he curled up into a fetal position, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. A thin reedy sound was all that could be heard from him.
Ezri then delivered the coup de grace by wiping her bloody hand cross Fortio's ashen face in a gentle, almost loving manner, leaving a streak of blood, pulped testicles and other bits of gore.'

Nobody Gets Out Alive
The device she had been strapped to activated the pain receptors throughout her body, sending wave after wave of torturous agony through her body. Like the others she too was rendered immobile during her torture, but in this case she was affixed to an upright x-shaped cross, and her head was fixed in place. Before her were monitors showing various activities around the ship. B'Elanna had been right, someone was watching their torment, but that woman received no pleasure in it. Her crew, her family, tormented night and day before her eyes, her ears filled with screams and pleas that never never never stopped. Her eyelids had been stapled opened so she couldn't look away, a device oozing fluid over them every now and then to keep them moist, lest they suffer serious damage and prevent her from watching the Imperial's handiwork.

de Sade: Succulent. And the award goes to... Nobody Gets Out Alive.
[Chuck walks far more cautiously up the stage]
Chuck: Thanks. I'd like to thank Branon Braga for creating Unimatrix Zero. If it wasn't for that worthless drivel I abominate so then this story never would have happened. I'd also like to thank the crew of Voyager who were good sports during their systematic tortures, they were real troopers. [exits stage left]
Announcer: Presenting the Borg Collective "Resistance is Futile" Award for Best use of Star Trek, Stephen Hawkings and Dilbert!
Hawkings: The spirit of Star Trek has always been the peaceful expansion of human understanding, often in the face of violent obstacles without and within.
Dilbert: In crossover stories, this becomes even more apparent.
Hawkings: Maintaining the spirit of Star Trek and being true to its characters and ideas is a daunting task, one which tonight's nominees have risen to accept.
Dilbert: The nominees for Best Use of Star Trek are:
Conquest, by Michael Wong
Battleground Alpha, by Jonathan Boyd
Worlds Without End, by Chuck Sonnenburg
Strange Destinies, by James Hansen
ISD Eliminator, by Michael January
Dilbert: And the award goes to...[Dilbert bends over to pull award out of bag. Hawkings gooses him with special chair attachment]... Conquest!
[Mike Wong accepts the award]
Mike Wong: Thank you. I'd like to thank Gene Roddenbury for creating Star Trek. It is without a doubt my favorite science fiction piece, and I'm proud to accept this award.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Phong Nguyen!
Phong: Robert Dalton's contributions to ASVS fiction are numerous. First and most obvious are his popular stories Blaze of Glory, Honor Bound, and Courage Unbroken, which show is talent in serious tales, and the many humorous pieces such as The Cleaners vs. AOL. But more than that, he has encouraged the creation of quality stories by organizing and maintaining the Fanfiction Archive, which allows authors to share their works with a much larger audience than otherwise would be possible. His efforts to make these long-discussed awards a reality show the depth of his dedication as writer, editor, and booster of ASVS fiction. Rob Dalton, nominated for Lifetime achievement Award. [exits stage left]
Billy Crystal: The next category is the Jabba the Hutt "My Favorite Decoration" Award for Best use of Star Wars. Now, originally we had planned for members of N*SYNC to present this award, but due to negative feedback from the public they have been replaced. So allow me to present...[Band comes out] Hey, guys, I thought we had an understanding?
Fatone: Understand this! [One member grabs Billy Crystal from behind and Fatone starts punching him in the stomach. The diminutive comic tenses, then looks confused as they fail to inflict any pain on him with their wimpy punches.]
Fatone: You guys made a big mistake.
Billy Crystal: I think you're the one who's making the mistake. Hey, you're wrinkling my cummerbund!
Fatone: Oh yeah! And what are you go-[cut off by the sound of a lightsaber igniting. A gasp is heard from the audience as a black cloaked figure with a red lightsaber strides on from stage left. He pulls back his hood to reveal the disapproving visage of Darth Maul.]
Billy Crystal: Sorry for the delay, your lordship.
Fatone: Uh, [group releases Billy Crystal] sorry. We didn't mean anything. Bygones? [Darth Maul's other blade ignites]
Billy Crystal: [whispering] That's a "no."
[One member of the band runs down the stairs, but Maul reaches towards him. The dweeb flies backwards through the air, and Maul cuts him in half as he passes. The boy band panics as Maul rushes between them, blades flashing. Within seconds the boy band is hacked to pieces. The audience gives a standing ovation. Billy Crystal, applauding strongly, steps aside as Maul extinguishes his blades and takes the podium.]
Maul: At last we have had revenge. [crowd roars into applause again] The nominees for Best Use of Star Wars are:
Conquest, by Michael Wong,
Against All Odds, by Chuck Sonnenburg
Imperial Phoenix, by Ryan Crerie
Shadows of the Night, by Chuck Sonnenburg
Intergalactic Alliance, by Crayz9000.
Billy Crystal: Usually we do a little exerpt from each...[Maul glares at him]...doin' great. [Gives Maul two thumbs up.
Maul: And the award goes to Conquest.
Mike Wong: Thank you. I'd like to thank George Lucas for creating Star Wars. It is without a doubt my favorite science fiction piece, and I'm proud to accept this award.
Announcer: Presenting the Tasha Yar "That's it!" Award for Funniest Death, Wes Hutchings and Scott Anderson!
Scott Anderson: As Sir Walter Scott once wrote, "Death, the undiscovered country..."
Wes Hutchings: That's not Sir Walter Scott, that's Shakespeare.
Scott Anderson: That's what I said.
Wes Hutchings: Bullshit.
Scott Anderson: Stop trying to misrepresent me.
Wes Hutchings: Lack of memory noted.
Scott Anderson: When will you stop lying?
Wes Hutchings: Scott shows no progress.
Scott Anderson: Rabid Warsie bastard.
Wes Hutchings: He generalizes.
Scott Anderson: Go f*ck yourself!
Wes Hutchings: Displays latent homosexuality.
Scott Anderson: Hey, who are you to call my homosexuality latent!
[Large weight with "20 Tons" printed on the side falls and smashes Wes, Scott, and the podium. Audience cheers]
Billy Crystal: Whoo boy. This explains why they're selling life insurance back stage. The nominees for Funniest Death are:
Domination
'"Oh shit." said Gingerbeard, as he watched the phasers shoot past him into the reactor, speeding the chain reaction he had started. He spun his fighter and made for the exit, but it was too late, the cube exploded around him, his shields unable to hold against the massive energies released. "Bah." he said, and died.'

