Christ Has Spoken to Me
A couple weeks ago, I met a wonderful girl, and we’ve fallen in love with each other. We love spending time with one another, we never fight and I can’t wait to bring her home to meet Mom and Dad. I think this is the girl I’m going to marry.
She’s a believing, practicing Christian, and her livelihood and spirit have really shown me just how much Jesus affects my life in every little way. I firmly believe that I met this special girl through His Divine Will. She is the vessel through which Jesus touches my life. In the short time I’ve been with her, she’s taught me to completely ignore my sexual urges. I’ve deleted all the pornography from my computer, taken the lewd posters of naked women off of my wall and renounced my formerly sinful beliefs.
With Christ, there is always room for forgiveness. But I’ve been leading such a depraved and sinful life for the past few years that I have a lot of penance to do. Now I know why all those televangelists I used to make fun of do what they do. It’s not for money. They truly have the joyous Good News in their hearts, and they can’t help but scream at the top of their lungs to an audience to get it out. And of course, Jesus would want these soldiers of God to be compensated for their good works and live as richly as possible.
This girl has completely changed me. I thought that fornication and partying were what fun was all about. But now I know that prayer, sacrifice and denying myself basic human urges are all the fun I need. Sure, she and I have given in once or twice and French kissed, but we realized the sin we were committing as soon as our tongues touched. And we say a prayer afterward should that ever happen. It’s just one of the many ways we let Jesus into our relationship. It’s almost like a three-some, only with no physical contact of any kind, and no one can see the third person. And the fact that that third person is male doesn’t make me gay. She has made me realize just how terrible a life homosexuals lead. Study after study shows that homosexuals want to adopt children for the sole purpose of making them sex slaves and raising them to be soldiers in Satan’s army.
Her father is a pastor who we’ve been consulting on our relationship. He said that holding hands was okay, but there was to be no intertwining of the fingers, only palm-to-palm contact. But I confess, sometimes we do intertwine our fingers, and it’s because I pressure her into it. I have not fully cleansed myself of my former ways, apparently. But she is willing to accept me for the flawed, sinful person I am. All of God’s children sin, but that doesn’t mean that I should do such terrible things. I don’t deserve a girl as patient and accepting as her.
We do so many things together now. We rally outside of abortion clinics and throw eggs at the harlots going in and out, we’ve already signed two different chastity pledges, one swearing to God, and the other swearing to our glorious, God-fearing president. She’s encouraged me to use my debate skills to have a public debate with a sinful evolutionist and to write letters petitioning high schools to allow intelligent design and creationism in science classes. As I write, I can feel Jesus’ touch … His strong, carpenter hands touching mine, guiding them across the keys of the keyboard … His beard gently caressing the side of my face … His breath warming my ear …
Oh Jesus, I’m going to have to cut this short. I … um, need to be alone to, uh … say a prayer. But I’ll be back to let all of you people know just how sinful and depraved you really are.
Yours in Christ,
Damien Sorresso