Nobody Gets Out Alive
There was nothing I could do to stop the infections from setting in. Twenty-fourth century medicine, powerless in the face of a disease that had been tamed centuries ago."
"Doctor," Janeway said, feeling for the first time in weeks slightly alert at his words. "What happened to my crew?"
He looked at her and hesitated, unable to bring himself to say it. "They all died. Of gangrene."

Against All Odds
"Nevertheless," said Wesley Crusher, "I'm taking Captain Picard, and his friends." He looked over to Jabba's side, where his mother wore a golden slave girl outfit; it was disgusting, yet somehow arousing. "You can either profit by this, or be destroyed. It's your choice but I warn you not to underestimate my power."
"Ensign," said Data calmly from near Jabba, "I am afraid that you are standing on-"
"Bah!" Jabba smacked the android and shouted at Wesley in Huttese, then hit the trapdoor controls. There was the sound of Wesley screaming, and then a shrill squeal and the crunching of bones.

Battleground Alpha
'Jones could see a maniacal expression on his face, a blood lust that exceeded even the wildest Klingon warriors. Under his right hand, Jones felt something soft and furry. Picking it up, he hurled it at Sir Graeme. Opening his mouth, Sir Graeme bit down hard, biting right through the unfortunate tribble. Realising that Jones would most likely be next, Q returned the deceased Tones back to his original form. Suddenly finding an entire human legin his mouth, Sir Graeme fell over and struggled to remove it. In the seconds it took for him to recover, Jones had got up and was now running for the forest. Sir Graeme calmly replaced his lightsabre and unsheathed his massive vinegar coated broadsword. Jones deserved special treatment.'

Billy Crystal: And the award goes to Domination!
[Baron turns and kisses his sheep date, then runs up the stairs]
Baron: Thank you Mr. Williams. I'd just like to say that you're all beneath me and unworthy of the fanfic crumbs that I drop to you. Eat my shite, and good night! [crowd applauds]
Announcer: Presenting the Commander Worf "Feeling Aggressive Tendencies" Award for Goriest Fanfic, H. P. Lovecraft and George Romero.
Lovecraft: Deep characters, riveting plot, snappy dialogue, and clever endings are all well and good, but without the blood what is it?
Romero: Something less than horrifying.
Lovecraft: Exactly. Guts, bile, the things on which the stomach turns. This is where the nightmares grow.
Romero: And thus, the nominees for Goriest Fanfic. They are:
Domination
'The blade snapped back through Taylors head, the boiling blood causing the back of his skull to explode as the lightsaber blade emerged, Taylors brain stuck to its tip, burning away to nothing in seconds.'

Nobody Gets Out Alive
B'Elanna pulled her head up and saw the first IZ-4 droid hovering before her. Its latest arm ended in a small tool, which she noticed had very small bent pieces of metal on it, almost like a cheese grater. It suddenly began vibrating to the point of blurring and it passed through the air towards her. She watched it with horror. "No, no no no no..." she said with increasing anxiety and horror as it extended the device towards her left breast.
There was a tiny trail of blood and flesh that followed the air currents through the room as a high-pitched shrieking scream threatened to batter the walls down.

Fear
Chris started to blubber, as he tried deperately to beg for his life. But LT.Hit-Man simply melted his lips shut with his lightsaber.
Lovecraft: Indeed, sometimes a single thought expresses so much horror.

Suicide Squad
The soldier had his back turned. This was the golden moment ofopportunity. In a single deft movement, Sanchez whipped the concealed bladeout and through the other guard's throat. The milky white blade threwcrimson through the enclosed space of the hall. The guard collapsed,surprise in his eyes. The other straightened up, hand dropping to hisblaster. Too late. Sanchez reached around his neck and laid the tracheaopen. Unable to scream, the man fell silently.

A Latenight Christmas Run
LT.Hit-Man walked back into the room with a huge blender and a few other items. "All right then, let's see here," he said as he added the ingredients into the blender. " You know, we seem to be missing eggs of all things, can you believe that?" LT.Hit-Man said with mock outrage. "Looks like I'll have to find a substitute." He looked at each of them, then with out any warning he grabbed Gillian1234 and stuffed him/her into the blender before Gillian could ooze out of his grasp, put the top on and held it there. "Let's see...I think we'll start with grate," LT.Hit-Man said with a crocodile's grin, and slowly reached out to push the button. As he did he could hear a muffled, blabbing scream. He looked into the blender and saw two terror-filled eyes looking out at him from the murky mess in the blender.

Romero: And the award goes to... Nobody Gets Out Alive.
Chuck: I'd like [bit of podium blows off]
Hit-Man: Damn! Pulling to the right!
Chuck: I'd-like-to-thank-you-for-this-award-good-night! [runs off stage left]
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Jonathan Boyd!
Jonathan: Michael January was one of the pioneers of ASVS fanfiction. His early works, such as Galaxy of War, were inspirational to many aspiring authors. As he went on his stories became notable for their stunning originality. Nothing better illustrates this than his latest piece, ISD Eliminator, which tells the tale of a stranded star destroyer that's turn mercenary as a way to survive in our galaxy. The Empire Scouts Out The Federation, The Hunt, and Independence also illustrate his devotion to producing quality stories. Michael January, nominated for Lifetime Achievement Award.[exits stage left]
Billy Crystal: I just thought you'd all like to know that I've fired my agent for bringing me here. And now, presenting the Mon Mothma "Many Bothans Died to Bring Us This Information" Award for Highest Body Count, Joseph Stalin and Mao Tse-Tung.
Mao: If one is to bring about change, one must shed blood.
Stalin: Truer words were never spoken. And in the same way, tales about war must be rife with the shedding of blood.
Mao: The nominees for Highest Body Count are:
Against All Odds, by Chuck Sonnenburg
Conquest, by Michael Wong
Fist of the Empire, by Marina O'Leary
Star Destroyers Rampant, by Kazuaki Shimazaki
Imperial Phoenix, by Ryan Crerie
Stalin: And the award goes to...[shots ring out; the camera pans to see Marina in the balcony with a high-powered rifle]
Marina: See you in hell, pinkos! [the two communist leaders fall over dead]
Billy Crystal: [walking out with hands up] Just so you know, I voted against communism in every election. [lowers hands as Marina lowers rifle] Well, I see the body count has risen, and if the tabulation hadn't already taken place I'm sure this would have clinched it for you-
Kazuaki Shimazaki: Hey, what about me! I could've shot at somebody.
Billy Crystal: I think we've had enough people shot up here for one day. And the award goes to...[tries to yank it out of Mao's hand] Er, come on! The grip of communism, ladies and gentlemen! [wrenches it free] Award goes to Against All Odds.
[Chuck walks back from stage left with hands up, then accepts the award]
Chuck: Marina, I love you, and not in a friendly way- [ricochet] Right, you saw Chasing Amy. Sorry. [runs off stage left]
Announcer: Presenting the C-3PO "Let the Wookiee Win" Award for Most Fair and Unbiased Fanfic, Judge Harold T. Stone.
Stone: Perhaps, considering the name of the category, we should skip this and just give it to the wookiee. [makes gawking face as audience boos, he becomes serious as several guns are cocked] Wow, tough crowd. Anyway, we're here now to acknowledge those stories that demonstrated a balanced approach, to allow both sides to show their strengths and weaknesses, and the author's objectivity. The nominees for most unbiased are:
Against All Odds, by Chuck Sonnenburg
Shadows of the Night, by Chuck Sonnenburg
Fist of the Empire, by Marina O'Leary
Imperial Phoenix, by Ryan Crerie
Twilight in Two Galaxies, by Crayz9000
Stone: And the award goes to... Against All Odds.
[white flag waves from stage left]
Stone: I believe the archive will accept this award on Mr. Sonnenburg's behalf.
Announcer: Presenting the Han Solo "I Know That Laugh" Award for Most Humorous Fanfic, Bobcat Goldwaith and Stephen Wright!
Bobcat: [makes a sound like a seizure] Comedy is not as easy as it looks right Stephen.
Wright: Yes. [silence]
Bobcat: Um, okay. Writing a successful comedy is a challenge to many authors, and crossovers are no exception.
Wright: The nominees for Most Humorous Fanfic are:
El Boydo
The Arr Chronicle
Dexter's Empire
Fist of the Blazing Wormhole Phoenix of Honour-bound Death without end
An ASVS Christmas Carol
Bobcat: And the award goes to El Boydo!
[Kynes jogs up to the stage]
Kynes: Ladies and gentlemen of the voting public. Thanks. Every time I rely on you, you generally come through. In fact, my general luck with voting has been pretty good. [crowd laughs] So thanks for voting for me.
Except, I guess you didn't really vote for me. You voted for El Boydo. So let me say a few words there. It was a major pleasure to write. Unconstrained by plot, traditional rules of narrative, common sense, or a desire not to offend people, I was apparently able to hammer out something pretty good. Of course I'm still writing it and although it's hard on occasion, generally it's like eating ice cream.
The chapters do tend on the short side. I would wager that I wrote the least of anyone who was nominated for a GSDA. This is because of a few key elements. First, I firmly believe that a joke is only funny twice. Also, it's hard to think of new jokes.
That said, thanks for the award. Maybe I'll post the first few chapters of my "serious" story now.
[standing ovation]
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Aron Kerkhof!
Aron: Chuck Sonnenburg started small, but soon built up one of the biggest followings seen to date. His epic fanfic, Worlds Without End, spurred a series of stories noted by many for its quality and are considered among the greatest crossover stories ever written. Shadows of the Night, the sequel to Worlds Without End, won the award for Best Overall Story last year, along with five other awards. Chuck has been noted for the depth of his stories, from political intrigue to epic battles, straight through to the nature of humanity. Aside from that, he's written some of the funniest stories ever read, from A Journey To ASVS-land to An ASVS Christmas Carol. His hard work on the Golden Stardestroyer Fanfic Awards guaranteed its success last year and will do so this year as well. Chuck Sonnenburg, nominated for Lifetime Achievement Award.
Billy Crystal: We're in the home stretch now, and there's a good chance most of us will live to see tomorrow. Presenting the 7 of 9 "You Think in Such Small Terms" Award for Most Original Character, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Stan Lee!
Doyle: While using a pre-existing character from the two universes requires a devotion to proper use of said character, a far more daunting task is creating originals.
Lee: That's right, true believer! But creating a character is easy; creating a character that is both original and deep is a much harder challenge. The most common mistakes I see among young creators today is rehashing old characters by dressing them up in a new appearance. Originality goes a lot further, and is a lot more satisfying.
Doyle: The nominees for Most Original Character are:
Against All Odds, by Chuck Sonnenburg, stars Sebastian Skywalker, a half-Borg Jedi displaced in his own past.
Conquest, by Michael Wong, stars Ruk, a Force-using Mon Calamari who leads the remnant of the rebellion against the new Empire.
Shadows of the Night, by Chuck Sonnenburg, stars Kalib, a brutish observer who fought the first war against the Borg.
Imperial Phoenix, by Ryan Crerie, stars LT.Hit-Man, a bloodthirsty, cybernetic Sith stormtrooper with a dark and mysterious past who leads his troops in the assault on the Milky Way Galaxy
Intergalactic Alliance, by Crayz9000, stars Mkrel'man'trelakana, aka Mantrel, as a Chiss commodore in the Imperial navy who is both a skilled pilot and skilled commander.
Stan Lee: And the award goes to Against All Odds.
[stage shakes; the lumbering form of Kalib strides out across the stage]
Kalib: Okay, first, I was asked to accept this award on Chuck's behalf, so if anyone wants to try anything [there's a ricochet as a bullet hits him in the head] anything at all, just go ahead and try. [pauses] No takers? All right then [cracks knuckles and takes out a tiny piece of paper]. First he'd like to thank everyone who voted, especially those who voted for him, ha ha. [rolls his eyes] I've gotta get into a new line of work. Anyway, thanks you all, blah blah blah, looking forward to more, blah blah blah, and just kind of rambles pointlessly. So anyway, why the hell didn't I get any votes? You still pissed I didn't fight the Borg? Well screw you in a tiny place, I hate you too. [sporadic clapping as he exits stage left]
Announcer: Presenting the Reginald Barclay "Strict Dress Code" Award for Most Original Story, Rick Berman and Brannon Braga!
[enter from stage left to boos and hisses]
Braga: Please, hold your applause! We're here to celebrate creativity.
Berman: That's right, Brannon. Authors whose creativity nearly rival our own.
[guns go off]
Braga: And our deus ex machina field continues to hold up nicely.
Berman: Allow me to present the award for most original story. The nominees are:
Against All Odds, by Charles Sonnenburg, a story about re-uniting lost lovers in the midst of the final galactic war.
ISD Eliminator, by Michael January, the tale of a star destroyer crew who, having become trapped in our galaxy, must resort to a mercenary lifestyle to survive
Imperial Phoenix, by Ryan Crerie, tells the story of the rebuilding of the Empire by the invasion of the Milky Way
Operation Rescue, by Andrew Thorpe, this story shows a galaxy with existing Imperial-Federation relations, and shows a complex array of conflicts within the divided space.
Past Imperfect, by Aron Kerkhof, looks at a galaxy where the rebellion is crushed by the Death Star and a thriving Empire is left unchallenged in its heartless expansion
Braga: And the award goes to Past Imperfect!
[Aron jumps up, pumps his fist in the air and runs up to the podium, taking the award.]
Aron: Thanks everyone, I'm glad you're enjoying PI, and I promise you there's plenty more fun to come. Also, I'd like to say [hits Berman in the gut with the award] and to sum up [slams the award into Braga's face]. Thanks, and goodnight. [standing ovation as he exits stage left]
Announcer: Presenting the Boba Fett "No Disintegrations" Award for Most Spectacular Death, Osama bin Laden!
bin Laden: When it comes [a shot rings out; bin Laden falls over dead. The crowd cheers as he'd dragged off the stage.]
Billy Crystal: That was almost too easy. Presenting the award, Carrot Top!
Carrot Top: Ha-ha, what an idiot! Should've known better. [a shot rings out, Carrot Top falls over dead. Crowd cheers again.]
Billy Crystal: Richard Gere to present the award. [applauds and waits.] Aw nuts. Okay, here to really present the award...aw come on. Fine. Just because this is the first awards show with a triage center backstage people are nervous. The nominees for most spectacular death are:
Domination
Against All Odds
Conquest
Past Imperfect
Lt. Hit-man's Christmas Special

Billy Crystal: And the award goes to Lt. Hit-Man!
Lt. Hit-man: Thank you! Since you already had a chance to enjoy my presentation, I thought I'd put on another show. [drags out a Ferengi on a chain, then pulls out a flamethrower] How do you like your ribs?! [sets the Ferengi on fire] I like 'em dark myself! [music plays and Hit-Man exits stage left]
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting the Emperor Palpatine's Highest Honor for Overall Best Fanfic, Rob Dalton!
Dalton: Another year comes and goes, and once again, the best ASVS has to offer rises to the challenges of that new year. The following fanfics, cherished by one and all, have been nominated for this category and, I'm speaking from the heart here, it's an honor just to be amongst them. The nominees for Best Overall are:
Against All Odds, by Chuck Sonnenburg
Past Imperfect, by Aron Kerkhof
Conquest, by Michael Wong
Imperial Phoenix, by Ryan Crerie
Intergalactic Alliance, by Crayz9000.
Dalton: And the award goes to Against All Odds.
[Chuck climbs the stairs and shakes Rob's hand, then puts his arm around him]
Chuck: Thank you. First, I want to say that I'm glad you loved Against All Odds as much as I did, and I hope we have just as much fun throughout Paradise Lost. Second, I want to set the record straight on something. Rob here was in fact nominated for this category. Blaze of Glory, which is an excellent piece, deserved to be on the ballot; but we only have room for five nominees. Without a second thought he withdrew his story from consideration to help make this ceremony go smoothly. This kind of selfless behavior is not uncommon, and I'm proud to call him my friend. So let's give it up for the man! [standing ovation for Rob; Chuck and Rob shake hands, embrace, and exit stage left]
Billy Crystal: We have one last award to give out tonight, the Lifetime Achievement Award. Represented here are six men and women who have done their best to further quality crossover fiction in every fashion. While there is only one award being given tonight, I think we'd most definitely agree that they are all winners, and all deserve to be remembered for their contributions. [audience applauds] The following have been nominated: Marina O'Leary, Michael January, Ryan Crerie, Michael Wong, Robert Dalton, and Charles Sonnenburg. And the award goes to... Charles Sonnenburg.
[Chuck comes out and shakes Billy's hand]
Chuck: Thank you. And now for a serious moment. [Carnival-like hall is gone]
I know we joke all the time that there's no need to care what a bunch of Internet losers on some newsgroup think, but this is something different. Practically all of you have earned my respect over the past several years, and knowing that you've enjoyed my work enough to give me this award is, well, it is important to me. Not for ego sake, but because there is no thrill like having people enjoy the fruits of the work you love to do. I'm grateful for all the kind words you've shared with me over the years and your critiques of my work, even when they weren't easy to hear. I hope we can continue this through Paradise Lost, Blood of Heroes, and Dawn of Forever.
I'd like to say a few words to the following people.
Aron: You're the best. You keep following your dreams friend, and I'll keep following mine.
Phong: Despite all the jokes, you're the best at what you do. Don't change.
Dalton: Keep the faith brother.
Kynes and C.S.: You guys still make me laugh.
Ryan: No one's beyond redemption. Seek help.
Nicole: For better or for worse, sickness and in health; I still stand behind that promise.
God: Thank you for everything. Now please stop with the practical jokes.
Thanks again everyone, and goodnight.

GSDA Ceremony written by Chuck Sonnenburg and Rob Dalton
Individual speeches written by Lt. Hit-Man and Ian Samuel.
All works property of their respective owners.